Thursday, May 20, 2004

So Tiff called me tonight..... she hung up a few seconds later tho. Can you say TICKED OFF? If you pick up the phone to call someone you generally call to talk..... but apparently she just wanted to hang up on me again..... I guess she gets a thrill out of that or something..... whatever...... Ive tried to email her a couple times too.... guess she blocked my email address or changed hers or something.... no luck there.... which makes me wonder why she even called me. gosh im so upset... if she wanted to talk to me... why didnt she talk?! Now of course my mind is going again.... gotta get up at 5am but I betcha I wont be able to sleep.

Oh yea and more family crap too..... came home to my mom crying...... things are just out of control.... 1> I'm not taking any sides right now and 2> I cant share anything here :(

Ok... bad night.... bed time.... I hope to God I can sleep......

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

I'm happy.... I'm very happy! :) Someone is really making me feel special.... more than I have had in a VERY long time!

Sunday, May 16, 2004

Last night I had yet another Tiff-related dream. This one took on a new twist, however. Somehow Tanya and I were at a store and we ran into Tiff. Tiff and I talked for a few mins and we both connected again. We looked deep into each other's eyes... we were ready to kiss... and we both knew we were back together again. I was very happy. I couldnt believe that my dreams were coming true again.... but then she said something. I cant remember the word for word of what she said but she denied that she did anything wrong. She wouldnt take any blame for what happened. Basically she said that it was not her that threw it away. At that moment I looked at Tanya and said "lets go" ... and we left..... I walked away from Tiff again.

Now who is Tanya? Tanya is quickly becoming a very good friend of mine. Her and her almost 4 year old boy, Eli. Over the last week I have spent alot of time with them... and I have enjoyed every moment of it. Tanya has been going through alot of the same stuff that I have. Her ex-husband Chris did very similar stuff to her that Tiff did to me. Its become a very nice release for both of us. We enjoy our time together, talk about our problems, and we have fun doing it. Where is this going? Dont ask that yet.... I dont know. Truth is, im not over Tiff.... the other truth is that Tanya is not over Chris. Im just going to put this in God's hands. I dont know where it will end up.... I actually have to see what Tiff will do in the next few weeks. She has called my mom a couple times. I guess this is just her time to show me how much I meant to her.... I'm not expecting much tho.... Im feeling stronger and stronger each day that Tiff never really did love me. When you love someone you sometimes do put them through pain..... but not what she did to me. And especially not multiple times.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Date me and get a free phone.....

Well, thats at least what they told me I should run in my personal ad. I still dont know what to do with that cell phone.... we'll figure it out.

"Happy Birthday, Bob. Tiff is here to see you. She wants to be with you forever. She will not hurt you again, and she's got this special day all planned out for you" -- Ok, so yea.... it's VERY wishful thinking.... in about a week, I guess I would like to hear that....

Reality tho.... I dont think Tiff wants me back. She left all of this go way to easily.... if she was able to let go of me that easily, there is no way she would want me back.

Would I take her back? I know, I know..... but the answer is... yes...... I love her that much... I love her so much that I would risk being hurt again. HOWEVER... if... and I say IF it does come to that.... there will be some MAJOR demands that I make.... if she loves me, she'll want to follow them. Honestly tho, I'm preparing myself for that to never happen. She wont want to come back..... if she does she wont make the move.... and if she does make the move, she wont want to work with me on my demands.... therefore, I will continue to date other girls like I have been....

Why am I writing this now? I gotta get up at 5:30am.... and I cant sleep..... but yet im tired! *sigh*

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Ok world.... SHUT UP! You were right, I was wrong. I thought Tiff loved me unconditionally.... I was wrong.. you were right.... she didnt love me at all. I am learning my lesson.... I am hurting a bit but I have learned. Please just stop rubbing it in. I shouldnt have stood up for her like I did... I shouldnt have put all of that at risk... but I did.... I'm glad I gave her the chance... I feel better that I did.... I now know I was wrong.... I'll get through this..... just quit rubbing it in... she didnt love me.... I now know that!
Its starting to get annoying that I simply can not close my eyes without seeing Tiff's face.... and I sure as heck cant sleep without at least having one dream about her. The fact is that I can not live with out her.... the other fact is that Im going to have to learn how.

I still cant understand how she could decide to just throw all of this away. We both put so much into this relationship and both wanted this so badly. I dont understand how one day she can wake up and just say its not what she wants. Something else had to happen... I just wish she would tell me what that was. Often times the thing that hurts worse is not knowing why.

I had an appt with Dr. Gaul yesterday. We adjusted my medicine a bit.... hopefully this will help some. I'm trying so hard to piece my life back together. This is not an easy process. I have never put so much into a relationship.... I have never loved anyone like I loved Tiffany.... but I have to realize that that is behind me. I have to accept the fact that Tiff threw it all away. It hurts like hell.... but I have to do it.

Sunday, May 09, 2004

Something just isnt right. This is the last text message that I got from Tiff. This was on May 5th at 8:30p. How can I get this and then just a few days later she wants to throw everything away?

"Good night my sweetie. I love you too. Sweetest of dreams. I love you so much, he he. I love that feeling I get just sitting and thinking of us. It lets me know how bright our future is. Sorry I'm rambling, goodnight."

I just dont get it. Not at all :(

I'm not doing well.... please continue to pray for me.

Saturday, May 08, 2004

I am still in a state of shock. Tiff and I had worked so hard to work through so many problems. We were there. We were perfect.... everything was worked. And we did a lot of work to get there. I cant believe in one day's time she decided to throw it all away. All the we did. I wasted so much of my life on a girl who really never loved me. I dont care how much she tells me now that she does love me..... I cant believe it. It's just not possible to love someone as much as she did and then cause me to walk away without a single shred of effort to keep it alive. I just can not believe that she decided to throw all of this away. It looks like she built me up just so she could completely crush my heart again. I can not believe she just went through so much trouble just to break my heart. A couple people have already said that we will get back together. I dont know if this is possible. If it is, it will be a miracle. I dont know how I could ever trust some as cold hearted as that again. Some of the last words that Tiff ever said to me were "I do love you".... its like she had to say that just to dump a little extra salt in my wounds.

Years ago my heart was shattered. Then I started school and met this girl named Tiffany. She came into my life and started teaching me some things. She then started to put my heart back together. She worked very hard at that. She messed up a few times, lost a few pieces but then worked to find them and put them in the right place again. In December she accidently dropped what she had been working on and shattered my heart again. After that she realized that I really needed help and she worked extremely hard to put those pieces back together again. She had my heart complete. She worked on it very hard. She built me up for a time she had planned on my birthday. I thought that that was going to be one of the best days of my life. There was but one piece missing from my heart. She had found that piece. She held that piece in her hand but a couple days ago, she couldnt figure out where it went. Instead of working on finding it, for some reason she gave up and dropped my heart on the ground again and left it in most pieces than it had ever been in. Without any real explanation she made me take the broom, sweep up those pieces and leave. I did so. Now the only times that I feel good are the times that I rely on my mind and not on my heart. I am a person who always relys more on my heart than my mind..... it's one of the things that I have been proud of. But now, any time I rely on my heart, I am reminded of how many pieces that heart is in because I have relied on it entirely too much. I relied on that heart to stay with Tiffany because I started to really believe she could put my heart back together and make me a complete person. Unfortunately the parts of my mind that told me she was going to hurt me again, the exact parts that Tiffany made me ignore, were correct.

I dont know where I go from here. I close my eyes at night and I see her face. I have slept three times since we broke up and in each case I had a dream about her coming back to me. I saw IM window after IM window pop on me screen saying "I'm sorry.... I want you back" .... but is it ever going to be a reality? And if it will be, should it be? Where do I go and what do I do? I have worked so hard for something.... harder than I have ever worked for something in my life.... and it has dissappeared. I am pretending to be ok.... but I'm not. Everyone tells me I am strong enough to get through this. I've been through this before. Well, the truth is.... no, I havent. I have never been through this. I've been through similar but I have never seen someone pretend to love so well and then watch it all dissappear without any kind of warning at all. Will I get through this? Probably.... eventually. The truth is I am not well. Nor will I be for quite some time.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

I havent blogged in a while.... and dont really have time now... but here is a chat log that will pretty much explain my night.

05-06 [21:55] bobkmertz: I thought we both wanted this
05-06 [21:55] bobkmertz: but I guess we were wrong
05-06 [21:56] Tiffs Wolf Dance: ...I'm such a wreck
05-06 [21:56] Tiffs Wolf Dance: I can't take this
05-06 [21:56] bobkmertz: ok we're done tiff
05-06 [21:56] bobkmertz: we're done
05-06 [21:56] bobkmertz: your phone is shut off... its useless to you.... send it back
05-06 [21:56] bobkmertz: if your not going to talk
05-06 [21:56] bobkmertz: I cant keep fighting
05-06 [21:58] bobkmertz: "I love you Bobby - we can do it!"
05-06 [21:58] bobkmertz: can we?
05-06 [21:58] bobkmertz: well we can
05-06 [21:58] bobkmertz: but will we?
05-06 [21:58] bobkmertz: will you?
05-06 [21:58] Tiffs Wolf Dance: I do love you
05-06 [21:58] bobkmertz: oh?
05-06 [21:59] Tiffs Wolf Dance: how AM I TO TAKE THE PRESSURE
05-06 [21:59] bobkmertz: jims in the picture again?
05-06 [21:59] Tiffs Wolf Dance: this has nothing to do with jim
05-06 [21:59] bobkmertz: what does it then?
05-06 [21:59] bobkmertz: you wont tell me?
05-06 [21:59] bobkmertz: I can only assume
05-06 [21:59] Tiffs Wolf Dance: I'm under so much pressure
05-06 [22:00] Tiffs Wolf Dance: hold on, your mom
05-06 [22:00] bobkmertz: my poor mom
05-06 [22:13] bobkmertz: I didnt realize I put so much pressure on you
05-06 [22:13] bobkmertz: Im sorry.... I'll leave
05-06 [22:13] bobkmertz: I just wish you would have come to me when I did
05-06 [22:13] bobkmertz: ..... so we're back to ignoring me? :(
05-06 [22:13] Tiffs Wolf Dance: I've tried
05-06 [22:14] bobkmertz: ok tiff
05-06 [22:14] bobkmertz: this is the last conversation that we will have.... if we are going to break up, I am going to do it the right way......
05-06 [22:14] bobkmertz: just make sure you send my phone back to me
05-06 [22:14] bobkmertz: I wish you the best of luck
05-06 [22:15] bobkmertz: God has someone for you
05-06 [22:15] bobkmertz: and someone for me
05-06 [22:15] bobkmertz: we'll find them
05-06 [22:15] bobkmertz: I guess Tiffany Mertz just wasnt meant to be
05-06 [22:15] bobkmertz: ok then
05-06 [22:15] bobkmertz: goodbye
05-06 [22:16] bobkmertz: :(
05-06 [22:16] Tiffs Wolf Dance: :'(
05-06 [22:16] bobkmertz: I guess I couldnt even get a goodbye
05-06 [22:16] Tiffs Wolf Dance: Goodbye Bobby.....
05-06 [22:16] bobkmertz: can you send my phone back tomorrow?
05-06 [22:16] Tiffs Wolf Dance: :'(
05-06 [22:17] Tiffs Wolf Dance: ..... not tomorrow
05-06 [22:17] bobkmertz: this weekend?
05-06 [22:17] Tiffs Wolf Dance: i'll do my best
05-06 [22:18] bobkmertz: I need it within a week
05-06 [22:18] Tiffs Wolf Dance: ..ok
05-06 [22:18] bobkmertz: maybe IM lori and see if she can pick it up
05-06 [22:19] bobkmertz: after this, I do not want you to IM me or call me......
05-06 [22:19] bobkmertz: if you want to find out about me
05-06 [22:19] bobkmertz: call my mom
05-06 [22:19] bobkmertz: my mom will be there for you
05-06 [22:19] bobkmertz: I cant be
05-06 [22:20] bobkmertz: I wish things were different.... I wish we were getting married liek you.... lied about?
05-06 [22:20] bobkmertz: Id unno
05-06 [22:20] bobkmertz: but anyway
05-06 [22:20] bobkmertz: you've closed that book
05-06 [22:20] bobkmertz: and so will I
05-06 [22:20] bobkmertz: goodbye Tiff
05-06 [22:48] bobkmertz: please change your profile
05-06 [23:13] bobkmertz: I cant believe you did this to me
05-06 [23:13] *** Auto-response from Tiffs Wolf Dance: :'(
05-06 [23:13] bobkmertz: and I wish I could just keep my mouth shut
05-06 [23:13] bobkmertz: but I cant
05-06 [23:14] bobkmertz: two days ago you wanted me to change your phone number so you could stay closer to me
05-06 [23:14] bobkmertz: then this
05-06 [23:14] bobkmertz: I dont understand you tiff
05-06 [23:15] bobkmertz: I dont understand why you do this to me
05-06 [23:15] bobkmertz: I dont understand why you lie about caring
05-06 [23:15] bobkmertz: I dont understand why you wouldnt even just let me talk to you
05-06 [23:15] bobkmertz: I dont understand why you gave my friends a reason to shove everything they ever said in my face
05-06 [23:15] bobkmertz: and why now I have to say I was wrong about everything I ever stood up for you about
05-06 [23:16] bobkmertz: I dont understand why you let me give speeches to everyone about how well we were doing
05-06 [23:16] bobkmertz: how you said things were so much better in the last few weeks
05-06 [23:16] bobkmertz: when really, inside, you hated being with me
05-06 [23:17] bobkmertz: I dont understand why you said you wanted to marry me when really you couldnt handle the pressure that I guess I put on you as a boyfriend
05-06 [23:17] bobkmertz: I dont understand why when before when I tried to break up with you for the sake of you you wouldnt let me beacuse you said you needed me..... when really I *WAS* causing problems
05-06 [23:18] bobkmertz: I cant understand this
05-06 [23:18] bobkmertz: I cant understand why you lie
05-06 [23:18] bobkmertz: and why you hurt
05-06 [23:18] bobkmertz: the person you say/said you love
05-06 [23:19] bobkmertz: and I know you sit there reading this
05-06 [23:19] bobkmertz: and I know that you just want to ignore me
05-06 [23:19] bobkmertz: and pretend that I never exsisted
05-06 [23:19] bobkmertz: and I know that your going to call jim tomorrow and your going to spend all weekend together
05-06 [23:20] bobkmertz: it happened before the day before you got to see Jim every day
05-06 [23:20] bobkmertz: and now its another day where you will soon be with Jim every day
05-06 [23:20] bobkmertz: and it happens again
05-06 [23:20] bobkmertz: its gotta be more than coincidence
05-06 [23:20] bobkmertz: even when you go back to school next year and want to get back with me, I understand that when Christmas break comes again, the same thing will happen so you can spend it with jim