It's been a long time since I've posted a blog and an even longer time that I've posted about stuff going on in my life but I guess this is the post that breaks that streak.
To sum things up, they aren't really good right now. First and foremost is financial issues. Running a business that depends on computers failing seems like it would be a stable income but the truth is it's not but while it's always had it's ups and downs it has never been anywhere close to this bad before. I occasionally get stressed about money but I usually deal with it and move about my life and just trust that God will take care of it and while I'm trying to best to do that now as well I'm struggling because I've honestly never been this scared about money before in my life and it hurts exceptionally bad that I worked so hard and 6 months ago had my credit score up to over 700 and now I'm lower than I've ever been. This is all I'm really going to say about that right now.... Just thinking about it gives me the sensation of a pending panic attack -- and that is something that I really seriously hope that I don't have to start experiencing again. I guess until they take my car or my house all I can do is my best.
I guess the second thing is the panic issue.... actually, its more of a depression issue. If you look years back in my blog posts you'll realize that I was really having difficulties and that is a place that I never want to visit again, however, this period of my life is the closest that I've ever been to those issues and I'm afraid of a downward spiral taking place. Why is this? Quite simply, a lot has happened. Currently I'm taking a break from firefighting and that is taking a toll on me. One of the largest reasons I joined the fire department was because it was something to do since I really didn't have anyone around me and it really did fill a void. I think what's toughest is that it seems that a lot of people that I figured were friends outside of the fire department really aren't as much as I had thought. It's not true of everyone but at the same time I'm kind of realizing that being part of the fire department is a good thing but it's not quite as good as it had initially seemed. I want to go back and you may ask why I don't just do that but there really isn't an easy way to answer that. There have been some issues at the department that I haven't felt comfortable with for over a year but I did my best to deal with it but recently those things have been getting a bit worse and I've been feeling a bit alone in certain things and I just plain don't feel comfortable with things right now. I pray to God that changes soon but right now, I need to stay away. I am still working with the computer systems at the county level but even that has been a bit stressful with the way some people have been. There's a lot of times that I just plain wish I didn't join the fire service at all.... but on the other hand, I miss it and I want to get back to it as soon as possible. Of course this happens when I volunteer places because I want to help so much and I do and then it just unintentionally becomes something that is taken for granted. You end up deciding you'll never volunteer again but then your volunteering nature comes out and it happens again. I guess its the person I want to be but sometimes it's really tough to deal with and I guess it's exceptionally hard for me to deal with because outside of my volunteering projects I'm all alone. Most people have a group of people that they can fall back on but looking at my life over the last few weeks I literally have not left my house with the exception of going to work, stopping to buy groceries, or bowling a few games (alone, of course). I'm not exaggerating when I say that I literally have gone stretches of 3 or 4 days where I didn't so much as walk out on to my porch. It sounds pathetic, and I guess the reality is that it is pathetic.... but, on the other hand, there isn't anything to do outside of my house.
I don't know what the solution is. All I really know is that I'm scared to death and really just a mess right now. I've been here before.... I got through it.... but the last time I was this much of a mess it certainly didn't clear up overnight..... I know God is out there.... in my heart I know that He has a plan..... and maybe it's just me screwing everything up and thats why His plan isn't working.... I just don't know. Please just keep me in your prayers right now.... I could really use them.... more than ever.