Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Google at work on desktop Linux
Group hopeful new justice will uphold Constitution and protect preborn children

WASHINGTON, D.C. — David Bereit, executive director of American Life League, issued the following statement regarding the confirmation of Samuel Alito as justice to the U.S. Supreme

"We are extremely hopeful that the confirmation of Samuel Alito will lead to a greater protection of all human life including innocent children at risk of losing their lives to abortion.
Justice Alito's confirmation to the nation's highest court offers pro-life Americans reason for hope and optimism about the future. His record suggests that he will help to ensure justice for all Americans – born and preborn.

"Justice Alito's confirmation was not an easy victory, but pro-lifers worked tirelessly to ensure that the tragedy of abortion was a focal point throughout the confirmation process.
Prior to the vote in the Senate Judiciary Committee, ALL representatives delivered thousands of petitions signed by citizens across the country calling for the approval of Judge Alito. Efforts like this were crucial in helping to assure Justice Alito's confirmation.

"Pro-life Americans are praying that Justice Alito will live up to his promise, and uphold a strict interpretation of constitutional law – not legislate from the bench. There is nothing in the United States Constitution that gives anyone a right to kill an innocent human person, by abortion or any other means, and we are hopeful that Justice Alito will recognize that reality in all abortion related decisions that come before him on our nation's highest court."
So I wanted to wake up at 9:30.... yea, that didnt happen. So much to do.... and I'm already so incredibly emotionally and physically drained. I'm sore all over and I still have to do some more work on getting stuff into my room. I just finally woke up.... and I wish I could go back to bed.

Monday, January 30, 2006

PLEASE stop asking me to do stuff for a while.....please.... I can't do much more..... I want to relax for a little... Is that too much to ask?
More than football
This appeared in The Pittsburgh Post Gazette on January 25, 2005

What's the big deal about Steeler football? Being a Steeler fan means so much more than football. It means being from a corner of the world unlike any other. It means being from a place where the people are so tough-minded that they have survived the Homestead strikes and the Johnstown flood. These people have the DNA of hard work, in mills and mines, without the necessity of complaint. They live simply, with no frills. They don't have movie stars or fancy cars. Instead, they have simple traditions like kielbasa and Kennywood. They live in distinctive neighborhoods like Polish Hill and the Hill District. These people are genuine. They don't have chic internet cafes and cappuccinos, but they have The Original Hot Dog joint and Iron City Beer. People from Pittsburgh don't have sunny beaches or fancy boats, but the rivers roll gently, connecting the small towns of people whose histories have been built on strength and humility. People from Pittsburgh don't have the biggest shopping malls or the best nightclubs, but they'll take Friday night high school football and Steeler Sunday over anything. Steeler football means so much more than you think. It symbolizes a diaspora of generations who had the best childhood they could imagine. They ran free without a care or concern in the valleys of those Allegheny mountains. Their blue-collar world was easy ... there was no one to tell them that they lacked material things. There was no one to tell them that they needed more. As the steel mills closed and the jobs disappeared, some of these people had to leave. While the world benefits because they spread their Pittsburgh values, they long for their home where things were simpler and more pure. They teach their kids about Jack Lambert and Joe Greene in hopes of departing not just the knowledge, but the feeling that they represented. They are everywhere, those Terrible Towels. They wave, not just for the team, but for the hearts they left behind. They wave in living rooms in Fort Lauderdale and in the bars D.C. They wave all the way to the Seattle Superdome! They wave for the Rooney family, whose values mirror our own - loyalty, grit, and humility. They wave for football players like Jerome Bettis and Hines Ward, whose unselfishness and toughness have allowed sports to be about the game and the team. Make no mistake that Steeler football is not just about football.

Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

So I didnt go to church today.... Thought about calling everyone and seeing if I could meet them for lunch but a few weeks ago when I was down and went to lunch I brought everyone else down and it was very clear that I did that... so I didnt want to do it again.

Honestly tho.... I'm kinda even more frustrated now. Why cant people be proactive? I mean.... why all of a sudden today is everyone trying to talk to me and getting pissed off that I dont know what to say or how to respond or even how I feel? I'm out of it... I'm here now and I'm screwed up. Can't people be my friend before I end up being a psychotic asshole? Sure, I'd love to talk to people today but I honestly dont know what to say... I dont know how I feel right now, other than feeling like crap. I've got too much to deal with and there isnt anyone that really cares about it.

Oh well.... at least its only like 5 miles from my old apartment to the parking lot and I should be able to carry everything left out in... oh, around 5 million trips.... Sure, I can look at the bright side that it could be 10 miles.... but really.... I tore my body up yesterday carrying stuff.... oh, wait.... I'm superhuman.... I forgot.... yea, today should be no problem at all.

Dont try to reach me today... All I'll do is upset you and all you'll do is interupt me from doing crap that I need to get done.
I dont feel good at all... i guess this happens when you beat your body up physically all day while not eating all day either..... and I get to do it again tomorrow too... all by myself of course :(

Saturday, January 28, 2006

"Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you."
Gotta change my answering machine Now that im alone
Cuz right now it says that we
Cant come to the phone
And I know it makes no sence
Cuz you walked out the door
But its the only way i hear your voice anymore
(its ridiculous)
Its been months
And for some reason i just
(cant get over us)
And im stronger then this
(enough is enough)
No more walkin round
With my head down
Im so over being blue
Cryin over you

And im so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said im so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why cant i turn off the radio?

Gotta fix that calender i have
Thats marked July 15th
Because since theres no more you
Theres no more anniversary
Im so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be

Thats the reason im so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said im so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why cant i turn off the radio?

(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone
(Stupid love songs)
Dont make me think about her smile
Or having my first child
Let it go
Turning off the radio

Cuz im so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said im so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why cant i turn off the radio?
(why cant i turn off the radio?)

Said im so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said im so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why cant i turn off the radio?
(why cant i turn off the radio?)

And im so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishin you were still here
Said im so sick of love songs so sad and slow
Why cant i turn off the radio?
(why cant i turn off the radio?)
Why cant i turn off the radio?

"So Sick" by Ne-Yo
This is great stuff.... I'm glad to see I'm not the only one that hates Best Buy :)

Best Buy Working Towards Ending Mail-In Rebates

My favorite comment post:

  • guess this means Best Buy doesn't hate their customers after all.
  • Sure they do.
  • Best-Buy is computerizing their "Who to Hate" process. The best part is that it's opt-in. When you file a rebate, you opt-in!

Truly, Best Buy is an evil company.... I wish more people had Google's company motto of "Don't Be Evil" and actually follow it the way they do. *sigh* ... in a perfect world ...

Thursday, January 26, 2006

This week I have learned more stuff about the truth of what is going on in so many situations.... stuff that I shouldnt know, but one way or another was revealed to me.... this stuff that may be better that I know it for the long run but right now, I just wish I didnt know it. Things with some friends and some things with work, etc, etc.... things that I really wish I could blog about but I cant....

Please keep me in your prayers that God would lead me in the right directions.

I love how money is never an issue for all of the toys that the big guys want to play with but when a sub-$100 item would make the little guy's life a whole hell of a lot easier, it can only be declared a waste of money....

*sigh* I hate corporate america.... I really really really do :(

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Nation Building - January 18, 2006
Scott Paulsen

In the 1980's, as the steel mills and their supporting factories shut down
from Homestead to Midland, Pittsburghers, faced for the first time in
their lives with the specter of unemployment, were forced to pick up their
families, leave their home towns and move to more profitable parts of the
country. The steel workers were not ready for this. They had planned to
stay in the 'burgh their entire lives. It was home.

Everyone I know can tell the same story about how Dad, Uncle Bob or their
brother-in-law packed a U-Haul and headed down to Tampa to build houses or
up to Boston for an office job

At this same time, during the early to mid-eighties, the
Pittsburgh Steelers were at the peak of their popularity. Following the
Super Bowl dynasty years, the power of the Steelers was strong. Every man,
woman, boy and girl from parts of four states were Pittsburgh faithful,
living and breathing day to day on the news of their favorite team. Then,
as now, it seemed to be all anyone talked about.

Who do you think the Steelers will take in the draft this year?

Is Bradshaw done?

Can you believe they won't give Franco the money - what's he
doing going to Seattle?

The last memories most unemployed steel workers had of their
towns had a black and gold tinge. The good times remembered all seemed to
revolve, somehow, around a football game. Sneaking away from your sister's
wedding reception to go downstairs to the bar and watch the game against
Earl Campbell and the Oilers - going to midnight mass, still half in the
bag after Pittsburgh beat Oakland - you and your grandfather, both crying at
the sight of The Chief, finally holding his Vince Lombardi Trophy.
And then, the mills closed.

Damn the mills.

One of the unseen benefits of the collapse of the value
systems our families believed in - that the mill would look after you
through thick and thin - was that now, decades later, there is not a town
in America where a Pittsburgher cannot feel at home. Nearly every city in the
United States has a designated "Black and Gold" establishment. From
Bangor, Maine to Honolulu, Hawaii, and every town in between can be found an oasis
of Iron City, chipped ham and yinzers. It's great to know that no matter
what happened in the lives of our Steel City refugees, they never forgot
the things that held us together as a city - families, food, and Steelers
. . . . It's what we call the Steeler Nation.

You see it every football season. And when the Steelers have
a great year, as they have had this season, the power of the Steeler Nation
rises to show itself stronger than ever. This week, as the Pittsburgh team
of Roethlisberger, Polamalu, Bettis and Porter head to Denver, the fans of
Greenwood, Lambert, Bleier and Blount, the generation who followed Lloyd,
Thigpen, Woodson and Kirkland will be watching from Dallas to Chicago,
from an Air Force base in Minot, North Dakota, to a tent stuck in the sand near
Fallujah, Iraq.

I have received more email from displaced Pittsburgh
Steelers fans this week than Christmas cards this holiday season.
. They're everywhere.
. . We're everywhere.
. . . We are the Steeler Nation.

And now, it's passing from one generation to the next. The
children of displaced Pittsburghers, who have never lived in the Steel
City, are growing up Steelers fans. When they come back to their parents'
hometowns to visit the grandparents, they hope, above all, to be blessed
enough to get to see the Steelers in person.

Heinz Field is their football Mecca.
And if a ticket isn't available, that's okay, too. There's
nothing better than sitting in Grandpa's living room, just like Dad did,
eating Grandma's cooking and watching the Pittsburgh Steelers.
. . . Just like Dad did.

So, to you, Steeler Nation, I send best wishes and a fond
wave of the Terrible Towel. To Tom, who emailed from Massachusetts to say how
great it was to watch the Patriots lose and the Steelers win in one
glorious weekend. To Michelle, from Milwaukee, who wrote to let me know it was she
who hexed Mike Vanderjagt last Sunday by chanting "boogity, boogity,
boogity" and giving him the "maloik". To Jack, who will somehow pull
himself away from the beach bar he tends in Hilo, Hawaii, to once again root for
the black and gold in the middle of the night (his time), I say, thanks for
giving power to the great Steeler Nation.

All around the NFL, the word is out that the Pittsburgh
Steeler fans "travel well", meaning they will fly or drive from Pittsburgh
to anywhere the Steelers play, just to see their team. The one aspect
about that situation the rest of the NFL fails to grasp is that, sometimes, the
Steeler Nation does not have to travel. Sometimes, we're already there.
Yes, the short sighted steel mills screwed our families over.
But they did, in a completely unintended way, create
something new and perhaps more powerful than an industry.

They helped created a nation: A Steeler Nation.
RIAA Says Merely Making Files Available Is Illegal
I'm happy to report that all fish made the move! All of my tropicals are now here with me in Herndon. I still have two betas and the fancy goldfish in Leesburg but they all have future homes. Thankfully, I'm just a few days away from being done with my Leesburg apartment and I wont be needing to run up there all the time anymore! :)
This is weird... I woke up randomly about 2 hours ago and I can not go back to sleep... I'm WIDE awake..... I dont understand it. I guess I'll use it to my advantage tho and get my fish moved.
Lemieux Retires from the Penguins

I am very proud of coming from Pittsburgh and I am certainly proud of the Steelers right now (couldn't tell, could ya?). But this truly is sad news for the city of Pittsburgh. The Pens have lost alot of attention in the past few years but I believe that Mario will remain in the hearts of Pittsburghers forever. Even if the Pens do leave Pittsburgh, the legend will live on.
Love was always supposed to be
Something wonderful to me
To watch it grow inside yourself
To feel your heart beside itself

Sometimes it hurts to love so bad
(when you know you've given all you can)
Sometimes it hurts to even laugh
(you do your best but still it's much too sad)
Sometimes the pain is just too much
And it hurts like hell
that's the way it feels

True love it has no hiding place
It's not something you just put away
It's always there inside of you
And It shows in everything you do

Sometimes it hurts to love so bad
(when you know you've given it your best)
Sometimes it hurts to even laugh
(you feel thousand miles from happiness)
Sometimes the pain is just too much
And it hurts like hell
that's the way it feels

Here we are the two of us
So full of love, so little trust
But dying for some tenderness
But too afraid to take the step

Sometimes it hurts to love so bad
(when you know what it can put you through)
Sometimes it hurts to even laugh
(there's nothing funny if it's killing you)
Sometimes the pain is just too much
And it hurts like hell
that's the way it feels

I know if there is any chance
For us to find out happiness
We've got to learn to let it go
Forget all the pain we know

Sometimes it hurts to love so bad
Sometimes it hurts to even laugh
Sometimes the pain is just too much
And it hurts like hell
that's the way it feels

"Hurts Like Hell" by Aretha Franklin

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

MPAA admits to unauthorized movie copying

This is by far the best news story to hit the planet. And please note that this is NOT a joke site.... this is a true report.
I have to say that my friend, Kim, truly is an amazing person. I'm at lunch with her and Jill (the disabled girl she cares for) and there are a lot of things on my mind but first and foremost is its amazing the strength and dedication that God has given to Kim. I know that I wouldn't be able to do it..... My prayer at this point is that when I find that girl that God for me, I pray she is like Kim.

I know, its sappy... But I really am amazed and I know that someone who can care for Jill might be able to tolerate me..... Maybe :)

kim... I know you read my blog so I just want to thank you for being you.
Did you ever get that moment when chills get sent down your spine... you feel like there is a presence in the room with you. You could swear the place was haunted.... but then you realize that that haunting is The Creator of the universe? Look back a couple posts.... you'll see it.... me questioning the isolation..... Not surprisingly, I had a couple people try to "correct" me over that post. This actually is a common place with my blog... something I've become acustomed to. I wrote that post not complaining but questioning. Why does it seem like I am isolated from my friends. Why am I isolated from the people that mean the most to me. I never believed for a second that my friends hated me or didnt care.... but I questioned why it seemed that way.... after all, it DID seem that way. But why? I knew it wasnt because they hated me... but why was this occuring....

So why is my room haunted now with The Creator? Because for the first time in a VERY long time, I actually picked up a book to start reading. Oddly enough, my pastor kinda threw this book at me on Sunday.... I dont read... not only does he tell me I need to look over this book but he shoves me the sequel to it. I'm like wtf.... Mike... I have 2 books sitting in my room now that I really want to read... "Just take it home and look it over... you can bring it back next week if you want" .... "No, Mike, it's ok... it looks interesting... I'll just bring money for the books next week" .... then I think to myself "ok, why not... I have plenty of books in my room that I'll never read but at least it makes me LOOK like I have good intentions".... So tonight I pick up this book? Why? Well, its obvious... my room is haunted. Thats why.

I * R E A D * T H I S :

The reply came: "David, as a boy, spent many cold and lonely nights alone with his sheep. It was then that he learned to hear my voice, You, my son, are not the first to have this sort of experience. There were countless nights when David found warmth and comfort in me and me alone. In that training period, David grew accustomed to the sound of my voice, just as his sheep had grown accustomed to his. He loved me and obeyed me." From God.Com by James Alexander Langteaux
Alone again again alone
Patiently waiting by the phone
Hoping that you will call me home
The pain inside my love denied
Hopes and dreams swallowed by pride
Everything I need it lies in you

From "Broken" by 12 Stones

Monday, January 23, 2006

There has to be a reason for this isolation, right? I mean, many people seem to want to know what's going on with me so there would have to be some really good reason they remain isolated from me..... Right?

honestly tho..... I don't get it.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

So you know what I miss about Tiff the most? The ability she had to know when I wasnt feeling right.... and more importantly, the courage to reach over and grab my hand or put her arm around me.... or even sometimes just kiss my cheek to let me know she was there for me. I could just be sitting anywhere next to her.... movie, church, you name it.... and she could just tell when my mind slipped away into a depressed state.... I remember multiple occasions of that.... When we were at The Passion of the Christ.... when we were driving back to Lock Haven from New Alex shortly after my grandfather passed away.... even sitting in Bentley.....

I was just thinking about this in church today.... and literally started crying because I missed it.... because I realized that she was the only person in my life that ever really gave a care that I was hurting.... or maybe others do too but just dont show it... the thing was, she showed it. And alot of times, I feel that sometimes people dont really care about me, they just do something because they are sick of dealing with me..... another thing going through my mind is something that I dont want to remember but I remember so well.... Shortly before moving to VA, I fell into a really depressed state and just started crying uncontrollably.... My parents couldnt deal with it.... and my mom just plain got pissed. I remember her grabbing me and looking me in the eye with a really mean look and saying "I'm tired of pussy footing around with you" .... now im not saying that my mom didnt care.... but I realize how much of a burden I have been to people around me and that I still am.... but the thing is.... in my life, Tiff has been the only one that never yelled at me about how much of ass I was.... she was the only person that had an idea that I couldnt control the way I was in those depressed states.... she realized that she couldnt do anything and the best thing should could do was just grab my hand and let me know she was there.

So yea, I miss Tiff.... I miss what I had when I had hurt. No doubt that I became too much for her as well and thats why she left me.... but at least she never attacked me for the things I couldnt control. I'll probably never have that again... and I guess that's just my loss.... but I do miss it, and most likely I always will.

I'll be in PA from Feb 4th till Feb 6th.... Anyone wanna join me?
Dive Big Ben, Dive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great play!

Sing along: Here we go, Steelers, here we go.... PITTSBURGHS GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Steelers Fever - An Open Letter To The Denver Broncos And Their Fans - By Neal Coolong:
As fans of the NFL, we congratulate you. We know the effort it takes to convert five Patriots turnovers into 24 points. And just like you, we'll overlook the fact two of those came on muffed punts and kicks. Todd Sauerbrun leads all NFL punters with forced fumbles for good reason. Every good returner in the game is subject to fumbling after being hit by the punter accused of using steroids.

We're in this position again, as you may or may not remember. Denver traveled to Pittsburgh for the AFC Championship game in 1997 - en route to your first Super Bowl win.

We would like to remind you of three things before this game: 1. No John Elway. 2. No Terrell Davis. 3. No Kordell Stewart.

We're sure you were happy as pigs in feces over the 'mighty' Colts losing to those lucky Steelers, but you should be reminded that Pittsburgh has won two consecutive playoff road games, and Invesco Field doesn't intimidate us one iota. Even Elway himself has said fans there are too busy eating cheese and drinking wine to make any noise that would trouble a visiting team.

Also, we are taking this moment to acknowledge a recent trend, where our opponents have to buy ad space in local newspapers and radio stations begg"
3-0, End of 1st Quarter ... GO STEELERS :)

I do have a lot on my mind but the Steelers are playing so my mind just stops and focuses on the Steelers..... We'll visit that later....

For now, again I say.... G O * S T E E L E R S ! ! ! !
T-12 mins

I'm at church and still in a good mood so I wanted to take the time to
say this: I am really thankful to have Keith as a friend. My belief is
tha God really opened a door to let me find such a great friend and now
room mate. I'm sure Keith doesn't believe it in the same fashion and
there is nothing wrong with that. The bottom line is I am very thankful
that Keith is such a great friend and source of encouragement.

I started writting this as a response to Keith's comment on my last post, but I felt it was better suited as a new post.

Actually, I rarely take the Xanax.... and taking the Xanax isnt to sleep when I do take it (for the most part). Yesterday was constant border of panic for me.... had a couple attacks yesterday.... and I just needed to relax my chest because it hurt like hell.... It was a nice side effect last night that it knocked me out but that wasnt why I took it.... Seriously, yesterday was the first time in at least 6 months that I took it with the exception of a couple days ago.... Dependencay is a fear of mine after watching what happened to my aunt so its not something I'm going to fall into.... so please dont worry about that. If I get to a point where I cant sleep, maybe I'll see about the Ambien.... but not being able to sleep hasnt been an issue.

As for not seeing how things can be so bad.... in all honesty, I dont either.... but the fact is that they are.. and when I say that they are,I mean that they are in my head. Truthfully, yes, there were a few things that hurt me yesterday.... and they were things that were justified.... the problem wasnt in them hurting me, it was in HOW MUCH they hurt me. This is becoming a yearly thing it seems.... well... almost yearly but I guess more so every 10 months.... last time I hit this was shortly after I moved down here when I ended up in the ER... and of course it was shortly after that that Tiff decided to give up on me and it snowballed that for a few weeks... the things snapped and I was better.... I think I need to somehow find a way to get to a psychologist/psychiastrist and figure out if the "touch of something else" (other than ADHD) is actually BiPolar and not clinical depression..... Of course, it doesnt help that I'm out of Zoloft and I cant get the freaking doctors office to call me back!

The good news is this.... I feel pretty good right now.... I'm up and I'm getting ready for church and, well, anyone that knows me know that if anything can cheer me up, its a Sunday morning at New Life! And actually, it seems I have found 3 good options for doctors so sometime this week I'm gonna make an appointment with one of them and then I will work with them on finding out if I need a psychologist/psychiatrist.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

1.5mg of my Xanax should knock me out for a bit.... tho its been 10 mins and my chest is still hurting like hell.... I dont know that there is hope anymore.... What really is the point? Truly, there are far worse things out there that need dealt with than me so why should anyone (including myself) be concerned about me?
How does it feel to treat me like you do
When you've laid your hands upon me
And told me who you are
I thought I was mistaken
I thought I heard your words
Tell me
How do I feel tell me now
How do I feel

How does it feel?
How should I feel?
Tell me how does it feel?
To treat me like you do

Those who came before me
Lived through their vocations
From the past until completion
They'll turn away no more
And I still find it so hard
To say what I need to say
But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me
Just how I should feel today

I see ship in the harbor
I can and shall obey
But if it wasn't for your misfortunes
I'd be a heavenly person today
And I thought I was mistaken
And I thought I heard you speak
Tell me now
How should I feel
Now I stand here waiting...
I thought I told you to leave me
While I walked down to the beach
Tell me how does it feel
when your heart grows cold

How does it feel?
How should I feel?
Tell me how does it feel?
To treat me like you do

"Blue Monday" by Orgy
Unfortunately I'm above suicide.... but if someone could shoot me and put me out of my misery, that would be great......
Slashdot | Court Action Does Not Reduce File-Sharing

In related news scientists have confirmed that the earth is indeed round.

I'm glad that people share the idea that I have (reference to most of the comments left). I simply do not want to support a company that is completely and utterly evil. Here are a couple comments from that page that I really think fit:

Unlike some people, I have NO problem with the music they produce. I'm one of those losers that like Green Day. I like mainstream music like Dashboard Confessional, Fall Out Boy, or even Justin Timberlake. Big fucking deal. Sue me.
However, I can't buy msuic from them on principal. Just like I wouldn't buy blankets from the online Al-qaeda shop, I can't buy music from them. Yes, an extreme example but it lays out my point in black and white:
I don't buy things/support people/companies I think are "true evil".
I don't buy from Walmart, I don't buy music from the RIAA, and I don't buy ten year old girls from the local human trafficker.

I would have thought with the high standards employed by the RIAA in its lawsuits, it would intimidate anyone out of file-sharing. (View Links: Link 1 - Link 2 - Link 3) --RandomPrecision

Suing people tends to piss them off, making them less likely to buy from you. --Pantero Blanco

"The International Federation of the Phonographic Industries (IFPI) said it was 'containing" the problem and more people were connecting to broadband."
Who cares what they say, nobody uses phonographs anymore. And we thought the RIAA had an outdated business model.

If by "new and flexible", he means, "irritating and tedious", then no- I don't think DRM is misunderstood at all! --deep44

.....Just how outlawing liquor in the 30's made it more popular than ever. --ztwilight

Whats the point though, why all this fus, it's just people trying to share enjoyment. It's not like money makes people happy, if the artists are good then they sell tickets, that's where the real money is. --eneville

This is the first time in history that .5mg of xanax is having no effect
on me :(

Friday, January 20, 2006

This is really starting to hurt..... I thought that the period of my life where I had all of these mental issues was over.... I thought I was getting on with my life.... now it seems "Psycho Bob" is back.... and I hate it. I was really happy that things started going well and I made new friends and the past was the past and I was starting over.... I made new friends here in VA and things were great and I was so happy that all of the issues with my depression and my ADHD or whatever was solved and I was in good shape.... But now, its all coming out again.... so now will be the time when all of my friends are affraid to be around me because I'm depressed. This is the adventure I go through time and time again.... things are great, I get depressed, people leave because they dont want to deal with me.... they dont understand.... and in many cases, they dont try to understand.

So basically, you'll probably find me going into my shell again.... ignoring people around me because if I'm around people, I'll just constantly upset them and bring them down. Already in the last week I've apparently hurt my friends a couple times by acting ways that I didnt even realize I was acting.... It's no wonder I'm single..... no one is ever going to truly love someone that's such a mess like this.... no one is ever going to want to deal with it.... and no matter what people tell me, I know they'll leave and not deal with it. Its happened too many times.... in fact, I convinced myself that I wouldnt let anyone near so that this disaster wouldnt happen again.... then Tiff came along and for some reason, I went against that... I opened up.... she told me she loved me and that she never would leave me and that no matter what, she would be there for me..... well, look now.... she's so far gone that I dont even know who she is anymore. Not only did she leave, but she left in one of the worst possible times..... So you want me to believe that YOUR never going to leave me? Right.... Its not that its anything against you (whoever you are, reading this), but its that I've had my life experiences and I've learned that I can't trust those promises anymore.... seems that no one is about keeping that promise.

What hope do I have? I'm just going to be a misserable single human being the rest of my life.... and maybe for a few months in a row, I'll actually feel good about myself.... but either way, this isnt the ideal life..... it sucks.... So really.... what hope do I have?
Anxiety is setting in again.... why am I going through all this again? :(
The multi-car discount no longer applies since you are only insuring one private passenger vehicle on this policy. The value of this discount was approximately $228.00 on the 2003 Hyundai. This amount was then added back to the premium for the 2003 Hyundai, which was $949.81 before you removed the 1993 Chevrolet. In the event that you insure a second vehicle on your policy again, we will re-add this discount.

I gotta fix the Samurai so that I can save money I guess.

I give up....

So on my way home from work a heard a song on The Fish (XM032) that
really hit me... I was searching for the lyrics but couldn't find them
to post. The song was "Cosmic Cowboy" by Barry McGuire (it looks like
One Bad Pig did a cover). The lyrics actually really touched me and
gave me a little lift. This walk we take with God is not easy but He is
always there.

Aside from all the recent stress, things are pretty well. I walked out
of the data center and looked at my car and just smiled. I really like
my car but that's not why I smiled.... I smiled because its a symbol of
things falling into place for me. As far as living in Herndon, living
with Keith is tough... No, I'm just kidding :) things are really going
well. Only thing I have to figure out is how low I need to turn the
bass on my music when I get home from work. But really, Keith is an
awesome friend... Even tho we may follow the lead of "The Odd Couple"
(an older sitcom with Jack Lemon), we get along really well. I wouldn't
change my mind in making this decission.

I still have some things on my mind and there certainly still is pain in
my heart, but I'm happy for the reassurances that I was given tonight.

Good Night

Is it wrong to be selfish at least once in a great while? Is it wrong to think of yourself at one moment of the day? It it wrong to want something that only benefits you and not others.... are these wrong? Anything I want and desire doesnt seem to be possible... ever. I just dont understand this.... am I being too selfish? I just dont understand.... things were going really great today.... but I was crushed by someone.... then crushed by someone else... and it all just snowballed.... and here I am... broken again.... Keith said in his blog a few days ago about why he can't just be normal.... and I have to say that I question the same thing. Why can't I just be the normal "asshole" you see walking around that doesnt get screwed by anyone.... the one that people dont take advantage of... Why do I have to deal with these "mental issues" that I have and why do I have to deal with people constantly breaking my heart. Why cant I be the person that can find that girl almost instantly... the one that doesnt struggle to find someone but the person that gets to choose between tons of options. I'm sure there is a reason but right now its hard to understand why.....

Thankfully, my shift is just about over so I can go home soon and get to bed I guess..... At least I had a few hours of happiness today.... that was more than I can say for the last week combined
Why cant it be true that you can click your heels together and just be taken to another place? I want to go to a place where people cant hurt you.... or at least people dont WANT to hurt you..... of course, then again, almost every time that I have been hurt the worst it's because "someone didnt want to hurt me" .... so they lie to me. Why do people hurt me all the time... and why does it always cut me so deep. I can take alot of harassment but there are some people that just know how to really get me emotionally..... and of course, I'm one of the most vulnerable people around. I appriciate all of the people that have been emailing me and IM'ing me.... its hard to believe that some people have totally forgotten about me but its nice to know that at least a few do still care about me.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Wow did this night go abruptly sour..... anyone realize what it feels like to have 3 people lie to you within the same hour and find out that your not important or cared about by someone else at the same time?

*sigh* I hope tomorrow will bring something happy....
I dont know why I let external circumstances affect me so much.... especially when I know I have no control over them. Today was an ok day... then it got really good.... I actually would have to say I was REALLY happy for a good few hours of the day.... and then just a few words can completely destroy that.... maybe I just am basing things on the material world which will never make me happy.... but its the lonliness that I wish would go away....... *shrug*

I still am doing better than I have been recently, so I guess thats good.
So here's what I got:

And yes, I already registered the domain, so dont try it :)
Fatur's Market checking out - PittsburghLIVE.com

This truly is sad :(
January has got to be the worst month of the year....

The good news is that whatever those chest pains were, they are gone. I'm sure it was just anxiety creeping up on me.... life goes on tho.... not like it's anything I'm not used to. I will be so thankful when this month is over.... things should settle down then (I hope).

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I dunno if anyone is still even up let alone reading my blog but if
someone is, please send out a prayer for me. I'm having some really
weird chest pains right now. I don't want to make a big deal outta it
but if someone could just pray for me, I would appriciate it.

License Plate Purchase

I need your help.... Anyone have any ideas for my license plate for my Elantra?
When Peyton Manning died and went to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Peyton." said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Peyton felt special and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house. It was a 3-story mansion with a Black and Gold sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Steeler flag and in every window, a Terrible towel. Peyton looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but, why does Ben Roethlisberger get a better house than me?" God chuckled, and said "Peyton that's not Ben's house, it's mine."
Slashdot | Piracy Setup Discovered in WV Capitol Building
I need an all-expenses paid vacation......

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

In some ways I wish I could go to counseling again but that would cost me about $50 a visit so its really not worth it. God is trying to show me something but I'm just not realizing it. I'm a unique person and I guess in most ways, I am proud of that.... but with this stuff in my mind, its tough. And when I say this stuff in my mind, I mean the mental stuff like ADHD and whatever else I have (BiPolar, clinical depression, whatever it is). I have been really doing well since I've been here in VA and I think there is alot of good reason for that.... and the medicine has been helping alot too.... the problem is that its really hard for people to help me mainly because its hard to understand how my mind works in these scenarios..... heck, its hard for me to help myself.... I dont have a clue how I work, myself :) I've been against condemnation for a long time and I've learned that its important for people to show each other their faults but the choice of words you use, the context it's used in, and the time frame can throw things from correction to condemnation..... problem is when I'm down, my interpretation of condemnation is alot lower than most people because of "perpetuation" ... On the other hand, in most cases when I'm doing well emotionally, my interpretation of condemnation is much higher than most people.... This is me by design and I'm sure there is a reason for it.... God has a reason for everything He does and the pain that I experience when I am at a low point is really something God is using to teach me some type of lesson and develope me into the person He wants me to be. So would counseling help? I'm sure it would.... but maybe its not the best option because I need to learn to rely directly on God more than relying on other people (whether they be Christians or not).
I really wish that I could afford counseling.... I'm starting to hurt people around me and that just adds to this worthless feeling :(
I wish I wasnt such a burden to everyone.... I wish I was someone who could just be tha happy perfect person that everyone wants to be around..... I seem to hurt so many people around me.... some because I'm upset, and I guess sometimes because I'm just a mental case or something.... I dunno.....

*sigh* Please keep me in your prayers and anyone that might have any encouragement for me, it would be appriciated.

Monday, January 16, 2006

I started to feel better for a while today but its all going back down hill again. I feel so alone but I also feel that I'm too much of a burden to everyone around me. So maybe that's why I'm all alone.... Everyone tries to avoid burdens so I guess it makes sense. Either way, I feel like crap.
Who am I kidding? I have no purpose in life..... I'm not really good enough to do anything.... not even work for free.....
Im really not doing well.... The more that life goes on the more I start realizing that I'm not someone that anyone wants to be with.... I'm not someone to love... I'm nothing more than someone to take advantage of. I always want to help with the needs of others but when it comes to my needs, no one is there for me.... it seems like they never are. I really feel like I am alone in this world. I dont know what to account for this.... I just dont get it. I know that my work schedule doesnt help either.... this whole weekend I didnt get to really hang out with any of my friends from church... alot of times they plan on doing stuff Friday night.... but I'm, of course, at work.

I really wish things could change... I really wish that there was something I could do... and above all, I really wish there was someone in my life that was always there for me.... I dont feel like the person I want to be.... but, on the other hand, I dont feel like I'm a person that anyone would ever want to be with....

I wish this day could have been alot different.... but it seems I'm always just wishing for something that never will happen. Such is my life I guess.....

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Encouragement is something I really need right now. Why do I feel that everyone has abandoned me? Why do I feel all alone?

One of Keiths friends wants to meet me so he is coming over. Hopefuly it'll be a good time.
At least the Steelers did it. :)
I don't know what's up with me but I'm really not feeling well emotionally.... In fact, I have so many emotions going on right now I can't even identify. I don't like this at all. I wanted to hang out with someone and just sit and talk but no one wanted to.... Lunch was good but I wish I could have been one on one with someone or even just a smaller group. *sigh*
Well.... I now officially live in Herndon..... Still a lot of work to do but I am really thankful for the help I had today. Its been a long day. Keith and I have been talking a while and that's been really nice..... Now if Cox would fix the cable......

Friday, January 13, 2006

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Wow.... I'm at least in a little better of a mood....

So I go to DMV today to register my Elantra and they wont take the check that #1 Cochran sent me because it was written for too much.... Mark this day down in history as the only day Virginia did not want to take money. Honestly tho, its pretty stressful.... I gotta get #1 Cochran to somehow send me a check that is written to me... and this all has to happen in like a week before my temporary registration runs out. Then, on my way back from there I called my dad and he tells me that he told me that something is wrong with my Sammy.... looks like a wheel bearing is shot.... Its not the end of the world, but it's still something that I would rather not have to deal with.

The worst thing going on right now is some of my thought patterns. I havent been getting much sleep and I have been really busy and really stressed recently so maybe that has some to do with it.... but last night I was thinking back and in all honesty, the only person I ever dated that honestly made me feel like someone was Kendra. I could tell that she was attracted to me and really cared about me.... the attraction thing was a big thing... Now, the Kendra relationship had alot of downfalls and it really got ugly.... but she was attracted to me.... and in all honesty, the first couple months I dated Kendra was the ONLY time in my life that I ever felt that I was attractive. I know that this is typically a "girl thing" but there are days where I look in the mirror and I just think "how could anyone be attracted to this" ..... And honestly, the only times I've ever been told I was attracted were when someone was forced to. For instance, I'd tell Tiff or whoever that they were attractive and as a result, they felt obligated to tell me the same.... I never felt wanted.... and add to this that soooo many people tell me that I'm such a great guy and I'm an awesome person and that anyone would be lucky to be with me.... yet my relationships end in disaster.... the only thing I can figure is eventually people are just not willing to stay with someone they are not attracted to.

Yes, I know God made me special.... but these are some things that have been on my mind that are just killing me. I'm glad to be who I am... I just wish that maybe I was a little more attractive?
Someone PLEASE make this week stop.......
This sucks.... This REALLY sucks! Finally got home at a decent time after work and figured that I could get up semi-early to get some stuff done and of course, I have to get up now because a server crashed.... Maybe I'm just not meant to sleep or relax or anything? This is just really sucking bad.... I so need a vacation :(
I don't need to fall at your feet
Just 'cause you cut me to the bone
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me
We were never carved in stone
If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself..

I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking

I refuse to give in to my blues
That's not how it's going to be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't want to let you see.. no
That you have made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself..

I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking

I will never, never shed a tear for you
I'll get over you

If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself..

I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I'm the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you.. I know I will
You made a hole in my heart
But I won't shed a tear for you
I'll be the king of wishful thinking
I'll get over you..
I'll pretend my heart's still beating
'cause I've got no more tears for you
I'm the king of wishful thinking..
I'll get over you.. I know I will
You made a hole in my heart
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking

"King of Wishful Thinking" by Go West

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

After moving you to your new location, your policy increased by $122.94 per six month period. Your next payment is due on 01/26/06 for $208.84.

*sigh* ... Save money by moving in with a friend.... cross the line into Fairfax County and my insurance goes up THAT much?!
I dont understand what is going on but it really seems like things are just not clicking together anymore..... like, mainly on the job side of things. Ultimately, I need to start working towards ministry.... Carpathia is my place for now, but the corporate sector is NOT my future....

Really tho, at this point, I'm very stressed... I need to be able to relax but I cant find a way to do that.... I've tried calling multiple friends to see if they wanted to hang out for dinner but not only are the typically hard people to reach not reachable but the people that I can always get a hold of, I cant.... Many of my friends that are always on AIM and such are not today.... Truly, I am alone today and I need something to help me relax.... but that just isnt happening today it seems. I really would like some relief right now.... I'm actually even starting to feel a little bit sick :(

The good news is God really did show me that He is working on something.... He showed me that the pain that I have been struggling with for a while is really going to be coming to an end sometime soon.... What God's definition of "soon" is may not be known, but I was definately shown evidence that God is working on my life and moving me to the places that I need to be. I've always realized that, as Christians, we should be honored to be the pawns on God's chess board.... I've realized tho, that I am more than a pawn in this game.... I dont know what piece I am... maybe a knight or rook or something.... I dont know.... but God does have something planned for me... and it's something big.

Despite the encouragement, I still am quite stressed and really need to relax... desperately.... but I'll make it some how... I always do.
I am really really stressed right now.... I think I am beyond the point of burnout and this sucks..... :(
The Great Rose Bowl Hoax

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

What a freaking mess this day was.... I feel really bad because I had to leave Bud while one of his primary machines was down and I never made it to my other friend's house that I wanted to help out.... not to mention I didnt eat until I was on my way back down here to VA nor did I even get to see my mom.

The good (and very surprising) thing was that I actually sold the Saturn today.... Wasnt expecting that but I picked up a few hundred for it.... It's actually pretty amazing.... right now I was trying to figure out how to pay my final payments for my bills at my apartment before I move in with Keith but yet I really felt God wanted me to provide for Becca.... how amazing is it that I followed God and I was able to get pretty much the exact amount of money that I needed from selling the car that was wrecked? So thats the good thing of the day.....

Monday, January 09, 2006

well I made it to PA and now I have a few moments to log some thoughts I've been having today.

The sermon today was about putting God in THE box.... not meaning that we need to limit him but the box that holds the purpose of our life is where we need to put Him. Alot of things went through my mind with this and I realized that we all really need to work very hard to keep Him the center of our lives.... but the thought that really made me start thinking about other things is that it is us that is in His box.... What is meant by that is that God holds all of us as His #1 Priority. The more I started to think about things and some thoughts that I had heard and had previously, I realized something very important.

There is a psychological pattern in our minds of who we will listen to and follow and who we will not. One of the biggest determining factors of this is whether the person we are hearing instruction from genuinely cares about us. As I thought about THIS thought, I looked back over my life and of the people I have come in contact with. My first psychologist did absolutely no good for me at all.... Why? Because it was evident that it was just his job... he didnt really care about my situation but he was just doing his job to get is pay check.... thats what people do. Then I look at Dr. Gaul (my family doctor from when I lived in PA) and I realize that what made him the best doctor in the entire world is the fact that he genuinely cared about his paitients. He was involved in their treatment.... yes, it was his job and that is how he made a living, but it was more important for him to see his paitents healed. It was incredible how that progressed...... but look through alot of the doctors I had been to and you will see patterns of who helped and who didnt. The ones that showed a genuine concern were the ones that helped me the most. The reason for this is that psychological pattern.... the one where we subconciously decide whether or not the person on the other end of the conversation really cares. If that person doesnt care about us, we try our best to ignore any advice from them.... If we feel that they do care about us, then we try our best to LISTEN to any advice from them.

So adding to that thought, think of relationships. Think of marriages.... me, personally, can think of the entire Tiff situation. When Tiff and I first met, I felt a HUGE feeling of her caring heart. I could tell she cared about me a great deal.... as time went on, I didnt see that anymore. What was the reason? I dont know... most likely I think it was confusion in her mind. So in this relationship, both of us did wrong.... there is no doubt of that. But what happened was the lack of genuine care. There were things in Tiff's life that were alot more important than spending ANY time with me or even talking to me. There were a ton of things that just pushed me way to the bottom of the barrel. As a result, I lost the feeling that she cared for me and that led to a snowball effect. My attitudes that developed from that were wrong and I am responsible for those but it's a very good example of how this principal can be applied to a relationship and can really make or break a marriage. The ironic thing was that today at lunch we were talking to our friends Andy and Emily (names changed) who was saying about how their first month and even first 6 months of marriage were really bad. We were joking about the situation actually, but something stuck. Emily said about some problems arising because she felt that Andy did not care. This may or may not have been the truth.... but what Emily sensed was what made the difference.

So then lets go one level higher.... Think about the ultimate marriage of man and God. This is the relationship above all relationships..... and the truth is that God has us as the center of His life.... but how do WE see that? When a relative dies, humans have a greater potential of losing sight of God in this situation. Why? We feel like God abandoned us and doesnt care. As a result of that, we feel that God doesnt care and therefore we shouldnt listen to Him.... and the snowball begins. This is a poor interpretation of how God works but if it's in our mind or our sub-mind that God doesnt care, then following Him becomes more and more difficult.... and things start to fall apart and snowball. Its these situations where we need to refocus.... we not only need to put God in our box but we need to realize that we are in His. He does care. We can put our psychological fears to rest and listen to His guidance.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

They did it! :)
Keep it up!!!! 28, 17.... Steelers winning!
Half time.... still behind.... but at least its not by that much.... come on Steelers... you can do it!
I can't watch! :(
The best thing about today is the Steelers are on CBS Nationwide!!!! :)

Game is underway.... You better be watching! :)
Kim wanted me to post this one of her and Rebeca because she thinks its better than the last one I posted (well, yea, I guess it is :)

Less than 4 hours till kick off. GO STEELERS!!

Saturday, January 07, 2006

I was somewhat out of it today... wasnt that it was a bad day but I think between not getting enough sleep last night, work being CRAZY today, and not feeling 100% (sinuses are bugging me) I guess it is to be expected. I have to say tho it was really nice to hang out with some friends.

Also, Becca picked up my Cavalier today.... it seems like she really likes that car and I cant tell you how happy I am about that. I had this HUGE fear that she was not gonna like it or it would be a problem or something but I can definately tell that she appriciates it which really makes me feel good. I think I was really worried about it after the whole Tiff thing when I gave her that Saturn. I never felt so horrible for doing something for someone in my life.... and after that I had been afraid to do things for people at times because I was affraid of being ... well, I guess I was just really hurt by that situation..... maybe thats why God gave me an opportunity to do it again.... just so that I could realize that you can't just stop helping people because someone didnt appriciate something you did before.....

So I guess.... yea, it really was a good day.... I just wasnt feeling the best so that played a part.

Well I think I'm gonna watch some TV and then head to bed. I have church in the morning and then tomorrow evening I'm heading up to PA.
Wow I feel misserable :( Hopefully after I get in the shower and wake up a little bit I'll feel better.... but between a tad of dehydration and not getting much sleep, i'm not sure.... how does this area get so humid in the summer and have no humidity in the winter....

Finally home from work..... And of course, after I was taken surprise by a HUGE project tonight that I knew nothing about until the customer arrived and asked me if I was ready, now I'm also scheduled to meet with a customer at 11am.... *sigh*

Annnndddd.... tomorrow is the first time that I'm worried about forgetting my car when I go to work :) Seriously tho, I have to take the Cavalier to work because I'm giving it to Becca from there and Im hoping im not just brain dead when I head to work that I just get in my Elantra and go.... either way, I'm going to bed.... nite.

Friday, January 06, 2006

I was up at 9:30am today..... why? Not sure.... but the odd thing is, I feel like I have alot to do today.... *shrug*

Either way, I'm in a good mood so far.... Lets hope it stays this way :)
So there are ads on my blog now you might have noticed.... click them :) They are not ads for blogger to make money but actually ads that I will (eventually) generate revenue if enough people start clicking them. So maybe it will be years or centuries before I would have enough people view my blog to make some money.... but thats ok cause it didnt cost me anything :)

Thursday, January 05, 2006

All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control

Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered >peace be still<
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child

He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold ot faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place

"Sometimes He Calms the Storm" by Scott Krippayne
There is a somewhat natural mental defense that we all have that if we get a positive through something that we felt negatively, then we act negatively again in order to receive the same positive. We all do it but some do it more than others. But the thing is you have to know that it is a natural defense that is built in our mind. It's the way God created it but it doesn't always have benefits in every situation. Think about me that struggles with pornography and such. The sexual desire to be with a girl is a natural thing that God gave all men for a reason and a very good reason. But when that becomes the ruler of my life, then it is harmful. The same is true in this situation. The defense you have in your mind is an important thing that God has given you. You may just over use it. Its not that you're a horrible person, its just that you need to mature in that area, the same way I need to mature in other areas. This is why there is the body of Christ. We all overcome things and then help others with the same things. Some of us are really good at one thing that we can help others with, and those people we help can help us right back with something else. The important thing is that you are open to listening and taking in what others have to say and really truly have the attitude that everyone can help everyone and that that IS the way God intended it. That's the purpose of the Body of Christ and that is why we are all very different people. It's the way we were designed.

Please understand that I do care about all of you and I always will. But in some cases, I am just not able to help you. You can (and need) to look to others, including myself, for help but the ultimate help will come from God. The thing is God will use other people to speak to you so if you completely ignore all that people tell you, you may actually be ignoring what God is telling you. But on the other hand, you cant only look to other people because you have to realize that the ultimate answer does come from God Himself.

Just also please understand that I am a really busy person in most cases. I am usually behind on doing stuff and sometimes I do get stressed and just need time to myself. One of my biggest problems is that I never take time for myself but its something that I have started to work on. Just please understand that if I don't respond to a message right away or even if I totally forget to respond to one, it is not because I don't care it is because I am working on something that I need to work on and that is taking time for myself. I want to help everyone I possibly can but I am realizing that not taking any time for myself actually makes me less effective because I need that time to regenerate and thus be more effective the next time someone needs my help.

Thank you to everyone for all that you have been doing in my life. I am happy to be a part of this Body of Christ and I am even happier when I can be used by God to bring Joy into someone's life. I enjoy helping people.... and I guess that is the thing that God gave me that is really healthy but yet I overuse and create the adverse effect sometimes.
Umm... wow.... a few posts ago was a realization of things regarding both Tiff and Carpathia..... just a few hours ago I got this email from a friend... Not sure if this was really from TD Jakes or not but it doesnt matter... If you want to talk about a confirmation to the decissions I have made and am working on making... well, just read this.... all I have to say is.... WOW

God By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear
me when I tell you this! When people can walk away
from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into
staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring
about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The
bible said that, they came out from us that it might
be made
manifest that they were not for us. For had they been
one of us, no doubt they would have continued with us.
[1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them


And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just
means that their part in the story is over. And you've
got to know when people's part in your story is over
so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know
when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got
the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I
believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's
that I'm
faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have
He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I
don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.


If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong
to you and was never intended for your life, then you
need to......


If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....


If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth.....


If someone has angered you ........


If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and


If you are involved in a wrong relationship or


If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets
your needs or talents


If you have a bad attitude.......


If you keep judging others to make yourself feel


If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take
you to a new level in Him......


If you are struggling with the healing of a broken


If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try
to help themselves......


If you're feeling depressed and stressed ........


If there is a particular situation that you are so
used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your
hands off of it," then you need to......


Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for 2006!!!


Get Right or Get Left. Think about it, and then .


"The Battle is the Lord's!"

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

I don’t think this day is ever going to end …..   L

"How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to."
- Unknown
In the years to come
Will you think about these moments that we shared

In THE years to come
Are you gonna think it over
And how we lived each day with no regrets

Nothing lasts forever though we want it to
The road ahead holds different dreams for me and you

Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts in your heart,
is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts,
is the only way now for you and me
Though it's the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
'CAUSE true love never dies

In a year from now
Maybe there'll be thing we'll wish we'd never said

In a year from now
Maybe we'll see each other
Standing on the same street corner though it rains

Each and every end is always written in the stars
If only I could stop the world
I'd make this last

Sometimes goodbye, THOUGH it hurts in your heart,
is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye, THOUGH it hurts,
is the only way now for you and me
Though it's the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye (so say goodbye)
But don't you cry
'CAUSE true love never dies

And when you need my arms to run into
I'll comfort you
Nothing will ever change the way I feel

Sometimes goodbye, THOUGH it hurts in your heart,
is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye, THOUGH it hurts,
is the only way now for you and me
Though it's the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every day
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
Because a true love never dies

"Say Goodbye" by S Club 7

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

So there are a few things I'm realizing....

First: Carpathia
things are going pretty good and I do enjoy my job and Carpathia still has an extreme amount of potential. But what's on my mind? Well.... I wonder how much potential *I* have at Carpathia. Even tho for the most part I am treated really well, its like there is an unseen battle.... And I don't know what. With at least one person, I know its partly because I'm a Christian. Others I don't think its that.... But what is it? The thing is that I don't think Carpathia wants to respect me for who I am and what I do for the company. They respect me where needed but it seems like there is a part of them that works to twist the good that I do. Now, I'm not a perfect employee but I think I do bring a lot of good to the company. In that aspect, I'm not respected. Maybe its because if they let themselves realize the benefit I am to the company they would feel guilty for not paying me more. What I do at Carpathia is worth a higher salary but I'm ok with where I am. So what does this mean? Well I know I am where I need to be right now but I think focusing on a career at Carpathia isn't for me. Now don't get me wrong, I think many people would be great moving up in the company and I wouldn't tell anyone not to apply..... But there is just something that really shows this isn't going to work out for ME as a career. I'm not going to start actively looking for a job but if something comes up, ill definately look into it.

Secondly: Tiff
I'm moving on. I have to. I don't want to at all but I can't allow myself to go through this again. I was talking to someone else that knows her and that person feels that tiff totally shut them out too. I wanted to build a friendship with Tiff again but I just can't be the only one working toward that. I talked to her on AIM last week and she ended up having to go to bed and she swore she would IM the next time she was online or at least email me.... So far, nothing. She logged on to AIM last night and I was actually going to send her a message but by time I opened the window she was gone. She left a comment on myspace too but no email.... Nothing to me personally. I fell in love with tiff but this girl is not the tiff I fell in love with.... Its not even the tiff I became friends with. I'm truly concerned about her but she won't let anyone near her. I can't let myself in that situation again. I need friendships that will help me grow and let me help someone else grow.... I need friendships that don't let the past haunt us.... I need to be surrounded by people that really care and that don't focus on my mistakes. Maybe down the road God will work a miracle and Tiff and I will be back together.... But right now God has given me a great life and I'm going to follow that.
Well the frozen hard drive trick saved me again!

The primary (OS) hard drive in my MythTV system died. It's possible to rebuild the OS, of course, and to reconfigure the system, but importing my recordings is basically impossible. They are stored on a RAID array not on the primary hard drive so I had all of the recordings themselves but didnt have the database information to let MythTV use them..... so I did what any good computer tech would do: put the hard drive in the feezer for two days. I just pulled it out of the freezer now, hooked up my IDE to USB adaptor, and grabbed /var/lib/mysql without any issue.... I then started copying /* and its actually still copying some stuff. Drive is clicking like hell.... but I guess thats to be expected for a drive that shouldnt even be spinning :)

Now I have to get these files imported.... this could be just as much fun :)


Can I cry now or should I wait until later?
I really have to move on.... I cant keep being here going through the same things over and over again. I'm not the best person in the world so I guess I shouldnt be worried about someone that is too good for me or associate with me.

I've learned that you can really tell who your friends are by how much you know about them. The stronger a friendship, the less you DONT know about that person. The stronger a friendship, the less secrets there are. I have been trying to bend the rules of what a friend is because I have wanted something so badly... but despite my wanting to know, I cant force someone to tell me whats going on in their life. A friend is someone who really enjoys talking with you and not someone that trys to avoid you. A friend doesnt break promises. A friend not only helps you but lets you help them. Friends want to know if your ok. Friends want to share the good and the bad in their life with you.

Here are some quotes that I have found that I really think paint a good picture of what a friend is. I guess maybe the way God is going to teach me about true friendship is he's going to show me what friendship is not?

"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe unto him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up." -- Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.

A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway. -- Fr. Jerome Cummings

Who finds a faithful friend, finds a treasure. -- Jewish Saying

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. -- Aristotle

"The only way to have a friend is to be one." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"A faithful friend is the medicine of life." -- Apocrypha

One who looks for a friend without faults will have none. -- Hasidic Saying

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. -- Walter Winchell

A friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails. -- Anonymous

"Friendship is essentially a partnership." -- Aristotle

"A friend loves at all times." -- Proverbs 17:17.

"There can be no Friendship where there is no Freedom." -- William Penn

"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends whom we choose." -- Tehyi Hsieh

The language of friendship is not words but meanings. -- Henry David Thoreau

I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street. -- Virginia Woolf

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!-- Doug Larson

These are some really good guidelines that I think I need to start paying attention to. I can't make someone my friend. I look at these quotes above and I see this in Nate, Becca, Kim, Keith, etc, etc..... They respect who I am. They know my failures... they'll forgive me when I hurt them... they'll be there when I need them. they'll let me help them... They won't look at my failures and hold them against me. Already if its been a few days since we've talked, I'll get a call or at least an email. I know that so many people here in VA are really true friends to me and I appriciate them. Why can't I let this be enough for me? Why can't I accept the fact that some people will not want to be my friend.... why do I keep fighting for it anyway?

A *TRUE* friend told me tonight something that I knew already but had been ignoring.... some things are hard for people to change. She was right. Hope is an important thing but it can't be placed in something that has given so much failure.

I need to move on.... I dont want to but I havent been given any other choice.
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

"I'm Movin On" by Rascal Flatts
She's out there.... and someday I will find her.

Monday, January 02, 2006

one thing I have to be proud of my dad about.... He is one of about 3 people on the east coast that has a handicapped license plate that still has the ability to think while he is driving.
An analyst at Microsoft has investigated this problem and determined that an unknown error occurred in VERITAS Backup Exec™ for Windows Servers. This software was created by VERITAS® Software Corporation. (from Microsoft Online Crash Analysis)

I can not tell you how glad I am that we have amazing analysts working hard over at Microsoft to lead us and guide us to the solutions to our problems. You have to give alot of credit for the research on this one.
So all those people that knew me when I lived in PA.... remember how people always used to tell me how quiet I was and stuff.... well, I've realized tonight that there are alot of times now that I NEVER SHUT UP :) And I think it's Nate, Kim, and Becca's fault :) ... and thats not a bad thing.... although they probably get sick of hearing me ramble....

In all honesty tho... I am in the BEST mood in the world right now.... and its been quite a few weeks since I've felt this good. I've realized something very important tonight: I am very blessed to have 3 people in my life that are completely amazing people. The last few weeks have been down weeks for me... havent felt like myself.... lots of things on my mind, the holidays, Tiff, etc, etc, etc.... but I didnt realize something else that was consistant through those weeks: Kim, Becca, Nate, and myself hadn't had a chance to all get together and hang out. Tonight was the first night in a while that the 4 of us got together and hung out..... and I notice that I am in such a better mood now after being able to have spent time with them. This all didnt hit me until I was almost home.... I realized that the during entire drive back from Chantilly I had a huge smile on my face and I was singing and praising God and I was just in such a great mood... and it didnt hit me until I was almost home that just being able to spend time with such amazing friends turned my whole attitude back around. It wasn't even expected.

I am truly blessed to have met such wonderful people that love God and not only that but I can tell they genuinely love and care about me too. Its an experience that I dont know if I have ever felt.... and I hope that they know how much they have impacted my life and how much I believe that God has blessed me with them. Hopefully they dont get sick of hearing me ramble and avoid me :)

Aside from them, I realize how blessed I am otherwise too. The people I have met here in VA are a huge blessing. Keith has been a blessing in my life since before I moved to VA.... Rodney really helped me get some things in order with cars and such (and still helps me alot), I've got an amazing church family at New Life.... I fit in in alot of different ways in alot of different places. It's truly an amazing experience for me here in VA.

Before I go, here is a pic from tonight of Kim and Becca.... I thought it was a really cute pic and turned out well.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

What does a man have to do to listen to the Steeler game? Why must I be punished because I dont live in the area that the Steelers are playing in? Oh... thats right... nfl.com will broadcast it to me... FOR A FEE.... Why should I have to pay for something that other people get for free just because they live in a certain area? I had a great idea... www.dve.com streams their broadcast.... oh, wait... its turned off during the Steeler game because NFL has the rights to it I guess.

Either way, I'm getting the text messages when they or detroit scores and wtf.... Why do they do this all the time? If it's a game they are definately going to win, they give up before they start and end up losing. Well, they are at least ahead right now but they shouldnt be this close....

Either way... GO STEELERS!

First blog of 2006!

Happy New Year everyone! Did you survive the extra second? :)