Tuesday, October 31, 2006

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of Hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything, but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
So far away
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

"Far Away" lyrics / Nickelback

Im not sure what to think of anything anymore. Im so emotionally hurting.... I need comfort and I need rest and I cant seem to find either. They way I feel isnt really something I have felt before. Im not depressed but I am sad.... Things are changing again and I know that its a good thing -- whatever it is.... Im just so tired and worn out. Things keep changing and I just really want to have some stability but I guess God doesnt think its time for that. Im not anywhere that I expected to be at this point in my life. In many cases things are better..... but there are some things that I wish was different. I really thought that I would be married by this point in my life.... and here I am not even to keep a girlfriend when I find one. Maybe its true that I am worth a lot to God but sometimes I dont feel like I am.... and I really wish that someone thought that I was worth fighting for.... but so far when things got tough, I was left on my own.....

I especially dont know what up with tonight..... Ive just had these tears welling up behind my eyes. I feel like its going to burst at any moment and Im just going to bawl.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." --Matthew 11:28

I'm really having a problem understanding things going on in my life right now. Today this Scripture came to my mind but I could not remember where it was. As I layed down in my bed to go to bed, skipping my nightly Bible reading, I just kept hearing this over and over again.... there is just so much on me right now and I'm not seeing where the rest is coming. Thankfully, I finally realized that I needed to read so I picked up my Bible and read the story of Daniel in the lions den. God ministered to me that sometimes people are tricked into doing something that they wouldnt do if they knew the whole story. I'm still trying to figure out exactly how (or if) this applies.... but again, I kept thinking about the rest that God promised to the weary and burdened..... I turned to the back of the Bible to look at the topical index and looked under rest... my search didn't lead me to Matthew 11 but as in so many other cases, I ended up back at 1 Corinthians 13. To me, it is a supernatural phenomenon that I keep ending up at 1 Corinthians 13. No matter what I'm looking for, my search always ends up at that chapter -- or at least passes by. I have to be up in about 5 hours but it just kept running through my mind so I got up and searched biblegateway and found Matthew 11:28.... and now I'm blogging about, well, I dont even know.

I guess some of the things on my mind are just questioning why it seems like God isnt answering me and questioning what it is that He is trying to show me.... I feel like I'm backwards to my surroundings... which is most likely for a good reason... but I don't like self-centered people and yet, God puts me in NoVA which is the capital of self-centered people. God is definately trying to talk to me about love... but I don't understand what.... And if love is such a huge factor in my life, why is it that all of my relationships fall apart or are ripped away from me..... add to that why there are so many relationships that are so strong and yet an external force seperates it. Is God trying to show me what I'm doing wrong and I'm not listening? Is God trying to teach me something that I need to learn for the future? And why do these typical male sexual desires consume so much of me?

Aside from all of that, there are even more questions. Where am I supposed to be? When I was 15 I knew that God had a place for me in ministry.... Actually, it's where the base idea of RansomNet came about (http://www.ransomnet.org). What is my next step? Is it possible that I was wrong about what I felt I was called to.... or is where I'm at as far as I'm supposed to go in ministry? I don't feel it is.... but what does that mean? Does that mean that I need to go into full time ministry? But my jobs in corporate america have brought alot of things to the table and the contacts I have as a result have provided things that New Life would not have been able to do otherwise.... so corporate america is a big part of my ministry -- but is it supposed to stay that way?

Nothing I am questioning now is the result of anything going bad... I'm not depressed but I am confused. I am functioning and I'm trying to be as strong as I can be.... I know that my God will sustain me.... but I still question Matthew 11:28.

If anyone has anything to say about this, PLEASE leave a comment! I'm really starting to think I'm the only person alive in the blogosphere. I started blogging so that I could vent and hopefully help other people understand me... and it seemed like it worked for years but I dont even know when my last comment was.... Either way, I'll keep blogging.... this is the history of my life as well as an outlet.... but it would be so much nicer if I had feedback.... Just more rambling... don't think I'm mad at anyone :)

Ok, I really need to head to bed... hopefully now that I've spent a little time with God I'll be able to sleep.

Monday, October 30, 2006

??? - October 30th, 2006

I got a text message from my mom tonight that they had to put our dog to sleep. I've been emotionally struggling all night and I got the SMS and I just about burst into tears. I kind of expected that this was coming really soon since my sister had just told me a little bit ago that Chelsey was really sick.... I honestly had just hoped that I could make it up there this weekend to see her before they had to put her down.

Ive just been sitting at Taco Bell and this family was eating and it really got me in my heart. Having a family conversation and even just in watching them you could tell they had a genuine love for each other. I know absolutely nothing about these people but the father sure seems to be the ideal father... really interested in his daughters life and soft spoken but you can tell he leads his family. You just dont see that in this area too often.... actually, you dont see it anywhere much anymore.

I am so blessed to have grown up in the family I did. Words can not express how much I love my parents.... ok, they annoy me at times - but who doesnt? My parents really honestly love me. We all grew up on the poorer side of things... my dad being in his accident and put on disability in 1985.... but what my parents had they gave to me and my sisters.... the most important thing they gave us is their love.

So many things my parents did for us.... I remember while my dad was in rehab and the hospital after his wreck, he built a wooden rocking horse for my sisters and I. This is one of those things that chokes me up at times. And the time my sister really wanted something that was a hot seller... I cant remember what it was but I remember hearing about how he waited in line for the store to open and he ran back and grabbed the last one.... we all laughed about the thought of my dad running (those who dont know, he only has half of a knee and has a leg that is shorter - results of his wreck), but the thing was what he did for my sister.... my dad most likely was in pain after that... but my sister is what mattered. My mom is no different.... the big thing that I remember about my mom is finding out how she went without a lot of Christmases just so that she could buy more for my sisters and I.... When I hear the song "Christmas Shoes" by Newsong, my mom is who I think of.... I cry because I am reminded of how great my mom is.

I dont understand how so many people are blessed with great families and they dont appreciate them.... then there are those that have a horrible family life that wish they had a family to appreciate.

Ok... you have to love emails like this. So the deal is that PNC Bank is randomly picking days that you get double points when you use your check card. Ideally, you want to spend the most money on those days because you get more points for free stuff. So yesterday I got an email saying that Saturday was a mystery day! I payed my rent and such on that day so I was pretty excited. But then, apparently when the accountants got in today (of course its a monday) they must have realized that a lot of people spent money on that day so they had to immediately send out the following email:

Dear Robert Mertz,


The email sent on Sunday, October 29, 2006, was not correct. It stated that November 28 was a Mystery Bonus Day. This is incorrect. NOVEMBER 28 WILL NOT BE A MYSTERY BONUS DAY.

There have been three randomly selected Mystery Bonus Days thus far:

October 19
October 23
October 25

The Mystery Bonus Days promotion runs through December 31. Use your enrolled PNC Bank Visa(R) Check Card every day for qualified purchases* to make sure you earned double bonus points. You can track and redeem your points at www.pnc.com/extras or by calling 1-800-960-8472.

So if it was an error it apparently was a big one because I can't see a company making themselves look like asses unless it was to save a substantial amount of money.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

(23:23:46) jodi: i kind of don't know what gopher is
(23:23:51) jodi: i've heard of it
(23:23:55) jodi: i know it's old school
(23:23:59) jodi: but i don't know what it is
(23:28:03) bobkmertz: the old web
(23:28:12) bobkmertz: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gopher_protocol
(23:29:08) jodi: hrm, okay
(23:29:21) jodi: thanks :)
(23:30:38) bobkmertz: np
(23:30:45) bobkmertz: I actually started using the internet with gopher
(23:31:30) bobkmertz: then I found a big book called "The Internet Yellow Pages" and the web was soooooo much more user friendly
(23:31:38) bobkmertz: and then came WebCrawler and the web was great
(23:31:48) bobkmertz: and AOL saw webcrawler and saw that it was good
(23:32:11) bobkmertz: so AOL bought webcrawler on the 7th day so that the world could rest by not being able to have something functional
(23:32:45) jodi: heh
(23:33:14) bobkmertz: then Digital Equipment saw that the web sucked again and teamed up for AltaVista
(23:33:39) bobkmertz: many other companies created search engines which were good
(23:33:50) bobkmertz: Compaq buys DEC and AltaVista begins to sucketh
(23:34:04) bobkmertz: Lycos realizes that search engines are great and work so they buy them all
(23:34:18) bobkmertz: And in the end times, it is said that there will come something great that will bring peace
(23:34:23) bobkmertz: Google has now come
(23:34:25) bobkmertz: and there is peace

So Im at Fuddruckers and I ordered the biggest burger they had..... the next thing I know someone takes a bun and wraps it around a cow. I assure you they led a cow into the oven.

The moral of the story is that a 1lb burger is a big ass burger! :)

Oh, and I ate it all!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

At what point did I become so confused and lost? Was it when things got complicated or was it just simply when I started being "normal"?

Complacency is a seemingly safe place to be but mentally it's the worst. You know there is more but everything around you tells you its not where you should go. We have rules all around us and we are expected to follow them and if we don't everyone calls us crazy.

What happened to the Bob Mertz that decided he was going to work at Disney World and moved to Florida only a few months later? Where is the guy that started the 7th grade Bible club at Greensburg Salem Middle School? Where is he?

Maybe the reason I dont have direction in my life isnt because Im not focusing..... maybe its because I'm trying to focus like everyone around me does and I am missing out on the amazing things that God has planned for me because I lost the wild and free spirit that He gave me..... Maybe I am facing fear of not being normal and I'm backing down... scared... confused because I lost sight of what is important.

Where did anyone ever get by following the crowd? Maybe they made it to "the top" but what is the point being at the top.... If your at the top, all you get to do is look out over the land and see those who pressed on..... They are moving down that broken road and you watch them going into the sunset while you are still in the same town. You havent gained anything except the ability to see what you didnt take.

There was an incredible quote in the movie "Flicka"..... "Everyone writes a story in their mind that eventually becomes their life. If you don't write it and follow it, someone else will". I guess the question is whether you want to follow your heart or if your going to follow the rules and regulations that other people impose on you..... regulations that were designed without YOUR heart in mind. Do we want to follow what God gives us or do we want to pay more attention to our friends, siblings, parents, and every other human tells us?

Sometimes it's the wild and free spirit that makes us fall in love with someone.... and sometimes its our own wild and free spirit that makes us fall in love with life.

Here comes that rainy day feeling again.....

Well, not really... actually, while I dont feel quite right, Im not depressed or even down. I am, however, confused about the way that I feel.

Im missing Kim again... but there are huge differences between now and the past. Typically I became really depressed and saw no hope after a girl and I broke up. In those times, my life was over and when I felt like that, I was pushed to believe that whoever I just broke up with was actually the one for me and that perpetuated the "missing" her feeling. Previously, I blocked the idea that there was someone else out there. Its no secret to those who have known me for a while that I really handled things badly with regards to "loosing the girl."

So here I am now, more mature.... hahaha hardly.

Seriously tho... I really am missing Kim but its not in that obsessive jealous missing that I had before. I miss Kim because I respect and admire her. She is truly an incredible person and I miss the anticipation of getting an email or phone call from her every night.... because I genuinely wanted to hear what she had to say.

The biggest difference in all of this is my life is moving forward. I have (finally) been able to seperate what I want from what I need..... I mean.... I "needed" Tiff and I "needed" Kendra. I dont need Kim in my life.... I just want her to be in my life.

Sure I have to question why I am feeling these ways.... maybe it really is the first time someone truly loved me and/or the first time I truly loved someone? The only thing that is for certain is that I have a lot more learning to do. Until then, I will put Kim in the best place I know: In God's Hands

And now for the latest in bonehead moves coming out of hollywood.....

Viacom/Comedy Central sticks head up their ass

Does this kill YouTube? Nope! If it kills anyone, it's gonna be Comedy Central. When hollywood gets the gift of free advertising they expect to be paid for that advertising?

Just about the only thing that *AA and hollywood are good at is shooting themselves in the foot.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Ok... so I guess we all know the story of the trojan horse and all that. Basically, the trojan horse was used to get into the city, thus penetrating the security at the gate......

..... so what exactly does this mean for Trojan condoms?

Monday, October 23, 2006

Yeah I trust in You
I remember times You led me
This time it's bigger now
And I'm afraid You'll let me down

But how can I be certain?
Will You prove Yourself again?

'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
When I let go

What is this doubt in me
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along You've shown
Your plans are better than my own

And I know I won't make it
If I do this all alone

"Let Go" lyrics / Barlow Girl

Its official..... its flipping freezing!!!

I can understand God not wanting to bless me.... what I can't understand
is how He loves me. I'm such a mess -- screwing up all the time.

On Saturday when we were up in MD, we got to watch a hang glider launch. I recorded this on my iZone and Josh did some editing and mixing :)
This used to be my playground [used to be]
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need
Of a friend
Why did it have to end
And why do they always say

Don't look back
Keep your head held high
Don't ask them why
Because life is short
And before you know
You're feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don't hold on to the past
Well that's too much to ask

This used to be my playground [used to be]
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need
Of a friend
Why did it have to end
And why do they always say

No regrets
But I wish that you
Were here with me
Well then there's hope yet
I can see your face
In our secret place
You're not just a memory
Say goodbye to yesterday [the dream]
Those are words I'll never say [I'll never say]

This used to be my playground [used to be]
This used to be our pride and joy
This used to be the place we ran to
That no one in the world could dare destroy

This used to be our playground [used to be]
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
I wish you were standing here with me

"This Used to be My Playground" by Madonna

Sunday, October 22, 2006

So I went back up the mountain and God met me there.... It wasnt really what I expected tho because He really didnt tell me anything at all.... but I knew He was there, and thats what was important.

The longer people have known me, the more they start to think that I like change and that I can deal with change pretty easily... quite the opposite is true. I hate change... and it happens to me all the time. But, like my friend Steve said... change has always been good to him and I guess the same is true for me... I just really wish I could have something stable.... but, yes, I do have God... He is stable.... but thats it.... there is nothing else in my life that is stable.

I had a long talk with Steve tonight and I again have to thank God for him. When I talk to people, I'm never expecting answers.... and when someone tries to give an answer, I almost always wish they would just shut up.... I dont need answers from any human -- I just need encouragement... and trust. Steve didn't have any answers but he did tell me that he fully believed that I was asking the right questions... and those words meant more to me than anyone can even imagine. Just a little bit of confirmation that I'm not crazy.... no answers.... just confirmation. And yesterday when Josh and Elisa asked me to go up to maryland with them.... they'll never know how much of an impact that made on me... again, they didnt have answers... they just had friendship... thats something that a lot of people dont share with me often.

I'm getting more of a direction in my life, I suppose... I dont really know what that means but I guess that things are starting to look like I may have an idea of where I want to be and where God wants me to be... of course, God will probably change that another 5 or 6 times.... THIS YEAR.... but hey, its ok :) He is God... I'm clueless and thats the best way for me to be. I have a really bad habit of getting in the way.

There is one thing that is just really confusing me tho.... First, I will openly admit that I have a hard time with thinking girls are worth more than they really are in my life... But here is the thing.... coming down off the mountain, I knew God was with me.... the thing is, the only thing on my mind was how much I love Kim... and additionally, how much I screwed that whole thing up.... There was really an outpouring of God's Spirit and reassurance that He is a God of second chances... and I know that He is working on making me a better person in the areas that I have failed on... I have no clue what this means about me and Kim... Man, I'm more clueless than I have ever been.... but why was she on my mind.... I just don't get it... God has forgiven me and Kim but its time for both of us to take steps towards something... dont ask me what those steps are because I dont even know what the something is. Whatever God wants in that situation is what I'll do my best at letting happen... I have really awkward emotions with that entire thing.... I dont understand them at all... but, I guess thats a good thing, as usual... If I knew God wanted me and Kim together or I knew that He wants us far apart, I would just get in the way... so it's better that I dont know because it's better that I *DONT* work toward something in that paticular situation.... I just need to follow God's lead, step by step... and I really need to pray for her and her parents... mainly that her parents will forgive me. I guess it does feel good that Steve specifically said I am even asking the right questions in this situation as well... it really helps... sometimes I do really start thinking I'm crazy.... OK, YES... I am crazy... but you know what I mean :)

My life is never dull, I suppose.... And I guess that this will be an interesting few weeks... year... ok, I'm sure the rest of my life will continue to be interesting... deal with it! :P

In other news, today is the first day in YEARS that I am physically worn out... this is a good thing. I did ALOT of hiking today... well, alot of hiking for me. Boy was the view worth it... and actually, even talking to people that were up in the mountains as well... It was all just a phenomenal thing... I really feel good... as in, REALLY good.... I'm confused, yes... but you dont really have to know whats going on to know that things are ok.

Peace be with everyone! God Bless!

Man I need to change things.... and some of those things are not what I would have expected.

After church, I usually help tear down.... today God really pressed on my heart that I needed to go straight to Target, buy some things, and head up the mountain. I asked Mike and he somewhat pushed back... he said maybe if I could even give 10 mins.... I was really struggling... I went and asked Carl and he asked what was up and he said go for it.... I walked to my car with tears in my eyes.... I wanted to go back and help.... they need help and I felt like I was letting them down.

My desire isnt a problem.... the problem is that I struggle to say no... I give so much that to so many people something seems like something small but its more than I can sometimes take.... not that helping tear down is bad.... but arguing with God as to why I should help is... well, kinda backwards... but still wrong.

I stopped to grab some drinks and Im on my way up the mountain. In some ways I feel like Im driving to the hospital for surgery... Im kind of scared... I dont know what to expect.... but I just pray that I come back to VA a new person.

God and I can do this.... not me by myself.

Just a picture of me up at the one outlook point in Maryland from yesterday. I'm leaving for church shortly and I think after church I'm going to head back up there... still planning on it.... Hopefully I follow through.
FBI Pairs with Website Violating Law

You just gotta laugh, right?
So here is the deal... I've really seriously got to make some changes in my life... like really seriously. I keep saying how people here in NoVA simply do not live life but just go on as slaves to becomming a better person... Ok, I dont have the same goals as them (thankfully), however, I'm just as bad as them because I am not living life either... I'm a slave to the work that I do and this just can not keep going on.

I don't know what direction I need to take... I'm clueless... but then again, what else is new?

Today was an absolutely awesome day! Josh an Elisa invited me to go with them up to some state parks in MD... somewhere around Thurmont, MD. It was absolutely incredible. I did some very very minor "rock climbing" but it was just enough to remind me of how great the outdoors are -- how great the things that God has given us are. I realized that I seriously need to get more of that type of thing in my life. I realized that most of the things that I'm involved in just simply are consuming my life.

I also learned something else today... well, actually, it was more of a re-realization. No one out there really understands me... It seems that everyone has this image of me that I am a computer geek and thats about all that I can enjoy... The truth is that no one has ever taken the time to really find out the things that I enjoy other than that. Sure, I talk about computers alot but not everything I say is computer related.... The thing is, I love being outside more than anyone realizes... I love rock climbing, off roading, spelunking, hiking, etc, etc, etc.... I could spend hours and hours just bouncing around on a pile of rocks and enjoying the surroundings.... The thing is, no one ever would have thought that of me. No one ever thinks to ask....

The hard thing for me is to actually just get myself out and do things by myself. I'm really a social person... yea, no one realizes that either! No one realizes that I need to be around people and that I need to talk... people think that I'm a geek so it's best for everyone if you just leave me alone... or maybe they just dont want to listen to me? I dont know... but whatever it is, it's extremely hard for me to do stuff by myself. I've adapted to going to see movies alone... pretty much every week I go see a movie by myself... simply because of the lack of anything else to do and the lack of anyone to go see a movie with. But what good is that other than the ability to relax for an hour or two?

One of the greatest parts about today was that I ended up in a conversation with a few girls that were up on the outlook that we were at. Ok, yea, sure... they were cute... but that wasnt really it... Being able to have a conversation with a complete stranger is just one of the coolest things in the world...

I want to impact the world -- how am I doing that by being alone all the time. I really seriously wish that there was someone that would really want to constantly be involved in some of these things with me... not just the one-time things... but an ongoing thing... I guess thats why I crave having that special girl in my life... But I guess the reality of the situation is that I am alone in this... and I somehow have to just do it.... It sucks, but I have no other choice.

So if all goes according to plan, after church tomorrow, I am heading back up to Thurmont, MD and just going to do my own thing.... I hate to have to do it alone but I somehow have just got to force myself....

Somehow, someway.... I've got to change things.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Verse 1:

Time after time you’ve been left behind
like the sun when it’s starting to rain
Time after time you’ve been forgotten
like a picture that’s faded with age
Time after time you ran after me
when I was still running away


You never give up on me
No, You never give up on me
Though I’m weak you are strong
You told me I still belong
No, you never, never give up on me
...on me No,you never, never give up on me

Verse 2:

Time after time I’ve used your grace
as a way to do what I please
I’ve taken for granted prayers that you answered
never been all I could be
You are holding out your hands
and now I clearly see


You always erase all my mistakes
You lift me up when I am down
Through all the ages, Your love never changes
You welcome me just as I am

"Never Give Up on Me" lyrics / Josh Bates

What do you do when God puts together an entire movie that is showing in your area..... just for you? How do you respond to it? How do you deal with the fact that you ever doubted Him? Tell me how..... because it just happened and Im .... oh God.... I just dont know.

Friday, October 20, 2006

So I'm at least a little more relaxed now....

There is so much on my mind and I just dont know how to make sense of any of it. They say that everyone is always searching for their place in life.... to me, it seems like alot of people find it. So many people that have their family and they have their job and things are stable.... then there's me.... I'm always searching for my place but the more time that goes on, I begin to think that the reality is that I just dont have a place. I mean... I think I find my place and then it changes. I start to wonder if my problem is that I'm looking for a permanent place but God doesnt have one for me.

Things are always changing with me. I meet a great girl and things are well for a while and then it all turns to crap. I find a job and I get comfortable... and then something else comes along. I know the whole thing about getting pushed out of your comfort zone to make you better and stuff... the thing is, I'm getting older. No, I'm not old.... but I'm getting older.... I want to be able to have a family... I want to be able to support a family... have time for a family.... all that fun stuff. I just can't keep doing what I've been doing.... I just dont know how to resolve this...

I'm always hearing from people that I'm an amazing person but in reality, I'm starting to think that I'm an amazing person to most of the people that say that only because I help them extensively and for free. I don't mind helping people... actually, I really enjoy it but sometimes I just dont seem to be respected. Like, you ask me for advice and then you argue that I'm wrong... so why ask? Or I guess the more common thing is that people look at some of the things that I accomplish and they form in their mind that I'm made of steel or something. The reality is that I am quite the opposite. More days than most I'm barely able to function... I just put that aside and keep pressing on anyway. No one out there knows what goes through my head every day I wake up and every night I go to bed. The question I ask is whether they dont know because they just dont know or if its because they really dont care.

There are quite a few reasons why I have a blog.... One great thing is that it is history to me... and I also hope that it ministers to someone somewhere... sometime. I guess one fundamental reason I have it is the exact reason why I started it in the first place... quite simply because I have no one to vent to. My blog serves alot of purposes but one thing it is quite frequently is a medium for me to think out loud because there just isnt anyone around to listen. And when I say listen to, I dont mean someone to chat with or even talk on the phone with... I mean that there is just no one around me that is really passionate about helping me with -- well, anything.

I so often try to figure out what my purpose is... if I even have one. I know one thing that is pretty much a fact... if it wasnt for New Life, I dont think I'd have much of a reason to live at all. I do question alot what would happen if I was killed in a car wreck or something. I know my family would be upset because thats what is normal... and thats not to take away from the fact that they truly do love me... but outside of New Life, no one would really miss me being around. Sure, many might be saddened that I was killed but it wouldnt be a life-altering thing. And in the crazy scenario that that did happen, I know that God would provide for New Life but I do know that they are really the only group of people that would have to struggle and really miss me..... That gives me a purpose... and it does give me alot of people around me.... but yet, at the same time, it still doesnt give me that closeness of that true strong friendship that I am continually searching for.

Sometimes I wonder, too, if this is all just my head... I mean, I am ADHD and have some depression at times... so is all of this something that I'm just making up in my head? Am I really screwing so much up around me and not realizing it? Is it really me that is pushing these girls away and really screwing relationships up? I just constantly question these things.... People seem to make it out that this is the case... maybe it is? Maybe I'm just extremely different than everyone else.... I'm starting to wonder if anything else is true... I mean, when you have people saying that they cant believe all the stuff that has happened to me.... I dunno... you kind of start thinking that it has to be you.... which is what I struggle with alot.... everytime something goes wrong I have to question what *I* did wrong.... so in that am I just searching for something I did wrong too hard... or am I really a complete screw up and not worth the skin that I am in? I just don't know anymore.

There has been so much on me recently... and, again, huge changes may be coming down the line for me.... I just pray that I make it through all of this yet again.
I cant do it.... I can't keep going on...... Everyone needs something and I'm trying the best that I can but I'm only one freaking person.... its not like anyone is around to help ME ever...... I'm just expected to help everyone when it's convient for them.....


Thursday, October 19, 2006

Back in the BBS days we (sysops) had a saying: "You called this BBS. It didnt call you"

I guess the same is true with my blog.... This is who I am and Im going to be brutally honest on here because its what Im about. If you dont like it, dont come here.

I have flaws... I have alot of them. The brutal truth there is Im about as worthless as can be.... I have the worst struggle keeping my eyes on God and I sink so so many times just like Peter when he was walking on water. I screw up daily; no, I screw up hourly..... multiple times an hour. I am a slave in this carnal body.... I wish I wasnt human but the fact remains that I am.

I have alot going through my mind right now. That may mean a long blog later... but it might not as well. Aside from the mental processes going on, Im really feeling physically sick. I think I pushed myself a little to far in all that I was doing... about a half hour ago I thought I was going to pass out.... so that may lead me straight to bed when I get home and prevent me from blogging.

Holy crap! I've just been googling about my birthday and found this.... man, this is like so on target it's scary!

Your birth tree is: Chestnut Tree, the Honesty

Of unusual beauty, does not want to impress, well-developed sense of justice, vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritable and sensitive in company, often due to a lack of self-confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not understood, loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner.

Birthday Calculator
We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned

But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

"Standing Outside the Fire" by Garth Brooks
LXer: Linux News Urges Action on Net Neutrality

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

DRM 'manages access' in the same way that jail 'manages freedom.'

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Retrevo Search

I always remember that (before lycos bought) hotbot was always the search engine you went to if you were looking for drivers. It lived up to that reputation through webcrawler days, through yahoo days, and even altavista days. Unfortunately, when it was merged with lycos, it lost it's edge. For whatever reason, you could put a part number or a board number into that search engine and you'd end up with relevant information for the actual product you were looking for. If you werent looking for information on a PCI card or some other device, you didnt go anywhere near HotBot.

For the first time since the advent of Google, there is a company that is actually doing something for search that Google does not already do. Check out Retrevo if your looking for information pertaining to a consumer electronics device. It focuses on only those items and works very hard at keeping sites from getting their ads for that product to you -- it gives you the product information and reviews that you are looking for, and only that.

This by no means replaces Google in anyway. If you're looking for anything else on the web, Google is where you want to be. But it's nice to have a focused search for one category of items, such as consumer electronics.
All I really want is someone that just wants to really, truly, be my friend.... To me, a true friendship means both good and bad things.... a true friendship is about honesty... a true friendship isnt about defending why your right.... its about sharing life together.

I'm not perfect... I'm as guilty as this as anyone. But it's so hard to have everyone else think they know whats best and think they know what you feel... I guess its human nature to believe that we know it all but I wish we could all understand that we dont and that the best thing to do is not to defend why we are right but to be sorry that we hurt someone.

You know, the thing with Kim.... Its not about whether I did or didnt do something to upset Kim's parents... it's about being sorry that they were hurt and they felt the way that they did.... its not about trying to defend anything but trying to explain to them that I am really sorry that *I* hurt them. See, its not about saying that I'm sorry that what was done that hurt them because all your telling them is that you fully believe what happened was right and that its a shame that they dont believe the same way you do. When you tell someone that your sorry that what happened or what was done hurt them, there is no act of taking any responsibility. But saying that your sorry that you hurt them is really taking that responsibility -- and of course it's a lot harder because you are admitting that you were wrong. Maybe someone doesnt believe the same way you do but that doesnt mean that they arent hurt... You dont need to say that you believe that you were completely wrong but you need to take responsibility for what happened... The same way that the other person may just as well have their own things that they need to take responsibility for.

The hardest thing for me to understand is why, as humans, we are such intelligent beings, but none of us can figure out when we just keep digging a bigger and bigger hole. I've done it alot... and I've experienced it alot.... Most people who have been reading my blog know that I had about 3 years of pain because of someone digging a deeper and deeper hole.... her digging that hole wasnt my problem but my problem was that it took me 3 years to realize that I was standing on the ground she was digging away at.
Blah.... sometimes people might be happy about good news even if it's not good for them. You know, the only reason why I know Kim loved(s) me is because she is the only girl in history that ever cared enough to hurt me with the brutal truth....

So many people think that if they candy coat cyanide, its not going to kill someone in the long run.... *sigh*
"It takes forever [to transfer music wirelessly on Zune]. By the time you've gone through all that, the girl's got up and left."
-- Steve Jobs (Newsweek Interview)
PC World's Techlog A Brief History of Computers, As Seen in Old TV Ads

Monday, October 16, 2006

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled

A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems

Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me

Hear me asking
Where do I belong?
Is there a vision
That I can call my own?

Show me, I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Lookin' for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Lookin' for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world

"Place in this World" by Michael W. Smith
What is up with Yahoo?

Today was the third time in the past week that I was told by someone that they didnt get my email.... all 3 used Yahoo Mail.

It also is apparent that Yahoo has been blocking YouTube URLs in their messenger network.... this and other things lead to the fear that yahoo is becoming a place of censorship.

Oh... and who isnt questioning that Yahoo is a source of spyware

I used to love Yahoo but they have certainly fallen to the same problem many other companies fall to... they arent making money so they feel the only option is to do stuff that is shady to make money. I'm certainly glad I left yahoo mail a LONG time ago... and while I still use the yahoo messenger network, I do not rely on the yahoo client.

Quite honestly... yahoo is becomming a scary scary place!

I've recently been getting really hooked on YouTube. (For the record, I am happy regarding Google buying YouTube) There is alot of interesting content in this Web 2.0 movement (aka Social Networking) and it's really fun and entertaining to absorb it.... but even more so, I think absorbing this world around us is an important part of us maturing and developing. There are a few key people on YouTube that really make me think. Most of all is the guy who's video I posted above. You can check him out at his profile: boh3m3. A few other people that really make me think: renetto, geriatric1927, etc.

It's so important to look through to the content of what is being said rather than the method of delivery. For instance, if you watch boh3m3's videos you will hear a lot of swearing.... this is because it's his style and it doesnt mean that what he has to say is any less important. These are things that shouldnt have to be said but in my life God has positioned me in between the Christians and Non-Christians it seems. The most important thing for me to encourage people to do is to help them ignore someone's status of religion and just listen to what their heart says. It doesn't matter what religion you are, what gender, what orientation, what family background, what culture, what nationality, etc, etc..... It only matters what is in your heart.

I'm starting to think that in the near future you might start seeing me do some video blogging on YouTube. If I do, it'll mostly be just my thoughts of things around me and not so much my life such as this blog is. Then again, who knows.... just a few weeks ago I had no intentions of even putting any videos on YouTube.... things change.... and most of the time, those changes produce a better life in the future.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

** waves Terrible Towel around **

When your going to win, you might as well do it right! GO STEELERS!

Im hurting..... bad.
Im an emotional wreck... I dont know what I feel... Im confused where Im at or even where I am supposed to be. Im scared.... i dont understand how I should feel.... I know my sins but what if I dont feel something is a sin that others condem me for.... why do I always lose? Where is that special girl.... what did I do to chase her away? What keeps her away? what do i need to do? How can I be free? How can I even just figure out how I feel and why I feel that way? What do I do? What can I do?

So Im starting my trek back to the land of the greed and home of the slave...

honestly, i do love NoVA and I do call it home.... sometimes I worry that I may become the way NoVA is as opposed to the community that Pittsburgh is. I miss having people take turns in merging traffic.... or waiting in line to buy something and talking to the stranger your standing next to.

I got to see Eli today. That little boy means more to me than anyone can even imagine. I know its not something that would happen but if I had the chance to adopt him, there wouldnt even be a need to think about it. I would do it in a heartbeat.

I have my dreams.... many may be far fetched but I can still dream, right? In a perfect world I would live in Front Royal, VA or surrounding area and Kim and I would be married.... we'd adopt Eli...... Id be on full time staff at New Life and be in the position to come up with creative ways to use technology for God. I would also be a contractor for MFC and surrounding companies so that I wouldnt be a financial burden on New Life. Most importantly I would be the best husband to Kim and we would be the best parents to our kids.... and we would have a Godly family.

Of course these are the dreams of a carnal man and there are very good reasons that God will not let some of them come true. But I am sure some will... I just have to trust Him and see what happens. I really dont like being single.... but God has His reasons and Im trying to trust Him.

Friday, October 13, 2006

So I've gone from missing someone..... to missing someone!
Honestly tho, there is something to be said about missing to someone who actually is worth missing. I'd much rather not have to miss anyone but if I have to, I'm glad that it's Kim that is on my mind.

I am feeling alot better than I was during my last post. There has been alot going on and it's really hard to be doing it without anyone by my side... but it's making to stronger and I know God is going to get me to where He wants me to be..... and that includes being with the one who is for me.....

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Once in my life I really believed that I was going to do some really great things in my life. I saw myself having a wife to support and to support me.... someone who believed in me.... actually, I saw myself being a person that people could believe in generally. I saw myself not being rich by a long shot but being able to pay the bills and having what mattered most: friendships. I saw alot of things in my future.... Most of those things I felt would be blessings in my life.....

But here I am... as lonely as ever. I lack real friendships. I dont have a single person that I could call to go do something. Actually, the highlight of my week is going to see a movie all alone.... and thats hard when you see so many couples so happy together and your sitting there alone.

I really am starting to wonder what it is that I am really worth. I mean, I know that I'm good for fixing your computer but is there anything more than that? What makes me different than the 16 year old keep working for Geek Squad? Honestly, I dont think there is anything.

What is my place in this life? What is wrong with me that pushes people away from me? Why when I find a friend that I really can connect with, I lose them shortly after. And why is it that no one will tell me what it is they hate about me? I guess its just easier to let me fall out of their lives than to tell me what it is that so horrible about me.

Im not perfect and Im not about to tell anyone that I am.... I just wish I was good enough that someone thought I was someone special and someone worth fighting for......

.... but, Im not......

Making sure you don't get your rebate is granted a patent!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Wow.... this is the first time ive crossed the mason-dixon line in something like 2 months.... the only sad thing is this trip doesnt involve seeing eli since im going to central PA and not Pittsburgh..... I am looking forward to this CPLUG meeting tho.

Hopefully soon I will see Eli tho..... like real soon!

Laying in bed but sleep just isnt coming easy for me. I dont know where my place is anymore... and I feel like there is something about me that people just cant tolerate me for more than a pre set amount of time. I do feel like I do help people alot but I guess that I can only be tolerated while I am being helpful.... if things get tough, you have to run from me because while there are alot of people who were (or are) worth fighting for, I simply am not worth fighting for. There are people that have encouraged me but when the point comes as sacrifice is needed, no one is willing to do it.....

I just dont know if I am really worth anything to many people.... if any. Maybe its just because of all the emotional hell people have put me through the last 10 years of my life. I can not tell you how many times people have told me that I am an awesome person yet they gave up on me..... or how many people told me they would never leave me but yet they are nowhere to be found.

I dont know why these are the words I am saying.... this isnt really anyything I was feeling today.... but these are the things I feel now. I just really wish I was worth enough that people might want to fight for me.... or better yet, fight together with me. Maybe people take me for granted because Ill do so much at first that they automatically think that I will be able to continue without any support? Whatever the reason, it sucks.

Typing on this cell phone is getting old and i really need to somehow fall asleep.... tho I dont know why since I dont really have anything to look forward to tomorrow.... or next week.... or next month..... or...... *sigh*

Monday, October 09, 2006

Google buys YouTube

Thank God! The last thing I wanted is for a piece of crap company such as NewsCorp to buy this thing. I'm frustrated enough waiting for myspace pages to load and getting errors all over the place. Now I can know that at least YouTube is in good hands.
Argh! Why am I so irritated with everything today? This just is not normal for me.... I mean, I do feel this way from time to time and probably a little more often than "normal" people.... but this is extended for some reason.
This missing people thing is really getting annoying......

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Another sad game... but they are still my team. Quite honestly, it is impressive that ben is even playing but i do really wish they wouldnt put all of their eggs in one basket.

Its still early in the season - we'll see what happens i suppose


Note to self: after motorcycle accident, dont play for the nfl

Just in case anyone thought that AOL doesnt still have a market, here is a good reminder:

2:34:13 PM im18fromva: hey whats up
2:34:30 PM bblboy54: hi
2:35:30 PM im18fromva: you got a pic i dont remember what you look like
2:35:49 PM bblboy54: do you have myspace?
2:36:07 PM im18fromva: yeah
2:36:14 PM bblboy54: http://www.myspace.com/bblboy54
2:38:06 PM bblboy54: whats yours?
2:39:13 PM im18fromva: i know you you live in green ligh right
2:39:35 PM bblboy54: huh?
2:40:02 PM im18fromva: n/m
2:40:10 PM bblboy54: whats your myspace link?
2:40:49 PM im18fromva: brb
2:40:54 PM bblboy54: wtf
2:41:28 PM im18fromva: i got to get it
2:41:31 PM im18fromva: damn
2:41:32 PM bblboy54: ok
2:43:40 PM im18fromva: n/m your ugly
2:44:23 PM bblboy54: wow.... your intelligent
2:45:01 PM bblboy54: what can I expect from an AOL user
2:45:33 PM im18fromva: lol vary funny but im rich
2:45:36 PM im18fromva: your not
2:48:36 PM im18fromva: and your to poor for me to talk to you
2:49:31 PM bblboy54: am I concerned?
2:49:48 PM bblboy54: do you think that I'm hurt because some 18 year old from virginia won't talk to me?
2:50:15 PM im18fromva: sweetie im to rich to talk to you
2:50:29 PM bblboy54: then I'm curious as to why you are still talking to me
2:50:51 PM im18fromva: cause you wont stop iming me
2:51:02 PM bblboy54: haha
2:51:27 PM bblboy54: obviously money doesnt buy intelligence because it'd be pretty easy for you to stop IM'ing me
2:51:43 PM bblboy54: but in all honesty
2:51:53 PM bblboy54: you're probably very intelligent....
2:51:56 PM im18fromva: stop iming me
2:52:07 PM im18fromva: i am
2:52:10 PM bblboy54: hey, you started the conversation
2:52:41 PM im18fromva: thats b4 i knew you was ugly
2:52:50 PM bblboy54: LMAO
2:53:01 PM im18fromva: you r
2:53:31 PM bblboy54: failed english?
2:54:24 PM bblboy54: im not out to make you feel bad because I'm just not about that
2:54:28 PM bblboy54: and I'm sorry that you are
2:54:43 PM bblboy54: but you're foolish to think that your the only one without faults
2:55:07 PM im18fromva: no
2:55:20 PM im18fromva: how old r you
2:55:25 PM bblboy54: 26
2:56:15 PM im18fromva: and you still act like a kid the bad
2:56:48 PM bblboy54: too funny
2:56:55 PM bblboy54: but its ok
2:57:02 PM bblboy54: I've had my fun for the day.... thanks :)
im18fromva blocked by bblboy54 (2:57:34 PM)
Dont take a picture of your shampoo

I really am starting to wonder whether lawyers are just bored or they are just that clueless. Actually, I think the more likely explanation is that the RIAA is becoming a horrible influence on industry all over the place. Many people whine and cry about violence in video games being a horrible influence.... But while we are complaining about fantasy influencing reality, we're missing the point that reality is influencing reality.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

One of my favorite TV shows is, by far, The Golden Girls. The mix of very sarcastic humor with some underlaying deep thoughts makes it great. Most shows I watch and just laugh the whole way through.... the one I just got done watching was the opposite. Every now and then there is a show that just really leaves you thinking... and sometimes crying. This show ended with Sophia losing a very close friend of hers. She sat on the boardwalk with him all the time but he had alzheimers and his family was forced to send him to a relative in New York because they were not able to afford the care anymore.

The last few days have really left me thinking about things. I keep wondering why it is that I'm still alone... and I just want to cry and get frustrated that those who mean so much to me are not in my life anymore. I try my best to think positively about the future... maybe someone I know will turn into something more... maybe I'll find that great girl and it will be something magical like when Kim and I met. The thing that is so hard for me to accept is that sometimes people have to leave our lives and that what matters is how we remember those people. Just like Sophia chose to remember Alvin sitting on the bench in the boardwalk, it's up to chose how we remember the people that have left our lives, regardless of how or why they left.

There are alot of people that I wish were in my life now. People that I still greatly miss. I remember my great grandfather.... I remember him driving his little white honda civic and bowling. He was an incredible person. I remember my grandfather as well. While he wasn't like by many people he still was my grandfather and I often run across something that I wish he was alive to help me with.... He was like that -- always helping me. It didnt matter what everyone else saw in him -- thats the way I remember him. I remember Tiff in many different ways... some of those are very painful and some are just the opposite.... I remember Kendra and the time that she told me she wanted to marry me and how she was such an incredible person towards me.... it ended badly but I choose to remember the times where she was one of the greatest people. I remember Amber.... yea, first love.... never would have worked but I remember the good times. And Kim... Kim is the person that I just simply can't forget about. Maybe it's because I didnt know her long but its really hard to think of anything that bugged me about her. It brings tears to my eyes thinking of when I pulled into her driveway and we both hugged each other there in front of her house.... how there was something so magical.... I remember watching Murder by Death with her and in mid-kiss hearing "2 2 Twain" and both of us just laughed.... laughter was a big part of what we had... it's something we shared very deeply.... and I guess it is a good example of the mission that eHarmony has because that was a relationship that was definately matched on different grounds than most. But thats how I remember Kim... I remember her laughing... and smiling.....

I long so badly to have someone laughing and smiling at me... someone that I can make happy and they can make me happy... someone who is always there.... even if they are far away, just knowing that they are there and they do love you and always will.... I guess it's the memory of those people that were in my life that give me the hope of something coming.

I can't understand all of these feelings. I can't understand why it is that I am still single and that makes it hard because I often want to blame myself for something.... mainly because thats the easiest thing. I'm sure there are things I need to fix... but why am I still alone? People keep telling me that I am a great person and that anyone would be lucky to have me but why do they tell me that? Is it just because they don't know me or is it because it's easier to tell me something positive than to have to tell me something negative? I guess I'm not the tickle me elmo doll or the furby that everyone is fighting over.... and I can the positive spin to this is that thats not who I want to be. I'm the little stuffed dog back in the corner of the toy store... just sitting there and hoping that some kid is going to come along and want to buy me. If I was put in the front of the toy store, I probably would just be laughed at because no one sees a stuffed dog as being any fun... they want something flashy and complicated..... So the only thing I can do is to just sit there at the back of the store and hope.... shed a few tears in the mean time.... but at least I can look out into the whole store and watch people smile.... there is some hope to be had in that.... It makes me smile to see others smile... I just need to learn to be content being that lonely stuffed dog.

I don't really know if anyone understands when I'm in emotional pain.... and the last thing I want is for someone to tell me that they do. There is something missing from my life.... and the last thing I want is for someone to get religious on me and tell me that I need to fill the void with God and all of that stuff.... I know I need to continually work on my relationship with God.... but in Genesis, God created Eve because "it is not good for man to be alone" .. God knows us... God knows me... we need that special person in our lives -- its the way He created us. It's hard for me to understand why He hasnt provided that in my life but sometimes we're not supposed to understand. Most of the time it's because it's something that we aren't able to understand.

I'm trying to remember that God cares... I know that He does and that He always will... For now, all I can do is be that lonely stuffed puppy in the back of the store and just watch all the kids out there smiling.... It may be hard seeing everyone happy but it does ultimately feel good to see people that are happy and it does give a little bit of hope that someday soon, that will be me.
2006-10-07 02:10:33.946 Chicken of the VNC[1916] Automatically reconnecting to server. The connection was closed because: "The server closed the connection".

This is one of the better error messages I've seen in a while! :)

Friday, October 06, 2006

I dont understand some of the small restraunt owners around here.... especially in the mall food court. We live in a world where everything is electronic so why is it that people are trying to make it a pain to purchase products without cash? There was always the debate about using credit cards because of that first word: credit..... but now we have debit cards and I know I am not alone by never having cash on me.

So I understand that a business owner gets charged for a transaction but is the cost of that transaction worth losing business over? I really wonder if they realize how much business they dont get. Sure you might spend $20 per day in credit card transactions but is that a bad thing if it brought you an extra $50 for the day's sales? Some businesses have learned this and they install a credit card machine - but dont expect to pay by credit card if your buying something small. Are you serious? Considering that many people in the mall often want to buy just a drink to have while they walk around so you just lost that business... add to that the fact that a $1.50 pop (soda) cost the business less than 10 cents and you realize just how stupid the business owner is..... And on that thought about pop.... what in the world is the deal with not having free refills? In that pop that someone bought that cost the business 8 cents, only 1 or 2 cents of that was the actual beverage! Its another thing I wonder if they realize the business they lose. When I go to the mall and get food, I always buy my drink at Chick-Fil-A.... Im not going to spend almost $2 for a drink and then another 50 cents to get something that is worth one cent.

So that is my rant for now..... :)


Dear Mr. Mertz:

Thank you for contacting General Mills regarding the availability of caramel Bugles. Unfortunately, we have never manufactured a caramel flavored Bugles. However, we do manufacturer a sweet and salty Chex caramel crunch snack mix.
It was just another story printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger's football score
It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age
They found him face down on the bedroom floor
They found him face down on his bedroom floor

There'll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home
Then out on Mooresville highway, they'll lay him 'neath a stone...

How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know

Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun?
Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol?
Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son?
Did no one see the writing on the wall?

I'm not blamin' anybody, we all do the best we can
I know hindsight's 20/20, but I still don't understand...

How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know

It was just another story printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger's football score...

"How Do You Get That Lonely" by Blaine Larsen

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

(me) at least you have Eli tho
(me) he's in my heart..... but I wish I could spend mre time with him

(patti) well Tanya work nights now so she brings him over at night and picks him up in the morning
(patti) well trust me he will never forget about you because he loves you
to no end

(me) I love him too

(patti) he saw a robot on tv one day and I said wow that a cool robot and he said not as cool as bobbys

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Just a heads up to anyone who wants to reach me.... I just changed the host that all of my domains are running on (with the exception of blog.bibleboy.org) so for the next few hours there is a chance that you may get bounced email when trying to send me a message.... if this is the case you can email me at my newlife address or just wait a few hours and try again.

Now this is something that is really awesome! I really hope to see this project go somewhere. Having an operating system that installs Biblical and family-based software as part of the distribution can be really helpful.
For the past few weeks I have been enjoying the wholsome goodness of Sweet and Salty Caramel Bugles. Initially I had the "ewww" thought but I bought a back... The only downfall to me purchasing this bag was the almost instant crack-like addiction that I developed. Last night I faced a horrible fear as I bought the last bag that the Shell station here had and that I could not find any more in this area. This evening, I nearly fainted when I walked into said Shell and the rack that my Caramel Bugles were on now housed Salsa Bugles.... The thought of never being able to enjoy that amazing flavor that I had experienced, I had considered doing the worst! I immediately emailed General Mills and asked them where I could find these snacks. Just now my friend Jodi has given me some comfort in the finding of this link:

Sweet & Salty Caramel Bugles

It appears that it was announced less than 24 hours ago that General Mills is introducing these snacks.... The only thing I can hope is that I had experienced the beta testing of these wonderful wonderful snacks and that the world is now about to experience them as well!

If you see these on the shelves of your local conveince or grocery store, buy many of them... MANY of them... if you dont like them then please let me know and I will provide you with my shipping address so that I can assist in this matter.

Monday, October 02, 2006

One of the hardest things to deal with is the feeling of missing someone :(

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Why in the crap can newscorp or whoever the heck owns myspace now actually put some money into making their servers WORK. You would think that a product that is sweeping the nation would be a concern of the company that owns it.... apparently not.
Thank God for Sunday!

Actually, yesterday was pretty relaxing for me.... and from what I understand, the canadians have internet again (unless you know the technical things that were going on, don't try to figure out what that means).

There really are not any words to describe the hell that I went through this past week. It just seemed that everything was on me all at once and its not pinpointed to work or new life, etc.... it was just everything from every aspect of my life. Actually, if you know me, you'll note that I didnt blog since Thursday -- which is an enternity for me.

Anyway, church is today! I'm so looking forward to it. I know I'll be in the data center for at least a bit today but I'm hoping it won't be too long.