Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Something really has occured to me tonight about my life..... about fitting in. I, for some reason, was thinking back through my past and stuff.... and I realize that so many things in my life were me trying to fit in. I guess what prompted it tonight was the fact that I realized that I dont really fit in with my family any more. I mean, I'm here (which I am glad of), but alot of me really wishes I was back in VA right now. Why? It really caught me off guard but I think I figured it out... it's because I fit in there.

I look back at my life growing up.... alot of things really were me trying to fit in. My family was extremely into gymnastics... and I wasnt. Now, I am not saying they did anything wrong..... but sometimes I really did feel out of place.... when I had a bowling tournament on a Sunday and my whole family was going to a gym meet instead. (I really want to stress the fact that I am not upset about this and I dont hold anything against anyone - in fact, I really honestly am proud of my sisters and what they have accomplished in gymnastics)..... But then things started to really go in a different direction for me.... and I guess maybe it wasnt in a direction that anyone expected (especially not me). At this point, I started to feel out of place at my church.... I guess maybe I became a "small time church hopper" .... Again, I loved my church.... well, all the churches I went to.... but it wasnt me. I feel into just "going through the motions" .... Anytime I wanted to serve, I was questioned of whether I was "fit" to serve. As I was in the middle of preparing to go on a missions trip, I was called before the missions board and was questioned as to whether I was fit to do it. Truth is... no, I wasnt.... and I mean that in the same way that EVERY other person on that trip was not fit to go. But why me? Why was *I* called before the board? I didnt fit in.... Then things went on and I dropped out of high school. Was it wrong? I dont think so.... would I recommend it to anyone else? Probably not..... but I was treated like an outcast as a result of that. And I really have yet to find the part in the Bible where it says thou shall not drop out of school. Education is important.... but that doesnt mean that school is the only place for education..... As time went on I got pulled further and further away from what I should have been doing and slipped more and more into "just doing the motions" .... I turned 19.... we went on vacation.... few months later I move to FL.... Maybe I didnt 100% fit in down there but I didnt NOT fit in.... Moving to FL was a refreshing experience for me and God REALLY taught me a lot.... did I go seeking to fit in? Maybe.... end result is I moved back home and brought ALOT back with me. That was clearly what God wanted me to do.... I would not change it......

A little side thought..... Why did I always go back to Pizza Hut? I think it's because I really fit in there... and I felt important there. Pizza Hut is a huge part of me and I really miss those times.

But where am I now? I finally fit in with ALL of my surroundings.... I am part of an amazing church that is exactly the ideas that God had given me.... I have a group of friends that I finally fit in with... People that I am comfortable with.... People that I do not have to act differently to be a part of.

I've gone from having to try to get up for church every Sunday to not giving myself the option.... I love going to my church and I love being a part of it. I love the fact that they realize no one is perfect and that they still let people serve because thats what people need to do. Serving at New Life is the best thing that every happened to me. I know that even tho I am not perfect, I can still fit in.... and still be a 100% part of what God is doing. And mixed in with that is a system of friendships that I have never had. God has me right where I am at..... this is where I'm supposed to be. This is where I want to be! And Ive been in PA less than 24 hours and I already miss my friends in VA. I love them to death.

Please PLEASE PLEASE do not take this the wrong way. I love my family... I love my old church... I love my old friends. There are people in my life that will always be a huge part of my life. I couldnt have asked for a better friend growing up with than Matt.... I couldnt have asked for a better family. I love them all to death.... Every single one of them. This isnt a post to rat on what people did wrong in my life... its a post to show that I really know where I'm at now.... I may not know where I am going.... but I know where I'm at and its where I need to be.... I finally fit in.

This, I am thankful for!

God Bless everyone and their families this holiday season!

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