Thursday, March 31, 2005

I am so emotionally numb that its not even funny. Nothing is exciting me anymore.... I'm just merely exsisting. I am struggling again with my "problems" as a result and..... I'm just not happy. There has been so much stress in my life recently that I think my mind has just built up a defense again.... the only way to avoid feeling pain sometimes is to go numb.... and in a way, I think thats what happened. So much has happened to me... I almost lost what I need the most and ive just built up a defense. I hate this simply exsisting feeling.... it's misserable. I want to have some excitement... I want something to make me happy....
Me Love You Long Time by ruby mae
Your name
Your partner
You two areInseperable
Your meeting was byAnswered prayer
They are yourSoulmate
You are theirSoulmate
Your love willLast for all eternity
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Ive been really out of it all day.... just kinda down. i was kinda like this yesterday too..... i dunno whats up..... kinda wish i had something to do this weekend but i dont. i hope i just get through this night and wake up feeling better..... wish i could sleep for a week tho..... *sigh*
Im not doing so well with my struggles :( Please keep me in your prayers.... I cant let this win over me again.....
Movie I want to see:

Sunday, March 27, 2005

So Darby comes down to see the baby lobsters and her and uncle Tim visit for a while.... a little while later I hear "There's a baby" ... I look in the one tank and, yes, yes, there is....

Right now there is only one baby but it seems as tho the one fish is still kinda big so im expecting that there is more on the way.....

What an Easter :)
So I arrived at my parents house last night around 11pm.... I havent been to bed yet.... why? well.... let me show you:

So I started doing my typical tank maintence on the african cichlind tank. My parents do the feeding and stuff but wait for me to come home to do the hard stuff (not that I mind... I love all aspects of fish keeping). So I start off by giving the cichlids a treat. I chopped up some brocolli and tossed it in the tank. Then I sat next to the tank to watch them eat it.... all of a sudden this little itty bitty tiny thing runs out from under a rock, grabs a piece of brocolli, and pulls it back under the rock. I'm like what the heck was that..... it really took me by surprise.... so I started trying to figure out what it was... eventually he peeked out again and I saw that it was a baby lobster.

Both of our lobsters in that tank have been extremely shy for the last month. They never came out in the open. Apparently we now know why. As a result of all this I knew I had to get those babies out of that tank. The cichlids would have them for a midnight snack once they decided to start coming out of the rocks more (which apparently they were starting to do). At this point it is after midnight and of course easter. No fish store is going to be open for at least 24 hours.... thankfully Wal Mart was open.... so I went and bought a tank and all the needed equipment for another tank. I started taking all of the rocks out of the cichlid tank while my mom stood by with a net to chase any fish away that might have caught eye of a baby. After taking all of the rocks and decorations out I found that we had two babies. Unfortunately, mommy didnt make it. Dad is still hanging out with the cichlids and the babies are now in their new home.

Anyway, I have a mess here... fish stuff laying all over the living room and dinning room.... Im gonna get that cleaned up and get my butt to bed....

Happy Easter everyone! HE IS RISEN!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, March 25, 2005

Thursday, March 24, 2005

It's amazing how much stress can take a toll on your body. I am starting to get sick again.... Its really not that cold outside but I was cranking the heat on the way to and from dinner like it was 10 outside.... My cold is coming back with a vengance too..... Im just really not feeling good right now.... Most people say they need a vacation because work gets rough.... but I just plain need a vacation.... work is great... I just need a period of time where I can just easily relax and not worry about anything.... I havent had that in a while.... probably not since Whiteface over a year ago.....

..... I just need a break.... just need to let my body catch up..... *sigh*
I'm so scared.... I still havent heard from Tiff.... I cant help but thinking her mom got pissed at her and now she isnt allowed to talk to me.... or maybe something bad happened to her like she got hurt or something.... Im so scared.... I just want to burst into tears.... Please keep her in your prayers.......
Im at work now... a little concerned because I havent heard from Tiff today.... I sent her a text message but no response. I woke up early today so I wouldnt miss her call so Im pretty sure I didnt miss it. I just hope everything is ok. I love her so much.
Well.... I failed again :( But the goal now is to convince myself that it's not over because I failed. Its hard to beat this stuff but because of the Power that God has given me, I will overcome it. Please keep praying for me.

On a side note, my DSL will be installed in a week or two :) Now let's just hope I can get a signal from Dish Network.
Hey I have internet again..... isnt that nice? I only pay $90 a month for TV and internet... why would I want to use it?

Adelphia SUCKS.... and when I say sucks, I mean SUCKS.... It is crazy that I pay $90 a month for this crap and when I want to use it, it's not working.... This is the second time this week that I came home from work and had no internet or TV.

Tomorrow's agenda: Call Verizon to order DSL and call a dish network retailer to get a site survey done to see if I can get a dish.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

I woke up today to the ringing of my phone... it was Tiff calling. We had a really good conversation.... and I hung up feeling pretty good... Actually I was feeling really good about today from the time I got up out of bed... but I was still worried about what I was going to do financially.... but God provided... It's hard to face trials like I did the last few days.... There is no doubt that when you take a stand like I did Sunday night, you are going to be attacked. I had no clue that I was to be attacked like I was.... but here I am.. a few days later.... I made it. No porn has touched my computer.... I have been completely ok in all of that stuff.... Satan knew that if he attacked my relationship with Tiff, that would be his best shot of me running back to sexual addictions.... but he failed.... Through the grace of God, I am still clean. After he attacked that and it didnt work, he tried attacking other things... my car... my bank account... just everything.... but with God's help, I stayed strong. Sure, I got down... I felt overwhelmed and was just ready to snap... but the bottom line is I didnt return to that which satan had control over.

Praise God!

I know this isnt over yet... I will have more to face, so please keep me in your prayers... I just want to let everyone know that I am doing ok... I havent fallen again.
If one more thing goes wrong.... I just dont know what I'll do....

Its been a rough two days between Tiff and I.... Just alot of issues that we are trying to work out but its tough.... so thats really been weighing me down.... I really didnt get to spend any time with her, as is typical, and now I wont see her again for another 3 weeks. It just sucks..... but thats not bad enough.... Everything at work just was a pain to me tonight.... I had to mount a server and the stupid clips for the server would not go into the rack.... its supposed to take a few seconds to snap them in.... after 45mins, I still hadnt got them in.... just plain irritating... then a simple memory upgrade turned into a nightmare and I was at work till 2:30.... so I finally leave.... as if I'm not in a bad mood enough, beaster decides that he wants to be in a bad mood..... I dont know whats up there..... just another frustration to add... just worrying that my car isnt going to make it.... Im no mechanic... and worse yet, I dont know any mechanics down here.... so yea, thats bad.... so I come home... looking forward to placing an order for someone on-line.... Something I've been meaning to order but havent got around to it.... sometime pretty important... not for me but for someone else.... so I set everything up and the website responds that they cant process my card.... what the heck? Well, earlier today I had a nice little argument with the PA Turnpike.... they started talking in circles and confused the hell out of me. Friday I made a payment to my account.... last night driving up to Tiff's, my transponder didnt register so I called them.... and they said it was because my account was at a negative balance. Whatever... I made a payment.... they say that they have to cancel that payment and place another payment? Ok, so why are the roads bad in PA... because they all smoke crack! WTF is that supposed to be.... whatever.... You can assure me I will not be charged that first payment.... yes, they assured me... so they canceled the $35 payment I requested and placed another payment request.... well, turns out that the lady just pull a number out of her ass.... so I got charged substantially more thatn $35 so thats why my card was declined.... Not only does this mean that I have no money to order that gift but I had to run to the bank machine and take money out of my paypal account and then make a deposit to my checking account to keep something from bouncing.... and even now im in a "I hope everything clears" panic.... but then of course, I go the whole way to the bank machine and realize I forgot my wallet so I have to come all the way back, and go all the way back again..... So now the money that was in my PayPal account for the purpose of using after next pay because next pay is gone already because of rent, I have nothing there.... and now I have $9 in my checking account..... so I have $9 to last me a month..... I'm screwed.... I have a pair of jeans that I bought and havent taken the tags off of them so I guess I'm taking them back tomorrow..... that'll be $16 or so.... but thats it..... so, what am I doing for easter? Probably sitting here in my apartment doing nothing because I cant afford the gas to drive back up to PA... which really sucks because they are supposed to check out my car... so this is real convient... not only do I not get to spend Easter with my family but my car will continue to die without being helped....... Its time for bed... with a little luck I wont wake up :(
The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward.
- Robyn Davidson

Monday, March 21, 2005

Wow..... I knew the enemy was going to attack but nothing you could have told me could have prepared me for what just did happen.

One thing that was said on one of John Hagee's shows.... He posed the question "what are you willing to walk away from?" What I wasnt willing to yesterday, I am today. I will give everything to God. What I have to walk away from, I will. What He gives back to me is His option.
It is time for a change.
Over the past few weeks i have been recording and watching sermons and shows from Pastor John Hagee. I realized something.... well a few things..... very important. One revelation is that I may never marry Tiff. Why do I say this? Its not because I will give up or that she will.... it is because the Lord may not tarry any longer..... there may not be a tomorrow. instead of having my earthly bride in the next few years, I may have my heavenly bride. I am putting all i have into my relationship with tiff starting this hour. I am putting that effort forward but I am giving it all to God.

I am realizing now that I have been lukewarm for so long that i am becomming cold. It ends here. I need to put all I have into being all I can be for God.

I am about to write some things here that I never dreamed would ever end up in my blog. I know I must write these. I can not hide my sins any longer. Its like last weeks snack that you left under your bed. It starts to stink really bad. and then you uncover it and it stinks worse but its the only way to take care of the problem. I once went to Pastor Roy years ago and asked for prayer. His response shocked me but also was so grounded in God's plan. He said no way. He said "we are going to let this stink until you cant take it anymore" Well..... here I am. I cant take it anymore. It is Years later and here I am. I have a problem..... and by the grace of God I now say that I HAD a problem. Addiction to pornography and other sexual sins has kept me a slave and has kept me from being used by God the way that He wants to use me. I know that God has great plans for me. He is going to use me in an amazing way. There is a reason that I am living in VA now. There is a reason I work for Carpathia. There is a reason Tiff and I are working towards spending our lives together..... ALL of that has been hindered by disgusting things. Things that controlled my mind....... It has been hell dealing with this sexual stuff that has controlled me. so much so that about a month ago I gave up trying. You know what? Im still not gonna try. No way am I going to try anymore. I am going to hand it to God and be done with it. The gigs and gigs of pictures and videos are gone from my computer. It is over. In all of this I praise God that despite the control this had over me, I have kept my virginity. That is something I will give to Tiff on that special day, if the Lord tarrys.

"and now, I make my resolution" - The OC Supertones

Please continue to pray for me. Any God fearing person knows the enemy is going to attack me after taking a stand like this. I am going to need your prayers and support to stand strong.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Today is a day of the obvious so far.

I needed to get a few things and pick up a prescription so I went to Target. It was a pleasant experience as always.... obvious.

I then needed to cash a check, so unfortunately that meant I had to also go to Wal-Mart. I walk in past customer service and a customer is very upset and irate while about 3 employees stand there staring at him.... obvious.

I finally break lose from the jail they call Wal-Mart and watch someone pull next to my car leaving me no room to get in. She was from around this area... DC Drive... obvious.

I eventually struggle my way into my car and back out and notice a Kerry-Edwards sticker on the back of her van.... obvious!
Gesh... its after 6am and Im just going to bed.... but gosh was it worth it... ok, well, so I did work until like 4:30am but when I got home I started talking to Keith..... Keith is a really good friend of mine... has been for a while.... but we were talking for quite a while to each other and kind of opened up about some things... it was really great. Its kinda of a refreshing feeling when you can have completely opposite beliefs as one of your best friends do and yet still be best friends.... so anyway, I feel alot better... its nice to know I have a friend down here in VA. Really refreshing after this weekend.

Monday, March 14, 2005

03/14/2005 [23:37] bkmhome: why doesn't windows have a kill -9

03/14/2005 [23:37] [PH]cipri: so that people don't put it in Start Up
03/14/2005 [23:37] bkmhome: LMAO
I put so much effort into trying to be with people and hang out with friends and drive hours to see them..... I put other things on hold to be with people..... Its what I want to do... I want to spend time with those people that mean the most to me and I realize that it cant always happen... other things get in the way..... but when there isnt anything in the way and the other person makes no effort to spend that time with me it starts to hurt pretty bad. I want people to want to be with me.... but unfortunately I dont have anyone in my life that feels that way. Its good enough for everyone I know to get an email from me now and then.....

Well... I have a long drive ahead of me.... so I guess I have plenty of time to finish crying..... Its been a while since my face has seen tears so I guess its about that time.
My girlfriend amazes me!

I have never in my life found someone who cares about anyone as much as Tiff does. She is dealing with so much right now (dealing with me, included).... but she still keeps right on pushing through. I honestly dont know how she can do it. So many people go to her for problems and she is always there for them.... it's amazing how strong she is. Sure, sometimes I dont understand her but your not meant to understand everything. I just was talking to her this morning as one of our friends was coming to both of us with a problem.... this person dumped alot on me and I basically told her like it was and I think pissed her off.... which is probably something that was needed.... but Tiff just stayed calm and listened. She does all of this while finishing the hardest semester she has ever had. She just keeps pushing on.... She really amazes me. I love her so much and I am proud of her.... very very proud of her. I am so glad that she is mine.... she really is a blessing.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Well I got to visit with Tanya and Eli a bit tonight.... it was really nice to see them. Eli is still the cutest little boy. He was happy to see me.... and of course I was happy too. Tanya said when she told him that I was moving to Virginia he said that I was gone forever and that I would never come back.... I'm glad I didnt do that.

I got to talk to Tiff for a while tonight too... It was nice to hear from her.... I just kinda have some things going through my head tho... its like... I dunno... after this week it makes me wonder what the summer is gonna be like.... when she is at home am I even gonna get to talk to her... she says that I certainly will but this week I barely heard from her at all.... so it makes me wonder.... I really wanted to go up and see her tomorrow night when I leave new alex.... just drive up there and spend monday night with her and then drive back home to va tuesday morning.... I mentioned it to her and she pretty much just ignored that I mentioned it.... dunno what that was about..... oh well..... I'm sure I'll see her soon enough.

Well I'm still doing some stuff... wont be going to bed for a while... I think im gonna run to wal mart here in a few..... ttyl
Wow was it nice to sleep in :) I'm in PA until tomorrow night... was thinking about going to visit tiff tomorrow evening but i havent heard from her so I couldnt ask if that would work....

I miss Tiff.... she called me a few days ago but I was asleep.... I sent her a text message later but I havent heard from her since. I guess I missed my chance :( .... Thank God spring break is over today..... I miss her too much. Its hard not seeing her.... it's even harder not talking to her.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

You would think that while Tiff was on spring break id get to see her and talk to her more.... unfortunately the opposite is true :( I could really use her right now.... just so ... stressed..... I hate spring break.

I really wish I had something to do this weekend.... Im in serious need of a break... I'm doing ok... just really need a break... I need something to do..... but, alas, there is nothing... and no money to do anything if there was something.
I got a call from my dad on my way into work. He said they are going to help me out but what I wrote on my blog wasnt very nice. I know it wasnt.... and in some ways I feel bad that I wrote it.... in others I dont. I was really hurt.... and maybe this is another past issue coming back to haunt me.... God knows I have alot of them that are hurting every relationship I have right now. Im having a rough time dealing with stuff.... I was able to talk to Tiff for a little bit.... just basically cried to her tho.... she told me everthing was going to be ok.... I sure wish she was here with me right now.... I need her support in my life.

The thing is tho.... this past week really hurt me. I really felt stressed and that everyone was shrugging me off.... Sometimes I feel like everyone is proud of me because I am starting to accomplish things in my life... other times I feel like the black sheep.... and sometimes I feel I'm the black sheep because I'm not into gymnastics... and the horrible thing is, I always get attacked for saying that. So many times Lori has yelled at me for saying stuff like that... my mom has too.... Kari at least is a little more understanding of me.... It just really hurts.... it hurts bad..... I'm sorry what I said sounded rude.... but im not sorry that I needed to vent because I was hurt.
You know what..... I just feel like saying the hell with my family.... maybe its good I did move away.... I asked for a favor... and before we even talked I got a lecture.... this after my mom consistently brushes me off.... the whole time I was up there i really didnt get to talk to her at all... so much stuff was more important..... dont talk to me... the hell with me... well the hell with them.....

... it sucks when you hang up the phone crying... it sucks even more when it was your mom you were talking to.....

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

I havent had much time in the last few days to blog..... but alot happened.

I went home monday morning.... it was a very busy morning and afternoon... all kinds of people I had to help... but I think I got everything accomplished... it was really hectic tho. I started the debate of whether I should go skiing or not... I wanted to really bad but was really unsure about the weather..... I eventually decided to go for a few hours. Conditions were suprisingly really good in most areas.... except one.... at this location I decided that its been well over a year since I had even fallen.... I decided that I might as well... and if im gonna do it, I might as well do it right. So this one slope had alot of drifting... and the warm weather turned that to mush.... my skis decided not to go over top of the snow like they should but instead, they went under.... and of course my bindings didnt release.... it hurt... it hurt bad.... I did a few more runs and went home. When I got home I decided that I am going to have to really think before I go home again. Everytime I'm home I get frustrated with something or someone... I can totally understand why Lori likes to just stay at school.... but yea, I was frustrated... felt totally ignored... of course gymnastics became a big subject in the house as usual and I was, of course, left out. I cleaned the fish tanks and watched some tv and went to bed. When I woke up in the morning I couldnt move. I hurt so incredibly bad. I even partially called of because I wasnt sure if I was going to be able to drive back home to VA. I put some ice on my neck and eventually I could move. I decided to drive down anyway.... The night at work didnt go too bad.... then this morning things got really stressful.... I have been fighting with insurance companies and doctors. My new doctor's (NOVA) still hadnt received any information from UPMC (my old doctor). And instead of calling me and telling me that they couldnt do the prior auth for my Adderall because of this, they just didnt bother.... I was ticked. So I call UPMC... they say they sent the records out but they will resend them. I told them to fax the information related to Adderall and they said they dont do that. They said if I had a medical emergency or an appt with my new doctor soon, they could. that really pissed me off. Doesnt the fax machine work unless I have an appt? Come on.... either way I called NOVA back and they said to tell UPMC I had an appt tomorrow. Did so and UPMC had no issues..... so finally I get a chance to go pick up my prescriptions at Target. Target says that the insurance company is denying my claim. So not only have I no authorization for Adderall but now my Zoloft and Tetracycline is sitting at the pharmacy and I'm not allowed to have it. After calling my insurance company, they found an error and fixed it.

So anyway, here I am now ready to start my shift.... Hopefully I'll get to relax this coming weekend.... I really need it.... and im still in a little bit of pain.... but life goes on.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

"Theres no problem so large it cant be solved by killing the user off, deleting their files, closing their account, and reporting their real earnings to the IRS"

The conference was great. We had an absolute blast... and learned some good stuff to. It was cool... we were in this lecture hall at Messiah College and CPLUG set up WiFi so a bunch of people had their laptops in there. CPLUG also set up an IRC server so we had a good amount of people sitting in the conference chatting back and forth on IRC about the speakers and such. It was really a neat experience.

Anyway, thats all for now. Have a good night.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Windows 2003 was born in 2003... go figure.... but tell me why the heck it requires you to have a floppy drive to load mass storage drivers during the install and it cant just load them off of a CD? Floppy drives are a thing of the past.... I think someone needs to tell Billy boy that....

.... I hate Microsoft.....
I might have to add to my list of gripes "People who do not respond to emails you send them" .... I can understand the stupid forwards and gimicks and stuff that people send... but when you send a self-written email to someone and they completely ignore it.... gosh that makes me mad.
My baby is becomming all grown up:

For those of you that cant realize it... that is my old Suzuki Samurai.... looks alot different than it did in the pictures on my website, huh?

Thursday, March 03, 2005

So I go to KFC for dinner... and of course I pay with my debit card. The back of it is not signed.... and in one of the rare cases, the cashier actually noted this and asked me for my ID. I asked her if I could use her pen so I could sign my card right there... she said she didnt have one.... my recipt prints out and I said "well, I guess I need a pen anyway" and she says no, the purchase is under $20......

..... ok?!? What would the matter be if my card was signed? She's not going to have a signature to compare anyway?

*scratches head*

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

I'm doing fine again..... the real problem seems to be that so many things that happened in the past to me whether it be from people in churches ive been to, ex girlfriends, family, etc..... all of the horrible things that have been done to be that I have put behind me are coming back to haunt me. The blunt of the problem is that everything is so perfect for me and Tiff that I am affraid that something bad is going to happen.... it's always happened before so why isnt it going to happen now? Some denominational beliefs previously have landed me in very ... well... lets just say that many people in my past instead of talking to me have lashed out against me..... There was a very serious confrontation at my church years and years ago that involved be and the missions board..... the Pastor of our church at that time stood up for me and defended me tooth and nail..... and things turned out ok.... but when you have any leader of the church attack you before finding out what is really going on... it hurts... and it was put behind me.... until today.... it crept back.... and a simple disagreement of beliefs which happens all the time and is completely normal turned into me flipping out because I was affraid I was about to be attacked and told again that I am a horrible person and a horrible Christian......

The truth is... I need help. I need some serious Christian counseling... and I am working on finding it. Right now, I am doing fine... this is turning into a great night. I sent Tiff an email that I hope she reads and responds to.... This night is turning out to be ok.... I feel fine.... no issues at all..... I just know that I need to get some help in dealing with these things in the past. In my heart I know that everything between me and Tiff is PERFECT... in my mind, I'm scared that its going to fall apart based ONLY on my past experiences.... Praise God that He gave me a girl that can understand I am struggling and be there for me even when I blow up and throw things in her face.... I could not ask for a more perfect girl..... Other than salvation, she is by far the best gift that God has ever given me.... and I treasure Tiff dearly....... no one ever was there for me like she has been.....
Some things I am just meant to deal with on my own I guess..... If I would learn to keep my mouth shut about some things I probably would be better off...... I tried to open up and get some support on something I think I am dealing with but I shouldnt have..... so I either gotta deal with this all on my own or I gotta just forget about it..... The worst thing is.... now I am questioning my own beliefs......

..... I thought I left the tears alone last night.... but they're back..... they are all I have in this.... my tears.... no one to talk to about it..... cant say anything here... cant say anything to anyone..... im all alone.... just me and my tears.....

Gosh darnit.... I hope I dont end up crying at work again tonight :(

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

There are many things I dont understand about Tiff..... lots of things..... but if I did understand everything.... how boring would that be, right? There is just one thing that stands out that I can not comprehend... and I dont think I ever will.... I dont understand how she can deal with me sometimes.

This weekend was really good.... things went well... my dreams came true.... yet at some points through the weekend, I look back, and realize that I was the worst person that ever could have been there..... the way I acted at times..... things I did... things I said..... I dont understand why I did or said them.... I more so dont understand how she not only didnt throw me out but begged me to stay.... even tho I was making things misserable, she wanted me by her side..... She put everything she had into making me feel better.....

So what happened? Truth is I'm not sure..... but I do know this.... and even tho I had the idea that there were problems, they never occured to me how big they were until the past few days.... I have some serious issues. Things in my past are coming back to haunt me in ways that I never imagined..... things that I did but mainly things that others did to me..... addictions and problems that I had before have come in through the flood gates and I realize that I am completely out of control..... I need help... Towards the end of last year I was in the care of Western Psychiatric. We now have a proper diagnosis... we have the medicine to take care of me and physically I could not be better.... I am not falling into depression.... my mood is under control...... what we have now is a serious spiritual battle.... something that Western Psych could have never touched on.

So what am I doing? I'm making up my mind to get better.... My goal in life has always been to be a good husband and a good father... that is my main goal in life.... and, if I want to give that to Tiff, I need to start taking care of some things..... I have emailed the two churches that I am looking at down here.... I have been given a list of CHRISTIAN counselors in this area.... and I intend on making something happen.... I am going to give this my all.....

When things start going good and start going in the direction that God wants them to go in, that is when satan attacks.... and the better things are going... the harder the attack will be....

Please keep me in your prayers.... I have lots of things to work on.... and lots of help to seek out... I pray that God leads me to the right help and that He gives me the strength to get better.... and mainly.... the Tiff continues to stick by me.....