Wednesday, December 31, 2003

This is my last blog of 2003. Just want to wish everyone a happy new year. We're having a great time bowling. God bless.
I'm depressed already..... and I'm not the only one. It looks like the start of 2004 is not gonna be good for any of my family.

My mom planned this big party.... bought all kinds of food... and pretty much everyone backed out on her.... so now we are stuck with alot of food and no one to eat it... and she's stuck with some hurt feelings.... most of the people my mom totally understood why they werent going to come... and even when she asked them they were maybes.... the bad thing was her "best friend" was definately coming and now she made up a story to get out of it... at the last min.....

And then of course me.... this was the night I was supposed to see Tiff. At midnight we were supposed to officially start going out... 2004 was going to start off great for me.... I couldnt wait for it to get here..... now it's here... and I'm heartbroken. I'm really down right now and I desperately need something happy to happen.... I hope things go well at bowling... cuz right now all I want to do is lay on my bed and cry.
Any idea how hard it is to sit at my computer with Tiffany sitting on the top of my buddy list and not say anything to her?
I'm leaving to go somewhere..... not sure where yet tho!
Please pray for me tonight.... this was supposed to be a very special night for me.... now it wont be. Please pray that I have a good time anyway.

Well it looks like I'll have a decent New Year's Eve.... but I wont have someone to kiss.... *sigh*

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

I guess I just had a semi-civil conversation with Tiff. I flat out told her that the words "I love you" from her dont mean anything to me.... I told her not to say them, but she did anyway. I told her that I am willing to forgive.... but she has to take some giant steps to correct things and show me that she really does love me. The way she acted the last few weeks has no evidence of love. I told her that she can still make a decission.... and I am willing to make ammends and start over but I told her that I am not waiting. If she makes the decission in time, great... if not... well, I didnt throw it away.... she did.
Also thanks to Steve (my manager) for putting some things in perspective for me today. Without his talk today, I wouldnt have even been talking to Tiff..... He's about the only person in my life right now that has a positive opinion... and I need that. All of my friends who put Tiff down dont help me at all... they only make me mad at them..... stupid "I told you so" attitudes. God is taking care of this. I dont need someone telling me what I did wrong.... because, in fact, maybe I didnt do anything wrong. Anyway, thanks again, Steve!

Monday, December 29, 2003

This is going to be a long blog.... but PLEASE read it if you care about me. This is what happened to me in the last week.

First of all, bowling tonight. I had a 223, 159, and 214. I found that if you look at the pins real closely they say "Tiffany" on them.

Christmas night at 3am I was admitted to Comprehensive Counseling Services at Westmoreland Regional Hospital in Greensburg, PA. Panic attacks were out of control.... anxiety was crazy..... and I was having PASSIVE suicide thoughts. The Mental Health nurse examined and interviewed me and recommended that I admit myself which I then did.

The time I spent in there was really good.... but my life changed drastically, twice... it got really good and then REALLY bad today. Tiffany drove the whole way down here from DuBois to visit me. She gave me hope again.... she made me feel like I was special again and convinced me that she really did care and really did love me. She went home and got into a fight with her parents. Here is the email that she sent my mom:

--Start Email
Hi there

Ok - so it was really bad last night. Mom and Dad yelled and yelled last

They put down Bobby so much last night, it wasn't even funny. Mom at one
point had been snooping in my e-mail and reading things he sent me - I did
catch on and changed my passsword. But Bobby has a log online - I'm sure you
know. Well I figure she found that out and has been reading it. So, she
acusses Bobby of a lot of things. I mean a lot. I tried and tried to stick
up for Bobby - but they wouldn't believe a darn word. I can't talk to them,
all they do is hollar. I told them I talk to you because you listem and
don't sit there and yell at me. Of course they had to say - Sure because she
wants you to be with Bobby.

No matter what I said - It wasn't true!

They said I have to tell Jim before the weekend's over. They said all I was
doing was jerking him around, Bobby and them too. And well- yea I suppose in
a sense it's true. But they won't try to even understand what I'm going
through right now. All it is, is Jim, Jim, Jim. Yes - Jim has gone through
hell. They don't believe that I have.

I can't come down there. I'm not allowed. If I go to Pittsburgh (as they
say) - I stay in Pittsburgh! Bobby and I really wanted to do New Years, but
we can't. He'll be crushed to know so. I won't be able to see him again
until after school starts up. I hope he'll understand.

He doesn't, and I don't have my parents blessing at all. They hate him and
don't know him at all. It's completely unfair. All they feel is - that Bobby
is a mental case and will only make my life miserable. They said that any
time he wants something - he will pull this same stunt again! All he'll do
is make my life a living hell. I was so upset.

I'm really urged to come and stay down there. But I know if do - I'll never
be allowed back. How can I really do that? My parents said Bobby has turned
me into this person that does nothing but lie and cheat now. I'm glad they
think so highly of me. I know what's been going on is awful - I have no good
excuse - but....

I wish they understood what Bobby meant to me, and give him a chance to know
him for who he is. For who I see is inside. When he stayed here for a few
days. Mom says he was rude! She says he wouldn't talk to them. He tried! He
could tell mom didn't want him there, or wanted nothing to do with him.

I doubt he'll ever be allowed to come to this house. It may take years - but
I'll prove to them that we're going to be happy. He's not going to treat me
bad. I know that.

I'm not really allowed to leave the house. Never been grounded once. Now I'm
20 years old. Isn't that insane?! I'm 20 and can't go see Bobby. Can't do

I'm sorry I'm going on so long. I was so upset last night. Still am now. But
I have to go back to work today from 12 to 8. I wish I knew how to make
things better. But I can't I guess. I wish ..... well a lot of things right
now. I guess I should quit rambling now. I may not be on for a few days.
We'll see. Tell Bobby not to worry. It may be best if he doesn't call until
I say it's alright. Until I can talk to him online and tell him a good time
to do that. Give him a hug for me. Thanks.

Love always
---End Email

So its pretty obvious that she wants to be with me... she wants to make it work.... I was ecstatic.... my life was going to be back in order.... I made a DRASTIC improvement and the doctors prepared me for discharge. This morning, right after filling out my discharge survey I talk to my mom and she tells me about this email:

---Start Email
Hi there.

I am really a mess. Mom and Dad said for me to make a forth
and so on... I told you all of that. But what you told before... well that's
what I know now I need to do. NO MATTER WHAT. I don't know what's going on
with me. I'm truly torn up inside. I'm not allowed to see Bobby anyway. But
what I need to do is spend some time to figure out what's best for me. I
told Jim I'm not going to see/talk to him. I have to do the same with Bobby
unfortunately. I really need to sort out my life for myself. B/C wherever I
go, I turn back and forth.

Jim and I talked about this last night. Without biassing me... he made me
realize, this is what I truly need. We talked about marriage.... and the
whole divorce thing. I'm not going to do that. I need to be sure where my
life will lead me.

I will ask Bobby when he comes home, if he will understand that for me. I
don't know if he will or not. I've hurt him enough. He doesn't deserve to be
hurting like this. So, that's his choice.... to give me time... or not... to
sort out my life.

I'm putting my foot down for once... and doing this for ME. I tried to do it
once, but it didn't quite happen. But I truly need to do this.

I'm going to miss you guys, Jim, Bobby..... like crazy. But I need to pull
myself together as I said. I have to! I hope I can still talk to you if I
need an ear in all this. I'll either talk to or e-mail Bobby for when he
comes home. I know he'll be so disappointed about New Years. But I had no
control over that. While I'm doing this.... I'll still be here if anyone
needs me for anything. You're probably annoyed with me by this point? Ok
talk to you later. Send my love to everyone.

I better go now.
Love Tiff

---End Email
Also in MY inbox, I had this message when I got home
---Start Email
Hey Sweetie

Glad to see you're back home (since you're reading this). Loves!

I've e-mailed your mom a couple of times and let her know what's been going
on. I don't what she's told you about that so far.

When I came home. Yea it was pretty ugly. I was so upset. If you want to
know details I'm sure you can ask your mom a little bit. But in the end ....
it was you have to make a decision right now! So I told them about you. But
the whole thing was pretty ugly.

I'm not ready. I can't make any choices in my life right now. I'm so messed
up right now. Not just with love either.

The decision is yours. And I will understand if you don't accept this. But I
need time to myself. I tried to do that once.... but that didn't happen to
well. I'm not allowed to come for New Years, or during break at all anyway.
But I can't see you right now, and talk with you right now. As extremely
hard as that may be. I need to do this for myself. I need to figure out what
is best for me right now. You can give me that time, or you can say I've had
enough. I've put you through enough sweetie. But I know this is what I need
to do - I need this time alone - to sort everything out. I can't keep making
promises. That's one this I always hated - someone breaking a promise to me.
And here I am - I keep doing it. When I saw you again, and got so scared - I
wanted nothing more than to be with you. But it's the same way around the
other corner. Now that's screwed up!

I love you and miss you a lot. I hope you understand this time is what I
truly need to do. I can't rush into anything. You can let me know if you can
do that for me, if you want to let me know. If you need me - I'll be here
Bobby. I love you very much - bunches in fact. We're not apart, we're not
together. We are Tiff and Bob right now. I miss you, hugs and kiss.

Love always
---End email

Now, please not the use of the words "sweetie" and "love" .... what does that mean? I dont understand why she played these games with me. She was SURE of what she wanted... she was SURE many times..... now all of a sudden she wants to take time. I'm hurt, crushed, and shattered. I wish she would have just stayed home when I was in the hospital.... at least she wouldnt have reopened the wound..... what she did to me was completely wrong..... now.... there is the possibility of forgiving her, but I dont think she'll want to come back to me..... I dont think that she really loves me. I know I love her to death.... but it's a two way street and apparently the happiness I had in the last year was only one way. Apparently I am not as special as she thought I was. Apparently there is plenty wrong with me.... and, oh yea... now I'm a "mental paitient" .... Guys, I need prayer. I learned some tips in the hospital to getting through this.... they changed some of my medicine.... but the problem is still there and it hurts like hell. I cant get through this on my own.

Well, I have made this way long enough.... tonight is my first night back in the real world and I'm going to sleep soon.... WITHOUT that damn wolf!

Just wanted to let everyone know that I was released from mental health today. I will be posting a much longer blog tonight that I hope everyone will read. I'm on my way to bowling now. I am returning to all of my normal activities now and returning to work on Jan 2nd.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

I am now on my way to westmoreland hospitals er because they have mental health services. They will evaluate me and determine whether or not to keep me. I was able to get a hold of matt and he is going to take care of everything at work. I feel so bad. I feel that I've put too much on matt and patty at work... I feel like I ruined everyones christmas. My parents aren't happy about this mental health thing but I need to take care of myself. I wish they were supportive.... I need them. I don't have the person I need in my life right now so I really need someone else. I have my bible bear that steve (my manager) got me for christmas with me. I'm glad I have that... I needed something to replace the wolf tiff gave me. I'm scared... I've never been like this before. Please pray for me. If I do get admitted you can call my mom for updates. Thanks for your prayers and support.
Its now 7:40pm ... I was just released from the emergency room. Again, panic attacks. This time I had other problems.... I had a lot of twitching. Apparently the problem is now affecting my nervous system. I am apparently way out of control. And of course I'm down because I feel like I ruined everyones christmas. Its not fair that I have to go through this shit. Tho I wouldn't act upon it, I really wish I was dead. Seriously tho... I am not depressed like previous times. Wishing I was dead is not a result of depression. I'm just really heartbroken. The lithium and prozac is doing its job quite well. Now we just gotta get through the anxiety. Ill be ok.... Its just that I gave my heart away and got it back in parts.
So now I'm laying in the back room at my grandmas with tear upon tear running down my face.... Echoes of laughter coming down the hall... No on even realizes I'm gone. I hate my life.
Here's what I got this morning for Christmas:

Lite-ON DVD Burner
Li-Ion Battery for my thinkpad (laptop)
Linksys Wireless Access Point (802.11b)
Linksys Wireless PCMCIA Network Card (802.11b)
50 Blank DVDs
100 Blank CDs
Rumblin Mystery Machine (scooby doo)
Rocky and Bullwinkle Season 1 DVD
New Lock Haven Universitry Hoody
Scooby Doo Ornament
Veggie Tales DVD
Robin Williams Live on Broadway DVD
"He Came to Set the Captives Free" book
A down throw
a mall gift certificate
and cash

so I'm pretty satisfied.... the only thing is there was one thing I wanted for Christmas REALLY bad that I didnt get: Tiffany
My heart is so broken.....

So in other news, my aunt is in the hospital... so her and Roger arent coming to Christmas.... this is a good thing.... but apparently my uncle is no longer welcome at my grandmother's for Christmas.... this is a long story that I might share later.... I wish I could run to Tiff with that problem.... but I guess that era of my life is over.

No panic attacks so far today.... so far :(

I'm gonna *TRY* to have a Merry Christmas..... but I doubt it.
Well it's Christmas..... by almost an hour.
Everyone, I'm not doing so well. Last night I was in the ER for a few hours..... they wanted to admit me but I didnt let them. Right now I wish I would have. Today was the worst. I had to call Matt in.... I felt so bad but I just couldnt take anymore. I was having a full blown panic attack. Some how I managed to still function.... it was hard.... and I swear ALOT of customers thought I was drunk. My chest hurt from about 10am until.... maybe 6pm.... It was the worst attack I ever had. Well I ended up having to call the doctor..... she told me to quadruple my dose of the anxiety medicine they just gave me.... it totally wiped me out.... when I did finally come to, I felt a bit better but my mind was still racing. Kendra came over for a bit.... I cried on her shoulder ALOT.... truth is, I'm in love with Tiffany. She is/was the perfect person for me and what we had.... I dont know what to think really.... I mean.... true love doesnt give up..... at least I dont think so.... but she seems to have..... but on the other hand, how do I doubt that we didnt have true love. And then to top all of this off.... everyone keeps making fun of Tiff and putting her down.... ok, I have names for Tiff right now.... what she did was wrong and yes, I think she is an asshole for doing it.... but some of the things people were saying about her.... I couldnt handle.... and that just makes it even worse on me.... somaybe they are trying to help me.... Tiff is extremely immature in this, but thats it.... shes still the perfect little girl I fell in love with. Well, I'm going to go to bed and cry a little bit... like I have the last few nights.... and probably will for the next few weeks. I was looking so forward to new years.... I tried everything to make it perfect for me and tiff. Ahh, the hell with it....

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Great night of skiing! That was about all. It actually gave me a lot of time to think which was really good.... I'm glad I went. There were some rough points. About my third lift ride a couple was in the chair in front of me and they put their arms around each other and cuddled up the whole ride.... it really made me think of when I took Tiff skiing... how much I enjoyed teaching her and doing something with her that she really enjoyed.... yes, I almost cried.... but the feeling passed. Dont get me wrong, I am ok.... this just really hurts.... it hurts like hell. And no one, including Tiff, knows how much it does hurt. But more than that, I'm angry. Dont really know who Im angry at but I am. I guess some of it is towards Tiff.... there are times I just want to get online and send her an email that just says "your an asshole" .... and then other times I realize that thats not me.... but then again I'm changing again. The whole way back from skiing I was listening to the X.... I dont listen to that music.... but I did tonight.... Tiff started shaping me into the person I wanted to be.... she gave me a reason to become a better person but now I have no motivation. I'm REALLY upset tho that she lied to me. When this whole thing started again I told her I was a little worried about getting hurt again and she PROMISED me that she wouldnt do it again. She told me she did it too many times already.... and that she wasnt going to do it again. Big fat lie... here I am heartbroken and it's her fault. Yes, I am gonna make it. I'm doing fine.... but, it hurts like hell.... and its going to for a while.
This is going to be a short blog..... I've got a nice little headache. So anyway, here is the recap.
Yesterday, after not hearing from Tiff at all I decided to call her..... so she answers the phone.... I say "hey tiff" and she hangs up on me. Ok, so..... she's not the person I thought she was. We had a relationship built on honesty.... and loving relationship I thought.... apparently, it was all lies.... at least Im not the immature one.... I'll be fine without her.... I've been throuhg alot of shit in my life and this is really nothing.... I'll make it.... I went out last night to the Christmas party..... I had no ties.... I was again allowed to drink.... I had a blast.... and I did it all without Tiff!

Monday, December 22, 2003

I prayed a bit last night and over night God calmed me down. There is a REALLY good chance that I am jumping to conclusions. It's really rough for me sometimes because of my past. I'm not trying to use that as an excuse but it just always has seemed like bad stuff happens to me in relationships and I get worried easily. The thing I have to understand is that whatever is happening is happening for a reason. I love Tiffany with all of my heart. I want to spend my life with her and I know that we would be happy together... and I know that she knows that too.... so I am probably jumping to conclusions. This is really rough on me.... but I'll make it. I've been through worse. God will take care of me. Tiff, if you are reading this I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart. Everything that I wrote wasnt that I didnt or dont trust you but more of a panic.... I have no reason to doubt you. Please understand that this is hard for me. We will be happy together and I want to do whatever to make this work. Please email me or call me soon. I love you!
So anyway today is a long day for me. I work 8am to 7pm and then I leave from there to go to our Christmas party. Hopefully I can relax and just have a good time.... Im glad that it is today.... I need something to cheer me up. Ideal situation would be Tiff showing up at Pizza Hut around 6 and saying "I'm here... lets go to the party" ... I know the chances are slim... but it would be nice.
My heart cant take it! I cant be hurt again.... Lord, please dont let it happen! Why must I fall in love and always be hurt by it.... why me? PLEASE help me! I want someone here to dry the tears that I am crying.... I need someone in my life.... I must be doing something wrong. Please someone cheer me up.... I need your prayers.... I cant take another heart break.... I've been through too much in my life. I'm gonna go cry some more and try again to sleep.... why cant someone be here to dry my tears?

Sunday, December 21, 2003

11pm.... home from work.... no email from tiff.....
I'm not going to say what I want to say right now..... I'm just gonna go cry for a while and then get to sleep.
Ok so I am at work and blogging (sorry steve, we're dead and I NEED to blog)

I'm getting really frustrated right now..... I still have not heard from tiff. My mom knew I was down so she called tiff to try to get information to cheer me up. She failed... Miserably. Not only did tiff not really give her any information but there were guys talking in the background. No doubt jim is there.... Which in it's self doesn't bug me but the fact that she was online yesterday and couldn't spend one min to tell me that she loved me.... Everything together bugs me. I don't know the situation but with my history and my luck it would fit for something to have happened between her and jim.... So ok... I'm jumping to conclusions but.... Oh I don't know.... Its just that I deserve it.... I mean I split up tiff and jim... I caused tiff to cheat on jim.... It wasn't intentional but it still happened..... This is killing me. But I deserve it. No I don't know what's going on.... Maybe everything is fine..... I'm just saying I deserve for something bad to happen to me. I hope everything is fine..... But who knows... Maybe her mom is causing problems but if this is the way its gonna be.... Well.... I just don't know how much I can take. I can't wait to get home and sleep... Maybe fit a good cry in too.....
Dangit people.... Quit asking me about tiff.... I haven't heard from her yet... I know she's back and that's it for right now.... This is starting to bug me.... So just stop it. I'm gonna try to enjoy the rest of church now.... Hopefully no one else will ask!

Saturday, December 20, 2003

Ski ing (ske'ing) 1. n. the art of catching cold and going broke while rapidly heading nowhere at great personal risk.

What an amzing week we had. We arrived in Lack Placid somewhere around 11am on sunday. Lori and I decided that we wanted to ski that day while Kelly and John just wanted to relax so we went and picked up our lift tickets and Lori and I went out skiing. Now, note this about me. I am a decent skier but I dont know much about the equipment used. Typically when I went skiing, I went to the rental shop and they gave me what I needed. So, when I bought skis for me, Lori, and Tiff, I didnt have an extremely good idea of what I was doing. I knew a little about lengths and such but that was about it. Since Lori hadnt skied in about 9 years she wanted to head to the bunny slope to get some practice before we went up the hill. I was quite embarrased when she made it down on the first shot and I fell about 4 times on the bunny slope. I really had no idea what was going on. Later I found out that the skis I bought myself were not parabolic, which is what rental shops give you. The skis I bought were designed for advanced skiers and have a completely different turning radius. This is actually good. Once I got used to my skis I liked the way they performed alot better than the parabolic onces. It worked out well because it turns out I bought lori and tiff parabolics and myself non-parabolics.... Lori and Tiff needs those skis, I dont. After a few runs down the bunny slope, I got the hang of it and Lori and I were ready to go up the mountain. We got on another lift and started riding up..... I didnt think it was ever going to end. It was probably about a 10 min ride up.... it just kept going.... and Lori and I were both thinking it was over... we were dead.... turns out, we were close to being right. When we got the top we didnt see any green circles (for those of you who arent familiar with skiing, green circle means easiest, blue square is next, and the black diamond is the worst and then they go up from there to double and triple black diamond). We ended up going down a blue square path.... I wasnt worried but Lori was. We started down the slope and conditions were pretty icy.... this was not good for our first real run of the day. Both Lori and I were going at pretty fast speeds, we hit a steep part and ahead we ... well, we really didnt know where to go.... about 5 trails came together and like 3 split apart from there. I semi-intentionally fell because I didnt know where to go. As I wiped out I heard a scream from behind me. This was Lori. Next thing I know I look out of the corner of my eye and Lori is rolling down the hill, then slides and stops pretty much right beside me. We turn around and look to see our skis about 50 feet up the mountain... Ok, so now we know our bindings are working properly :) At that point Lori got yelled at by another skier because she wasnt good enough to ski.... I didnt really get that because ... well, I wont go there.... it did upset me though. From that point Lori and I found a green circle and continued down the mountain that way. By the time we got to the bottom, we were shot. Not only did the wipe outs take alot out of us but we had just been driving all night. We all went to the motel and got settled and took a nap.
The next day was pretty much a full day of skiing for all of us. We went back up the mountain and this time found a green circle down and went that way. Nothing extremely exciting happened today other than Lori and I found a jump.... I made the jump a couple times and eventually convinced Lori to try it.... she wiped out but was still glad that she tried it. That night we went back to the motel, went next door to the grocery store and got stuff to drink and a pack of cards and we played cards all night. This was of course after the almost 3 feet of snow fell. It made great skiing conditions for that day but was a heck of a time getting around. It was really awesome though!
The next day Lori, John, and Kelly decided they were going to snow board. I, being the smart one, decided to stay on skis. For the first half of the day I left my poles gloves and everything at the bottom of the bunny slope and skied only with a camera, taking pictures of everyone falling. It was actually great fun for me. After a while I decided to head up the mountain. This is where I finally became the skier that I remembered being. I was skiing down blue squares... very hard ones at that, without falling. I even did the slope that Lori and I wiped out on... no problems. After this day Kelly and John decided to snow board the rest of the trip. Lori went back to skis and her and I kinda stuck with each other alot, until I went back up the mountain to ski some more blue squares.
The next day was Thursday.... this was the day I almost died. I had decided that since I was back to the skiing ability I had, I was going to climb little whiteface and ski down it. If I remember right, the elevation of little whiteface is about 3800 feet. There is a gondola that traveled from the lodge up to the summit which we all rode up (without equipment) previously to just see the sites and then rode back down. Thursday, the day I decided I was going to do this, it was windy and they had to close the gondola down. When we went up before there was a ski lift that came right up beside the gondola. I noticed that another ski lift was running and it appeared that that lift went up to little whiteface.... it didnt. I got off the lift and realized I had NO clue where I was at. I asked the lift attendant what the easiest way down was.... he kinda just looked at me.... I said "they are all black diamonds, arent they" and he shook his head. He told me my best bet was probably going down the center slope. I tried... I really did try.... after wiping out twice before I made it 5 feet, I decided that I was going to slide down the slope on my butt.... I figured this was safest. I used my one pole to release the binding on my first ski... and yes, you guessed it... my ski took off down the mountain. It went about half way down the slope. Now not only am I going to have to slide down the mountain but Im going to have to aim myself so that I can pick up my ski. While holding my other ski, I release that binding and in just a few seconds I'm off... sliding down the slope, on my butt, out of control. When I say out of control, I mean OUT OF CONTROL! I was extremely scared. I couldnt stop myself at all. Finally I hit my ski that had went down before me and it stopped me. About half way down the slope I saw a path that went through the woods that had a blue square on it.... I chose this route. By this point, my ankles hurt extremely bad. I made it over to the main blue square path and skied down the mountain and met up with Lori and Kelly. I told them my adventure and they laughed... for quite a while. This was our last day of skiing. We were to check out of our motel at 10am on Friday. I decided that Lori and I were going to get up at 7am so I could be at whiteface by 8am so I could take one ride up the gondola and one run down the mountain. I did this.... and I did it well. I fell twice but they were stupid falls and mainly caused because I didnt know where I was going. I made it down the entire mountain with only 2 falls and having complete control It was awesome and I was glad that I went back to experience it. We drove back to the motel, loaded up the van, checked out, and we were off to town. We made one last stop in town to get a few things and then began our drive back to Lock Haven.
It was an awesome trip. Some great skiing! We did some other things... once night we went to see "Mystic River" which was a pretty good movie. We did some shopping down town in Lake Placid.... and played alot of cards and watched alot of TV. We had an AMAZING trip. Hopefully we can do the same thing next year.

Friday, December 19, 2003

So I lived...
We are now on our way back from vacation.... Maybe about an hour south of albany right now. We had an excellent time... We all tempted fate many times but no one got hurt.... And I sure came close to getting ded. Ill explain all about my trip in a blog tomorrow.
The thing on my mind right now is Tiff. She will be back in PA tonight.... And her mom and jim are picking her up at the airport. Now don't get me wrong I'm not worried but I still think its stupid. Its gonna bug jim and its gonna put Tiff in an awkward position. I also think that this may have something to do with tiffs mom trying to get her back with jim.... Its just stupid... So yea, it bugs me.... Its just been on my mind the whole trip home.
Well, I'm gonna relax while lori is driving for a while here. When I get home (late tonight) ill probably fill the parents in on my trip, check my email, and go to bed. I should be able to post a nice blog about my trip tommorrow.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Well I think I was wrong about the internet access on my palm in lock haven.... I had a signal but it wasn't a t mobile signal so my internet didn't work
we are now driving through albany. We will probably be stopping at mcdonalds soon :)
not much has happened since my last blog so I'm gonna go back to sleep (its ok, kelly is driving)
Well I am at Lock Haven right now waiting for Kelly's boyfriend to get here and waiting for Lori to finish packing. I'm extremely excited to go skiing.... this is going to be great... I wish I didnt have to drive 7 1/2 more hours to get there tho..... but, it'll be worth it.
I'm really glad that the wedding is over with. It was not good for me to be there. I left the reception at about 3 and got to bed by 3:30 so I got a good 6 hours of sleep in... the good news is that my plan worked well. I was able to stay up all night Friday night.
Another weird thing going on.... my palm has access here at Lock Haven. On T Mobile's coverage map it shows that there is no coverage ANYWHERE around here. I was also talking to Gene when we went to Eat N Park and he has a T Mobile phone and he said that he has yet to find somewhere that it doesnt work... and he drives out of state alot. This could be a good sign! Maybe I'll have access up in NY.... so then, I'll be able to keep posting :) (Steve will be happy).
Well, I'm not gonna post anymore at the moment. I was gonna just whine about the wedding but I decided not to... its over with.... dont care to think about it anymore.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Well I am actually sitting in the church right now. I feel completely wrong for being here. This is just so immoral and totally not right. I knew I'd be upset but I was not expecting to feel like this. This is sooo not right. I don't care what reasons I had for coming to this thing but it doesn't matter... I should not be here.... At all. There should be no wedding... I am at a wedding and I feel like its a funeral. Oh good, here is the music..... This sucks
Almost 6am.... about 9 hours till I can go to sleep.... and yes, it is for the best... trust me :)
Today, last night, whatever..... I bowled out since Jack is going away as well and we only have one sub.... I bowled really well... I had a 160, a 238, and a 209... I had a 607..... I dont think ive ever had a 600..... im usually not consistant at all.... if I did have a 600, I dont remember it... hehe
Work went well.... then we (me, matt, rudy, gene) went to eat n park after we closed to hang out for a while... of course me and gene got into the microsoft vs linux argument.... he accuses me of being biased towards linux... well, ok... I guess I am... but what I dont think he realizes is he is biased towards MS... oh well.... its all in fun... even tho he is wrong :)
I bought a Christmas tree for my room tonight... its all set up now.... after eat n park I went back to the hut so I could write the next schedulel... well.... I think state-of-the-art is synonymous with peice-o-shit..... I sign into our FMS (computer) and go to labor scheduling and it tells me that that function cant be performed until the next day..... for the heck of it, I called the help desk.... the said that running a start of day and forcing it into the next business day MAY work but probably wouldnt.... I tried it... it didnt work.... gotta go back there in an hour (7am) when the computer will finally let me write the schedule.... crazy stuff.
I dont want to go to this wedding today..... I dont support my aunt.... at all.... not to mention I would like it if I could go to bed around 1 and sleep till 9 that way we could head to Lock Haven a bit early.... Lori didnt pack for the trip and all her stuff is still in Lock Haven... and I just find this out.... *sigh* ... it's a little too late now tho.... I'm hoping to be in bed around 3:30pm..... then I'll sleep till like 9:30... that'll give me six hours which is usually plenty for me.... that means we can get on the road around 10pm or so and make it to Lock Haven around 12:30....then from there its about a 7 1/2 hour drive up to White Face..... then we're skiing the same day... i'll be beat Sunday night....
Ok, thats enough blogging for now.... I'm gonna.... I dunno... find SOMETHING to do to occupy me for another hour.

Friday, December 12, 2003

And here is my blog....
Tonight I clocked out with 13.76 hours for the day... now that just is cool :) .... the day went really well. I really like doing this open-close thing. Of course, EVERYTHING always breaks when I'm working... today it was our game machine and our walk in cooler.... the game machine was rather funny.... thanks to Barb. It's too hard to explain in a blog tho... if you are really serious about knowing... ask me.

Also, I have been debating putting the option to leave comments on my blog..... if anyone would like this ability, email me and let me know.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

And so starts my long day.....
I'll be leaving soon for work for my 13 hour shift :) ... Doesnt bug me though... I'm getting my hours in before vacation so thats good.... actually, I prefer these crazy long shifts anyway.... seems like I get more done and it's more worthwhile.... maybe thats just me.
I cant believe we are leaving for skiing in just a few days.... I cant wait... I need a vacation bad. Its only been 4 years.
Even more unbelievable is that my baby is coming home in just a few weeks.... I'll get to see her in about 3 weeks.... which, yes, it's still too long but at least it's getting closer. Gosh do I miss her! It's gonna be so great to spend time with her.... I love her so much!

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Microsoft Sucks!
So I get this remote control for my computer (my computer is my dvd player, tv, stereo, etc - so I almost need it). Anyway, it uses a USB receiver to receive the IR signals from the remote. There are 2 USB ports on the back of my computer. Before the remote one went to my USB hub, and the other to my Handspring Sync Cable. Since the remote is more stationary I figured i'd move my handspring to the hub and plug the remote into the USB port on the back of my computer. This is simple, right? The U stands for Universal... meaning that any device can be plugged into any port and it will function. That is, apparently, unless you are using an MS product as your OS. The remote worked fine.... when I went to sync my handspring tonight it failed. It only took me approx 30 mins to get it working. Apparently since I moved USB ports, Windows detected it as a new device. This typically isnt a big deal as you just tell it to look for the drivers and it will find them already installed on the hard drive. Apparently, this is too easy. For some reason Windows would copy the driver files overtop of themselves (this is normal - stupid, but normal) and then tell me that the services were locked and that installation has failed. I turn off HotSync manager... maybe that was locking them? No luck. Ok, so I havent rebooted my computer in well over a week... maybe thats the solution.... no luck.... go into device manager and tell it to show hidden devices.... Handspring doesnt exsist in it. Press the hotsync button and it shows up for a couple seconds and goes away (when the handspring gives up). What the heck? Reinstall the software..... hit the hotsync button..... found new hardware... ok, now we're getting somewhere...... and of course, the service or whatever is locked. The solution? I had to load up the device manager..... press the hotsyn button and immediately right click the handspring device entry and select uninstall before the handspring gave up and the entry dissappeared again... amazingly, I got this on the first shot. After I uninstalled the driver, I then reinstalled it and FINALLY I was able to sync my data....
Ok, as for today.... nothing really exciting. I worked a 2:30-close shift but the day went so long.... normally long shifts seem to go fast for me... I guess because of the attitude that I go in there with... most of the time I would rather work a 10 or 12 hour shift than a 7 or 8. Tonight was just really slow. We forecasted really low and STILL didnt hit sales. Then the carpet cleaners came so I ended up just sitting around waiting for them....
Since I didnt blog last night, I didnt give you my bowling scores... and I know everyone is dying to hear them.... (by the way steve, what have you been doing since I have missed a few posts?) ... I did really well Monday night..... my team didnt..... we won 2 out of the 7 points.... I had a 173, 179, and a 189. I actually probably should have done alot better... I just got tapped alot.... so many 10 pins for me.... oh well.
Anyway, I work a 1:30-close shift tommorrow so I'm gonna get my butt in bed... I wanna get up early anyway so I can talk to Tiff.

Friday, December 05, 2003

12-05 [18:31] Cphobes: Got a snow blower and greg's first question to me was "that thing got a hemi???"...gotta love it...

I had to post that.... that's Steve (my friend in Mass) and Greg is his little boy. Speaking of snow blowers... WOW

Currently we have 8 inches... and it is still snowing. I think we were like $700-$800 down on sales tonight. I was sending people home left and right and we still had too many people. By 9:00 I think we were down to 3 people (which is the minimum to run the store). The drive home was amazing.... besides sliding off the road three times and doing a 180.... it went well :) ... what a night.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Smile- Chris Rice

How far are you, how close am I
I know your words are true and I don't feel them inside
Still I believe you'll never leave
So where are you now

You're all I have, You're all I know
Your breath is breathing in my soul
Still I am gasping, aching, asking
Where are you now

Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

My journey's here, but my heart is There
So I dream and wait, and keep the faith, while You prepare
Our destiny, til You come back for me
Oh, please make it soon!

Cause I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feels like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

I just wanna be with You
I just want this waiting to be over
I just want to be with You
And it helps to know the Day is getting closer

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feel like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You

Every minute takes an hour
Every inch feel like a mile
Til I won't have to imagine
And I finally get to see You smile

QDB: Quote #157124
For the first time in quite a few months I am not able to fall right asleep. This used to be a serious problem for me but has been under control for a while. I dont think the problem is resurfacing, this is just a bad night. My mind keeps racing about the whole Jason thing. I am really hurt. I keep thinking about what I should do to fix the situation.... but, what can I do? I need to put Pizza Hut above eicomm.... Alot has been going through my mind about it.... Im thinking of telling Jason that he should maybe find someone else to do his contract work. I dont want to do that.... I really enjoying doing the work for eicomm.... and I can definately use the money.... but, I dont want it to get between our friendship. Years ago I lost a best friend over a computer job.... I dont want it to happen again. That other person was not a Christian... Jason is.... so I hope that it doesnt come to that. I just hope that Jason rethinks what he said to me. I dont understand how he can call me unreliable.... I've done alot of work for eicomm.... when customers had problems and couldnt get a hold of jason, I took care of the problem as best I could... or at least calmed the customer down until they could get ahold of jason. Many times he needed something done in a weeks notice and I worked with Steve (my manager) at Pizza Hut to figure out how to rearrange the schedule so that I could help Jason out. I think that Pizza Hut and myself has been extremely fair and accomodating.... but December is just a bad month. I realize that Jason doesnt really understand what its like to work for someone.... especially in the food service industry (in december)..... but I wish he would at least try to understand. This is not my fault... is it? I cant risk my full time job over a one day a month job.... it just doesnt make sense.... but if I lose a friendship over this..... *sigh* I'm gonna go try to sleep some more.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

This day has, for the most part, sucked.
I didnt go to lunch with Jim and Jason today because Jason really pissed me off. He wants me to go down to VA for him in the next couple of weeks and it just isnt going to happen. I am finally going on vacation... the first one for me in about 4 years. As a result I had to fight for days off at work... plus for new years eve and day so I could spend time with Tiff. Steve at work has bent over backwards for me and I really appriciate it. I cant request anything else off this month... its the worst month to do anything.... its our busiest. Jason had the chance to have me full time and he passed it up. I'm not bitter over that at all.. it probably all worked out for the best.... but he needs to realize that he doesnt have me full time. He then continue to call me unreliable and then told me that I just didnt want to go down to VA for him. Far from the case. I could use the money and would love to go down there but I cant risk my full time job for a job that I do once I month. I dont want to lose my work for eicomm, but I have to give Pizza Hut the priority. And if Jason gets sore over this, thats just sad. Steve has already changed schedules to free up time for me to go down to VA for Jason. I think that Pizza Hut has been MORE than fair... it just isnt going to work this time... and for him to put words in my mouth... thats just wrong. Jason has said things before that have upset me... the situation with tiff upset me.... but its ok because I understood where he was coming from.... this is the first time that he ever actually hurt me. I'm really upset and crushed at this point. It's not easy when you are hurt by one of your best friends.
That was just the main thing... there are other situations including the present I bought for Tiff, and the vacation it's self.... Lori wants me to request the 20th off too now.... this all goes right back to the Pizza Hut thing.... I cant just ask for another day off... I talked to Steve and he wants me to try everything to work on the 20th... I cant blame him... he's done enough already.... I just hope I'm not pissing him off with this.
I just want to crawl in a hole right now and ignore that people exsist.... I wish Tiff was here... I could really use some time with her.....

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

And today President Bush himself took a shot at Pittsburgh's roads! For those who dont know, Bush visited Pittsburgh today and at one point in his speach he said that one thing he would do as mayor of this city is fill the pot holes....

Nothing really exciting happened today.... I did pick up me and Lori's skis. My skis ended up not costing me as much as I thought they were going to. We are less than 2 weeks away from our ski trip... I cant wait. Other than getting my skis, today was just a typical day off.

Anticipation is also building for Tiff to come home. We both feel that we can not live apart any longer.... kinda reassures me... its less than a month and she'll be in my arms!
160, 196, 157.... This is the first night in a long time that I ended up getting my average all 3 games. I am very satisfied with the way I bowled. My team won 5 of the 7 points, so we're happy about that too.
I really dont have much more to say so I'm gonna say "I LOVE TIFFANY" and then get myself to bed. My sinuses are bugging me pretty bad.

Monday, December 01, 2003

Disney faces critics at opportune time, analysts say
Its about time someone stands up to Eisner. Disney is getting out of hand. This article doesnt show the content of a letter from Roy to Eisner but it gives a run down of whats going on. Go, Roy, Go!
Wow... thats all to be said after tonight. We did over $1600 in sales today.... thats about $400 over our forecasted plan... and we were short a person because someone called off. Not only did he call off, but he was the closer so after around 8:15, me and Diana were the only people working.... while trying to clean up after the disaster that struck earlier. It was not pretty. Typically from 5-6pm on a Sunday we will do around $200 in sales at which point we have 5 people working in the store.... tonight we did $416 with 4 people in the store. It was a crazy night. Well, I have to be back there at 11:30 tomorrow so I'm gonna get myself to bed. Good night.