Sometimes I really struggle with life but its not the struggle I question but the reason for the struggle that bugs me. I have a lot of things happen to me that people have to look at me and say "quit being so irresponsible and you won't have these problems".... and while there are some people that certainly respond to me that way the thing is that I also have to question where I'm being irresponsible and then when I find few places that I could change I start to think that I'm just simply blind and lost which ends up frustrating me even more.
I know there is a concept that I've mentioned in my blog before that I still struggle with simply because, in some ways, it actually sounds like I'm indicating God is wanting me to be irresponsible. I don't believe this at all but what I struggle with is if God is just letting me get into scenarios where the end result always looks like I'm being irresponsible. What's the reason? Well, its the climb I guess. In 1999 it was really hard to find anyone that thought moving to Florida to work at Disney World without even having a place to live was a responsible move..... and quite honestly when I look back I wonder if it was but then I realize the reality of what 2000 looked like for me when many people who I knew before and after where constantly commenting on how much more mature I was after coming back. There were so many other things that happened as well like the college education for only 1 year, and the decissions I made with certain jobs that just didn't seem logical..... my life is full of them and I can't really blame anyone for looking at me as being irresponsible because sometimes I have to ask myself that question. What I've learned, however, is that illogical and irresponsible don't always go hand in hand especially when you're trying your best to answer to a supernatural God who has an understanding far above our own.
It was somewhere between 2 to 3 years ago that my life started to feel stable for the first time. I had bought a house (a house that, at the time, I could easily afford), I had ended up running my own business that was really doing quite well.... things were just awesome. I thought that maybe God was done letting these horrible things happen in my life. In May I turned 30 and there was starting to be a bit of a financial pinch at that point but ultimately I felt like I had become one of these so-called adults and was only dealing with normal adult stuff. In reality, it was the peak and the little struggle was just the start of that downhill descent that is possibly one of the largest that I've had to deal with in a very long time, if at all.
Ultimately, this economy has kicked my ass. In 2009 my income had dropped drastically to the point where I made just a little over half of what I made in 2008 and while I had some good months in 2010 I also had some really bad ones as well..... things that I just couldn't get around. I fell behind on bills and on my mortgage but had been paying regularly. The short story is that CitiMortgage has started the foreclosure process and tomorrow at 10am my house is to be sold. I find myself looking back and trying to figure out what I did wrong or what I could have done differently but ultimately I don't see anything. For the last couple of weeks I have been working with HOME of Virginia which is a HUD counseling agency and at many times you could just tell the shock in my counselors voice at what CitiMortgage has been doing. The reality is that the date CitiMortgage started foreclosure on me was only a couple days after I was 3 months late which, for most places, is unheard of. I know many people who are many months behind on their mortgage and, while they get letters, no legal action has been taken yet, for me, I end up getting the worst of all.
I know I'm not alone. What is beyond me is CitiMortgage. Here's the story of what happened. I sent a payment of $1400 to CitiMortgage at the end of September and, according to my bank, it was processed by Citi on 09/28/2010. Shortly after I scheduled that payment I received notice of foreclosure from an attorney acting on CitiMortgage's behalf. About a week after that I received a letter that was dated the part of September that explained CitiMortgage wanted to work with me regarding my account but, of course, this made it to me nearly a month later after the foreclosure was processed so that was null and void. Prior to this I had monthly filled out their online assistance form because they said I was eligible for assistance but then the system said that I was not eligible for assistance. I immediately filled out the information to work with HOME of Virginia in trying to save my house and was assigned a counselor on 10/26/10 and by this time I had already received a letter from CitiMortgage dated on 10/15/10 that indicated they were selling my mortgage account to IBM Lender Business Processor Service effective on 11/01/10 which was interesting because the day before I received that letter was when I received the notice that my house was being sold at foreclosure on November 3rd at 10am. Obviously I was confused but had no idea who to talk to because, well, who owned my loan? I received an email from CitiMortgage's attorney asking for information so they could work out a modification and I replied asking them what the status was and let them know that I was working with a HUD counselor but never received a response. So at this point it looked like I was going to be starting over on November 1st but, then, on the 27th I received another letter from CitiMortgage basically saying they changed their mind and that they were NOT transfering my loan to IBM. In talking to the HUD counselor I've found out that Citi is required to process me through the HAMP program and that, by law, they have to send me a letter indicating that I was denied that program before they can foreclose. I contacted Citi's attorney and they said they had not received any copies of those denial letters and that they would check into it for me but that they can not postpone unless Citi tells them too. I then contact CitiMortgage and they began to argue with me and contradicted everything that I had just been told by my HUD counselor. My HUD counselor attempted to contact them the following day but they said that they had no record that she was allowed to act on my behalf. She informed me that she had proof that the fax had been processed but that she was resubmitting it. Everything that Citi has been doing seems to be shady ways of getting around the system and even if they are violating laws they are playing stupid because they know the sale date is so close. So here I am, having no idea what to expect tomorrow..... and oh, yea.... the $1400 that I sent to Citi? They said they received it but that they aren't crediting it to my account and when I asked for them to send it back they said "No, we're keeping it"......
I, again, can't answer the question "Why me?" I'm not losing my house for lack of trying... I'm not losing my house because I bought something I couldn't afford (I had no problems paying the mortgage until the economy hit me this year).... I just had a horrible string of bad luck and, yes, I know, I know.... I seem to have a lot of that.... and believe me, I ask myself all the time what I'm doing wrong and why in the end I'm always turning out to be irresponsible and, with the exception of a few people who know me intimately, I can totally understand why many people think that of me. People always question why bad things happen to good people but finding an answer to that is extremely hard. There is only one thing that I can hold on to right now and that is that the previous times when things like this happened to me I ended up a happier person on the other side of it. All of the pain I endured and will endure I know is not for nothing.... there is a plan for this and I believe in the post I made last week (I actually began working on this post first and it was in the middle of this post that God really impressed the roller coaster concept on me). I don't know what's ahead.... and I'm scared to death... but I can hold on to the fact that the track of this ride has been laid out by God and He's taken everything into account and knows what He is doing. I may be getting sick of this ride and want off but thats the thing about roller coasters... you can't just get off of them in the middle of the ride like you might be able to on other types of rides.
"Why?" is such a popular question and a valid question but we don't always get the answer we want, if we get an answer at all. Why am I going through all of this? Most people want to say that I'm irresponsible or I've done something to really screw up and sometimes I have to fight myself to not believe that because I know that I've done everything that I could.... the only way I can answer that is quite simply that God is letting me go through something in order to make me a stronger person and maybe in the future I'll be able to help someone through a similar situation. Am I going to lose my house? It looks like it. What am I going to do? I'm sure crying will be one of the big things but ultimately I just have to focus on the fact that God is watching over me whether it feels like it or not.