Saturday, December 31, 2005

Less than 15 mins left of 2005! Is everyone ready for leap second?
23:23:60 is on its way :)

And this will be the last blog of the year....... Ill see ya'ins next

Its hard to believe that exactly a year ago I was getting fired.. and now I just got done finishing up a crazy job situation in which I didnt know which job to take. Its hard to believe how times change and things change and how much those little things have such huge impacts on our lives. People come into our lives and leave our lives and they heal our hearts and break our hearts. And every single one of those memories are with us forever and they shape who we are today.

Looking back, I have to say that 2005 was by far the year that I changed the most in. I think that I have become a better person and I have learned a lot. I may have had my first taste of moving out on my own in 1999 but its this year that I had my own home Granted, the home was just me but I learned a lot more and took on a lot more than what I did in Florida in 1999. People have told me how much I have matured over the last year. Maybe I have. I hope I have. I still feel like me tho. I mean, this is who I am and I like who I am. I hate many of the thing that I have to go through but its all shaping me to be a better person in the future. Who can deny that that is a great thing?

History repeats its self they say. I think there is a lot of truth to that. So what will 2006 be for me? I think a lot of the same stuff that 2005 was with new twists. Im sure it wont be any less exciting than 2005 J

As for what I want to accomplish? I really would like to find the girl and start working towards the family that I have always dreamed of. I had a lot of hope in that situation until a few days ago. And that may be why Ive been feeling so anxious recently. So I guess my goal is to refocus myself and get that hope back somehow. There has been a quote as you enter my website for years that has said about living without hope. I dont mention that quote a lot but it means a lot to me and is very real to me. Having hope is the most important thing. Maybe thats why Im always looking for answersI want to know whats going to happen so that I have something to look forward to. But I do realize that sometimes its not Gods will for us to know yet. And I will learn to be more and more content with that idea.

I have been through quite a lot this year and every one of you have impacted the outcome in various different ways. Your prayers mean more to me than can be imagined. And some of you may have hurt me. But thats ok because it was all a part of making me who I am right now.. Garth Brooks has an amazing song called The Dance that really means a lot. And I think that it could be my theme song for the ending of 2005.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

I sure could have been a lot happier with less pain in 2005. But all of that pain is leading up for a better 2006.. and all the pain I experience in 2006 will lead up for a better 2007. I pray that 2006 brings a lot of great things for all of us. Maybe Ill finally meet the girl of my dreams. Maybe I wont. But I can look forward and hope for that to come. Whether it comes in 2006 or later or why not even in 2005? I still have 10 hours, right? J Im also looking forward to doing great things with New Life this year. I hope that I can become more and more involved with my church and be able to take them to new levels with their technology. I pray that God uses me in 2006 even more so than He did in 2005.

So I just want to take this time to thank all of you for the support that you have given me in 2005 and I want to wish you and your families a great 2006.

God Bless!

"Man can live about 40 days without food, about 3 days without water, about 8 minutes without air but only about 1 second without hope."

-From Hal Lindsey's "The Terminal Generation" book
What are the chances of this? When I lived in Orlando I always listened to z88.3 which was our Christian station. Many times I listen to their live stream at their website ( While I was working tonight I had it on. When I walked out of the data center there was a van with a Z88.3 bumper sticker..... How many people in Va would know what that is let alone have the sticker? and, yes, the van had VA tags..... Odd

Friday, December 30, 2005

Why is it I can go months without needing Xanax.... then when I decide I can stop keeping it with me at all times, anxiety strikes and I'm a wreck.

I'm really not doing so well right now.
Maybe I need to revisit the idea of getting counseling again...... This anxiety has been with me for 2 days off and on..... Not at the point to really be concerned but definately enough to raise an eyebrow at.

This voice recognition on customer service hotlines has to stop. Usually when you have to call somewhere you're frustrated about something already and then you have to sit there and argue with a computer using your voice to talk to someone that can actually understand words instead of phonetics..... so by time you get to talk to someone, you're not only frustrated, your irate.....

.... If only companies would not screw up in the first place we wouldnt even have to call.... but when they make it hard to call, it seems like they just want to avoid their errors...... *sigh*

No wonder most of America has high blood pressure......
I retreat
By myself at the back of my brain
I cannot see
What You're showing me thorugh this pain
I have found
That I have found
Nothing for so long

I don't understand
I don't need to
I know You've a plan
You will see through
It is in Your hands
I believe You

(Verse 2)
I say goodbye
I leave my loved ones far behind
I'm asking
Why is the story of my life
I have found
That I have found
Nothing for so long

(Repeat Chorus)

I was only wondering
I've been trying to understand
I know there is more
So much more than I can see

(Repeat Chorus x2)

"I Don't Understand" by PFR
I realize that I may never be better unless I put this behind me..... but then again, I realize the only thing that can put this behind me is death.

God tests His children over and over again until they get it right. I was doing so well.... but tonight, I failed..... its truly the only thing that I do not fail at: failing. Now I know the test will come again.

I've screwed up.... God may forgive me, but people wont. Not even those who mean the world to me.
I'm such a failure..... thats so apparent to me right now. Someone who can take the most important thing in their life and completely screw it up..... thats a failure...

I.... I am a failure....

Thursday, December 29, 2005

ARGH.... when am I going to learn to just shut my mouth...... Some people just dont care... why do I think I can make them?
Sometimes I expect to just walk into a room somewhere and see a big sign that says "Game Over" and I hear that crazy electronic music that all the old nintendo games would play.

I feel like thats what is going on. I'm playing a big game. I'm not sure how many lives I have... how many mistakes I can make.... hell, I'm not even sure what the name of the game is. I'm kind of getting burnt out tho. Sometimes you just get bored with the same thing repeating it's self over and over again. Asteroids was a great Atari game.... but every level was the same thing but a little faster..... there was nothing new and exciting.... thats what my life is... a game of asteroids. I'd much rather be playing Super Mario 3 or something where every level is at least a little different.... but its the same things over and over again for me..... just gets faster and a little tougher.... but nothing new and exciting for me....

I'm bored... I'm burnt out.... I just want to go to sleep for a while.... maybe forever.
Against everything I felt, I sent Tiff an IM tonight.... I dont know why.... she basically said she was in alot of pain...... but ive realized that I really cant be there for her. I had to go suddenly and when I got back on, she was gone of course. She said how much I cared about her meant alot to her and she said that she really needs comfort right now (in an IM to my home AIM)...... I sent her an email and explained that I cant be there for her. In some ways I wish I could.... but I cant.

I'm sure that will be the last I hear of her for a while.... I wish I didnt have to make the first attempt at communication but I couldnt rely on her to do it.... and I'm not gonna do it again for at least a while (unless God would direct otherwise, I guess) so I guess that means that we wont talk for a while.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I'm so tired of getting led on..... girls, jobs, family, etc, etc, etc, etc.....

Why cant people just say what they mean? Oh yea, you dont want to hurt me? Thats a good reason to lie.... its the most selfish thing you can do.... dont hurt me while your around me.... wait until its too late and you dont feel as guilty.... no matter that it will kill me 500% more than if you just told me the truth in the first place.

PLEASE SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!!!!! If you hate me, tell me.... if you dont want to hire me, tell me.... if you love me, tell me (right), if you dont think im a good worker, tell me.... if you dont think I'm a great person, dont say it. Is it really that hard to tell the truth?

I really wish Tiff had someone to encourage her...... I know it can't be me - I'm not effective in her life anymore but I wish there was someone that was..... She's such a sweetheart and deserves to have encouragement.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

This sucks...... I was kinda upset this morning about some things on my mind but now this traffic is pushing me over the edge...... I just want to go home, forget about work for today, and cuddle up with my girlfriend..... But I don't have any vacation time to use and we all know that no girl will ever be truly interested in me for reasons other than using me...... *sigh*

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There are WAY too many people on the road today..... And I'm not even in NoVA yet :(
Well.... I spent ALL night with Eli.... it was great. I took him to Overly's to see the lights.... it was an awesome night. After he went to bed Patti and I were talking and then Tanya came to pick him up.... As much as Tanya pisses me off, I still do care about her... and I especially care about Eli! I helped her carry some stuff out to her car and we were talking to a short while.... she told me about how Matt (her current bf) is different.... Honestly, yes, I'm skeptical.... and she knows that.... I gave her a hug and left.... One thing I told her tho is that I dont want to see Eli get hurt.... I told her that he needs her priority..... and I said too that one thing that scares me personally is that I worry that when I have my own kids I may not be able to love them as much as Eli.... she said I would and she is probably right... but that is how much I care about that little boy. For those of you that have not met Eli, you couldnt even begin to imagine how cute and sweet he is.

Needless to say, I'm not driving back home tonight.... I'll get some sleep and leave early AM to head back to VA and be there by 4pm for work. Its been a good weekend but yet a very trying weekend as well. Something is gonna have to happen with the whole Tiff situation.... if it doesnt, I really have to permanently give up. I've said it before but eventually I am going to have to really stick to it and just completely say its over... I cant keep putting myself through this. She wont tell me what she wants or whats going on.... but yet ive had text messages a few times over the last week that just make me go wtf.... and when I try to start a conversation, it doesnt happen.... its just one text message and thats it. So I dont know.... so many messed up things going on right now... its amazing how many decissions that other people make can really affect your life in bad ways... but yet I do know that God will take care of you if you take the steps that you need to take. There is no doubt in my mind that Tiff and I should not be in this limbo situation.... things should have happened alot differently... but she seems to still be affraid to take the actions she needs to.... its hard on me, yes... but God is taking care of me.... and God gives many chances I have learned but I have also learned that He doesnt let the other person go through it too many times before He moves that person out of the situation and works on the person not making the decission in another way.... It's happened to me many times... and I so many times wish I would have learned my lesson on the first time.... but I didnt... fear kept me from doing so many things.... but I cant tell you how much better it is to live a life of faith.... a life that allows you to just jump when God says to and not question it.... sure I still do but not near as much as I used to... and my life is so much better. So do I know what is going to happen between Tiff and I? Not a clue.... but what I do know is that God isnt going to let me be in this situation much longer.... one of two things is possible.... 1> I'm wrong or 2> Tiff is scared to death to do what she needs to. Either way, its not going to be long before God either convinces me I'm wrong or He works on Tiff another way with me completely out of the picture..... or of course things could be corrected the way they should have been a year ago.... but im not putting my hopes in any certain place other than putting my faith in God that He is going to take care of me. I care about Tiff very much, but I cant continue to concern my life with her and let things bug me.... I'm starting to realize (finally) that no matter what I do, I can not make any decissions for her.... she must listen to God and then act in the faith that she needs to.... if I was able to make that choice for her, then she would never learn....

Alright, well.... I'm gonna get some things done here and then get my butt to bed.... Good night everyone!

Monday, December 26, 2005

Tonight was a really good night I guess.... still I didnt get what I wished for but maybe I just gotta get over it? I did, however, get a chance to hang out with a friend that I had not seen in about 7 years...... It was awesome to get to catch up on things and just sit and talk to her. I dont think anyone that reads this (all 2 of you :) really know her but her name is Lauren.. She's a real sweetheart. It was good to sit and talk about some of the good times that the group we hung out with back then had. Lots of memories..... and of course it was cool to talk about the new stuff going on in each of our lives too.... finding someone else that seems to always get crapped on in relationships is nice in a way.... it sucks that she had to go through it.... but its nice to know that others do experience some of the crazy stuff that I have to go through. It was kinda cool that she noticed that I had changed alot since she last saw me just by reading this blog.... I think thats a good thing. I guess maybed I do have a friend in PA? lol... well, I do have a few of them....

Oh... and I got a text message tonight too.... I dont understand..... if two people are so much alike that they seem like they are cloned, you'd think they'd be really close, right? *shrug*

Well, tomorrow is an EXTREMELY busy day for me..... gotta help some people out and most importantly, I have to go play with Eli.... well, I dont have to... I WANT TO! So I guess I'm gonna get to bed..... well, of course I'll check myspace first because im not addicted or anything :D

Hope everyone had a great Christmas!

Sunday, December 25, 2005

So I got a ton of really cool things and stuff I wanted. An inkjet/photo printer, a dremel, some clothes, emmit otters jugband christmas dvd, soundblaster audigy, etc, etc..... but did I get what I wanted? Not even close :( .... but its nothing that anyone could have bought for me.... oh well.... I guess that... well, yea.... I just wish this Christmas was a little different.... but I got my hopes up and thats the problem.... I really have to quit having hope.

Oh well... we're playing a game so I'm gonna get going..... more later probably.
Christmas ain't the same...
(Oh, girl)
Christmas ain't the same without you...
Waiting for the day I see you again

It's Christmas night
I'm by the fireside
Wishing that you and I
Could share our love one last time
And baby, I need you near me
Right here with me for eternity (oh oh)

Exchaning gifts of warmth and tenderness
Holding you close is my Christmas wish!

Christmas ain't the same without you
It just doesn't feel like it used to
Waiting for the day I'll see you again ('til I see you)
I hold my breath and pray to the stars for you 'til then

Baby I, made some mistakes that I
Really regret inside (why can't we get one last chance?)
Aww... I loved you girl
With all of my heart!
Right from the start
Thought we'd never part (oh no)

Remembering your touch and your eternal bliss
That is my only Christmas wish!

Chorus (2x)

(Oh no no no)
I hold my breath and pray to the stars for you 'til then
(Oh no!)
Christmas ain't the same without you...
The same...

Chorus (2x)

"Christmas Wish" by 98 Degrees

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Kim and I have been recently talking alot about the difference between credit/fame and appriciation. And man did it really hit me today how much a reality that is.

I'm not out to get credit or to be known as this great person because I really truly am no different than any other person.... I dont deserve credit.... but what I really need is appriciation. As long as I am appriciated, I am happy. And I think that this was a big thing that took a role in the Carpathia thing.... I never really felt appriciated.... but now that I work under Scotty, I do feel that way. Just saying thanks or "hey that was really good" or whatever is enough to keep me going.... its needed. I want to help people and I want to make an impact and when I know I am appriciated, I know that I am doing my job.

So it starts out basically this way.... today there was some of the "do this, do that" thing that always goes on when I'm up here in PA. I hate it. I do have to say tho, I am very thankful that it wasnt as bad as it usually is.... but when I'm up here in PA, this is supposed to be a break for me.... but just laying on the couch is impossible because I cant go more than a half hour without someone saying "could you do this _____ (fill in the blank)" ... its horrible.... but the thing that makes it so bad isnt helping someone out.... its the fact that its not really appriciated. If I'm here, this is expected of me.... but last I checked, I dont live here..... Dont get me wrong... I love being here and seeing my family and stuff, but the reality is, I'm not an official part of the household even tho I am still very much a part of the family.... Caring about your family and doing stuff for them is important and should never change, however, things for the daily operations of the house shouldnt be a requirement.... not saying that I never want to help out at all.... but its not a duty any more... Sure I'll help out.... but I hope that it would be appriciated and not just taken for granted.... sometimes I do think that my family takes me for granted.... not that that means they dont love me.... but sometimes its easy to do whether someone is worth something or not.... I'm probably more of a burden to this family than anything, but I am who I am and even if I bring one good thing to the table, I hope that its not taken for granted.....

But here is the big thing I realized.... Here in PA there is a ton of people that still rely on my computer help... I sent out an email this past week saying that Saturday and Sunday were *MY* days and I did not want to be working on computers..... but then I called Bud and he said not to even worry about helping him out on Monday.... this was so greatly appriciated because of his respect that I have a life too.... but the next thing I knew, I was talking about the possibility of helping him out with a little project Saturday morning..... and yes, it was *MY* idea.... yet someone else called and told me their computer crashed and the last thing I wanted to do was even think about looking at their machine.... whats the difference? I realized today that I actually enjoy helping Bud with his computers.... I dont mind even the slighest bit.... and I helped Beth out tonight too and I enjoyed that as well.... but the other person I dont even want to look at their machine.... well, there are alot of things that roll into that. First of all, of all the people I know, Bud is one of the greatest people I know. There are very few people that are as upstanding as him.... He's got a good heart and a good head. And the big thing? He appriciates what I do. He realizes that if a computer in his office doesnt boot it doesnt neccesarily mean that its my immediate emergency but whats more important is that he also realizes that it's not the end of the world. So please explain to me how this person can lose thousands of dollars over a computer being down and yet its not the end of the world, but someone else's daughter cant get on the internet and someone has to stop the world from turning until its fixed. Come on! Whats worse is when you ask for advice from me, you dont take it, and then next thing you know I'm supposed to support the results of not taking my advice.... and heaven forbid it take a while. Why cant those people realize that I am a human being as well and that I have a life and that, yes, even geeks need to relax sometimes. People tell me all the time that they wish they knew half of what I know.... and I simply respond "No, you dont.... you have no idea what its like"..... But thats the thing.... I love working with Bud and Beth and alot of other friends..... I love working on my grandmother's computer.... these people all really appriciate what it is that I do.... some pay me, and some dont.... but its not about money.... it may help when I'm setting priorities but thats not what makes the job worth doing.... what makes the job worth doing is when I can do something that I already enjoy and it not be a chore and I realize that what I do is appriciated. See, maybe it takes time out of my schedule, but its something that I ENJOY doing.... but when the situation is different and I am expected to fix something immediately, its not longer a chore... thats when it becomes a job. That's also the point where I do an in and out thing.... get in, make it work, and get out.... but do you think thats what I do at Bud's office? Not at all! I go in, I do the job that needs done, I do some maintence, I check things... I try new things.... I learn alot and I advance what is going on in the office to the best of my ability while at the same time increasing my ability.... and Bud knows that if the world does stop, he can certainly call me at any time and I will do whatever I can in my power to help him out... and I know that that will be appriciated.... but if I'm in a meeting and I cant take the call, he understands that too.... While Bud is very high on my priority list because of that appriciation, that doesnt mean that I *CAN* put him at the very top.... sometimes I wish I could... but that isnt the reality of things. So maybe this will speak to someone.... realize what people do for you and what that means to you... and then let them know.... Believe me, you'll get alot more out of them, they'll feel better, and everyone just wins. It's all about appriciation.... If my church offered me a job right now for less money than I make at Carpathia, there is a good chance that I would take it (provided it was enough to live on).... Simply because its not about the money but about what you can really do to help, what the common goal is, and above all else, its how much you are appriciated......

So, wow, this is becomming a long blog. But the last thing about my day.... I was very frustrated all day and kind of out of it..... but then I went to Beth's and fixed her computer for her and finally got a hold of Patti to find out about visiting Eli.... she had him tonight so I ended up going over and Eli came with us to do some shopping.... We ended up getting a few Portable DVD players for $-5 ... yes, the - is there on purpose. Radio Shack made an error I guess and posted two rebates on their website for this player which, once rebates are received, you make $5 on the deal.... Its a little skeptical as to whether the second rebate will work but Radio Shack did say they will honor the rebate forms that were already released..... if they dont, I think it'll be a PR nightmare for them..... but then I went back to Patti's house and let Eli open his present from me.... I got him a little laser tag set.... but it was too late to play with it so I am gonna go back on Monday and play with him again!!! :) Eli can make the worst day into the best day.... He's the sweetest little boy in the world. And it really melts your heart when someone cries when you leave.... its hard for me to see Eli cry for any reason, but I like to know that I mean something to him.... I guess it goes back to the appriciation thing. Another thing was he called me "dad" twice tonight. the first time he caught himself and said "I mean Bobby" and the second time I asked him what my name was and he said "oh... bobby" .... Believe me, any time that he does this, I correct him... I'm not his dad, nor will I ever be.... but I do love him like he was my own son..... but even tho I correct him and make sure he realizes that I'm not his dad, it still melts my heart more than you can even imagine.... Yaknow.... just thinking about a survey I did on myspace a few days ago.... it asked who the last person that said "I love you" to you and really meant it was.... I didnt answer this way.... but the true answer to that question is Eli.... We tell each other "I love you" all the time.... and sometimes I feel like he is the only person that does. And yes, my mom says it too.... and not to discount that she does love me.... but she has to say it, yaknow? Thats a natural thing.... but when your best friend in the whole world is a 5 year old boy and he loves you with all his heart and you love him with all your heart, well, then.... that's a strong feeling....

Well, I think I need to get to bed. I hope everyone has a great Christmas! I'm sure there will be another blog soon! God Bless and goodnight!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Well tonight is the first night I ever actually cried over a fish dying..... What do you expect when it dies one of the worst deaths ever?

And of course, Christmas dreams don't come true for me. I really have to completely stop having any kind of hope in this at all....

Argh..... I better go to bed and cry myself to sleep.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Man did I sleep like a baby last night.... its amazing how much better you feel when you get enough sleep... and boy did I need it.

"This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it"

One more shift before I start my vacation..... ahhhhhhh :)
Lonely . . .

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I have this really strange but good feeling about today. Sure I'm excited because I'm driving my new car but there is something more..... But I dunno what.
Its mine! :)
Nice... We are on our way to get my car and we passed a new bank called "Fifth Third Bank" ..... You have to love it! If they were in VA, I would bank there just because of the name! :)

Monday, December 19, 2005

I dont understand why God continues to bless me and use me. Why does He speak through me? Why do things hit me like a ton of bricks that others never even thought of.... why do things at church that are just edification messages really paint a whole new picture on a whole new subject.

Today at church the sermon was about Mary and Joseph.... Here's the thing that hit me out of this whole sermon tho.... What was the biggest thing that stood out to me? Fear! So much fear..... Brett put it best in his sermon tho.... If an angel of the Lord appears to you and says "this is how it will be" ... are you going to argue with him? Well, thats what Mary did.... she questioned how a virgin birth could happen.... eventually tho, she realized that it was to be..... then joseph.... You kinda have to feel bad for the man.... the woman he loves goes away for 3 months and she comes back pregnant.... what do you think? Honestly, put that in the context of today.... there'd be some pretty creative names for Mary.... Think of the fear that kept joseph from believing.... but God understood and gave him a message.... and it was tough.... ultimately, fear hindered them both but didnt stop them.... but what if it had? Think about that the next time you KNOW you have to make a decission and you KNOW what that decission needs to be but you are scared to death.... just think that if fear ultimately won over Mary and Joseph.... think of what would have changed..... just think about it.... then ask yourself if you are ready to destroy something beautiful that God has planned. In so many cases the things God prepares for us is absolutely not logical in any way shape or form.... and these thoughts have been hitting me all day and then I was telling Kim the story of my car situation when I first moved here to VA. If you cant remember, look back on my blog.... very interesting times.... but here is the thing.... God had really provided for my needs as well as someone else's needs. There was alot of stupid stuff that happened.... and alot of dumb luck.... and I made decissions that made people go "what the heck is he doing... he is such an idiot and has no clue about anything" .... but I did what I believed.... and in the end..... well, let's just say this.... how many people can say "ummm.... I ended up with an extra car... what should I do with it?" Sure, the logical worldy answer is sell it.... but if God has opened a door and completely provided for your needs and gave you more than enough.... what is the best thing to do? Use the abundance to bless others.... it's what I did then.... and it's what I hope to do now. See thats the thing that no one realizes.... making the unpopular decissions is so many times the decission God wants us to make so that He can abundantly bless us. Sure I was called stupid.... yes, to my face.... but I stuck through with what I needed to do.... sure I was hurt by the reaction.... but I did what I believed I needed to do..... and what ended up happening? Well, in an amazing way, I ended up with being forgiven of a $2k loan in a time of more need.... So God provided for my needs, I used the abundance that He gave me to provide for someone else's needs (whether they wanted God to provide or not) and in the end, all it did was provide for another one of my needs....

So here's something on a more personal level that is really bugging me.... and I'm scared to death to post this because of being yelled at for it.... but I guess I need to do what I feel is right.... maybe this will somehow minister to someone else.... I dont know how, but then again, I never dreamed when I started this blog that I would get emails from complete strangers saying how much I have impacted their life.... so anyway, a few months before Tiff and I broke up, we were looking into ways for her to move to Virginia..... moving in with me was an option.... (before you say it, shut up).... it made sense in a lot of senses and I really prayed about it but the end was Tiff felt it was going to destory her dream of getting to Vet school.... amazingly, God clearly showed that being a VA resident only increased her chances of Vet School.... but then it was more of an issue of us living together..... now let me take a break here..... When someone says "God told me to _____ " you do have to be very skeptical.... but at the same time, you have to weight it against Biblical guidelines. There is nothing in the Bible that I could find that indicates a man and woman should not live in the same house/apartment.... However, it does say about temptation.... therefore, I have to say that most people shouldnt do it..... but, it is not Biblical wrong..... if someone tells you that "God said this is the 67th book of the Bible" then you immediately know its not because in Revelation is specifically states not to add or remove from the words of Scripture.... Relate this back to Mary and Joseph and think about it..... was there anything wrong with being pregnant before marriage? Well, no... there wasnt.... but sex before marriage is definately wrong. So put that into perspective.... an image was painted of a sinful act, but it really wasnt.... and this was the source of our Lord........ ok, so anyway, it was an issue of us living together.... So next thing I did was talk to my pastor because it was very important to see Tiffany's dreams come true... it was also very important that we were able to spend more time together to keep our relationship alive.... Mike told me he didnt agree with her moving in with me but he said he wasnt saying no but he was advising against it.... either way, Tiff had made up her mine and that was fine. So, Just like God gave Moses the option of taking Aaron along with him, God gave another option here.... Moses argued with God that he was not able to do what God had commanded. God became frustrated with Moses but then did bring Aaron along to go along side him.... God gave a second chance to Moses to be involved in this great thing God was about to do. So the second chance in this story... We were going to find someone at the church that Tiff could live with.... whether it be a family, room mate..... heck.... Mike even told me the church was looking for some office staff that Tiff could fill and actually have an income while getting ready for vet school.... It wasnt long after this that Tiff and I fell apart.... I started becomming an emotional basket case and I was too much for her to deal with.... I was getting worse because I didnt have her here with me and it seemed like she was .... well, it doesnt matter.... I felt rejected in the relationship and eventually, she said it had to end and she gave up..... and for the longest time I said that that must have been the way God meant it to be. Fear is what killed alot of hopes and dreams.... and I dont believe that things would still be as they are now if fear hadnt killed a relationship.... my fear of Tiff leaving me, and Tiff's fear of her parents rejecting her and her fear of commitment.....

Earlier I said that things arent as they should be and that is why I need to make some pretty tough decissions right now. No one likes to make tough decissions so thats where I'm at... but that is the extent of it.... I am extremely happy in my life right now..... And God is taking care of me and He is providing for me... and He is using me whether I am worthy of it or not.... in fact, I'm probably the least worthy of serving God.... I'm not even worthy of cleaning His toilets! So whats the problem? Well.... this isnt how God intended it.... not at all. I'm faced with the decission of staying in VA for my church for Christmas and being completely alone.... or I can go home and miss out on church.... so whats wrong? Well.... whats wrong is that Tiff isnt here..... I believe that Tiff and I both needed to get away from our families because they were both killing us.... nothing against the families (I really do love my family) but it was becoming stressful.... God was starting to do things in my life and in Tiff's life that just werent east for our families to accept... more so than that, there were HUGE hinderances to what God wanted us to do.... Basically, both families put alot of fear in us from doing the right things..... not that it was intentional.... it just happened.... bottom line is we needed out.... and I am out now and my dreams are coming true .... Sure, im not seemingly progressing too well on the goal of my life (having a great wife and kids) but I know God's setting up plan B (or maybe it's C or D... or Q) for my family.... The thing is this.... if Tiff was living in VA, by now she would have been completely comfortable here.... and I think that it would have been a no brainer that Tiff and I stay in VA for Christmas.... we'd have each other to spend time with and we would be here for New Life.... the ultimate reason why ALOT of people at New Life are now living in Northern VA. So there it is.... the no brainer.....

So now you've read this.... its out there in the public... and please think of me because I've probably just destroyed alot of hope of things working towards the direction that I had hoped them to.... It feels good to get this out there but I know I know I've pretty much.... well, lets just say I'm a bit worried about the results of this.... but the thing is.... if this post ministers to someone and touches someone.... maybe makes someone else feel a bit better... or shows them a way that they have been avoiding... well, then I guess any pain that I get because I posted this is all worth it. It's not about me.... its not about what I have.... its about what I can give.... and that is what is most important to me. I have alot of frustrations in my life... but the biggest one of all is when I see someone hurting and I cant do a single thing about it..... that is the worst frustration for me.

But people still may ask me what it is that I truly want for Christmas. If I could ask for one selfish thing for me for Christmas, what would it be? Honestly? It would be when I arrive back to my parents house this Thursday, I see Tiff sitting there waiting for me.... a big hug would be nice too.... but then again, that is the last thing possible that will happen.... especially after I posted this..... so I guess maybe I should ask for a second choice for my selfish thing that I could do for me..... Somehow, someway, see that Tiff's dreams are coming true and that she is once happy again.... but then again, I dont have control over that.... only she can make the decissions so I'm out of the loop....

So there.... there is alot of what has been on my mind.... alot of it tied together with things that God showed me today.... plenty of stuff in there to completely attack me with... plenty of stuff for people to come back on me about..... I'm sure there's stuff in there that people will make out to be that I'm a horrible Christian or that I'm an idiot.... or that I'm making stuff up.... or that I'm being too personal... or that I'm saying too much... or that I'm hurting myself or others or that I'm doing this or that..... but yaknow what? There is one thing that I have learned over the last few years.... its that all these people that continually tell me they are only trying to teach me a lesson have, in all reality, taught me one of the most important lessons of my life..... that it doesnt matter what others think...... Honestly... you want to attack me for something, go right ahead.... something tells me that your not gonna be the first and that your definately not going to be the last.... I'm not anywhere near worthy of being God's servant, but for some reason, I am.... and just like anyone else out there who really truly wants to serve God, I am on the same level as Mary, Joseph, Job, James, Mathew, Mark, etc, etc.... I follow what I believe and what God shows me and shares with me.... So go ahead.... there is a cross with my name on it.... it has all of the sins that I ever commited.... so nail me to it.... because when you do that, I know that I can look to the side and see Jesus hanging there on the cross next to me.... I can look in His eyes and ask Him to remember me.... He will then tell me that I will spend eternity with Him in Heaven.....

(It took me an hour to write this blog and may just be one of the top 10 longest posts I ever made - maybe even the longest - but I guess if you're reading this line here, you made it through and you truly are interested in my life and what thoughts I have on my mind. I dont suspect that I'll hear much from anyone tho because I would think most people have stopped about half way through this. If your reading this tho, please send me an email or post a comment and let me know.)

Sunday, December 18, 2005

It was a cool weekend. Lori and Kari came down yesterday beacuse they were going to Bon Jovi in DC last night with a group from my church.... I am on call this weekend so I couldnt go.... but I did go into DC to eat dinner with them.... today we went to church and then went to Tim's house to watch the Steelers game... it was a really good time I thought. I kinda wonder tho if sometimes I'm over excited about my church and this area and the people I know.

At any rate, I still dont know what I'm doing about Christmas.... I'm so torn. I want to be at New Life for the Christmas Eve and the Christmas services.... but yet I want to go home.... but then again, I sometimes feel so out of place at home because im getting so much more used to being here..... but if I stay here for Christmas, then outside of the church services, I'll be all alone for Christmas.....

Sadly, I'm realizing that things arent like they should be right now and that is why I need to make this decission..... I'll have to touch on that a little bit later.....
"He brings us alongside someone else who is going through tough times so we can be there for them the same way God was there for us"
looking straight at the light
it never used to be that bright last night
but it's a new day with fuzz in my eyes
alarm is still ringing when I open the blinds
how do these people do it
they are like driving around like there's nothing to it
I imagine it's like the medication their on
or probably just the coffee but
one thing is certain in life
and that is that today I'm going to eat cereal
I mean come on let's get our priorities straight
but before I know it I'm out the door late
just trying to catch some rat or some race
or something I'm not quite sure what it is
so for now I just best keep moving
and by nine a.m. my brain and my body
finally decide to meet
and we come to the same conclusion as yesterday
that I never get enough sleep

sleep, no I never get enough
always waking up tired
sleep, no I never get enough
if I don't show up I might get fired
sleep, no I never get enough
always waking up tired
sleep, no I never get enough
if I don't show up I might get fired

they call it commuting
but I think they should call it intravenous
cause it's what I need every time I get
stuck behind a truck, just trying to turn left
just trying to turn left, why are you trying to turn left
why don't you park your silly cube van
hop in I'll drop you off
cause at this rate we'll both be late
but I'd rather be late than sitting here doing nothing
and by nine a.m. my brain and my body
finally decide to meet
and we come to the same conclusion as yesterday
that I never get enough sleep

sleep go on and sleep some more
sleep go on and sleep some more

"Sleep" by Riley Armstrong

Saturday, December 17, 2005

I have to say.... I am so completely content with my life..... I'm really happy!

Things are working out well for me right now. Sure there is a few frustrations, but life without them is just plain boring. Maybe I dont have everything I wanted or everything I expected to have right now.... but the truth is that I'm probably happier than if I had everything I wanted.

What reason is there to complain? Some great things are happening and I know God is going to use me, and already is.
Something thats always kind of got me is how much other people affect us.... I mean that as a question. Ultimately it seems like decissions the OTHER make will drastically affect our own lives.... and in reality, this is very true in my life. Sometimes I guess it's hard for others to stick by you and when they chose to leave its out of your control.... does it mean that God's ultimate plan was for them to leave.... I dont think it always does.... but this I'm sure of... if you follow your heart and dont let anything stand in your way for following it (especially fear), then God will always take care of you..... and I think if someone else screws up God's ultimate plan for your life, it only pays off more for you because God will make it even better.

Actually... the more I think about this, it really seems that sometimes God allows you to change back to a certain way of thinking just to give someone else another shot.... We know that God is all about second and third (and more) chances.... but I think that sometimes He wont let that chance be given to someone else through us. I've seen this in relationships and I've seen this in jobs. I find myself coming back to a person or a job or whatever else and that lasts for a time..... and I guess that maybe those times are when God is giving that person/company a window of opportunity to change something..... but what holds them back? Probably a number of things.... I think fear is the absolute destruction of following God. You have to take so many steps of faith to be in tune with God.... and if your affraid of the unknown and you constantly ask yourself "what-ifs", then you simply arent going to make it until you learn to do that. People have taken chances on me.... people have given up on me.... and whether they followed God's will or not is not for me to decide.... did it drastically affect me? Very much so! But the thing is that in the end, things have become better or are becoming better. Look at Carpathia.... I had to make some very drastic decissions.... and actually, I changed my way of thinking quite a few times.... and I really believe those were all at God's lead and part of God's plan for letting Carpathia resolve things that needed resolved.... and what happened? Well... Carpathia took that chance on me, gave me a raise, etc.... and here I am.... working for Carpathia and loving it.... but what would have happened if I never followed God's lead and gave my two weeks notice on a complete step of faith? What if Carpathia didnt decide to take a chance on me? Life is all about taking chances and stepping out in faith and following your heart. You can not, in any way, except others to make the decissions for you. If you want to follow God you absolutely have to step out in faith and say "Ok God, this is what I believe you are telling me.... so here goes" ... And if your heart really believes that I think even if you are wrong, God is going to honor it because you actually took that step with the right heart and He'll make sure He takes care of you.

Where I'm at right now.... I cant imagine having a tug at my heart that I'm too affraid to make known.... I dont know how I would or even could handle that. God has prepared me so much to take these huge steps and huge leaps and to ignore what others think of me.... if I was affraid to follow God's lead, I just dont know how I would survive.... I really think the greatest blessing that God has given me over the last year is the growth of my faith. I have alot of room to improve.... but the increase is great. I really do think it's the greatest blessing I have right now.... Even better than my new friends, my new church, etc, etc.... all extremely awesome blessings.... but knowing that God is going to take care of me and being able to take steps of faith is, by far, the greatest blessing I have right now.

Are you afraid to take a step that God wants you to take? The only way your going to build your faith is to just do it.... see what happens..... and if you fall flat on your face, then so what? You get right back up and go again..... but God help you if you dont take that step of faith and have to live with that decission for the rest of your life....

Just some thoughts on my mind right now.... its way past my bedtime for a Friday night so I'm headed there right now. Have a great weekend everyone! I love you all!

Friday, December 16, 2005

So the nicer I am to people, the more I get screwed..... but if I'm less nice to people, I feel guilty which is just as bad. I really sometimes wish I was just an asshole..... they make it so far in life and it seems they never stress out like I do.... But I guess thats not what God wants me to be......

Im kinda down again tonight. Dont take my post earlier the wrong way.... the Christmas party was really cool and really nice. Carpathia really put alot into and it was awesome.... I guess I just dont really fit in with them that well..... Maybe its because I dont work close enough with them.... or maybe its just because I'm a different person...... And its not that its a bad thing to work with them.... but I'm not like them.... I dont have the same interests.... Maybe I am just a scape goat..... people ask the world of me and I give willingly because it makes me happy.... but then those same people have no cares about my needs.... Even if something is justifiable.... Im the type of person that seems to not be able to do anything right.... I can do something wrong in someone's eyes, I correct it, and then I'm wrong for the way I corrected it.... not matter about the motive of me wanting to resolve the issue.... Its hard.... And then I get people that just send me emails and stuff saying "things arent good... please pray for me" .... and its not that I wont pray for them and that I dont care.... but if thats all I ever hear without even knowing whats going on or what I'm even praying about you kind of start to feel "used" in a way.

Granted, I ask for prayer alot on my blog and in emails to my friends.... but I always follow that up with what happened and how things are working and I always try to keep relationships open with all of the people that read this (at least the ones I know of) and the people I email.... and if any of them (you) have needs, I want to hear about them.... The Body of Christ is all about sharing needs.... It's a TEAM in the best sense of the word. A corporation works best when all members of the team work together and share the work load and help each other out.... As the Body of Christ, we need to take that a step higher. I dont want to be someone who dishes out my needs to everyone but doesnt want to hear whats going on in other's lives.... the thing is I want to be involved and I want those who are praying for me to be involved as well..... Galatians 6:2 - "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" .

This afternoon I was extremely content.... and maybe I still am.... but I did have my feelings hurt quite a few times tonight.... and its tough to swallow that so I guess I'm a little out of it right now.... but dont we all have those times? Honestly, I am content. I am liking my job.... I'm moving next month, I'm getting a new car next week, and I've met a really awesome girl who is actually interested in me as well as alot like me.... Doesnt mean we're gonna go out or anything but its nice to feel like you are wanted and that someone is actually interested in seeing how things go.... Even if this was the last day I talked to her, it would still be great knowing she was interested..... Who knows? Maybe things will go really well..... That is all up to God.... the point is that I am content with my life right now.... very content. One of my favorite songs is by John Reuben and is called "All I Have" .... in that song there is a line that really hits home.... "Whoever thought that being content was the dream come true" .... Well, this sums it up I think. We look for the stars and stress ourselves out over it... and thats not the way we should do things. God may give us the stars, but its not something we're gonna have to work at. I mean... I really wanted a Tiburon and it looked good for getting it.... but now that I'm getting this Elantra, I'm really happy about it.... maybe even more happy than if I got the Tiburon.... and jobs? Heck, we all know how I've been going crazy over jobs.... and really, there was a real need to look and it was through some of that that things got better.... I followed God's lead of putting my 2 weeks in at Carpathia even tho I had nowhere else to go.... and we now see why. I'd still be working for the same salary here at Carpathia right now if I didnt follow God's lead..... but now its like I have to realize that its time to be content... God has met my needs and He will continue to do so..... If I got an $80k job, it would probably be harder to swallow going into full time ministry later (which I think God is going to lead me to at some point).... so sometimes being content really is the dream that we dont think to dream about. We (as humans) are always so stressed out anymore.... and the thing is, alot of the times we do it to ourselves.... not all the time, but sometimes we really do.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Ok I'm really out of it..... Here at the Christmas party and really would rather be at work......
Here it is:

So next week a 2003 Hyundai Elantra will be mine.... stick shift and sun roof (what more do you need :) and only 4k miles on it!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I find myself wondering how Tiff is doing right now. I'm worried about how she is taking her grandpa's death..... I guess the thing that kills me most is I can't be there for her.... But I guess I can't make the decission of whether she wants me to be there for her or not...... And I guess she doesn't so ill move on.... I just wish I knew how she was tho.....
I got this message last night and it really hit me.... Im glad to hear these words because, to me, it means that I'm accomplishing at least some of what I want to. Anyway, I changed some things in it to conceal the idenity and etc and I asked this person if I could post this and he said it was ok. Maybe this might speak to you too?

I don't like to talk about it, but before I was "out" to anyone, I did have a friend that I met through another friend and he happened to be gay and he killed himself because he couldn't handle the pressure anymore. I question my actions with the whole situation because he confided in me and I freaked out because I wasn't ready to admit I was gay also....if I wouldn't have freaked out he may still be alive today and that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Shortly afterwards I made several attempts myself until I realized I could make a difference to someone else.

I am the man who stopped attending church because the doors were closed on "mykind" and I realized I couldn't serve their God because I didn't want to be anything like them if it meant turning people away.

The thing that means the most to me is your support and encouragement. Although it's to late for me to go back, I am glad that there is someone there for those who are like me and that in itself means alot to me.

You Bob, are going to make a difference in your life and make an impact to God's family, you Bob are a true Christian at heart.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I'm really not feeling good. I thought it was a caffeine headache but now that its more than just a headache I guess not :(

Monday, December 12, 2005

So tonight I got that call.... I made my decission.... I hung up the phone..... and immediately started going "why.... why did you do that?" .... then God confirmed I made the right decission.

So what happened? Well, Rackables FINALLY called and he said that he talked to HR and he said they won't do the signing bonus..... he said there is a possibility of doing something after your first quarter but that is down the road.... salary still isnt coming up.... I told him I would have to pass..... He wished me the best and that was that.

So yea, it was tough turning down that job.... but I knew I had to.... but it was tough... and when you turn down more money, you always want to justify it.... I wanted to figure out how to justify it but I didnt have to... God did it for me :)

I called my friend that works for Rackables and he told me that he was completely with me.... He said he did the math Friday even tho he told himself he wasnt going to and he worked 138 hours in the last two weeks..... and on top of this, he found out that new manager (same one that was trying to hire me) is trying to find a way to pay him less..... I'm not against working 65 hour weeks..... but I am against it for what they were going to pay me..... So not only did I turn down this job with Rackables but it looks like they are going to start losing employees..... So, that confirms it.... I made the right decission.

As for a car... I dunno right now.... I'm going to call my friend Bruce that was working with me on the car options and see if I can get a cheaper car in the loan I was aproved for.... Having a new car would be a great benefit but without taking this new job, it's not as much of a requirement.... I figure I can put the money into fixing the Samurai and making it legal in VA so I can go back to my two beater plan..... God will provide those needs..... I'm sure of that.

Oh and by the way... this ends my active search for a job. Im done stressing myself out over this. If another opportunity comes about without me looking, I'll then look into it.... but someone will have to call me and tell me it's available. I really am enjoying my job at Carpathia again and financially I'm on the right path I think since I did get the raise and I'm moving in with Keith to cut expenses so at the moment, there isnt a need to actively look.... if a better opportunity arises, then we'll cross that bridge then.... but I cant keep stressing myself out over this... I'm content so I'll just stay here for now..... I'll focus on getting things going with my church and stuff and just enjoy my life....

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Its getting really tough to stay positive.....

I'm currently accepting applications for these positions:
* Someone to come with me to the Carpathia Christmas party on Thurs
* Someone to go to see Trans Siberian Orchestra with me on the 22nd
* Someone to kiss me on New Years

So far.... none of the above are looking good.... and the lower on the list, the less likely they are......
'Bout time the Steelers win!!!!!! :)

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Its been a long time since I felt this way and the only thing popping into my head right now is how I made it this far.... I mean.... This way I feel right now.... this is what I lived day to day.... I dont understand how I still kept the will to live.... or at least the fear to end it all..... It's a horrible feeling when you feel like there is no one around you, that you get used by everyone, that no one cares..... etc.... Many people out there are so quick to say "snap out of it" but they dont understand.... they cant.... they never lived it. Nathan and I are gonna do something later.... I still dunno whats up with Kim or Becca... I know Kim just moved and Becca's probably busy.... I just hope that I can snap out of this.....
Really not doing too well emotionally right now. I really hope I get to hang out Nate, Kim, and Becca tonight.... but im kinda having my doubts.... I havent heard from Kim or Becca since Sunday.... Nate mentioned something last night about doing something but I dunno..... I just need some time to relax and do something and get my mind off of my heart being continually crushed over and over again.

And yes, some of this is regarding Tiff.... she text'd me today.... first I've heard from her at all since she got back from Wolf Park.... her grandpa passed away..... but she didnt text me for that... she just wanted to let me know that she was letting her parents use her phone while they went to SC.... which is fine.... but I she has another cell phone too apparently..... I guess I've had hope for a while that she would start wanting to talk to me and stuff but now I guess I'm seeing that only the opposite is true.... she doesnt need me.... she doesnt want me..... so why do I sit here and get myself worked up over this? I dunno.... something isnt right.... Maybe Tiff and I never will have a relationship again.... but it is killing me that she totally threw are relationship away and it seems like she decieved me and in a way, she used me.....

And now the emails start pouring in about "Bob why are you even thinking of her...." blah blah blah........ if thats whats on your mind, then you just stop reading my blog and leave me alone.... Its obvious that you dont understand any more than I do..... and I'm tired of hearing it...... Whether Tiff is the one for me or not, there are issues that need taken care of..... I treasure so many memories with Tiff but I'm really starting to feel cursed about the whole thing..... Someday I'll figure it out... Someday God will show me why Tiff is still in my mind and why I cant get her out..... And maybe someday everyone that attacks me regarding tiff will learn to shut the hell up and leave me alone.

Im glad it's the weekend.... I think.....
She lost her love, tore the picture of the one she thought of
She's alone again but it's worse than it's never been

She hurts so bad down and out, she feels the pain of a broken heart
She hurts so bad she feels the pain of a broken heart
The black rain falls, the river runs red
Like a crown of thorns to my head

She holds the cross in her hand but she feels so could and lost
Take a look inside, nowhere to run, no place to hide

She never told a lie, put her faith in love, never compromised
She had a heavy gun but she tied her strings, she never come undone

"Thorns" by Bride
So much for having a good weekend..... I love finding stuff out that just crushes your heart. *sigh*
This sleep thing isn't going well.... Too much on my mind :(

Friday, December 09, 2005

Never in my life have I used these 4 letters with so much emphasis:


I can wait to get tonight's shift and tomorrow shift out of the way and just forget about everything for the weekend.... I thought that I'd have a clear idea of what was going on with Rackables and with a car and such but I'm less sure now than I was the start of the week.... I just want things to settle down... at least for a little bitting..... its pretty stressful.... and I feel bad beacause there are alot of people that need my computer help but I just dont have the time right now.....

Looking forward to church on Sunday.... I am every week but especially this week..... Maybe I might even get to hang out with some friends tomorrow night? That would be nice.......
tech support: what's your password?
user: ******
tech support: .....
user: really, it's ******. now you don't even know if i'm really stupid or really smart.

First real snow of the season!!! We're supposed to get like 6" (18cm for my Romanian viewers) in the next 24 hours and half of that before sunrise...... Skiing season is here....... Hmmmm.... Wait..... I gotta drive home now....... Should be fun! :)

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Thursday, December 08, 2005

Ok its freaking cold.... Something in the fire alert system in the data center is tripping an alarm so we are all standing outside freezing...... This is fun......
When things seem the worst, God *WILL* turn it around!

I just got off the phone with Mike (my pastor)... He called to thank me for fixing the laptop for the church and stuff.... this is one of the things I was kinda bugged about last night.... but it wasnt really that I was bugged about IT... I was just bugged about all that has been going on.

Its no secret that I have been down the last few days.... I havent been getting much sleep and alot has been dumped on my plate... and like any human, I started really falling into the downward spiral.... but its not that God stopped watching or caring.... He knew what was going on.... and in just one phone call from my pastor, I feel better than anyone can even imagine.

There are alot of changes coming my way.... ALOT.... and I honestly am really excited about all of them..... but like any human, change scares me.... Granted, I am becoming alot more able to handle change because, quite frankly, my life always changes inside this plan that God has for me..... but I think that maybe I was subconciously getting scared of what the future holds. Alot of things on a personal level have been bugging me... I am struggling with some things that I have been struggling for years.... temptations are strong.... yet I know that they are strong because satan knows some great things are ahead and nothing would make him happier than destroying those great things.... but I'm going to stand strong. Sometimes I do feel like I'm alone and that is a big struggle.... the fact that I havent heard from Tiff since she has been home is killing me..... Its hard for me to understand why it is that she just left it all go.... Yes, I miss her and I miss the times I had with her.... and I have alot of regrets of things I have done in that relationship.... and I also feel alot of pain from the things she did in it.... but its hard when someone you care about sooooo much just disappears out of your life.... sometimes its for a season and sometimes its for the better.... I know that its best that I was single to go through what I went through..... if I wasnt, things would have come out differently... but when someone means that much to you, you still would at least like to keep them in the loop.... but that hasnt happened.... it even seems that she has me on her block list on AIM or something....Havent seen her on AIM in over a month.... I dont know.... I mean, whatever is going on there is whats best and is something that God sees.... Whats in the future? Heck if I know on that aspect.... Sure, I'd still love to marry her.... but if thats not in God's plan, then I'm not going to argue with it.... But the bottom line is that I miss her alot.... and that may be what has been creeping up into my lonliness feeling.... and its not like it used to be where I can't live without her.... I can, and I will.... but I miss her being around. I'm glad that I've reached a point where I can function without having her or even having any girlfriend at all.... but it feels almost as if a relative dies.... Your life goes on without them.... you know you can live without them and you do just fine.... but you still miss them.... and I guess thats how I feel right now.... so that is something that has been going on.... So it feels good to get that off of my chest.....

I'm feeling alot better now.... Talking with Mike has really helped me put alot of things in perspective... and its kinda funny that it wasnt really even anything he said... all I had to do was listen to what I said... and I realized that things are really working out for me and I really believe I am on the edge of something great. It looks like I got a great job offer coming, it looks like I'm going to actually be getting the car of my dreams (aside from a Suzuki Jimny :), I'm gonna be moving in with a really good friend and cutting some costs while having someone closer to me..... but above all else.... God has something going on for His Kingdom too.... There is no mistake that I am at New Life.... and there is no doubt that God is going to do (well, already doing) something great with that church.... and I am a part of whatever that is..... That is by far the greatest thing in my life right now.

So I'm up for the second time today :) ... and it is a new day.....
Another day.... I'm up.... but I think I'm gonna go back to bed for a while..... I'm so lonely.... I dont understand how you can supposedly mean so much to someone and then its all of a sudden the easiest thing in the world to treat me like I dont exist..... I wish I had something to offer someone..... but I'm sure there is a good reason why every girl always leaves me.... and promises? They dont mean much apparently..... "I'll never leave you" only means "I'm gonna set this up so when I leave you it hurts even more"....


Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Ummm .... So God definately did something..... I got an approved loan for a car..... Not the "rebuild your credit while we rape you" offers I get in the mail..... A real loan from a real bank through a real dealership..... Now I just have to get the offer from rackables and the sign on bonus and I should be driving a 2005 Hyundai Tiburon GT :)

At least I got something to smile about tonight.
It's amazing how hard you can get kicked while your already down..... I dont know why I ever bother to help people.... Well, ok, yes I do... its what I want to do.... but sometimes.... eh.... I guess I'm just not good enough to help? *sigh* I hate this feeling of worthlessness..... I try my best.... thats really all I can do..... And these feelings of lonliness and like being an outcast... I hate them.... maybe I'm over reacting again but when history seems it always repeats it's self, isnt it legitament to be affraid of being left alone again? Maybe everyone is busy.... But I guess thats part of life.... most people are always too busy for me.... even all my girlfriends were always too busy for me.... Once I give all the good that I can give, then everyone is done with me.... and I'm left alone until I regain myself and give all of myself again only for those people to be done with me......

I'm really out of it...... I know good things are on the way.... I'm sure of that.... but it's so hard not to have anyone to share those good times with... or anyone to hang out with or talk to..... I guess thats why I miss Lock Haven so much.... for the first time in my life, someone was there for me every day..... Something I never had and, the way things are going, may never have again.....
Well I got my car.... and we didnt get taking for a big ride..... thankfully my parents helped me out..... It's still kinda hard to swallow the price of auto service down here but I honestly did fear it was gonna cost alot more..... I think this incident kinda makes me realize that a new car is probably an intelligent purpose and not just a want..... Lets hope we hear from Rackables soon and get things rolling!
7am and I still can't sleep.... I even took some xanax with no results. I'm feeling so anxious right now..... All the stuff on my mind.... Plus I'm worried the garage my car is at is gonna take us for a ride.... Please pray the don't.

I hope I can fall asleep soon......
I'm laying here in bed and I still can't sleep.... A lot on my mind.... I don't understand why my mind has been racing so much..... All of a sudden an Alabama song came on the radio and I thought back to working at Lock Haven Pizza Hut.... There were a lot of good memories from my time at LHU.... And I miss it more than anyone realizes..... I miss being able to see Tiff every day.... Someone I could be around everyday.... I don't understand what's going on with me..... All these thoughts are starting to make me feel anxious for some reason.... I don't understand why all of this is creeping up on me.... Why do I feel this way? I believe I'm on the edge of really great things happening.... Why am I feeling like this? Especially after being fine for so long.... Am I just getting to the threshold of what I can handle..... But if that's the case, why is it so much of my past that is just filling my mind.... Why do I desire what was so badly even tho there seems to be no chance of any of those things coming to be again..... And would that even be the best or would those good things from my past only lead me to disaster again..... Only set me up for more pain? I guess in a way it seems that the better things get for me, the harder it is for me because it only shows me even stronger the fact that I have no one to share those good things with.......

I really need to sleep.... I hope I can fall asleep soon :(

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

So this sucks..... My car ends up having to go to a garage anyway..... so we're not saving any money and my dad wasted a trip and alot of time and gas coming down here..... :( Hopefully tomorrow things will be ok and they'll get the car fixed and they wont charge us an arm and a leg..... I really feel bad.
I'm really feeling bad again :( My dad came down and him and I were not able to get the clamp from the old hose off.... he ended up having to bring me to work and he is so frustrated.... I wish I could just afford to spend the $120 just so he wouldnt have to deal with it.... Nathan said he is gonna take a ride out there tonight and see if he can help.... I dont know what else to do.... I feel so helpless.....
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You absolutely have to love this company. They by far have the best practices I have seen anywhere.... and their innovation truly is innovation. Anyway, this is a good article to read. I dont think people realize what it is that is behind the web page that virtually everyone visits multiple times a day.
Ok.... its a new day today.... I got plenty of sleep.... let's do this! :)

Dad should be here in about an hour.... let's have faith that we'll get this car fixed and everything will be fine :)

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
Theres pictures of you and I on the walls around me the way that it was and should have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

Would it help if i turned a sad song on
"All by Myself" would sure hit me hard, now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.


Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with this pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

mmhmm mm

"Tonight I Wanna Cry" by Keith Urban

Monday, December 05, 2005

You know what is killing me even more? This is my first apartment and the only times anyone came to visit me were when I begged.... Not even my local friends come visit me.... Heck, even when I was dating Tiff it was the hardest thing ever to convince her to come visit me..... And she was only down here like 3 times in the 5 months we were together while I lived in VA..... And now I will not have my own apartment anymore.... I'm looking forward to having a room mate..... Maybe because I'd actually be around someone..... But, yes, I'm gonna miss having my own place.... But really, what does it matter if no one is here to share it with..... I couldn't even share it with my girlfriend while I had one....... No ones really interested in my place..... Are they even interested in me? Maybe people are scared of me or I just annoy people.... I don't know...... But I have no one to share any of the joy in my life with......
I feel like I've let a lot of people down. I shouldn't have to have my dad come down here and bail me out.... I should have been able to buy a better vehicle so I didn't leave Kim stranded at the airport.... All the times I let Tiff down.... All the people I have borrowed money from..... I don't want to be a helpless person..... I want to help people but it seems like I hurt people more than I help them..... And I can't help but think that is why I keep losing friends and why no one would want to spend their life with me......

I just want to help people.... That's all.
This is definately one of those nights I wish I could just turn my mind off..... My mind is just racing and racing.....

at least I'm finally in the tow truck and warm. So what happened was I was just sitting at a red light waiting to turn and all of a sudden steam started pouring out from under my hood and then I could smell anti freeze.... I know enough about cavaliers to know that you don't stop and think about what to do.... You just shut them off so they don't over heat. So I called AAA and the sheriff to come sit behind my car..... The tow truck beat the sheriff... I love our police forces down here.... If they can't turn it into a money making citation, they don't bother.

So anyway, I guess dad is coming down tomorrow morning. I called the one garage I deal with sometimes and they quoted me $125 for a radiator hose..... My dad argued with me when I told him it would cost $50..... He just can't seem to realize that this isn't PA...... Hopefully it is just a hose and dad and I can fix it.... Otherwise, who knows.... God will provide somehow..... He always does no matter how scared I am..... Please keep me in your prayers.
So here I am along the side of the road..... Car broke down.....
Two days past eighteen
He was waiting for the bus in his army green
Sat down in a booth in a cafe there
Gave his order to a girl with a bow in her hair
He's a little shy so she gives him a smile
And he said would you mind sittin' down for a while
And talking to me,
I'm feeling a little low
She said I'm off in an hour and I know where we can go

So they went down and they sat on the pier
He said I bet you got a boyfriend but I don't care
I got no one to send a letter to
Would you mind if I sent one back here to you

Chorus: I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone when the letter said
A soldier's coming home

So the letters came from an army camp
In California then Vietnam
And he told her of his heart
It might be love and all of the things he was so scared of
He said when it's getting kinda rough over here
I think of that day sittin' down at the pier
And I close my eyes and see your pretty smile
Don't worry but I won't be able to write for awhile


One Friday night at a football game
The Lord's Prayer said and the Anthem sang
A man said folks would you bow your heads
For a list of local Vietnam dead
Crying all alone under the stands
Was a piccolo player in the marching band
And one name read and nobody really cared
But a pretty little girl with a bow in her hair



"Traveling Soldier" by Dixie Chicks
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Sunday, December 04, 2005

The Steelers are making me want to move out of Pittsburgh.... er.... wait a min.....
"A thankful heart is not just the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues."
It's kind of a weird feeling when your watching TV and for some reason your actually watching the string of commercials and you realize that every company advertised in that string is a company you either worked for or interviewed with.....

I guess I've done alot.... and Im sure there is more to come.... but it's my friends and family that are there for me helping me through it all. I heard "Baby Girl" by Sugarland today on the radio and it was kind of a reassurance to me (I'll put the lyrics at the bottom of this post). I pray that one day I will be able to give back to all of those people that helped me out. People that read my blog and my emails always wanting to know whats up... showing that they care.... my family who is just unbelivable.... and my friends..... so many friends to thank.... All of my friends back in PA that are still with me.... people that taught me a lot and still continue to teach me.... and all of my new friends down here. Keith has done so much in helping me get down here and help get me adjusted and helping me with jobs and stuff.... and my friends from church who are just really welcoming and really care about me.... and, heck, my church it's self. Maybe I am doing some cool things and I'll be doing some great things.... but really its not me.... its the people in my life helping me and it's a loving God above watching over me and guiding me in the right directions even tho it may seem that I'm going in circles.....

Maybe it's true that I'm dealing with alot of lonliness right now.... Not having that special girl in my life is tough.... but its not unbearable and its not like I can not live without her.... It's tough this time of year for me but its something I can pull through and be just fine... and learn alot on the way.

I dont know where I'll be next year.... next month.... next week..... heck, I dont know where I'll be in the next day.... but I know that I'll be led by God and that I will have a group of amazing friends and family there for me where.... wherever that might be.

"Baby Girl" by Sugarland

They say this town the stars stay up all night,
well I don't know, can't see em,
through glow of the neon lights
well its a long way from here,
to the place where the home fires burn,
well its two thousand miles and one left turn...

Dear Mom and Dad please send money,
I'm so broke that it ain't funny,
well I dont need much just enough to get me through,
please dont worry cause I'm alright,
see I'm playing here at the bar tonight
well in this town I'm going to make our dreams come true.
well I love you more than anything in the world,
Love your baby girl

black top, blue skies big town full of little white lies,
everybodys your friend, you can never be sure,
they'll promise fancy cars and diamond rings and all sorts of shiny things,
but girl you'll remember what your knees are for

Dear Mom and Dad please send money,
I'm so broke that it ain't funny,
well I dont need much just enough to get me through,
please dont worry cause I'm alright,
see I'm playing here at the bar tonight
well in this town I'm going to make our dreams come true.
well I love you more than anything in the world,
love your baby girl

I know that I'm on my way,
I can tell everytime I play,
I'll know that it's worth all the dues I payed when I can write to you and say:

Dear Mom and Dad I'll send money
I'm so rich that it ain't funny
well it ought to be more than enough to get you through
please dont worry becasue I'm alright
see I'm staying here at the Ritz tonight
what do ya know it made our dreams come true
and there are fancy cars and diamond rings
but you know that they dont mean a thing
cause they all add up to nothing compared to you,
well remember me in ribbons and curls,
I still love you more than anything in the world,
Love your baby girl

Your baby girl
(Dear Mom and Dad please send money,
I'm so broke that it ain't funny,
well I dont need much just enough to get me through)
Your baby girl
(please dont worry cause I'm alright,
see I'm playing here at the bar tonight
-dreams come true.)

Friday, December 02, 2005

So I called my one contact at Rackables to see what he thought about asking them for a sign on bonus and he flat out told me not to accept the salary they offered me. Apparently I am highly wanted by the field services team and he said with the job requirments and my skills, I am worth a lot more. I sent an email to the person making the offer and told him I was looking at numbers and wasn't sure about the offer..... We'll see what happens. Sure I guess this is a risk but my whole last year has been risk after risk and God is taking care of me and I have friends surrounding me that are helping me in tremendous ways.
Just a quick update before I leave for work.

I talked to Rackables for a long time today.... things are looking good! They are going to have me an official offer either tonight or Monday. This offer will not be the salary I was asking for but is definately a salary that I feel is more than fair... especially since the benefits are much better than what I have now (especially medical) as well as I will have stock options.... for a growing company like Rackables, this is an amazing thing. I think that I am going to ask if they could possible give me a signing bonus... reason is that this job will require alot of travel.... Although I know my Cavalier is a solid car right now, I dont know if it's the best option for me to still be using a 1993 car with 130k miles on it for a job like what I will (most likely) be taking..... So, a new car is something that I need to consider.... this is a hard thing for me to consider right now because of the cost associated with it.... I would need to have a car payment and my insurance would be alot higher because of full coverage plus it being a new car.... and you have to consider the 3% annual tax that VA charges for cars that are worth over $1k.... So its a big bite but its something that I think is justified..... The salary will be higher but also my costs will be lower because I will be moving in with Keith in January..... not to mention that with the traveling, when I am away from home, all of my meals will be reimbursed.... I'm looking at a 2005 Hyundai Tiburon.... my friend Bruce at Cochran up in Monroeville (PA) can get me a real nice GT model for under $18k.... it'll have my sound system in it as well as leather and sun roof :) Plus they are economical cars.... MPG isnt quite as high as my Cavalier because it is a V6 but its still in mid-20s for highway.... So I think it's justified but if anyone thinks that it is not, please let me know.... I definately have meen trying to be better with my money and I am content with my Cavalier but with all the traveling that will be required, I think a new car may be justified.

Well, I have to leave for work now.... I'll keep you guys posted more. Thanks for your continued prayers! I love you all!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Bloggers Break Sony

See.... Us Bloggers DO serve a purpose :)
Heh... Wal-Mart finally called from my complaint a week ago (this is after the email I got from wal mart said they would call in 3 days).... and of course, nothing was done.... "thanks for bringing it to our attention"

I'm gonna start my own retail store :) The smaller a company is, the better service you get..... thats pretty much a proven fact.... and with Wal Mart... they are way too big... they dont care... why would they?
CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years