Friday, January 20, 2006

This is really starting to hurt..... I thought that the period of my life where I had all of these mental issues was over.... I thought I was getting on with my life.... now it seems "Psycho Bob" is back.... and I hate it. I was really happy that things started going well and I made new friends and the past was the past and I was starting over.... I made new friends here in VA and things were great and I was so happy that all of the issues with my depression and my ADHD or whatever was solved and I was in good shape.... But now, its all coming out again.... so now will be the time when all of my friends are affraid to be around me because I'm depressed. This is the adventure I go through time and time again.... things are great, I get depressed, people leave because they dont want to deal with me.... they dont understand.... and in many cases, they dont try to understand.

So basically, you'll probably find me going into my shell again.... ignoring people around me because if I'm around people, I'll just constantly upset them and bring them down. Already in the last week I've apparently hurt my friends a couple times by acting ways that I didnt even realize I was acting.... It's no wonder I'm single..... no one is ever going to truly love someone that's such a mess like this.... no one is ever going to want to deal with it.... and no matter what people tell me, I know they'll leave and not deal with it. Its happened too many times.... in fact, I convinced myself that I wouldnt let anyone near so that this disaster wouldnt happen again.... then Tiff came along and for some reason, I went against that... I opened up.... she told me she loved me and that she never would leave me and that no matter what, she would be there for me..... well, look now.... she's so far gone that I dont even know who she is anymore. Not only did she leave, but she left in one of the worst possible times..... So you want me to believe that YOUR never going to leave me? Right.... Its not that its anything against you (whoever you are, reading this), but its that I've had my life experiences and I've learned that I can't trust those promises anymore.... seems that no one is about keeping that promise.

What hope do I have? I'm just going to be a misserable single human being the rest of my life.... and maybe for a few months in a row, I'll actually feel good about myself.... but either way, this isnt the ideal life..... it sucks.... So really.... what hope do I have?

1 comment:

Keith10247 said...

Bro, I can totally relate to these feelings (unfortunantly). Heres the thing with life and love though. You will not "find" love if you are looking for it. When you look for love you are automatically setting yourself up for instant failure. Why is this? Well this is quite simple...When you are looking for something you become very hopefull that something more will come out of whatever situation you are in. Things tend to get put out of perspective and the end result is pain. Pain from giving your hopes up and the pain of lonelyness and rejection.

This is a feeling I am all too familiar with and quite honestly, it sucks! How does one go about fixing this? First piece of advise: How do you expect someone to love you when you cannot even love you? Learn to love yourself before trying to get someone else to love you. If you think your car is a piece of crap why would you expect someone to love it? Obviously that is different than personality but when you think about it, it really is not all that different.

Piece of advise number 2: Quit looking! As noted above, do not set yourself up to be knocked down. Go in to any situation with your eyes wide open and cautious. This is going to be the most critical step to maintaining your self esteme. If you think about it, it makes perfect sense (atleast to me it does).

You, out of all people, should believe that everything happens for a reason. Your present mood right now is not very condusive to allowing this to happen. You are totally fighting yourself and beating yourself up about something you have no control over!

Viscious Cycle? I think so!

Welcome to life brother. Here is your complementary basket of drama....

When life dishes you out drama, look it in the eyes, embrace it, and say "You know what, I am not going to let this effect me. I am going to take this with a grain of salt and live my life."

This is the hardest thing to do in life...Trust me; as a gay male, my lifestyle eats, breaths, and breeds drama. You ever heard of the term "Drama Queen"? Yea thats 90% of the gay community...the other 10% is in the closet.

I am not sure how drama fits in to the "str8" world but I am starting to see that it is also existant. With that, everyone (both gay and str8) needs to learn to stop drama and stop letting it effect your mood. Quit living life as a puppet. Live life, be happy, and good things will come your way.

(PS: I am probably talking out of my ass since I often go through this same thing and have the same issues saying goodbye to drama, however a woman, who makes more money than me, told me this. I have a book you can borrow that I am supposed to be reading. It is all about relationships and finding that special one.)

Cheer up bro. Hopefully the Xanax is kicking in. Let life run its course and all will be good. If you ever wanna talk, you know where I live, just IM me whenever and we will chat to eachother from the next room because my ass aint getting out of bed ;-).

Peace!

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