Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Why does nobody want me? Whats wrong with me?
Walking with my head turned to the sky
A little piece of heaven in my eyes
I find...

With heaven comes an understanding
With heaven comes a hope of things to come
But sometimes heaven seems so far...

So when it feels like there's no tomorrow
And yesterday's taking over
Don't stop to smell the sorrow
Or you'll go tumbling head over heart

Standing at the edge of another day
Praying 'til my tears are washed away
I find...

With heaven comes a dream of someday
Standing with the angels all around
But sometimes dreams come tumbling down...

So when it feels like there's no tomorrow
And yesterday's taking over
Don't stop to smell the sorrow
Or you'll go tumbling head over heart

Don't let your dreams go tumbling down
With nothing to fall on

Monday, November 29, 2004

I have no clue how..... but God will get me through all of this....

on a side note... He'll get Tiff through this too.
I started the process of filling out my eHarmony payment... couldnt finish.... I dont know why.... I just dont know whats up with me....

Things are not well right now... I'm so confused as to what direction I need to go... My therapist appt is still a week away.... but I dont know if I can even go to that because I dont know if I can afford the co-payment.... I hate my life.

I just took 1.5mg of Xanax... thats 3 times my normal dose... I should be out cold here shortly.... I actually dont know why it hasnt kicked in yet... it sure hit me fast in the ER the last time they gave it to me.
I guess maybe I better leave Tiff alone if I'm gonna be like this.... sure she did her share of screwing up... but Im the one screwing up bad right now..... I dont want to... and I dont think she wants me to leave either... but for now... maybe its best.... I dunno... I'm debating it.... she really hasnt done anything to hurt me.... in fact it's been rather good.... but I just put too much pressure on her... whether I mean it or not... and whether its my actions or not.... I just need alot of prayer and guidance right now.... This may or may not be best... I guess I just need to pray about it.... eHarmony just sent me an offer for 2 weeks for $9.95... maybe I should try that?
All I do is screw up.... now ... ah hell with it.... why even blog... I just really screw everything up. I wish someone would shoot me.
Im so absolutely sick and tired of being alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im really not doing too well.... I just feel so lonely.... no matter that I have stuff to be happy about... I'm just not happy.... its really getting old... and Ive noticed my attention span is gone.... completely gone.... I cant concentrate on anything..... loneliness and a bad attention span.... just really bad....

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Something else I got from the Polar Express......

You cant see the evidence until you believe.... the little boy could not hear the sleigh bells because he did not believe... it took him to believe before he knew they really did ring....

In my current situation, its like huge arrows pointing in one direction.... go this way... its the way to go.... and yet until someone believes it with me, they cant see those arrows. I wish I could open some people's eyes.... but thats not in my control... they have to believe themselves first... then it will become evident.
Today was a pretty good day aside from the fact I slept most of it.. lol

Tonight I went and met Kendra (the new one) in Beaver Falls. We went to see National Treasure... GREAT movie! Had a really nice time.... I think that her friendship could be very good... I need some Christian friends.

The by far highlight was talking to Tiff on the phone during my drive home.... I miss her pretty badly.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Time and time again
When I think I've reached the end
It's Your voice I hear
That draws me near

I don't know what makes You stay
When I act this way
No matter what we've been through
I can turn to You
"One thing about trains -- It doesnt matter where it's going, It just matters that you get on"

We saw the Polar Express tonight at the OmnIMAX. It was completely awesome and really taught me something about believing. That quote stood out. It really doesnt matter where my life is going... it just matters that I go. After the last few days of totally wanting to give up hope the movie tonight really hit me hard. I believe in something so strongly... and to think I almost gave that belief up. I just need to realize the train will get there soon enough.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Ive got so much to be happy about.... why cant I just be happy?

Went to see Christmas with the Kranks tonight... at least it brought alot of laughs. I'm still really down tho... I dont understand it. There must be something really wrong with me.... I dont know what to do :(
Lord, please take this pain away... the physical and emotional both. Please Lord... PLEASE.
Im not doing so well again today.... I tried so hard to list what im thankful for... like my new job, my family, God.... but I just cant.... I dont feel like it.... I was playing a game at my grandmothers.... everytime it was my turn someone had to tell me... then I kept putting the wrong pieces down... I'm just so out of it today... I feel left out... Im not.... but I feel like I am.... its not good... I used to live for holidays at my grandmothers... not anymore.... its just another day... every day is just another day.

Tiff sent me a text message to wish me a happy thanksgiving and also told me what she was thankful for... I could barely respond... I'm just so out of it.... there is something wrong with me... something very wrong... :(
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Traffic is nuts.... We are still nowhere near the pa line. I'm sick... Not feeling well at all. Emotionally I'm struggling a bit.... This may be one of my longer days. I'm not liking it all.

I just wanna be in my bed... Curled up.. Dreaming of something happy..... Whether it comes true or not.... *sigh* I'm not well.....
Still on my way to va... Really glad my dad is driving.... I threw up this morning.... Really feeling like crap.... Please keep me in your prayers.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Well I woke up very dizzy and nausious..... I guess my dad is gonna drive me down to VA. I hate having this but I dont want to risk it. I'm tired of being sick... I'm starting to think it is the start of this medicine thats bugging me so I hope that wears off soon.
What are the chances of meeting ANOTHER Kendra? :)

Its all good... I need another good Christian friend in my life....

Thanks Jason!

I know I really need to speak life and be positive... I'm trying to get closer to God so hard.... but im failing so misserably.... It is true when things start going right thats when satan is going to attack the most..... and thats whats happening.

I'll make it.... God hasnt left even if it does feel like it sometimes. Please keep me in your prayers for strength....

.... and I'm sorry for over-reacting.
Well I'm going to bed..... im really in alot of emotional pain right now.... and I'm affraid that I lost alot of hope tonight.... alot of hope in something that I had alot of hope in. It's really too painful to talk about right now so I'm just going to go to bed. Maybe another miracle will happen. I could use one.....
Why do I bother? You do so much for people.... you give chances time and time again and when it comes to something you need, its not there. People suck.... all of them.

If anyone is lying to me... you better come clean..... im sick of finding out about lies.... damn lies. The truth always comes out... and it hurts worse when it comes from someone else.
The hell with it.... you "care" so you lie.... that makes alot of sense... and more and more people are doing it to me.... people closer and closer to me....

I feel used... I feel so damn used......
Im really concerend at the moment... and a bit ... well, ok I'm downright scared... :( Something happened and I dont know what.... and its bugging me... bad. I wish things were easier right now.... I really do.
My stomach is still in knots..... I dunno why... either worry or just plain sick.... or reactions to meds.... you never know with me.
Im a bit concerned this morning so I dont know if my stomach hurts for that or because I'm still sick. *sigh*

I packed up the stuff for my Nextel this morning... gotta hand that over to Matt. Its sad seeing things come to an end. I am going to miss working at computer connections and Pizza Hut both but there are definately better avenues ahead. I'm looking forward to them.....

Please continue to keep me in your prayers. God Bless!

Monday, November 22, 2004

I am very serious when I say this. I dont want to hear anyone else say that I shouldnt get messed up with Tiff again.

1> My therapists/doctors are for it
2> She has been helping me stay happy recently
3> How would you feel if you were made out to be the worst person in the world?

Just stop and think before you say something to me, to her, or post on my comments. My mind is made up.... Tiff and I are friends again.... We'll see where it goes... There is no room for question on that right now. I have comments because I like people getting involved. I already stopped anonymous comments because of people just tearing down.... Please... if you care about me... no more tearing down of anything. I need support right now. She needs support right now.
I dont feel so hot this morning.... yesterday the depression was really getting to me physically.... but im wondering today if its more depression, if its the results of such a heavy depression yesterday, or if Im really getting sick and thats why ive been so depressed. I really wish I could just crawl back in bed.... but I need to get up and get going. I pray for something happy today... I could use it.
Well it's official.... in 2 weeks I will be working full time for Elite Internet Communications, Inc. :) Now to put my 2 weeks notice in at Computer Connections tomorrow.

Please keep me in your prayers as I make another transistion in my life.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Amazon.com: DVD: Fraggle Rock - Where It All Began

w00t ... Fraggle Rock on DVD in Jan!!!!!!!
I completely dont understand what I am going through.... I cried for so long today... part of that was on my mom's shoulder. I have so much emotional pain in me right now its not even funny. The weekend was pretty good... I had alot of good times.... I dont understand why when I got home I just bawled.... maybe because it was over? I really dont know. Tonight at work I was like a zombie... just totally out of it... not myself at all.....

In so many ways I know what is supposed to happen..... and I guess in those ways I dont understand why it just doesnt. Then I remember that God IS in control and they dont happen that way because He doesnt want them to yet.... I just dont understand that..... I dont understand why He doesnt just make me happy..... tho I'm not Him, its still hard to understand.

I am a hurting person right now.... its not because of any event, anything, or anyone. There are plenty of things in my own life that very well could be causing me problems.... This is a tough time for me... lots of decissions being made... life changing ones.... and all this during medicine changes and healing relationships.... its all alot on me right now....

I am going to go get ready for bed... but there is one thing I want to say here.... something that I havent said in a long while if I did at all.... Tiff is the most beautiful person in the world... both inside and outside. She has done so much.... and is so strong for what she is going through right now. Its like her world is collapsing around here... yet she's still here. She cries like I do... she wants to give up at times like I do.... but she keeps on going. I am proud to call her my friend. I only pray we continue to grow closer together.

Well Im getting ready to leave Lock Haven... cut short by Pizza Hut of course.... i'll be so glad when im done with that place... It wasnt a bad place to work... the people.. well most of the people are great... but I just need my time back.

This weekend was... interesting. When I first got here I acted like a pure idiot/baby... I dont really know why... I didnt even realize it until I thought back on it... I think that really changed Tiff's attitude toward me for a while... then later last night things got great again.... Tiff and I were feeling that closeness again.... then she started crying and I dunno what happened then... we both went to bed and thats where it stands. She is still sleeping ... I'm debating waking her up or not before I leave... nm... she just got up... well... I dont want to leave...

I guess I just keep thinking of the way things were before I screwed up in May... it's tough for me to deal with.... I do realize why I did what I did.... and its not good.... it was stupid but I realize now why im scared of people lying to me... especially people who care about me.... its because its been done to me alot.... but thats all im going to say about that.... that is something that I, myself, need to work through. None-the-less, its why I did what I did in May... and I regret every min of it.... EVERY bit of it....

I'm still looking forward to a second chance.... I think it may be on the horizon.... TIff still has some issues to work out... as do I.... I'm doing my best to be right beside here through it all... and she's doing the same. Im confident that I'm where I need to be.... its not an easy place to be... but im here either way.

Friday, November 19, 2004

I just read my blog and realized the jump from Wed to Fri.... kinda funny in a way..... truth is, Wed's post was really just an enraged post.... the other news I didnt post yet is I saw my doctor yesterday and we started a new med.... this one should help and shouldnt create the problem that the welbutrin did.... I will now be taking Zoloft.... we'll see what happens.

Thanks again for your prayers.
Starting today my VA hours a 12-6.... and I feel better already..... and I'm gettin ready to put my 2 weeks in at Computer Connections as well.

A little while ago I was offered full time with Elite Internet.... and as of today, I think I am going to take the job. Nothing is official yet but the scenario is definately better. I will probably be making my final decission tomorrow... so if anyone has any thoughts, let me know now :) .... The big thing is it will be nice to work for once company... not 3.... most of what I am doing is lateral.... as in I will be in PA 3 days and VA 2 with eicomm now as opposed to 3 days with cci and 2 days with eicomm.....

Nothing is set in stone yet.... but will be soon. Please keep me in your prayers tonight that I make the right decission tomorrow. Thanks!

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

I just want to understand this stuff..... I hate computers.... I hate working with them again.... I just hate it.... all of it.
Im never going to be able to keep anyone happy... Jason regarding work... Tiff regarding alot.... Steve at the hut because I cant work there anymore..... I just keep hurting people and making people angry.... I'm not performing well at anything..... I cant take much more stress.... I dont know what I'm doing... I feel so lost and I feel that I made way too many commitments that were way above my head..... I dont enjoy my job anymore like I used to.... no matter what I do I will never be good enough... never.... I dont understand the things I have to do in my job... I always feel overwhelmed.... im so stressed and..... and I just want to die so I never have to drive to VA again... and I never have to break someone's heart again.... and I never have to face this pain that I constantly face anymore.......

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Well first of all, Alltel FINALLY got my internet back up after it died on Saturday.... go guys go.... *sigh*

Secondly, I got a "new" phone.... my sister's old one.... I like it alot better so far... a few gripes but I may be able to get over them :)

Thirdly, my meds were whacked out... thats why I was freaking out all the time.... I am now just on the abilify and no anti-depresant again until Thursday.... this is starting to suck.... I seriously was a lot better off before I had "psychiatric help" ... Dr. Gaul did just fine I think... at least he was always there for me.....

Thats about all for now... more later im sure.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Well its almost 6am and I just got back from Western Psych... alot of the problems ive been having this weekend topped off today and I ended up in the ER. Turns out that I had a bad reaction to one of my meds... we're making a change that should take effect pretty quickly. Either way I am going to bed... I'm beat.

And Tiff... I'm sorry....

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Well the show was amazing. Not only was the production great but it really moved me too. I needed it. It just sucks that I have to rush home to work at the hut instead of enjoying a little more time out here.

In other news lori got a speeding ticket coming out here. 85 in a 65. Its nice that she finally got one since she drives the fastest and she's the only one that never got a ticket. We all had a good laugh.

I guess I'm in a decent mood right now. The only thing that bugs me is having to rush home.... I just can't get enough time away. I really need to get out of the hut so I can at least have my weekends.

I am wishing tiff was here. She would have loved this show. Maybe ill bring her out here sometime.

Ok enough for now. More later.
Well looks like I'm going to lancaster after all.... my sisters are going too and didnt realize it...
It would figure that everyone is away while im stuck at home.... I can drive out to Lancaster to see the show my mom and dad are seeing but that would mean driving.... Even though staying in bed all day yesterday helped alot, I dont think its a good idea to drive that far by myself yet. Maybe I'll just stay in bed all day again today? Not much else to do. It probably wouldnt hurt my chest either.

I did get to talk to Tiff for a little last night. That was really nice.... she's gone home for the weekend so I probably wont hear from her again until at least tomorrow... thats the part that sucks... maybe she'll hook her laptop up and get online... I guess we'll see.

Well, I'm gonna go upstairs and see if I could make something to eat and then I guess maybe go back to bed. If anyone wants to call me, they can.... but if I take pain meds I might not hear the phone.... hopefully I would tho.

Friday, November 12, 2004

U got, u got it bad
When you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
U got, u got it bad
If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track
You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun
It's all you think about
U got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
U got it bad

--Usher "U Got it Bad"

Thanks for the last comment... I forgot that EVERYONE understands except me.... I'm glad you brought that to my attention. Maybe I need to go back to the hospital so someone can hold my hand and help me live my life because I'm not capable on my own.

I give up... Thanks again for that comment... it worked wonders.... :(

Thursday, November 11, 2004

I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it
I’m so into you
I really like what you’ve done to me
I can’t really explain it
I’m so into you
Ok so im better now...... this pain is getting to me soo bad that my mood gets out of whack right along with it. No pain right now thanks to pain meds... so im in a good mood.... I hope this stuff doesnt last too long. Dr. Gaul said some of the pain can last for months... we have to put the anxiety to rest tho.... which is another story. My insurance flat out refused to pay for the medicine I needed. I have to settle for second best I guess..... just really sucks.... insurance sucks.
Maybe I should just give up? If someone wants to talk to me... let them talk to me.... maybe I should just quit caring about people and quit trying to contact them and be friends.... maybe thats what I need to do... just stay out of other people's lives and shut up.... I bring everyone down with me.

I'm not doing well... my doctor's office (not my doctor), my friends, just no one... no one cares.... screw it all.... I really am getting suicidal again... but I know that falls on deaf ears too.... forget about me... it'll make your life easier.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I calmed down again... I got to talk to my best friend again and make sure that it was all ok.... so im good now.... good night (well in a half hour when im allowed to sleep).
Im not doing well..... at all..... I screwed so much up in my life and I'll never get a second chance.
I now owe Verizon $400 thanks to..... ARGH.... nevermind.... how am I gonna do this? I'm so far behind as it is... I was just getting caught up and now im screwed again... screwed bad.
I really wish I would have continued with Psychology..... I really dont like my jobs anymore..... ive been bordering on saying that but I really dont... I dont enjoy working with computers anymore... at least for the moment.... maybe I just need a break.... I dont know.... I am just really burnt out bad... :(

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

So I was just reading my discharge instructions from the ER.... I'm not supposed to be driving tonight.... oops... oh well...

Truth is I am a little bit worried about going to VA.... just too many uncertainties going on... new meds, etc. But it is my job and I'll push on to doing the best I can.... I just hope my best is good enough.

I'll be getting my shower and leaving in a little while. Please keep me in your prayers.
Im really frustrated and... just upset. I dont understand why I am to live like I do? In the ER so many times... mental problems... just everything ... its frustrating... I want to raise a family... have a wife that loves me... and just be normal. I dont want to have to be on medicine and stuff.... I just want to be plain old happy.

It really scared me a few mins ago when a though of suicide popped into my head.... it quickly left but I dont want those popping in.... maybe it is because of the med change and stuff..... I saw my therapist yesterday but I still dont get to see a psychiatrist for another month.... its bad.... my therapist and dr. both say its bad... but they cant do anything about it. I stopped taking my remeron on Friday.... this was my own decission... the first time I made a deccision like that on my own..... turns out it was a good move... my therapist agreed. Dr. Gaul is trying to get some new medicine approved right now.... because of course my insurance company doesnt like to cover the stuff that might just help me.... *sigh* ... We'll see where that goes.....

In my life, alot is looking better.... I feel that I am stable... but in my body, it s a different story... and I need prayer.... and a few friends to talk to.
Im really frustrated and... just upset. I dont understand why I am to live like I do? In the ER so many times... mental problems... just everything ... its frustrating... I want to raise a family... have a wife that loves me... and just be normal. I dont want to have to be on medicine and stuff.... I just want to be plain old happy.

It really scared me a few mins ago when a though of suicide popped into my head.... it quickly left but I dont want those popping in.... maybe it is because of the med change and stuff..... I saw my therapist yesterday but I still dont get to see a psychiatrist for another month.... its bad.... my therapist and dr. both say its bad... but they cant do anything about it. I stopped taking my remeron on Friday.... this was my own decission... the first time I made a deccision like that on my own..... turns out it was a good move... my therapist agreed. Dr. Gaul is trying to get some new medicine approved right now.... because of course my insurance company doesnt like to cover the stuff that might just help me.... *sigh* ... We'll see where that goes.....

In my life, alot is looking better.... I feel that I am stable... but in my body, it s a different story... and I need prayer.... and a few friends to talk to.
Back from the ER... the test was negative... same diagnosis as yesterday... just worse symptoms. I'll be sleeping now..... dr. said I cant work tomorrow.....

Monday, November 08, 2004

Well I'm off to the hospital again... long talk with dr. gaul is putting me back in the ER to have another test done.... something for an embelism or something like that... I dunno... I'm not the doctor....
Tiff and I had another pretty long conversation tonight.... it went pretty well... I talked a little about Tanya and she talked a little about her and Jim breaking up...

and.. NO! Tiff and I both need some time to get things together... I did not ask her out... nor will I for at least a while. Tiff needs her time to be single.... and it wouldnt hurt me either.... I need some paitence in the situation.

I'm sure things are all going to work out just fine... God is going to lead each one of us to where He needs/wants us to be. This is all in God's hands.... Just keep us in your prayers....
Well I just now woke up.... after sleeping all evening. I ended up in the hospital... during church I experienced a "panic attack" and of course this led to more pressure because I knew the first thing I was going to here is "its because of tiff" .... and sure enough, no more than a half hour after it started I was asked "is it because of tiff.." ... All I have to say is DAMNIT PEOPLE! Turns out it wasnt exactly a bad panic attack... It was constrodendatis or something like that. My chest was inflamed for some reason and was pushing against the cartlidge... and still it. My chest still hurts. Tiff being here this weekend was the best thing for me... but of course some people will never see that... to those people I say screw you!

They gave me 1mg of Xanax in the hospital... after I took .25 (or maybe .5) so I was completely knocked out... I slept a while in the hospital while they checked out my test results and stuff. They said that a small panic attack may have brought it on but thats been fairly normal for me recently. Thanks to someone who has not felt like scheduling me to see a psychiatrist. At this point I'm done taking my Remeron.... I'm not one to just stop taking a medicine but I am grabbing at all kinds of straws here... that medicine, whether it was helping or not, was destroying my life. Just making me tired and stuff which didnt allow me to do anything... never felt like it.... just stupid stuff...

For those of you looking for scape-goats because you cant accept that there is just something wrong with me, dont look to Tiff. TIff helped me more than anything this weekend so I dont want to hear it. Look to other situations in my life... like my aunt, jobs, lack of friends to do stuff with... just look elsewhere.

Well I just made some food so I'm going to go eat.... thanks again to those people that prayed with me and not against me. The people who saw tiff as being a possible benefit where right so far and I thank you guys so much for keeping an open mind. Now hopefully I'll be able to lay down for a few more hours and then go get my car which is still at church (since dad had to drive me to the ER).

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Well Tiff and I will be leaving for church soon.... and the sad thing is she will be leaving soon to go back to school... it's still as sad as it always was.... I'm gonna miss her again. This weekend really was great. Yes, there were some rough spots.... but we both needed this.... I'm being strong about all of this.... I honestly am doing alot better now that this weekend happened.... I just hope its not long till I see her again....

I'm gonna finish getting ready.... hopefully tiff is about ready too :) I'm sure there will be more later.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Yesterday was horrible.... things went wrong in VA, like they do every friday... I got out of there at 5 so I hit all kinds of traffic and then to top that off they closed 70 for a good 20-30 mins so they could land a medivac.... I had so much trouble getting home... what I didnt know is that Tiff was having trouble getting to my house.... didnt know she was coming.... she called me because she was on her way to my house and her brakes werent working because she almost hit a deer. She did make it here.... her car is in the garage right now being worked on. She broke a break line apparently.

So how are things going? Me and Tiff are getting along pretty well... I'm really glad of that. Its really nice to see her again and everything. I'm hoping that she stays until church but she may be going back tonight.... It just makes me very happy... I can tell that she is still hurting... truth it I'm still hurting.... but at least we're friends again... that is important to both of us... its tought... but its worth it. The nice thing is I had a talk with Beth (my mom's friend) on my way home last night and I found out that they are actually supporting everything with Tiff... I know my friends are going to be against it for a while but I'll learn to live with those differences that we have... at least my mom is behind me.

Well We're about to go get some more fish and filters and such.... I'm sure there will be more later.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Is it good or bad that I am able to just work while im having a small panic attack? I mean, I guess thats good.... but the bad thing is I have had them so many times that I'm able to work while im having them..... *shrug* ... Either way im coming back down... just a little tired because of the meds... oh well...
Please keep me in your prayers... I'm feeling a bit anxious right now... probably gonna take some meds.... this seems to be work related but who knows.... I'm just a little worked up about something.... keep me in your prayers.... thanks

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

First of all I want to thank those that are praying for me... I can feel it... thank you soo much!

Secondly... those few people that have made such an influence on me in the last week. The people who are keeping an open mind as to what may be in my future, and what may not. Tiff and I have been talking and doing very well on the friendship end of things. This is a very important thing and honestly has made me a much happier person in the last few days. It's those of you who help me without refusing to believe the POSSIBILITY of something that are helping me so much. Thank you for keeping an open mind... I need that desperately.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Just got done with a very long talk with Tiff.... this after lots of thought and talking to people that I truly trust about my best interest.....

We are debating hanging out.... I think this is the best thing for me.... sure, I'm nervous about it.... but I need to put an end to these what ifs..... as does she.

Tiff has been in counseling and getting help.... she's getting better.... and I've always known her very well. Truth is, most of what happened was all me... I blew things out of proportion and I've been too much of a wuss to admit that.... I made Tiff look bad where she shouldnt have ..... she made herself look bad where she did... and everyone knows she did..... we're trying to put that behind us.... These what ifs are killing us both..... Sure this is gonna be rough...... but we need it.... *I* need it.

Keep it in your prayers..... I need that... we need that! I really feel this is the best thing, as do others who really care about me and know the situation.
If anyone doesnt vote today, you should be deported! It's not a right, its a requirement of being a true American (especially this year)!

Monday, November 01, 2004

Tiff isnt online again :(
So here I am.... not going to lunch.... everyone decided to leave me alone on the sales floor at the same time Jim and Jason left for lunch.... they're picking me something up but thats not the point... I need to get out of here.... for this matter I COULD have packed my lunch. Stupid day.... when am I gonna have a good day. Before I got in today people were yelling on my radio about no one accessing their email... I get in and find it was a minor problem that affected 3 people.... not 3 companies... 3 PEOPLE.... out of freaking how many? I hate that crap.... boy that cried wolf is what that is about to become....

Ok enough venting.... *sigh*