Sunday, January 22, 2006

So you know what I miss about Tiff the most? The ability she had to know when I wasnt feeling right.... and more importantly, the courage to reach over and grab my hand or put her arm around me.... or even sometimes just kiss my cheek to let me know she was there for me. I could just be sitting anywhere next to her.... movie, church, you name it.... and she could just tell when my mind slipped away into a depressed state.... I remember multiple occasions of that.... When we were at The Passion of the Christ.... when we were driving back to Lock Haven from New Alex shortly after my grandfather passed away.... even sitting in Bentley.....

I was just thinking about this in church today.... and literally started crying because I missed it.... because I realized that she was the only person in my life that ever really gave a care that I was hurting.... or maybe others do too but just dont show it... the thing was, she showed it. And alot of times, I feel that sometimes people dont really care about me, they just do something because they are sick of dealing with me..... another thing going through my mind is something that I dont want to remember but I remember so well.... Shortly before moving to VA, I fell into a really depressed state and just started crying uncontrollably.... My parents couldnt deal with it.... and my mom just plain got pissed. I remember her grabbing me and looking me in the eye with a really mean look and saying "I'm tired of pussy footing around with you" .... now im not saying that my mom didnt care.... but I realize how much of a burden I have been to people around me and that I still am.... but the thing is.... in my life, Tiff has been the only one that never yelled at me about how much of ass I was.... she was the only person that had an idea that I couldnt control the way I was in those depressed states.... she realized that she couldnt do anything and the best thing should could do was just grab my hand and let me know she was there.

So yea, I miss Tiff.... I miss what I had when I had hurt. No doubt that I became too much for her as well and thats why she left me.... but at least she never attacked me for the things I couldnt control. I'll probably never have that again... and I guess that's just my loss.... but I do miss it, and most likely I always will.

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