Tuesday, January 03, 2006

So there are a few things I'm realizing....

First: Carpathia
things are going pretty good and I do enjoy my job and Carpathia still has an extreme amount of potential. But what's on my mind? Well.... I wonder how much potential *I* have at Carpathia. Even tho for the most part I am treated really well, its like there is an unseen battle.... And I don't know what. With at least one person, I know its partly because I'm a Christian. Others I don't think its that.... But what is it? The thing is that I don't think Carpathia wants to respect me for who I am and what I do for the company. They respect me where needed but it seems like there is a part of them that works to twist the good that I do. Now, I'm not a perfect employee but I think I do bring a lot of good to the company. In that aspect, I'm not respected. Maybe its because if they let themselves realize the benefit I am to the company they would feel guilty for not paying me more. What I do at Carpathia is worth a higher salary but I'm ok with where I am. So what does this mean? Well I know I am where I need to be right now but I think focusing on a career at Carpathia isn't for me. Now don't get me wrong, I think many people would be great moving up in the company and I wouldn't tell anyone not to apply..... But there is just something that really shows this isn't going to work out for ME as a career. I'm not going to start actively looking for a job but if something comes up, ill definately look into it.

Secondly: Tiff
I'm moving on. I have to. I don't want to at all but I can't allow myself to go through this again. I was talking to someone else that knows her and that person feels that tiff totally shut them out too. I wanted to build a friendship with Tiff again but I just can't be the only one working toward that. I talked to her on AIM last week and she ended up having to go to bed and she swore she would IM the next time she was online or at least email me.... So far, nothing. She logged on to AIM last night and I was actually going to send her a message but by time I opened the window she was gone. She left a comment on myspace too but no email.... Nothing to me personally. I fell in love with tiff but this girl is not the tiff I fell in love with.... Its not even the tiff I became friends with. I'm truly concerned about her but she won't let anyone near her. I can't let myself in that situation again. I need friendships that will help me grow and let me help someone else grow.... I need friendships that don't let the past haunt us.... I need to be surrounded by people that really care and that don't focus on my mistakes. Maybe down the road God will work a miracle and Tiff and I will be back together.... But right now God has given me a great life and I'm going to follow that.

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