Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Well, I am now leaving for ER visit #3. this time we are going to UPMC Presby because we're done playing..... Truth is starting to sound like I may never have feeling in this finger again.
I guess my last few posts have been pretty negative. I'm sorry about that. I have been in a lot of physical pain as well as emotional pain. I've been attacked by my friends about stuff they have no idea of. And this thing with my finger is pretty bad. Latrobe Hospital basically flat out told me they screwed up bad..... Currently I have no feeling in my finger tip. At this point there is a threat of me never regaining feeling in it. This is a really bad situation....

so basically, I'm sorry for the negativity but this all is complete reality. I know God is doing something.... I know He has a plan..... And I know He cares. And even tho a lot of my friends are turning out to not really be friends, I have to realize that I do have a few friends.

Ill hopefully have more later.... I gotta figure out what I'm doing about my finger tho first......

this has to stop
There are a lot of things I am sick of right now. One is my "friends" having all of the answers without even bothering to see the reality, I'm tired of being taken advantage of by everyone - especially people I work for, I'm sick of typing one handed, sick of everytime I try to take a break something bad happens and I'm not able to relax, sick of not having any money and not making enough to pay my bills - and still hearing about how well they treat their employees. I'm just fed up with everything. I'm in pain, I'm broke, I have no friends, and I have nothing to offer to anyone.

More than every, I am realizing how worthless I am. All the good things that have been said to me are just so people could appear to be my friends - most likely to get something from me. When it comes down to it, I have never been loved by a girl and I have never had a friend that cared (except one in MA and maybe a few select others). I am alone in this world.......

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

"trust no one"
-Fox Mulder
You know what, world.... Go ahead and keep telling me what I'm doing wrong.... I understand, ok? Its all my fault always. I'm the one who screws myself over...... Right? Trying actually taking an intrest in me before you point the finger. But that would mean "caring" and why would anyone want to care about a worthless low-life like me?
I want to die..... I can't take this pain...........
Please someone take the pqin away please........
OMG am I in pain :(

Monday, August 29, 2005

An eventful night..... 6 stitches, a tetanus shot, and anti-biotic later and I'm on the way back from the hospital. Word of advice.... Don't try to cut a dog bone with a steak knife :)
Im so tired of excuses..... well we can do this because..... or that wont work because.... we cant hang out because....... A youth leader of mine once said "if you use the word 'because' you can pretty much forget everything you said before that" ... maybe thats a bit extreme but it really is something to consider. In almost all cases, when you use the word "because" its only a cop out to what you said before it.... an excuse.

My life has been full of words.... lots of words have been spoken to me.... lots of really positive stuff.... but when you say something without backing it up, it really is worthless. You can tell someone you love them time and time again but its not the words that mean anything.... you can tell someone you care all you want but it doesnt mean that you do..... you can tell someone you want to spend time with them but if your not doing anything to spend time with them, then its pointless to even say it.

Maybe its one of my old-fashioned values but I heard the saying time and time again "if there is a will, there is a way" ..... but today its too easy to make it look like a will but really its not. Its a matter of avoiding the issue that its not something you want. If you want to spend time with someone, then make that time.... if you really want it, thats what your going to do, right?

Maybe someday I will find someone that will really tell me what she means.... but then again, how am I going to trust it even then? :(

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Im in PA... got here last night and I'm here until Thursday. I really want to do some stuff while I'm up here to relax but I have absolutely no money and even worse, I have no one to do anything with. I wanted to hang out with Tanya and Eli a little bit but as of yet, she hasnt called me back.... I kinda wonder if she is ignoring me.... everyone else seems to start ignore me at some point so maybe its her time.... I dunno.... its just kinda hard... I'm up here to relax but yet im more stressed than ever... mainly for financial reasons but I'm starting to realize that being up here is just the same as being down in VA if im off........


Friday, August 26, 2005

We all know that Microsoft is responsible for letting viruses spread across the internet.... Their OS is simply too insecure in nature to stop these types of things from happening..... but now, it appears that Microsoft is spreading real life viruses... lol

If you dont click on the link, dont worry... basically a Microsoft employee came back from an over seas visit and brought a strange case of the measels with him.....

Thursday, August 25, 2005

I definately have a need for Tylenol right now..... Been a while since I had a headache this bad :(

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
on to the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes
to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone

Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Repeat Chorus

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
On top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe-

I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
Cause Jesus You are the voice of truth
And I will listen to You, You are-

"Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns

I may not have the money, but I think I need to pick up this CD anyway.... I could really use this type of encouragement right now
Happy Birthday Windows 95!

To celebrate, here is an article from back in 1995 when it was release:

Isnt it a bit interesting that Microsoft's choice for a theme song was "Start Me Up" by The Rolling Stones? The song's most popular lyric is "You make a grown man cry" .... Could it be that Microsoft saw the future?

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

This is probably the hardest post I have ever made because I don't want to admit this is the case but it seems as I give myself more and more reality checks I have to start considering the possibility of moving back to PA. Quite simply, I can not afford to live here on what I make.

Things have been getting exceptionally tough on me but I have been trying to keep my mouth shut partially because I know people don't take me seriously anymore and partially because I just want all this pain to go away.... Or maybe I just don't want to seem like a baby? But the truth is that it is hard when about once a week or more you have to go outside while at work just because you can not hold the tears in any longer. Anyone know how tough it is when you sleep as much as possible on your days off just so you don't think about being hungry - or the days that you get to eat twice are blessings? The reality is that within all of this I am now starting to get shut off notices for my utilities. I simply don't have the income to support my needed expenses. No one can fathom the cost of living in this area unless you actually have.

On top of all of this, I am struggling emotionally. Many people have told me that some girl is going to be lucky to have me and then later they started saying that any employer would be lucky to have me. The reality that these were all lies is becomming more clear. I have had some really great girls that I have dated - of course, one in paticular. Into our relationship I guess they all started realizing that I am not that great of a person. Of course the relationship fell apart and the truth was shown that they simply can't love me for who I am. Its becoming more clear that I am going to have to change who I am if I want to remain with the girl of my dreams.... The thing is, I don't know what to change. And as for employment.... Well, if I was really worth all that I was told then I would be making enough to pay my bills, right?

There is a whole lot of talk and very little action. Saying I am a great employee and showing me that I am are two different things.... The same way that saying you love me and showing me you love me are different as well.

I hate sounding selfish by saying this but its really hard to make sacrifice upon sacrifice for people and yet never have anyone make a sacrifice for me. There have been a few people that have and I appriciate all of those.... But I just wish that I was worth something to more than just a handful of people. Words are not enough.
Slowly becomming one of my biggest gripes is the circulation of false information via email. I'm really starting to believe that this is becomming a bigger problem than the unwanted spam we all get giving us a great chance to enlarge our penis. In those cases, we see the word penis, and delete it. Other than the time it takes to delete all of these messages, there is no harm done to us. But how many of us get emails from people we know that got an email from people they know that says something that is completely plausable.... but yet, it is not true in the lest bit. The latest one that I got.... well, that I got AGAIN is the email circulating about Target. This of course hit home because of how much I prefer Target over Wal-Mart any day.... but all feelings aside, why dont people look at the facts before sending on an email and just assuming its true since the friend of a friend of a friend had sent it? The email stated various things such as Target does not support our troops. I did some research on this and found that it is not only false, it is completely the opposite. The more I researched this, the more I began to like Target more and more. And Target is French, right? Not at all.... they started in 1902 in the US and they have always been a US-held company. The truth is that Target is rated as one of the top companies for giving to the community. Donations literally FLOW out of Target and it's actually a company that more companies should look toward. For all of you that get these emails whether they be about Target or whatever company or whatever rumor, or how the next gang is killing people..... before you send that email on, very simply do a search at and see if its true or not. If it's true, send it on (and maybe include the snopes link).... if its not true, click your reply to all button and send the link on snopes that deems it not to be true.

As for target, please see this link:

Sunday, August 21, 2005

That's the way, uh huh uh huh, I like it..... :)

This was just an awesome weekend! Matt came down to visit me from PA so we got to hang out for a while.... It was great just being able to talk to someone.... and it was just as great that it was him.... Still my best friend since 3rd grade... hard to beat that :)

We went to church today and it was a really good service.... After the service, a group of us went to Ruby Tuesdays. There always are at least a few of us that go get something to eat.... we had a really great time there too. Lots of great people that go to New Life! After we hung out there for a while we came back to my apartment and Matt got ready and left. I got some things together and then headed out to meet a few people from church. We met up and went to the KC and the Sunshine Band concert. AOL and Telos have this string of concerts and this was one of them. Man, did I have a blast. I got my picture taken with the AOL guy.... I'll hopefully have that pic soon... lol.... but the concert was great.... and it was just so great that I got to be around people this weekend. I really got to know some people from my church alot better and met some new faces from church too. I absolutely can not tell you how great it feels for me to be included in something and just being able to be around other people.... its great.... and it works wonders for my mood and such.

There was one funny thing that I think I actually was shocked on myself. I think all of you already know of my complaint about this area in that there is nothing open 24 hours. I've always said that this area shuts down around 9pm.... that is an estimate because there are a few places that are open till 10pm.... but really, after 9pm, most of everything just shuts down and almost everyone is not out at all. So Nathan is one of the people I hang out with after church and I went to the concert with tonight. While we were waiting we were talking about the 24 hour thing. He is from Missouri. Later he had mentioned about him not understanding why they would start an outdoor concert at 6:30 when it doesnt even start to get dark until at least 8. I saw his point.... I remember going to concerts at PPG Pavillion up in Pittsburgh and the darkness was a big thing.... but I told him that it probably had to do with the fact that the whole area shuts down at 9pm and if they started it any later, people just wouldnt go to it..... I couldnt have prepared myself to witness what I did tho. This is absolutely no joke.... the concert went until about 9:45 or so.... at 9pm... almost on the dot, people started leaving the concert. I was completely shocked. All around us people were folding up their blankets and moving on out.... Honestly, this area is bad for the shutting down after 9 thing.... but I had NO idea it was to the point that people would leave in the middle of something especially when they PAID to go to it. And believe me, when I say people were leaving, I'm not talking one or two families.... I'm talking a big chunk of the people there actually left.... it just really shocked me. Nathan and I were both kind of shocked.... tho im sure the natives weren't :)

So tomorrow is another day off... I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do. I'm considering putting the stereo in my Samurai that way I will have it for next weekend... Otherwise I'll need to pick up a boom box or something.... no way I'm driving to PA without music :) I'm looking forward to this coming weekend. I'm leaving Saturday after work and heading up to PA. I'm also taking vacation days for the 30th and 31st because I could definately use it :) ... I'm probably going to spend most of that time fixing my Sammy up and getting it ready for inspection. So On Saturday I'll be driving up to PA in my Sammy and then I wont be coming back until the following Thursday..... so if anyone up there wants to hang out, let me know :)

Well, I have a few things to get done here.... I'm beat.... but I am considering popping a movie in.... I dunno tho.... I am really tired... we'll see which desire wins :)

Have a great week, everyone!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Two things I miss right now. I miss Dr Gaul. I don't think ill find another Dr like him. I also miss my bed. I've been so drained recently. I hope I start feeling better soon.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Thank God I go to the doctors tomorrow.
I'm really struggling right now.... lots of thoughts, lots of emotions, and just being physically sick. I saw a commercial tonight themed around graduation and the tears welled up in my eyes. Why? I guess because I had flash backs to May. So many fears of losing the girl I loved were there.... but on that day she graduated, all of it disappeared and there was nothing more than alot of pride.... I was so proud of my girl.... There is still a group of pictures above my TV for her.... but she never got to see them.

Why is this killing me so much? I just dont know how to put the thoughts into words right now. I mean.... there are quite a few other girls that I have been talking to... ones that there are plans of getting together.... but yet everytime something is planned, it all falls through. Why dont people want to hang out with me? Why do they seem so excited and eager to get to know me but then all of a sudden they disappear without even giving it a shot. I dont get it. Tiff actually put time in to me.... and I miss that. But, I apparently did something to destroy that. I need to be loved so badly. I tried to make up an excuse to go back to PA tonight.... but it fell through. Sure it might only have been for an hour or so but just being able to see someone..... Lonliness is killing me. There's alot of stuff thats killing me.

There is so much more on my mind.... so much more that I really want to right here.... but yaknow what? It's just not worth it. I always avoided a journal because I thought it to be pointless. Why write if your writing something that just stays in a book. When blogging became popular and I jumped into this new phenomenon... it was a great thing.... and I really felt like what I wrote really went somewhere.... It helped alot. It brought out the few people that actually cared about me. But I guess now the novelty is wearing off and maybe now my blog is becomming just as pointless as writing in a journal. I'm here in VA now.... my life is about to go in one of many different directions. Somehow God is using me.... but I still have no close relationships. My family is in PA... I was dumped by someone who promised she loved me.... I've been thrown excuses left and right of why people cant visit me.... I've been thrown excuses of why people cant hang out with me.... my email box has gone from getting emails from people wondering of how I am to a constant stream of spam with no good emails in between.

I have a mission and a purpose, I'm sure.... its just im realizing more and more that I am on my own. I enjoy going out of my way for others and even tho it would be nice if it was appriciated and respected once in a while, I realize that is just never going to be the case in my life. I am a source of comfort for lots of people.... I help so many people.... but when they are comforted and their needs are met, there is no longer a use for me and I'm left along side the road.

So what is the point of updating people on my life? Whats the point of blogging anymore? I pray that no one has to experience what I have been experiencing. This is just beyond comprehension. Don't worry tho... I'll get up tomorrow, put the smile on my face, go in to work and do the same thing that I do every day -- and other than the few posts like this or maybe a few comments, no one will never even suspect of what I am currently dealing with. Why bother? Expressing what I feel isnt going to make a difference in my life or in the way anyone treats me.

Sure there are many things I want to let people know.... but I'm realizing there is no point.
I just sent this letter to someone that I just met on an online board. I dont know why but I feel like I need to post a copy here.

The thing is that I am just becoming extremely annoyed at the way Christians are going about things in today's age.

Here is some things that I want to tell you about me. First of all... back in 1995 I was given the name "BibleBoy" by people bashing me in school. They called me that to be detrimental to me.... but in reality, I realized that that is who I was.... and as a result, I changed my online handles to "BibleBoy" from "Headpin" that I used to use. This was long before people were using the internet... back when we used BBS systems as a form of online communication. As the internet grew popular, I migrated to the net.... in 1998 I registered (it shows 2000 now because of record updates) and it has been my domain since then. In the past few years I have been noting others with the name "BibleBoy" ... There is you, and I have also found online someone else using that name. I knew that "BibleBoy" was too much of a "straight" name so I mixed it in with my favorite number and dropped the vowels making it like a true internet handle.... that is where I became bblboy54. I have had a Google Alert set up for "bibleboy" for quite some time so that I could monitor anyone mentioning me on the web... as a result I have been watching your posts for a long time and what I noticed most of all is that you are exactly how I used to be. The things that you say here are exactly the things that I said back in the BBS days -- the exact same things that got me in trouble and got me kicked off of some systems. People had no respect for me which I wrote off to be a result of my following Christ ... in the long run, yes, this was the reason.... but the fact is that I greatly misunderstood my purpose and I was greatly uneffective in not only my walk with God but with showing others what God is all about. All I was doing was confirming everyone's already exsisting theory that Christians are nut cases.

Towards the end of 1999 I had a drastic eye opening experience. I moved to FL to work for Disney World..... 90% of my co-workers were homosexual. It took alot of adjusting for me. A few months later I was transfered to Epcot Center from MGM Studios and I went through traning. In training I started talking to a very nice guy who always wore Christian T-Shirts and talked very fondly of the Lord. Much to my surprise a few weeks later I found out he was also a homosexual. I dealt with this for a while.... really asking God what I was to make of this and God really impressed on me that this man struggles with sin the same way that I struggle with sin. It became very clear that the sturggles I have people write off as normal struggles so I am allowed to still be called a Christian.... but so many Christians can not accept homosexuality so these people are automatically not able to be Christians..... and its this thinking that is starting to really destroy people. This man sinned...... As did I.... I'm by far not a homosexual.... but why is it that I could have a sexual problem with a girl and be reprimanded for the action but not be attacked and said that I cant be a Christian but this man has the same type of a sexual problem with a man and automatically he can not be a Christian.... and one step more -- he is restricted from attending certain churches. The typical Christian of today will never be able to reach that man.

Today I live in Virginia and 2 of my best friends here are homosexuals. Both of them know that I do not support homosexuality in any way... but both of them know that I respect them as people. My one friend told me one day that there were 2 things he hated more than anything in the world.... those were Christians and Republicans. My response was "umm.. I'm both" and he said "yes, but your different" .... and that was the best that I ever felt about myself.... and in the past few months I have been able to make such an impact on him. Yes, he is still gay.... and no, he may never come around to where he should be -- but that's not my job. I have realized that we CAN NOT bring people to the Lord. Only God can do that.... we must plant the seeds and then let God do His work. The more we paint ourselves to be complete nutcases, the less effective we can be.

God said in Isaiah "See, I am doing a new thing" ... God doesnt change but sometimes the things He does do change. I think it's time for Christians to realize that He is doing a new thing.

It is more important that we befriend these people that go completely against our beliefs. Some will never listen and those are the people that we walk away from. Those are the people Jesus shook the dust off of His sandals and walked away from. But the people that He reached He befriended. There were the people that He spoke against.... He overturned the tables in the temple.... but look at the majority of the people He reached. The prostitue that was about to get stoned.... Jesus walked up and stood up for her and said "He that is without sin, throw the first stone"... The woman at the well.... He befriended her.... Look at Zachias.... Jesus went to His house.... all of these people He reached by not condeming them but by befriending them. As Christians, it is our job to model Jesus. Many Christians where bracelets that say WWJD for What Would Jesus Do ... but I think that it should be WDJD for What DID Jesus Do. Its much more effective to look at Jesus' life and model it than it is to speculate what He would do if He was standing in each position. If you consume yourself with His life, then you'll be able to walk right through situations without even having to think about it.

It turns my stomach to see constant arguments between someone who blatantly says they are a Christian and someone who is not a Christian. There is no point. In an argument, that non-Christian is only going to be defensive and the Christian is only going to prove the belief that the non-Christian already has that God is not Love.... because quite honestly, that is EXACTLY how I would view it in their shoes.

For a short time I started a group of about 6 people who went onto IRC to do "street witnessing" but not in the traditional sense. What we did was met in one channel and then randomly picked another secular channel. All 6 of us would go in there and join in their conversation.... we would talk about whatever they were talking about..... and if the right moment came up to slip God into the conversation, we would do it.... but only at that moment. I remember one time we did this..... We led someone to the Lord and also brought someone back into Chrstitianity that had turned his back on God. The reason? He told us that we showed him that Christianity isnt all about the turn-or-burn preaching that pushed him so far away. That should speak to any Christian. Not only do we see someone coming to the Lord because of love.... but we also see someone who WAS a Christian and was pushed away because of people cramming stuff down his throat. If someone who *IS* a Christian is pushed away because of that, how are we even going to being to reach non-Christians with that approach.

I am not a perfect person.... in fact, I wake up every day misserable because of things that I struggle with.... but then God speaks to me and performs yet another miracle in my life.... and often times I sit crying because I cant understand how God could minister to me with being the horrible person that I am. I am nowhere near worthy of doing God's work.... but somehow, He uses me anyway. I will never be worthy of being used by God.... but I guess He'll use me anyway. I dont want anyone to be like me... it's the last thing I want because I really, truly, am not a good person. What I want to see is Christians start befriending those sinners that are out there and start modeling the Life of Christ. I want Christians to start sitting back and thinking about Jesus calling Zachias down from the tree.... and thinking about Jesus stopping the people from stoning the girl who had every right to be stoned. Until we, as Christians, start modeling this behavior, the world has every right not to believe.... why would they? Unless we model Jesus's constant behavior of standing up for the sinners then we truly are nothing but hippocritical.

God Bless you, brother!

Monday, August 15, 2005

Hey everyone! This is something worth getting involved in and since they are just launching they are giving away free membership. Take a look and join.

Wow.... I just cried watching Full House.

Does anyone realize how much I want to have a family? How much I want to have that one special girl that means the world to me... that one special girl that I mean the world to.... A couple that just adores each other and would do anything for the other person.... Does anyone realize how much I want to raise little ones together with that girl and just watch my dream come true.... The only dream I really have: To be the best husband and the best father that I can be. Does anyone realize?

Why then, am I constantly plagued with heartbreak and pain? With unfaithfulness... with lies.... Why do I always lose the things that mean the most to me? Why does that special girl come into my life and when I'm convinced that that girl will never leave me and will really always be there.... Why does she leave?

I want to hold that girl.... I want to be there for her.... I want her to be there for me.... I need to be loved. I need the tears that I am shedding right now to fall on someone who cares.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

I dont understand it!

So tonight I finally got my MythTV system working. For those of you who dont know, MythTV is an open source application that runs on Linux and is basically a TiVo on crack :)

Anyway, Independence Day was on Bravo so I figured I'd watch it. Its a movie I havent seen in a long while nor do I really remember plus it has some action scenes that will really test the processing of my MythTV system. So the ships start blowing up the world... obviously when there is alot of movement on the screen.... and my video starts skipping really bad. Of course, I'm not happy.... but I figure it will catch up.... the video starts getting worse.... all of a sudden, the video locks up. I start doing some things with the system.... still cant video back.... argh! I run back to my room to at least catch the ending since I have a little 13" TV there..... I turn it on.... AND ADELPHIA IS DOWN!!!!!!!!!!

I dont understand how a cable company can screw so much up. These are the people that argue that you lose sattelite when it storms but yet if I sneeze the wrong way I lose my cable. Oh... btw, there is no storm outside.... I wish to God I could get Dish Network here..... Adelphia has to be the worst!

I guess now I should go change settings back to the way they were in case Adelphia ever starts working again. Argh!
Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back
to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back
to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back
to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back
to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

"Just Want You To Know" by Backstreet Boys
I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won’t take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" by Relient K
Completely not feeling good today :(

Friday, August 12, 2005

I'm really feeling down right now. I could use something happy right now.... But just knowing that now I face another weekend of complete loneliness...... Its so hard.

So effective today, I am on call this weekend. So that's why I can't go to PA. I was looking forward to going... Not to mention I had tons of stuff scheduled that I had to cancel.... And I was really looking forward to working on my sammy..... But such is life when your a dedicated employee.

Here's hoping for something fun this weekend...... But I'm not gonna get my hopes up.... Especially not for this weekend...... Two things fell through now.

Anyone wanna come visit?
Well I'm not going to PA this weekend... And its not financial either.... Much more frustrating than that.... Maybe ill post more later or maybe ill crawl in a hole and die..... Relaxation? What's that?
So I just did a preview of my blog and saw the daily scripture on the right for today.... It really refreshed me so I wanted to actually post it.

How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me? Consider and hear me, O LORD my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death; Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved. But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation. I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me. Psalm 13:1-6 KJV
Well... I guess it's official.... no Purple Door for me again this year :( ... It seems my August thing-to-do is fading just like my summer-to-do thing of riding roller coasters.... I wish I had time and money to relax and do something for myself once in a while :(

The good news is my tire is at the tire shop now getting patched so my sammy will be drivable again today.... now I'll have 2 cars at work but, hey, life goes on, right? :)
"You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape."

... for the rest of the night I'm going to try to figure out how this fits with a flat tire :)

My sammy is currently parked at work sitting on a jack.... weee... I have the tire in my Cavalier and I am going to try to get it plugged or patched tomorrow.... We'll see how this relates to me going to PA. I wanna get it fixed so I can take it up to PA to work on it, but getting it fixed means using the money I have for gas.....

and now the question is, what else can I list on eBay?

Thursday, August 11, 2005

So I have the worst luck in the world.

If you look at the pics of my Sammy, there is something you might have noticed... there is no spare tire. Yea, you see where this is going? I was driving it and a truck passed me and a piece of metal flew in front of me... of course I couldnt avoid it and ran it over.... I have a nice little piece of metal in my, now flat, tire. My spare? Well, the Sammy didnt come with one... I have one for it but its in PA..... I love car stuff!
I guess recently I havent really written much about how I am doing. It's been intersting I guess... but the thing is, I just really dont know what I am feeling. I've been experiencing a whole range of emotions. Facing some struggles still... mainly with finances. The exciting thing that happened recently is what I did post and that is that I got my Sammy! Its sad when you buy a car for $500 and you had to make payments.... and actually.... if I hadnt have already told the person I bought it from that I was going to pay it off by last weekend, it wouldnt be mine yet... because I really just cant afford it. It really is a good thing that I have it.... When I commited to buy it, things were a bit better than they are now financially.... and it was a good few months ago that that took place.... he was willing to take payments. He was the second person in the past week that flat out told me that he had no idea how I was living on what I was making (he knew because him and I had a conversation about employment in VA). It's mine now tho.... and even tho it was a stretch making those payments, it is a good thing that I have it.... and I dont say that only because I'm so excited to have a Sammy again.... there are alot of benefits to having it... one is when I added it to my insurance, my monthly insurance bill went DOWN.... gotta love multi-car discounts :)

I got stuck a little late at the data center tonight. The livetech on duty and I were talking and he said "I told you... you need to just get a bed" ... and there is alot of joking in that that I should just get a bed and set it up in the data center with my fish tanks around..... It would certainly save me money.... heck if I did that I might actually be able to eat more than once a day. I guess in a way its sad that I'm joking about this... I mean... its good that I'm taking my problems lightly.... but at the same time, the reality of it is I should not be in this situation... especially with all that I have done and how hard I have worked.... regardless tho, it is God that sees my effort and it is God that matters....

Im also dealing with some lonlieness issues.... This is where there are so many emotions going through my head. I miss Tiff.... but at the same time I'm kinda excited to move on... but yet.... there are a couple girls that we have been talking about hanging out and stuff.... but its becomming the same exact thing. We make plans and then all of a sudden something comes up -- time and time again. I'm trying so hard not to fall back into the way of thinking "what is wrong with me" ... but its a struggle with all that happens. I just wish I could have that magical moment again... one like when Tiff and I met.... I still dont understand why she let go of me.... but no sense wondering... whats done is done.... I just want to feel that way again.... and I want it to last forever. I guess that in God's time she will come to me.... Its hard sometimes not knowing when or even who that will be. I guess I'm still dealing a little with the fact that Tiff expressed an intrest in keeping in touch with me and now it seems that is completely gone. I saw her online a couple times since she's been in Indiana and.... well, it would have been nice to hear from her..... but at the same time.... well, honestly.... I dont know how I feel... I guess this is why I've been posting so many songs. People say all the time how much music has it's own way of speaking... and I guess thats what's happening with me right now.... I dont have words to say.... but the lyrics I post I guess express a part of me that I'm not able to express right now......

I dont understand one thing tonight tho... its not even 4am and I'm like dead tired already.... so I think I'm gonna call it a night before my recently popular 5 or 6am bed time.

Thank you all of your prayers! God Bless!
if we can't solve any problems
and why do we lose so many tears?
so you go again when the leading man appears.
Always the same theme
can't you see
We've got ev'rything going on and on and on.
Ev'ry time you go away you take a piece of me with you.
Ev'ry time you go away you take a piece of me with you.

Go on and go free
maybe you're too close to see.
I can feel your body move
does it mean that much to me.
I can't go on singing the same theme
'cause can't you see
We've got ev'rything
even though you know:
Ev'ry time you go away you take a piece of me with you.
Ev'ry time you go away you take a piece of me with you.

Can't go on singing the same theme
'cause baby
can't you see
We've got ev'rything going on and on and on.
Ev'ry time you go away you take a piece of me with you.
Ev'ry time you go away you take a piece of me with you.
Ev'ry time you go away you take a piece of me with you.
Ev'ry time
ev'ry time you go away - but I don't care -
You take a piece of me with you. Ev'ry time you go away -
Ev'ry time you go away - don't leave me all alone

And breakin' up a piece of me. Ey'ry time you go away.

"Every Time You Go Away" by Paul Young

Monday, August 08, 2005

Lonely I'm Mr.lonely,
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I’m so lonely,
I’m Mr.Lonely
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I’m so lonely

Yo, this one here,
Goes out to all my playas out there, man, ya know
That got that one good girl, dawg
That’s always been there man, like
took all the bullshit
Then one day she can’t take it no more
And decided to leave

I woke up in the middle of the night
And I noticed my girl wasn't by my side,
Coulda sworn I was dreamin',
For her I was feenin',
So I had to take a little ride,
Back tracking on these few years,
Tryna figure out what I do to make it go bad,
Cause ever since my girl left me,
My whole life came crashin,I’m so

Lonely (so lonely),
I’m Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
for my own (to call my own,girl)

I’m so lonely (so lonely)
I’m Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
for my own (to call my own,girl)

Can't believe I hadda girl like you
And I just let you walk right outta my life,
After all I put you through you still stuck
Around and stayed by my side,
What really hurt me is I broke ur heart, baby
You a good girl and I had no right,
I really wanna make things right,
Cause, without you in my life girl, I’m so

Lonely (so lonely)
I’m Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
for my own (to call my own,girl)

I’m so lonely (so lonely)
I’m Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
for my own (to call my own,girl)

Been all about the world ain't neva met a girl
That can take the things that you been through
Never thought the day would come
Where you'd get up and run
And I would be out chasing you
Cause ain't nowhere in the globe I'd rather be,
Ain't no one in the globe I’d rather see
Then the girl of my dreams that made me be
so happy but now so lonely

Lonely (so lonely)
I’m Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
for my own (to call my own, girl)

I’m so lonely (so lonely)
I’m Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
for my own (to call my own, girl)

Never thought that I would be alone (be alone),
I didn’t think you'd be gone this long, (gone for long)
I just want you to call my phone,
So stop playing girl and
Come on home (come on home),
Baby girl I didn't mean to shout, (ohhh)
I want me and you to work it out, (work it out)
I never wished I'd ever
Hurt my baby (Hurt my baby)
And it’s drivin me crazy cause I'm so

Lonely (so lonely)
I’m Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
for my own (to call my own,girl)

I’m so lonely (so lonely)
I’m Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
for my own (to call my own,girl)

Lonely, so lonely, lonely,
So lonely, (so lonely),
Mr. Lonely, lonely, so lonely
So lonely, (so lonely, so lonely, Mr. Lonely

"Lonely" by Akon
"I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing."

Sorry... I just really liked that quote! :)

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Its finally mine. This is a 1988 Suzuki Samurai. I bought this very very very cheap as it needs some work but it is reliable as a second/emergency car. The amazing thing is the engine is quiet. It runs really really well. It does have some issues such as the driver's side door latch, the windshield, and various other things.... it shows its price... but the important things are great. It feels really good to own another Samurai! :)

Well I just got the title for my new sammy :)

I'm currently sitting at the dmv to register it.... Man is it busy here.... Ill be here a while.

Lori and Kari came to visit this weekend. They are at my apartment sleeping right now. When I get back and they get up, they will take me to pick up my sammy and then we're gonna go to Washington DC. Should be a fun day!

Well... More later - including pics of my new baby!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

How do you cope when
The one you love is with somebody else
And there's nothing you could do about it
How do I deal with
The fact that you had a chance
But you chose to turn away for your career
I gotta take it though it's heartbreakin'
It's something that I had to do
But nobody said that it would hurt so bad
So how do I do I deal without you

"How to deal" by Frankie J

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I told the girl that you should treat her like a lady and
She told me all the things you did and it was shady, man
She said that what you say and what you do are different things
While you were telling me that you were checking out them blingy rings

She said she's had enough
Well, it sounds to me like you're straight out of luck
And she said she's all through
And life's not blowin' her kisses thanks to you

I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone
(Never know what you got till it's gone)
I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone
(Never know what you got till it's gone)

She said she's had enough
So, it sounds to me like your still out of love
And she said you weren't true
And life's not blowin' her kisses thanks to you

She said it's gonna be alright
Cause God made a way through the pain and he opened her eyes
And she said you came crawling back
But after what you did to her she wouldn't have any of that

"Gone" by TobyMac

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Well, I'm not feeling too bad today.... which is good... especially considering I have no money again and already im seeing not only my next pay check but the one after that totally dissappear... in a few days, I will start working on my third paycheck from now.... It's all in God's Hands tho.... there have been some people help me out and I really appriciate it. This is so tough.... especially since I hate having to borrow money.... Hopefully someday soon I'll be making enough money to not only pay my bills but to pay back everyone that has been helping me out.

I was in PA this weekend... it was nice. Got to see Tanya and Eli.... I miss that little boy so much. He is my little buddy... no argument about that. It just does something to me when he cries because I have to leave. I cant wait till Tanya brings him down here to visit so I can take him to the Air and Space museum, see the president's house... and ride the train that goes underground (thats the metro/subway for those of you that dont speak 5 year old).

As for now... its back into my work week in an hour here.... I hope this week goes pretty smooth.... This weekend Lori and Kari are coming to visit... so I'm looking forward to that.

Thats all for now... I'm sure there will be more soon! :)
Why do I feel like I'm going to burst into tears at any moment?