Friday, August 06, 2004

The only thing worse than knowing.... is not knowing.

I am down in VA right now. I am really out of it but at least I am able to do my job. I have a kernel transfer going on right now and various other things so im on hold for a min while the computers catch up to me :) ....

When I got out of the car to walk into the data center I felt weird... like I was walking crooked or something. I dont know if this is a result of medicine or a result of my mental state.... I'm really fine as that aspect is concerned, it just felt weird. Right now, I feel like I could go in to a panic attack but Im not because somehow the xanax is still in effect. I'm just real mellow right now.... which is really the state I need to be in right now. I do have a bit of a headache but its nothing I cant handle. I guess im fine for the most part... just out of it and a little concerned about what is about to happen. Tanya and I had a discussion before everything went crazy in my head.... then tanya and another good friend beth spoke and things are just building up that maybe Tanya isnt the one for me..... I get this feeling because I think her and beth also feel it. If thats the case, that is fine as long as she can be friends with me and stuff.... I dont want to lose her... I really do love her and Eli but.... well the truth is I dont know whats on her mind. I tried talking to her a little bit ago but she didnt want to talk yet.... I dont know.... maybe I myself just need to take time off of everyone... the same thing that I recommended to Tiff years ago..... I cant believe I am here again tho.... panic problems... I have to carry my xanax around again.... I was fine.... I loved my life.... now im getting close to rock bottom.... what do I do..... *sigh* I just need some serious prayer right now. Things are not normal in my mind.... I'm a wreck.... truth be told.... I want to go back to the time before Tiff and I even started going out.... back when we were best friends and developing a relationship..... I cant right now... Tiff hurt me time and time again... and way to much...... but I loved my life back then.... I love being at LHU and learning about Psychology.... I loved the few friends I had up there and I loved the fact that I could hang out with tiff alot..... but alot has happened since then.... Tiff has pushed me away time and time again now.... its amazing for the person who once called use soulmates.... but yea, thats another thing.... in Tiff's eyes she KNEW we were soulmates but yet she would not admit that that meant we were meant to be together.... Tiff knew we where soulmates and that her and jim were not.... yet she choose Jim.... explain that to me. I'm gonna stop now before I go off..... everything hurts.... my head and everything mentally... it just hurts. I have been crushed too many times..... how many more times will God let me be crushed..... one last thought.... the thing I miss most in a relationship.... the thing that I only had with one girl out of how many...... the ability to sit and read the Bible together and then to pray together.... I want that back so bad...... but I may have to face the facts that I will never have that ever again. It hurts :(

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