Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Ok, so now that the dust has settled from the hits from the fark.com post, I want to explain to the real readers of my blog what that last post meant :)

Basically, fark.com is a website where people post links to stupid sites. An old... shall we say, acquaintance.... of mine decided that the fact that I am waiting for marriage is a "sick" and pathetic thing and he believed that others needed to read about it......

... The irony is that I believe others needed to read about it and here is the part where God works amazing things. Because of the defamatory comments that this person made, hundreds of people read that post that have no clue who I am. I emailed all of my friends asking them to pass the post along to others.

This reminds me of a post I made a few months ago:

Welcome Fark.Com Visitors!
And thank you to those who think I'm interesting enough to pass along

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Sometimes one of the greatest mysteries about the mind is the subject of dreams.

I remember years ago getting my first computer. It was a Tandy Color Computer 3 (TRS-80). You really couldn't call it a computer based on today's standards of what a computer is and does.... but this machine gave me a baseline and got my interest going even more than it already had.

One thing about this machine was it had a few easter eggs. One of these was holding down a key combination while turning it on or resetting it and you would be shown an image of the 3 major developers of the platform. There was also a program that turned the contents of the RAM into a display of garbled text and characters.

This is not meant to be technical but only an analogy. I remember running this program and watching what came on to the screen. I questioned why text contents of a program ran hours ago were displayed and, yet, programs that ran only seconds ago seemed to not have their place. I guess this is the same question I have of the human mind.

God embeds in each one of us a number of things that make us who we are. Unique to everyone else. It is the contents of our memory that makes us the most unique, however, there are variations in our embedded programming that truly make us unique from the time of birth. All of these lead to things that provide some type of force.... whether that force be changing the lives of others or just reminding us of who we are. At times our minds run this program that dumps the memory and all of a sudden we are questioning why.... why was one aspect of our lives seemingly important and yet another one that we thought should be in reality was not.

Dreams are sometimes that memory dump. I believe that God does use dreams and I also believe that many people read too much into dreams. No matter what, dreams are something that our mind uses to give our hearts feedback and in some occasions, just the opposite. I believe that the latter is the most likely time that God is directly involved.

Just last night that very thing was true of me. For so long I have been so incredibly proud of the fact that I have remained a virgin. I still remain proud of that fact but recently I had found myself questioning why I am bothering. In the recent year I have lost a lot of really special relationships and in at least two of those cases I believe that my desire to wait for marriage was to blame. I questioned why it was worth it to abstain from something I wanted so bad when all it was doing was preventing something else that I also wanted so badly -- a relationship. I found myself starting to believe that some people would maybe desire me more if I wasn't standing in the way of something they desired so badly -- apparently something that was so important that the matter of a friendship was misplaced.

Last night I had a dream.... I stood at a counter talking to 3 girls. The girl on the end was one of the most attractive and cutest girls that I had seen. She looked up and smiled at me so intently that it moved my heart in a tremendous way. I found myself explaining lots of things about my life.... the I mentioned my desire to wait for marriage and immediately the other 2 girls said something to the effect of me really capturing the heart of this third girl. I looked over at her and she had the biggest smile that was possible and it also appeared that she had tears in her eyes.

This morning when I woke up I remembered that dream vividly and I was reminded of why I have the desire to abstain: because my future wife deserves it. I have been struggling with the thoughts that I will never find her but I have so strongly been reminded that she is out there and that when God introduces us (if he hasnt already), it is going to be nothing short of miraculous.

It's extremely hard to understand why we are who we are. We know that our experiences and our emotions make us that person but we never really understand how that process works. One thing is for sure -- God has designed us in His image and has made us perfect in His sight. Why our mind holds one thing and not another is a mystery that only God understands. We may begin to understand the organics of our mind and be able to see reactions to stimuli but in the same wat that those 3 developers knew the workings of my first computer in a way that I would never be able to understand no matter how much I tried, it is God -- and only God -- that fully understands the mysteries of our minds.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Your Love Element Is Metal

In love, you inspire and respect your partner.
For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience.

You attract others with wit and a bit of flash.
Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you.

Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life.
You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past.

You connect best with: Earth

Avoid: Fire

You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other
I would like to take this opportunity to say -- man Pizza Hut did it again.... over market a product that sucks. Don't try WingStreet.... nothing at all exciting and over priced.....

So in other news, after changing my mind 4 times, i am still in VA. If we get this ice storm, it would be to tough to get back. I did get the water pump off the sammy but I need to get something to take the remains of the old gasket off.... for now Im just relaxing and watching TV....

Friday, February 23, 2007

There has been a lot going on with me... both personally and realted to my volunteering at New Life. Despite all the huge issues, I really am looking at this as a positive thing.... The creative arts tech wrote this on his blog and I think it expresses A LOT of what I am feeling right now. God is good!

its been awhile since i've posted.

i just felt the need to do it now, to let you know whats going on.

this Sunday we are start our building campaign called "More Than We Can See". we've been working crazy hard to make this the best thing our church has ever done. i personally have worked a lot of hours making videos better than i ever have before. its hard work, but its incredibly rewarding hard work. i've gotten video sent from churches all over the country thanking us for the impact we've had on church planting. i don't say that to boast, because frankly i had very little to do with any of it. this has been a God thing since day one and He's the one who gets the credit for it. some of you may not understand all this, and it would take me a long time to explain it, but there's no way to simply and quickly explain how we're involved in church planting. i can say that its really mindboggling to know that i'm apart of something so incredibly big. that i'm apart of churches in cities and states that i've never been too.

the building campaign is for 3 buildings that will mostly be community centers. we may have church services in them, but for the most part they will be for the community to use. we're also excited about what God is going to do through us in these community centers. as all of our work to communicate the importance of these community centers, and as we begin to ask people to struggle with their role in all this, and as people begin to give sacrificially to reach the $12 million goal a disturbing series of events are occuring. many of us are experiencing things that just cannot be accredited to coincidence. on wednesday, i figured that i had started my car 7 times. on the 7th time when i'm heading back to my office to film some people talking about their testimonies my car brakes down. from my understanding belt tensioners don't just snap off of your engine. my bosses car needs a new transmission. another woman i work with her car pretty much broke down for no reason, the Ford specialist were even puzzled. people are getting sick left and right. orders we place are getting lost in shipping. my wife fell twice in the last week, once on ice another on the escalator at the metro. i love my wife, but she has a long history of falling. right now she has dislocated left knee cap, which is painful but not as bad as it sounds. she won't need surgery or anything, just rest and once the swelling goes down she'll be o.k. her right leg is scraped and bruised thanks to the teeth on the stairs of the escalator. anyone who knows me knows i'm not the type to accredit every bad thing that happens to me to the devil trying to take me out. however, knowing whats on the horizon for us as a church, knowing how God is going to stretch us and change us and bless us through this, and at the same time seeing all of us dealing with broken cars and sicknesses, and everything else that distracts us from getting our jobs done one can only surmise that the devil is PISSED! its encouraging in a sense because in a odd way it means we must be doing something right. people are making bold moves towards God and thats a really really good thing. so thats whats been going on with me. i had a video uploaded, but our server that was hosting it got hijacked, so if i get it uploaded again soon i'll post here. oh yeah, someone hacked our e-mail/webserver last week. just more thing on the list of things that have come up against us.

hee hee hee, silly devil.

luv u guys!

From: Shadow-Zone
So I ended up sleeping 13 hours or so..... woke up to my phone ringing and I probably would have slept another few hours if it hadn't.... which would have meant I missed work at the data center.

I think my body has hit the point where it's saying "screw you, bob. You need to rest" .... and it's right.... but there is so much going on... I feel that if I do take time to relax it's just going to create more stress for me later.

I really have had entirely too much going on.... amazingly the primary problems are not at all related to my job.... actually, they aren't even related to relationships. However, I'd have to say that having people around me that were true friends would really make things better..... eh, anyway -- I need a break.... but I don't see one coming anytime soon.


Thursday, February 22, 2007

So yesterday a really good friend of mine told me that he was going to be leaving his job. Naturally I asked him what he has going to do and he said "I don't really know. I just know this is the right thing for me and my family. I guess I'm just doing a Bob Mertz".... That was really awesome to hear because in some way I feel like I was a testimony to him. He knows God will take care of him.

I like to believe that I am making impacts on this world - especially after the last 4 or 5 days. It has been incredible the amount of stuff that has gone wrong for me.... I really have been feeling like I was cursed because just about everything I touched has broken. I also have been struggling with the fact that there seems to be no one around me to support me.... hearing that in some ways I actually am ministering to others is about the only thing that can keep me going.

I have also noticed something in watching some drama unfold in the lives of people around me.... When your stress level goes up, you forget how to appreciate the things that some people do to help. In so many cases, these situations take our eyes off of God and put them on the things we are worried about.... sometimes these things are what we're doing FOR God.

I am as guilty as the next person in getting caught up in the work that God is doing that I forget that the relationship with God is more important than the works. I have witnessed this happen in so many cases recently. I have seen entire organizations get so caught up in the project that they completely miss the mission.... and worse yet, they forget the people that make the project and the mission possible. It is true that God provides the workers but if we aren't appreciating that gift isnt that the same as saying God has not provided well enough for us -- or even that God is not capable of managing the project.

I believe that God trusts each and every person with something very important. I once had a teacher that used to work for the CIA and had numerous clearances and he explained how each person had their task but no one knew the whole story..... each person was trusted to handle their own little part. I imagine if anyone found out more information than they should have known, things would have got interesting. It's the same with the body of Christ. If we think we can handle the entire thing, then what do we need God for? Maybe this isnt what we believe but it is often how we act.

Are we doing our part and only our part? Are we appreciating the gifts that God has given us - especially the people? Are we letting God control the situation and letting Him guide us? These are questions we need to ask ourselves daily.... otherwise, all we are doing is getting in God's way.

Monday, February 19, 2007

In some strange way, I'm relaxed right now.... yet, at the same time, I somehow feel frustrated as well... I guess I'm just hitting the point again that I start to feel like I am really all alone in this world.... I have a lot to offer and I really believe that I am a great person to some people.... but I'm only great until someone or something else comes along... Then I'm only a great person when I have something to offer someone and at the same time people interpret me as not needing emotional support... and not needing to be asked how things are going.... someone who doesn't need to have a shoulder to cry on both tangibly and intangibly....

I think some of it I probably am bringing on myself... I mean, I'm not the great person in the world... I have my share of sin and I guess to be honest, I don't deserve to live... thankfully, God's Grace covered that.... but I just have to wonder when (if ever) I will find that one person that I will know that I can fully trust to always care for me and that I will have the same ability to care for that person.... not just to be someone who is a great person until the next greatest thing comes but I want to be someone who is great in the eyes of someone else that no one greater can come along....

But then again, I'm setting the standards for myself too high, I guess... I'm not a perfect person so what do I have that would make me greater than anyone else in someone's eyes?

With all those things on my mind, I don't understand how I still feel pretty relaxed... maybe it's because my physical body isn't giving me an option but to relax... these last few days have consumed quite a bit of me....
Speaking of satellite radio....

XM and Sirius announce merger

Very interesting stuff.... Not sure how I feel about this. Competition is usually an important thing but in this case, I dont know how long either company could survive independantly. Both have been having issues because the cost of maintaining the satellite infrastructure is extremely expensive.... if they could both share the same infrastructure and gain the entire user base then they could become profitable.

Guess we'll see what happens....
Finally finished disaster recovery.... Now I can relax and enjoy the rest of my weekend.... oh... wait :)

Despite all of the problems.... the freaking onslaught of problems.... I did have fun in a way..... I think it's funny how someone can attack you or your property and the whole time God had been working out something amazing that couldn't have happened any other way.

..... someday I'm sure I'll say that when I meet my wife.... but for now, it's cool to be happening with computers and animals!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

I am either a really really horrible person or something really really cool is going to happen. I have dealt with more stuff going wrong in the last few days than I have in a long time. Yesterday my sammy broke down and left me stuck in the center lane of 28 (a six lane highway for those not in va).... this morning im having some real server nightmares that have shut new life down for a bit... and now im sitting eating wondering what to do about the flat tire that was just discovered on my elantra.

Oh but there is good news.... God has shown that he is taking care of these situations and Im going to be left a much stronger person..... so I'll get through it :)

Friday, February 16, 2007

No more satellite radio for me. Last year XM dropped their Christian Rock station on me and as a result I moved to Sirius because they had an awesome Christian Rock station.... today I received the email from Sirius announcing their new and "better" channel line-up.... and in there I see the words "If you liked Sirius 067, please try The Spirit on channel 066" .... that was enough for me.... I literally payed the monthly price for Sirius for one station and they took it away from me. Then, of course, they tried to talk me into staying by giving me a free month... but why bother? There is no point to me paying the $12 a month if it's not something I can use. Anything else I would consider listening to can be found on FM for free....

There are really no words to describe how upset this makes me.... quite honestly, I felt like crying..... This leaves me with absolutely NO source for Christian rock in my car.... other than bringing my iPod or CDs.... no way of listening to new music tho....


Thursday, February 15, 2007

It doesn't matter how tired you are - when there is a lot going through your mind, its really tough to fall asleep.

It's really bugging me that everything I do or say to try to help someone seems to just piss people off. I say things a lot for the sole purpose of trying to get someone to think and try to help someone but no matter what, it seems to backfire.... no one else in this world seems to think like me and I hate it because who do I have to help or help me? And to top things off, after only a few times of me upsetting someone because I care, I end up being expected to fail.

I wish that I could help people more... but most of all, I wish people would take the time to look at my heart before jumping to conclusions and leaving me in tears. Maybe I will always screw up.... But does that mean that everytime something goes wrong, Im the one and only person who screwed up.

One thing tho.... it seems God has been really teaching me why bad things happen to good people.... and I suppose the only way to really learn is to have bad things happen... assuming that I really am a good person.....

And so another worthless holiday ends.... while I did get an interesting surprise, I guess it wasn't all positive.... *sigh*

Time to go to bed and end it for now.....

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I wonder what the chances are that something really cool will happen to me tomorrow and break the cycle of valentine's day being the worst day of my year.... ok, I can't really say that.... but honestly, aside from one valentine's day when Tiff and I went out to dinner, they have all been pretty crappy....

The good news for the day is that I am feeling slightly better. Last night I was not feeling well at all.... this morning when I woke up, the same was true.... I decided to just relax today until I went to the data center..... being able to just veg and do nothing was really a good thing for me.

Oh, and the snow is BEAUTIFUL!

There really isn't much else to report.... Happy Singles Awareness Day to everyone tomorrow.... Maybe my future wife will walk into the store tomorrow? *sigh* Really, I just would like any kind of a nice surprise.... just something to let me know that someone is actually thinking of me.... but I'm not keeping my hopes up.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Im not feeling all that great today.... both physically and emotionally. There are a few things going through my mind.

One of the first things is trying, again, to figure out where my balance is. Over and over again I get screwed because Im entirely too nice. I will give and give until I have nothing left and then those that I give to are nowhere around when I need help with something. I need to learn to say no but my fear in that is that I end up compromising who I really am because I am really proud of who I am.

The second thing that is really getting to me is how easy it is for people to let go of me. Its exceptionally hard because I really constantly feel like I'm not worth anything to anyone. I do, often, feel that if I died there would be no one that would miss me. So many people have actually made me feel like I was worth something and all of a sudden they just completely dissappeared.... Tiff, Kim, Ashley, etc, etc.... those are just the most recent ones.... Just dissappeared.... not even a message to see how I am..... Usually when people like that do come back it's not even a "hey, how are you?" but rather a "hey, could you (fill in the blank)?".....

I dont know.... I feel like a random idiot who just wanders around and makes no impact on anyone.... at least not positive.... *sigh*

Friday, February 09, 2007

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Apparently HP doesnt want to be left out of the "shooting yourself in the foot" game.... The RIAA has been doing entirely too well at that game and HP is stepping up to the plate:

HP Pressuring Retailers to Not Sell Cheap Ink

While I'm here, kudos to Kodak!

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

How freaking hard is it for airlines to keep things straight? After nearly 3 hours at Dulles International, I *finally* have the fish that landed at 12:05..... Literally, they lost them.... and IAD isnt exactly small!... and its not like living animals can just wait until they are found. Oh well.... they are in my car now and boy does a lot of work wait for me when I get back to the store....
I have to take this space to apologize to PennDOT. While you may make life misserable by poorly planned construction and not understand how roads are to be built, I did not realize how horrible other places are when it comes to taking care of winter road conditions. Thank you for understanding the need of using multiple snow plows for each few miles of road. Most of all, thank you for realizing that while salt may, in fact, eat away at your cars paint, that paint job is no good when you go sliding into another car.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

jodi: http://seattle.craigslist.org/kit/rfs/274387511.html
jodi: this house has ... the myspace angles
jodi: i'm still dizzy from those pictures
So whats going on? This is the short story but basically I will be working full time for Fox Mill Pets and working full time for Pinogy (the owner's other company that does software development for independant pet retailers).... And no, this does not mean 80 hours a week because Ill be "on the clock" for both companies at the same time. Essentially, its a work around.... My total salary will be more than what I am making right now which is something that just shocks me..... This is incredible for me because it lets me work with a passion of mine (aquariums), lets me stay involved with tech, and pays my bills. I really could not be happier right now!

There are, of course, some concerns (unrelated) such as my taxes that are due in April (thousands.... sigh) and the search for a new place to live..... but on the place to live part, there are some really cool things going on there too!

Sooooo...... Im happy with 2007 so far :)

Sunday, February 04, 2007

I have really been missing a really big point. For over 10 years I have been trying to find "my place".... where God wants me and where I can be effective for God. Its been me knowing that God wants me for ministry and me trying to figure out where in ministry that is.... Ransom Network, New Life, Teen Quest.... I embrace or embraced all of these things as tho they were "my place" but now Im learning that the reality of the situation is that it really is God's place.... see, Ive been trying to say that I was cut out as the main course.... prime rib.... or whatever. The thing is, while I have been wanting to serve God, I've been missing the point.... In Matthew we are told that we are the salt of the earth.... I never have collected all of these thoughts and combined. See, it's not about my place.... its about taking the place where I am at and making it taste better. Thats what salt is all about... it makes things taste better.... and thats what I am supposed to be doing.... I need to take each day and make it taste better to the lives of others.

Constantly, things in my life rapidly change... and people say I need to be more stable.... but the only way that I can be more stable in the world's eyes is to ignore what God has for me next.... it would mean ignoring that each day is a day tha God gave me.... it would mean using that day for what the world thinks is "my place" and, thus, ignore that Im only supposed to make it taste better for others.

Why are these things in my life changing again? Quite simply, there is a new place that needs flavor.... there is a new place that God needs me to help.... and Ill be the flavor of that place until God moves me to another one, if He so desires.

Man, there is some real cool things going on...... Stay tuned :)

Aside from those cool things, tonight was a great night in general. If you havent gone to see Night at the Museum, you need to. It was absolutely great. Charlotte and I went to see it tonight and then hung out afterwards. It's kind of neat getting to know people from other cultures (she's from France).... Of course, for me, it's just nice being around people in general....

After I dropped Charlotte off, I came home and for the first time in a long while Evan, Rob, and myself, were all home.... we watched some TV and it was really great to just be able to hang out with them too.

So needless to say, I'm in a really good mood tonight! New friends and new job.... erm... oh yea, those details are for another day, huh? :)

Saturday, February 03, 2007

This is cool and scary.... I'm gonna have to try it now, of course....
KC Police Seek Answers in Case of Arrested Woman Who Miscarried

... and in the WTF files. Isnt a police escort to the hospital a good way to find out if the woman is lying or not? People are stupid and apparently there is no exemptions for law enforcement.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

""Animals don't care if you can't have small talk about the weather," she says. "There's just not as much anxiety as there is with human interactions, so you can really connect.""

I'm finding myself more and more of a pet lover which is to be expected since I work at a pet store.... but there are some things going on in my head that's kind of questioning some things. I watch people come in to the store and spend lots of money on their pets.... heck, I do it myself.... Sometimes I wonder if Lisa is spoiled.... and at the same time, I wonder if Lisa is the replacement for something that I don't have in the human world....

I see how much the pet industry has grown and how much of a business it is.... and it is an honorable business -- at least as long as your respectable in the caring of the animals rather than a pure focus of making money. At the same time, there is no secret that our world is in a moral decay.... hurting people left and right.... broken friendships and relationships.... Maybe this explains the stereo typical "cat lady" who is a single woman who has no one around there except lots of cats....

The quote above is from an article in Psychology Today about Asperger's. It's basically a form of autism but I think what is really interesting is that people with Asperger's drift away from many "normal" scenarios simply because no one understands them and they fear being mocked -- often times, it's a learned response from people actually mocking the person. The thing that I find most interesting about Asperger's is that a lot of the symptoms paint a vivid picture of things that I think everyone is experiencing... and, at the same time, I recognize a lot of symptoms in my own brain that I think may be things that most people don't portray. Interestingly enough, many symptoms bleed into the ADHD classification.

When God created man, He decided that man needed a suitable helper.... God created the need for friendships and He made us emotional beings who long for and need interaction with others. In today's world, we keep taking more and more focus off of people and putting it on things that really will not matter that much.... ultimately, we even take the focus off of ourselves and, before you know it, we are all caught up in how much money we're making or raising and how well we have done or how well our companies have done. Even those who make or raise money to help others seem to lose sight of who they are working for....

I think it's quite interesting that before God created woman, he brought all of the other species before Adam and found that none of them were suitable for him.... This means that the dogs, cats, birds, fish, etc that God brought before Adam do not Biblically meet our needs as companions. They *ARE* great companions and there is a lot of research that shows that pets are healthy to have.... but the important thing is that we do not REPLACE human interaction with our pets.

.... It kind of makes me wonder if God has me in a pet store because it's a great collaboration of people who need help -- and people that I can connect with?

Article Referenced: The Girl With a Boys Brain - Psychology Today