Wednesday, January 31, 2007

random thought I typed while talking to a friend:

sometimes I think I know what someone is thinking and then they do something that counteracts that but I sometimes think it may be because I really do know what they are thinking and they just don't want me to know that I know what they are thinking

sometimes I wonder if what I'm thinking is right and they counteract it because THEY don't want it to be true.... kind of like they are building their own reality

blah.... blah.... and blah!

I dunno.... the day started out kind of interesting and fun in some ways.... but as the day went on I felt less and less happy... no real apparent reason why... the weird thing is that this morning I was really sick and as time went on I felt better physically but worse emotionally....

maybe it's true.... maybe I am pregnant... they sent me for an ultrasound and now I have morning sickness... maybe the doctors REALLY aren't telling me something.

Just trying to keep smiling.... I guess I need to just hope for something to do this weekend and get my mind off of everything.

Monday, January 29, 2007

What a day.... go into work and get told that something is wrong with our central system in the fish room which controls the filtration for 75% of our tanks.... the pH was below 6.0 (dont know exactly because test kits don't test that low) and ammonia was up at 4ppm.... for those who don't know, THATS BAD.... quite a few tanks had ich problems..... so was the next few hours of my life....

then the male cockatiel I have been trying to tame decided to bite my lip.....

and THEN our sun conyur decided to bite my cheek and leave me bleeding slightly for a minuet.... really, its an experience......

Honestly tho.... I had a good day.... this morning I was feeling really crappy but things turned around.
"Pain makes us make bad decissions. Fear of pain is almost as big of motivator."
-- Dr. House (House: "Euphoria" Part 2)

Sunday, January 28, 2007

I can not imagine the sacrifice that Jesus made for us...... Even stepping back from people that mean the world to you completely rips me apart.... I would do anything for people that I call friends.... even for those who don't reciprocate it....

But taking that feeling.... of the entire world turning their backs on you......

..... I just can't understand.
One thing that I really wish people understood about depressed people is that they don't understand. Even if they really do understand, in the eyes of the person that is depressed, they dont. Whats worse is people always try to convince the depressed person that it really isnt that bad.... doing this only adds to the point that they don't understand..... because if they did, they wouldnt be trying to make them understand that its not that bad..... all that happens is you frustrate the depressed person and they think even lower of themselves because everyone else thinks its stupid to be upset over whatever it is that is upsetting them.

What happened to just being friends? Asking the person to go do something to cheer them up? Getting their mind off of whatever is bugging them. "Being there" for someone doesnt usually mean fixing their problems.... it means hanging out with them and having fun with them -- and most importantly -- believing that they are really worth something even if they have some problems.

Distant flickering,
Greener scenery,
This weather's bringing it all back again.
Great adventures,
Faces and condensation,
I'm going outside to take it all in.

You say too late to start got your heart in a headlock,
I don't believe any of it.
You say too late to start with your heart in a headlock,
You know you're better than this.

Wear a different pair,
Just something out of step,
Throw a stranger an unexpected smile.
With big intention,
Still posted at your station,
Always on about the day it should have flown.

You say too late to start got your heart in a headlock,
I don't believe any of it.
You say too late to start with your heart in a headlock,
You know you're better than this.
(How can you lose?)
Afraid to start, got your heart in a headlock,
No, I don't believe any of it.
You say too late to start with your heart in a headlock,
You know you're better than this.

You've been walking,
You've been hiding,
And you look half-dead half the time.
Monitoring you, like machines do,
You've still got it I'm just keeping an eye. X2

You know you're better than this,
Can't make a start got your heart in a headlock,
No I don't believe any of it.
You say too late to start with your heart in a headlock,
You know you're better than this.
(How can you lose?)
to start got your heart in a headlock,
I don't believe any of it.
You say too late to start with your heart in a headlock,
You know you're better than this.

"Headlock" by Imogen Heap

Saturday, January 27, 2007

One thing the people that have come into my life have shown me is that, contrary to what I believed, I do have something to offer.... the problem is that it's not enough which is what those same people have taught me by drifting away.
Ode to the Nice Guys
From Penn's Undergraduate Journal (Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003)

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.


Friday, January 26, 2007

"I want to be friends with you and I don't know why"

When a friend of yours tells you that, how are you supposed to take it? This week seems to have gotten worse as it went on.... the primary reason is most likely that I am physically feeling more and more sick. Being sick is something I'm somewhat used to but the thing that's really bugging me is being alone and being sick.... and I guess the fact that I'm alone is causing me to panic a little more than I should.

I'm hoping for a better weekend than I had week.... but for now I need to get myself to bed and hopefully this physical pain will go away.
I can hear you breathing
The taste of
your tender kiss
I’m crazy, crazy tonight
Baby hold me
Capture my heart

Hold me til morning
Love me right now
Catch me, I’m falling
Never let
Hold me til morning
Love me right now

Let my love surround you
My face
inside your hands
I’m crazy, crazy tonight
Baby hold
me tonight
Capture my heart

Hold me til
Love me right now
Catch me, I’m falling
Never let go

Hold me til morning
Love me

And I will never be the same again
Tonight lives
forever in my dreams
And I will be there when the morning
Tonight lasts forever

Hold me til
Love me right now
Catch me, I’m falling
Never let go
Hold me til morning
Love me

Hold me til morning
Love me right now
Catch me, I’m
Never let go
Hold me til morning

"Hold Me" by Plumb

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile."
-- Albert Einstein.

Monday, January 22, 2007

History was made today.... I actually picked up a mouse and had him on the back of my hand. Its something that I had been working towards. About 6 months ago, I couldnt even walk beside a mouse cage in a pet store... actually, I couldnt even deal with mice on TV.... I have to say, it feels really good to overcome such a huge fear. Im still a bit squeamish around rats but I was able to get one rat cage cleaned without freaking out too bad.... but I cleaned all of the mouse, hamster, and gerbil cages.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

I so often feel out of place but yet, I know that there is a purpose for all of it. I mean, no matter where I am there is something that makes me feel like I am way out of place.

First of all, I swear I was born in the wrong year. I act like a completely different age than what I am and I act like someone who has the attitude and values of the early 1900's ... but then again, I tend to be someone who is all about new things... innovations.... and they just don't seem to mix.

Then, of course, I am a Christian.... but yet, I don't fit the stereotype of what people think a "Christian" is so as a result, people don't understand me. I'm honestly glad that I am not like most Christians but yet when I say I am a Christian, all of a sudden I'm tagged as someone who is holier than thou and will never do things such as drink alcohol, or go to a club, or whatever else may be happening. So, of course, no one invites me anywhere.... I don't fit in with the Christians tho because I have different attitudes.... so I'm left with this little group of people that often seems to only consist of me.

And now I live in Northern VA which is an area of a huge amount of greed.... every man for himself and money is the sign of success.... yet, I grew up as a country boy where we are all about helping each other.... so I try to help where I can and I get tagged as a "freak" because it's just not normal to help people or to think about someone other than yourself..... and of course, if it's a girl, I automatically have other motives.....

I am a geek at heart.... I like computers so that means that I automatically hate people, right? No one takes the time to realize that I am a human being who really enjoys being around people.... actually, I NEED to be around people.... but geeks are odd and no one wants to stick around them unless they have a computer problem....

I just fit into all the wrong stereo types.... ones the describe exactly who I am NOT.... and at the end of the day, I'm left as a lonely person because no one understands me.... but the biggest problem of all isn't that no one understands me but that they just don't care to look at my heart and find out who I really am.

It's really tough but I do know that there is a reason that God has put me when and where I am.... there is a purpose whether I feel it or not. I don't understand why so many horrible things happen to me.... and I really don't understand why I can't just be blessed with a friend who is someone that will always be there for me no matter what.... While it's not neccesary, I still so often feel like Moses before he had Aaron.... And when it comes to relationships, I can't understand why God has chosen for me to be alone for now.... but He is God and I am not.... so all I can do is trust Him and pray that he would someday bring some really strong friendships into my life and eventually bring that one special girl into my life who thinks that I am worth more and worth standing by me no matter what happens.

I deal with the pain of a broken heart so many days of my life.... and sometimes it seems my heart just ends up in even smaller pieces... every now and then someone comes into my heart that seems to care about who I am... they start helping me pick up some of the pieces but then they realize that the job is more than they had expected and they leave, dropping the pieces they picked up and breaking them into even smaller ones.

So now here is my disclaimer... this post isn't because I'm depressed or anything.... I'm doing ok.... sure, I have some struggles but I'm hanging in there.... I'm just trying to get some thoughts down.... and if I put it here and someone happens to understand what I'm talking about, well, maybe it can be a source of comfort to them.... thats actually the prayer I have for my entire blog.... I show some really deep feelings that I have here because maybe there is someone else out there who just really needs to hear that they are not alone.... thats why I allow myself to post negative feelings at times....

At any rate, if your in the north east, I hope you're enjoying the snow.... it's beautiful down here as long as your not on the roads.... and it has nothing to do with the roads and everything to do with the fact that people around here just simply can not drive.... you'd think a dusting of snow was the apocalypse.

Hope you all have a great week!

Its about time.... thats all Im saying :)
I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

"Cut" by Plumb

Saturday, January 20, 2007

12 hours of sleep is a great feeling.... The crazy dream I had is another story....

So this is a weird one.... not reading anything into it, but just writing it down because it's, well, odd.... So the dream was basically that Tiff was being attacked by someone and just some really weird things were going on and it seemed like a repeat of things that were going.... literally I knew what was going to happen next because I lived the situation one or two times before. I remember trying to do everything that I could to stop the inevitable from happening and at one point, I knew the time and day that Tiff was going to be killed. At this time, we were dating.... and I remember my parents screaming and yelling at me for trying to find a way to visit Tiff because they said I'd have plenty of time but they didnt realize that I knew she was going to die in a few hours. I ended up not making it in time but by time I got there, it was after the time..... but she was still alive.... didnt really know why but it apparently had something to do with something I was trying to do to protect her. When I saw her I really wanted to spend time with her but she didnt have any time, she said. I tried to figure out a time to visit her again and there was an excuse for everything.... eventually I had found out in my persistent questioning that she was dating 2 other people.... and lie upon lie came out of what she had lied to me about.... I drove away extremely upset and having no care whether I ever saw her again or not.... and being upset that I even bothered trying to help her.

So the craziest part of this dream is because its a lot of the way I feel... I mean, I don't know that I've done anything to help Tiff in the time that I have know her but in a general way, this is the way I feel alot -- not specifically related to Tiff, however. I mean, it seems that I try so hard to help people and all I get in return is... well, lies - if anything at all. And, no, it is not neccesary to get something in return for helping someone... I don't believe that a single bit... the hard part is when you feel like there is no one there to support you -- which is a way that I often feel. And maybe that's why my parents in the dream were not supporting me in trying to see Tiff... it wasn't because they didn't care but more that they didnt understand that I knew something that they did not.... I needed to make a crazy decission because of the information that I had.... now, granted, my parents have always been greatly supportive of me but when it comes to friends and extended family, well, there is a lack of a support because of a lack of understanding. The worst part of the dream was the last part -- not caring if I ever saw Tiff agian.... which is sometimes how I end up feeling.... if someone hurts me really bad, I don't just give up but I seem to sometimes lose all care for that person.... giving up isn't a bad thing, rather good..... but the not caring part isn't a good thing.... I think that my heart continues to become cauloused no matter how hard I try to prevent it. It's like going into caverns and you see the tunnels and stuff and the top of the tunnels in many caverns need to be touched or eventually, they tunnels will start growing closed from the water moving the soil lower and lower.... and I guess that's the way it is with the heart .... if no one touches your heart it starts growing closed.... sure, maybe it makes the whole heart stronger but it closes the ability to let anyone see the true beauty of who you are. We need people to touch our hearts and be there for us -- if we don't have that, our hearts just naturally close.
Random Observation: I really need to quit chewing my fingernails..... broken skin and working in marine aquariums just .... well, shall we say "puts salt on the wounds".....

Monday, January 15, 2007

New Life was amazing....
The baltimore aquarium..... amazing
Meeting new friends..... yup, amazing

Having friends that care about who you are..... priceless

Ok, so it was sounding like a mastercard commerical so I had to do the priceless thing.... but seriously.... sometimes we get so discouraged and its like God has these people that are lined up just waiting for us to meet them and when the time comes that you need a friend more than you ever had, thats when He introduces you.... sometimes those ways are odd.... but that's not what is important.

I learned a lot about me today.... I saw a lot of fish.... and I did it all with a great friend.

God is good!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Well, I think 12 hours of sleep did me well. Its been a long week physiologically.... I have been on an emotional roller coaster and Ive also been physically not well at times.... I think the physical is creating the emotional, tbh.

This blog post is going to highlight some cool things that I havent really blogged about this week.

First of all, Apple announced the iPhone on Tuesday and in the tech world it's the equivalent of porn - just less evil :) It should be shipping in June from Cingular and it appears to be the best smart phone to date. In Apple's history they don't just make something to fit in - they make it great, new, and innovative and everyone else follows them. It's expected to have a $499 price tag which is actually a lot cheaper than I was thinking. Not sure if it's something Ill be getting or not. If I go with it, im sure I could recoupe most of the cost by selling my Nokia 9300 on ebay. My big question is whether SSH and VNC are going to be in it's capabilities..... We have a good 6 months to watch and see tho :)

And my little girl, Lisa.... yesterday was the first time she was outside. When I first took her out, she did some flying off my shoulder but of course she can't fly very far so it wasnt a problem. After a few mins I think she realized her surroundings and climbed up on my shoulder and hung out real close to my face..... While it was good for her, I think it scared her a bit too. The cutest thing with her this week was her rapping.... I have been playing the Super Mario Bros theme song for her alot hoping that she will learn it but this week I was listening to ETW which is an old school Christian hip-hop group..... all of a sudden, Lisa started immitating the beat and it was the cutest thing in the world....

Well, I am at the metro station in Vienna waiting for my friend who should be here soon. We're headed to church and then up to Baltimore Harbor to go to the Baltimore Aquarium.... should be a fun day...... and hopefully this will be a better week.... I do have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday which has been a long time coming. Should be an interesting week if nothing else.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Yesterday I posted lyrics to a song by Kids in the Way. The song is a song I always liked but yesterday when I heard it on Sirius 67, it really stood out.... just didnt know why.

I've learned something over the last month.... and I think maybe this adds to the focus of something God is teaching me: why bad things happen to good people. I've definately progressed to a point in my life over the last few years that I am happy that I have experienced all of the pain that I have and that, given the opportunity, I would not go back and change anything -- because this is who I am now because of what happened them. I went through a good couple of months where I experienced very little emotional pain.... and I look back and I realize that most of my blog posts have not been extremely insightful. Why do bad things happen to good people? Well, maybe it's because its the bad things that make them good people? Maybe it's because the good people are the only ones who have the ability to take a bad situation and use it to minister to someone else.... and maybe it's because good people want to help people and in the long run, they are happy that the bad things happen because of the good they bring later. If you think about it, isn't this what Jesus did for all of us? If you want to talk about a bad thing, He died on the cross for our sins. He even asked the Father to "let this cup pass Him by" because he didnt want to experience the pain. In the end, Jesus had the Joy of knowing that He saved the world. If Jesus was given the chance, He wouldn't go back and change it. And if we are created in His image, well, doesnt that mean that we have the same capability?

Last night was a pretty confusing night... and it was after a very hectic day at work. Once I got home, I basically went straight to bed and really wasn't feeling all that well emotionally.... this morning I woke up and still had this nagging of trying to figure out what had happened. I watched some videos on the net and ended up just laying down on my bed for a bit watching Lisa walk around and explore the bed.... I had closed my eyes for a short time and I started thinking about a lot of different things.... well, more so aspects of the things that were confusing me. The things that confuse me were not specific actions on my part or on someone else's part but they were the motivations behind those actions. As I sat thinking about this, I remembered the song I posted yesterday.... the it hit me: Everything we do seems to almost always create a piece of fiction. We really are making fiction of our lives.

Think about it.... everything we do is a certain amount of smoke and mirrors. If you go for a job interview, you may not lie but you sure stretch the truth or you present the truth in a way that it sounds really good. If you're selling something, you try to find the best way to make that product look as good as it is. We use this psychology all the time and in some cases, it is a good thing. The problem is that I think over the years, we have all developed this sense of the need to make things what they are not.... It happens when you're selling a product and you build it up too much and the customer buys it and it's not at all what they expected. I'm not a sales person but I do sell stuff at work.... and I make it a point not to try the most expensive thing to a person unless it truly is something that would benefit them... why? Quite simply, I want that person to be happy with their purchase and when they are happy with it, it will bring them back to me to purchase something else when they need it because my recommendation worked well for them. Worst case scenario here is I make something out to be what its not, a customer buys it and eventually brings it back and doesnt visit my store again..... but, what happens when this same process gets applied to an emotional situation? What if we don't like who we are and we try to hide it from someone because we think that in no way they could like us for who we are? What about the girls on myspace in their underwear? Society jokes about myspace having this epidemic.... but is anyone bothering to think what is going on? It's not about control -- its about these girls feeling like they have nothing so they need to make themselves something they are not. If you take a picture in your underwear, you'll get attention from guys -- but the attention is being brought to a product that isn't anything more than marketing. You build a profile on any social networking site and you make keywords like sex and drinking... or whatever you think that is going to attract someone to you..... but what about the keywords that aren't often used? Sadly, they don't get enough hits.... the difference is, the marketing matches the product and when the "customer" finds that product, then they will be happy with their "purchase".

It really is sad that the best way to describe the process of relationships in this day and age is to compare it to a marketing scheme... but that is exactly what it is. We try to become something we are not. The really hard part is when you run across someone that is completely open and honest -- all of a sudden, you can not trust them because, well, they aren't like everyone else.... it doesnt seem like they have any bells and whistles so I guess we also think that if they are doing any kind of marketing, the real product is pretty pitiful.... then this entire process takes the open and honest person and makes them feel like they are absolutely nothing.

I think all of this is a huge reason why psychology is becoming such a huge domain in the medical fields.... we have created so much fiction and created a world that requires us to write fiction of our lives that we now need to create a way to break through the fiction and figure out what the truth is. That's the whole process of psychology.... you say words and a professional figures out how to break those words down and filter out the fiction and find out what your true inside is feeling. So many people have become so good at hiding what is really going on that they don't even realize it themselves. And I think we all know at least someone who creates so many lies that he or she believes them themselves. All we are doing is creating a snowball effect that makes the next generation need more and more fiction in order to survive.

On Sunday Tim used an example in his sermon of his wife taking up violin just because it got her out of class for a day a week. She didnt enjoy doing violin but she still kept going because she got out of class. She started building this image of who she wasnt based on something she wanted to accomplish (getting out of class). When the concert came, she was clueless. Thankfully, she was in a group of people so no one could single her out... but what if she would have been? What if we are emotionally hurt in a way and we want to avoid it.... often times we create something that becomes a part of us but yet really isn't us. Over the years, this new part of us becomes a visible part of us and we become known for something that doesn't even match who we are -- and next thing you know, we are at war with ourselves because, quite honestly, we don't know who WE are anymore. We continue to create this world that is dependent on fiction and it's filtering into our relationships.... we're creating people that we're not and we're acting like we're happy when we're not.... maybe this is why sex is becoming such a huge part of society... It's such an easy way to cover up a problem -- but the problem never goes away...... and I think people start having sex and all of a sudden they realize that they've had sex with a lot of people and the create a fictional spin on top of the fictional spin which makes them happy with the fact that they are happy with the thing they created to make them look happy..... We're in a world now where no one wants to commit to anything and that includes marriage, girlfriends/boyfriends, friendships, and even family. We're affraid to commit to a relationship because a commitment to a relationship (and I'm not even saying just a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship) means that the other person will start finding out who you really are over time and we're afraid of that.... We can't let people see who we are or how we are feeling because maybe they won't like us anymore... or maybe we don't even know what they are going to find that we, ourselves, don't even know. So now we create an enviornment of "open relationships" so that we won't let one person be able to focus in on who we really are because we're, instead, letting lots of people know very little about us. We become the jack of all trades but master of none -- except we're dealing with other people's lives instead of just fixing parts of a computer or building parts of a house.

Out of all this fiction and pain that we are creating, we've lost the ability to learn from our mistakes because our fiction is becoming reality to one part of us while we hide that part of us that is who we really are. When you take any kind of psychological test or online surveys that determine you are one way and you're shocked because you think you're another way -- well, maybe you need to look at what that test says and do some searching because maybe you've created a front to who you really are and eventually you forgot who you really were.

And the worst thing is.... the people who are trying so hard to be open and honest end up with no one to be open and honest to.

Friday, January 12, 2007

I had the strangest dream
That you were lost at sea
I found you drowning on the ocean floor
I woke from my deep sleep to end the misery
I found you lying outside of my door
I tried to wake you up
To shake you up
And found out you were dead

Like a leaf in the wind you left me standing alone
To face the demons in my head

We're making fiction of our lives
Burning pages as we write
We read the lies between the lines
These dead letters won't survive

A dusty record spins
An old song plays again
The needle drags across it's skin
Ink spills through my pen
The paper soaks it in
The music bringing tremors to my hands

I can't just give you up
Just lift you up to chance on a dragon fly's wings
With my love in the wind you left me standing alone
Hoping it brings you back to me

We're making fiction of our lives
Burning pages as we write
We read the lies between the lines
These dead letters won't survive [x2]

We are not poets
We have not right to make amendments
This story's over
This chapter's closing
I don't know how it ends
But I really don't like how it begins

We're making fiction of our lives
Burning pages as we write
We read the lies between the lines
These dead letters won't survive [x2]

We're burning pages
We're burning pages now

"Fiction" by Kids in the Way

Thursday, January 11, 2007

I want to write something here but I just dont think words are capable. Sometimes you think something is going to amazing and, while it is extremely amazing, its not at all amazing in the way you had expected.

God does amazing things in our lives but what He does often remains a mystery for a long while -- but so many times this only makes things even more amazing.

There is something that I didnt realize until tonight.... I really just never realized how much pain my heart has been carrying. The saying goes "if you dont use it, you'll lose it" and I think this applies to all of our hearts. What I mean is the ability to feel emotions. If people dont take interest in your heart, it will become hard.... The harder it becomes, the more effort required to break it. Sure, you could say that breaking a heart means pain..... exactly! You will never be able to fully love or be loved until your heart has those rocks removed. So when the first person that comes along that is actually commited to helping, you better expect some painful times. You havent felt certain emotions in a while so you may not understand what is happening.... but you'll start learning all you knew before.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Ok, new day and starting fresh and I dont see any reason why it wont be a good one! :)
Thank God this day is over.... its been horrible from beginning to end.... there actually are no words for how horrible I felt all day.... Its been a very long time since Ive felt this depressed.... and in my typical fashion, I take the opportunity to screw everything up that actually is good..... then, i post to my blog like this for no purpose at all because the only people reading this could give a crap less about me.... id assume most are just waiting for the next thing to go wrong.

They say tomorrow is another day.... I guess I can just hope for the best.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Sometimes this emotional roller coaster is a lot worse than other times.... last night into today has been one of those times. One hour of the day, I feel great... then all of a sudden, my mind just messes with me, I guess. The only thing that is seemingly constant is this nagging feeling of loneliness. And I don't know what, if any, solution there is for that... I mean, I can feel extreme loneliness in the presence of many other people. I could be having a great time talking to people and yet, still, I feel lonely.

Things are definately a lot better know that I am working at Fox Mill Pets and I am interacting with people -- and doing something that I feel is much more rewarding than any data center job I've had. There is no doubt that it is better.... on that whole aspect of my life, I am so much better than I was 4 months ago... and especially a year or two ago while working for Carpathia. Things are getting better.... but I guess it's that nagging going on that I am 26 and I really want to have a family to care for and care for me....

I don't know what the answer to this day is...
I scream at the sky, it's easier than crying
I'm shyest when I'm shouting out loud
I feel so alone in a room full of people
I'm loudest when I'm in a crowd
I'm alone, and nobody hears me
Can't nobody heal me, won't somebody help me
I'm alone, I just need
Someone to take my hand and pick me up when I'm feeling down

Someone to take my heart and give it a home
Someone to help me through the times when I'm
down and lonely
Someone to be with me when I'm alone
I'm alone, all alone
Alone is the way I live, it's not the way I want it but you know
You can't give in, alone is the way I feel,
it's so hard to understand
Why I've got to be alone

If you took a look at my heart you'd see it
I'm trying to be something better
If you look at my heart you'd feel it
I've got to keep moving on
If you look in my heart you'd know it
I'm just trying to make my world better
If you look in my heart you'd see it
I got to do it alone

I've been down, I've been down
I've been down, down, down so low
I've been lost, so lost with no place left to go
I've had emotions, emotions that you better hope you never know
Sometimes it feels like I just can't take no more


Seems like things just keep getting further out of hand
Why can't for once things go as I plan
How dare you, how dare you tell me that you understand
Let me tell you straight out, there ain't nobody here that can
I'm all alone, I'm so alone, to be alone, just leave me alone

If you look in my heart, you'll see it
If you look in my heart, you'd feel it
If you look in my heart you'd know it
I'm not trying to make no one bitter
I'm just alone, leave me alone, alone, alone, now leave me

I've lived in places that you wouldn't never ever want to be
Places where for a minute you couldn't ever stand to be
I've seen things, I've seen things you'd never want to see
So what gives, what gives you the right to be the judge of me
I'm all alone, I'm so alone, to be alone, just leave me alone

A room full of people, can't nobody hear me, can't nobody
help me, I'm alone
I just need someone to take my hand and pick me up when I'm
feeling down, when I"m down
Someone to take my heart and give it a home, when I'm down
Someone to be with me and help me through the times
I'm down and lonely, when I'm down
Someone to be with me when I'm alone
I'm alone, all alone
Alone is the way I live, it's not the way I want it, but I
Know I can't give in
Alone is the way I feel, there ain't nothign quite as sad as
a person that's alone

"Alone" by Suicidal Tendencies
Sometimes I have a love-hate relationship with who I am. Overall, I am happy about who I am, who I have become, and who I am becomming... but sometimes the things that I am happy about end up creating a lot of pain for me. Mainly I care so much about people that I worry about them when there is really no reason to worry at all... at least thats what my mind tells me.... I'm happy that I'm such an emotional person, but it's so easy for me to be hurt that sometimes I wish I wasn't.

This morning I have had a lot of different things on my mind, as well as a lot of different people. I really don't know what to think about a lot of things.

This is about the third post I've started drafting this morning.... I just don't know how to put into words whats going on in my brain.... and, for me, that is a horrible feeling. I'm not sure that this post even captures how I am feeling, but I'm going to just post it anyway -- simply because if I don't I will continue typing up nonsense words until I do post something.

The thought for the morning: blah
This is getting freaky... second night in a row that I lay in bed, unable to sleep, and a random song that I have not heard in over a year pops into my head and wont leave.... so here is that one.

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why
But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say
But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for
Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
I don't know

"Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon

Monday, January 08, 2007

This song has just been running through my head. I havent heard it in years yet Im just laying in bed singing it over and over in my mind.... *shrug*

Dreams within the still of night
On wings of hope take flight inside of me
There upon some distant shore
We want for nothing more than what will be
And you and i, here we are
I wonder as weve come this far...
If I could only read your mind
Tell me the answer I would find
Do you dream of me?
And when youre smiling in your sleep
Beyond the promises we keep
Do you dream of me?
Love has found a magic space
A deep and hidden place where time stands still
Now I hold you in my arms
You know you hold my heart and always will
And you and i, here we are
And its a wonder that weve come this far.
And after all that weve been through
Youve leaned on me, Ive leaned on you
Do you dream of me?
And when youre smiling in your sleep
Beyond the promises we keep
Do you dream of me?
If I could only read your mind
Tell me the answer I would find
Do you dream of me?
And when youre smiling in your sleep
Beyond the promises we keep
Do you dream of me?
And after all that weve been through
Youve leaned on me, Ive leaned on you.
Do you dream of me?

"Do You Dream of Me" by Michael W Smith

Sunday, January 07, 2007

The world keeps looking for something perfect.... and in my own life, I keep looking for that perfect someone.... but I've had a huge reminder this weekend that perfect people do not exist... It's not a perfect person that we need but an honest person. People make mistakes and if we can't get over someone's past, then we'll never get to know who they truly are.... The thing is, it's not about who they were but about who they are.

It's no wonder that we all walk around totally discouraged.... We're looking for something that we're just not going to find. The perfect car or the perfect house.... but the perfect car breaks down too.... just the same as the plumbing can be a problem in a house.... True, the newer the cars are or the houses are, the less problems there are -- but they build up over time and we eventually realize that they, too, are not perfect. If we put a huge amount of faith into those items then it's a huge let down when they do let us down. There is so much beauty in imperfection... and we miss that beauty because we're so caught up in in perfection that we miss the beauty hidden in that which is imperfect.

A lot of people have always said to me about how finding someone exactly like you can create a huge problem.... Opposites attract.... and all that fun stuff. If that is true, and it seems like there is a good amount of truth to that, doesnt it seem logical that our idea of a perfect person is actually the worst possible person for us?

Enough getting caught up in these rules and these checklists.... sometimes the connection is all you need... and the rest just seems to fit into place -- no matter how different the puzzle pieces may seem. Miracles do happen.... even if it means puzzles pieces morphing into different shapes.
I am unsure of whether I am becoming trendy or just feeding my new-found Apple addiction, but I just placed my order for an iPod. I'm getting a refurbished 40GB iPod w/ Click Wheel and Dock.... The Apple store's refurb center has them for $130 so I figured what the heck?

Ok, stop laughing! :)

Saturday, January 06, 2007

I should not be going to the mall to eat so I can look at cute girls in shorts and tank tops. Yes, I am a guy.... the reason why I shouldnt be is BECAUSE ITS JANUARY!!! However, the recent weather is allowing such activity :)

Friday, January 05, 2007

Someone correct me if I'm wrong.... but it IS January, right? I'm just a tad confused since the last 2 days I've not wore a coat AND drove around with my window down.... If I end up driving my Samurai without the roof in the next few weeks, I may be convinced of all this global warming hype!

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -- 2 Corinthians 12:10

I have been laying in bed just thinking.... cant sleep.... but what is really getting me is that I started 2007 out being pretty down.... it seemed to get worse hour by hour... and I found myself getting more and more discouraged.... But Im learning all over again that sometimes when God seems like He is far away, He is actually closer than ever.... It really is a reminder of what God layed on my heart a while ago.... actually, multiple times. It is the times that you feel like you have absolutely no control that God is able to do something miraculous..... and that miracle may not mean anything to anyone... except you. It may come from someone saying something that comforts you in ways that no one can even realize. Sometimes its just amazing the little things that can make more of an impact than they were even meant to.

I think 2007 is going to be a great year..... and it took a total stranger to show me that. This may be the year when strangers turn into best friends and best friends turn into strangers. I do know one thing that 2007 is not going to be any different that previous years: Its going to be another year of changes, choices (sometimes seemingly illogical ones), risks, faith, and most of all, miracles.

Its time for that word again....


Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Its about time a company embraces the idea that the world is different. This is a really awesome thing that Starbucks did!

End of the RIAA Terror Reign?

Looks like there is a lot riding on the RIAA the end of this month. Let's hope for the best.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Well, first post of 2007 I guess.... and I'd like to take this moment to thank Ryan Sechrist and the rest of Dick Clark's crew for making me just feel a little more pathetic.... They say more than 50% of everyone will kiss someone for new years and they had to rub it in by saying that just about every person in new york city was kissing someone.... thanks for that.

So I'm really hoping that 2007 does bring me some meaning.... We'll see what God does.... the fortunate thing is that I am not the 2006 Darwin Award Recipient:

(2006, England) The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who, uh, remove themselves from it...

Like two people, 17 and 20, who imitated Darth Vader and made light sabres from fluorescent light tubes. That's right, they opened up fluoresceent tubes, poured gasoline inside, and lit the end... As one can imagine, a Star Wars sized explosion was not far behind. One died, the other survived to 'fess up to their creative, but stupid, reenactment.

Darwin says: "Some moderators say 17 is too young, but I disagree. This one passes the "minors rule" because 17 is legal driving age. Old enough to pump gas is old enough to know not to light it."