Im really frustrated and... just upset. I dont understand why I am to live like I do? In the ER so many times... mental problems... just everything ... its frustrating... I want to raise a family... have a wife that loves me... and just be normal. I dont want to have to be on medicine and stuff.... I just want to be plain old happy.

It really scared me a few mins ago when a though of suicide popped into my head.... it quickly left but I dont want those popping in.... maybe it is because of the med change and stuff..... I saw my therapist yesterday but I still dont get to see a psychiatrist for another month.... its bad.... my therapist and dr. both say its bad... but they cant do anything about it. I stopped taking my remeron on Friday.... this was my own decission... the first time I made a deccision like that on my own..... turns out it was a good move... my therapist agreed. Dr. Gaul is trying to get some new medicine approved right now.... because of course my insurance company doesnt like to cover the stuff that might just help me.... *sigh* ... We'll see where that goes.....

In my life, alot is looking better.... I feel that I am stable... but in my body, it s a different story... and I need prayer.... and a few friends to talk to.