I guess recently I havent really written much about how I am doing. It's been intersting I guess... but the thing is, I just really dont know what I am feeling. I've been experiencing a whole range of emotions. Facing some struggles still... mainly with finances. The exciting thing that happened recently is what I did post and that is that I got my Sammy! Its sad when you buy a car for $500 and you had to make payments.... and actually.... if I hadnt have already told the person I bought it from that I was going to pay it off by last weekend, it wouldnt be mine yet... because I really just cant afford it. It really is a good thing that I have it.... When I commited to buy it, things were a bit better than they are now financially.... and it was a good few months ago that that took place.... he was willing to take payments. He was the second person in the past week that flat out told me that he had no idea how I was living on what I was making (he knew because him and I had a conversation about employment in VA). It's mine now tho.... and even tho it was a stretch making those payments, it is a good thing that I have it.... and I dont say that only because I'm so excited to have a Sammy again.... there are alot of benefits to having it... one is when I added it to my insurance, my monthly insurance bill went DOWN.... gotta love multi-car discounts :)
I got stuck a little late at the data center tonight. The livetech on duty and I were talking and he said "I told you... you need to just get a bed" ... and there is alot of joking in that that I should just get a bed and set it up in the data center with my fish tanks around..... It would certainly save me money.... heck if I did that I might actually be able to eat more than once a day. I guess in a way its sad that I'm joking about this... I mean... its good that I'm taking my problems lightly.... but at the same time, the reality of it is I should not be in this situation... especially with all that I have done and how hard I have worked.... regardless tho, it is God that sees my effort and it is God that matters....
Im also dealing with some lonlieness issues.... This is where there are so many emotions going through my head. I miss Tiff.... but at the same time I'm kinda excited to move on... but yet.... there are a couple girls that we have been talking about hanging out and stuff.... but its becomming the same exact thing. We make plans and then all of a sudden something comes up -- time and time again. I'm trying so hard not to fall back into the way of thinking "what is wrong with me" ... but its a struggle with all that happens. I just wish I could have that magical moment again... one like when Tiff and I met.... I still dont understand why she let go of me.... but no sense wondering... whats done is done.... I just want to feel that way again.... and I want it to last forever. I guess that in God's time she will come to me.... Its hard sometimes not knowing when or even who that will be. I guess I'm still dealing a little with the fact that Tiff expressed an intrest in keeping in touch with me and now it seems that is completely gone. I saw her online a couple times since she's been in Indiana and.... well, it would have been nice to hear from her..... but at the same time.... well, honestly.... I dont know how I feel... I guess this is why I've been posting so many songs. People say all the time how much music has it's own way of speaking... and I guess thats what's happening with me right now.... I dont have words to say.... but the lyrics I post I guess express a part of me that I'm not able to express right now......
I dont understand one thing tonight tho... its not even 4am and I'm like dead tired already.... so I think I'm gonna call it a night before my recently popular 5 or 6am bed time.
Thank you all of your prayers! God Bless!
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