Sunday, August 24, 2008

Prayer Needed

I could really use some prayer right now. As much as I don't want to have to admit it I am really falling into a deep depression and I have absolutely no support system. These are really hard things for me to admit because I like to think I was over this and I'm scared that ill end up back in 2003 and 2004 but I need to face the facts and admit I'm headed in that direction and I have no source of encouragement.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Monday, August 18, 2008

Where am I?

It's been a hell of a couple of weeks and it's not looking like its getting better anytime soon. I know I have been unresponsive to a lot of people recently and I do apologize for that. Currently I am finding it very difficult to keep up with my work load. This is, for the most part, a good thing. While that is true from the business stand point my body has been begging to differ for quite some time. Yesterday was my first day off in a while and I literally slept all day. I got home somewhere around 5:30am Sunday Night and the next thing I remember is waking up around 3pm. I remember getting a bottle of water and starting something off of my PVR but the next thing I remember is waking up at 4:30pm..... and then the next thing I remember is waking up at 6:30pm and realizing that I needed to be at the firehall at 7:30 for the membership meeting. The membership meeting went well and it also marked the end of my probationary period and they voted me in as a full member. I'm still trying to get into Loudoun County's fire "academy" because its really the only one that semi-fits my schedule and since its in Leesburg it's only a town over from the data center so I can make it to the data center before and/or after class. If they have room I will start that next month. Once I complete that (which would end in December or January), I will then be a certified firefighter and will be able to enter buildings, etc.

The week ahead of me is just as busy as last week. My one customer is still progressing in their move from one Equinix facility to another and that's been consuming a lot of my time. My other customers have had a steady flow of tickets as well and, thus, I am still behind. If this keeps up I may be hiring someone a lot sooner than I had ever dreamed. I guess this is a good thing but I really could use a vacation.

Saturday I went to the Prince William County Fair with Sophie and Amber and that was really a good time to relax. I had a little bit of a rough time in missing my sisters.... that may sound odd but it was always a big deal when my sisters went to a fair or an amusement park and since I've moved to Virginia we haven't been able to do any of that at all..... I actually havent even made it to a park myself. The highlight of the whole day (and maybe my month) was that I took Amber on the Merry Go Round before we left. Seeing her smile was.... well, it was just awesome. At first I was afraid that she was getting scared and when the gears settled on the horse she was on and the horse jumped I was bracing for a scream.... she looked conerned for a brief second and then she just started laughing..... she loved it.... and I loved it.

Please keep me in your prayers. There has been a lot on me and it looks like there will continue to be.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Improvising Life

I find it a very interesting thing that the root of any kind of Improv group is this concept of agreement. Tonight I listened to the first part of "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell which is a book that I would highly recommend to anyone. A chapter covered an improv group in a lot of detail and used many examples of this agreement concept. While the outsider believes that improv is pure chaos there are actually some very important rules of conduct that are vital to sucess. The most important of these is that you can not turn down anything that is suggested. The example used in the book was a skit where a doctor and paitient were discussing a problem with his arm. The paitient said "you can't amputate it. I'm rather attached to it" and in the next line the idea was shot down and the skit abruptly ended. The basic reason for this is that there is a need for a smooth flow of ideas and improv is constantly working with what you got and when your in a live performance you simply can not take something back. It is crucial to go with the flow and to build upon what was done and let the ideas of each person involved in a skit to flow uninterupted. This is a very small description of the rule of agreement.

Recently I had a phone conversation with a friend of mine that scared me in that I saw so much of myself in this person from a dark time of my life and I realized that the majority of the things this person had been doing that upset me were completely justified in their mind and in the same state of mind I would have responded much the same way. Perhaps scared isn't the proper word but startled would be a better description of the way I felt. Realizing that this friend of mine has been trapped in a position with their hands tied and not being able to do what they believed they needed to do and then thinking about the situations that I went through 4-5 years ago in my life made me realize the similarities were overwhelming and realized that, while things did need to change, I could not fault this person for the reactions they had to many different things. This added to the desire to understand what it was that made me better a little over 3 years ago which I explained in an earlier blog. I think this concept of agreement helped answer at least a small portion of that.

At the end of 2004 I was undergoing some different treatments through Western Psychiatric in Pittsburgh, PA. On of these was a program that was based upon the research of Marsha Linehan. Just a few days ago I was reminded of her concepts from a podcast that I listened to, Wise Counsel. Listening to the interview was very interesting for me because this was looking at what I went through as a paitient from the eyes of the psychologist and the concepts became a lot more real to me. The most important concepts in the program I went through was "it is what it is".... The example that I remember the clearest was the story of a boy on a bike who is going down a hill and is out of control. At the bottom of this hill is a very busy intersection and, ultimately, the boy runs into the intersection and is killed. The typical response that everyone has is "that shouldn't have happened" but, in reality, yes it should have. It's not to take light the tragedy that occured because it is devestating. The reason why you can't say that it shouldn't have happened is because of the events that led up to it. The stage was set and it was ultimately what had to happen. Realizing this reduces a lot of stress and anxiety we place on ourselves. If we do not accept the fact that this had to happen because the events led to it then we find ourselves trying to explain why they happened and we start blaming people while our another part of our brain is trying to scream to us that it is not their fault. We don't make anything better when we can not accept what happened and what events led to that. We can look to the future and possibly prevent it from happening again but the bottom line is that what happened is what happened -- it is what it is. It wasn't until I listened to the podcast that I realized that there is an entire field of "acceptance therapy". What is interesting about Linehan's work is that it takes a slightly different approach in that it mixes acceptance therapy with adding some possibility of change but only after you accept that you can't change the past. This is a little deeper than I need to go in to right now so let's just leave it at acceptance therapy.

When I was about 16 it seems that a long series of events happened that really pushed me into situations that I could not control and what made it worse was that many of these were things that were absolutely not fair. Not to take lightly the fact that I made mistakes there were situations where people acted more immature than what I did in response to my immaturity. My life started to go downhill a little more with each step because my motivation was to change that which occured and convince these people of their immaturity. I spiraled more and more out of control because these were just simply situations that could not be changed or improved upon -- the problem was that I didn't know this, or at least I didn't want to know this. I became more and more incapable of accepting things as they were and moving forward regardless. This entire phase of my life is an almost carbon copy of the concepts involved in my friend's current struggles.

So what was it that changed me? Was it this program I went through? Not eactly. Actually, I still don't know but I think the concepts that I learned in the program that I went through were a vital part in whatever it was that made me better. More so, I think other concepts that have already been brought up in the book, "Blink", play a vital role. There was a huge need for my unconscious to be retrained. It was important for me to accept the things that had happened, no matter how horrible they were, and to continue the flow of life. I had to improvise. Its interesting to find that acceptance therapy is becomming well known as a highly effective therapy and I don't think its a huge leap to understand why.

Its interesting that all of these improv comedy groups have had the answer all along. Never deny the fact of something that happened and agree with the other people involved and move forward and build off of each other's ideas. Everything stated in an improv skit needs to be used as a springboard for more thoughts and, in the same way, everything that happens to us in our lives needs to be used as a springboard for the rest of our lives. No matter how bad something was that happened to us we need to accept the fact that it happened to us and we need to move forward. Bad things are going to happen to us and bad people are going to hurt us but if we can not move past that and we obsess on "getting even" it isn't that other person's life that we hurt but, rather, it is our own life that we hurt because we are failing to progress. We refuse to agree that the events that led up to the negative event that harmed us had to end that way and, thus, we hold ourselves back because we are trying to change events that, well, had to happen. The most important part of all of this is to realize that accepting that events happened does not mean we accept that they were right. We need to accept that it is what it is and to move forward from there. If we don't agree then we end up killing this amazing improv show that is called -- life.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Throwin' Out Tha Wicked

Gosh I hate demons
I rip ‘em in half
Grabbin ‘em
Than I be stabbin em with my lyrical dagger
I’m getting madder like every single minute
Cuz every time there’s trouble demons try to get me in it
There always doin something to try to hold me back
From serving Christ
So I hit ‘em with a spiked bat
The devils on the ground so I kick him
Cuz this is one Christian that aint gonna be another one of the devils victims
Shake ‘em with my rhyme in the spine
Vengeance is mine sayeth the lord
So I don’t live by the sword
And if you got beef than I leave it alone
Cuz I’m saved to the bone
God is on the throne
He set me free glory hallelujah praise the lord
And now I be hangin demons by they necks with my mic cord
And you can punch me in the lip
But I still won’t quit
Preachin the word of god
So step the heck back cuz I spit
When I be rappin upon the microphone
Cuz I’m a cyclone pelon
T-Bone is the one who be known
For jackin demons with a chrome bar over the head
They keep on beatin him down till they swimming in a pool of red
Then ill spit on him
Laugh at him
And step on him
And let him know I be that redeemed hooligan
The one who’s known to put demons in check
Break they necks
And at the same time catch wreck
So if I see a quija board you know I’m gonna kick it
Cuz I don’t play with sin yo
I’m throwin out the wicked
Throwin out wicked like god (4xs)
All the homies know
Us got the beats and
I got the rhymes
And in my scriptures every single day you know that I climbs a
Little bit higher becuz all of these demons on my trail
And I don’t wanna fail
Cuz the nails went right thru his hands
But some people don’t understand all the pain that he went thru
But what if it happened to you?
What would you do?
If they ripped your dirty nanzas with a cat of nine tails
And stuck a crown of thorns in your held till ya bled
Then drilled your hands and feet to the form of a wooden cross
I thank god that the blood he shed wasn’t lost
They whipped him
Kicked him
Spikes were driven thru his hands and feet
So that I can be forgiven
The blood of Christ was a sacrifice that set me free
So for eternity I wanna be livin in misery
But people swearin hells gonna be fun and games
But wait till the judgment day when everybody’s burnin in the flames
They’ll yell
Cuz hell is a place
Of fire and brimstone where the skin melts off your face
So you best throw the wicked out ya life
Accept his sacrifice
It’ll bring you back to life
But in a whole different place this time
Where there’s no pain sorrow gains getting mugged is a crime
But there will only be streets of golden mansion
And won’t be lunatics like that vato Charles Manson
The only lunatic in all of heaven will be me
I’m jackin demons (speaking in Spanish)
I’m knocking out the devil like Julio Cesar Chavez
Then I’ll kick him in his face till his nose is broke
Blood be flyin everywhere
This fogs from my gun smoke
Cuz I stuck my double barrel down his mouth and I click it
(Gun cock sound) POW!!!
I’m throwin out the wicked
Throwin out wicked like god (8xs)
Straight from the slums
I comes with drums
And beats demons over the head with clubs
Bats brooms sticks chains
I’m going insane
I got no brains
I’m obsessed with slaughtering all these demons everyday
The only way to do that is to get on my knees and pray
Then find the devil and say (speaking in Spanish)
Then spray him with my tag up against the wall like graffiti
I never ever celebrate the day of Halloween
Becuz I’ve been redeemed
My slates been cleaned
I’m throwin out the wicked like the witches of east wick
And when I do that yo it’s more brutal than a Jason flick
Attacking demons like a pit bull full of wool
Cuz I’m the lunatic that escaped from the mental ward
Tying demons to my truck
Than I drags
‘Em down a jacked up freeway while they laying in they body bags
The devil tries to run
But I’m gonna find you
Huh yea
Cuz its through prayer that I bind you
(Crowd yelling)
You’re bound in the name of Jesus
I’m the hunter
And the devil be the prey
I’m taking out the devil like a renegade
Throwin out wicked like god (till fade)

"Throwin' Out Tha Wicked" by T-Bone