Saturday, October 27, 2007

This past week has really brought some anxiety with it. Between wondreing how I'm going to do without my one medicine because I can't afford a doctors appointment to my laptop finally completely biting the dust, to worrying about important people in my life..... I really could go on. I'm really worried about a lot of things right now but that's not the purpose of this Blog.

Since I have moved to Warren County I have really been liking it. I do really like my house and I really like the fact that it is back in the woods. I really like sitting at my computer and watching the squirrels run around outside my window.... Or the deer that share these woods with me as their home. The problem? Me forgetting to actually take the time to enjoy these things.

Right now I'm sitting on my back deck... The moon is shining through the trees, the breeze is blowing leaves on the trees... There is a dog barking in the distance.... Deer passing through my yard.... And the traffic on the interstate is off in the distance as a reminder that there is a time to be in that mess and a time to enjoy the blessing that God has given me by retreating from all of that mess at night.

Its amazing how nature takes care of it's self and yet we are constantly stressed and frustrated. The difference is that nature just let's things happen and we second guess everything that comes our way. We are such a proud species that we can control our fate, yet all we do is screw it up. We ignore our gut feelings in order to follow our human logic which is obviously flawed ... Only to some day realize that our gut feeling was right. And our logic tells us to learn from our mistakes but yet the next time our intuision tells us something, we promptly ignore it in order to find that it was, yet again, correct.

I really can not understand why we act the ways that we do and how we ignore evidence that we are bringing more problems on ourselves. I guess that's our pride again. We just don't want to admit that maybe we were wrong.

We have been given so much but we forbid ourselves to accept that because there is more out there. We forbid ourselves to enjoy what we have because it simply isn't "good enoug" despite the fact that it may be the answer to some dreams but the problem is there are now better dreams.

We forget to enjoy the blessings that are in our lives and we lose them because we just simply could not admit that that single blessing was "good enough"

Friday, October 26, 2007

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

I've recently started a note on my blackberry of things that I believe I am.... I wanted to post what I have so far here.....

a computer geek
a compassionate person
someone who sometimes trusts people too much but still believes its worth it
someone who is easy to taken advantage of and usually is
a country boy
someone interested in the way the human mind works
someone who gets bored with repetitive chores
someone who wants the opportunity to create and innovate
someone who wants to make things better for as many people as possible
someone who weaps inside for people but tries to be strong for that person
someone who wants people to show him he is loved and/or appreciated without having to ask if he is
someone who truly loves God and wants to serve Him but seems to always screw that up
someone who does his best to be happy with what he has been dealt whether its good or bad
someone who puts others so far above himself that he forgets he needs to take care of himself as well
someone who would rather have hurt himself rather than hurt someone else
someone who is emotionally broken and feels that there is no one who has, or ever will, help his heart heal
someone who believes that, someday, everything will make sense
a passionate animal lover
someone that experiences emotions that can't be explained - especially when witnessing someone else's feelings being hurt
once a conservative but now more on the liberal side
someone that believes Christians are the biggest reason why the Church is seen as such a negative thing
someone that knows that preaching to a non-believer is one of the most ineffective things you can do
someone who never really seems to have someone to turn to when he needs it
a complete failure at most financial matters
someone who can't keep going on alone
someone who dreams dreams but loses them when he realizes that no one is interested in helping where he needs help
someone who would do anything for a friend but has trouble finding friends that would do the same
someone who feels worthless when he has nothing left to give
someone who can not stand to see a child hurting in any way - especially when its not needed
someone who can't understand the world but tries his best
someone who looks deep in to someone else to understand who they really are and ignores all the external actions that are usually the result of unfair circumstances that happened in their life

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I have been watching a lot of episodes of Judge Judy tonight and just laughing at the stupidity of people until this last one I just watched. The case was of a mom who was evicting her son from an apartment that she owned. Judge Judy found no reason for the eviction but it appeared that it was simply because she just didn't like the fact that her son was living with a woman that had a child.

I simply can not fathom this. My best friend is a single mother and she is one of the greatest people I know. Sure, she has shortcomings but don't we all? And maybe being in a relationship with a single mother would have additional responsibilities but these are expected and there are additional rewards to actually caring about a child - have you ever had one smile at you? I just can not fathom how someone could write off their own son because he cares about not only someone who has a child but a child as well.

What really gets me about this is something that always has bugged me. Sex before marriage is a "tolerable sin" but having a child is just a plain unacceptable sin? People place degrees on things instead of just seeing right or wrong. Gray areas exist inside peoples beliefs by what they hold true as right or wrong should be just that. Its like someone saying that breaking in to someone else's house is wrong as long as you don't take or harm anything. If you are someone that believes breaking in to someone's house is ok, well, I'm sure your not going to argue that stealing is wrong. You just can't skew consequences because of the result of something you believe wrong occurred. Furthermore, how dare you attack someone who actually has forgiven someone of their past. From experience I can say that its not always easy to recognize someone for who they are now rather than what they've done but I can also tell you that in doing that I have found treasures inside of someone's heart and mind that no one would have been able to find without actually caring about someone and her little girl.

I guess the bottom line is I care about my friend very much and if anyone accuses me for being wrong for that then it really is their problem and not mine.... While I know my mom (who actually wants to meet these 2) would never attack me for something like that, there is no way that I would respond any different to here than I would anyone else.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or
60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around
to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: -)

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list


Sunday, October 07, 2007

"The rule is this: Christians are people who remember their own weaknesses and failure. They are under reconstruction. So they offer hope and forgiveness to people who fall and who need Jesus' healing grace and hope."
-- Donald M Joy
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
I honestly can't understand what has been going on recently. I have so many thoughts going through my head and so many things that I want to get on here but I sit down to write something and I'll get started but after typing a while I have to stop. It's not because my thoughts are not good because I really believe that they are but the problem is that once I get started and write a few paragraphs (or sometimes more), I feel like it's totally incomplete so I erase what I wrote and leave the computer.

Quite frankly, a lot of very strange things have been happening with me recently. I can't say any of them are bad but there is definately something different about me. I really do feel like God is about to push me in some new directions and, while this can sometimes make me nervous, I think it often makes those around me more nervous :) It seems when I hit situations like this it requires a huge leap of faith and is almost always something that defies logic. I often face people that lecture me and tell me how off-course I am.... I face people that run in fear because they want to defend me to the latter but they just aren't able to justify it themselves.... I have people that run away just because they don't want to deal with anything.... What I think the scariest part about this is is the fact that no one is ever really there to support me. Sure, God's in it.... but as far as anyone around me, it's all about second-guessing my actions, my beliefs, my intelligence....

What is really starting to get me is that over these years I've grown used to doing this stuff on my own (don't lecture me - I know God is in it - I'm reffering to physical surroundings) and it seems like I'm just training myself to be alone. I'm not fond of it.... I'm not fond of living in this awesome house by myself. I love where I live and I love helping people and being around people but the situations that I have been led in to and the (no doubt God-given) decissions that I have made have really pushed me away from... well, that's just it - I don't know. The only thing I'm really sure about is that being alone is something that is becomming a part of my life and I don't like it one bit.

I don't know where my life is about to go.... I never really do. I just really hope that maybe this is the change that God does that involves me actually finding someone who cares for me and wants to be around me and help me as much as I help her. There are plenty of people in my life for that I care for whole-heartedly but maybe sometime soon I will find the one that not only will do the same for me but actually DESIRES to do it.