Monday, February 28, 2005

Years ago someone stole our large outdoor trampoline.... My family was shocked when we realized this.... who would go through the trouble of stealling a trampoline that large? Well... I no longer wonder...

These must be the ones
"Basic Principals: There are none" - Will Smith in "Hitch"

Now more than ever I know this is true. When it comes to love you cant just say "this is the way it goes" ... because it doesnt. So many people over the last few years told me that tiff was just playing me.... reasons? They applied "basic principals" to the relationship Tiff and I had. What kept us together with everyone telling me I was an idiot? Love..... What brought us back together after both of us threw the other person away? Love.... What is going to keep us together when we hurt the other person again? Love.....

Sure there is going to be more pain.... and yes, there are still quite a few things that are bugging me.... but I cant just say thats the end. I want to spend my life with Tiff more than anything else.... so I'm going to work towards that.... and over time, those things that bug me will get better. The bottom line is we love each other... we have loved each other... and we will love each other....

Sunday, February 27, 2005

After 15 years... oh well, I guess it really has only been about 3 or 4.... anyway... after lots of work and alot of pain... my dreams have come true. I now have a girlfriend.... and she is the best girl on the face of the earth.

Yes, Tiff and I are official now.... and I couldnt be happier. My life is just.... im just so happy with everything right now. I have my own place... I have a great job... and now I have a great girl..... and I love her very much.

Thank You Lord, for all that you have done!

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Well Tiff and I talked a little today.... it sounds like she really wants to make things better. I pray thats the case.... the last thing I want is to lose her.... but some things just need to be taken care of..... despite everything I still can not wait until this weekend so I can see her. I love her so much.... things are confusing right now..... "No Pain, No gain" ... right?
I tried to call Tiff a little bit ago but I couldnt get a hold of her.... finally I found a friend to talk to.... and helped me feel alot better. Maybe I'm just missing my feelings.... I'm surrendering my feelings to Tiff.... and just holding on to what I think should be but I'm totally neglecting myself. I really wish I could have talked to Tiff..... I needed to talk to her.... but ... maybe I just need to listen to my head a little bit. I have been listening to my heart for so long... and completely.... but maybe I have been totally ignoring my head..... I mean, your heart needs to be primary but you cant totally ignore your head..... I dunno... I'm so confused and scared right now.... I wish I had someone to just hold right now.... but I dont. I'm still at work... could be here for a while... and the hardest thing to do right now is to keep from crying. My mind is just going so fast. I dont like this... not at all.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Why are the ones you love the most the ones that make you feel like crap?

Monday, February 21, 2005

Oh my gosh! Just saw an ad on TV.... and I didnt know whether to believe it or not.... but sure enough, it is true.... I'm close to a Checkers..... *drools*

Check it out!
Well other than sleeping in again and missing church, today was a pretty decent day. Mom, Dad, Aunt Kathy, and Grandma all came down to visit for a while. It was nice to see them. There really isnt too much to say tho. I was going to go skiing tomorrow but I decided I should probably save the gas money since I'm trying to get stuff going financially here. I am really looking forward to this weekend tho because I'll get to see Tiff.... she's back from Kentucky too.... just talked to her for a min when she got back to tell me she made it. She said she had an awesome time... I cant wait to hear all about it.

Well, its bed time for me.... nite nite

Sunday, February 20, 2005

For a while I didnt know how to take the outsourcing of technical support. It was hard for me at times when I called Tech support to understand and communicate with the techs. I got over it.... but now.... yes, this is where the world takes it a step too much... and who else to do it than McDonalds. Check out this link..... I'm sure you won't beleive it... oh, and Tiff... dont worry.... if you ever move down here to VA with me, you can STILL work for your DuBois McDonalds :)
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not percieve it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland..." - Isaiah 43:18-19
Well, I thought I had my mind made up on what church I'm going to go to first.... I was thinking all day that I was going to go to Christian Fellowship Church in Ashburn.... I was ready for it.... but im sitting here now and Im getting this tug that says not to.... that I should go to New Life Christian Church in Dulles.... This has been a debate for me for about a week now.... Logically it seems like CFC is more of a direct church.... like they get straight to the point..... more like what I'm used to.... but I dont know.... New Life is more like a youth group.... now I loved youth group..... but logically you dont want to think that a church that acts like a youth group on Sunday Morning is what you need..... but then again maybe thats because religion always gets set in tradition.... I just have this urge to go to New Life tomorrow.... maybe I need something new.... It is too early to tell but I think I'm gonna go with this tug and go to New Life tomorrow.... I just feel that its what I need to do.

For those of you that are curious... check these churches out:

New Life Christian Church

Christian Fellowship Church

I have also been told about this one which I have been thinking about visiting:

Reston Bible Church

So give me your input... :) As for tomorrow, I think I'm going to New Life. We'll see how that goes!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

The first indication that you have been up too late is when you are on your way home from work you here the morning show start on the radio. Then your second indication will be when you are pulling into your appartment complex and an onslaught of people are leaving FOR work.... the third indication is when you are walking up to your apartment and there are newspapers laying in front of everyone's door.

Lets just say a VERY large customer's database server went down.... conferences involving 5 different time zones.... yea

Umm, so, good night... or morning or.... yea, im going to bed :)

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

I still feel like Im dirt.... like im worthless..... maybe in my heart I know things are going to be just perfect..... but no one .... argh..... just a little comfort would be nice.... just a little......

.... definately gonna cry myself to sleep tonight.

Monday, February 14, 2005

I got a Valentine's day card in the mail today :) (Thanks Beth)

God speaks in some amazing ways.... This day has... well, lets just say it's not been the best..... and i was really down.... and I brought others down with me.... it was just not a good day....

anyway, I went to McDonald's to grab something to eat.... I got my food and sat down at a table and noticed they had roses on all the tables.... I found myself getting really ticked off.... thinking I should have just stayed in my apartment the whole day..... either way I just started eating my food and trying to get over with this day.... then 2 booths away from me was this little girl sitting in a high chair.... after sitting there for about 5 mins she just stared at me with this look on her face.... just like..... it was like saying "I see your hurting but its gonna be ok" ... it just really started hitting me.... and she kept looking... this face she had on... it was just so.... it just hit me..... and I started thinking of all the wonderful things in my life.... the fact that I have Tiff and that I do have her love... even tho things arent exactly where I need them to be, I at least know they are coming.... and that really is more than some people have..... so I just kept thinking about this and I looked up a little while later and she was looking at me again only this time when I looked at her she smiled.... she smiled such a reassuring smile.... she just looked at me and smiled.... and I smiled back.... I left McDonald's with the biggest smile on my face that I've had in a long time.... I came home and called Tiff and told her how much I loved her.... how much she meant to me..... things will be ok.... God is taking care of everything!
Well it looks like I managed to screw up Valentine's day anyway.... :(
Sometimes it's painful to hold in what you have to say.... but if it means letting another person have a good day, sometimes it's worth it.
This may not be my favorite holiday, but it brings to mind my favorite person!

Happy Valentine's Day, Tiff! I love you with all of my heart!

(Raze "More than a Dream")
Happy Freaking Valentines day! *sigh*

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Well dad was down here for a while.... I had to give him some stuff to take back to PA and he had to bring some stuff down for me.... we started on our way to Target and I got paged so had to run to the data center... didnt take entirely too long but eventually I got back out and dad and I made it to target 10 mins before the closed... I was running around like mad trying to find a humidifier.... apparently they are popular down here because Target stocked maybe 5 models and they were out of every single one except one each of two models... so either way I got one.... then we went to IHOP.... good food.... everything was decorated for valentine's day.... yea... that's tomorrow... *sigh* .... I almost have some one but it still feels like a dud day.... then the couple sitting behind me..... they either just moved in together or were married or something.... I dunno.... but they were talking about valentine's day.... then they were talking about going grocery shopping together and getting stuff for their place..... *sigh* ... really kinda painful for me I guess..... I just wish that I was ... well, I wish that tomorrow would be different.... let's just say that..... but what happens happens.... it'll be ok, right?

Ive really been out of it today..... I didnt say much to dad when he was here.... then earlier today I was on the phone with tiff and she got upset with me because I wasnt saying much.... I didnt know what to say.... just really made me feel like I screwed up again..... I love Tiff to death... she is the person I want to share my life with... there is no doubt about that..... sometimes I just feel like I'll never compare.... or that im just not good enough for her.... I mean she is such an awesome girl... do I really deserve to have her? I just feel bad.... really feel like im not good enough.

Dont take this post the wrong way. Things are going really well for me down here in VA. I really am enjoying living down here.... it's great. I love my job and the people I work with... it's just great..... I guess maybe alot thats going on in my head is I just miss Tiff really badly..... and it doesnt help that tomorrow is valentine's day either.... and that Im not going to see her for two weeks and its' already been 2 weeks or so.... Things will get better im sure..... im not really worried... just kinda out of it I guess....
Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect
Sometimes I think that I will always do everything wrong.... I'll never be perfect... and sometimes thats just not good enough......

.... I wish I was perfect... :(
A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled
with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man he had work
for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The
Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his
might. This the man did, day after day.

For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set
squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore, and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, the adversary decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the man's weary mind: "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it." Thus giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. "Why kill myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time, giving just the minimum effort and that will be good enough." And that is what he planned to do until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord" he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting
all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this
time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is
wrong? Why am I failing?"

The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to
serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all, your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push, and now you come to me, with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are
strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. This you have done. I, my friend, will now move the rock."

At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just simple obedience and faith in Him.... By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves the mountains.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

Thursday, February 10, 2005

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Your beautiful soul, yeah
You might need time to think it over
But im just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry c`mon lets try

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Am I crazy for wanting you
Baby do you think you could want me too
I don't wanna waste your time
Do you see things the way I do
I just wanna know if you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

You beautiful soul, yeah

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Health Insurance and 401k ... those are the obstacles of the day.... Please keep me in your prayers.... I somehow need to get my medicine refilled and somehow need to get money to make one month's rent payment.... after those, everything is fine.... but my plans for both fell through today.

Thought I'd share with everyone my new place! Let me know what you think -- and come visit and see it in person!

Someday I'll buy one of those :)

Monday, February 07, 2005


The thing worse than something being wrong is not knowing something is wrong....
Well I am over the fact that I am not going to VA with a sub... actually... dad and I are trading cars again for a while. Hopefully he can get some more things taken care of it.... I wont lie... I'm still stressed. Thankfully my grandmother has some Ativan so I took that half way through my shift tonight.... it did a lot for calming me down.

I am still really hurt and bugged tho. I never really was a fan of football but this year changed.... I was kinda getting into it.... part of it I think was because I would have like to been able to cuddle up with Tiff and watch a game because I knew she liked football and enjoys watching it... well, yea... people got me hooked this year.... and did I ever get to sit and cuddle with someone watching a game.... no.... people were coming in to the hut for pizzas for their parties... lots of guys and girls..... heard all about these superbowl parties.... did I have one to go to? nope.... did I want to... sure I did. When I realized that there was no chance in hell that anyone would wanna be with me for the superbowl, I told Steve that I would work for him so he could enjoy the game.... Im glad it at least helped someone out and glad that he enjoyed the game.... but where was my girl? Well, I know where she was..... lets just say she wasnt with me.... *sigh*

I'm in alot of emotional pain right now. I was kinda hoping to hear from Tiff when she got back to school tonight but Im sure she's already there and I'm not gonna hear from her..... I have a long drive ahead of me so I better get started... I'll be getting home around 4:30am now it looks.... I just hope I get my medicine in me and I wake up tomorrow feeling alot better and that maybe something might go my way.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

The last 14 hours have been unbearable for me. I had a meeting in PA on Friday so I had to come up.... I also had to come back up here today to work at Pizza Hut for Steve.... and my stereo in my car freaked out.... so dad and I traded cars for the weekend and he took my car to Rob's yesterday. Keith and I decided to go get something to eat last night.... I got ready, put the keys in my pocket and left.... but, the keys I put in my pocket were just for my dad's Santa Fe.... I locked myself out of my apartment.... No big deal... I always keep a spare key in my car.... which was freaking in PA. The office was closed and the emergency number for my complex was safely locked in my apartment. So at about 4 am I leave to come back here to PA.... no sleep for me..... I get here at 8am to find out that my dad is sick and he never exchanged my amp so I went to bed and got up at 2:30 and went and got another amp... I got home... got the seat out of my car and I cant freaking do it... the wires dont line up... I dont have the time... now my car is all torn apart... I'm a wreck.... to top it all off my medicine is also locked in my apartment... so I'm on nothing.... I'm going to freaking lose it... and yea.... everyone finally got me into football this year.... do you think there is anyone that wanted to watch the superbowl with me? Of course not.... everyone.... EVERYONE has plans already.... I guess its a good thing im working.... because I'm not important to anyone anyway.....

Here come the tears... I better stop before I really lose it :( Gotta get to work anyway..... I hope tomorrow is better.....

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Im trying to think of last weekend.... things cant just change like that, can they? Im having a rough night..... dunno how much sleep I'll get.
Relax Bob... it is what it is.... you cant change what happens.... just go to bed and pray for a better Saturday night.....

PLEASE, BOB, PLEASE.... dont fail now.....

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

I need Tiff!!!!! I dont know how to organize an apartment! :)