I was going to go to bed as soon as I got back from VA but I ended up talking to my family for a while and then I watched Wednesday night's "Rescue Me" .... If you havent watched that show yet its on FX at 10pm on Wed and then its actually on a few more times after that (I record it at 1am). As much as I loved the show for entertainment and comedy, it has some VERY serious points to it....and those points help you realize that sometimes it can be worse.

Truth is, im not doing really well right now. I dont have people to talk to... I believe that I am headed in the right direction... at least as far as taking some time off. I really made some stupid mistakes in the last week.... and my mind is severly screwed up right now.... but I am sure that I need to take time off right now. It is killing me to have to leave Tanya.... I mean, yes, we will be friends.... but we had something special.... its just that nagging I had.... something wasnt right.... and I dont know what it was.... I always want Tanya as a friend... we need each other as friends.... but the more I think about it, we fit better as friends.

I'd really like to figure out where Tiff is in the picture.... I'm finding out some things (not from tiff's mouth) that make me think I over reacted.... now dont get me wrong... I am very very upset at what happened... it wasnt fair and I was hurt again..... but I think some things are coming to my attention right now that are making me wonder what exactly happened.... I think I was lied to by someone other than Tiff.... and that lie changes the lie that Tiff made..... its complicated.... and the other person(s) involved are very important to me and I dont hold anything against them..... I really need to sit back and try to figure out whats going on..... There is tanya, there is tiff, and about 5 million other girls out there...... someday soon I will find the one. I need to stay single for a while and start building a direction instead of just taking a direction. I need to iron alot of things out with alot of people..... these panic attacks I had on Wednesday really woke me up. I've been not dealing with things that I should have been..... now I have to start. There is alot more on me now that I CANT take care of.... but I could DEAL with it if only I had taken care of the stuff before that I was able to.

Bottom line is this.... I need prayer. I need lots of prayer..... I hope that Lord guides me soon. I want so badly to have that girl I can sit next to and read the Bible with. I never realized just how much that meant to me until very recently. I knew I liked it.... but now I know what it means to me..... I've only had that once in my life.... I need it again... same girl, different girl, whatever... I just need that.