Monday, May 30, 2005

Pullin’ out my big black book
Cause when I need a word defined that’s where I look
So I move to the l’s quick, fast, in a hurry
Threw on my specs, thought my vision was blurry
I looked again but to my dismay
It was black and white with no room for grey
Ya see, a big v stood beyond my word
And yo that’s when it hit me, that luv is a verb

Words come easy but don’t mean much
When the words they’re sayin’ we can’t put trust in
We’re talkin’ ’bout love in a different light
And if we all learn to love it would be just right


Why do so many people think they can just say the word love and have it mean so much to someone? Or worse yet... some people only want to hear it and dont want someone to really love them.... maybe its fear... I just dont know or understand.... Love really is a verb.... its more than just words.... its the actions behind words that make them truth.... if you say one thing and do they other, which would you believe? The actions, of course.... if you say you love someone and that you will always be there for them but there is no actions behind that..... you don't display that... or anything.... basically if there is no ACTION behind the WORD, then the word is invalid.

Love is a verb.... it means you must do something to love.... You cant just say it... you cant just hope that your words are going to be enough..... You have to have actions behind the words you say or your words mean nothing.
Well it's memorial day.... a day that everyone gets together with family and has a picnic.... mmm those hamburgers........


I guess that I could run to Target and get some hamburgers and throw them on the George Foreman grill Tiff got me for my birthday..... then me and my fish can have a picnic I guess.....

..... someday this will all be different, right? Someday I'll have someone to spend time with? Even if it's next week, it's too far away.

Happy Memorial Day anyway! I hope those of you that get to spend time with your families enjoy that time and realize how special it is.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Not doing well at all tonight.... starting to make myself sick I think..... Im really spiraling out of control tonight so before I do something stupid Im taking xanax and heading to bed...... I dont know what I could use more.... the extra sleep or the fact that I'll be unconscious to this cruel world.... :(

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Friday, May 27, 2005

I have to say that after my talk last night with Carpathia's CEO I feel alot better.... My debate is still ongoing tho..... Money is an issue... its a big issue.... but then again.... God always provides...... I could go to the other place and love it...... or I could hate it..... and in that instance, im really screwed..... I know that God wants you to enjoy your labor.... and I really enjoy Carpathia..... so maybe I do need to just sit on it... put it in my head that a really huge company wanted to hire me and just sit it out. I was gaurenteed more money in December.... but almost gaurenteed more money alot sooner than that... The CEO is a really down to earth guy... really understanding... and what I didnt know is he actually made the move from PA to VA himself... so he really does understand.... and why couldnt he say "more money in 3 months" ... well, he was more worried about keeping his promise..... I saw something in that talk that I hadnt seen in a while..... Honesty..... There was no attack on me... there were no excuses... I was told like it was.... thats what matters to me.... Even though I could really use some serious relief with finances right now I dont think that was primarily what I was looking for.... what I was looking for was honesty...... and Rick showed that to me....

So where do I go? I dunno.... Either way im glad this other job is at my door.... even if I decided not to go on with it, at least I know that someone really big was actually looking at me.... it really helps when you get discouraged to think of things like that.

Please keep me in your prayers..... This is still an ongoing decission and I still cant say I exactly know what to do.....

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Well I saw my doctor today.... and she said no way around it, I'm going to a psychiatrist..... which im sure is good for me but I just dont know how im going to afford it...... I really hope this other job works out.... I need a little more money and I especially need better health.... and I dont need the crap that is going on with my current job.
as the last week or two goes on im hoping more and more that this new job works out. things are getting rough and with the growth thats occuring the people higher up than me and the other techs are forgetting us
If you do something that really hurts someone and really looks questionable and its not the first time it happened...... can you really expect it to just go away? its just not fair that people hurt me and then cant understand why im scared and really dont give a damn about putting effort into helping me trust them again.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light.
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I’ve made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just want to scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I want to start this over again
So I try to hold
On to a time when
Nothing mattered
And I can’t explain
What happened and I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I’ve made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just want to scream
How could this happen to me
Well my birthday dinner is here at Red Robin. Glad I could turn 25 with all my friends...... Can I just go home and forget its my birthday?

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Some might say this is the day that kicks off my birthday week.... but i dont like that idea because i dont want this being the tone of the week.... we'll say it starts tomorrow. in some ways i want to write what happened but just like the day before tiff's graduation, i just want to never think about again. honestly tho the biggest reason is ive just learned that if i hide my pain from others its alot easier on everyone.

Why does trust have to be so hard?

Friday, May 20, 2005

I hear all the time "you'll have that anywhere you go"..... but honestly... isnt there a line where you draw?

I guess one of my biggest problems is I never know if I'm getting treated unfairly or not.... I dont know where that line is.... where is the line that you say "its ok to be lied to until this point but after that point its not ok anymore" .... My morals say that honesty is it... period... 100% .... but apparently I have to accept the fact that Im always going to be lied to....

Lets say you run a company and you hire someone and tell them that you want to hear any problems they have.... that employee goes to you because they are having a problem financially and just not making it on their current pay.... what do you do? Well, obviously you cant always afford to pay them more and any employee needs to be able to understand that.... but when you make a decission of what to do you should make sure everything else indicates that what your decission was is the case. Let's say you can't give them the money they need... what do you do? Do you simply explain to them whats going on or do you attack their personal finances and start telling them where their faults are related to something that you know nothing about.... is that the best route to take? So you indicate to them that the company can't afford a pay raise at the moment.... immediately following that do you hire more people in different departments?

Sadly, this is not all hypothetical stuff.....

I dont know what I need to tolerate and what I need to stand up for. There are times you have to accept stuff. Am I expecting to enjoy work? No.... there is a reason why you get paid to work.... its not because it's entertainment for you... it's work.... I do know that no matter where I go I will have days that I just hate my job.... thats part of working..... but where is the line drawn..... What is fair and what is unfair..... or is there no such thing as unfair in the employment area?

I just dont understand.....

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems i dont know where to start
But its now i feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I dont see I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises i still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers in brokeness
I can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know you are near
To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time of war, a time of peace
A time of love, a time of hate
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time of peace, I swear it's not too late!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Honestly... more than anything.... I just want to be myself. I need to be able to express myself and be who Bob K Mertz really is. I feel like I have been restricted from that.... and its occuring to me that that is really one of the biggest roots of all of my problems. I hold in so much that I just need to express... and its good stuff as much as bad.... There are so many good things that I want to accomplish... some I have... some I want to do.... but I'm so affraid to do it because of the implications of it.... No one will let me be myself. It's an issue of being who everyone else wants me to be. They say that you cant please everyone but in my case, it really feels like I can't please anyone! I need to be myself.... I need to do the thing that I need to do to express myself. If that means doing something nice for someone then I need to be able to do it..... This is why my heart is becoming so hard... I'm not able to use my heart anymore... it's like I'm not allowed.... I'm restricted from using my heart and it's really becomming a "dont use it and lose it" thing.... I cant express myself so my heart is hardening.... very hard.....

I just need to express myself. It's something that I thought anyone who really cared about me would want me to do.... but I'm not able to....
No one grasps the fact of how serious what was said over this past weekend is.... I died Friday.... Right now I am in a complete mere exsistance. I exsist in a physical body and a physical body only. There is a good chance that in my heart I love Tiff to death... that I love God to death... that I want to serve Him.... that I love my family to death... there is a good chance that in my heart I still really enjoy my job.... the problem is that I dont feel anything in my heart anymore. My last efforts... my last prayers.... the last things I did that I really truly looked to God for exploded in my face.... now Tiff and I are having problems again.... why? Simply because I dont have any feeling in my heart.

There is nothing for me to do anymore.... there is really seriously nowhere for me to turn down here in VA. Before I "died" I looked to get help... I found lots of contacts... I got all the information.... I really believed I needed counseling.... but because my health insurance is so bad it will cost me $50 a week to see a psychologist (and I have found Christian ones) and then another $50 a month to see a psychiatrist because that is the rules of my insurance company.

Friends? Yes, I have two EXTREMELY good friends down here.... but neither one is a Christian... they cant help me the way I need help.

I dont feel anything anymore... I dont feel emotions at all.... at times I cry but I dont even feel the reasons why I cry anymore. In order to help me some people are going to have to take very drastic routes.... but no one I know is willing to take those..... The last thing I felt in my heart is when I did something very big for a very important person.... and the fact that that meant nothing killed me... I prayed about a few things and God opened many many doors to make those two things happen... God provided a way for those to happen.... but then they didnt work out.... so what then? My mom says that maybe it wasnt God... well... that makes me feel even worse because in that case the last couple things I really felt love and emotion from my heart where from satan....

So far two people might really know how serious this situation is.... both of them said to give them a list of what they can do..... but you know what... there is nothing that I can say.... I dont have a list of things that can help... I dont know what would help me.... I dont know if there even is anything..... well, there is one thing.... but thats a very drastic step that someone is not willing to take.

Why am I still alive in this mere phsycial exsistance? The truth is I am too chicken to kill myself. I guess I am still affraid of God which might be the last glimer of hope that I have.... but the truth is, I would have died physically a long time ago if it was not for the fact that I am affraid to.

Am I scared? I was... I told people I was.... but I guess I spill my problems alot and no one figured this was any more serious than any other problem I had. Am I scared? Not anymore.... Im losing my emotion and I think that it is only a matter of time before I lose my fear of God.... If that happens then my physical body will die shortly after.

Whats it going to take? In short... a miracle.
Every time I fall down on my face
I see the one who bore all my shame
To know that you are everything I need you to be
You're my ever present help in time of need
I know you understand it all
So why don't I get back on my feet again
Every pain I feel inside my heart
It takes a faith I know I can't depart
To know that you hear every cry I raise to you
Bringing thoughts of hope the words I bring I know are few
I know you understand it all
So why don't I get back on my feet again
You hear me when I call
You're there when I fall
You hear me when I call
I know you understand it all
So why don't I get back on my feet again

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I'm so scared.... I'm literally scared..... I dont know what to do. I need help and I need lots of prayer.... more things went wrong today... I really feel like my world is collapsing around me.... I really feel like I'm alone in it all... maybe thats not the case... but I am really scared. I have never felt this way before... I have never been actually scared of my own life... I've hated my life before and things like that but I've never been scared of it... I'm in a constant state of fear.... that im doing the wrong things... that things arent going to work out... I need so badly to hear someone say its going to be ok but there is no one saying that to me... they see it too... everyone sees it.... no one knows that its all going to be ok.... there is no evidence that its going to be ok.... I even asked some people if it was going to be ok and they changed the subject.... I'm scared.... I am really scared.
For a little bit tonight I thought things were getting better.... the problem? I got my hopes up..... of course it all had to end with a crash.....

.... why am I either bothering? I try so hard to help people.... I try so hard to be a good person.... I try so hard to make things right but I always screw it up somehow I guess.... I think the world has abandoned me..... Does anyone really care anymore?

Monday, May 09, 2005

Everyone has given up on me. No one around to help.... Nothing to look
forward to. Go to work, go back to my apartment and do nothing... Well
maybe some porn because that's all the excitement I can get.... Go to
bed, get up and go to work... Go home... Still no one at home for me...
Just me and my fish.... It just goes on like..... I'm supposed to turn
25 on th 24th.... Why bother?

I, of all men, am most misserable.

No one understands the pain I am in... No one wants to know.... No one
cares. This is horrible..... I hate it... I can't deal with it. I
don't know how much longer I can go on.

Why is everything falling apart?

The harder i try to help people the more frustrated i get. i lay so much down and i get it all thrown back in my face. im done helping people. no one wants help anymore so why bother?
So now I start another day......
Try this.... get to a point that you are so stressed you just cant take anymore and then try to sleep.... its actually not that hard to sleep but when you wake up you have a feeling that is worse than most hangovers..... That's how I feel now.... absolutely misserable....

I dont think that anyone realizes the emotional pain that I am in.... granted, I am not letting on how much pain I am in to too many people but the people that do know I think its a not-accepting-fault thing..... In order to admit that I am in an extreme amount of pain it might mean that they have to accept fault for some of it....

My biggest fear right now? That I'm not going to get through this for a long time.... In the last few days I have become a different person.... I'm not the same... stress and emotional pain apparently can do alot of damage.... damage that I never realized.....

I wanna help my friend out today and get back home to VA and just sleep the best that I can.... Somehow I am holding myself together and still functioning.... I dont know how... and I dont know for how long.....

I am not well....
I was wrong... im not an emotional wreck... I'm just flat out emotionally destroyed and no one even cares.....

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Well I wanted to be in bed by 9 but Tiff said she'd call tonight..... No call yet and I've been up 3 hours later than I wanted to be so I guess I'm going to bed......

Goodnight :(
I thought maybe a good nights rest and maybe keeping myself busy would help....

... nah

I'm still an emotional wreck... I think im still functioning ok... anyone around me probably has no clue how bad I really am.... but I'm sure its gonna catch up on me.... the last two days have emotionally worn me out... Friday night killed me.... yesterday was great seeing my sweetheart graduate but... it also was the beginning of what could be the worst summer of my life.... Tiff's with her parents and ... well, I know she say.... ahh.... just nevermind.... Everything is always better if I just keep my mouth shut and not let anyone know how I really feel.....

So this is day 3 of complete emotional distress.... I really have not felt this sad in a long time.... Probably has been back in 1999 when I was moving to FL.... I have cried myself to sleep the last two nights.... I have not had this many tears shed in a long time.... having to sneak out of certain places just so I can cry because I just cant hold back the tears anymore.... and its hard that you cant just cry anywhere.... its been hard holding it back when ive been in those situations....

What scares me the most? I have no desire for anything anymore.... not looking forward to anything... nothing really to look forward to.... There is just no desire anymore... nothing to motivate me for anything....

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Im on my way out of lock haven for probably the last time.... monday or tuesday i go back to leesburg.. tiff is already in dubois..... so starts another very painful summer.....

i dont want to go through this summer. will i make it... sure i will.... but i dont want to have to endure it... i dont want this summer to start.....

so far im a half hour out of lh and the whole trip has been tears.... depression has taken quite a hold on me... i dont want to deal with this summer.

im in pain... more emotional pain than you can even imagine. last night my heart was crushed... i had been hurt more than i had in a long time. what so many people would be grateful for some things but.... well.... i want to express myself but all i do is create pain.... instead of thanks i get... sigh.... i just want things to be different..... but they arent gonna be... no matter what i decide ill be in pain.

i just dont want this summer to come but it is already upon me. i have entered my state of mere existance.....
Well they did it... lori and tiff are now graduates of lock haven university.

for the first time in a long time i had tears in my eyes for something good.... when tiff walked off stage i cried. ive watched her go through most of it. i am so proud of her..... she is just so amazing.
This is such a special day for so many people..... why am i so depressed? there is so much on my mind.... as much as i tried to hide it i was absolutely crushed yesterday... i really dont know if things are ever going to change. i just hurt so bad emotionally right now.

despite all that i am really proud of both tiff and my sister..... i just wish i was in a better mood for them.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

It's starting all over again..... the thing that started years of hell in my life.... its starting again.... same scenario..... and im scared..... I want to keep going on with it but so badly do I believe that bailing out might save my life.....
Decissions are going to be made in the next few weeks.... very very important and powerful decissions.... I am scared to death..... it's possible that nothing in my life will be the same after these decissions are made. There are decissions that affect Tiff and myself, my employment, my life, my walk with God, etc, etc.

It seems that God sets up check points in my life..... when I hit these checkpoints, my life completely spins around.... I dont understand it.... its hard to live that way when you are a very commiting person.... but this is just how it occurs for me. Tonight I hit one of those checkpoints.... as Tiff and I were having a very very important and scary conversation, I was being bombed with other stuff in email for unrelated decissions......

Everyone, please keep me in your prayers..... I've got alot of decissions that I need to make..... the scary part is.... my Walk with God is not where it should be to make those decissions.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19

In my heart, that is what I believe right now.... new things.... they are occuring all around me... my life has changed.... im in situations now that I never thought I would be in.... situations where people may have never even pictured me in.... I am making friends with people that just.... they arent the type of friends I expected to have..... and the biggest new thing of all... my church. Many people couldnt fathom the way this church is... it's different.... its not your typical church.... but God is certainly in it.... God is doing a new thing in my life.... he is doing a new thing with New Life Christian Church.... its a miracle that we found each other because it all fits so perfectly. God certainly has led me to a great church!

But what is needed before a new thing can happen? Today's sermon was "MythBusters: All in Moderation" .... People dont want moderation as was explained... and its true.... do you go see modern people in the movies? You want action... you want extreme.... so does God.

This is a true story that was told today.... there was a platoon in the army that, well, lets just say they were in trouble... and their CO was screaming and yelling at them like a CO does and in the midst of his yelling he said "Your number one and only duty is to server in this man's army" and a few seconds later you hear "Sir, Correction, Sir!" and the CO was shocked..... after a few more seconds he heard "Sir, this private's number one duty is to server my Lord Jesus Christ, Sir!" and, well... what a stand... the CO said "Fine, your number 2 duty is to serve in this man's army" and then what happened? That CO watched that private constantly... just waiting for him to get drunk, to get stuck in sex, etc, etc.... but everytime he saw him, he was reading his Bible.... and the CO found nothing..... in the CO's absolute desire to get back at this private, he followed him to whereever it was he went on Sunday morning.... to make a long story short, that CO ended up in church with that private and that CO is now on fire for God.....

What happened? One man took a stand.... a big stand! Who corrects their CO in the army? But this one man felt strongly enough to make that stand... He knew he had to make that stand for his Savior! And really... you think about all of the countries that people are losing their lives because they are Christians.... and we are scared to stand here in the US because someone might look at us funny? Yea, it sounds kinda wimpy to me too now. Back in 9th grade I made a small stand to my science teacher and after class I had a conversation with one of the students in the class.... Where did that lead? I dont really know... I never kept in touch with that person.... but I made a stand...... but what could I have done the following years? The years when I really started backsliding..... what could I have done in my one year in college? Like Tim said in his sermon today, the strongest Christians are coming out of our universities. Of all of those, the ones that are in the science classes the most... why? Because these students who really want to stand for their Lord need to be an iron curtain.... they need to be so strong to stand against all of the stuff that is taught now. If your a college student now, you really need to take a stand.... and its the best oppritunity anyone ever has to stand up for God.... you sit in that science class and it is harder but more effective than being on a mission's trip in another country.

But is taking a stand just for the big stands like that? This is what hit me today.... this is what all of this boils down to... how does this affect me? This is a time where I have to get personal on this blog... more personal than usual. I dont think its a secret that Tiff and I are still having some struggles..... dont get me wrong.. we are doing fine... things are great.... but there are still some things that we struggle with... we've been through alot and its going to take time and take prayer to make this the perfect relationship that God has in store for us.... one big problem? Its a difference in views on sex..... ok, stop right there... we are both virgins... we are both very proud to be virgins and we are both staying that way until we are married....... in that sense, we are old fasioned... I have always been classified as old fasioned and thought of myself that way .... until I met Tiff! Tiff has different view than I do on making out... and it has been a struggle between us..... but it really hit me of what kind of a Christian I am if I dont take a stand.... Taking a step back... what kind of Christian am I to work for a company that has customer's who are pornographers and then take part in that practice? There is no doubt I am in that company for a reason.... but I can't be wishy washy.... I cant lash out against those customers... I would never think of that.... but if I can abstain from my desires, what kind of a witness could I be? Add that to the situation between Tiff and myself...... all of this really started hitting me during the sermon... then.... thennnnn.... I held communion in my hand and I thought..... you know... Jesus laid down His life for me.... He gave me this gift and now I am worried about just a little bit of desire? Do you think Jesus desired to die? No! He evern asked the Lord to let that cup pass by Him..... but He died anyway... He layed down HIS LIFE for me.... and I'm affraid to lay down a DESIRE for Him... and for Tiff.... It's time I make a change..... It's time I really work on this single problem.... I've got other problems... but this is something I need to work on.... Next time I'm with Tiff am I going to want to do more than just kiss? Of course... but I'm going to work hard to keep things until control... for God... for Tiff.... and... for myself!

"Please take from me my life when I don't have the strength to give it away to You Jesus" -- Third Day
Someday I will learn to just quit getting frustrated and just outright trust God.... someday I will.... I hope it's soon tho.