Tuesday, August 31, 2004

I just got an email back from my doctor. He made it very clear that I need to call Western Psych.... I am a wreck... and now I want to cry. I dont want this again. I really dont.... but I guess I have no choice. I am destined to be a psychiatric paitient.... Please pray for me... Please... I dont want to do this but I trust my doctor...... *crieS*

Monday, August 30, 2004

Date: Mon, 30 Aug 2004 17:20:29 -0700 (PDT)
From: Stephen McGuire <-------@------------>
To: Bob K Mertz <----@------------>
Reply-to: -------@------------
Subject: Blog...
Saw this in the blog and had to respond:
I so freaking want to go crawl in a hole and freaking die. I'm sick of
people around me... they are here for one purpose... to piss me off! I
want to die... and I want Tiff to pull the trigger so I can at least
give her some satisfaction.

What is it about Tiff that you can't let go of? You seem pissed that
she is able to walk away and yet even when you say to her in chat that
you're done you still continue with it. Do you mean what you say or
just say it to be mean?

I love ya bud but your not making sense.

I wanted to post this in my blog with Steve's permission.
Do I mean what I say or just say it to be mean? Probably more of the later... the thing that I dont understand is why I do it. Truth is I dont want to be mean to Tiff. I still love Tiff from the bottom of my heart. I am frustrated in that situation but I have been before. And the horrible thing is Im making Tiff out to be a monster.... even though she isnt. And why am I? I dont know.

What kills me the most? Tiff cares about me and I dont want to admit it. Yes, she hurt me really bad..... and I feel alot of that pain but as much as I bad mouth her I know she still does care about me. Issues at hand are she is EXTREMELY confused and I am EXTREMELY messed up in the head.

Im scared... but I do realize that I am not making any sense... I cant right now. One min im in a very happy mood, the next I wanna punch stuff. Im sorry... I cant make sense....

.... and I said it once in this blog... this is a fountain for my mind.... its spilling my thoughts and right now, all of those messed up thoughts... they will be in here. I really need you to understand that..... understand that... but please dont try to understand my depression/bipolar/panic/etc .... unless you've experienced it yourself.

I have some serious issues.... and I am not officially saying that and crying out for as much help as possible.

Fifteen mins ago I wanted to kill someone.... I didnt want to die myself... I want to physically harm someone else.... and it wasnt neccesarily one person ... I was just angry at the world.....

This came after cussing tiff out for no apparent reason... she didnt even say anything to me... I just started cussing her out.... then I called her crying....

I caught myself at one point and took my xanax... thats not even what xanax was for but knowing enough about it, it was possible so I took it... it helped... and so I am able to sanely right this blog.

I am still shaking quite a bit... This isnt me.... Im scared to death... I am really really scared. My thoughts were WAY too real 15-20 mins ago.... and I had no one to talk to.... maybe thats why I called tiff crying.... I really dont know what happened.... im just scared.... there is really something wrong wtih me.... Ive never had this... this cant be depression... if its bipolar ive never swung toward mania like this... I dont know if its still meds screwed up in my body... I wish to God I could see my doctor before the 13th... Im affraid im going to end up in the hospital... or worse. Im screwing stuff up.... with my relationships... with tiff as well as everyone else. Im out of control... and no one around me is taking me seriously... I should be watched... but im not...

Just pray.. please... PLEASE.....
I am so fuming mad right now its not even funny.... and this isnt good considering the circumstances im in. First of all, I feel like driving to Lock Haven... and thats not a good thing. I wish to God that I could just easily forget someone as easily as she can. Damnit im pissed. Secondly.... my sisters friend has been needing her internet set up.... i kept setting times up and then she'd never call me back.... yesterday I was told by my sister that I should go over tonight... thats when she said would work. I was asked to do something tonight by a friend that I hadnt seen in a very long time and I turned her down.... because I was going to help this friend of my sisters.... now my SISTER tells me that she is at Idlewild today.

I so freaking want to go crawl in a hole and freaking die. I'm sick of people around me... they are here for one purpose... to piss me off! I want to die... and I want Tiff to pull the trigger so I can at least give her some satisfaction.
Chorus 1:
How could you break my heart?
Throw away a love that would last forever?
How could you break my heart
But its over, its over
It was your smile that captured me
Your love was the only lock and key
I love the way it used to be
Before we had to disagree
I had the time to maybe see
I owe your mother an apology
Our love would win just you and me
I wish you would belong to me
How could you break my heart
Throw away a love that would last forever
How could you break my heart
Well its over, its over
Chorus 2:
Consequences, I guess there is no one left to blame
Consequences, you know its always a low down dirty shame
Consequences, what goes out will all come round again
Consequences, I guess I've learned my lesson now
(Chorus 1)
I know I've done some stupid things
Went out and sold your diamond ring
I just cant have remembering
How much joy you used to bring
And I see that its crystal clear
That you were acting out of fear
How could you be so insincere
And leave me drowning in a pool of tears
(Chorus 1)
(Chorus 2)
(Chorus 2)

Sunday, August 29, 2004

InformationWeek > Microsoft > California Cities And Counties Sue Microsoft For Antitrust > August 29, 2004

At least there is some good news.......
I'm not doing well again. Work was ok but not ok at the same time. Lots on my mind as usuall... towards the end my depression started hitting really bad. This whole thing with Tiff is killing me.... I want to be on stable grounds with her... I want it so badly.... but its her way or the high way and its just not fair. She says she cares about me but shows no signs that she does. She told me that her and Jim were having big problems.... she told me that they have NO plans of getting married.... she wants to be friends with me... she doesnt want to give up on Jim. Give me a break. She wants me to be her "friend" so she can dump all the crap.... oh hell with it.... this post is just pissing me off more.....
VeriSign's antitrust suit against ICANN dismissed | CNET News.com

Definately some serious issues going on here. Im glad to see that the court's actually did something. Unfortunately, VeriSign will not stop. Verisign truly is worse in my book than Microsoft. With Microsoft products you do have a choice. I can run another OS on my computers (such as I do on my laptop) and gain features and lose features. The unfortunate thing about VeriSign's service is that you have no choice. This is dangerous. They literally are creating havoc in internet technologies and the end user that would prefer to easily see if a domain is being used now has a difficult time since all domains will always appear. And "its easier for users" my butt.... VeriSign is doing one thing again that they have always done well.... cheating people to make money. There is a HUGE revenue stream inside this SiteFinder service. And the day that we would lose the services of ICANN is a very sad day, indeed. There may be very little control over the internet but ICANN is definately needed to control certain aspects of the way the internet works. They make is easy for companies to connect to other companies because there is a basis of how it is done. Without ICANN we may one day see an internet in the US that can communicate with 34 states and then another one that can communicate only with the rest. That's exagerating a bit, but paints a picture of what may happen.
Well today was actually a pleasant day. I hung out with Tanya and my buddy Eli all evening.... I really needed that. Basically was at her house and then my house for a bit and then back to her house. She just got eli a new puppy and she is soooo cute. Her name is Missy. I didnt take my Lexapro today.... and I feel pretty good. Its either that or no one pissed me off.... Im not really sure. Nothing real wild and exciting happened.... just a nice relaxing day. I dont think church is gonna happen tomorrow. I really need to help a friend out with her computer. We'll see what happens. I'm gonna be getting to bed shortly here anyway. Goodnight!

Saturday, August 28, 2004

First... I'm sorry for the people I scared. I stayed with Tanya last night because it was safer for me to be with someone. My family was in and out last night so there wasnt solid coverage. Tanya has cared about me since we met and honestly, she was really the only person there for me... so I stayed with her. I turned my ringer off on my phone because she had to get up at 5:30. I didnt want alerts for servers that are normal to break keeping her up. Unfortunately, a real server crashed and people paniced about where I was. Wasn't expecting that..... sorry.

At the moment, I am doing fine. I got an email back from Dr. Gaul and between the research I have done and the knowledge he has we know what the problem is. It is not that the Lexapro isnt helping my depression. The problem is the Lexapro is hindering the Lithium and therefore creating serious issues with my bipolar. The route it seems we are going to take is Wellbutrin mixed with Lithium. This should work well. Unfortunately I cant see him until the 13th. I emailed back to him that thats the earliest the office could schedule me so we'll see if he has a median solution. Please pray for me... this could be a rough week.

Truth be told right now, Tiff flat out pissed me off. The worst part is, I'm still not over her. This will all turn out ok whether we work things out or not. But I am pretty sure that if we dont work things out this time, its over... well, I'm over her. I cant keep dragging myself through the mud because I love someone. I told Tiff goodbye yesterday... she asked me about the future... like if I ever found the girl of my dreams if I would go back to being friend with her. My answer was "hell no" ... I tried that and I left the girl who was my dreams at the time. Whether Tanya is for me or isnt is irrelevant.... the point is I was pulled away from tanya because of tiff.... Im not going to let that happen again. Tiff has a little bit of time to figure this out and make things right... if she doesnt.... its over... its gotta be.

And I know that even tho sometimes I dont feel that God is with me... He is.... and I'm thankful for that. He will get me through this.
Now I will tell you what I’ve done for you
50,000 tears I've cried
And bleeding for you
And you still won’t hear me
....(going under)....
Don’t want your hand this time
I’ll save myself
Maybe I’ll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I’d reach the bottom

I dive again
I’m going under (going under)
Drowning with you (drowning with you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through
I’m, going under

Blurring and stirring the truth that comes out
(so I don’t know what’s real and what’s not)
Always confusing the thoughts is my head
So I can’t trust myself anymore

I dive again
I’m going under (going under)
Drowning with you (drowning with you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through,
I’m, so go on and scream
Scream at me, so far away
I won’t be broken again
I’ve got to breathe
I can’t keep going under

I dive again
I’m going under (going under)
Drowning with you (drowning with you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through,
I’m, going under (going under)
Going under (drowning with you)
I’m going under

-Evanesence "Going Under"

Friday, August 27, 2004

I hope when I get home tonight that there is a cute girl at home that will just hold me in her arms all night. Tanya counts.... Jo counts.... Danielle counts.... Hell even tiff counts if she has a good story.... Tiff will happen if hell freezes over.... I guess the rest can happen but probably won't. I just need to be held.... Badly
Why am I called bibleboy? Well, I know why I started being called that but I dont know why I am anymore. I really feel like God is leaving me..... He's just left me all alone.... Maybe its not true but its really starting to feel like that. 90% of all girls I ever dated left me alone in the same way.... the only friend I have left is Tanya.... and thats a blessing. Tiff is gone..... Kendra wont even tell me how shes doing... she asks me for help and then leaves..... Dunno where Amber went.... Julie is gone.... these are all girls that I dated and then later was a really good friend to for a while.... just recently tho they have all left me..... And I feel like God's leaving too......

.... Friends, I need prayer... this is my last cry for help. I am losing all hope... I am losing my hunger for God. I am losing everything... worst of all, I am losing my will to live. I am hanging on for now.... but I dont know where it goes from here. I'm scared. Will it end before I lose it all?
I am literally sitting at my desk in my cage crying.... I really seriously want to die. There is no one to help me.... no one that cares.... I just want to die and get it over with. I dont understand why but it feels like God has totally turned His back on me. I have no reason to live... I really dont.
I know I'm crazy... but who is crazier? I'm looking forward to your comments.

(14:40:54) bobkmertzaux: Wanna join me in a mass suicide?
(14:41:20) Tiffs Wolf Dance: What will that solve
(14:41:20) bobkmertzaux: At least I'll be able to die with you I guess
(14:41:26) bobkmertzaux: and then we wont have to deal with anything
(14:41:44) Tiffs Wolf Dance: not dealing would be nice
(14:42:21) bobkmertzaux: see.. perfect solution
(14:42:29) bobkmertzaux: you dont have to deal
(14:42:31) bobkmertzaux: I dont have to deal
(14:42:38) bobkmertzaux: and at least the last thing I did I shared with you
(14:49:29) bobkmertzaux: I give up
(14:49:29) Tiffs Wolf Dance : Sometimes in life,you find a special friend:Someone who changes your life bybeing part of it.Someone who makes you laughuntil you can't stop;Someone who makes you believethat there is really good in this world.This is forever friendship.
(14:49:56) bobkmertzaux: There is no good in this world, btw
(14:49:59) bobkmertzaux: well
(14:50:01) bobkmertzaux: there is
(14:50:06) bobkmertzaux: God was with my cousin Jesse....
(14:50:11) bobkmertzaux: He doesnt like me tho for some reason

(14:51:59) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I know He has a plan and a place for you
(14:52:06) Tiffs Wolf Dance: It will come
(14:52:09) bobkmertzaux: bull
(14:52:11) bobkmertzaux: I get shit on
(14:52:14) bobkmertzaux: time after time
(14:52:17) bobkmertzaux: every good situation
(14:52:20) bobkmertzaux: every "right" move
(14:52:23) bobkmertzaux: I get screwed for
(14:53:12) bobkmertzaux: You know nothing anyway
(14:53:16) bobkmertzaux: why would I listen to you
(14:53:20) bobkmertzaux: you never know how you feel
(14:53:27) bobkmertzaux: you can never say this is that and that is this
(14:53:31) bobkmertzaux: is always grey area
(14:53:40) bobkmertzaux: it would be more like you to say "im not sure if He has a plan for you or not"
(14:53:53) bobkmertzaux: either that or you just hide behind I dont knows because you dont want to deal with something
(14:55:03) Tiffs Wolf Dance: Well I did say that so, I said it.
(14:55:38) bobkmertzaux: why did you even tell me that you saw us getting back together? WHY?
(14:55:42) bobkmertzaux: Why did yo HAVE to lie to me again
(14:56:11) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I wasn't talking now, or the next 3, 6 months. I was talking someday.
(14:56:27) bobkmertzaux: if thats the way you feel, why the hell are you with Jim now?
(14:56:49) bobkmertzaux: I wasnt talking now either
(14:56:53) bobkmertzaux: I need time to myself too
(14:57:02) bobkmertzaux: but when you told me you cant give up on jim
(14:57:12) bobkmertzaux: you lied about something... I just dont know what
(14:58:36) bobkmertzaux: now you tell me in a year you could see me and you together again?
(14:58:37) bobkmertzaux: wtf
(14:59:09) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I know I need to be where I am right now. I don't know why. I just do. I can at least get out of bed every morning now.
(14:59:19) bobkmertzaux: glad you can
(14:59:25) bobkmertzaux: you know
(14:59:28) bobkmertzaux: I wanna die so bad
(14:59:33) bobkmertzaux: maybe ill just let you pull the trigger
(14:59:40) bobkmertzaux: youd enjoy that
(14:59:43) bobkmertzaux: and id get what I need
(15:00:38) bobkmertzaux: if you can get out of bed because of where you are now than QUIT WHINING ABOUT IT
(15:00:45) bobkmertzaux: You did what you wanted.... you are where you wanted to be
(15:00:53) bobkmertzaux: You lead your own life
(15:01:01) bobkmertzaux: and you choose who you want to screw over and who you dont
(15:01:14) bobkmertzaux: If you are truly happy, then why even think about being with me?
(15:01:29) bobkmertzaux: You cant answer that because you contradict yourself in everything you say
(15:02:22) Tiffs Wolf Dance: i think about spanish class and sharing everything witha person. I true friend like I have never seen before.
(15:02:53) bobkmertzaux: yet you still lie to him and treat him like dirt?
(15:02:54) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I miss all of that. A strong bond with someone
(15:04:30) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I said I want your friendship. You can't. So what else is there to do.
(15:05:43) bobkmertzaux: That didnt answer the question
(15:06:04) bobkmertzaux: If you want me as a friend, why do you lie to me?
(15:06:17) Tiffs Wolf Dance: about what
(15:06:26) bobkmertzaux: ive said enough times
(15:07:02) bobkmertzaux: I want to be in your life and you to be in mine... but I cant do it without a commitment.....
(15:07:10) bobkmertzaux: youve hurt me so bad before
(15:07:25) bobkmertzaux: I at least need a commitment now so at least it'll be a little bit harder for you to crush me again
(15:08:25) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I can commit myslef as a friend. But nothing more.
(15:08:33) bobkmertzaux: Why not more?
(15:09:57) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I stopped caring for Jim the way I did before. But he picked me off the floor. I needed someone this once. And that meant a lot.
(15:10:14) bobkmertzaux: LMAO
(15:10:25) bobkmertzaux: so lead him on too
(15:10:29) bobkmertzaux: wow.... you are messed up
(15:10:37) bobkmertzaux: you go right ahead on with your happy little life
(15:10:40) bobkmertzaux: keep your mom happy
(15:10:45) Tiffs Wolf Dance: Not what I'm saying
(15:10:47) bobkmertzaux: and while your at it... grow up to be just like her
(15:10:51) bobkmertzaux: your well on your way!
(15:11:44) Tiffs Wolf Dance: He helped me when I needed it most. We both moved on. But we're growing close together again.
(15:12:13) bobkmertzaux: Is he your boyfriend?
(15:12:35) Tiffs Wolf Dance: Yes he is.
(15:12:40) bobkmertzaux: but your not going to marry him?
(15:12:59) Tiffs Wolf Dance: We have no plans
(15:13:06) bobkmertzaux: wtf is wrong with you?
(15:13:26) Tiffs Wolf Dance: Nothing definite. It's possible. (15:13:35) bobkmertzaux: F**K YOU!
(15:13:37) bobkmertzaux: Im done
(15:13:42) bobkmertzaux: ive had enough of your games
(15:13:57) bobkmertzaux: You just told me you wanted to be with me
(15:14:04) bobkmertzaux: in a year
(15:14:05) bobkmertzaux: oh wait
(15:14:18) bobkmertzaux: get married to jim in a month... divorce in 6 months and then marry me
(15:14:20) bobkmertzaux: you make alot of sense
(15:14:40) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I'm not making plans to marry Jim, or to be with you in a year
(15:14:54) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I'm with Jim now
(15:15:03) Tiffs Wolf Dance: and I'll see where God leads me from there
(15:15:09) Tiffs Wolf Dance: That's all
(15:15:38) bobkmertzaux: I hate my life
(15:15:46) bobkmertzaux: I really wanna die
(15:15:49) bobkmertzaux: and I think I just might
(15:15:54) bobkmertzaux: you f**ked me over again
(15:16:13) bobkmertzaux: 4 hour drive home... alot can "happen"
(15:16:44) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I just needed your friendship. I'm sorry it got mixed up in the process.
(15:17:17) bobkmertzaux: The only thing you need from me is someone's life to screw up worse than your own... you look at me and make yourself feel better about the crap your doing
(15:17:34) Tiffs Wolf Dance: Not at all
(15:17:50) bobkmertzaux: Then why screw my life up like you do?
(15:18:30) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I have no intentions to do so
(15:18:40) Tiffs Wolf Dance: I hate myself
(15:20:48) bobkmertzaux: Know whats funny?
(15:20:57) bobkmertzaux: a couple days ago you told me you loved me
(15:21:03) bobkmertzaux: the funniest part is... I believed you
(15:21:12) bobkmertzaux: but I'll always be second best to jim
(15:21:14) bobkmertzaux: and now
(15:21:23) bobkmertzaux: im SURE thats why you didnt talk to me the day before we broke up
(15:21:34) bobkmertzaux: you wanted him back but you were too chicken to tell me
(15:22:58) bobkmertzaux: no answer = "yes bob, your right but I dont want to answer you
(15:23:13) Tiffs Wolf Dance: Sorry , talkign to mom M
(15:23:22) bobkmertzaux: planning this all out huh?
(15:23:24) Tiffs Wolf Dance: But no I didn't want to be with him
(15:23:38) bobkmertzaux: I dont believe you
(15:23:44) bobkmertzaux: I should have stopped believing you long ago
(15:23:57) bobkmertzaux: I'm done tiff... its over
(15:24:01) bobkmertzaux: Goodbye.....
I'm in trouble... My depression is getting really bad. I am literally on a downward spiral. I have never been straight suicidal but I have been passively... That's when I ended up in the hospital. Right now my thoughts of death are worse than then. I'm scared honestly. And I can't see my doctor till the 13th. If I dropped this bad in a week what happwns in another week and a half. I'm really scared and the worst thing is there is no one around me that cares....

Thursday, August 26, 2004

It's horrible when you begin hating the person that you always loved.... but yet as hard as you try, you can't give up.

I need prayer. I'm crushed... I have never felt so much like I wanted to die before. I'm tired of dealing with main and I'm tired of so much crap happening to me. I am not happy... I try to pretend but I am not happy. I keep looking towards a hopefull future, but when it comes it crushes me even more. I'm scared... and I long so much for someone to love me... to have someone that will let me love them. Someone that is willing to adjust for me and not make me do all the sacrifices and all the adjusting. I'm tired of that. And yet I cant give up... because... I dont know why... I just cant.... and it becomes even worse when its all you hear. Give up Bob.... And I cant. And I still here it... but I still cant. I dont know why I cant.... Alot of times I want to... but I cant.... It would be easier if people would quit telling me to give up... not alot... but a little easier.... even though I know their point of view, I cant stand hearing someone tell me to jump 100 feet in the air when I just cant. It gets annoying. I can understand the good of jumping that high... but I cant do it right now.

All I ask for right now is prayer.... I need it badly.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Im not doing well..... im heartbroken again... but this is more common than the opposite. Someone said goodbye tonight without saying those words.... I hate it... I guess I'm going to have to accept it... but im praying that that person will make things right in the next few days. Please pray for me... I really am becomming more and more suicidal and its scaring me. Dont worry tho... no plans of killing myself.... I'm just wishing I was dead. I know thats a permanent solution to a temp problem.. so I wont... I just hate wishing I was dead... its horrible. Please pray for me... please... you prayed so hard for Jesse and a miracle happened there... and I thank you so much for praying for him.... but please pray for me too... I need a miracle....
I have determined that I am emotionally clostraphobic. I feel trapped, as somone feels trapped in a small place, in an emotional sense. If there is a situation that NEEDS changed for me to be happy and I, in no way, can change that situation..... I go crazy... I just cant take it. Its more then just upset... I literally get headaches and stuff from it.... It's really annoying. I need companionship..... I need alot.... please pray for me.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Ok hold on to your chairs......

...... Jesse is coming home tomorrow!!!!!!!

All of the problems "fixed themselves" ... Jesse is eating, walking, breathing, etc, etc ,etc....... And hold your chairs again... HE HAS NO PAIN..... and he's on no pain killers.... In 1985 my dad was given a 10% chance of living.... he lived and made a full recovery..... now my cousin is almost pronounced dead at the scene and he is making a full recovery... dont you dare ever tell me that there is no God! He will still be monitored.... and he will miss the first week of school but he will probably be back to school after that.... another good thing is he remembers none of the trama but remembers showing his horse, getting his ribbon, etc, etc, etc.... this is a very good thing. This is just awesome. Thank you to everyone who was praying.... your prayers were answered!!
Well we are finishing up the last steps down here at the data center. Getting out of here later than we wanted but at least for the most part there were not serious problems.... only things that seriously delayed us.

The good news of the day is Jesse is doing so well again they may send him home in a few days. All of the problems with his brain "fixed themselves" ... ok, we all know that God fixed them... This whole thing was nothing short of a miracle.

My life is still confusing... things with Tanya and Tiff and everything.... Things will work out I'm sure.... I just hope that soon I have that girl that I can call mine and she can call me hers. Thats in God's hands.... right now all I want is my cousin to be ok.

Monday, August 23, 2004

God is really moving. Thanks again to all who are praying!
Jesse is doing remarkably well! He is doing so well that they move him to a regular room. Please continue to pray for him but God certainly is taking care of him!!!!!! I'll give more details if I get them. This is all based on a text message from my mom. When I have more time I will call her.
Jesse is in bad shape again. They had problems removing his breathing tube. They did get it out and then removed his drainage tube but the pressure monitor they used to monitor his head fell out. They no longer can monitor the pressure. The big problem was they had to keep reminding him to breathe... His brain is not doing it automatically. This of course is very serious. This pretty much means there is brain damage. Last I knew he was going for a cat scan. These next few hours are very crucial. We are not sure if we are back at a life threatening situation but things are bad. Prayer brought him this far and it will bring him through. Please continue to pray... Very hard.
Jesse woke up!!!!

Jesse recently woke up from his comma and recognized his mom and dad and then threw up. Sounds bad but that it a really good sign. The doctors are EXPECTING a full recovery. He will still be in the hospital for 7-10 days and of course have a plate in his head but he seems to be functioning ok. It is too early to tell if there will be any brain damage but things are definately looking better.....

My cousin got kicked in the head by a horse and he is going to live!

If any of you dont believe in the power of prayer, you really need to reconsider. There were many people praying for Jesse.... many will continue as I hope they do. Many people thought he was dead but he wasnt.... God was right there with him. Jesse's family is a family that serves God whole-heartedly and a major testimony of what God can do.

Thank you everyone who was praying. It has been a long day for me but now that I know Jesse is better I'm going to go to bed. Thanks again and God Bless!

Sunday, August 22, 2004

More details/updates.

The event happened at the Westmoreland Fair this morning. Matt and Jesse both got down showing their horses and Jesse stooped down to talk to my uncle..... Matt's horse bumped something, rared up, and kicked Jesse's head throwing him into my uncle's lap. My uncle basically thought that Jesse died in his arms. 30 seconds later Jesse woke up screaming. They took him by ambulance a short distance where they had Life Flight land. They took him directly to Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh. He is now out of surgery. They have reconstructed his skull as it was completely crushed. He has some type of a plastic plate in his skull now. They have him in an induced comma... they need to monitor the pressure in his head before they bring him out of that. It is looking better but it is a SERIOUS head injury so no one knows for sure. It is not yet known if there is any brain damage. Please continue to keep him in your prayers. I am very glad I was able to get the night off a pizza hut... after ALOT of effort. I need this night.... if they start letting people see him I'll be in Pittsburgh as quick as you can imagine.

Thank you everyone for your prayers! ... And for your continued prayers!
My family cant take anymore..... Why does more happen?

My sister just woke me up crying. My cousin Jesse is being life flighted to Children's Hospital right now. He got kicked in the head by one of his horses and they think that he might die.

Please pray.... we cant take this right now!
In My Arms Again - Michael W. Smith


I really wanna see you
I really wanna touch you
If only I could hold you in my arms again
I really wanna reach you
Forever to be with you
If only I could hold you in my arms again

It was written in the stars
On the pages of my heart
Oh, that someday I would find
The love I feel for you tonight

On the ocean of our dreams
Like a prayer you came to me
And the longing that had been
Found its ending in your eyes
And I am missing you tonight


Across the waves, across the sea
Separating you from me
Here's a promise and it's mine
I will love you for all time
I'm wishing you were here tonight

Today really was a great day! Jo came down from Bradford for the day. She was a good friend to me while I was up at LHU. I havent seen her in a long while. Its kinda nice to reunite with people you havent seen in a while. We spent ALOT of time talking.... it was really great and much needed. We kinda relate to each other in ways that others cant relate to us. We have very similar situations going on. I honestly wish she did live closer. I could use someone to hang out with. Im sure we'll see each other again tho. Today was good for both of us.

I cleaned my room today.... while I did I found $65 in gift certificates to the mall. That was pretty cool... So Jo and I went to the mall.... before you say "whyd you go blow money" ... I didnt. T-Mobile is in the mall and as a result I could use those to pay my current T-Mobile bill. I did that and then bought me and Jo lunch at Chick-Fil-A (somehow she never had that).... We also went to visit Tanya and Eli. I really hope that Jo didnt feel out of place there but somehow I think she did. But she did start talking to Tanya for a while so what do I know.... Leaving there we talked more and talked about Tiff and little.... and she said the one thing that I had different is that I definately have someone there if Tiff and I dont work out. I dont know if thats what I even want but that was just another comment chalked up as to how cute me and Tanya are together. *shrug* I need some time.... Tanya is moving on anyway so by time I figure my life out, even if Tiff and I dont work out, she isnt gonna wanna be with me. But yea, anyway, later Jo and I went to see "Without a Paddle" ... definately a good movie! Very funny! Then we went to dinner and came back to my house and talked some more.... then she had to leave... I really wish she didnt.... I had such a relaxing day.

Well, for some reason my family is counting church out for tomorrow... I dunno if Im gonna go or not. I really should but yet I really should catch up on some sleep. I dont know if Im even gonna get to bed yet.... *shrug* ... Either way, have a good night!

Friday, August 20, 2004

That money talks,
I'll not deny,
I heard it once,
It said "Good-bye.
-- Richard Armour
Please follow this link to read the comment thread continuing my olympics rampage.


Thursday, August 19, 2004

So my parents ask me if I want anything from McDonalds... I told them just a milkshake.... later they call me to tell me its up there.... I go up and get it and come back down here to my room because I have stuff to do. My mom goes "arent you gonna stay up here and visit with us? You havent been up here in a while" ..... I got stuff to do... so just now I go up to talk for a few mins before I go to bed and the olympics is on.... no one talks to me.... I ask a couple questions.... I get one word answers if that and obviously I was bugging them. Im sick of this olympics bs. I never really have been against the olympics but that is adding alot of stress to me. My family was really all I had in the last couple weeks and now I dont even have them.... not to mention even after the olympics are over, they arent going to have the same feel to me since I know that I wasnt that important. It all really hurts. But such is life I guess.... VA is far away and 5am is not so I'm gonna get to bed. Nite!
An opinion was made known to me of what I should do and what I need to do. I want to address that. First.... my blog... most of what I post here is what I thought/felt at a certain time or its fact of what has happened..... this blog is a release of my thoughts and not what I am going to do. I want to take time to myself but I need to be friends. My relationship with God needs to grow and hopefully I will work on that.
If you dont want to read whats in my head and whats going on, dont come here. It is that simple. I do not respond to "this is it and thats final" ... I respond to conversation. I know that so many of you have the solutions to my life and that you can fix it all in an instant. Its all very simple to get rid of all that is in my life, right? Im glad you feel that way. I will get through this.... I will get through this by myself. If you want to talk to me and be a friend, I need you... if you want to just point out whats wrong, save yourself the time.
I am single.... I will be single for a while..... thats what I need. However, it is not your responsibility to tell me that I cant date someone. When I feel the time is right, I will. Just because I said I was *THINKING* of asking Tanya out does not mean that I was going to. Also, you cant make a comment on what Tanya will say or should say because you dont know her story. I am glad I am friends with Tanya... I am glad that I am friends with Tiff.... let me iron this out. By reading this blog you read my thoughts (key word being THOUGHTS)... that is all you know. It helps to know people are reading. It really helps me release..... but they are just thoughts. They are not my actions nor are they the feelings and thoughts of others such as Tanya and Tiff.
Again, if you want to be my friend, I need it... if you want to just point out whats wrong... save your time.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

And once more:

"Nothing means more than saying the words 'I Love You' than not saying them."
"Nothing means more than saying the words 'I Love You' than not saying them."

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

#2930 +(129)- [X]

How can people like you guys survive infancy without bursting into flames from some major god (I don't care who) 's anger?
we carry fire extinguishers
No matter how good things start to look... something happens that ruins it. Last night I was honestly ready to ask Tanya back out agian..... but Tanya has a guy thats interested.... and she seems interested too. I had the time of my life last night.... But what do I do? Where does Tiff fit in? She finally emailed me today and said she's been busy. Tiff fit so well into my life.... I really enjoyed being with her.... but there was always so much indecisiveness..... and like everyone tells me.... I cant have that in my life. I want to be friends with girls right now.... tiff and tanya included.... I'm just affraid that I am going to lose the chance by time I make up my mind. The perfect girl is out there for me. Some say they saw things in me when I was with Tiff that they have never seen before...... they would agree I need to keep talking to her and keep an open mind to a relationship.... people also tell me that I was never happier than with Tanya.... and that I should keep an open mind to that relationship...... then people tell me to forget them both.... my mind sometimes tells me to just jump off a bridge. Truth be told.... I was kinda looking forward to Kendra coming to stay with me for a while.... I could have really used that.... but she's not now. I dont know where im going.... dont know what im doing... I'm really messed up..... I need to know how others feel. I want Tiff in my life.... but I need to have the ability to talk to here often..... last night.... I didnt read... because I couldnt bring myself too.... I was missing Tiff too much.... its sad that she is the only thing that really kept me reading my Bible.... im sad.... and pathetic.... but lets say Tiff and I do get back together.... what promise do I have that she wont do the same thing to me again... especially since she isnt really putting effort into the friendship. I guess im passively suicidal again.... I hope that that never becomes real suicidal thoughts.... but I hate them. I want to be gone and done with this stuff.... I dont want to have to deal with it..... and I do wonder what would happen if I was gone... Would anyone miss me? If so, who? Would Tiff miss me.... almost definately not.... Tanya? maybe..... ok... Eli would..... family? Well if I died now it wouldnt matter because they have the damned olympics..... I just dont .... *sigh* ... I wish someone would just care for me like I need to be cared for.... someone who can actually listen to me and share things with me.
Work... rough... after work... interesting.... getting on the boat... greatest thing in the world.

I had a great night.... tanya and eli and I went out on Steve's boat with him. It was the time of my life... it was something I needed.... and there were a few moments where I just stared at tanya.... a couple times she looked back at me and smiled..... like two people meeting for the first time. What does that mean? Who really knows in my mind... it was really nice tho.... and really made me feel good. And Eli... man... he had a blast! It was just an extremely good night.... we then went to Tanya's house... Eli was asleep so we sat outside and talked for a little bit.... we talked about alot of stuff.... stuff that needed to be said..... I started feeling really good..... she told me that she still loved me too..... because everyone knows that I still love her.... what does that mean? Again, who really knows..... but its nice. She spilt some stuff to me that if she would have told me before we broke up -- well, it would have changed a few things..... but I was happy she told me now.... that meant alot to me.... then she started showing me how badly I hurt her.... this killed me... it had to be said and I had to hear it but it KILLED me.... honestly at that point I was feeling pretty suicidal..... passively (thank God)..... but I ended up going into a panic attack... and she was there for me... she calmed me down..... and then I held Eli. I realized that after all of that pain that I caused her, she forgave me.... and I guess that means alot too...... There are some things I am worried about if Tanya and I would get back together.....things that kinda led to the breakup.... but I sit back and think if everything is supposed to be perfect, how am I ever going to find anyone? I was truly happy with Tanya..... but yes, I was happy with Tiff too.... but Tiff is another story..... I needed a friend so bad this weekend.... she STILL has not so much as emailed me. We're working on a friendship but im starting to wonder if she even wants that..... maybe I am just beating my head against the wall. I would really like another chance with Tiff..... if for nothing else, just to know how it would end or if it would end.... but am I going the wrong direction? I was truly happy with Tanya... I wasnt worried with her..... but I will be worried with Tiff.... she cheated on me once, and broke my heart more times..... but then I think.... why am I drawn back to her? Is there more there than I can see.... or anyone else can see?

Did I ever mention Tanya was beautifull? :) Going out on the boat in her cute tennis shoes and pink fleece and jeans..... wow :) Just so cute! She cares for me alot..... she would do anything for me.... well almost anything..... where do I go? Time will tell......

Am I creating a screw up just to fix another screw up I had? Maybe I shouldnt have broke up with Tiff back in May.... maybe I didnt give her the chance to explain that I should have..... but am I supposed to go backa nd correct it? I dont know.... I guess we will see in the next chapter of my drama.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

"I wrote your name on a piece of paper but by accident
I threw it away. I wrote your name on my hand but it
washed away. I wrote your name in the sand but the
waves whisped it away. I wrote your name in my heart
and forever it will stay."

I really had the call that I never expected tonight. Kendra called me out of nowhere. I invited her to come stay with us for a while. I dont understand why but I feel called to help her out.... time after time. She is a friend that I never want to lose... and I really hope that she does come here and stay with us for a while and just takes some time to talk to me.... maybe we can help each other. We're both hurting right now.....

I really do wish at this point someone was around for me to talk to..... Im in a real state of confusion. God only knows how much I want to talk to Tiff right now. Sometimes I wonder if its just the fact that she's busy or if she really doesnt want me in her life right now. I need her as a friend.... but maybe I want her as more of a friend than she can give.

Now that ive been put in my place about the atkins diet I might as well relax for a while and go to bed :) Just one comment tho.... God made carbs for a reason.

Good night everyone. I hope everyone has a great day tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who has been praying for me.... I need it.
In the same way that you are in the cross-fire of a shoot out and your very happy to see the police officers there.... that was the way I felt today in church. Dont know how to explain it but I was so glad to see my pastor up on the stage.... it was like a battle between good and evil.... just a strange feeling... but yet neat. Something happened today.... just dont know what.

And Brusters... I drove by there after eating..... low carb ice cream..... I've had enough of this low carb stuff. Not only is it too hyped but its going to kill alot of people..... Dr. Atkins dies of his diet and more people catch on to it.... I dont understand.

I had a good nap after that.... now its time to head in to Pizza Hut. I'm still kinda out of it... too much on my mind..... missing people.... I havent talked to tiff in a while... I hope she calls me tonight or something... that would be really nice.... I'm so scared of where my life is going.... yet I cant wait to see. *shrug* I guess The Keeper will lead me!

Well im off to the hut.... have a good one!

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Well... at least I got to talk to Danielle for a bit tonight. It just feels good talking to someone thats outside of all the situations that im in.... someone that I know I can hang out with and just have fun. We were supposed to go out tonight but it didnt work out. We're gonna try again on Monday maybe.

I really would have liked to talk to Tiff tho.... but I know from before her fridays and saturdays are rough.....

I cant wait till my life is stable again..... I miss that! Its off to bed for me now.... Nothing to do except watch the olympics.... and I'd actually rather die.
Damn the olympics..... Im sick of this crap already.... I should just move out for the week or whatever.
I spent some time over at Tanya's today.... playing with Eli and such. Things went really well. I still have her computer at my house... its a mess. I was talking to one of the other techs at work and we both are kinda thinking its the IDE controller on the mainboard.... this isnt a good thing since the machine is an older machine and those mainboard just are not readily availble. We MIGHT have one at work tho. So im taking tanya's tower with me to work on Monday and Mike and I are both going to look at it and see what we can do to get it going. We might even have an old shell laying downstairs since those systems were actually shell systems we sold. We'll have to see. I gotta find some kind of solution for her.

I just got done reading her blog.... and I have some mixed emotions. It looks like she is really ready to move on... which Im glad for her.... Honestly... I want the best for her. But I guess in a way I dont want to see her move on.... even tho I am pretty confident that tanya and I are not going to get married, I still have the thought in the back of my mind.... and it kinda hurts to see her move on. I dont want to see her get into the wrong crowd or whatever again. I guess maybe thats why I was upset about Tanya's blog before when she went out to the bar.... I just care an awful lot about her. This is something I will get over. Like I said, I think that God is leading me in another direction... im not exactly sure which, but different..... I will follow the path... I am just glad that Tanya and I are still friends. That helps alot. I just pray that she doesnt get hurt.
"... nothing real exciting to post though...." *sigh*
No one wants to talk to me tonight :(

IM a few friends online, they dont say much.... dad and lori are upstairs... olympics are on so the hell with me (i hate when people ignore when you ask a question.... multiple times)..... and I was expecting a phone call tonight that I never got......

I wish ... eh, I just wish alot. Goodnight I guess......

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Jon said hi to me today
Tonight while driving home... back in PA.... I make a phone call, leave a message.... have a panic attack. The only thing on my mind was back in May. I'm beating myself up for it... maybe I shouldnt be, but I am. I feel like I screwed so much up.... my life, and at least 2 other peop.... no, 3 other people's lives.... well alot more but directly 3 others. I wish I could go back to May and change so much..... this anxiety is killing me. Hopefully when I start this medicine tomorrow things will calm down a bit. I had chest pains for about an hour after that phone call.... and all it was was leaving a message.... didnt even talk to anyone..... I really screwed up in May.... and I hate myself for it. *sigh* I'm gonna go to sleep now..... hopefully I can relax and clear my mind.... gotta read the Bible first tho.... thats something that I started doing again... with the help of someone very special. Please continue to keep me in your prayers!

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

I think I come here to lonestar too much.... My waitress knows what I always get. Hehe

well.. Just writing to say things are going well.... I'm really good friends with tanya..... I'm friends with tiff again.... And friends is what I like right now. Still looking for some other female friends.... Inquire within... Lol. I just need a month or more to just be friends and clear my head. But I feel better.... I did nearly have a panic attack today ... But I didn't so that's good. Ok... Food should be here soon. More later.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

How many times

Lord, I've got no more tears to cry
Someone has hurted me, done me wrong
I'm walking wounded, ooh
Lord, this pain is a knife of fire
Why does it have to work out this way ?
Why do the innocent seem to pay ?

How many times
must i stand in the waves of this crashing sea ?
How many times
must i forgive all the hurt that's been done to me ?
Let the jury go, set the sinner free, ooh
Seventy times seven

Lord, i really don't understand
i'm looking round for some stones to throw
You're telling me i should let it go

How many times
must i stand in the waves of this crashing sea ?
How many times
i hear what you're saying inside of me
but i don't understand the mystery
of seventy times seven

How many times
have you wept from the anguish of all my shame ?
How many times
have i nailed you up on your cross of pain ?
You bled from the broken heart and i was to blame
seventy times seven

Lord you know just how hard i have tried ...
...seventy times seven
You gotta see that i'm hurting inside ...
...seventy times seven
Don't you know that my pride is at stake ...
...seventy times seven
So tell me how much one should take ...
...seventy times seven

* Mark Gersmehl / Whiteheart *

If you write or have anything to do with the production of spyware and I ever meet you.... run.... run fast.... and run far away.... far far away.
I just got off the phone with Tiff. I honestly feel alot better now. We talked like old friends.... it was really a great feeling. Who knows where things are going? I know that God is in control.... and I know that I am answering alot of questions in my mind right now. The panic may not be gone, but I do see light..... no matter where that is. I just really needed to get things right between Tiff and I .... I cant stand being alienated from someone who means so much to me. Im glad we're friends again. And all it sits at is we'll talk every few days.... down the road we may hang out.... right now I need to take care of me.... she needs to take care of her. Who knows who God can bring into my life during that time. I just feel better.... I needed this day.

Monday, August 09, 2004

I worked today and then left early to go to the doctors. We talked and worked some things out. I will be switching my anti-depresant to another kind but still staying on my lithium. This other anti-depresant also helps with anxiety, so it should be right up my alley.

After that I went to Tanya's to play with Eli. I was glad to see him... and I think he was just as glad to see me. I got along fine with Tanya's mom and sister which I was a little worried about and then tanya came home while I was still there and that went fine too. I am so glad that we're all still friends. I need that right now. It was tough tho.... I missed it.... if you know what I mean... and did I ever mention Tanya was freaking beautiful .... well if not, she is. :) But anyway, she is my friend now and nothing more than that. We'll be there for each other as friends because right now that is what we are meant to be. Im just glad that she still cares for me like I still care for her.... it's really a good scenario.... and I guess if its not meant to be (me and her getting married), its definately better that all of this happened now.

Well, I have part of a wireless network to rebuild.... been a while since you've seen "802.11b" in this blog, but its back .... I may blog later tonight... hard to say what happens. I'm hoping to talk to Tiff tonight. She said she was gonna be online.
I really just want to cry again..... I feel like I am losing more control.... as if I had any at all. Things just are too rough for me right now. I want to talk to some people but it seems the people that I want to talk to dont care enough to talk. It really hurts. I know I need to not rely on others but at this point, I need help. *sigh*
Something has to be done..... I am so depressed and I really just dont want to live anymore. My existance is bordering on constantly crying. I am no longer happy at all. I feel like I have no reason to live. I sent text message after text message today..... no response.....

And thats another thing..... how can tiff write so much about me in her blog.... how much she loves me and stuff.... and then all of a sudden throw me to the side and just totally forget that I ever exsisted?

*sigh* I really am thinking I need to just move away..... but then again, that probably wouldnt solve anything. Patti is right.... I need to figure out what I want out of life. I talked to Jim today and he said "just try to get over it...." the only response I had was "I dont know what I need to get over" .... just too much wrong..... nothing in my control..... I feel like I have no friends and I feel like no one cares..... though that may not be true, I still feel it. I'm all alone.... and if I was the person I wanna be, I'd be picking up my Bible and giving God my all.... but I feel too depressed to even do that. I am not who I want to be.... I havent been since the very start of May.

Well... I guess I'll go cry myself to sleep now.... at least I get to see Eli tomorrow.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

And yea.... how bad do I need to get away and do something? REAL BAD! The one thing I do every year is coming up..... Purple Door.... I live for it. Well, since I have no friends, I dont have anyone to go with so I guess Im not going.... I cant stand going places by myself so im screwed.... I really need to get away tho..... badly.... and I'm gonna cry that weekend when Purple Door is an im stuck here :(
"Go shortie, its'ya birthday....." ok so that 50 cent song comes on and all of a sudden my mind flips out again.... it goes back to my times at LHU..... I miss them so much... make me think of Tiff and how special we were together.... makes me think of that whole perfect era of my life...... im really messed up.

And yea, as for here at the hut, there are 6 tables in the dining room right now... one just came in.... i'll be here all night :(
So we tested it.... text messaging is working.... I'm being ignored.... Im glad so many people care... really.
Either my text messaging is not working right or half the world really does hate me.... I have sent approx 30 messages to a few different people in the last few days and I have not got a response for ANY of them. This really hurts.

I'm still out of it.... I'm tired of hearing "whats wrong bob" .... everyone can see that im down at work.... I want to ignore it... but I cant. I just keep zoning out and just.... well, just being out of it. I usually like the way I am when I'm at pizza hut..... I dont tonight. :(
I keep thinking of Tanya at that bar... why? I want to cry.... I want to just sit down in the middle of the floor and bawl my eyes out.... I dont get it..... why does it keep going through my mind? I hate my life.... I really do.... I'm always haunted by stuff I cant control..... I always just.... gesh... I just need help.... lots of it.... I'm really messed up.
Well my laptop is now running on Pizza Hut's Sattelite :) .... but all I can do is view websites because the commy's blocked virtually every port except 80 .... I'll try to find a way to tunnel through another server tho..... :)

Ok, im trying very hard to cheer myself up.... its somewhat working..... I guess I would have to say I am passively suicidal again.... which really isnt a threat... more of just a thought pattern.

I will get through this.... I'll do it on my own if I have to... I just wish that I didnt have to.... oh well.... ill live I guess.... just please pray for me
I just read Tanya's blog.... the one about her night last night. I'm trying very very hard to hold it together right now but after reading it I just wanted to bawl... ok I still do..... but I'm at work... and I cant. Why do I feel this way? Why does it bug me? Why do I want to cry...... why do I literally have tears in my eyes? :(
I do feel alot better right now. Tanya called and we talked a little bit. She said she still is a little uncomfortable seeing me right now but told me that I can always call her if I need to talk. Its funny when I think about it.... I think I care about Tanya more now as a friend than I did when we were going out. Maybe this is truly the way it was meant to be.... honestly time is going to tell... I am just really happy that she called and we talked.... plus I get to see Eli tomorrow!!!!!! I cant wait to see my little buddy! I'm sure things are going to turn out alright.... there are just somethings with other people that I need to get ironed out.... and I'm hoping that someday soon they will co-operate with me. God will take care of us all.... and I think that Tanya, Eli, me, Tanya's mom, my mom, my dad, lori, kari, etc..... I think that we will all be as close as we ever where..... I think that we all need each other in a way. I suppose I should now get ready for Pizza Hut. I'll probably post more soon.
So after that last post I went into a panic attack. Its STARTING to calm down but my chest still hurts so its not over... Then just a few mins ago, the speaker stressed how important praying together with some one was. I just want to cry. No one is talking to me... Especially the ones I really want to talk to.... I'm Trying to talk to them but they just don't seem to care. I need someone.... I need Jesus first and then I need that really special girl... I just hope that we can grow together..... Please Lord ... Bring her soon.
I know its probably not good that I'm blogging with church but I really need to get this out. I am sitting here just wishing that I had a special girl sitting next to me. Kendra came with me a couple times but ... Well... She doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Other than her there was one other girl who meant an awful lot to me that actually like coming with me.... That girl doesn't seem to want anything to do with me... I'm hurting. I want someone to share God with. Someone who would enjoy reading the Bible with me and praying with me and coming to church with me. I miss that so much. I only had that once but it sure meant a lot to me. I'm hurting right now because I don't have that... More so because no one ever wants to give that to me. DOEs anyone even care about me?
It seems that no one wants to talk to me.... but I understand that I'm a failure and just have this way of screwing things up so... well, yea... you'll have that I guess. The only calls I get on my phone are bill collectors (which I now dont answer unknown calls), a family member telling me their computer is broke, or... well, thats about it.... I'm losing it... I wish my phone would ring and it would be a friend who just called to talk.... and not just anyone... someone who cares.

I spent all day today fixing computers. When I say all day, I mean all day! I have to say tho, Microsoft's SP2 for WinXP is pretty nice. Looks like its going to do alot for security... something that Windows as a whole has been lacking. Granted, I'm sure there will still be holes but at least they are trying something new.

I'm out of it... really out of it. My mind is so messed up. I just need some serious prayer.... I could use some people who want to get together and just hang out.... Im gonna go to bed before I start to cry. I'm hurting pretty badly.... but I guess it's needed. Church is in about 8 hours.... hopefully I can drag myself out of bed.... I gotta get back to church.... its who I am.. well, who I was and who I need to be again.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

I was going to go to bed as soon as I got back from VA but I ended up talking to my family for a while and then I watched Wednesday night's "Rescue Me" .... If you havent watched that show yet its on FX at 10pm on Wed and then its actually on a few more times after that (I record it at 1am). As much as I loved the show for entertainment and comedy, it has some VERY serious points to it....and those points help you realize that sometimes it can be worse.

Truth is, im not doing really well right now. I dont have people to talk to... I believe that I am headed in the right direction... at least as far as taking some time off. I really made some stupid mistakes in the last week.... and my mind is severly screwed up right now.... but I am sure that I need to take time off right now. It is killing me to have to leave Tanya.... I mean, yes, we will be friends.... but we had something special.... its just that nagging I had.... something wasnt right.... and I dont know what it was.... I always want Tanya as a friend... we need each other as friends.... but the more I think about it, we fit better as friends.

I'd really like to figure out where Tiff is in the picture.... I'm finding out some things (not from tiff's mouth) that make me think I over reacted.... now dont get me wrong... I am very very upset at what happened... it wasnt fair and I was hurt again..... but I think some things are coming to my attention right now that are making me wonder what exactly happened.... I think I was lied to by someone other than Tiff.... and that lie changes the lie that Tiff made..... its complicated.... and the other person(s) involved are very important to me and I dont hold anything against them..... I really need to sit back and try to figure out whats going on..... There is tanya, there is tiff, and about 5 million other girls out there...... someday soon I will find the one. I need to stay single for a while and start building a direction instead of just taking a direction. I need to iron alot of things out with alot of people..... these panic attacks I had on Wednesday really woke me up. I've been not dealing with things that I should have been..... now I have to start. There is alot more on me now that I CANT take care of.... but I could DEAL with it if only I had taken care of the stuff before that I was able to.

Bottom line is this.... I need prayer. I need lots of prayer..... I hope that Lord guides me soon. I want so badly to have that girl I can sit next to and read the Bible with. I never realized just how much that meant to me until very recently. I knew I liked it.... but now I know what it means to me..... I've only had that once in my life.... I need it again... same girl, different girl, whatever... I just need that.

Friday, August 06, 2004

Someone once said "it was no accident".... Maybe it really wasn't.

I am very messed up in the head... And single again.... But tanya and I broke up on different terms this time. Both of us had a lot of pain before this relationship.... Both of us really felt good when we were together... But I think we went too fast. We were equal in it according to me. Either way I need to be single right now and figure some stuff out. My head is just scary right now. I also think I hit the anger button too soon for tiff. I need to iron out what's in my head. This hurts so bad. I care so much about tanya.... I did not want to lose her but this had to happen. It sucks so bad but we'll both be ok. She said we will be good friends soon... I hope so. Gosh this all hurts. I nearly had a panic attack when I hung up with tanya but I must have had just enough xanax in me to stop it. Oh well I'm at the bedford rest stop with my food in front of me so I'm gonna eat and finish going home. Please keep me in your prayers.... As well as tanya and eli.
The only thing worse than knowing.... is not knowing.

I am down in VA right now. I am really out of it but at least I am able to do my job. I have a kernel transfer going on right now and various other things so im on hold for a min while the computers catch up to me :) ....

When I got out of the car to walk into the data center I felt weird... like I was walking crooked or something. I dont know if this is a result of medicine or a result of my mental state.... I'm really fine as that aspect is concerned, it just felt weird. Right now, I feel like I could go in to a panic attack but Im not because somehow the xanax is still in effect. I'm just real mellow right now.... which is really the state I need to be in right now. I do have a bit of a headache but its nothing I cant handle. I guess im fine for the most part... just out of it and a little concerned about what is about to happen. Tanya and I had a discussion before everything went crazy in my head.... then tanya and another good friend beth spoke and things are just building up that maybe Tanya isnt the one for me..... I get this feeling because I think her and beth also feel it. If thats the case, that is fine as long as she can be friends with me and stuff.... I dont want to lose her... I really do love her and Eli but.... well the truth is I dont know whats on her mind. I tried talking to her a little bit ago but she didnt want to talk yet.... I dont know.... maybe I myself just need to take time off of everyone... the same thing that I recommended to Tiff years ago..... I cant believe I am here again tho.... panic problems... I have to carry my xanax around again.... I was fine.... I loved my life.... now im getting close to rock bottom.... what do I do..... *sigh* I just need some serious prayer right now. Things are not normal in my mind.... I'm a wreck.... truth be told.... I want to go back to the time before Tiff and I even started going out.... back when we were best friends and developing a relationship..... I cant right now... Tiff hurt me time and time again... and way to much...... but I loved my life back then.... I love being at LHU and learning about Psychology.... I loved the few friends I had up there and I loved the fact that I could hang out with tiff alot..... but alot has happened since then.... Tiff has pushed me away time and time again now.... its amazing for the person who once called use soulmates.... but yea, thats another thing.... in Tiff's eyes she KNEW we were soulmates but yet she would not admit that that meant we were meant to be together.... Tiff knew we where soulmates and that her and jim were not.... yet she choose Jim.... explain that to me. I'm gonna stop now before I go off..... everything hurts.... my head and everything mentally... it just hurts. I have been crushed too many times..... how many more times will God let me be crushed..... one last thought.... the thing I miss most in a relationship.... the thing that I only had with one girl out of how many...... the ability to sit and read the Bible together and then to pray together.... I want that back so bad...... but I may have to face the facts that I will never have that ever again. It hurts :(

Thursday, August 05, 2004

When I say I slept all day today.... I mean I slept ALL day today. I spent 3+ hours in an emergency room in Hagerstown, MD last night. They ran a bunch of tests on me and talked to me and then gave me some medicine.... about the time I hit PA I started talking to myself and really getting crazy.... I decided to pull over and take a nap..... 8 hours later I woke up when my dad called.... I figured I better get moving again.... I made it home and went to bed again.... its now a little after 9pm and I am just waking up... which sucks because its bedtime already and I need to be up at 5am to leave for VA.

I'm a wreck right now. Decissions where made against me.... no one really cares about how I feel... generally the world is falling apart around me. The things that I beleived and fought for so desperately have fallen apart. I am nothing. There are things that I cant even post in this blog that are bugging me.... things that are inside my family..... things that cant be known yet.... things that are eating me alive..... I really wish I could sleep longer.... when im asleep, people dont bug me. I dont know what route to take anymore.... I dont know what to do.... and worst, how do I avoid hurting people..... Maybe I should go back to counseling..... I dont know.... I just know that I am a wreck.... a big wreck... and there alot of people around me that caused it.... and a lot more people around me that dont even try to understand why.... people who still continue to look for me to support them when I, myself, need some serious support.

In short... Im scared......

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

I'm really scared right now... I just got into maryland and tanya called and started asking questions. I started shaking real bad, breathing funny... Now my eyes hurt, chest hurts, head hurts... And I'm shaking real bad. I'm here eating now trying to calm down but I have no choice but to drive home tonight. I'm scared....
Thank you to so many people around me.... for the first time in over a year I had a panic attack. I just cant thank everyone enough for dumping so much on me at one time.

The human mind can only take so much..... I am so close to that point it's not even funny. No one knows half the crap that I am dealing with and how much it is affecting me. First of all, I am only one person... I can not be everywhere and once and help everyone out at the drop of a hat... secondly, I make mistakes and just like everyone else, I need to be forgiven of those. Third... I need to know people care about me. I can not just assume that someone cares anymore because I have been betrayed way too much. Fourth, I need to be treated like others.... no special rules for me. Fifth, I need prayer more than I need advice right now. I have been hurt way too much by advice given to me and this probably means that I am going to make mistakes that I shouldnt have to... point is, I need to make them. I cant learn by what everyone else sees... I need to follow my heart. Sixth... if you hurt me... APOLOGIZE. I will never assume that you are sorry.... if you are, tell me... if your not.. just let it go and I will file it appropriately. No one can understand how much the words "I'm sorry" mean to me.

If you care about me... just show it. I have spent so much time caring about people and looking out for them only to be shot in the back. I cant take it any longer. If you care about me, you will know how to show it. If you dont care about me, get out of my life and quit pretending that you do.

Next time you see me and I am carrying my bottle of Xanax with me, just take a second to think if it was you..... because there is more than one person that has hurt me in the last week.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Why do people lie about caring for someone? What's in it for them? All they do is crush people.... But I guess maybe that's fun. I wanted at least a friendship with tiff and I end up trying my best not to hate her guts. I can't believe I was such an idiot and actually belived all the lies I saw in her blog and the lies she told my mom. What the hell was wrong with me? I almost lost 2 people who are very special to me and love me .... All because of one girl that has nothing better to do with her time than play mind games with me. I stood up on her account so many times when I defended her from people telling me she was just unstable and just liked playing mind games. Not only am I dealing with the pain she directly caused me but I am also dealing with the I told you so's. Gosh... All she had to do was tell me she was with jim again... But she couldnt.... I guess it wouldn't have hurt bad enough that way. She wanted the maximum amount of pain inflicted on me all because I took a path she made me think she wanted me to go in. She said that she was ready to move down with me this summer.... Yaknow what... I'm done... She's just an asshole... That's all there is to it.

Monday, August 02, 2004

Tanya's dog... as well as Tanya's mom's dogs... really enjoyed their new toy this morning..... its a stuffed animal named wolfie..... My dog was gonna get it..... but I didnt think she would do enough damage :)

All in all... I feel alot better. I know the truth.... I know that Tiff never did care.... and never will... I learned all over again that Tanya really does care about me.... she was pissed at Tiff... not because she was about to take me away from her but because she hurt me.....

I am now back where I need to be... I'm back with the girl that loves me... and the girl that I love. Lots of pain happened this weekend.... 2 of us (me and Tanya) are going to be better because of it.... 1 person is gonna hurt for a while because she deserves it.

Fair warning.... if you ever have something you need to tell me... just tell me... dont lie to me. Tiff could have had my friendship.... Tiff had this thing about lying to me... and it was ALWAYS about Jim. I dont know if she was just affraid or what.... but when you have something that needs said, you cant just leave it. You gamble alot when you lie to me. Honesty is very important to me.... VERY important.

Things are great now... I can now officially leave Tiff behind me.... something that I couldnt do before. Now I look forward and leave Tiff behind.....

Sunday, August 01, 2004

For your entertainment....


it all there.... Tell me what you would have done... Then tell me what you would have done when you found out it was all lies.... I wonder if jim knows about her blog.... She is probably lying to him too. Oh wel... She is out of my life now. I wonder is she prayed that I would come back to her. It sure felt like it did... Well... If she did.... I guess the saying is true.... Be careful what you pray for.... If you pray for something you better be ready to deal with it. Goodbye tiff... I wish you the... Ah nevermind.

And tanya.... I really do love you!
I made some mistakes in the last few days.... The biggest was hurting someone because of a hunch. I found out today that that hunch was wrong. Tiff posted things on her blog and talked to my mom often and used them all to lure me back. Once I talked to her she avoided telling me that she was back with jim. When I called her today I thought a relationship may start again. I was also prepared to hear that she was with jim again. If that was the case I wanted to be friends with her and admit to tanya I was wrong. That wasn't the case. Tiff did not tell me she was back with jim. She even ignored that fact when I directly asked her. Tiff doesn't care about me at all. She has a real bad habit of lying to me.... And its always about jim.... So how could I trust her? I know what I need to do now... I need to talk to the girl that loves me to death... The one that just has trouble showing it. The same girl that makes me happy. I need to make this right between me and tanya. I can't let this fall apart. I got my answer loud and clear from tiff.... I can't loose tanya too. At least now I know and I don't have those tiff thoughts in the back of my head. As bad as this hurt so many people..... It needed to happen. And... Oh yea... I love you tanya... And I'm sorry.
The 2 girls I thought loved me and I had to take a break to figure out which one was for me.... Well.... I'm starting to think neither one does. One lies to me and other just has to call over and over again displaying her hatred for me. Maybe this is where I move to va and start over. I do feel like dying though. I'm so hurt.
Why can't people just be freaking honest. I just really want to die. I am hurting so bad because of one little girl that I thought changed. Damnit I hate my life.
I don't know how I'm gonna make it through this shift at pizza hut. I just want to die. Its amazing how many people I can hurt by one move that I think is right. Its also amazing how many ways I can be hurt. I really do want to die.