Friday, December 31, 2004

So I got fired tonight..... more later....
My life is my life.... I am not going to let this get me down. I am going to enjoy life to the best of my ability and the situations that I endure I will leave in God's hands.
I dont understand why I have to be faced with so much.... things are really bad today.... I really need to make a drastic decission about my future... and it scares me pretty badly.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Im actually feeling pretty good again..... pretty good turn around considering how badly I felt the last few days..... Keith and I went out to dinner after work and that helped a ton.... it felt good to actually hang out with someone..... I pray that God would start filling my life with some good strong friendships.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

I think that I definately created some irreversible damage last night..... im not stable again. I guess I'm doing ok today so far but I know that I screwed up... and I cant change that. I really feel alone.... I was getting so close to God again... my relationship with Him was really growing... and then I get attacked and its like I cant pull out of it again. Yea, Im down again today... third day in a row.... last night was really bad.... I really was close to being suicidal again. I thought I was better.... maybe this is just a coincidence and things will be better in the next few days. I just could really use something happy in my life right now. The only interaction I ever have with people is when im working.... I cant live like that. I need people that I can hang out with... I just dont have that.... When I'm feeling down I have no one to call.... I cant just pick up the phone and call someone and say "hey, im really down" ... I just dont have that luxury.... yea, I have friends... Jim and Jason are good friends..... but they arent those people that I can just call..... sometimes its tough calling jason for something thats work related. He has a life.... im the only one who doesnt.... its just getting really rough.... I need friendships in my life.... really badly. I'd love to start hanging out with some girls... get to know them and stuff.... I need that.... but im too shy....

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Tiff left go of something tonight that I thought she treasured.

I am really down right now. Its not fair that everyone around me has a gf and I dont.... Im really crying.... why do I have to be so down and depressed again? I hope this doesnt last.... I thought we found what was wrong with me.... I really did think that.... come to think of it... I thought alot of things.... I guess im always wrong.
Just got off the phone with tiff..... didnt really talk much at all.... in some ways I feel like maybe I'm drifting away from her. Maybe its just because we dont get to talk much... I dont know. Im still kinda down. I wouldnt say im depressed... just down. I guess more than anything im just bored. I dont really have anyone to spend time with.... I'd love to have that special girl in my life.... maybe its not time. I really dont know. My relationship with God has grown.... and I'm really doing ok.... I just really would like to have that special girl. Im so darn shy tho.... in the past week I have carried on conversations with two different girls that I met and I wanted to see if either one of them wanted to get together and see what happened... but I didnt... I'm too shy for that. The thing is, if I dont start getting over this shyness, I'll probably never find that girl. I dunno..... Billy Ray Cyrus sang a song... one line in it was "Sometimes dreams move on if you wait too long" .... thats just really been on my mind recently... dont fully know why.... but dreams will move on.... if you dont act on them, they move. Maybe one of those girls could have been a really good friend... maybe more.... but I waited... and it'll move on now.... I just pray that God would find it possible to send me that special someone. I'll just have to keep praying.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Today has been a down day for me. Dont really know whats up... just dont feel right.... mom dad and I were going to the wagon wheel and tiff called so I was a bit excited but she was just calling to say she was ok and she was at work so she couldnt talk. I asked if I should stay up and wait for her to call me later... she said not to... so I guess another day goes by that I dont really get to talk to her... I really could have used it today. I'm debating maybe going to a movie tonight... there are alot of movies I'd like to see.... just dont know if I feel like going alone but I used to do it all the time so why not.... I guess I could always just go to bed too.... *shrug* Been thinking about my loneliness... maybe its time I change from being single to being single and looking.... I had the guts to talk to a completely strange girl once and it worked out well.... it could work again, couldnt it? I guess I'll have to put more thought into that.... I just would really like to have someone special in my life that really wants to be with me. I know God will take care of it.... in His time.... these are just thoughts on my mind. I miss the days when I had down days like this where I could just call up that special someone.... We'll see what happens.... my mind is just thinking alot... has been for the past few days.... which is why I guess I have been so quiet. No matter, God will take care of all of this..... it's all gonna be fine.....

Saturday, December 25, 2004

And as we close the day, I hope that everyone had a very merry CHRISTmas!
Happy Birthday Jesus!

So first the bad stuff.... my aunt acted like an ass tonight. Dont yell... Im done candy coating stuff. She called an ambulance to come get her... I had to sit and watch as she destroyed my grandparent's Christmas. I dont doubt she was in pain... but its the same thing over and over again. Im not going into detail.. it'll just get me worked up... but I have alot less sympathy for my aunt now. It's one thing if she wants to destory her life.... but when she starts affecting everyone else who is close to me... especially my grandparents.... thats where the line has to be drawn.

Good stuff now... lots of good this year! Last night (Christmas eve) was a blast. We had a bunch of people over and things were really great. After everyone left we exchanged our gifts to each other. We all got my dad a car starter and me and my sisters got my mom a digital camera. I got a ski jacket from Lori and a new battery for my phone from Kari.

This morning we opened gifts from santa... I got a bunch of CDs, a data kit for my cell phone, the matrix boxed set, a 1GB JumpDrive, some clothes and so on. My big present I already got a couple months ago which was my season ski pass to hidden valley.

Then we went to my grandmothers. The first part of the day my aunt was fine.... actually things were great. We had a really good time there.... after most of my family left was when things got bad.... yada yada yada.... after that I went down to my other aunt kathy's.... I helped hook up lydia's karaoke machine and we all had a blast singing along to the songs.... then we came down to my house along with my uncle tim and had a blast playing "shout about movies" which is a really neat DVD game. good stuff.... so the day is coming to an end...

On a side misc note, I talked to Tanya today for a little bit. I wanted to wish her a merry Christmas. It was nice to talk to her and it looks like I may take Eli up to the slopes some time to teach him to ski.... that should be interesting. I also got a text message back from Tiff.... I hope that she had a good Christmas. It was a little rough today at some points because I really would have liked to have been with her today... but that wasnt God's will for the day. I accept that and I made the best of my day. Sure things could have got me very down today.... but I didnt let them.... it really was a good Christmas.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

I know its been a while since I posted so I figure its about time. There really isnt too much to say, however. Things are still going really well. The only frustrating part is that Tiff's parents hate me... not that they have a reason to... they just dont like me... never really gave me a chance.... I really could care less but the problem is... ok, well, yea I do hate when people hate me.... but if they hate me thats their option... the thing that bugs me is it prevents me from talking to Tiff alot... and espescially seeing her.

Truth is, in all of this, I am doing so extremely well. There are still frustrations in my life... the ADHD medicine, of course, has not taken those frustrations away.... I am dealing with them VERY well tho. Things are so great right now.

Thats about all I have time for right now.. gotta get to work. Have a great day everyone!

God Bless!

Saturday, December 18, 2004

n; the state of being a married couple voluntarily joined for life

Its amazing what God has been showing me over the last week... how much I have matured and realized that God is there. I just finished watching "A Vow to Cheris" which I posted a link for a few days ago. In today's world marriage is so ... watered down. The dictionary description I posted continued on to say "or until divorce" ... it's a shame that our world has come to that. In my eyes... marriage is forever. It IS a voluntary commitment... but a final commitment. God reminded me tonight of what my ultimate goal in life has always been (besides serving Him). I want to be the best husband and best father that I can be. A sense of family has always been in my heart. When I find the right goal, whoever that may be, I will love her forever. It will never end. My life will be commited to being with her. Only death will cause our parting.

Suddenly the stress from yesterday doesnt much matter. I had car troubles but its not a big deal. God got me through it. God was right there with me... as He was there with me skiing today. I could have been frustrated that my ankle was hurting in my boot; that I may have to buy new boots.... but why? God was right there with me. Maybe I couldnt spend more than an hour skiing today... but because of it I got to come home and spend time with family. We dont understand why things happen. All we can do is trust God; even when we dont have answers.

God is going to use me in great ways... everyone has been telling me that but I have so blatantly ignored that. I am so thankful for the things God has done in my life. I am so thankful for the people He has surrounded me with. Not many people can say that they have a Christian boss, a Christian doctor, best friends that our Christians. Not all people can say they were raised in a Christian family. Many people cant say they own a Bible... many people dont have a friend like Tiff caring for them. Many people dont have God. I do. I can say I do to that... the same way I will say I do on my wedding day. The same way that my wife will have my commitment, God has my commitment now.

God Bless everyone -- and thank you so much for your prayers.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17
Well Tiff left school for break today.... I know she needs a break but its kinda sad because when she's at home I dont have very many oppritunities to talk to her... she's gonna try her best tho... and I know she will.
So far things are going extremely well with my ADHD treatment. I am functioning in life so much better than I used to. The drive down to VA yesterday was incredibly better... I noticed things more... I was more alert... I just noticed a huge difference. I can notice difference in functioning in my job as well. Things are just going incredibly well.

Things are going very well with Tiff too. We have an incredible relationship. I am able to be more of the person I need to be for her... and that makes me feel good. I want nothing more than for her to be happy... I will do anything needed for that. I made so many mistakes in our relationship before and it turns out everyone is a very common side effect of ADHD. I have been sitting back and wondering what if I was treated for ADHD earlier... where would I be in life? Doesnt matter... whats done is done and I am right where God wants me.

Life is good :)
I've meant to do this for some time
I've gotta get it right this time
This time my God I will be Yours,
All my heart, my soul, and mind
Been so long since I truly smiled
But You touched my heart today
Reached through my mind of mud and mire
Consumed the idols in Your way
So I am brand new Today, I make my resolution

Been down so long that is seems like up,
I took it now I've had enough
Of the life that I've been livin'
It feels so cold this far away
So Today I will make a change
I will make a change today
Purge my mind of mud and mire
Cast all my gods away
I am brand new today, I make my resolution

-- "Resolution" by The OC Supertones
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true...
All I want for Christmas
Is you...

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Well I havent really given an update on here so here's the short of it. Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADHD. This is actually something that clicks and many people around me can now see where this is probably a good diagnosis. They put me on Adderall XR to try it out and see if it works... so far it has helped already. I am also still on Zoloft because there is a good chance that I still may have depression as well. Things really are going well for me right now tho. I still am really thankful for those that are praying for me... and also for those praying for Tiff.... it means alot. I can definately feel and see evidence of those prayers.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers. Thanks!
This is long.... but I got it in an email and it hit me pretty hard... I wanted to share it with everyone. This is not related to me so if your only curious about me, you can skip this post.... if you want to read a good story tho, this is one to read.

The Folded Napkin ... A Truckers Story

I try not to be biased, but I had my doubts about hiring Stevie. His placement counselor assured me that he would be a good, reliable busboy. But I had never had a mentally handicapped employee and wasn't sure I wanted one. I wasn't sure how my customers would react to Stevie. He was short, a little dumpy with the smooth facial features and thick-tongued speech of Downs Syndrome. I wasn't worried about most of my trucker customers because truckers don't generally care who buses tables as long as the meatloaf platter is good and the pies are homemade. The four-wheeler drivers were the ones who concerned me; the mouthy college kids traveling to school; the yuppie snobs who secretly polish their silverware with their napkins for fear of catching some dreaded "truck stop germ" the pairs of white-shirted business men on expense accounts who think every truck stop waitress wants to be flirted with. I knew those people would be uncomfortable around Stevie so I closely watched him for the first few weeks.
I shouldn't have worried. After the first week, Stevie had my staff wrapped around his stubby little finger, and within a month my truck regulars had adopted him as their official truck stop mascot.
After that, I really didn't care what the rest of the customers thought of him. He was like a 21-year-old in blue jeans and Nikes, eager to laugh and eager to please, but fierce in his attention to his duties. Every salt and pepper shaker was exactly in its place, not a bread crumb or coffee spill was visible when Stevie got done with the table.
Our only problem was persuading him to wait to clean a table until after the customers were finished. He would hover in the background, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, scanning the dining room until a table was empty. Then he would scurry to the empty table and carefully bus dishes and glasses onto cart and meticulously wipe the table up with a practiced flourish of his rag. If he thought a customer was watching, his brow would pucker with added concentration. He took pride in doing his job exactly right, and you had to love how hard he tried to please each and every person he met.
Over time, we learned that he lived with his mother, a widow who was disabled after repeated surgeries for cancer. They lived on their Social Security benefits in public housing two miles from the truck stop. Their social worker, who stopped to check on him every so often, admitted they had fallen between the cracks. Money was tight, and what I paid him was probably the difference between them being able to live together and Stevie being sent to a group home. That's why the restaurant was a gloomy place that morning last August, the first morning in three years that Stevie missed work.
He was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester getting a new valve or something put in his heart. His social worker said that people with Downs Syndrome often have heart problems at an early age so this wasn't unexpected, and there was a good chance he would come through the surgery in good shape and be back at work in a few months.
A ripple of excitement ran through the staff later that morning when word came that he was out of surgery, in recovery, and doing fine. Frannie, the head waitress, let out a war hoop and did a little dance in the aisle when she heard the good news. Belle Ringer, one of our regular trucker customers, stared at the sight of this 50-year-old grandmother of four doing a victory shimmy beside his table. Frannie blushed, smoothed her apron and shot Belle Ringer a withering look.
He grinned. "OK, Frannie, what was that all about?" he asked.
"We just got word that Stevie is out of surgery and going to be okay."
"I was wondering where he was. I had a new joke to tell him. What was the surgery about?"
Frannie quickly told Belle Ringer and the other two drivers sitting at his booth about Stevie's surgery, then sighed: "Yeah, I'm glad he is going to be OK," she said. "But I don't know how he and his Mom are going to handle all the bills. From what I hear, they're barely getting by as it is." Belle Ringer nodded thoughtfully, and Frannie hurried off to wait on the rest of her tables.
Since I hadn't had time to round up a busboy to replace Stevie and really didn't want to replace him, the girls were busing their own tables that day until we decided what to do. After the morning rush, Frannie walked into my office. She had a couple of paper napkins in her hand and a funny look on her face.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I didn't get that table where Belle Ringer and his friends were sitting cleared off after they left, and Pony Pete and Tony Tipper were sitting there when I got back to clean it off," she said. "This was folded and tucked under a coffee cup." She handed the napkin to me, and three $20 bills fell onto my desk when I opened it. On the outside, in big, bold letters, was printed "Something For Stevie. Pony Pete asked me what that was all about," she said, "so I told him about Stevie and his Mom and everything, and Pete looked at Tony and Tony looked at Pete, and they ended up giving me this." She handed me another paper napkin that had "Something For Stevie" scrawled on its outside. Two $50 bills were tucked within its folds. Frannie looked at me with wet, shiny eyes, shook her head and said simply: "truckers."
That was three months ago. Today is Thanksgiving, the first day Stevie is supposed to be back to work. His placement worker said he's been counting the days until the doctor said he could work, and it didn't matter at all that it was a holiday. He called 10 times in the past week, making sure we knew he was coming, fearful that we had forgotten him or that his job was in jeopardy. I arranged to have his mother bring him to work. I then met them in the parking lot and invited them both to celebrate his day back. Stevie was thinner and paler, but couldn't stop grinning as he pushed through the doors and headed for the back room where his apron and busing cart were waiting.
"Hold up there, Stevie, not so fast," I said. I took him and his mother by their arms. "Work can wait for a minute. To celebrate you coming back, breakfast for you and your mother is on me!"
I led them toward a large corner booth at the rear of the room. I could feel and hear the rest of the staff following behind as we marched through the dining room. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw booth after booth of grinning truckers empty and join the procession. We stopped in front of the big table. Its surface was covered with coffee cups, saucers and dinner plates, all sitting slightly crooked on dozens of folded paper napkins.
"First thing you have to do, Stevie, is clean up this mess," I said. I tried to sound stern. Stevie looked at me, and then at his mother, then pulled out one of the napkins. It had "Something for Stevie" printed on the outside. As he picked it up, two $10 bills fell onto the table.
Stevie stared at the money, then at all the napkins peeking from beneath the tableware, each with his name printed or scrawled on it. I turned to his mother.
"There's more than $10,000 in cash and checks on table, all from truckers and trucking companies that heard about your problems. "Happy Thanksgiving,"
Well, it got real noisy about that time, with everybody hollering and shouting, and there were a few tears, as well. But you know what's funny? While everybody else was busy shaking hands and hugging each other, Stevie, with a big, big smile on his face, was busy clearing all the cups and dishes from the table. Best worker I ever hired.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14

Its so nice to have Christian friends.... I can certainly understand how marriage works so much better when both people are Christians... it just makes sense. It's very crucial to have those closest to us be the Christians that we need to be. Its such a good influence.....
... just something God spoke to me.
This weekend really was great. Tiffany is such a special person to me and she really made me feel special. It truly opened my eyes alot. I just cant express how great of a weekend this was.
Why do the best weekends always have to come to an end? I seriously had the best weekend ever... its hard to leave... but I must.

God is really doing something amazing... He really is... and I want to thank everyone that is praying for me... I know that many of you are... I can feel it.... and thanks to the ones that are praying for Tiff too... that means alot to me... and I can see the evidence of those prayers as well.

Thank you everyone.... thank you God!
Life just rules when you have a BEST friend :)

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Friday, December 10, 2004

Why am I always the sickest on VA days? I am really not feeling well this morning... headache, upset stomach.... this is bad but stuff needs done in VA so I have to go.... I dunno if this is just plain sickness or if its medicine related... I cant wait to see the psychiatrist and get this straigtened out.... either way... im just plain sick today... :(

Thursday, December 09, 2004

I cant sleep... soo much on my mind :(

Still trying tho....
I just wanted to say before I go to bed how much tiff means to me.... I wanted to stress that again.... I lost so much in having a friendship with her.... I realize again how much her FRIENDSHIP means to me.... I dont know what the future holds but I know that tiff will always be my FRIEND.... I need friends... badly... and she means alot to me right now. Ive been so caught up in what I want to happen that I've missed out on a whole lotta friendship.
Thank God for tiff! So much is going on around me... so much is falling apart.... yet she was the one that said "call me" ... and I did... and it made me feel so much better.... and she did it selfless... there is so much going on in her life too... she's probably more stressed than I am... but she took the time for me... she means so much to me....

There really is way too much going on around me.... I have friend thinking im not friends with them anymore... ive got my aunt and my family (Im not even going there -- it'll just work me up).... my poor grandmother tho.... when you hear your own grandmother say that it would be better if we were all just dead.... it just kinda... it hits you hard.... things are really bad.... we really need your prayers.

I could use a little extra sleep so I'm going to bed now.... goodnight everyone.
Sick again :( I really just want to crawl back in bed and go back to sleep.... I almost need to... but I have to get ready for work.... its important... especially right now. Im really struggling hardcore.... especially with not feeling too well physically.... I just have no motive behind me... at all.... :(

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Really not feeling good this morning.... both physically and emotionally but mainly physically right now...... I hope this day goes fast.....

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

I need meaning in my life.... it means nothing to me or to anyone for that matter... I'm so down and depressed.... I need a miracle..... :(
Can I have a miracle please? I could really use one :(

Monday, December 06, 2004

Well, first of all... im a wreck....

I had a therapist appt today... I took a prescreener for ADD and I rated EXTREMELY high.... so there is a good chance I may be diagnosed with that... truth is, I could care less what they diagnose me with as long as they can figure something out to make me feel better.

I really am starting to struggle all over the place... things are getting really bad.... nothing motivates me to do anything anymore.... I'm not happy.... I'm just flat out misserable. My therapist was in shock that I am able to function and at least go through the motions of a day. She was ready to write me an excuse for work.... I told her that I know I have to do it so I do.... I do it the best I can... I have issues that may set back what my best is... but at least I do my best. Maybe I have something going for me... I just dont feel like it.... things are bad.... I see my psychiatrist next Monday.... can you believe this is still only the first time? It's been well over 2 months since I've been out of the hospital and I am just now getting to see one...... I hope the Dr. can help me... I need help... things have been out of whack for way too long.... WAY too long.

I'm a mess.... and its not because of anyone at all... it's because of me... its because of who I am..... Maybe I'm just meant to be a mess?

Gosh.. I'm hurting so bad.... I have no reason to hurt.... but I am... I'm hurting :(
The heavens paint a silent symphony
As Orion shines for me
Are you there feeling the same as I
Whispering love songs to the lonely sky
And though I don't know where you are
I know you must be there
So for now I'll lay me down to sleep
and dream and maybe tomorrow
I'll kiss the air that covers you -
I'll watch the moonlight dance in your eyes
I'll hold you safely in my arms -
Maybe tomorrow you'll be mine

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I dont want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Overall Im having a good time up here at lock haven..... last night I had another panic attack.... I'm really getting tired of those. It seems as though anxiety is my biggest problem anymore.... depression is big but the anxiety is worse.

I watched the parade yesterday... Tiff looked so cute marching down with her trumpet.... the rest of the parade was good too :) ... it really made me miss 9th grade when I was in drumline. Then I walking back to campus from downtown made me remember when I wasi n school here and would walk to church.... same street and everything... made me miss that... and of course the days that Tiff and I were close.... miss those too.

Alot of my life is missing the past right now.... maybe its because im in so much pain right now... I really dont know. I really still wish I could go back to May and change what I did then.... it was stupid of me.... and my life and tiff's life is affected horribly because of it. If I had one wish... that would be it... going back to May and changing my actions then. I could be happy now.... and so could Tiff..

Things are still ok between Tiff and I... dont get me wrong. There is sitll just alot to be resolved.... and it will be... in God's time....

Please continue to pray not only for me but for her too. Im gonna finish getting ready for church now.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

For some reason I am very hyper and excited.... Im actually happy :) ... Odd... I forgot what this felt like.

I'm leaving in a few mins to head up to Lock Haven to visit Tiff... maybe thats why I'm so happy? :) I dunno.... I'm just in a good mood and I HAD to blog about it.... since I havent had many of these :)
I wanna go back to when I was in college.... I miss it :(

Friday, December 03, 2004

Im still feeling very down.... something needs to be done.... I need something happy in my life..... I need it so badly.

As far as I know I'm going to visit Tiff this weekend.... hopefully that will go well and make me happy.... she definately has the power to make me happy.... she's done it so many times before... yet it is rough on both of us at times... I just really need to stick to it... keep pushing on....

I still wish for something very happy tho.... I need it.

Well, my break is about over so I'm gonna get going.... I cant wait to get home and crawl in bed tonight.... Im *REALLY* looking forward to it... im beat.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

And you wonder why you feel this way
And you wonder how long it will take to heal
And you wonder what you did to get here
And you wonder who will save you from you

You’ve tried everything that has been in your reach
But none of it seems to satisfy
So like a man lost at sea
Your thirst leads you to drink the water
The more you drink, the more your throat runs dry
And you wonder why

-- PFR "Wonder Why"
Blasted night..... I just get more depressed as the night went on... I'm going to bed before it gets worse.....
I'm still pretty down.... :(
Why cant something really happy happen?
I had an odd dream last night.....

I was the guest preacher at my church.... and I got up and just went blank.... I didnt say anything... I just stood there... nothing... absolutely nothing.... then a friend took me out for ice cream and talked to me.... I came back and I started preaching up a storm.... then when it came to reading scripture I couldnt find it... I kept flipping through my Bible.... I couldnt find it... just like it wasnt even in my Bible... then my mom came up and read the scripture for me...

I know that God wants to use me in a great way... I just dont know what I can do... I'm so worn out and down about everything.... its like I dont have much to be happy about and its dragging me down... I dont know exactly what that dream meant but I guess it kinda gave me a little bit of hope.

As for today, I woke up depressed again... I'm down... and anxious too which definately isnt good. Today is my first day working at Jason's house.... not that I'll be doing much different than I do in VA but still a little nervous....

Either way, I have to finish getting ready.... Please continue to pray for me.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

So many people in the last couple days have told me how strong I am and how amazed they are at how I have come through so much and yet I still keep fighting. I guess that helps me a little bit. I dont feel very strong tho. I have been through alot... and I guess I am still alive.... I just want to be happy tho.

I guess I am going to go to bed. Good night everyone.
Well I have my phone back.... my grandmother advanced me my Christmas money..... Im really seriously getting nothing for Christmas... it's all been exhausted... *sigh*
Well my cell phone got shut off.... thanks to... well... ARGH... this isnt fair... you try to be nice ... someone takes advantage of it and then your the one that loses your phone..... my mom is seeing if I can get an advance on some of my Christmas money from someone and then she's gonna try to get ti to the verizon store.... argh this is annoying..... I hate my life.
I'm not well.... :(

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Why does nobody want me? Whats wrong with me?
Walking with my head turned to the sky
A little piece of heaven in my eyes
I find...

With heaven comes an understanding
With heaven comes a hope of things to come
But sometimes heaven seems so far...

So when it feels like there's no tomorrow
And yesterday's taking over
Don't stop to smell the sorrow
Or you'll go tumbling head over heart

Standing at the edge of another day
Praying 'til my tears are washed away
I find...

With heaven comes a dream of someday
Standing with the angels all around
But sometimes dreams come tumbling down...

So when it feels like there's no tomorrow
And yesterday's taking over
Don't stop to smell the sorrow
Or you'll go tumbling head over heart

Don't let your dreams go tumbling down
With nothing to fall on

Monday, November 29, 2004

I have no clue how..... but God will get me through all of this....

on a side note... He'll get Tiff through this too.
I started the process of filling out my eHarmony payment... couldnt finish.... I dont know why.... I just dont know whats up with me....

Things are not well right now... I'm so confused as to what direction I need to go... My therapist appt is still a week away.... but I dont know if I can even go to that because I dont know if I can afford the co-payment.... I hate my life.

I just took 1.5mg of Xanax... thats 3 times my normal dose... I should be out cold here shortly.... I actually dont know why it hasnt kicked in yet... it sure hit me fast in the ER the last time they gave it to me.
I guess maybe I better leave Tiff alone if I'm gonna be like this.... sure she did her share of screwing up... but Im the one screwing up bad right now..... I dont want to... and I dont think she wants me to leave either... but for now... maybe its best.... I dunno... I'm debating it.... she really hasnt done anything to hurt me.... in fact it's been rather good.... but I just put too much pressure on her... whether I mean it or not... and whether its my actions or not.... I just need alot of prayer and guidance right now.... This may or may not be best... I guess I just need to pray about it.... eHarmony just sent me an offer for 2 weeks for $9.95... maybe I should try that?
All I do is screw up.... now ... ah hell with it.... why even blog... I just really screw everything up. I wish someone would shoot me.
Im so absolutely sick and tired of being alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im really not doing too well.... I just feel so lonely.... no matter that I have stuff to be happy about... I'm just not happy.... its really getting old... and Ive noticed my attention span is gone.... completely gone.... I cant concentrate on anything..... loneliness and a bad attention span.... just really bad....

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Something else I got from the Polar Express......

You cant see the evidence until you believe.... the little boy could not hear the sleigh bells because he did not believe... it took him to believe before he knew they really did ring....

In my current situation, its like huge arrows pointing in one direction.... go this way... its the way to go.... and yet until someone believes it with me, they cant see those arrows. I wish I could open some people's eyes.... but thats not in my control... they have to believe themselves first... then it will become evident.
Today was a pretty good day aside from the fact I slept most of it.. lol

Tonight I went and met Kendra (the new one) in Beaver Falls. We went to see National Treasure... GREAT movie! Had a really nice time.... I think that her friendship could be very good... I need some Christian friends.

The by far highlight was talking to Tiff on the phone during my drive home.... I miss her pretty badly.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Time and time again
When I think I've reached the end
It's Your voice I hear
That draws me near

I don't know what makes You stay
When I act this way
No matter what we've been through
I can turn to You
"One thing about trains -- It doesnt matter where it's going, It just matters that you get on"

We saw the Polar Express tonight at the OmnIMAX. It was completely awesome and really taught me something about believing. That quote stood out. It really doesnt matter where my life is going... it just matters that I go. After the last few days of totally wanting to give up hope the movie tonight really hit me hard. I believe in something so strongly... and to think I almost gave that belief up. I just need to realize the train will get there soon enough.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Ive got so much to be happy about.... why cant I just be happy?

Went to see Christmas with the Kranks tonight... at least it brought alot of laughs. I'm still really down tho... I dont understand it. There must be something really wrong with me.... I dont know what to do :(
Lord, please take this pain away... the physical and emotional both. Please Lord... PLEASE.
Im not doing so well again today.... I tried so hard to list what im thankful for... like my new job, my family, God.... but I just cant.... I dont feel like it.... I was playing a game at my grandmothers.... everytime it was my turn someone had to tell me... then I kept putting the wrong pieces down... I'm just so out of it today... I feel left out... Im not.... but I feel like I am.... its not good... I used to live for holidays at my grandmothers... not anymore.... its just another day... every day is just another day.

Tiff sent me a text message to wish me a happy thanksgiving and also told me what she was thankful for... I could barely respond... I'm just so out of it.... there is something wrong with me... something very wrong... :(
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Traffic is nuts.... We are still nowhere near the pa line. I'm sick... Not feeling well at all. Emotionally I'm struggling a bit.... This may be one of my longer days. I'm not liking it all.

I just wanna be in my bed... Curled up.. Dreaming of something happy..... Whether it comes true or not.... *sigh* I'm not well.....
Still on my way to va... Really glad my dad is driving.... I threw up this morning.... Really feeling like crap.... Please keep me in your prayers.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Well I woke up very dizzy and nausious..... I guess my dad is gonna drive me down to VA. I hate having this but I dont want to risk it. I'm tired of being sick... I'm starting to think it is the start of this medicine thats bugging me so I hope that wears off soon.
What are the chances of meeting ANOTHER Kendra? :)

Its all good... I need another good Christian friend in my life....

Thanks Jason!

I know I really need to speak life and be positive... I'm trying to get closer to God so hard.... but im failing so misserably.... It is true when things start going right thats when satan is going to attack the most..... and thats whats happening.

I'll make it.... God hasnt left even if it does feel like it sometimes. Please keep me in your prayers for strength....

.... and I'm sorry for over-reacting.
Well I'm going to bed..... im really in alot of emotional pain right now.... and I'm affraid that I lost alot of hope tonight.... alot of hope in something that I had alot of hope in. It's really too painful to talk about right now so I'm just going to go to bed. Maybe another miracle will happen. I could use one.....
Why do I bother? You do so much for people.... you give chances time and time again and when it comes to something you need, its not there. People suck.... all of them.

If anyone is lying to me... you better come clean..... im sick of finding out about lies.... damn lies. The truth always comes out... and it hurts worse when it comes from someone else.
The hell with it.... you "care" so you lie.... that makes alot of sense... and more and more people are doing it to me.... people closer and closer to me....

I feel used... I feel so damn used......
Im really concerend at the moment... and a bit ... well, ok I'm downright scared... :( Something happened and I dont know what.... and its bugging me... bad. I wish things were easier right now.... I really do.
My stomach is still in knots..... I dunno why... either worry or just plain sick.... or reactions to meds.... you never know with me.
Im a bit concerned this morning so I dont know if my stomach hurts for that or because I'm still sick. *sigh*

I packed up the stuff for my Nextel this morning... gotta hand that over to Matt. Its sad seeing things come to an end. I am going to miss working at computer connections and Pizza Hut both but there are definately better avenues ahead. I'm looking forward to them.....

Please continue to keep me in your prayers. God Bless!

Monday, November 22, 2004

I am very serious when I say this. I dont want to hear anyone else say that I shouldnt get messed up with Tiff again.

1> My therapists/doctors are for it
2> She has been helping me stay happy recently
3> How would you feel if you were made out to be the worst person in the world?

Just stop and think before you say something to me, to her, or post on my comments. My mind is made up.... Tiff and I are friends again.... We'll see where it goes... There is no room for question on that right now. I have comments because I like people getting involved. I already stopped anonymous comments because of people just tearing down.... Please... if you care about me... no more tearing down of anything. I need support right now. She needs support right now.
I dont feel so hot this morning.... yesterday the depression was really getting to me physically.... but im wondering today if its more depression, if its the results of such a heavy depression yesterday, or if Im really getting sick and thats why ive been so depressed. I really wish I could just crawl back in bed.... but I need to get up and get going. I pray for something happy today... I could use it.
Well it's official.... in 2 weeks I will be working full time for Elite Internet Communications, Inc. :) Now to put my 2 weeks notice in at Computer Connections tomorrow.

Please keep me in your prayers as I make another transistion in my life.

Sunday, November 21, 2004 DVD: Fraggle Rock - Where It All Began

w00t ... Fraggle Rock on DVD in Jan!!!!!!!
I completely dont understand what I am going through.... I cried for so long today... part of that was on my mom's shoulder. I have so much emotional pain in me right now its not even funny. The weekend was pretty good... I had alot of good times.... I dont understand why when I got home I just bawled.... maybe because it was over? I really dont know. Tonight at work I was like a zombie... just totally out of it... not myself at all.....

In so many ways I know what is supposed to happen..... and I guess in those ways I dont understand why it just doesnt. Then I remember that God IS in control and they dont happen that way because He doesnt want them to yet.... I just dont understand that..... I dont understand why He doesnt just make me happy..... tho I'm not Him, its still hard to understand.

I am a hurting person right now.... its not because of any event, anything, or anyone. There are plenty of things in my own life that very well could be causing me problems.... This is a tough time for me... lots of decissions being made... life changing ones.... and all this during medicine changes and healing relationships.... its all alot on me right now....

I am going to go get ready for bed... but there is one thing I want to say here.... something that I havent said in a long while if I did at all.... Tiff is the most beautiful person in the world... both inside and outside. She has done so much.... and is so strong for what she is going through right now. Its like her world is collapsing around here... yet she's still here. She cries like I do... she wants to give up at times like I do.... but she keeps on going. I am proud to call her my friend. I only pray we continue to grow closer together.

Well Im getting ready to leave Lock Haven... cut short by Pizza Hut of course.... i'll be so glad when im done with that place... It wasnt a bad place to work... the people.. well most of the people are great... but I just need my time back.

This weekend was... interesting. When I first got here I acted like a pure idiot/baby... I dont really know why... I didnt even realize it until I thought back on it... I think that really changed Tiff's attitude toward me for a while... then later last night things got great again.... Tiff and I were feeling that closeness again.... then she started crying and I dunno what happened then... we both went to bed and thats where it stands. She is still sleeping ... I'm debating waking her up or not before I leave... nm... she just got up... well... I dont want to leave...

I guess I just keep thinking of the way things were before I screwed up in May... it's tough for me to deal with.... I do realize why I did what I did.... and its not good.... it was stupid but I realize now why im scared of people lying to me... especially people who care about me.... its because its been done to me alot.... but thats all im going to say about that.... that is something that I, myself, need to work through. None-the-less, its why I did what I did in May... and I regret every min of it.... EVERY bit of it....

I'm still looking forward to a second chance.... I think it may be on the horizon.... TIff still has some issues to work out... as do I.... I'm doing my best to be right beside here through it all... and she's doing the same. Im confident that I'm where I need to be.... its not an easy place to be... but im here either way.

Friday, November 19, 2004

I just read my blog and realized the jump from Wed to Fri.... kinda funny in a way..... truth is, Wed's post was really just an enraged post.... the other news I didnt post yet is I saw my doctor yesterday and we started a new med.... this one should help and shouldnt create the problem that the welbutrin did.... I will now be taking Zoloft.... we'll see what happens.

Thanks again for your prayers.
Starting today my VA hours a 12-6.... and I feel better already..... and I'm gettin ready to put my 2 weeks in at Computer Connections as well.

A little while ago I was offered full time with Elite Internet.... and as of today, I think I am going to take the job. Nothing is official yet but the scenario is definately better. I will probably be making my final decission tomorrow... so if anyone has any thoughts, let me know now :) .... The big thing is it will be nice to work for once company... not 3.... most of what I am doing is lateral.... as in I will be in PA 3 days and VA 2 with eicomm now as opposed to 3 days with cci and 2 days with eicomm.....

Nothing is set in stone yet.... but will be soon. Please keep me in your prayers tonight that I make the right decission tomorrow. Thanks!

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

I just want to understand this stuff..... I hate computers.... I hate working with them again.... I just hate it.... all of it.
Im never going to be able to keep anyone happy... Jason regarding work... Tiff regarding alot.... Steve at the hut because I cant work there anymore..... I just keep hurting people and making people angry.... I'm not performing well at anything..... I cant take much more stress.... I dont know what I'm doing... I feel so lost and I feel that I made way too many commitments that were way above my head..... I dont enjoy my job anymore like I used to.... no matter what I do I will never be good enough... never.... I dont understand the things I have to do in my job... I always feel overwhelmed.... im so stressed and..... and I just want to die so I never have to drive to VA again... and I never have to break someone's heart again.... and I never have to face this pain that I constantly face anymore.......

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Well first of all, Alltel FINALLY got my internet back up after it died on Saturday.... go guys go.... *sigh*

Secondly, I got a "new" phone.... my sister's old one.... I like it alot better so far... a few gripes but I may be able to get over them :)

Thirdly, my meds were whacked out... thats why I was freaking out all the time.... I am now just on the abilify and no anti-depresant again until Thursday.... this is starting to suck.... I seriously was a lot better off before I had "psychiatric help" ... Dr. Gaul did just fine I think... at least he was always there for me.....

Thats about all for now... more later im sure.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Well its almost 6am and I just got back from Western Psych... alot of the problems ive been having this weekend topped off today and I ended up in the ER. Turns out that I had a bad reaction to one of my meds... we're making a change that should take effect pretty quickly. Either way I am going to bed... I'm beat.

And Tiff... I'm sorry....

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Well the show was amazing. Not only was the production great but it really moved me too. I needed it. It just sucks that I have to rush home to work at the hut instead of enjoying a little more time out here.

In other news lori got a speeding ticket coming out here. 85 in a 65. Its nice that she finally got one since she drives the fastest and she's the only one that never got a ticket. We all had a good laugh.

I guess I'm in a decent mood right now. The only thing that bugs me is having to rush home.... I just can't get enough time away. I really need to get out of the hut so I can at least have my weekends.

I am wishing tiff was here. She would have loved this show. Maybe ill bring her out here sometime.

Ok enough for now. More later.
Well looks like I'm going to lancaster after all.... my sisters are going too and didnt realize it...
It would figure that everyone is away while im stuck at home.... I can drive out to Lancaster to see the show my mom and dad are seeing but that would mean driving.... Even though staying in bed all day yesterday helped alot, I dont think its a good idea to drive that far by myself yet. Maybe I'll just stay in bed all day again today? Not much else to do. It probably wouldnt hurt my chest either.

I did get to talk to Tiff for a little last night. That was really nice.... she's gone home for the weekend so I probably wont hear from her again until at least tomorrow... thats the part that sucks... maybe she'll hook her laptop up and get online... I guess we'll see.

Well, I'm gonna go upstairs and see if I could make something to eat and then I guess maybe go back to bed. If anyone wants to call me, they can.... but if I take pain meds I might not hear the phone.... hopefully I would tho.

Friday, November 12, 2004

U got, u got it bad
When you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
U got, u got it bad
If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track
You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun
It's all you think about
U got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
U got it bad

--Usher "U Got it Bad"

Thanks for the last comment... I forgot that EVERYONE understands except me.... I'm glad you brought that to my attention. Maybe I need to go back to the hospital so someone can hold my hand and help me live my life because I'm not capable on my own.

I give up... Thanks again for that comment... it worked wonders.... :(

Thursday, November 11, 2004

I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it
I’m so into you
I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it
I’m so into you
Ok so im better now...... this pain is getting to me soo bad that my mood gets out of whack right along with it. No pain right now thanks to pain meds... so im in a good mood.... I hope this stuff doesnt last too long. Dr. Gaul said some of the pain can last for months... we have to put the anxiety to rest tho.... which is another story. My insurance flat out refused to pay for the medicine I needed. I have to settle for second best I guess..... just really sucks.... insurance sucks.
Maybe I should just give up? If someone wants to talk to me... let them talk to me.... maybe I should just quit caring about people and quit trying to contact them and be friends.... maybe thats what I need to do... just stay out of other people's lives and shut up.... I bring everyone down with me.

I'm not doing well... my doctor's office (not my doctor), my friends, just no one... no one cares.... screw it all.... I really am getting suicidal again... but I know that falls on deaf ears too.... forget about me... it'll make your life easier.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I calmed down again... I got to talk to my best friend again and make sure that it was all ok.... so im good now.... good night (well in a half hour when im allowed to sleep).
Im not doing well..... at all..... I screwed so much up in my life and I'll never get a second chance.
I now owe Verizon $400 thanks to..... ARGH.... nevermind.... how am I gonna do this? I'm so far behind as it is... I was just getting caught up and now im screwed again... screwed bad.
I really wish I would have continued with Psychology..... I really dont like my jobs anymore..... ive been bordering on saying that but I really dont... I dont enjoy working with computers anymore... at least for the moment.... maybe I just need a break.... I dont know.... I am just really burnt out bad... :(

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

So I was just reading my discharge instructions from the ER.... I'm not supposed to be driving tonight.... oops... oh well...

Truth is I am a little bit worried about going to VA.... just too many uncertainties going on... new meds, etc. But it is my job and I'll push on to doing the best I can.... I just hope my best is good enough.

I'll be getting my shower and leaving in a little while. Please keep me in your prayers.
Im really frustrated and... just upset. I dont understand why I am to live like I do? In the ER so many times... mental problems... just everything ... its frustrating... I want to raise a family... have a wife that loves me... and just be normal. I dont want to have to be on medicine and stuff.... I just want to be plain old happy.

It really scared me a few mins ago when a though of suicide popped into my head.... it quickly left but I dont want those popping in.... maybe it is because of the med change and stuff..... I saw my therapist yesterday but I still dont get to see a psychiatrist for another month.... its bad.... my therapist and dr. both say its bad... but they cant do anything about it. I stopped taking my remeron on Friday.... this was my own decission... the first time I made a deccision like that on my own..... turns out it was a good move... my therapist agreed. Dr. Gaul is trying to get some new medicine approved right now.... because of course my insurance company doesnt like to cover the stuff that might just help me.... *sigh* ... We'll see where that goes.....

In my life, alot is looking better.... I feel that I am stable... but in my body, it s a different story... and I need prayer.... and a few friends to talk to.
Im really frustrated and... just upset. I dont understand why I am to live like I do? In the ER so many times... mental problems... just everything ... its frustrating... I want to raise a family... have a wife that loves me... and just be normal. I dont want to have to be on medicine and stuff.... I just want to be plain old happy.

It really scared me a few mins ago when a though of suicide popped into my head.... it quickly left but I dont want those popping in.... maybe it is because of the med change and stuff..... I saw my therapist yesterday but I still dont get to see a psychiatrist for another month.... its bad.... my therapist and dr. both say its bad... but they cant do anything about it. I stopped taking my remeron on Friday.... this was my own decission... the first time I made a deccision like that on my own..... turns out it was a good move... my therapist agreed. Dr. Gaul is trying to get some new medicine approved right now.... because of course my insurance company doesnt like to cover the stuff that might just help me.... *sigh* ... We'll see where that goes.....

In my life, alot is looking better.... I feel that I am stable... but in my body, it s a different story... and I need prayer.... and a few friends to talk to.
Back from the ER... the test was negative... same diagnosis as yesterday... just worse symptoms. I'll be sleeping now..... dr. said I cant work tomorrow.....

Monday, November 08, 2004

Well I'm off to the hospital again... long talk with dr. gaul is putting me back in the ER to have another test done.... something for an embelism or something like that... I dunno... I'm not the doctor....
Tiff and I had another pretty long conversation tonight.... it went pretty well... I talked a little about Tanya and she talked a little about her and Jim breaking up...

and.. NO! Tiff and I both need some time to get things together... I did not ask her out... nor will I for at least a while. Tiff needs her time to be single.... and it wouldnt hurt me either.... I need some paitence in the situation.

I'm sure things are all going to work out just fine... God is going to lead each one of us to where He needs/wants us to be. This is all in God's hands.... Just keep us in your prayers....
Well I just now woke up.... after sleeping all evening. I ended up in the hospital... during church I experienced a "panic attack" and of course this led to more pressure because I knew the first thing I was going to here is "its because of tiff" .... and sure enough, no more than a half hour after it started I was asked "is it because of tiff.." ... All I have to say is DAMNIT PEOPLE! Turns out it wasnt exactly a bad panic attack... It was constrodendatis or something like that. My chest was inflamed for some reason and was pushing against the cartlidge... and still it. My chest still hurts. Tiff being here this weekend was the best thing for me... but of course some people will never see that... to those people I say screw you!

They gave me 1mg of Xanax in the hospital... after I took .25 (or maybe .5) so I was completely knocked out... I slept a while in the hospital while they checked out my test results and stuff. They said that a small panic attack may have brought it on but thats been fairly normal for me recently. Thanks to someone who has not felt like scheduling me to see a psychiatrist. At this point I'm done taking my Remeron.... I'm not one to just stop taking a medicine but I am grabbing at all kinds of straws here... that medicine, whether it was helping or not, was destroying my life. Just making me tired and stuff which didnt allow me to do anything... never felt like it.... just stupid stuff...

For those of you looking for scape-goats because you cant accept that there is just something wrong with me, dont look to Tiff. TIff helped me more than anything this weekend so I dont want to hear it. Look to other situations in my life... like my aunt, jobs, lack of friends to do stuff with... just look elsewhere.

Well I just made some food so I'm going to go eat.... thanks again to those people that prayed with me and not against me. The people who saw tiff as being a possible benefit where right so far and I thank you guys so much for keeping an open mind. Now hopefully I'll be able to lay down for a few more hours and then go get my car which is still at church (since dad had to drive me to the ER).

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Well Tiff and I will be leaving for church soon.... and the sad thing is she will be leaving soon to go back to school... it's still as sad as it always was.... I'm gonna miss her again. This weekend really was great. Yes, there were some rough spots.... but we both needed this.... I'm being strong about all of this.... I honestly am doing alot better now that this weekend happened.... I just hope its not long till I see her again....

I'm gonna finish getting ready.... hopefully tiff is about ready too :) I'm sure there will be more later.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Yesterday was horrible.... things went wrong in VA, like they do every friday... I got out of there at 5 so I hit all kinds of traffic and then to top that off they closed 70 for a good 20-30 mins so they could land a medivac.... I had so much trouble getting home... what I didnt know is that Tiff was having trouble getting to my house.... didnt know she was coming.... she called me because she was on her way to my house and her brakes werent working because she almost hit a deer. She did make it here.... her car is in the garage right now being worked on. She broke a break line apparently.

So how are things going? Me and Tiff are getting along pretty well... I'm really glad of that. Its really nice to see her again and everything. I'm hoping that she stays until church but she may be going back tonight.... It just makes me very happy... I can tell that she is still hurting... truth it I'm still hurting.... but at least we're friends again... that is important to both of us... its tought... but its worth it. The nice thing is I had a talk with Beth (my mom's friend) on my way home last night and I found out that they are actually supporting everything with Tiff... I know my friends are going to be against it for a while but I'll learn to live with those differences that we have... at least my mom is behind me.

Well We're about to go get some more fish and filters and such.... I'm sure there will be more later.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Is it good or bad that I am able to just work while im having a small panic attack? I mean, I guess thats good.... but the bad thing is I have had them so many times that I'm able to work while im having them..... *shrug* ... Either way im coming back down... just a little tired because of the meds... oh well...
Please keep me in your prayers... I'm feeling a bit anxious right now... probably gonna take some meds.... this seems to be work related but who knows.... I'm just a little worked up about something.... keep me in your prayers.... thanks

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

First of all I want to thank those that are praying for me... I can feel it... thank you soo much!

Secondly... those few people that have made such an influence on me in the last week. The people who are keeping an open mind as to what may be in my future, and what may not. Tiff and I have been talking and doing very well on the friendship end of things. This is a very important thing and honestly has made me a much happier person in the last few days. It's those of you who help me without refusing to believe the POSSIBILITY of something that are helping me so much. Thank you for keeping an open mind... I need that desperately.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Just got done with a very long talk with Tiff.... this after lots of thought and talking to people that I truly trust about my best interest.....

We are debating hanging out.... I think this is the best thing for me.... sure, I'm nervous about it.... but I need to put an end to these what ifs..... as does she.

Tiff has been in counseling and getting help.... she's getting better.... and I've always known her very well. Truth is, most of what happened was all me... I blew things out of proportion and I've been too much of a wuss to admit that.... I made Tiff look bad where she shouldnt have ..... she made herself look bad where she did... and everyone knows she did..... we're trying to put that behind us.... These what ifs are killing us both..... Sure this is gonna be rough...... but we need it.... *I* need it.

Keep it in your prayers..... I need that... we need that! I really feel this is the best thing, as do others who really care about me and know the situation.
If anyone doesnt vote today, you should be deported! It's not a right, its a requirement of being a true American (especially this year)!

Monday, November 01, 2004

Tiff isnt online again :(
So here I am.... not going to lunch.... everyone decided to leave me alone on the sales floor at the same time Jim and Jason left for lunch.... they're picking me something up but thats not the point... I need to get out of here.... for this matter I COULD have packed my lunch. Stupid day.... when am I gonna have a good day. Before I got in today people were yelling on my radio about no one accessing their email... I get in and find it was a minor problem that affected 3 people.... not 3 companies... 3 PEOPLE.... out of freaking how many? I hate that crap.... boy that cried wolf is what that is about to become....

Ok enough venting.... *sigh*

Sunday, October 31, 2004

Am I HOT OR NOT? - Rate Me!
Today was bad.... I had a panic attack... well, it was a little more than that. I took some xanax and when I calmed down I was just out of it.... but that was for the better. I sat listening to Disturbed's song "Voices" over and over again.... and looking back... that scares me.... if anyone knows the lyrics to that song, you will know why.

The truth is... all of this could be so much better... I think.... the problem is that in this chess game, im not the one to make the next move..... but until that move is made, I'm scared... I'm scared of alot....

I worry now... why? just simply because Tiff isnt online. If there is one person worse than me right now, its her... and I worry....

The doctors arent there for me... my friends are only around to tell me what they think im doing wrong... I mean... come on people....

Argh... I'm getting upset again... I better go....
I'm so hurting. It hard to miss someone.... Its hard to go through what I've been going through.
Im sure somewhere there is someone betting on who is gonna to kill themselves first.... there are at least 3 of us now... plenty to bid on.... I recommend you find them and bet now.... because someone's probably going to be gone soon.
So this morning my mom calls me while I'm sleeping and says get up for church..... This is fine.... but I was up till past 2am... part my fault, but part not... either way I was, and still am beat. I was debating it.... I told her that I was up to 2 and she said "I'm being the parent and I'm telling you you will get up and go to church now" .... well, that made up my mind.... those could have possibly been the worse words she could have used. I was so fuming mad and said that I wasnt going and hung up. She's probably gonna be pissed when she gets home but it really upset me... badly....

And so I start another great day..... someone shoot me, please.
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Everyone is out having a good time but me....

Tiff isnt online... she's prolly out having a good time with Jim....
Parents arent home... they're at a party....
no one is online at all.... not that they'd wanna talk to me anyway....

Where the hell am I? At home alone.... this is bull' I hate my life.... so bad.
Im really down.... I'm home... but really down... my family is all at a party..... I'm here.... I really dont like my life... not at all....

I shouldnt be here.... I shouldnt be alive.....
Yea! I get to leave VA finally..... at least I gotta good sleep.... it still sucks that my saturday was shot... even tho Iw ouldnt have done anything anyway...

I had a long talk with someone last night that I needed to.... honestly, it helped alot but it just painted a picture of just how stupid the entire situation is....

I'm ok this morning.... but I am a little down.... I'll have my evening tonight.... but... well, yea... no one will be there with me.... *sigh*

Friday, October 29, 2004

So I am in VA all night now... I'm in my motel now... totally beat and ready for bed....

but yea, last night someone really helped me.... now Im not allowed to talk to her.... its amazing how rules apply to some people and not others... really kind of upsetting.... but im not allowed to have people to help me.... heaven forbid that I feel good for once.....

Someday maybe I'll meet a girl and she'll be the one for me and there wont be an issue.... someday maybe..... ok, im not banking on it.....

I'm really going downhill for the day... I guess I better just get my butt in bed before I get more pissed off. *sigh*
Its almost 8pm.... Im nowhere near leaving VA..... I should be getting home by now... *sigh* .... Im glad I'll at least be getting a decent paycheck.... which I need.... but still... this is crazy.... *sigh*
I found out last night.... that when I was flipping out and stuff... that by me going to someone for help actually prevented that person from hurting themselves. It is funny the way God works sometimes... its amazing how He will use a bad situation to perform a miracle.... This at least makes me feel a little better about last night. I know I still need help... but at least I know God is still in it all....
Well I'm still doing ok mentally just not physically. I am really looking forward to sleeping in tommorrow... I just don't feel well... I'm freezing no matter where I'm at...... Just not well. Well I'm gonna eat my lunch now.
I dont know what happened last night..... but then again, I still know I'm not well. Today I'm doing fine so far.... 2 projects are almost done and they went smooth. I talked to Ange for a long time last night... she's such a nice girl and she really helped.... but she helped because she knew she couldnt help... its hard to understand but the truth is, I just need someone to be my friend... someone I can just talk to and stuff.... and if you TRY to help me, you screw that all up. I do feel alot better this morning... I hope it stays this way.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Im so misserable tonight.... no even explaining it... Dr. Gaul called me back... he gave me permission to take Xanax or Ativan if need be.... I cant believe I'm back to this point again.... I need a therapist or a psychiatrist or something.... I put a call into Western Psych's IOP to see if they can get me to a psychiatrist soon.... I really need some serious SERIOUS prayer... im in bad shape.... sure I look happy... but im not... im not in the slightest.
.... and now I get ready to drive to VA.... just another parts of my mundane week... I really hate my life.... I hate being alone.... I hate it all....
Anyone who believes the happy face that I have been putting on for the past 2 weeks needs shot.... Im ... just not good.... I need prayer... lots of it.....
Yaknow... I watch my blogs and I realize that I am seriously going downhill drastically. I really seriously need prayer.... lots of it.... I'm scared again... Really scared. I called Dr. Gaul.. well, his office to leave a message for him.... I know this isnt his field but I dont know who else to call... its not like I have my therapist or anything.... I dont even know when I'll see a psychiatrist again.... I dont know if its my insurance company's fault or what... it probably is... no insurance company likes to deal with mental health so you always seem to get shit from them.... all I know is this all sucks... all of it... everything.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

I am really not fond of my life.... I really have no hope.... I have nothing to look forward to... ever... nothing in my life in general... I dont look forward to tommorow.. or next week... or next month... or next year.... I just dont have anything to look forward to... nothing exciting going on... nothing looking up for me at all.... all I have is get up tomorrow, deal with my depression or mood disorder or whatever the hell it is and just get my job done.... after that I can go back to sleep to do it all over again.

I'm tired of it... I'm tired of being lonely... I'm tired of being all alone in this world... no one to talk to or to hug or to cry on..... no one to cuddle with... no one.... I am hurting really bad.... REALLY bad... I cant take this much longer.... I really need a miracle....
Well Tanya called me a little bit ago.... I guess I feel a little better now that she explained why she's kinda ignored me.... she's having some problems.... but the bad news is that she confirmed that her and Eli's Dad are getting back together..... this really bugs me.... *sigh*

I really wish I could just cut the whole last year out... ... well, maybe 2.... go back to when I was in school and Tiff and I were really close and new that we were only going to become closer.... those were good times.... and I miss them bad.... now we sit here screwed up in the head.... *sigh* ... ok, i'll stop for now....
Well our one customer cut the work load down alot so hopefully I will get out of here at 4... thats at least some good news.

I really cant wait until Nov. 8th... I need to see a therapist badly.
I am at the data center now and just finally waking up. This could be another long day with seeing what I have to do... it could take a while. I really hope that I can get out of here at 4 today... I'm just not with it... but either way, this is my job, and I will do it to the best of my ability.

I really need some serious prayer. Truth be told I was crushed when I found out tanya went back to Eli's dad.... it really just broke my heart.... and its not because "shes not mine" but because... well, there are alot of reasons that I need not go into... I'm worried.... No, this isnt why im in bad shape... I was starting to go downhill before that for some reason.... Im just tired of the same old stuff.... and then when the bad stuff repeats it's self it hurts even more. I dont know what the future holds and Im not paitient enough to wait... I could be if I had friends who wanted to do stuff.... no one understand how bad I want it to snow. I need to get up on the slopes badly... thats really the ONLY thing I can do.... and the only thing I dont mind doing alone.

Im gonna get back to work... I just needed to take a min to blog. Please continue to keep me in your prayers. Thanks!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Well at least I'm venting... it may be to tiff, but at least I'm venting.... She's about all thats around right now.
Folks, I'm not doing well... please pray.....

Monday, October 25, 2004

So my day had a small highlight.... I got a new tank and got one cleaned... and it seems that all the fish are doing just fine....

... but.... first of all... I havent heard from Tanya in so extremely long.... I emailed her once... called her once.... havent heard from her.... tonight my mom told me that she was back with Eli's dad.... I just wanted to cry.... ok.. maybe I did a little.... Im really starting to hate myself for breaking up with her.... maybe we werent perfect together but at least... well, at least she was happy and in good shape.... not that I was it... but she was.... and well... I dunno... I guess I shouldnt be worried but I am.... and if Eli's dad is why she hasnt talked to me... that just hurts really bad.

.... THEN.... I havent even so much as seen Tiff online... no posts to her blog... I just want to know she's ok... but I dont.... all this adds to what has already been going on.....

I guess I've made some seriously stupid decissions and ive not been there to help others.... I really am not feeling too proud of myself.... Maybe I deserve this?
Mom said something to dad.... im not bowling now... thank God :)
So my dad comes to drop something off to me just a bit ago and goes "You are bowling tonight, right?" ... *sigh* ... yea, I guess I am....

I just wanna cry..... this day is NOT getting better... its only getting worse... so much for setting up my fish tanks and getting to bed early.
Well, I ended last night with a dream about Tiff and myself.... I guess I kinda enjoyed the dream but that doesnt mean that my hopes are higher :(

Last night was horribly bad.... I dont really know why... it just was..... and im glad it's over..... I actually havent got off to a good start today either.... slept in... rolled out of bed.... I'm really hoping for the best for today..... Petsmart better have the tank I want.... if not, I'm just going to bed to forget it all.....

I really feel like I'm going nutso again.... I'll be fine.... I know I will.... I'm just kinda out of it at the moment.

Well, I'm at work now... so I'm gonna end this post.... there will more than likely be more later. Just keep me in your prayers.... I'm tired of being lonely and bored.
This was a rotten day.... more not having anything to do... then having to go to work when I didnt feel like it... depressed all day.... get home and find that my last goldfish died.... Im tired of not having any friends to do anything with.... and I stress what I said there.... I DID NOT say that I have no friends.. so dont tell me that I do... I know I do... I just want friends that I can do something with on my day(s) off.... but they arent there. People left and right are telling me that I need to quit pizza hut.... those are the same people that arent there when I have a day off and go crazy because NO ONE is there. There are many times that I would like to quit pizza hut.... but why? When I have nothing to do anyway, why should I?

Argh... I'm really frustrated... at least tomorrow should be a better day.... I should be getting another aquarium for my baby fish.... I cant wait to fall asleep... I really cant.....

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Secretively I have been hoping that someone would just show up at my house...... today would be the best day for that... tho I know its not possible. I just so need excitement in my life... Im so bored with everyting.... oh well... time to quit work... someone call me or something.
Does ANYONE want to do something today? I need to get out and do something but I have no friends that like to do anything.... :(
I'm home... thank God.... good night!
What a day!
But I'm finally home!
Nite Nite

Friday, October 22, 2004

Just a heads up to anyone looking for me... I will not be leaving here (VA) for a long while yet.... everything going wrong.... anyway, just a heads up... gotta get back to work.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Lunch went well.... I am just now having my first can of pop.... I think im doing well.... however, I am having some serious burn out right now I think.... I could use something to cheer me up.... something to do or ... anything.... keep me in your prayers.
Looks as though my new schedule is going into effect.... I'll leave tonight for VA, go to Maryland, sleep... get to the data center around 8am. Then I get to leave at 4pm and hopefully miss most of the traffic. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

First, if you read this at all, you must read it all....

Ok... where to start. First of all... I am really dealing with something.... I still have not gotten over the decision that was made for me by close friends while I was in the hospital. Deciding for me that I should not be talking to Tiff was the single most destroying thing that happened to me. The worst part is, it was good intentions. So how do you treat that. You would hope that seeing upon how bad it hurt that some people might realize that maybe it wasnt the best thing..... but thats not what has happened. I know of 4 people invovled. Jason, Jim, my mom, and Matt..... and ive been working this through with each one of them. My guess is that Matt doesnt even realize what happened.... he was just asked some questions. My next guess that is when I talk to my mom about it, she is going to lie. Only because she doesnt want to hurt me.... Jim is right there with Jason but yet understands that defensiveness is bad.... thank God for one friend that realized that interfering would be bad and just didnt get involved. Anyway... thats the first thing on my mind. Second thing on my mind.... my life needs to get back in order.... and I NEED TO GET BACK TO GOD! Thirdly... I wish that I could help Tiff... but yet I know I cant. Fourth... I cant wait to get back into counseling a little bit. Fifth... finances.

Ok.. so what happens now? I, of course, had 4 hours to think about this while it was on my mind the entire drive home from VA today. Finances... eating out.. bad.... also, eating out with Jim and Jason.... honestly... its bad for my mood right now. I dont really know why but its been eating at me. So I stopped at Wal Mart tonight and picked up groceries... I'm going to give this a shot. What else? I'm going to try to cut WAY back on pop.... caffeine is SOOO bad for me in this situation.... looks like the pop machine at CCI is gonna take a hit. I dug out my old cooler.... bought some sandwhich bags and a case of water as well as others.... I'm walking into CCI tomorrow with a laptop on my back and a cooler in my hand. And then I started to think how am I going to handle a 1/2 hour lunch (yes, 1/2 hour... that means each day I will be getting an extra 1/2 hour of pay since I wont be taking an hour lunch - more good finances)..... Well, I need to get back to God... the reading before I go to bed isnt helping... so what better to suplement a sandwich than the good ol' fashioned WORD OF GOD. Honestly, I dont know how this is going to work out. My desire for the Lord is not where is should be but I'm going to try to devote time at lunch to read and to pray. It will only take me a few mins to eat as it usually does and its not fair to go back to work right away since I wont be getting paid for that half hour... so I'm going to go off to the side and read.... I'm gonna try it... I sure hope it works... I need God back. Well, not that He ever left... I guess I just need to look back to Him. Situation with those that hurt me? Well, that is going to have to be left to God right now. I am coping pretty well with that situation right now... it is hurting but that is the extent of it.... even Jason said how much ive matured and noted that when we actually talked about that situation I did not blow up.... I dont want to... it will do no good. I just need to leave it in the Lord's hands.... He knows how much it hurt me and if something needs done, the Lord will guide each person involved... I do need to talk to Matt tomorrow tho and just get things cleared up between me and him.... he is definately still my best friend.... I also really need to consider something else... bowling monday nights..... financially its not good, and emotionally it might not be either... I love bowling but im not liking going there every monday night... plus things in the league are just not right, and... thats another day I could ski per week..... I guess I'll need to talk to my dad about that... but gosh... thats gonna hurt me to do it and hurt him if it comes to me pulling out of the league.... I dont know. Either way... for most of the things that came up, I think I have really good plans for them.... I just pray that I can carry them through.... Keep me in your prayers.... and keep Tiff in your prayers too.... as for her... I need to know... but I cant be involved.... before I was there to lead her into making the right decissions.... its not my turn this time... it's hers. The only thing I can do is sit and watch... but I'm thankful that I am able to watch... I need that.... she needs that..... and by all means, if she makes a right decission and needs help... I'll be here.... she just has to make that decission.... it's hers to make... not mine.

Thanks to all who have been praying.... I'm going to pack a lunch (I cant believe I just used those words) and then head to bed. Good night all!
Finally finishing up another day in VA..... its been a day... *sigh* ... lots of my emotions playing with me.... lots of tiredness... especially with being sick yesterday..... Talked to jason today about possibly moving my hours.... Im hoping to drive down to the maryland welcome center the night before I work down here and then just sleep the night in my car..... which, sounds bad.... but really isnt. It woudl be alot safer than me driving at 6am.... my body just does not wake up then..... its really tough.... and I really would like to be alert when I drive :) ... and sleeping in my car? so what.... I get my shower before I leave and honestly.... my car is not uncomfortable at all (yes, ive slept in it before)... then the plan would be work 8am till 4pm and then that means I'll get out of here before the DC rush hour.... Its just in a suggestion state.... hopefully it will work out... at least to try for a while.... I guess we shall see tho. Im just glad to be going home for today.... im beat already..... and btw, please pray for me.... lots of stuff on my mind right now......

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Well I am feeling a little bit better right now. I had some time to cool down and realize that its not that bad..... everything just kinda hit me hard right there.....

I really need to put this out in the open.... I am hurting at times right now... things are rough on me... I am coping and I really am doing just fine. But please, when I am down, do not think or assume that it is because of one reason or another. It makes it very tough on me when one person assumes that its one thing and starts giving me advice based on that assumption. I am better, everyone. The hospital helped and the outpaitient program helped... as well as my new meds. I am doing ok... I'm doing fine... but I hurt just like every single one of you do sometimes... and we all get through it.... but just because 2 months ago I couldnt handle it does not mean that I cant handle it now.... I need to be trusted with my own life again.

Thanks for listening, everyone. I needed to get that out.... and I wasnt pointing fingers at anyone... SO much was done for me that I appriciate greatly.... everything meant alot to me... I just need the time now to start getting my life back on track... and flat out... I have to find my first love again... and before anyone attacks that, I am reffering to my God. If you want to help, pray that I get back to Him. *hugz* to everyone... and thanks again!
I wish to God I did not live the last 15 mins of my life. Whoever realized the mood is contagious... they were genius! I was in such a good mood and now 15 mins later, I'm a wreck. And before ANYONE says ANYTHING about TIFF.... it is NOT her! I have not talked to her or had any reference to her for a while now. It is other people in my life right now..... Maybe I just need to quit being the helpful person I am... I help everyone... and I get screwed over for it.... "No good deed goes unpunished" ... there is alot of truth to that..... I need sleep I guess....

And yes... I'll get through this too....
Im tired of being lonely...... :(

Sunday, October 17, 2004

--- Begin Comment ---
Bob, being a fellow manic depressive & married to one I know how you feel. It's so much easier to hide away from the world when you're alone. But it's in that isolation we get those crazy ideas that our lives don't matter. Then as we dwell on the pain it intensifies until it doesn't matter if we live or not. Not always suicidal but just kinda hoping to crawl in some dark hole & sleep until there's a better day. Of course reason says if you're sleeping how are you going to know it's a better day. LOL! But who ever said MD was rational? But force yourself to go eat at a soup kitchen & visit a mission & notice the needs. See something you're good at, jump right in & help. Very few will object. You have to climb outside yourself. Don't know why it works. But it does. There are worse things than being alone. It took a really wrong marriage to prove it to me. I was alone for the better part of 5 yrs. & in several bad relationships just to keep from being alone. It was when I made up my mind I was going to quit focusing so much on finding someone & turned my attention to others & improving my life things began changing. It sounds like pop psychology until you get it out of your head & into your heart. But it's true. Life really is worth living despite the suffering. Oh btw I say Go Bush,too.

Posted by alwayshope to BibleBoy's Blog at 10/17/2004 05:58:08 PM
--- End Comment ---

Yaknow.... well, it speaks for it's self....

And to "alwayshope" ... thanks!
Tonight I took a huge hit to my self esteem at work.... dunno if the person who said it really even realize it but enough was said to really make me wonder. Am I ever going to find a girl that likes me. I mean, people tell me all the time that Im a great guy.... but to have a relationship, I have to be attractive too.... and I really question that now.... will I ever find that person. Anyway, I'm really down right now... just needed to blog it.... I'll be fine im sure... this, too, shall pass.... it just hurts.... Im really lonely :(
I think I realized something about myself. People always wonder why I'm so into having a girl friend... and I think I figured it out. It has always seemed to me that a friendship is something that you just... you just have.... my experience with friends is that you talk and you know each other and you call them friends.... the majority of my friends... ok, ALL of my friends dont want to "go out" often... if at all.... many have girlfriends/wives that take up their time... to me, its been when I've had a girlfriend that I actually get to do stuff.... go see movies, go to parks, go to places like dave and busters.... just hang out.... its only when I have a girlfriend taht I get to do that stuff. So I think thats maybe why I want to have a girlfriend as badly as I do... just so I can get out of the house.... well, let me change that a little bit... that is NOT the only reason why... there are plenty of others.... but getting out of the house is big.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

This is legit and anyone can (and should) sign up. Click this link so I get credit for it... well that is if you plan to vote. Their privacy policy is also safe.
give me LOVE, give me LIBERTY, DISCO
the place everybody in the family's found
on that day, we will all be happy people
when LOVE, LIBERTY, DISCO's in town

and if I told you there's somebody who loves you
would you say, hey, show me that face
and if I told you that true freedom was actual
would you say, hey, take me to that place
and if I said there is a family
a body that moves as one
oh do you feel the LOVE that invites us, the LIBERTY that excites us
the DISCO has just begun
it's just begun


and as we step into in the light of the lover
we're all the same, there's no rich or poor
and, you know it's never been good for a man to be alone
so come on in your name's on the door
what are we waiting for?

- Chorus -

all our fears are turning 'round
fall down and meet your maker
where our true selves we'll be found
callin' out to every lonely soul

- Chorus (5x) -
Things are better....

Ironed things out with Jason... he's not gonna call tiff anymore but most of all, I understand everything alot better... and so does he.

Tiff is at a point in my life where she needs to be. I cant help her... but maybe I can point her in the right direction. We talked for a while tonight... it was good.

Im tired.. construction and traffic was bad.... nite nite

Friday, October 15, 2004

Just taking a min to update some stuff in my life. First... I got to play with Eli 2 nights in a row.... of course he cried when I left both times... it hurt and yet made me feel good at the same time. I love that little boy to death! Had my appt with my lawyer... things are looking good there so thats a big relief.... parents bought me my season pass to Hidden Valley as an early Christmas present.... that means I can ski all the hell I want!!!!! My therapist said that a season pass would be the best thing for me... and he's right. It'll get me out to clear my head and get physical exercise at the same time..... now if it would just freaking snow! :) The other fun things is I met a couple cool girls on hot or not.... (why do I think that site is so fun?).... one lives pretty close and she is especially cool :) ... maybe I'll make a new friend.... I sure could use that.

Well I'm about to start my long EICOMM day. Hopefully all of us have good days!

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Before I fell asleep last night I put a little thought in to tiff.... yaknow... its amazing how im the one that twists words.....
When I first started talking to tiff it was never an issue of friendship not working unless we were together, but that has been twisted. I said time and time again that the fact that we're not together doesnt hinder me... the fact that shes with Jim does. There were alot of promises made.... alot of things said.... and it all related to Jim. She says time and time again how bad things are with him and I guess not only does that bug me from before but because of the fact I care about her, I dont want to see her go through that. It's just not right for her.... if things arent going well, and especially after some things I've heard.... why is she still with him? That is what is killing me.
You can kindly disregard this post... it's evident somehow that I dont know what im talking about.... I dont really care... and Tiff is the worst thing in my life apparently. Its my life... and im not fit to control it.... so just ignore all of this...

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

I was watching the debate for a while... got sick of yelling at Kerry.... time to go to bed anyway.... GO BUSH!
Bush: "He is asking if I am going to put my judges through a litmus test. The answer is NO!"

Kerry: "The president hasnt addressed the question"

Are you freaking kidding me? And there are people who are really going to vote for Kerry?

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

I really am confused. The only thing I am convinced of is that my friends dont know whats best for me.... though, neither do I.

I did really well today... and I still am doing well... I had a little bit of rage that lasted only for a short time and I made sure that apologies were made after it. I'll be ok... I'm sure of it.

This time in my life is harder than ever before.... then again I have never loved this much than ever before....
I think tonight is my frist real down night since I've come out of the hospital... lots of stuff is getting to me.... mainly to start it all of, all of my friends avoid me... no one ever wants to do anything with me.... secondly I am still being haunted by what a friend of mine did to me while I was in the hospital.... I dont know about intentions any more... I want to talk about it but Im affraid to bring it up.... the results of it are still haunting me and becuase of it the answer that I need to know I will never find the answer to. Now, on top of it all... I have had the door slammed on my face publicly... I dont know if its really what she wants.... it could REALLY be the results of my friend's actions.... and I will never know.

I'm going to bed soon... I really hope I feel better when I wake up.