Wednesday, November 30, 2005

11/30 [16:05] *** {PH}grisha has signed off IRC (Quit: Leaving).

That's the last time that I will see that. I wish you the best of luck Grisha in your next job! It really was great working at Carpathia with you. You better stay in touch!
Well, I did check on and there are some nativity sets..... they are all small but at least they are there..... Still want to know why there arent any in the store.

Has anyone else noticed there not being any nativity products in their local target?
For the first time ever, I am really dissappointed with Target. I was shopping for some things and figured I would look for some Christmas decorations for my apartment. One thing I really would like is a small outdoor nativity but they didn't have any that fit my budget.... Well, they didn't have any at all..... Then I looked around some more and noticed that they have no nativity anywhere. Not a single decoration contains a nativity. Honestly, its insane. How could you not sell any nativity?

I think ill be emailing someone about this.

What's the buzz? Teens can't stand it | CNET

WTH?!? :)

What's the buzz?

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Im kinda out of it right now.... wish I had something to do tonight other than work.... or at least had a chance to be with someone.... I'm really having the feeling of lonliness creep up on me again..... I dont understand.....

Please keep me in your prayers.
So the interview went well :) It's looking promising! I will typically be based at a certain customer in Northern VA but I will occasionally be pulled out to travel to other states (and future possibility of countries). When I travel it will typically be a leave monday, come back Friday thing and weekends will almost always be mine. As long as weekends will (typically) be mine, I think this job could work out really well. It will give me extreme experience and help me grow in huge ways. It also sounds like the salary is going to be very nice and benefits will be even better. So we'll have to see what happens. It's kind of exciting :)

Please keep this all in your prayers!

Monday, November 28, 2005

So tomorrow I have an interview with Rackables at 1:30... and in mid-January I am going to be moving in with Keith in Herndon. I am really looking forward to all of this.... I completely belive that God is working things out.... but there are alot of people that are working hard for me.... people that accept me for who I am and care about me. Keith has been a very big part of the way things have gone.... Keith got me down in VA and got me to realize that I needed to start doing something and he pulled strings with Rackables and with Equinix and all of the above..... and actually, alot of his words I think made an impact on the way Carpathia changed some things..... I think this is going to be a really great arrangement.... Keith is by far someone that I can trust and someone that I definately get along with very well.....

I really love living down here... I am surrounded by great friends like Keith, Becca, Nate, and Kim.... and I'm a part of a great church..... I really honestly fit in for the first time in my life.... and I appriciate all of those people that make me feel welcome...... And of course, I appriciate all the people back in PA that are supporting me and praying for me.

There are alot of people in my life that are making a huge impact in my life.... and I thank all of them.... all of you..... for that!
One of the first things out of a psychiatrist's mouth is "tell me about your childhoor" .. ok, we all know it.... we joke about it.... but do we really realize just how much someone's childhood and especially their relationship with their parents means in the developement of that person. By looking back and diagnosing what happened in someone's childhood, you can better plan for how to help that person.

We know that forgiveness of sins was not the only reason why God gave His Son to die on the cross.... Another reason why Jesus came was to show us an example of how to live.... One example that I think is often missed is in Matthew 17:5 which says "While he was still speaking, a bright cloud enveloped them, and a voice from the cloud said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!" There is a very important example in this that most people miss. God is showing an amazing example of how a father needs to treat his son.... Three very important points that need to be followed: "I love you", "I'm proud of you", "Your good at..." Every son needs to hear those things and God layed them all out in one passage. God loves Jesus, God is pleased (proud) with Jesus, and He says to listen to Him (because He is good at what He does).....

Everyone one of us longs something that we missed from our childhood.... for guys, it's generally something not given to us from our dads. I experienced this as well as many others. As men, we always strive to please our dads.... Its important to us... it's important to have aproval from him and to be told that we are now men.... to be told we are loved, to be told that dad is proud of us, and for dad to see something that we are good at. Even just a few weeks ago I remember talking to my dad about how my tires were so bad that anytime it rained and I pulled out of a red-light I spun tire. The response I got was "well, its the way you drive" and I said no I didnt think it was but my dad continued "if you'd just let off the clutch a little easier" ... Truth is, the rest of that night I really couldnt drive.... in my mind, I wasnt good at driving in my dad's eyes.... In fact, for the first time in a long while I actually stalled out my car.... Why? Because whether my dad saw it or not, I felt I needed to adjust and be a better driver. As a result, I screwed up even more because I was trying to fix something that wasnt broke.... I'm sure I can improve as a driver but I certainly dont need to reinvent the wheel as I felt that I did. Related to this, some researchers that have been researching homosexuality have found that people who end up homosexuals are, in many cases, trying to fill a void and heal a fracture of a broken relationship with their dad or even their lack of having a dad.

This is just an example of things that happen and how much they affect us as people.... But it's important to realize that my dad does love me as well as many other dads love their sons..... In fact David Blankenhorn says in Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem "As a father, the Good Family Man is not perfect, but he is good enough to be irreplaceable." Fathers, as all humans, are not perfect.... but no matter how many mistakes they make, they are irreplaceable. They are important.

I was challenged tonight to think about my dad and my relationship with him.... alot of thoughts came to me... some were good, and a few were bad..... but there was one thing that stood out very very strong in my head. For those of you that don't know, in 1985 my dad was in a horrible motorcyle accident in which his pelvis was shattered among many other things. To this day he has only half of a knee.... After the accident he was given only a 10% chance of living.... Through a miracle of God, he not only lived but can now walk completely independant... In fact, he just recently bowled a 300 game. That is certainly a testimony..... but, anyway, there was something that stood out in my mind.... I remember this little wooden rocking horse that as far as I know is still in my parents basement.... This horse was made by my dad while he was in the hospital..... Out of all the things he could have done, it was important to him to make something for me and my sisters.... as I thought about this tonight, tears came to my eyes.... One question that was asked of me tonight was if I could ask anything from my father and get it, what would it be.... my answer was quite simply "nothing" .... This is for 2 main reasons. First of all, I dont want to change ANYTHING in my past because that would risk me not being who I am today..... thats a risk I'm not willing to take.... but the other thing is that whatever action that would be really wouldnt be my dad.... and thats the thing.... the same way I know my dad loves me for who I am, I love him for who he is as well.

Alot of challenges were put on my mind tonight.... and I realize the greatest one of all is only strengthening one of my biggest goals in life.... to be the best father that I can be. I never asked to be the perfect father beacuse I am only a mortal man.... but I want to be the best that I can be.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

I have a confession to make.... I am a lesbian!

Lol... ok, thats a real long story.... it was a crazy night to say the least.... but it was awesome. After work I went to Josh and Elisa's because Becca made dinner for all of us.... She's such a sweetie and now I can plainly see a really good cook too! It was a really great time. We just hung out for a while.... then Becca gave us these Christmas ornaments to decorate with what we were thankful for and we ended up all just signing each other's because, well, we are all thankful for each other. My group of friends are really amazing. The party broke up earlier than I expected but it turned out to be a really good thing. Keith had some samples of the one medicine I am taking so I needed to pick those up so I called him and asked if I could swing by and pick them up.... he asked me if I was doing anything later and, of course, I wasnt so he said that we should go into DC.... So thats what we did. I have lived here for almost a year now and the last time I was in DC was in 7th grade. This was actually my frist time on the Metro as well.... not really any diffrent than the NYC or Boston subway systems I have been on. We really had a good time... didnt really do much at all.... just got some Starbucks and walked around DuPont Circle (which, btw, seems worse than the Magic Kingdom in a few ways - you can read between the lines). One the metro on the way back to Vienna, he asked about my current lease and said that he was thinking of having me move in as a room mate (in his apartment in Herndon).... This is a really awesome thing I think... I havent given him the official word yet, but I'm leaning towards doing it. It will cut my costs a good bit plus it is only 10 mins from the data center and is also alot close to the church office (which is quite a drive from Leesburg). It's also a much nicer place and is really alot closer to all of my friends. Sure I may lose a little bit of freedom.... honestly, I have gotten very used to having my own place.... I like being able to do things my way, whenever I want, but its not like I cant be back in a room mate situation. It worked very well in Florida for me. The nice thing is that Keith and I have known each other for a good couple of years. He's been a great friend and its really awesome that we can talk to each other about things going on. It's truly a great relationship so I know that it could work well.... not to mention I totally trust him.

Definately a great night and I do have a bit to think about..... but the good news is, church is tomorrow!!!!! Did I ever mention that I love New Life? :) So, that means it's well past the time to get to bed. Goodnight all!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Its amazing what you see in DC :) ..... Sure beats the blue hair I had a few years ago....

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Thanks, Microsoft. I'm glad you give us options to make us feel warm and fuzzy even tho we cant use them.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

I am so looking forward to going home tomorrow..... Goodnight.
I wanna go home. I wanna be with my friends.
Irritating... thats about all Wal-Mart is good for. Here is an email I just sent to their corporate offices. I'm sure it wont mean much but at least I will feel better.

To: Wal-Mart
From: Bob K Mertz
Subject: Wal-Mart Stores

Everytime I stop in at a Wal-Mart I am completely amazed at the horrible customer service that the company has anymore. Now, because of poor customer service I am put in a dangerous situation and I am very unhappy.

The situation is this. I currently live in Virginia but I am from Pennsylvania. The tires on my car are not fit to be driving in the snow but my direct deposit did not go into my bank account until today. Since I knew of the upcoming weather and I knew that Wal Mart Tire and Lube Express was open on Thanksgiving my plan was to go home for the holiday to PA and drop my car off today at the Wal Mart in Delmont, PA to get tires put on since I knew the weather was going to turn sour today and I would need better tires to travel home to VA. When I got there I was told that Wal-Mart would not put the 195/75 tires on my car because my car calls for 185 tires. The sitatuon, however, is that my car currently has 195/75 tires. As a result, I need to leave for Virginia tomorrow in possibly hazardous conditions without tires because Wal-Mart refused to install tires. Just to check, I called the Wal-Mart store in Greensburg, PA as well as Latrobe, PA and I was told that there is no issue with installing these tires as long as my car currently has them installed, which it does. Unfortunately, neither of these stores had the correct size in stock.

I just can not believe how badly Wal-Mart's customer service has become. I have been repeatedly upset with the customer service at the Sterling, VA and Leesburg, VA stores but I remembered customer service in the PA stores were much better.... at this time, I am realizing that customer service across the entire Wal-Mart chain is going down hill faster and faster. So far, contacting Wal-Mart's coporate offices have given me nothing but promises that still are not materializing.

I understand that this email is not going to make anything better for me and I know that it will not result in any attempt to satisfy me, but at least I can register my complaint and maybe someday Wal-Mart will become the chain that it once was.
She feels lost in her life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired for trying to do it right
Her dreams are just to far away to see how steps she's making
Might be taking her to who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be
And after all the tears I was supposed to be here

She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose if she moves away from who she was
And she's afraid of being free
There's a way she knows is right
She can't feel the things she knows
And so each step she's taking is a step of faith toward who she'll be


And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear and the light is farthest back
And through her tears she can't see the dawn is coming
Skies will clear and the light will find her where she's always been.


"Suddenly" by Superchick

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Something really has occured to me tonight about my life..... about fitting in. I, for some reason, was thinking back through my past and stuff.... and I realize that so many things in my life were me trying to fit in. I guess what prompted it tonight was the fact that I realized that I dont really fit in with my family any more. I mean, I'm here (which I am glad of), but alot of me really wishes I was back in VA right now. Why? It really caught me off guard but I think I figured it out... it's because I fit in there.

I look back at my life growing up.... alot of things really were me trying to fit in. My family was extremely into gymnastics... and I wasnt. Now, I am not saying they did anything wrong..... but sometimes I really did feel out of place.... when I had a bowling tournament on a Sunday and my whole family was going to a gym meet instead. (I really want to stress the fact that I am not upset about this and I dont hold anything against anyone - in fact, I really honestly am proud of my sisters and what they have accomplished in gymnastics)..... But then things started to really go in a different direction for me.... and I guess maybe it wasnt in a direction that anyone expected (especially not me). At this point, I started to feel out of place at my church.... I guess maybe I became a "small time church hopper" .... Again, I loved my church.... well, all the churches I went to.... but it wasnt me. I feel into just "going through the motions" .... Anytime I wanted to serve, I was questioned of whether I was "fit" to serve. As I was in the middle of preparing to go on a missions trip, I was called before the missions board and was questioned as to whether I was fit to do it. Truth is... no, I wasnt.... and I mean that in the same way that EVERY other person on that trip was not fit to go. But why me? Why was *I* called before the board? I didnt fit in.... Then things went on and I dropped out of high school. Was it wrong? I dont think so.... would I recommend it to anyone else? Probably not..... but I was treated like an outcast as a result of that. And I really have yet to find the part in the Bible where it says thou shall not drop out of school. Education is important.... but that doesnt mean that school is the only place for education..... As time went on I got pulled further and further away from what I should have been doing and slipped more and more into "just doing the motions" .... I turned 19.... we went on vacation.... few months later I move to FL.... Maybe I didnt 100% fit in down there but I didnt NOT fit in.... Moving to FL was a refreshing experience for me and God REALLY taught me a lot.... did I go seeking to fit in? Maybe.... end result is I moved back home and brought ALOT back with me. That was clearly what God wanted me to do.... I would not change it......

A little side thought..... Why did I always go back to Pizza Hut? I think it's because I really fit in there... and I felt important there. Pizza Hut is a huge part of me and I really miss those times.

But where am I now? I finally fit in with ALL of my surroundings.... I am part of an amazing church that is exactly the ideas that God had given me.... I have a group of friends that I finally fit in with... People that I am comfortable with.... People that I do not have to act differently to be a part of.

I've gone from having to try to get up for church every Sunday to not giving myself the option.... I love going to my church and I love being a part of it. I love the fact that they realize no one is perfect and that they still let people serve because thats what people need to do. Serving at New Life is the best thing that every happened to me. I know that even tho I am not perfect, I can still fit in.... and still be a 100% part of what God is doing. And mixed in with that is a system of friendships that I have never had. God has me right where I am at..... this is where I'm supposed to be. This is where I want to be! And Ive been in PA less than 24 hours and I already miss my friends in VA. I love them to death.

Please PLEASE PLEASE do not take this the wrong way. I love my family... I love my old church... I love my old friends. There are people in my life that will always be a huge part of my life. I couldnt have asked for a better friend growing up with than Matt.... I couldnt have asked for a better family. I love them all to death.... Every single one of them. This isnt a post to rat on what people did wrong in my life... its a post to show that I really know where I'm at now.... I may not know where I am going.... but I know where I'm at and its where I need to be.... I finally fit in.

This, I am thankful for!

God Bless everyone and their families this holiday season!

There is no place like home for the holidays :)

Time to kick off the holiday season.

Let's start with THIS VIDEO

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Ok so maybe one thing I am NOT thankful for is my bank. I'm a little confused as to how the register for my account on my bank's website does not show a negative balance until after they charge an NSF fee..... Additionally, I have never heard of a $60 nsf fee...... *sigh*
I just wanted to wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving. I'm glad it's here. By far my favorite holiday! I am leaving after work tonight and heading up to PA until Friday.

I just thought that I'd take a moment to list the things that I am really thankful for.

First of all, thanks to God, my Savior. The things He has been doing in my life are just phenomenal. There really is no thanks or praise enough for Him.

Secondly, I am thankful for my family, of course. Sometimes I have to make decisions that are not "normal" or "logical" but recently, I have not been attacked from those decisions. I am thankful for that. But really, I am just thankful to have such a loving family. Both immediate and extended family.

I am also EXTREMELY thankful for my new church home, New Life Christian Church. I am still extremely excited to be a part of such an amazing Church. It's a place that God is really doing some amazing things and it is absolutely great to be a part of it. The support I have had from them is phenomenal and I love that they are letting me serve as well. Without New Life, I would not be where I am today. Actually, I probably would have gave up on VA and been back in PA by now. But there is no doubt that God led me to the right church and that He wants me there.

A big thanks to my new friends, Kim, Carl, and Nate.. Cant say how great it is finally having good Christian friends that I can hang out with. It's an amazing feeling.

And of course, Becca. Who has really shown me a lot in the last few days. It's amazing the connection God has made and I am thankful that she was willing to listen to what God had to say and bring it to me. It's amazing the friendship that God is building and I am very thankful for that.

I'm thankful for Eli I'm so glad that God has allowed me to be in his life, even if it doesn't mean seeing him every week. I hope that I can make an impact on his life the way that he has made an impact on mine.

Believe it or not, I'm thankful for Carpathia : There may have been issues but I definitely see them trying. And above all, it is a job and it is paying (most of) the bills.

Of course, I'm thankful for every single person on this list as well. Your prayers and support has been amazing. Maybe its true that I need to rely on God to get me through things but its nice to have people praying for you and cheering you on. Makes things a little easier :

I want to just keep going on and on because there is honestly so much that I am thankful for but I think I have bored you enough. I really hope that each one of you takes a moment to thank God for what He has given you. Remember this holiday is all about giving thanks so make sure those around you know that you are thankful for them and for things they have done, etc.

Again, I wish everyone and their families a very Happy Thanksgiving. God Bless!

Self-Destruction is a Feature

This is, perhaps, one of the best points I've seen made in a while. Alot of it may be opinion based, but there is alot of reality to that opinion.
So I just got a call from Rackables..... Offer letter coming soon..... I just dont know..... We'll see what the job is.... but if it will hinder what I'm doing with New Life, I have to say no.... I have no other option.

I'll definately take a look and see tho.... Please keep me in your prayers! This may be a tough decission for me to make.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Its about freaking time!

Dell & AMD Deal

If/when this completes, I will finally have one vendor that I can recommend to most people. I think Dell is probably the best name-brand manufacturer and if they add the best core processors, then there is alot less reason for me not to recommend Dell.

GO AMD! :)
Tonight I had something said to me and as I lay here in bed it still rings in my mind. I was told that no matter what she wants me to be happy... And she really meant it. She may never know the impact made on me by her following God's direction.

Please tell me its just by chance that someone from Pittsburgh, someone from Missouri, someone from Vermont, and even someone from Brazil end up in the same area and impact each other's lives constantly.... Not only is it us 4 but its also this team known as New Life.

So... Kim, Nathan, and Becca: THANK YOU! I pray that I somehow impact your lives like you have already impacted mine..... And Mike, DC, Rick, Emily, Tim, Brett, and the entire New Life Staff: Thanks for your support and your trust in letting me serve in a great way ....

.... The thing that amazes me is that this is just the beginning.
"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something I can do."
-- Edward Everett Hale

Sunday, November 20, 2005

It sure is hot out here
Ya know?
I don't mind, though.
Just glad to be free.
Know what I'm saying, uh!)

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
(Whatcha wanna do?)
I just wanna praise you
(Yeah, yeah)
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
(Uh feel me?)
And I'm gonna praise you
(Whatcha gonna do?)
I'm gonna praise you

In the corners of my mind
I just can't seem to find a reason to believe
That I can break free
Cause you see I have been bound for so long
Felt like all hope is gone
But as I lift my hands, I understand
That I should praise you through my circumstance

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

Everything that could go wrong
All went wrong at one time
So much pressure fell on me
I thought I was gonna lose my mind
But I know you wanna see
If I will hold on through these trials
But I need you to lift this load
Cause I can't take it no more

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

Been through the fire and the rain
Bound in every kind of way
But God has broken every chain
So let me go right now

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you
(repeat x3)

Take them off
What'cha gonna do, yeah

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

"Shackles" by Mary Mary

There is really a lot going on in my mind right now.... More than I can
even sort out. I've literally been having little parts of my life flash
back and I think about things that I'm even shocked I remember....

I don't have a clue what is going on with my life right now. I know
ultimately I'm in northern virginia because God wants me to be part of
New Life. But what about Carpathia? Was Carpathia just what God used
to get me here? Was I supposed to be here sooner? I was supposed to
move down here in May but that fell through and thankfully, I know that
wasn't because of me. Maybe someone else didn't take the leap God
wanted them to? I don't know..... But with Carpathia .... What's the
deal? Does God want me there for a while longer or is it just
temporary? Is God leading me into full time ministry? If so, when?
And there is some relation to what I'm going through at Carpathia and
what God is trying to teach me.... But what? I haven't made the
connection yet. Maybe that's why I'm still at Carpathia? Until I
figure it out and learn that lesson?

I've been taking huge leaps of faith recently and I'm sure I'm not done
yet.... But my God will take care of me.

So much going on..... So many thoughts.... But all for God!! (Language Warning)

Gotta love the irony that I'm posting that link :)
WPER is playing a Christmas song right now :)

Friday, November 18, 2005

Only the finest shopping experiences at Sterling Wal-Mart...... Of course what I need is in that aisle..... Oh, didn't catch that? Yes, that is an aisle and there are at least 5 others exactly like it.

Great wh00ps in history:,1895,1889081,00.asp

Its about time the music industry has to fix a mistake, now can they keep with this trend -- I doubt it

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Please pray for me.... I am really under attack and I dont know if I can stand much longer. I am hurting really bad and I just need.... I dont know what I need.... I need freedom.... and I need Love.......
So last night the lonliness smacks me in the face.... today the email comes out about Carpathia's Christmas party and it says wives and significant others are welcome and encouraged.....

..... of course :(

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

So going to the mall tonight was a bad idea I guess. Thanksgiving is fast approaching and even tho it is my favorite holiday it does mean that its the start of the official holiday season. Now don't get me wrong.... I absolutely love that time of year..... But there is one thing that gets me some years and there is absolutely no indication that that won't be an issue this year.... And going to the mall for dinner tonight kicked off the reality of this after seeing the Christmas decorations go up and the couples walking around. Lonliness is creeping in again..... So much joy in the holiday season but for me it leaves me feeling lonely. Its a time that coules do a lot together..... And the lack of anyone to love me kills me.... The of course New Years Eve will come along.... 2006 arrives and couples everywhere kiss because that's just what you do... And me? Maybe ill get to kiss my noisemaker? I'm sure ill make it through like I have done the other years but its not exactly something I want to experience again. Then add to it someone's absolute love for Christmas and you not only have the lonliness but you have a flood of memories in my head...... *sigh*

All I want for Christmas is....... Love
World: We want to control the internet.
USA: No.
World: Come on!
USA: No.
World: Will you at least think about it?
USA: No.
World: If you don't we will be forced to make our own DNS systems.
World: But that will break the internet.
World: But that would be bad.
USA: Then leave it alone.
World: OK. But we're making a committee.
USA: That's cute.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The next time someone talks to God, could you please ask Him what He is doing with me? He won't tell me for some reason.... Lol

As were... Well..... I guess every day of my last few weeks..... I could not have seen the events of today coming..... Let's just say Carpathia is back.... Heh.... Keep me in your prayers.
Sure.... why not? :)

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...erotic
Your hugs die for
Your eyes...twinkle in the moonlight
Your touch is...heart warming
Your smell is...beautiful
Your smile is...hypnotising
Your love is...eternal
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Monday, November 14, 2005

First of all…. I’ve determined that I could never move to Northern VA…. Erm… wait a minuet!? Of course I’m joking since I’ve been here for almost a year and have no plans on leaving…. But man, the traffic…. I was at my church doing some work today and I left the office right around 5pm…. Ouch! Bob, meet Route 50 rush hour…. And Route 28 rush hout…. And while we’re at it, how about Route 7 rush hour? J

Anyway…. The excitement of the day. Where am I gonna be working next week? Well… the answer will come as a shock to you: Carpathia Hosting…..

This morning was my interview with Equinix. The job is mine if I want it. Here’s the thing tho…. I was banking on working nights because that’s all they ever have open it seems…. When I got there, the position I was offered was a day time position. There are actually 2 big issues with that. First of all, Equinix has 12 hour shifts on a long week / short week rotation. Long story short, working day shifts would mean working day on Sundays every other weekend which means I can not go to church every other weekend. The other big issue is that night shifts come with a 15% differential payment. What does this mean? Well, basically it means that the pay I would get at Equinix is equal to that which Carpathia offered me to stay. But there were problems with Carpathia, you say? Yes, there were…. And would Equinix be better on that end of things? The answer is probably yes…. But there is a lot more to this story than just that.

Yesterday at church I was talking with someone who had a pretty good lead for me. Early last week that didn’t seem as promising because of my lack of education. Before I hear the “I told you so” from some of you, understand that many (probably most) tech companies aren’t too focused on education but on experience, however, some positions this is a requirement. Regardless, after talking to this person yesterday, I came to realize that there still is a pretty good chance…. The problem is that it would take at least 3 weeks to get an answer because of the process involved. The position is related to government so of course there is more red-tape than many positions. So, that was on my mind all night last night…. What do I do? I don’t want to start at Equinix, work for a few weeks so that they train me just in time for me to leave. That’s not fair to anyone. I wasn’t really sure.

But that’s not the only thing that has been on my mind. Seeing how Carpathia has acted in the last couple of weeks, I kind of felt like I was leaving them without giving them a chance. And, yes, I know… I’ve tried before and it didn’t happen….. but there is a big difference. First of all…. The majority of my attempts were while the CEO was overseas. Understand that our CEO is a really great person…. Most of the issues I had came from our CTO and COO…. Not that they are necessarily bad people, but things just didn’t seem to go as smooth under them…. And that is not to point the finger at anyone. This time when attempts were made to keep me, I saw that action was actually taken. Maybe since my friend left the company before I joined for the same reasons that I am (was) leaving now, they opened their eyes? Regardless, when I brought up issues before, it wasn’t just an outright no but it was an attack on me in some ways (whether that be intentional or not). So in this scenario, I felt bad about leaving without giving them a chance…. The thing was, I really didn’t have much of an option so I went the direction that I needed to go.

So today, was this an answer to prayers? Actually, I believe it was. In one simple meeting a lot of things that were on my mind were instantly resolved. At this point, there seemed to be only one logical thing to do…. Would Carpathia accept? I was hoping so. I talked to a friend about it and then called my mom and talked to her about it…. And went to Carpthia’s CEO to sit down and talk. I told him the entire situation…. I was up front and honest (honesty is still one of the most important things to me) about everything going on. I told him that I really wanted to give Carpathia a chance even a week ago but I just didn’t have the option to. I told him that I have another very good lead that I still want to pursue…. But I told him that I wanted to accept the offer they made to keep me as long as the understanding was there that this is a trial scenario and that I am still looking at the possibility of another job. I did tell him, however, that he shouldn’t be worried about me just coming in one day and saying I’m done and its over. I told him that I would give at least two weeks notice should I find anything out. His response was that he saw how much effort I put into resolving issues and how well I handled the whole situation of me leaving and he said that he has no fear that I would ever screw them over. After this meeting, I met with my direct boss (the CTO) and told him what was going on. He was just as excited as Rick….. shortly after that, the COO came to me and said how happy he was to hear about the news. One final thought is that even if Carpathia doesn’t improve and the other job lead I have does not materialize, there is one other really big fact. That is that January is upon us. This is a time when a lot of companies begin hiring new people (with the exception of retailers of course). So in a worst case scenario, I stick it out for a couple of months and who knows what opportunities will arise in Januray. The only thing I am really sure about is that God is in control of this entire situation.

It’s amazing how things happen some time when you take a step of faith. Putting my two weeks notice in without having another job was scary and I fought with it for a long while…. But I knew it was God tugging at my heart. Eventually I did it… and there probably was a big part of me that had ideas of what God may be doing…. I justified it by the fact that maybe Equinix was afraid to hire me because they would be hiring an employee away from one of their customers….. and in reality, I think that was what changed their interest in hiring me….. as soon as I put my two weeks in, Equinix began looking at me again. So was I right? Partially….. but the thing is that we don’t know what God is doing in our lives…. And I am learning more and more about what James meant when he said that our lives are only vapors. James is by far my favorite book of the Bible…. And the more my life goes on I realize it’s because it is the one book that applies directly to my life from the first word to the last. Of course the entire Bible applies to everyone, but James is directed at me. From the tirals that I face that make me stronger and that I need to count as joy to the uncertainty of life…. These are things that everyone experiences but they are things that are VERY real in my life…. And all these things do is increase my faith. While I was talking to my friend today I really took a look at myself and I realized something….. God has changed me in phenomenal ways. The way I think now is completely different than the way I thought 3 or even 2 years ago…. I realized something very important today…. And it’s ironic that one of my favorite things to do is ride roller coasters….. but if any of you knew me back when I was younger, I was scared to death of roller coasters…. But at one point, I was forced to get on one…. And the result was I loved it! I progressed to bigger and better coasters and I found more and more thrill in the fear of getting on those rides. I remember loving coasters but being afraid of the Steel Phantom…. But eventually I got on it. Where am I now? You cant throw a coaster at me that is too big…. Top Thrill Dragster at 400 feet tall? No problem. How does this relate? Well, I think today I hit that point…. I’m no longer afraid of what is coming but I am excited to see what it is. And someday soon, you may not be able to throw a bad situation at me that I wont ride out the storm on and actually enjoy the ride. God truly is changing me…. And note that I used that word in the present tense. He will always be changing me because I am not a perfect person and I never will be. There will always be room for Him to work on something in me and I pray that I will remain in a state that He can change me…. Again and again. If I leave this earth with even touching one person, then my life is worthwhile….

Tonight as I was driving home from the church office, I was listening to a CD that I made…. And on that CD I put John Reuben’s song “All I have” … that song has been one that I have been listening to over and over again…. But today, it hit me so hard that not only did I get a huge smile on my face but I also had tears in my eyes. Truly… all that I have IS what God has given me. I am alright and I am ok… and, now, I can honestly say that “I kinda like doing things this way” …. I’ll leave you with the lyrics from that song. Until next time, God Bless!

Are you disappointed?
Is this world a let down?
With your head in the clouds
It’s time to get down
Head on collision, crushed by dreams
So we leave our hearts at the accident scene
Shattered, pieces scattered
Who told us it was okay to allow our thoughts to be flattered?
And entertained with ideas that can’t sustain
A future once so confidently proclaimed
So where do you go from here when it all disappears?
Apathy dries your tears until you don’t care
Or you live and die, occupied with disclaimers
And reasons as to why
Realize, life isn’t lived in fantasies
No matter how much planning or strategy
Joy comes along with tragedy
I own them all gladly

I’m alright, I’m okay
I kinda like doing things this way
All I have is what God gives
And that’s all the life that I was meant to live
I’m alright, I’m okay
I kinda like doing things this way
All I have is what God gives
And that’s all the life that I was meant to live

We’re not taught trial and error
We’re not taught, nor are we prepared
So we fail against everyday opponents
All the while we’re still living for glorious moments
And the media feeds the youth a false reality
Of what it takes to make yourself happy
It says they got about a one in a billion shot
Why try and make them think it’s something that it’s not
This ain’t a movie this is real life
The spotlight don’t shine quite as bright as some would like
But that’s alright cuz the starlight at night
Is more of a highlight than the highlife
The air I consume from the breath of creation
Renews my soul everyday I awaken
Ah man, tell me who knew
That simply being content was the dream come true

I’m alright, I’m okay
I kinda like doing things this way
All I have is what God gives
And that’s all the life that I was meant to live
I’m alright, I’m okay
I kinda like doing things this way
All I have is what God gives
And that’s all the life that I was meant to live
Of course I'd get paged when I'm trying to sleep for the interview... heh. Man I'm I tired.... I'll be back in bed in a few, thank God.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Ok... This irony is killing me. If you look at the Bible Code
(searching the old testament using ELS) you first develope the matrix of
the code. This is basically vertical rows of letters much like a
crossword puzzle. Quite honestly, this is a little over my head (at
least for now) but the thing that gets me is thinking about a hit
movie.... Known as "The Matrix" ... The irony that gets me is that the
movie is completely based on the story line of the Bible (this is by the
writers' admission as well as concrete fact). Not only the story line
but the entire movie has people reading Kthe matrixK which is streaming
words that also resemble crossword puzzles. What does this mean?
Probably nothing :) but you have to admit that its weird of the
inverse nature between the two.... And its something to think about....
What's the source of the Bible code? Not really sure, but it is
certainly intriguing.

Its been 14.5 hours at work........ Finally I get to go home. So much
for getting some relaxing in. *sigh*

Saturday, November 12, 2005

And I am STILL at work..... its been about 12 hours now... This is sooo
one of those nights where I wish I had someone to cuddle up with.... I
dont have any time to hang out with my friends now..... and tomorrow after
church wont work either because I have a meeting about the church's
website so I wont see my friends then either....

It sucks feeling as lonely as I do..... It sucks not having a life.

[11/12@14:57] [PH]Vio: 6835791872
[11/12@14:57] [PH]Vio: got the size ..
[11/12@14:57] [PH]Vio: bot something still sucks :)
[11/12@14:57] DC1900: heh
[11/12@14:57] [PH]Vio: or not ? :)
[11/12@14:58] [PH]Vio: 6T doesn't sound good does it ?
[11/12@14:58] DC1900: LOL
[11/12@14:58] DC1900: no
[11/12@14:58] [PH]Vio: ok, then i'm confused :D
[11/12@14:58] DC1900: however... if you found a way to get 6TB out of a
3TB array, I think your in the wrong company :)
[11/12@14:58] [PH]Vio: :P
[11/12@15:05] [PH]Vio: SCSI device sda: 6835791872 512-byte hdwr sectors
(3499925 MB)
[11/12@15:05] [PH]Vio: oh i'm stupid
[11/12@15:05] [PH]Vio: it is 3.2 indeed :)
[11/12@15:05] [PH]Vio: the 512 thing got me confused
[11/12@15:05] DC1900: haha
[11/12@15:05] [PH]Vio: but i'm still stuck at 605G lol
[11/12@15:06] DC1900: I hate that damn 512 thing..... who invented that?
[11/12@15:07] [PH]Vio: that's from the times when the bigest hdd was 512bytes
[11/12@15:07] [PH]Vio: then came 2x hdds
[11/12@15:07] DC1900: lol
[11/12@15:07] [PH]Vio: and 4x
[11/12@15:07] DC1900: LMAO
[11/12@15:07] [PH]Vio: and 6666666x

Well, as I said earlier, I didn’t meet with Equinix today because of a lot of reasons but I was basically told that all of this is just formalities anyway. They emailed me the applications and I filled them out and brought them in to work with me today. I will be meeting at 9am on Monday for the face to face meeting…. But as it was said before by the manager “We all know you Bob. We just have to do the formalities”. With all that’s been going on, its starting to really look like Equinix is where I will be going.

The closer it gets tho, the more sad I become. I am really going to miss working at Carpathia … especially working with our Romanian team. You cant imagine how much fun they are to work with. I may never have met them in person but I interact with them on a daily basis and they are all great people. Hopefully once I get my finances under control, I will be able to take a vacation to Romania and visit with them. I know that most of us will keep in touch but its not the same as being in the company channel during your whole shift and constantly talking to them and laughing about issues going on. They truly made my job fun! As for the on-site people, I have no hard feelings against any of them…. And I think they are all great people and to be honest, I think that they have really began to realize that many things need to change at Carpathia and it really looks like they are working towards those changes. It will be nice working for Equinix because I will still see them all since Carpathia is a customer of Equinix. It seems Carpathia has a bright future and in many ways I wish that I could stick around and see them through it, but it seems that there are other directions that I need to take. God will guide me through each one of those. One nice thing was I was told that they don’t want to see me without a job so they said that if I do not get settled in at a job before my notice expires, I can work as long as I want to keep a steady pay check coming. They all have really impressed me with the way they handled this situation. It’s hard to believe that in a week, I will no longer be an employee of Carpathia. I really hope that I have left a positive impact on the company and that they continue to grow and improve the way things are done.

On a side note, unless I said this already, I did hear from Telos and they decided to hire someone internally. No issues there…. That wasn’t the door for me to take. Rackables still hasn’t called. I don’t know if that is even the job for me…. I have been volunteering with my church and I have noticed that the days I go to my church’s office, I feel better all day. No doubt God is leading me to some type of ministry…. I don’t know exactly where that is but as for now, I need to follow my life this way (working full time and volunteering on the side) until He tells me it’s time (if it ever will be) for full-time ministry. There are a lot of personal issues that I am dealing with right now that I’m sure God wants me to take care of before that is the case….. but I am so happy that God is still using me while I battle those issues. No matter how unrational decisions I need to make may seem, I know they are the ones that I have to take. Putting my notice in at Carpathia was a very big leap of faith, and it seems it is turning out well for me. I’ve been told about the Rackables thing and how some people felt that that job may be the one…. But I know that many of them think that because of the possibility of making $70k-$80k at it…. The time would be very consuming and I fear that it would interfere with what I am doing at New Life… and that just can’t happen. I was told that God opened the door so He would provide but I’m not necessarily sure that is the case. God has opened many doors in the last month…. Some closed for me and some I closed. In James 1 we see that we go through a lot of trials for our own edification…. God does test us…. And at the end of that test we are given more. Just because a door seems to be opening for $80k does not mean that I should take it. It only means that God wants to see where my heart really is at. Is it in the money or in serving Him? If I took that job, God may not condem me for it, but it would make things a lot rougher on me because that would mean the same scenario would happen again. God doesn’t let us fail… He lets us retake the test time and time again until we pass…. I prefer to pass on the first shot to avoid the hassels. I simply can not walk through a door because God opened it….. I’m not saying that Rackables could call me in the next hour and the job seems perfect and seems that I could work with the church and I would turn it down. Anything is possible…. But I simply can not let money be my guide. That is a struggle for me because I am coming out of financial struggles as well as all of those around me and it seems that many people I talk to have money as their motive….. It’s a hard thing to comprehend and I’m far from mastering it – but I know that I *MUST* follow God’s lead and not just pick my favorite door that He opened. My goal in life is not to make $100k and be this really wealthy guy. My goals in life are quite simple: First, I want to follow God and serve Him – Second, I want to be the best husband to whatever special girl God gives me and be the best father I can be to our children. Those will make me happy…. I am a servant and I want to remain one. I take great joy when I can sacrifice something to help someone else and I pray that I can continue to do that.

This is truly an amazing time for me and I know that I am on the edge of being used by God in a great way…. I’m starting to feel that strong and stronger and to be quite honest, I’m feeling the attacks too. We all know that when God starts an amazing work, satan doesn’t like it and throws everything he has at us. I have been feeling those attacks very heavily recently. Today I was very discouraged and just wanted to give up on everything. I felt like I could not take any more…. But God is good and He brought me through it. I’ve been here before but I don’t think I’ve had as big of a chance of success as I do this time. I have some amazing people supporting me. I attend what I believe is the greatest church on the face of the earth. It’s me… its what I have been looking for and most importantly, I know it is where God wants me! I have always struggled with loneliness and many times I fear losing those who actually are close to me. In the last few nights I have had very real nightmares about some of my friends leaving me because of struggles that I have had and do have. But God has not given me a spirit of fear…. If those friends leave my life, it’s because God let it happen that way. Being able to interact with people is a very important thing for me and now that I actually have people I interact with that go to the same church, it is incredible. It’s the fellowship that I have needed for a very long time that I never did find. I pray that those friends stick by me through all that I am going through. I also pray that God would maybe bring back some of my old friends that meant so much to me. Its hard losing people that mean so much to you. Sometimes I think it’s harder than someone dying. If you lose a friend to death, you know that friend was your friend and loved you with all you had…. But when you lose touch with a friend and that person seems to not care anymore, its very hard because you cant believe that they ever did love you. I realize that I am as guilt of this as others….. and its something I need to work on and I will….. there are a lot of things I need to work on…. Someday, however, I will have my dreams come true…. I will have a beautiful family and I will be serving God in great ways…. I can pray that its next week, but I know the reality is that I need to wait for God’s timing.

Friday, November 11, 2005

<a href="">Sony-BMG's Rootkit</a>
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!  When will someone draw the line and say the music industry has gone entirely too far?
All My Life I Had a Longing
Ralph Hudson

1 All my life I had a longing, For a drink from some clear spring, That I hoped would quench the burning, Of the thirst I felt within.

2 Feeding on the husks around me, Till my strength was almost gone, Longed my soul for something better, Only still to hunger on.

3 Poor I was, and sought for riches, Something that would satisfy, But the dust I gathered round me, Only mocked my souls sad cry.

4 Well of water, ever springing, Bread of life so rich and free, Untold wealth that never faileth, My redeemer is to me.

Chorus Hallelujah!

I have found Him my soul so long has craved! Jesus satisfies my longings, Thro His blood I now am saved.
I'm feeling really discouraged today.... Equinix is still looking good... We are actually going to meet on Monday....

As for being discouraged, I dunno.... I'm feeling really kinda worthless.... I know God will use me and has.... But I'm just..... I don't know..... Something isn't right.....
How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the sand on the shore
But every time you've taken me back
And now I ask you do it once more

Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength to give it away to you
Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength to give it away to you Jesus

How many times have I turned away?
The number is the same as the stars in the sky
And every time you've taken me back
And now I pray you'll do it tonight

"Take My Life" by Third Day

What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Flirting Skill Level - 90%
Kissing Skill Level - 100%
Cudding Skill Level - 79%
Sex Skill Level - 88%
Why They Love You You keep going and going and going...
Why They Hate You You're too good to be true.
This cool quiz by lady_wintermoon - Taken 4194565 Times.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Well I met with Scotty today. I was actually pretty impressed with the way things were handled.... They also offered me a decent salary but at this point, Equinix will be the same salary but will pay me differential for the night shift plus its hourly and there is overtime built in to the schedule. I will also have better benefits with them. I really am going to miss working for Carpathia but I think its time I moved on.... Sure I'm still considering staying but I think I'm gonna move on.

I'm still waiting to hear something from Rackables..... And I did hear from Telos and they hired someone internally but they said they definately want to keep my resume on file because my interview went really well. I think the Dell thing is gone but who knows.... I never heard one way or another for sure.

Things are going to be very interesting in the next couple of weeks.... I know ill be taken care of.... God is in control.
Are you disappointed?
Is this world a let down?
With your head in the clouds
It’s time to get down
Head on collision, crushed by dreams
So we leave our hearts at the accident scene
Shattered, pieces scattered
Who told us it was okay to allow our thoughts to be flattered?
And entertained with ideas that can’t sustain
A future once so confidently proclaimed
So where do you go from here when it all disappears?
Apathy dries your tears until you don’t care
Or you live and die, occupied with disclaimers
And reasons as to why
Realize, life isn’t lived in fantasies
No matter how much planning or strategy
Joy comes along with tragedy
I own them all gladly

I’m alright, I’m okay
I kinda like doing things this way
All I have is what God gives
And that’s all the life that I was meant to live
I’m alright, I’m okay
I kinda like doing things this way
All I have is what God gives
And that’s all the life that I was meant to live

We’re not taught trial and error
We’re not taught, nor are we prepared
So we fail against everyday opponents
All the while we’re still living for glorious moments
And the media feeds the youth a false reality
Of what it takes to make yourself happy
It says they got about a one in a billion shot
Why try and make them think it’s something that it’s not
This ain’t a movie this is real life
The spotlight don’t shine quite as bright as some would like
But that’s alright cuz the starlight at night
Is more of a highlight than the highlife
The air I consume from the breath of creation
Renews my soul everyday I awaken
Ah man, tell me who knew
That simply being content was the dream come true

I’m alright, I’m okay
I kinda like doing things this way
All I have is what God gives
And that’s all the life that I was meant to live
I’m alright, I’m okay
I kinda like doing things this way
All I have is what God gives
And that’s all the life that I was meant to live

"All I Have" by John Reuben

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Well my interview went well and I guess my test at the hospital went well too. Don't really know tho.... I remember them taking my bed back and starting to hook up oxygen and monitors and they were all calling out numbers.... Then I heard "we're gonna start the IV" .... Next thing I remember I woke up in recovery. So the result is that I have a hiatal hernia which means my stomach is partially in my chest so the valves aren't working right. I have medicine to take and then ill need another test done.... If it isn't better, ill probably need surgery.
God is going to do some amazing things soon. Real amazing stuff.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Lots has been going on here.... God is doing something.... I'm not sure
what but it's amazing whatever it is. As each day goes by, I am more and
more sure that I made the right decission.

Whats interesting today? Well, I got an email that AGAIN Carpathia wants
to sit down and talk with me to see if there is something we can work out.
Whether this goes anywhere or not, I really can't say. I'll talk and
listen but I am worried that even tho the situation may change, it
probably wont be enough... plus the financial aspect of it... I know if I
stay at Carpathia, I will get more money from them, however, the other 2
promising options on the table are more than likely alot more money that
Carpathia will want to pay. I'm leaving work soon and heading back to my
apartment. I'm still deciding whether I'm going to drive to PA tonight or
whether I will wait until tomorrow.... I'm leaning towards tonight but
who knows....

I sent out an email to some of my friends earlier and I got this response
from one of them which I just loved and I had to post it:

And so the soap opera continues. The interesting thing is that your soap
opera is on 7 days a week<g>......

I hope everyone has a great weekend. God Bless!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

I'm still alive..... Trying to live one day at a time...... My joy will come..... God is with me and I will be free soon.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I had another talk with our CEO today. It was a really great talk and we agreed that I had tried everything to resolve issues and at this point, its best for me to move on. I am confident that Carpathia will not be completely out of my life so that will be good (meaning I will still talk to my coworkers). Rick gave me his full support in finding a job. He promised that if he had any say in the situation, I would get any job that I used him as a reference. He has given me full support in moving on and I have to say that it is a great feeling. I know that I made the right decission. Now its the task of finding a new job. God will provide!
Finding safety is not in the absence of danger but in the presence of God.
Well, I did put my 2 weeks in…. things are still rough as ever for the way they treat me…. I ended up having a very long talk with our CEO (who actually is a great guy) and he told me that he feels that Carpathia is definitely losing a great asset. He told me he always saw that my heart was in the right place and I really put forth more effort than most. He went on to say that he wasn’t blind and he saw the way I was being treated and it frustrated him, especially since he has tried to get those above me to treat me a little better and every time he did, it got worse for me. He actually looked at things in a very great way. He told me that he doesn’t want to lose me but that he is glad I am going because he realizes how much my personal life has been affected and he doesn’t want to see a great person have the issues that I have been having.

So I guess in the end, I now know 100% that I made the right decision. I now know that it is not a feeling I had but it is a fact that I was being treated unfairly. I don’t have a clue where I go from here. As of right now, in 2 weeks I don’t have a job…. But that’s for God to figure out. God has something more for me…. Even tho I may be scared right now, I know that He is going to work something out.

I’m still worried about people attacking me for being “irresponsible” but the amazing thing is that I have already had a positive response from many people…. So maybe everyone sees that this was a needed action on my part? But, on the other hand, I know that God has designed me for more and in that I may be required to do things that don’t seem normal so when those attack me that don’t understand the situation, I need to take that with a grain of salt.

Thanks for everyone’s prayers and support. This is a very trying time for me but it is only a time that God will use to make me stronger. I am in Virginia for a reason and I realize that that reason is not Carpathia -- however, I do wish Carpathia the best. God has a great reason for me being here. I am part of an amazing church that God is doing great things with and I am surrounded by people just like me (I even have a friend who went through the exact same scenario with her job the same exact day I did).

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I had a good long talk with the CEO just a little bit ago.... It was a good conversation and I think alot of good came out of it.... I dont think that I'll be remaining with Carpathia if thats what any of you are thinking but I'm pretty confident that I have a very good reference for another job..... as long as it's the CEO and not others in the company. My prayer is that the issues that occured with me will help everyone at Carpathia handle the next employee well and that that person will be much better off than I ever was. It's all about growing.... I hope Carpathia does well... I really do... there is alot of potential there.... but this was the time that I had to draw the line and say enough is enough.... things just cant go on like they have....
Scared? Yes
Appriciated? More apparently no then ever
Taken care of by God? Definately
Missed by Carpathia? Not a chance.

We had our meeting. I am actually really excited about where Carpathia is going but unfortunately, the enviornment they have created and continue to create are not for me... God commanded masters to be fair to their slaves but yet alot of big businesses dont follow this. It's not my position to judge them.... I do wish them the best.... As for accountability, I will leave that in the Hands of God. November 18th will be my last day with Carpathia. Where will I be working after that? I dont have the foggiest idea. I have no choice but to put 100% of my faith and trust in God.... maybe thats why this had to happen?

Please keep me in your prayers.... I am scared.
11/01 [13:59] bblboy54: well, I did it
11/01 [13:59] robert: free?
11/01 [13:59] bblboy54: I just emailed my 2 weeks notice
11/01 [13:59] robert: you sat down on the bus like Rosa parks
11/01 [14:00] bblboy54: yea, I guess
11/01 [14:00] robert: it sounded like you were out of options and had given things a chance
11/01 [14:00] bblboy54: I tried my best.... just nothing else I could have done. The more I tried to resolve issues, the more they pushed back
11/01 [14:00] robert: and i totally sympathize
11/01 [14:01] bblboy54: Where do I go from here? I dont know.... but God will take care of that
11/01 [14:01] bblboy54: I'm scared.... my chest hurts.... but its what I needed to do
11/01 [14:01] robert: yup
From: Bob K Mertz []
Sent: Tuesday, November 01, 2005 1:54 PM
To: Rick; Scott; 'S. Scott Blust'
Cc: 'Bob K Mertz'
Subject: 2 Weeks Notice

Please accept this email as my notice that I will end my employment with Carpathia in just over 2 weeks. My last day will be November 18th, 2005. I will continue to give all of the effort that I have until the end of my shift on the 18th. I will provide a written and signed document when I arrive today.

Thanks for your understanding.

Bob K Mertz
Systems Administrator
Carpathia Hosting, Inc.
21711 Filigree Court, Suite A
Ashburn, VA 20147
General: (703) 740-1730
Direct: (703) 621-3965
Fax: (703) 997-5577
Well.... if all stays on course, I will be giving my 2 weeks notice within 24 hours.... Not sure where I go after those two weeks but I think its time to take this step of faith. I sent an email out to many people explaining a lot more in depth of what is going on so if you didnt get that email, please let me know.

Above all, PLEASE keep me in your prayers.... this is a rough time.
“If people do not welcome you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave their town, as a testimony against them.” Luke 9:5 (Also referenced in Matthew 10:14 and Mark 6:11).

There has been an awful lot going on in my life recently, and because of the drastic decision that it seems I am about to make, I guess I should fill everyone in a little bit more on how much all of this has been really affecting me.

Truth be told, for the last 3-4 weeks, I have been having panic attacks again. I have again started having to carry my Xanax around with me (something that I have not needed for almost a year). Most of you know the drama that was in my life over a year ago with hospitals, etc….. and many people constantly attacked me that all that was going on was only my way of getting attention. I guess in many ways, I see why it appeared that way – especially since no one seemed to be able to put a solid diagnosis on me. In December, that changed when I was diagnosed with ADHD. Things smoothed out and I was being treated properly… everything was in order…. Suicidal thoughts had disappeared, I was functioning very well in everything that I did…. We finally found the problem and fixed it. As a result of the attacks that I had on a personal nature, I have been afraid to really let people see anything that might be going wrong with me…. In the last month or so, this has even included my doctor because I wanted to avoid any treatment that would become visible and open me up for personal attacks again. As a result, I let people in on the fact that there were problems, but I hid how much they were really affecting me. Sunday, this changed … and not by my will.

Let me take a break from that and say this now. The things that I have been facing are becoming an absolute testimony to the fact that I am being treated properly and that God has provided the needed information to keep me stable in times of trouble. Even tho I am physiologically being affected by the things that are going on, there are things that have drastically changed from the last time I hit a situation this stressful… in fact, I don’t think I have been in something this stressful before. The primary thing is that I am in no way having suicidal thoughts…. And this is something to praise God about! In fact, I keep looking to the future when God frees me from all of this and I look at how I am becoming a stronger person because of the trials I am facing.

Back to Sunday. After church I had to go to the data center…. On my way there I saw a very disturbing email that was copied to our entire local company. The email at face value was a follow up to a customer…. However, this was on an issue that I had already responded to and that had a response time of about 20 mins which is actually a really good response time for off-peak hours. The email painted the picture that I am not capable of doing my job. I took care of the things needed at the data center and met back with my friends from church and went to lunch. The inevitable happened and I had a panic attack that as much as I tried to hide, became evident. This launched a much needed conversation.

God has always said that He will provide our needs (Luke 12:22-25). When God does anything, it seems to always be brought on by faith… It is one of the most important things in our lives when walking with Christ. God also said that faith without actions is practically worthless. You can say how you believe something but in your heart, you really don’t. The same way it can be said that you love someone yet you don’t show the love that you need…. And in the same way, you can be told you are a valuable employee but if you aren’t compensated for that, it can’t be believed that you are (James 2:17). Sometimes the step of faith is easy…. Sometimes it is very drastic. But no matter the strength and wisdom needed (which God will provide – James 1:5).

When you have a job, you need to be loyal to that company and serve it as if you were serving God. This is a requirement of His (Colossians 3:17). This has truly been my goal in every job that I have had… and it increases as I go on in my life. Sure, I make mistakes…. But it’s a matter of where your heart is. There are, however, a lot of other things that must be taken into consideration. Philippians 3:7 tells us to think of the things that are good…. Something that is hard to do when you are constantly surrounded by the bad. I have been doing my best to think positively about everything thrown at me, but I am now suffering because the bad in my life is increasing and much of this comes from Carpathia. Why Carpathia…. Because it honestly is sucking every ounce of life that I have. There is no time for me to rest. I am relied on way too heavily, especially considering that my salary does not meet my needs. I sometimes work an extra 10-30 hours a week if you include all of the stuff I do from home. And as for a day off, even tho they are built in to my schedule, they never really are days off. This leads to another scriptural commandment: resting. God showed us this example in Genesis 2:2-3 and then commanded us in Deuteronomy 5:12. There is some speculation on this commandment but the one thing that is agreed on is that everyone must take a day of rest. Granted, it is right to do good on the Sabbath such as rescuing the little sheep on Sunday (Luke 6:9). The issue is that if you do not take time to rest, ever, you become run down and can not be effective in anything. I am faced with this very heavily. I do not have time to rest because I am always in a position where I need to be concerned about what is going on at work. I’m constantly called upon and issues that need addressed are carried over to me for when I resturn and stacked up upon me. This simply is not how God wants us to live our lives.

God told us that He would give us whatever it is that we ask for. (Matthew 21:22, Mark 11:24, John 11:22, John 14:13, John 15:7, etc, etc). I fully believe that God will provide an answer to my prayers in that I find a way that I can provide for myself and that I can be more effective in His Kingdom. Recently, I have been feeling the call that I need to take a step of faith. Many opportunities have come up for me and they have promptly disappeared. If there is one thing that God has always worked on me with, it is my faith, and I now begin feeling that this is another test of faith that I must pass. A few weeks ago, I really believed that I needed to give my two weeks notice…. But because of my fear of what others would say, and my fear of not knowing how I would make it, I didn’t act upon this. It’s irresponsible to leave a job when you don’t have another job lined up, right? At least, that’s the way the world sees it… and in all honesty, I think this may be a general rule of thumb. But in so many cases, God is above the “rule of thumb.” Sometimes we need to ignore what is “logical” in this world and take a step into the un-worldly view and make an action of faith. This certainly has been true in my life…. And in many of those cases, I have been attacked multiple times because I was not acting responsibly. Though that may be true in the world’s eyes, in God’s eyes, He has been, and still is, working on making me the person He wants me to be.

Ephesians 6:5-9 paints the picture of how a working relationship should occur. While it is true that we must be loyal to our jobs it also very true that the employer must be fair in his treatment of the employees. Colossians 4:1 tells employers that they need to provide for their employees and they need to be right and fair. There are also many other references to the working relationship in the Bible. And there are references that we need to endure that which our employers give us. Whether it is fair or not. This is true but we also have a responsibility to be effective and when that is not possible (to be effective for the Lord), it is time to “shake the dust off our feet” (Luke 9:5). It is crucial to always serve whole heartedly when you are under the direction of your employer which is what is said in 1 Peter 2 but this is while you are under their direction. It does not say that you must stay…. It is indicating that while you are that employers servant, you need to honor them whether or not they are fair.

So where does this leave me? In Hebrews 11. Through history, the greatest things of God happened when someone took a huge step of faith in Christ.

On Sunday, I talked to some very strong Christian friends and I expressed the feeling of taking this step of faith but yet told them that I didn’t feel comfortable because of the fact that it seems almost irresponsible. The response I got was “Bob, look at what you are going through and how much you are hindered and not able to live – it is more responsible for you to stay at Carpathia” …. And there is a lot of truth to that. I talked to another very strong Christian who is also in the technical industry and also knows a lot of the occurrences going on at Carpathia and I was flat out told that I can not stay at Carpathia. It’s killing me little by little….. and I guess that is something that I’ve wanted to hide because of how much I really enjoy my job…. As far as what I do, that is. But it is becoming more and more evident that the longer I am here, the more damage that will be done to me.

Is it time to take a step of faith? I’m almost certain! I need to rely on God in this case and I need to take that step that says “Ok God, I now have absolutely nothing and I need you 100% to provide for me” … and in the prayers that I have been making and will continue, God will provide…. It is what He does!

Tuesday at 3pm, there is a company wide meeting at Carpathia. My plan is to spend some time in prayer before this meeting and go in early with my 2 weeks notice typed up and signed. Am I scared? Definitely…. But that fear is not of God (Romans 8:15). What am I more afraid of? Well, I’m afraid of what might happen if I don’t follow through with this.

I know there is going to be a lot of criticism from many people and probably from a lot of the people I am sending this to. But my faith is in God and not in man. I will, of course, love to hear everything that every single one of you have to say. Maybe in my prayer tomorrow I will be led in a different direction…. And maybe the words of one of you will point me to exactly what I need to do. I don’t know how God is going to provide but I know that He will…. In some way.

Please keep me in your prayers…. More than ever right now. There is no doubt that God led me to Northern Virginia for a reason…. There is no doubt that I am to be here…. And there is no doubt that Carpathia was the tool God used to bring me here…. But its more and more evident that Carpathia is not the tool to keep me here (at least not in it’s current state). I have worked as diligently as I can regarding all of this. I have talked to various people about this situation…. And I have argued with myself multiple times regarding what I need to do. I have made excuses as to why it might be a good idea to stay at Carpathia…. And although those may be the case, the bad far outweighs the good and gets worse every day that goes by. God has promised to give me rest and to make me more effective in His Kingdom…. But these are not things that come just magically… sometimes it takes a great step of faith on our parts to do this. That is where I truly believe I am now at. I need to take this step… and I need a lot of prayer and support because I am hard core stepping into an unknown.