Saturday, July 29, 2006

So I'm back in VA with my 55 gallon tank.... and I stopped at PetSmart too to buy some of the equipment I need.... Why am I doing salt water? Do I think I'm made of money or something? Heh... Once things are going it'll be great and the upkeep wont be bad.... its just the equipment needed to do this right for saltwater is a bit pricy... Tho I was really happy.... I wanted to get a canister filter which are rather expensive.... I went into petsmart and was just staring at them for a while thinking of whether I should get one or wait.... The one that seemed the best for me was $100 and it was also the cheapest.... But I couldnt afford it really since I had to buy substrate as well.... I just started reading some of the boxes just to see different things about different brands and I pulled out the Fluvall 205 and started reading it and looked up and saw the box behind it was kind of smashed up BUT had a 30% off sticker on it!!!!! So I got the thing for &70 and it does carry a warranty so there is no loss there. That was pretty exciting.... So anyway, I'm going to start cycling some water.... There still are a few more stages that I could do all at once but I need to space it out for cost reasons.... Hopefully in 3 or 4 weeks I'll be buying fish for it.... I'm going to start with tap water but when I do my water changes I'm going to use RO water so that in 6 months or so I can add things like starfish and seahorses and such.... I am pretty excited about this :)
Windows Vista Speech Recognition Demo Gone Awry
Techdirt: The Big Karaoke Crackdown

Next Week: The RIAA installs spy equipment in everyone's car. Anyone caught singing along to the radio will be taken to court.

How DARE you enjoy music released by the recording industry!
Hmmmm.... maybe the Keeper does know what He's doing after all?

Friday, July 28, 2006

I'm painfully remembering why I don't drive between 3pm and 6pm... Gotta love NoVA.

System Administrator Appreciation Day

Its my day
Techdirt: House Rushes Through Bill To Make The Web More Dangerous For Kids
"There are 6 admonishments in the Bible concerning homosexual activity and our enemies are always throwing them up to us usually in a vicious way and very much out of context. What they don't want us to remember is that there are 362 admonishments in the Bible concerning heterosexual activity. I don't mean to imply by this that God doesn't love straight people, only that they seem to require a great deal more supervision." --Lynn Lavner


Ok, so maybe not one of the greatest people on the face of the earth, but I really like that quote. Sin is sin no matter how many times it is said in the Bible but there is alot to think about.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Im really having a hard time with this situation. One of the hardest things to do is to want to trust someone that you have no reason to trust..... it gets even harder when you start to trust and find out that you shouldnt have. I've had this strange tug at my heart recently about something.... and I dont know why. I asked about it and it seemed like my tugging was way off base..... but then right after I get that information I get contradictory information in the form of fact from someone that I had not talked to in months.... random IM and ironically less than 12 hours after I start trusting again.

Im tired of this, quite honestly. I just want these memories to disappear from my mind... not because they arent great memories but they are only a symbol of what never will be.... The memories are in my mind and torment me time and time again and I cant stand it. I just want people to be honest with me. I want people to tell me the truth instead of thinking they need to protect me from the truth.

I just cant deal with this crap anymore.... I want so badly to hate someone that I love because Im tired of this torture... I want so badly to think that this person is a horrible person when I know that somewhere there is a good part of them.... If I cant hate, then I want to believe that they can change.... but every time I think they are going to, I get smacked in the face and reminded that they can't/

I hate it.... I really really hate this!
Slashdot | The 64% Violent Pacman

What kind of parent lets their kids play Pac-Man?!
Techdirt: Court Says Border Patrol Can Look Through Your Hard Drive

Why dont we all send president bush our IP address and information for accessing our computers. While we're at it, lets send him the keys to our houses and keys to our car. And if anyone has a safe, you might as well send him a combination to it. Oh, and if you have a safe deposit box, you better add his name to the access list.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Well.... I snapped out of my whole crushed heart feeling.... That occured about the time that I opened the packaged that arrived for me today: My Mac!!!! I got a Mac Mini and I'm playing with it now.... Its so beautiful.... I cant believe I'm writing such stuff but, yea, Apple is great stuff!

Now to learn how to use it :) I've been stuck in Windows land way too long. The good thing is that OSX Tiger is built on top of BSD so its a complete UNIX backend, which is something I am familar with.

Weeee :)
Someday I'll learn...... :(

Today was the first day in probably 6 months that I had my hopes up... I had something to look forward to... something really awesome. I finally had a friend that wanted to hang out with me.....

But, of course, I just got an email saying she can't make it now.... Why is this the story of my life.... Why is it one heartache after another? People tell me I need to look forward to the good things but everytime I do, I get absolutely crushed.... and it doesnt matter who is involved.... a good friend, a girl friend, a guy friend, an enemy... If I look forward to something good happening, it falls apart.

I'm in alot of emotional pain again.... Maybe I'll go see a movie to keep my mind off of junk.
I talked to Jo today and she said that she is going to be coming down to visit tomorrow! I cant wait! I havent seen her in years and I really could use some "chill out time" .... Yea, I'm pretty excited :)

So my dad and I traded vehicles for the week so I can pick up my new aquarium. Only thing I can say is I am SO remembering why I hate automatics.

Rule #1 when doing PR for an anti-spam vendor: Don't spam

This is hilarious in it's self but add to it that the publicity firm is called "Rocket Science" and you've got a great article :)

Monday, July 24, 2006

Kinda weird that this mornings sermon was about remembering the good times that God gave you and the joy that those times brought. I've been in PA more times this past month than I typically am and I'm laying here on my parents couch and the thing running through my mind is the first time I brought tiff down here from Lock Haven for a weekend.... How excited I was to introduce her to my parents and how much I wanted her to meet my family. Such a great person and so many great memories... And if God can give me that much joy in those simple things, then I'm sure more are on the way.

Anyway, I really need to try to fall asleep.... I just really needed to get that out.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Saturday, July 22, 2006

I remember as a kid when my parents took me and my sisters to see Benji in the theaters.... Very few words were spoken in that whole movie... but I remembered my sisters and I enjoying it -- until the end. Logically, it was a very happy movie... the helicopter came and was going to rescue Benji.... but in the eyes of my sisters and I, that wasnt the case because we didnt see it happen. Literally, my sisters and I were crying our eyes out on the way out of the theater.... and I remember my mom saying something like "why would they end it that way" ... Looking back on that whole situation, I now know my mom questioned why they would end the movie in a freeze frame with the helicopter still in the air -- but she never would have questioned it if it wasnt for my sisters and I crying because Benji never got rescued. As adults, we're mature so we just fill in the blanks and complete the story... Isnt it funny how Jesus said that unless we become like little children, we will never see the Kingdom of Heaven? I mean, look at us big and mature people.... we can fix anything, right? Makes me think of a conversation I had with a friend a few weeks ago about global warming.... We were talking about how everytime man tries to fix something that we screwed up in nature, we mess it up. We cut down trees, kill of a species of animals which throws things out of whack because of the balance of species so we introduce a new species into that area and that species ends up killing the others.... that kind of stuff. If we are so smart and so mature, then why are we so unhappy and screwing so much up? Sure we can work miracles but doesnt it seem that the miracles that man can create are only able to be done because of something else that we completely screwed up?

I think there is more to the becomming like children than we realize. We have to abandon the hope that *WE* can make it better and just let God make it better. Maturity is a good thing but often times spiritual maturity contradicts worldly maturity. Sometimes God does put some "magical" thing in front of us to speak to us... and satan is right there with someone talking to us about it to totally discredit it as an act of God by saying "thats just a coincidence" ... We need to believe in fairy tales because alot of times when God does something in our lives, its something like a fairy tale. It's something we've wanted to happen but was impossible. In 1985 my dad was in a motorcyle wreck and was given 10% chance of living. I was 5 years old and had no idea of what 10% chance of living meant. I cried as he was taken out of the hospital he was first taken to on a stretcher to be put in a helicopter to be taken to Allegheny General in Pittsburgh because they were the only hospital in the whole side of the state that was willing to even attempt to make him better. A few years later I remember my mom telling someone a story about a doctor talking to her at one point saying "You have to realize that if he actually does make it....." and her response was "what do you mean if he makes it"...... I lived my life as tho my dad was not dying.... My mom did the same.... and here we are in 2006 and my dad is not only alive but is completely walking under his own power. To anyone else, my dad living was a fairy tale -- but it was a fairy tale that my family believed in and God made it happen.

Living in Northern VA is a struggle for me because of the attitude of the entire area. People are obsessed with being better and making more money and getting a bigger house and a bigger car (and being able to afford the gas for that hummer). It's not how I was raised. Yet, at the same time, living in Northern VA is one of the best things that ever came my way. Maybe its a fairy tail that I enjoy living in an area that I hate? :) I have my share of problems -- ok, I have alot of them. I think one thing about Northern VA is the absolute abundance of children and schools and day cares in this area. Sometimes you just have to wonder why that is. Maybe all of us are so busy about becomming better and better that we surround ourselves with kids to bring a little bit of happiness into our lives because we can watch them believe the fairy tales that *WE* should be believing. At the same time, those kids are forced to grow up and think rationally at such an early age. We create a rational thinking teenager and they out smart us and make our lives a living hell. Alot of this is, of course, said tounge-in-cheek, but there is a reality to it. Maybe the biggest reason for me being in Northern VA is to be smacked in the face with what people do wrong? Im convinced the NoVA draws alot of people to the area and that 90% of those people it draws are totally self centered. Hey, this is where the money is at so if your not totally focused on money, this area has less of a draw to you, right? I wonder why New Life is spoken of in areas across the nation sometimes -- but maybe its because we're up against more than your typical church?

At any rate, I am in Northern VA and I know the people I know for a purpose that is grater than what I realize. What lies ahead for me, for New Life, for the people around me, and all of God's Children is nothing more than a fairy tales -- except, just as in the eys of those children watching [insert favorite kids movie here], this fairy tale is a reality -- and thankfully it happens whether we believe it or not. I think the best thing we can do is believe that fairy tale and enjoy it instead of not believe it and make our lives misserable.
Old man Wrigley lived in that white house
Down the street where i grew up
Momma used to send me over with things
We struck a freindship up
I spent a few long summers out on his old porch swing

Says he was in the war when in the navy
Lost his wife, lost his baby
Broke down and asked him one time
How ya keep from going crazy
He said I'll see my wife and son in just a little while
I asked him what he meant
He looked at me and smiled, said

(Chorus)
I raise my hands, bow my head
I'm finding more and more truth in the words written in red
They tell me that there's more to life than just what i can see
Oh i believe

Few years later i was off at college
Talkin' to mom on the phone one night
Getting all caught up on the gossip
The ins and outs of the small town life
She said oh by the way son, old man Wrigley's died.

Later on that night, i laid there thinkin' back
Thought 'bout a couple long-lost summers
I didn't know whether to cry or laugh
If there was ever anybody desevred a ticket to the other side
It'd be that sweet old man who looked me in the eye, said

(Chorus)
I raise my hands, bow my head
I'm finding more and more truth in the words written in red
They tell me that there's more to life than just what i can see

I can't quote the book
The chapter or the verse
You can't tell me it all ends
In a slow ride in a hearse
You know I'm more and more convinced
The longer that i live
Yeah, this can't be
No, this can't be
No, this can't be all there is

(Chorus)
When I raise my hands, bow my head
I'm finding more and more truth in the words written in red
They tell me that there's more to life than just what i can see
I believe
Oh, I
I believe
I believe
I believe
I believe
I believe

"Believe" by Brooks and Dunn
Wow.... lots going on in my head right now.... Maybe I'll blog a bit about it in a little bit.... Just got out of seeing a movie: "The Lady in the Water" ... It got some of the worst reviews ever and I tried to talk myself out of going to see it, but I did anyway.... and I am soooo glad I did.... never thought I would see alot of my life revealed to me.... and actually, realize that one of the worlds... well, actually, THE worlds biggest problem is the lack of the ability to live life and to imagine the possible instead of seeing the impossible.

I have a purpose whether I see it or not...and through my life, I may have seen and may still see my purpose as being something that isnt even my real purpose. Its not about where I am or where I will be or where I was.... Its about what God has in store and its about following what it is and that is something that can be done without even knowing it. Things come into our lives and out of our lives and most of the time, it makes no sense at all.... but what we need to do is live our life... we need to quite getting tied up in what HAS to be done or what our next project is sometimes.... Maybe your purpose is at home with your family or its with your friends instead of at the office? No one stops to think about that. Being better than everyone else is more important than our own happiness. What got us this way? Why are humans so distracted from what life is.... why can't we live our lives to be happy instead of living our lives to be succesful? Why do we want "the best" for our children and think that the answer to that is them being a doctor or a lawyer? What if the best for our children is for them to be a garbage man and live one of the happiest lives ever? Its not about bragging.... God created us all in His own image -- the redundant thing that is said is that we are all created equal. If we are all in God's image, then we are equal, arent we?

Friday, July 21, 2006

Backported d-i images

If you are installing Debian and your using new hardware (especially SATA controllers), you want this ISO.
Wrapping up tonight and I have to say that I really enjoyed this day. We had a meeting at the church office related to the move and the possibility of not having an office for a few weeks. This, of course, means some really interesting things related to the computers and phones and such which is something that I have been working on for a while. The meeting went well but what was really nice was everyone thanking me for all the work I have been doing. You could tell they all meant it from their hearts and it really made me feel good. Despite all the times I have been depressed and upset recently, I know that I have a purpose and that meeting today proved it.

After I left New Life I went to work at the data center. Avi was down and we had alot of work to do on "The Beast" which is an insane server that has just been a nightmare from day one. But a 5U server with 48 SATA drives (total of 20TB of storage) and 5 to 6 drive controllers -- yea, pretty insane. But all in all, I think we had a good night. Really was nice talking to Avi and it seemed like we got along really well tonight. I really do appriciate this job and I hope that I am doing my best.... When you have a good boss, you really want to make sure you're doing your best.

So time to unwind and hit the hay.... have a good night all!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Honestly.... if it wasnt for the work that I do at my church and for the sweetest little boy in the world, Eli -- I'd really wish I was dead.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Blame it all on my roots
I showed up in boots
And ruined your black tie affair
The last one to know
The last one to show
I was the last one
You thought you'd see there
And I saw the surprise
And the fear in his eyes
When I took his glass of champagne
And I toasted you
Said, honey, we may be through
But you'll never hear me complain

'Cause I've got friends in low places
Where the whiskey drowns
And the beer chases my blues away
And I'll be okay
I'm not big on social graces
Think I'll slip on down to the oasis
Oh, I've got friends in low places

Well, I guess I was wrong
I just don't belong
But then, I've been there before
Everything's all right
I'll just say goodnight
And I'll show myself to the door
Hey, I didn't mean
To cause a big scene
Just give me an hour and then
Well, I'll be as high
As that ivory tower
That you're livin' in

'Cause I've got friends in low places
Where the whiskey drowns
And the beer chases my blues away
And I'll be okay
I'm not big on social graces
Think I'll slip on down to the oasis
Oh, I've got friends in low places

3rd Verse:
I guess I was wrong
I just don't belong
But then, I've been there before
And everything is alright
I'll just say goodnight
And I'll show myself to the door
I didn't mean to cause a big scene
Just wait 'til I finish this glass
Then sweet little lady
I'll head back to the bar
And you can kiss my ass

Monday, July 17, 2006

Thank God I slept most of the day..... even now it's still over 90F ... freaking hot!
So I dont typically review things on my blog, but this is more of a warning than anything else.... Dont EVER buy anything from noonshopper (noonshopper.com). After order 2 CF cards from them, my order sat in their system as pending for more than 2 weeks. Contacting them was pointless as I never received a response. Finally, I had no other choice than to file a paypal complaint. In order to keep their paypal record clear, they refunded my money and offered NO explanation. In fact, they even left the comments section on the paypal dispute blank. Now I am behind in the project I was working on.

Stay away from them.... they are horrible!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Just some technical mind-rambling......

I'm becoming more and more familar with internet technology than I had imagined I would and there is something that I'm just not understanding: Why is everyone pushing to IPv6 rather than another type of redesign. It's obvious that IPv4 does not have enough addresses for the load the future holds for the internet but wouldnt it make more sense to keep the IPv4 addressing and use another form of routing? The main thing I am thinking of is something like an update to the current DNS protocols. Instead of every device having a new IPv6 address, couldnt we just assign every network an IPv4 address and have the DNS system be able to resolve an address to an address AND port. Basically, this would put the control in the hands of the people running their own private networks. You assign every device a specific port and a specific name in DNS and when a computer looks to access that device, it receives the address and port that it is allocated on on the private network and off it goes. This is very similar to what I am doing with my churches VoIP phones. Each phone has a specific port assigned to it and our asterisk server has each extension preconfigured for a port. Each phone resolves DHCP and if its in our office, it is assigned a specific IP address which has its port automatically route to the address that it is assigned. If the phone is taken to the staff member's house, it just resolves to whatever since there are no other phones to conflict with it and Asterisk still knows the port that it will be listening on. It works very well, actually. So if you take this idea and deploy it so that DNS can do what I have preprogrammed Asterisk to do, wouldnt that make more sense than redesigning the entire address space on the net? Granted, DNS would change but I think that would me a much lower impact than what IPv6 may create.

Granted, I am *FAR* from a networking guru. I'm just curious what is wrong in my thinking -- or is there anything? Just want to know what other people's thoughts are on this.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

I'm so emotionally drained.... Yea, what else is new? I just don't know what to do or where I can even turn. I don't even know who I am anymore. I've lost everything about me. I could sit here and just blame people but ultimately, I'm the screw up. Even if my failure is just that I ant deal with people not liking me. I can't find anything good about me. Everything that meant anything to me is gone. Everyone that meant something to me is also gone. Some people say I've done well... Maybe so. But I've lost the joy of living. I'm not depressed but I'm not happy.

I don't know where I am. I used to blog here to make me feel better but now I blog here part out of habit and part out of the hope that someone in the future will read it and feel like they aren't alone. A year ago I would blog and could count on people reading it and leaving a comment or sending an email. There was so much encouragement in those but I don't see them anymore. Seems like my blog was a good sitcom. People came to it... Well, they must have saw something. But just like those shows, I guess my blog has ran its final season. I mean, ill still be blogging because its what I do but I guess its just become a diary now. I never kept a diary/journal because I didn't see the point in writing to no one. When I found blogging, it offered a lot more. It was living and breathing... Hell, I was living and breathing. But now its all stale. Nothing new... Ever. Same old stuff I guess.

I hate this emotional numbness but its all I have. In some ways I wish I was depressed. Its better than not really knowing how you feel.

Friday, July 14, 2006

I just got a bulletin on myspace about the truths of myspace and ... yada yada yada.... So I posted my own version of the truths of myspace and thought I would post them here too.

Myspace Truths

#1 - There is no such thing as a myspace tracker. Quit posting to all of your friends hoping that it will magically appear - It wont!

#2 - 25,000 Friends? I'm calling bull. People on your friends list may not all be people you know. Sometimes you add them to read their bulletins and get to know them but there comes a point when you have too many "friends" to read their bulletins. If you want to look more popular, adding random people that you arent even interested in is not the way. All it is a sign to say "move along, nothing to see here"

#3 - Posting a picture that says OMG Im so ugly is kind of pointless. If you believe your ugly, why post it? If you're looking for someone to make you feel better, then how about TALKING to them rather than hoping they just randomly disagree with you.

#4 - Threatening people on the internet is pointless. You shouldnt have enough information on your profile to find you physically and if you do, you deserve whats coming to you. Arguing on the internet is like the special olympics -- even if you win, you're still retarded.

#5 - Myspace is no longer ran by Tom. Myspace is now a corporation and no longer has the interest in what is fun and such - they want money. Crying in your bulletins about how Tom should add this or that is pointless. Tom is a great guy but he's not in control. You're getting nowhere.

#6 - Sixth graders dressing like sluts are not making themselves any cooler. What is the point of pretending you are 18 if you really arent? You want sex? Hate to break it to you, but myspace isnt going to get it for you. Put on some clothes and grow up like everyone has to do. Myspace is a place to communicate with people and to make friends and to find old friends -- not a place to get laid and tempt old guys into breaking the law.

#7 - Me not adding you as a friend isnt cause to kill yourself. Move on with your life and find another friend to add as a popularity booster (see #2 above).

#8 - Read and respond to your friend's bulletins. Maybe not every single one but if you have too many bulletins to read and care about, maybe you should re-read #2 above (again).

#9 - If you dont repost a bulletin in 10 mins some strange ghost is not going to come and kill all of your family. Pass on bulletins that you agree with. Fill out surveys that are fun. If you dont agree with something, dont pass it on. If the survey isnt fun, dont repost it. Again, myspace is a place to keep in touch and meet new peope and learn about those people. The more stupid stuff you post makes it harder to do that and when you say that someone needs to repost it in 43 seconds or less, you arent making anything happen except being annoying. If someone had to post something in 43 seconds or less, then they apparently didnt read it and didnt think about it -- you've accomplished nothing.

#10 - Lying about your age doesnt change the fact of how old you are. Saying you're 18 does not make you 18. If you are 16, say you are 16 and make friends that like you for who you. If someone is looking for people that are over the age of 18, then you probably dont want to talk to those people if your not 18.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

At this point I have been up for 35 hours..... You wanna talk about being drained? The worst part is that I dont feel that I got much accomplished even tho alot of that time was working on one single server.... Not much more to say.... im heading to bed very soon.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I'm glad you picked up the phone.
Yeah, I know that we both agreed,
We'd leave each other alone.
We're just wastin' our time,
We know it ain't right.
There's no goin' back, but havin' said that:

I wish you would come over,
An' drink my best bottle of wine.
If you can lay on my shoulder,
An' I can lean on you just one more time.
You can mess up head,
An' mess up my bed,
An' leave before the mornin' light.
I need your on again, off again, on again tonight.

I don't expect things to change.
We've got to get on with our lives.
Space is a beautiful thing,
When you need some room.
I don't know about you, but I'm lonely right now:
I'm just thinkin' out loud.

I wish you would come over,
An' drink my best bottle of wine.
You can lay on my shoulder,
An' I can lean on you just one more time.
You can mess up head,
An' mess up my bed,
An' leave before the mornin' light.
An' I need your on again, off again, on again tonight.

Well, no, I don't care; I can come over there,
An' I can drink your best bottle of wine:
'Cause I need your on again, off again, on again;
Your on again, off again, on again tonight.
Again tonight.

"On Again Tonight" by Trent Wilson

Saturday, July 08, 2006

QDB: Quote #38395

* byra bounces like a retard
Are you listening to something bouncy?
nope.
im listening to the hum of computers
Well, that always perks me up.
The comforting whirr of fans, the faint ozone smell.. ah, I love that new computer smell you get when you buy a new case.
The slick texture of anti-static bags..
the clink of mounting hardware
-stop- you're turning me on!
ooh la la.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Google Enters the Dictionary as a Verb - Computing -
Argh! You know, there are so many people that whine and moan about different things that happened in history. When the decission was made to do this or that, those same people didnt voice their opinion because it didnt matter. Now, we face this net neutrality issue and everyone is just "well, what will happen will happen" or says "there is no way they could get away with that" .... they say this as congress passes laws in favor of abolishing net neutrality. In 5 years, everyone is going to be bitching and moaning that they can't access this site or that site or how some of their favorite sites were put out of business by Verizon, AT&T, Comcast, etc.... These will be the same people that are already upset that their cable companies and telephone companies have them by the neck.... yet they all just sit by and do nothing. They cant even pick up the phone and place a simple phone call to tell their senator that they support net neutrality.

This really is frustrating me.... I cant believe there are so many people that are just willing to sit back and let these companies rule our world.
Techdirt: ABC Says People Wouldn't Mind If TiVos Can No Longer Fast Forward

Now this is classic.... Dont laugh too loud.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

eBay Strategies: eBay BANS Google Checkout

Holy freaking crap, batman! This has got to make one of the top ten bonehead moves of the year.... brace yourself, everyone.... this is gonna get interesting.
Microsoft faces second WGA lawsuit | Tech News on ZDNet
Im so feeling like crap..... I tried taking it easy today but that might have done me worse.... not sure whats up.... alot of pain in my chest.... could be the whole stomach thing or the whole stress/anxiety thing.... Either way, I do not feel good at all :(

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

this is not an after concert parking lot... this would be one of the lots at vienna metro station.

honestly tho.... what a freaking awesome night. dc's fireworks are awesome and I think everyone needs to see them at least once.... awesome night... I have soooo much energy and I just feel great.... I love being with people.... and having someone to hang out..... and most importantly, I was actually talking to a lot of random people in dc... its a great feeling to meet new people.

the metro is a tad full :)

somewhere in this mass of people is the line to get on the metro. actually, this mass od people IS the line.... I think it might be quicker to walk to vienna :)

The sky is getting prety clear. they said they are expecting more rain but not until after 11 so we're hoping for he best

there are a few people here :)
the fortunate thing is it poured about 45mins ago and I think it scared a lot of people off. it is really nice weather right now so lets hope it stays that way.

Haha... So we're on the metro and andrea and I are talking about getting lost in dc and she said she always get lost in this one area. She said she wished she had a map so she could show me and the kid in front of hands her a map. My first thought: this kid is not from around here :) we actually ended up talking for a while and found out that he was from Orlando and it all made sense. One thing I really miss from down there is how friendly everyone is. I remember moving back to PA and thinking how "less nice" people were. I say it that way because Pittsburghers are not mean - they just aren't as nice as floridians. The funny thing is now when I go visit PA I feel like I'm around the nicest people in the world. Of course i'd feel that way because when you put them against northern virgians - well, those who have been here know. But it was really nice having a flashback to the friendlyness of florida.

I hope I don't become a northern virginian in that sense. Its definitely my home now - I just want to remain a nice person and a good person - someone who looks out for others.

So I actually found a friend that wants to go into DC to see fireworks!!!! :)

If anyone wants to meet up with us, send me a page. Also, here is a nice little map I found in case anyone is going:
Washington-DC-Fireworks-Map.jpg
I hate feeling helpless when someone needs help and I just cant help.... I used to think it was the worst feeling in the world.... but what is still worse is when you want to help but your affraid to help because the help wont be welcomed.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Im in Maryland right now on my way home.... You know whats different
this time? My mom didnt tell me she loves me before I left like she
always has before.... and the thing was, it was intentional. It wasnt
that she forgot.

I keep trying to believe that I have people in my life that care about
me but it seems like the people that I make myself believe care about me
really dont... and then im left with one less person.... Right now, I
can count on one hand the people that I believe care about me..... and
none of those people are related to me nor do they live in the same
state as me.

Someday I'll be calloused enough that these things wont hurt me
anymore.... I'm already able to hide it from those around me but
eventually, it wont hurt anymore.... at least thats what I'm hoping
for. Every week I have a new reminder that I cant rely on anyone. I
cant rely on family or friends. I cant rely on those I date. I have
learned in the past that I cant rely on co-workers. I really start to
wonder if I'm alone in this feeling or not.... I mean, it seems that
everyone gets hurt and has lots of people they cant rely on.... but
everyone around me seems to at least have one person that they know they
can go to at any given time... I dont have that.... I thought I did
multiple times....

Really, there is only one miracle going on right now... and that is that
I am not suicidal... Which, really amazes me to be honest. I really
have nothing.... yet I seem to just keep hoping that something is
ahead.... I dont want to die right now and if you look at my past, this
really is a miracle that I want to live in this situation. I guess what
I do have is my church.... I know I am important to them so I guess the
difference is that this time I know I have at least a little bit of a
purpose.

At any rate, I left PA and I could have been killed on the way down here
or I could be killed on the rest of the way home but it doesnt matter
much to anyone.... and now I know that it doesnt much matter to my
family either.

Channel 11's Trisha Pittman Sits Down With Jolt Co-Owner

Saturday, July 01, 2006

This just isnt fair :(

I was really relaxed tonight... it felt so good.... and now I just cant get anything off of my mind... just racing thoughts.... Im gonna take some medicine and head to bed I guess.... hopefully I feel better tomorrow.... I'm supposed to be hanging out with a friend tomorrow night that I havent seen in a while so hopefully that will cheer me up.

On a side note, the show was really awesome tonight.
So I could blog about what a great time I had at Cirque du Soleil at Mellon Arena tonight.... or possibly about the awesome drive home hanging out with my sisters... or how I completely nailed a curb and blew a tire and damaged a second and turned that into a fun experience.... Yea, for a few hours it seemed like this was actually going to be an awesome night.... FINALLY was going to be able to relax for once....

Oh, but then.... the absolute LAST person that I thought actually cared about the fact that everyone dumps everything on me... the only person I believed really understood how busy I was and actually didnt think about her self and actually thought about how much was on me.... yea, that person just dumped it all on me.... so that pretty much screwed up the first night that I actually had alot of fun....

Honestly, if it wasnt for the fact that I have a donut tire on my car right now and need to get tired in the morning, I would be driving home.... actually, I'm debating getting a hotel room....

Chalk another f'd up night for me... thats about what... hmmm, should be about 48476786774 days in a row now.... Me, relax? right... it'll apparently never happen.