I'm really struggling right now.... lots of thoughts, lots of emotions, and just being physically sick. I saw a commercial tonight themed around graduation and the tears welled up in my eyes. Why? I guess because I had flash backs to May. So many fears of losing the girl I loved were there.... but on that day she graduated, all of it disappeared and there was nothing more than alot of pride.... I was so proud of my girl.... There is still a group of pictures above my TV for her.... but she never got to see them.
Why is this killing me so much? I just dont know how to put the thoughts into words right now. I mean.... there are quite a few other girls that I have been talking to... ones that there are plans of getting together.... but yet everytime something is planned, it all falls through. Why dont people want to hang out with me? Why do they seem so excited and eager to get to know me but then all of a sudden they disappear without even giving it a shot. I dont get it. Tiff actually put time in to me.... and I miss that. But, I apparently did something to destroy that. I need to be loved so badly. I tried to make up an excuse to go back to PA tonight.... but it fell through. Sure it might only have been for an hour or so but just being able to see someone..... Lonliness is killing me. There's alot of stuff thats killing me.
There is so much more on my mind.... so much more that I really want to right here.... but yaknow what? It's just not worth it. I always avoided a journal because I thought it to be pointless. Why write if your writing something that just stays in a book. When blogging became popular and I jumped into this new phenomenon... it was a great thing.... and I really felt like what I wrote really went somewhere.... It helped alot. It brought out the few people that actually cared about me. But I guess now the novelty is wearing off and maybe now my blog is becomming just as pointless as writing in a journal. I'm here in VA now.... my life is about to go in one of many different directions. Somehow God is using me.... but I still have no close relationships. My family is in PA... I was dumped by someone who promised she loved me.... I've been thrown excuses left and right of why people cant visit me.... I've been thrown excuses of why people cant hang out with me.... my email box has gone from getting emails from people wondering of how I am to a constant stream of spam with no good emails in between.
I have a mission and a purpose, I'm sure.... its just im realizing more and more that I am on my own. I enjoy going out of my way for others and even tho it would be nice if it was appriciated and respected once in a while, I realize that is just never going to be the case in my life. I am a source of comfort for lots of people.... I help so many people.... but when they are comforted and their needs are met, there is no longer a use for me and I'm left along side the road.
So what is the point of updating people on my life? Whats the point of blogging anymore? I pray that no one has to experience what I have been experiencing. This is just beyond comprehension. Don't worry tho... I'll get up tomorrow, put the smile on my face, go in to work and do the same thing that I do every day -- and other than the few posts like this or maybe a few comments, no one will never even suspect of what I am currently dealing with. Why bother? Expressing what I feel isnt going to make a difference in my life or in the way anyone treats me.
Sure there are many things I want to let people know.... but I'm realizing there is no point.