Friday, December 31, 2004

So I got fired tonight..... more later....
My life is my life.... I am not going to let this get me down. I am going to enjoy life to the best of my ability and the situations that I endure I will leave in God's hands.
I dont understand why I have to be faced with so much.... things are really bad today.... I really need to make a drastic decission about my future... and it scares me pretty badly.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Im actually feeling pretty good again..... pretty good turn around considering how badly I felt the last few days..... Keith and I went out to dinner after work and that helped a ton.... it felt good to actually hang out with someone..... I pray that God would start filling my life with some good strong friendships.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

I think that I definately created some irreversible damage last night..... im not stable again. I guess I'm doing ok today so far but I know that I screwed up... and I cant change that. I really feel alone.... I was getting so close to God again... my relationship with Him was really growing... and then I get attacked and its like I cant pull out of it again. Yea, Im down again today... third day in a row.... last night was really bad.... I really was close to being suicidal again. I thought I was better.... maybe this is just a coincidence and things will be better in the next few days. I just could really use something happy in my life right now. The only interaction I ever have with people is when im working.... I cant live like that. I need people that I can hang out with... I just dont have that.... When I'm feeling down I have no one to call.... I cant just pick up the phone and call someone and say "hey, im really down" ... I just dont have that luxury.... yea, I have friends... Jim and Jason are good friends..... but they arent those people that I can just call..... sometimes its tough calling jason for something thats work related. He has a life.... im the only one who doesnt.... its just getting really rough.... I need friendships in my life.... really badly. I'd love to start hanging out with some girls... get to know them and stuff.... I need that.... but im too shy....

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Tiff left go of something tonight that I thought she treasured.

I am really down right now. Its not fair that everyone around me has a gf and I dont.... Im really crying.... why do I have to be so down and depressed again? I hope this doesnt last.... I thought we found what was wrong with me.... I really did think that.... come to think of it... I thought alot of things.... I guess im always wrong.
Just got off the phone with tiff..... didnt really talk much at all.... in some ways I feel like maybe I'm drifting away from her. Maybe its just because we dont get to talk much... I dont know. Im still kinda down. I wouldnt say im depressed... just down. I guess more than anything im just bored. I dont really have anyone to spend time with.... I'd love to have that special girl in my life.... maybe its not time. I really dont know. My relationship with God has grown.... and I'm really doing ok.... I just really would like to have that special girl. Im so darn shy tho.... in the past week I have carried on conversations with two different girls that I met and I wanted to see if either one of them wanted to get together and see what happened... but I didnt... I'm too shy for that. The thing is, if I dont start getting over this shyness, I'll probably never find that girl. I dunno..... Billy Ray Cyrus sang a song... one line in it was "Sometimes dreams move on if you wait too long" .... thats just really been on my mind recently... dont fully know why.... but dreams will move on.... if you dont act on them, they move. Maybe one of those girls could have been a really good friend... maybe more.... but I waited... and it'll move on now.... I just pray that God would find it possible to send me that special someone. I'll just have to keep praying.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Today has been a down day for me. Dont really know whats up... just dont feel right.... mom dad and I were going to the wagon wheel and tiff called so I was a bit excited but she was just calling to say she was ok and she was at work so she couldnt talk. I asked if I should stay up and wait for her to call me later... she said not to... so I guess another day goes by that I dont really get to talk to her... I really could have used it today. I'm debating maybe going to a movie tonight... there are alot of movies I'd like to see.... just dont know if I feel like going alone but I used to do it all the time so why not.... I guess I could always just go to bed too.... *shrug* Been thinking about my loneliness... maybe its time I change from being single to being single and looking.... I had the guts to talk to a completely strange girl once and it worked out well.... it could work again, couldnt it? I guess I'll have to put more thought into that.... I just would really like to have someone special in my life that really wants to be with me. I know God will take care of it.... in His time.... these are just thoughts on my mind. I miss the days when I had down days like this where I could just call up that special someone.... We'll see what happens.... my mind is just thinking alot... has been for the past few days.... which is why I guess I have been so quiet. No matter, God will take care of all of this..... it's all gonna be fine.....

Saturday, December 25, 2004

And as we close the day, I hope that everyone had a very merry CHRISTmas!
Happy Birthday Jesus!

So first the bad stuff.... my aunt acted like an ass tonight. Dont yell... Im done candy coating stuff. She called an ambulance to come get her... I had to sit and watch as she destroyed my grandparent's Christmas. I dont doubt she was in pain... but its the same thing over and over again. Im not going into detail.. it'll just get me worked up... but I have alot less sympathy for my aunt now. It's one thing if she wants to destory her life.... but when she starts affecting everyone else who is close to me... especially my grandparents.... thats where the line has to be drawn.

Good stuff now... lots of good this year! Last night (Christmas eve) was a blast. We had a bunch of people over and things were really great. After everyone left we exchanged our gifts to each other. We all got my dad a car starter and me and my sisters got my mom a digital camera. I got a ski jacket from Lori and a new battery for my phone from Kari.

This morning we opened gifts from santa... I got a bunch of CDs, a data kit for my cell phone, the matrix boxed set, a 1GB JumpDrive, some clothes and so on. My big present I already got a couple months ago which was my season ski pass to hidden valley.

Then we went to my grandmothers. The first part of the day my aunt was fine.... actually things were great. We had a really good time there.... after most of my family left was when things got bad.... yada yada yada.... after that I went down to my other aunt kathy's.... I helped hook up lydia's karaoke machine and we all had a blast singing along to the songs.... then we came down to my house along with my uncle tim and had a blast playing "shout about movies" which is a really neat DVD game. good stuff.... so the day is coming to an end...

On a side misc note, I talked to Tanya today for a little bit. I wanted to wish her a merry Christmas. It was nice to talk to her and it looks like I may take Eli up to the slopes some time to teach him to ski.... that should be interesting. I also got a text message back from Tiff.... I hope that she had a good Christmas. It was a little rough today at some points because I really would have liked to have been with her today... but that wasnt God's will for the day. I accept that and I made the best of my day. Sure things could have got me very down today.... but I didnt let them.... it really was a good Christmas.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

I know its been a while since I posted so I figure its about time. There really isnt too much to say, however. Things are still going really well. The only frustrating part is that Tiff's parents hate me... not that they have a reason to... they just dont like me... never really gave me a chance.... I really could care less but the problem is... ok, well, yea I do hate when people hate me.... but if they hate me thats their option... the thing that bugs me is it prevents me from talking to Tiff alot... and espescially seeing her.

Truth is, in all of this, I am doing so extremely well. There are still frustrations in my life... the ADHD medicine, of course, has not taken those frustrations away.... I am dealing with them VERY well tho. Things are so great right now.

Thats about all I have time for right now.. gotta get to work. Have a great day everyone!

God Bless!

Saturday, December 18, 2004

marriage
n; the state of being a married couple voluntarily joined for life

Its amazing what God has been showing me over the last week... how much I have matured and realized that God is there. I just finished watching "A Vow to Cheris" which I posted a link for a few days ago. In today's world marriage is so ... watered down. The dictionary description I posted continued on to say "or until divorce" ... it's a shame that our world has come to that. In my eyes... marriage is forever. It IS a voluntary commitment... but a final commitment. God reminded me tonight of what my ultimate goal in life has always been (besides serving Him). I want to be the best husband and best father that I can be. A sense of family has always been in my heart. When I find the right goal, whoever that may be, I will love her forever. It will never end. My life will be commited to being with her. Only death will cause our parting.

Suddenly the stress from yesterday doesnt much matter. I had car troubles but its not a big deal. God got me through it. God was right there with me... as He was there with me skiing today. I could have been frustrated that my ankle was hurting in my boot; that I may have to buy new boots.... but why? God was right there with me. Maybe I couldnt spend more than an hour skiing today... but because of it I got to come home and spend time with family. We dont understand why things happen. All we can do is trust God; even when we dont have answers.

God is going to use me in great ways... everyone has been telling me that but I have so blatantly ignored that. I am so thankful for the things God has done in my life. I am so thankful for the people He has surrounded me with. Not many people can say that they have a Christian boss, a Christian doctor, best friends that our Christians. Not all people can say they were raised in a Christian family. Many people cant say they own a Bible... many people dont have a friend like Tiff caring for them. Many people dont have God. I do. I can say I do to that... the same way I will say I do on my wedding day. The same way that my wife will have my commitment, God has my commitment now.

God Bless everyone -- and thank you so much for your prayers.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17
Well Tiff left school for break today.... I know she needs a break but its kinda sad because when she's at home I dont have very many oppritunities to talk to her... she's gonna try her best tho... and I know she will.
So far things are going extremely well with my ADHD treatment. I am functioning in life so much better than I used to. The drive down to VA yesterday was incredibly better... I noticed things more... I was more alert... I just noticed a huge difference. I can notice difference in functioning in my job as well. Things are just going incredibly well.

Things are going very well with Tiff too. We have an incredible relationship. I am able to be more of the person I need to be for her... and that makes me feel good. I want nothing more than for her to be happy... I will do anything needed for that. I made so many mistakes in our relationship before and it turns out everyone is a very common side effect of ADHD. I have been sitting back and wondering what if I was treated for ADHD earlier... where would I be in life? Doesnt matter... whats done is done and I am right where God wants me.

Life is good :)
I've meant to do this for some time
I've gotta get it right this time
This time my God I will be Yours,
All my heart, my soul, and mind
Been so long since I truly smiled
But You touched my heart today
Reached through my mind of mud and mire
Consumed the idols in Your way
So I am brand new Today, I make my resolution

Been down so long that is seems like up,
I took it now I've had enough
Of the life that I've been livin'
It feels so cold this far away
So Today I will make a change
I will make a change today
Purge my mind of mud and mire
Cast all my gods away
I am brand new today, I make my resolution

-- "Resolution" by The OC Supertones
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true...
All I want for Christmas
Is you...

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Well I havent really given an update on here so here's the short of it. Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADHD. This is actually something that clicks and many people around me can now see where this is probably a good diagnosis. They put me on Adderall XR to try it out and see if it works... so far it has helped already. I am also still on Zoloft because there is a good chance that I still may have depression as well. Things really are going well for me right now tho. I still am really thankful for those that are praying for me... and also for those praying for Tiff.... it means alot. I can definately feel and see evidence of those prayers.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers. Thanks!
This is long.... but I got it in an email and it hit me pretty hard... I wanted to share it with everyone. This is not related to me so if your only curious about me, you can skip this post.... if you want to read a good story tho, this is one to read.

The Folded Napkin ... A Truckers Story

I try not to be biased, but I had my doubts about hiring Stevie. His placement counselor assured me that he would be a good, reliable busboy. But I had never had a mentally handicapped employee and wasn't sure I wanted one. I wasn't sure how my customers would react to Stevie. He was short, a little dumpy with the smooth facial features and thick-tongued speech of Downs Syndrome. I wasn't worried about most of my trucker customers because truckers don't generally care who buses tables as long as the meatloaf platter is good and the pies are homemade. The four-wheeler drivers were the ones who concerned me; the mouthy college kids traveling to school; the yuppie snobs who secretly polish their silverware with their napkins for fear of catching some dreaded "truck stop germ" the pairs of white-shirted business men on expense accounts who think every truck stop waitress wants to be flirted with. I knew those people would be uncomfortable around Stevie so I closely watched him for the first few weeks.
I shouldn't have worried. After the first week, Stevie had my staff wrapped around his stubby little finger, and within a month my truck regulars had adopted him as their official truck stop mascot.
After that, I really didn't care what the rest of the customers thought of him. He was like a 21-year-old in blue jeans and Nikes, eager to laugh and eager to please, but fierce in his attention to his duties. Every salt and pepper shaker was exactly in its place, not a bread crumb or coffee spill was visible when Stevie got done with the table.
Our only problem was persuading him to wait to clean a table until after the customers were finished. He would hover in the background, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, scanning the dining room until a table was empty. Then he would scurry to the empty table and carefully bus dishes and glasses onto cart and meticulously wipe the table up with a practiced flourish of his rag. If he thought a customer was watching, his brow would pucker with added concentration. He took pride in doing his job exactly right, and you had to love how hard he tried to please each and every person he met.
Over time, we learned that he lived with his mother, a widow who was disabled after repeated surgeries for cancer. They lived on their Social Security benefits in public housing two miles from the truck stop. Their social worker, who stopped to check on him every so often, admitted they had fallen between the cracks. Money was tight, and what I paid him was probably the difference between them being able to live together and Stevie being sent to a group home. That's why the restaurant was a gloomy place that morning last August, the first morning in three years that Stevie missed work.
He was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester getting a new valve or something put in his heart. His social worker said that people with Downs Syndrome often have heart problems at an early age so this wasn't unexpected, and there was a good chance he would come through the surgery in good shape and be back at work in a few months.
A ripple of excitement ran through the staff later that morning when word came that he was out of surgery, in recovery, and doing fine. Frannie, the head waitress, let out a war hoop and did a little dance in the aisle when she heard the good news. Belle Ringer, one of our regular trucker customers, stared at the sight of this 50-year-old grandmother of four doing a victory shimmy beside his table. Frannie blushed, smoothed her apron and shot Belle Ringer a withering look.
He grinned. "OK, Frannie, what was that all about?" he asked.
"We just got word that Stevie is out of surgery and going to be okay."
"I was wondering where he was. I had a new joke to tell him. What was the surgery about?"
Frannie quickly told Belle Ringer and the other two drivers sitting at his booth about Stevie's surgery, then sighed: "Yeah, I'm glad he is going to be OK," she said. "But I don't know how he and his Mom are going to handle all the bills. From what I hear, they're barely getting by as it is." Belle Ringer nodded thoughtfully, and Frannie hurried off to wait on the rest of her tables.
Since I hadn't had time to round up a busboy to replace Stevie and really didn't want to replace him, the girls were busing their own tables that day until we decided what to do. After the morning rush, Frannie walked into my office. She had a couple of paper napkins in her hand and a funny look on her face.
"What's up?" I asked.
"I didn't get that table where Belle Ringer and his friends were sitting cleared off after they left, and Pony Pete and Tony Tipper were sitting there when I got back to clean it off," she said. "This was folded and tucked under a coffee cup." She handed the napkin to me, and three $20 bills fell onto my desk when I opened it. On the outside, in big, bold letters, was printed "Something For Stevie. Pony Pete asked me what that was all about," she said, "so I told him about Stevie and his Mom and everything, and Pete looked at Tony and Tony looked at Pete, and they ended up giving me this." She handed me another paper napkin that had "Something For Stevie" scrawled on its outside. Two $50 bills were tucked within its folds. Frannie looked at me with wet, shiny eyes, shook her head and said simply: "truckers."
That was three months ago. Today is Thanksgiving, the first day Stevie is supposed to be back to work. His placement worker said he's been counting the days until the doctor said he could work, and it didn't matter at all that it was a holiday. He called 10 times in the past week, making sure we knew he was coming, fearful that we had forgotten him or that his job was in jeopardy. I arranged to have his mother bring him to work. I then met them in the parking lot and invited them both to celebrate his day back. Stevie was thinner and paler, but couldn't stop grinning as he pushed through the doors and headed for the back room where his apron and busing cart were waiting.
"Hold up there, Stevie, not so fast," I said. I took him and his mother by their arms. "Work can wait for a minute. To celebrate you coming back, breakfast for you and your mother is on me!"
I led them toward a large corner booth at the rear of the room. I could feel and hear the rest of the staff following behind as we marched through the dining room. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw booth after booth of grinning truckers empty and join the procession. We stopped in front of the big table. Its surface was covered with coffee cups, saucers and dinner plates, all sitting slightly crooked on dozens of folded paper napkins.
"First thing you have to do, Stevie, is clean up this mess," I said. I tried to sound stern. Stevie looked at me, and then at his mother, then pulled out one of the napkins. It had "Something for Stevie" printed on the outside. As he picked it up, two $10 bills fell onto the table.
Stevie stared at the money, then at all the napkins peeking from beneath the tableware, each with his name printed or scrawled on it. I turned to his mother.
"There's more than $10,000 in cash and checks on table, all from truckers and trucking companies that heard about your problems. "Happy Thanksgiving,"
Well, it got real noisy about that time, with everybody hollering and shouting, and there were a few tears, as well. But you know what's funny? While everybody else was busy shaking hands and hugging each other, Stevie, with a big, big smile on his face, was busy clearing all the cups and dishes from the table. Best worker I ever hired.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14

Its so nice to have Christian friends.... I can certainly understand how marriage works so much better when both people are Christians... it just makes sense. It's very crucial to have those closest to us be the Christians that we need to be. Its such a good influence.....
... just something God spoke to me.
This weekend really was great. Tiffany is such a special person to me and she really made me feel special. It truly opened my eyes alot. I just cant express how great of a weekend this was.
Why do the best weekends always have to come to an end? I seriously had the best weekend ever... its hard to leave... but I must.

God is really doing something amazing... He really is... and I want to thank everyone that is praying for me... I know that many of you are... I can feel it.... and thanks to the ones that are praying for Tiff too... that means alot to me... and I can see the evidence of those prayers as well.

Thank you everyone.... thank you God!
Life just rules when you have a BEST friend :)

Friday, December 10, 2004

Why am I always the sickest on VA days? I am really not feeling well this morning... headache, upset stomach.... this is bad but stuff needs done in VA so I have to go.... I dunno if this is just plain sickness or if its medicine related... I cant wait to see the psychiatrist and get this straigtened out.... either way... im just plain sick today... :(

Thursday, December 09, 2004

I cant sleep... soo much on my mind :(

Still trying tho....
I just wanted to say before I go to bed how much tiff means to me.... I wanted to stress that again.... I lost so much in having a friendship with her.... I realize again how much her FRIENDSHIP means to me.... I dont know what the future holds but I know that tiff will always be my FRIEND.... I need friends... badly... and she means alot to me right now. Ive been so caught up in what I want to happen that I've missed out on a whole lotta friendship.
Thank God for tiff! So much is going on around me... so much is falling apart.... yet she was the one that said "call me" ... and I did... and it made me feel so much better.... and she did it selfless... there is so much going on in her life too... she's probably more stressed than I am... but she took the time for me... she means so much to me....

There really is way too much going on around me.... I have friend thinking im not friends with them anymore... ive got my aunt and my family (Im not even going there -- it'll just work me up).... my poor grandmother tho.... when you hear your own grandmother say that it would be better if we were all just dead.... it just kinda... it hits you hard.... things are really bad.... we really need your prayers.

I could use a little extra sleep so I'm going to bed now.... goodnight everyone.
Sick again :( I really just want to crawl back in bed and go back to sleep.... I almost need to... but I have to get ready for work.... its important... especially right now. Im really struggling hardcore.... especially with not feeling too well physically.... I just have no motive behind me... at all.... :(

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Really not feeling good this morning.... both physically and emotionally but mainly physically right now...... I hope this day goes fast.....

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

I need meaning in my life.... it means nothing to me or to anyone for that matter... I'm so down and depressed.... I need a miracle..... :(
Can I have a miracle please? I could really use one :(

Monday, December 06, 2004

Well, first of all... im a wreck....

I had a therapist appt today... I took a prescreener for ADD and I rated EXTREMELY high.... so there is a good chance I may be diagnosed with that... truth is, I could care less what they diagnose me with as long as they can figure something out to make me feel better.

I really am starting to struggle all over the place... things are getting really bad.... nothing motivates me to do anything anymore.... I'm not happy.... I'm just flat out misserable. My therapist was in shock that I am able to function and at least go through the motions of a day. She was ready to write me an excuse for work.... I told her that I know I have to do it so I do.... I do it the best I can... I have issues that may set back what my best is... but at least I do my best. Maybe I have something going for me... I just dont feel like it.... things are bad.... I see my psychiatrist next Monday.... can you believe this is still only the first time? It's been well over 2 months since I've been out of the hospital and I am just now getting to see one...... I hope the Dr. can help me... I need help... things have been out of whack for way too long.... WAY too long.

I'm a mess.... and its not because of anyone at all... it's because of me... its because of who I am..... Maybe I'm just meant to be a mess?

Gosh.. I'm hurting so bad.... I have no reason to hurt.... but I am... I'm hurting :(
The heavens paint a silent symphony
As Orion shines for me
Are you there feeling the same as I
Whispering love songs to the lonely sky
And though I don't know where you are
I know you must be there
So for now I'll lay me down to sleep
and dream and maybe tomorrow
I'll kiss the air that covers you -
I'll watch the moonlight dance in your eyes
I'll hold you safely in my arms -
Maybe tomorrow you'll be mine

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

[Bridge:]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

[Bridge:]
I dont want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

[Bridge:]
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight
Overall Im having a good time up here at lock haven..... last night I had another panic attack.... I'm really getting tired of those. It seems as though anxiety is my biggest problem anymore.... depression is big but the anxiety is worse.

I watched the parade yesterday... Tiff looked so cute marching down with her trumpet.... the rest of the parade was good too :) ... it really made me miss 9th grade when I was in drumline. Then I walking back to campus from downtown made me remember when I wasi n school here and would walk to church.... same street and everything... made me miss that... and of course the days that Tiff and I were close.... miss those too.

Alot of my life is missing the past right now.... maybe its because im in so much pain right now... I really dont know. I really still wish I could go back to May and change what I did then.... it was stupid of me.... and my life and tiff's life is affected horribly because of it. If I had one wish... that would be it... going back to May and changing my actions then. I could be happy now.... and so could Tiff..

Things are still ok between Tiff and I... dont get me wrong. There is sitll just alot to be resolved.... and it will be... in God's time....

Please continue to pray not only for me but for her too. Im gonna finish getting ready for church now.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

For some reason I am very hyper and excited.... Im actually happy :) ... Odd... I forgot what this felt like.

I'm leaving in a few mins to head up to Lock Haven to visit Tiff... maybe thats why I'm so happy? :) I dunno.... I'm just in a good mood and I HAD to blog about it.... since I havent had many of these :)
I wanna go back to when I was in college.... I miss it :(

Friday, December 03, 2004

Im still feeling very down.... something needs to be done.... I need something happy in my life..... I need it so badly.

As far as I know I'm going to visit Tiff this weekend.... hopefully that will go well and make me happy.... she definately has the power to make me happy.... she's done it so many times before... yet it is rough on both of us at times... I just really need to stick to it... keep pushing on....

I still wish for something very happy tho.... I need it.

Well, my break is about over so I'm gonna get going.... I cant wait to get home and crawl in bed tonight.... Im *REALLY* looking forward to it... im beat.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

And you wonder why you feel this way
And you wonder how long it will take to heal
And you wonder what you did to get here
And you wonder who will save you from you

You’ve tried everything that has been in your reach
But none of it seems to satisfy
So like a man lost at sea
Your thirst leads you to drink the water
The more you drink, the more your throat runs dry
And you wonder why

-- PFR "Wonder Why"
Blasted night..... I just get more depressed as the night went on... I'm going to bed before it gets worse.....
I'm still pretty down.... :(
Why cant something really happy happen?
I had an odd dream last night.....

I was the guest preacher at my church.... and I got up and just went blank.... I didnt say anything... I just stood there... nothing... absolutely nothing.... then a friend took me out for ice cream and talked to me.... I came back and I started preaching up a storm.... then when it came to reading scripture I couldnt find it... I kept flipping through my Bible.... I couldnt find it... just like it wasnt even in my Bible... then my mom came up and read the scripture for me...

I know that God wants to use me in a great way... I just dont know what I can do... I'm so worn out and down about everything.... its like I dont have much to be happy about and its dragging me down... I dont know exactly what that dream meant but I guess it kinda gave me a little bit of hope.

As for today, I woke up depressed again... I'm down... and anxious too which definately isnt good. Today is my first day working at Jason's house.... not that I'll be doing much different than I do in VA but still a little nervous....

Either way, I have to finish getting ready.... Please continue to pray for me.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

So many people in the last couple days have told me how strong I am and how amazed they are at how I have come through so much and yet I still keep fighting. I guess that helps me a little bit. I dont feel very strong tho. I have been through alot... and I guess I am still alive.... I just want to be happy tho.

I guess I am going to go to bed. Good night everyone.
Well I have my phone back.... my grandmother advanced me my Christmas money..... Im really seriously getting nothing for Christmas... it's all been exhausted... *sigh*
Well my cell phone got shut off.... thanks to... well... ARGH... this isnt fair... you try to be nice ... someone takes advantage of it and then your the one that loses your phone..... my mom is seeing if I can get an advance on some of my Christmas money from someone and then she's gonna try to get ti to the verizon store.... argh this is annoying..... I hate my life.
I'm not well.... :(