Sunday, January 22, 2006

I started writting this as a response to Keith's comment on my last post, but I felt it was better suited as a new post.

Actually, I rarely take the Xanax.... and taking the Xanax isnt to sleep when I do take it (for the most part). Yesterday was constant border of panic for me.... had a couple attacks yesterday.... and I just needed to relax my chest because it hurt like hell.... It was a nice side effect last night that it knocked me out but that wasnt why I took it.... Seriously, yesterday was the first time in at least 6 months that I took it with the exception of a couple days ago.... Dependencay is a fear of mine after watching what happened to my aunt so its not something I'm going to fall into.... so please dont worry about that. If I get to a point where I cant sleep, maybe I'll see about the Ambien.... but not being able to sleep hasnt been an issue.

As for not seeing how things can be so bad.... in all honesty, I dont either.... but the fact is that they are.. and when I say that they are,I mean that they are in my head. Truthfully, yes, there were a few things that hurt me yesterday.... and they were things that were justified.... the problem wasnt in them hurting me, it was in HOW MUCH they hurt me. This is becoming a yearly thing it seems.... well... almost yearly but I guess more so every 10 months.... last time I hit this was shortly after I moved down here when I ended up in the ER... and of course it was shortly after that that Tiff decided to give up on me and it snowballed that for a few weeks... the things snapped and I was better.... I think I need to somehow find a way to get to a psychologist/psychiastrist and figure out if the "touch of something else" (other than ADHD) is actually BiPolar and not clinical depression..... Of course, it doesnt help that I'm out of Zoloft and I cant get the freaking doctors office to call me back!

The good news is this.... I feel pretty good right now.... I'm up and I'm getting ready for church and, well, anyone that knows me know that if anything can cheer me up, its a Sunday morning at New Life! And actually, it seems I have found 3 good options for doctors so sometime this week I'm gonna make an appointment with one of them and then I will work with them on finding out if I need a psychologist/psychiatrist.

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