Sunday, December 31, 2006

about a half hour until 2007..... Lisa and I sit here waiting for it...... I had figured that I would just go to bed but Law and Order occupied the time so I might as well watch the ball drop, shed my first tears of 2007, pray that the year brings someone special in my life, and head to bed.

So this will most likely be my last post for 2006. Happy New Year! Hope yours is better than mine.

Thursday, December 28, 2006


Thats all to be said.....

first of all.... Hyundai Elantras are absolutely great cars and you should buy one.... but when you do, buy an extra set of headlights for both high and low beams and keep them in your car at all time. They WILL blow out both at the same time and they WILL leave you stranded. I suggest doing drills of changing headlights because, well, you never know when the emergency will hit you. And I also suggest that you not attempt to "make it home" on high beams when you are in this great commonwealth of Virginia.... the cops WILL find you.... and they WILL pull you over.... by God's grace I somehow didnt get a citation.... just got yelled at a good bit.

Oh, and dont even think about relying on Wal Mart for the headlights you need.... I had someone take to me to Wal Mart to get new bulbs and they didnt have any in stock.... OF ALL 4 FREAKING BRANDS THAT THEY CARRY!

Then..... add to it tiff drama that just somehow finds me.... I havent talked to the girl and have no desire to talk to the girl but yet the drama finds a way to get me.... I had a box of stuff that I kept that was my "memories" of Tiff..... last week I shipped the entire box to her because I have no interest anymore.... yet, no matter how hard I try to stay away from all that crap, it finds me.... and its getting irritating...... I just want that whole era of my life to be erased... I want to have no memory of her.... but that's all just wishful thinking.

tonight I decided to stay at the data center later and just nto work my 2 hour shift tomorrow morning..... I need a vacation.... a long one.... not just an extended holiday weekend.


AACS DRM (HD-DVD/Blu-Ray) Cracked

Well, that didnt take long!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Hello again
Your words they make me smile
As I drift away
In my little room upstairs

Oh I spend my nights
Imagining your face your touch
Then I realize
How I don't even know your name

If we could share our time
Would I disappoint your fantasies
I believe that you could be the one I'm needing
'cause I'm

only lonely on the inside
didn't mean to take away your dreams
only lonely on the inside
when you close your eyes to your deepest thoughts

I could start to give apologies
For all the stupid things That I will say and I will do
If we should ever cross the same place at the same time
Would your world skip a beat 'cause it was me

If we could share our life
Would I disappoint your memories
I believe that I could be the one your needing
And I'm


If I could give back your hopes your joys your treasures
Don't you think that I would change my world
But there's so many things trying to pull us together
Even though we're far apart I can still watch you walk away

Only lonely on the inside
Didn't mean to take away your dreams
Only lonely on the inside
When you close your eyes do you see me

"Only Lonely" by Hootie and the Blowfish

Monday, December 25, 2006

You don't know how it tastes until you try.
You don't know how to laugh till you cry.
You don't know where you've been till you're homeward bound,
And you don't know what you've lost until it's found.


Once I thought the world was made for me.
Once I thought experience was free.
Never knew you'd have to pay the price,
Then I found you sometimes pay it twice.

You don't know how it tastes until you try.
You don't know how to laugh until you cry.
You don't know where you've been until you're homeward bound,
And you don't know what you've lost until it's found.


Now I've done some living and I know,
Everything you gain is bound to go.
Then one day my luck just turned around.
The thing I loved and lost is lost and found.

You don't know how it tastes until you try.
You don't know how to laugh until you cry.
You don't know where you've been until you're homeward bound,
And you don't know what you've lost until it's found.

You don't know how it tastes until you try.
You don't know how to laugh until you cry.
You don't know where you've been until you're homeward bound,
And you don't know what you've lost until it's found.

"Lost and Found" from Fraggle Rock Episode 4 "You Can't Do That Without a Hat"


Sunday, December 24, 2006

Earlier this fall I was told by someone that I was the best birthday present ever.... I can only hope that someday someone becomes the best Christmas or birthday present to me.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Every year that goes by I seem to dislike Christmas more and more..... I love decorating and I love Christmas lights but I wonder if that is just me trying to force myself to like something that I just dont like anymore.... There just isnt any excitement in it anymore. Maybe someday if I ever have a wife and kids it will become more again.... but for now, Im content with just me and Lisa hanging out.... Truth be told, I think I could have probably had the same Christmas experience staying in VA rather than coming up here to PA.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

My brakes are on fire
From trying to slow down
I'm always burning my tires
And my horn is to loud
I catch people looking funny at me
When I step to the window and I toss a TV
Sometimes I get crazy and it makes a big scene
But when I hit 21 I wanna stand up and scream
I'm filthy rich with laughter, I'm too big for the room
You know from two stories up
A Zenith makes a big boom
It's hard to get around in a six foot town
When your ten feet tall everything is so small
I'm always bumping my head
I'm way to long for the bed
It's hard to get around
In a six foot town.
Some people live inside a tiny little box
Their preoccupied about mismatching their socks
I never been one to worry about much
I just wanna laugh and love
I just wanna live it up
It's hard to get around in a six foot town
When your ten feet tall everything is so small
I'm always bumping my head
I'm way to long for the bed
It's hard to get around
In a six foot town.
Sometimes I stumble just because of my size
But hey y'all that's alright
That's the way God made me
I am what I am
And I can't do nothing bout that
It's hard to get around in a six foot town
When your ten feet tall everything is so small
I'm always bumping my head
I'm way to long for the bed
It's hard to get around
It's hard to get around in a six foot town
When your ten feet tall everything is so small
I'm always bumping my head
I'm way to long for the bed
It's hard to get around
In a six foot town

"Six Foot Town" by Big & Rich

Why is it that the closer we get to Christmas, the more "blah" I
feel.... Just seems like everything is frustrating me.... And then
there is UPS to top it all off.... I will begin making a conscious
effort never to use UPS again which includes shopping from merchants who
ship via DHL, USPS, or FedEx..... When you're waiting for a Christmas
present to arrive so that you can ship it to someone else and you then
find out that UPS decided to keep it in the distro center right across
the street for 4 days without telling anyone, well, yea, you'd be kinda
pissed too.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

So I really like DeLorme Street Atlas for use with my GPS but I didnt see any information regarding an OSX version of the software so I emailed them asking them if they had any plans to support Macintosh computers. This was the response I got:

Dear Bob:

Thank you for your e-mail. At this time DeLorme does now support the new Intel-based Macintosh computers running Boot Camp for Windows XP. We do not support any other Macintosh operating system or Parallels.



This has to be one of the worst cop outs I've seen in a while. This was my response:

That is hardly "Macintosh compatible" and anyone who understands what Boot Camp is would also understand that you can run basically any Windows app that way.

My question was if you had any plans to build a *native* OSX application?


Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I so often wish that I could understand more about the human mind and why people do what they do.... why do they believe that doing that opposite of what they should do is the best option? What drives us to lie and to hurt others?

A few hours ago I was really taken back by what I experienced. It boggles my mind that some people can do all they can to try to convince you that they care about you, but yet everything else they do or say seems to contradict what was told before. Worse yet, I can not understand why you can be an ignored and unimportant person but all of a sudden you make a mistake and next thing you know, you're the only thing that matters -- in a negative sense, of course.

It seems that the entire human race is becoming so much more self centered than I think our ancestors could have even dreamed of. Everything is someone else's fault... and we are becoming experts at convincing ourselves that it's not our fault. Quite honestly, I have been developing that ability and I hate it..... well, when I am thinking rationally, I hate it.

Why are people in debt? Well, it's because credit card companies give them more credit than they can handle, right? I mean, it should be everyone else's responsibility to give them guidelines and know what's best for them.... but dont you DARE tell them what they can and can't do.... that is, of course, discrimination.

At work last week I was talking to someone who was explaining why she really enjoyed working with a certain person. It wasn't because he was a perfect person.... it was because when he made a mistake, he owned up to it. It was honesty that got him to where he is and the friendships he has may or may not be plentiful, but they are meaningful.... because everyone knows that they can fully trust him.

I think the most comforting feeling in the world is knowing that you can trust someone and knowing that someone trusts you. I don't think there is anything better than that aside from the Love that God gives us. Maybe that's why so many people get aggrivated when they are micro-managed. I don't think it's so much that they don't want leadership in their lives as it is that they don't feel trusted to make the right decissions.... and if you aren't trusted, how can you really excel at what you are doing.

Something that God really spoke to me a few days ago I think really applies here. We think of what Jesus went through.... the pain He went through when He was nailed to that cross. It is a physical pain that I don't think any of us could even imagine.... but there is something deeper that I think people miss the boat on so often. Jesus took the sins of the world upon him. Jesus was spit on and laughed at. People mocked him all over the place. I've always said that I would rather have horrible physical pain than a little emotional pain.... think of Jesus in this light and try to imagine what He went through. I can't. And what I can imagine, hurts like hell. Imagine the people that lied to Him and emotionally abused Him. Think of all this and then ask yourself if God really understands how you feel.

It's so hard when people don't tell you what they mean but one thing I have realized is that you can almost always tell what someone is truly feeling if you pay enough attention to them. We've calloused ourselves into hiding the pains that we experience.... sure it means that we can endure more, but all it means is that our hearts become hard and untouchable.... It may sound like a good thing, but it's the complete opposite of what we were created for. Love is the center of everything but yet it's the farthest thing from our minds and even our hearts.

We've got to stop looking at others and what they do wrong and start realizing that we all sin and we all make mistakes. Instead of becoming defensive, we need to let others in so that we can all live happily. We're meant to be around people and we're meant to help one another. So why would we tell someone something and then not listen to what they have to say back? I think in most cases, we're just afraid of what they are going to say.... more so, we're afraid that they might actually say something and be right -- and all we want is to be angry with them

Monday, December 18, 2006

It amazes me how it seems that a large ratio of Christians are alot ruder than non-Christians. I have been a member of CPLUG (Central PA Linux User Group - for over a year now and the members are some of the nicest people in the world and are always willing to help you out. No matter how dumb of a question, no one belittles you -- but, sure, they'll make fun of you, in good fun.

So a few months ago I found this other Linux Group (CS-FLUG - is a collection of Christians who want to talk about Linux and open source and how it relates to the Church. I'll tell you, that no matter what I have posted to that group, I have basically always had a rude response back. My first post got a very quick response scorning me for top posting, yet others do it just fine.... and my last post was something that I was wrong about but instead of someone actually pointing out my mistake, they reply with a rude one-liner. Needless to say, I unsubscribed tonight.

And then other Christians ask me why I like to hang out with non-Christians more than fellow Christians.....

Sunday, December 17, 2006

"Statistics show 80% of marriages end because of divorce"
-Brett Andrews, New Life Christian Church, Dulles Campus 12/17/06


Saturday, December 16, 2006

10 years of driving and I have never hit a sobriety check point.... so the one night I go to a party and drink alot, guess what happens?

What? Soda! my goodness.... i just drank alot of soda and had to pee and really didnt feel like sitting in line.... and it was a church party.... where is your mind?


Today was an incredibly great day.... the New Life staff Christmas party was tonight.... and of course I was the last person to leave and get lost and end up at a checkpoint..... it really was a great night... I really enjoy the New Life staffers....

Im going to bed... poor Lisa was alone all day and I didnt even get to play with her in the morning like I usually do so I want to get up early and spend some time with her.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Tonight is the first in a while that I have had trouble falling asleep... Ive been thinking about a few things and Im gonna try to get them out.

I think its safe to say that just about every day we face fears and every day we have to decide whether we win or our fears win... and its so much easier to let our fears win. I think its our instinct to run from trouble and from our problems... its easier to lie to ourselves than to face our fears... and then we condition ourselves so that the only options we see are the options that involve lying.... we start the ball rolling down the hill and we end up out of control.... once that happens. its then even easier to just let go and let the mess continue. I mean, have you ever tried to stop a rolling snowball that is 10 times your size.... we eventually look around and realize the mess that we have created and I guess we may feel overwhelmed... so we just give up all together? Maybe this is why there are so many suicides now?

I think back over the last few years of my life. I thank God that He has really got me to a place where I can really face fears and put my faith in Him.... but yet, there are still many things that end up snowballing for me. I let my gaurd down for less than a few seconds and next thing I know I am trapped in a world of addictions. I guess my fear is that Ill never be free.

The point is that we really need to overcome our fears. There is so much excitement when we do.... and so much more freedom. Even at work I sometimes feel trapped because of my fear of mice... and I am working on it.... but the fact that I am now able to stand next to the small animal pens and see how many mice we have.... well, it makes me feel good. Its a huge accomplishment to me.

Whatever our fears are, we need to work at overcomming them. Maybe its the fear of riding a roller coaster... and you get on and have the ride of your life. Maybe its a fear of breaking something but you try to fix it anyway and you gain a skill that helps you in life..... maybe something you feel like you should do for someone but your affraid of the reaction and you do it anyway and see a smile that warms your heart.... maybe you see the girl of your dreams and you overcome your shyness and end up happily married..... maybe its just reaching out to someone you lost touch with or a relationship that turned sour and you remember what they meant to you and the joy they brought you.

I do believe that God gave us mountains so that we could learn how to climb.

Did anyone else ever just wonder who talks about you and backstabs you? Or even just wonder what people think about you?

To me, it honestly doesnt matter what people think of me, but it doesnt mean that I'm not curious. The only thought that bugs me is that I offend someone and that person doesnt tell me that I offended them so that I can make it right. I guess it all goes back to the honesty thing.... We destroy ourselves by not being honest -- and we destroy those around us.... and even the thought that someone may be lying because you can't trust them can be tough.

There really hasnt been too much on my mind recently. I've really been content recently and really happy with the way things are. I do still wonder exactly where God is taking me but I guess I'll find out when I get there. I am really loving my job at Fox Mill Pets.... sure, I've hit those frustrations that every job has but it's so much more rewarding than the tech field.

So as you can probably tell, I decorated my blog for Christmas. I really do love this season... I love Christmas tress and the like..... shocked my roomies when they came home and found 3 Christmas tress.... but hey, thats life, right? :) There honestly isn't too much that I want for Christmas.... well, I mean, I have my wish but there certainly aren't any girls around that have an interest in making that wish come true....

Well, I'm gonna spend at least a little bit of time here with Lisa and get myself to bed early.... I've not been getting as much sleep as I should recently..... plus I open Fox Mill tomorrow so I need to be up early.

Monday, December 11, 2006

I am so going to be the father that panics about everything. Night thrashing is a somewhat common thing for cockatiels but tonight was the first time Lisa did it and it scared the crap out of me.

anyway... back to trying to sleep....

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Man have I had better days :(
I know not many people that would be reading this follow tech much but I wanted to put the Kim family in my thoughts and prayers here anyway. James Kim was the editor in chief at CNet, a company responsible for a lot of the podcasts I listen to as well as the operator of many popular websites.

James Kim and his family were traveling when they became stranded. James built a fire for his family and then set off for help. Earlier this week the family was found and the search continued for James. On Wednesday, James' body was found just miles from shelter.

"In my eyes, as a father, and in the eyes of his family, he is a true hero. He took the difficult but at the same time easy decision to risk his life to save the lives of those he loved the most...Rest in peace, brave man."
--CNET reader

CNET's James Kim: 1971-2006

Lisa is almost as much of a geek as I am :)
Believe it or not, this is her favorite place to be......

Thursday, December 07, 2006

It's snowing! :)
It may be just flurries but it counts...... strange thing is that last night I was walking around outside without a jacket.

I just hope I get to ski a decent bit this year

Monday, December 04, 2006

Every now and then I read back over some of my posts and I was just noticing how I mention Tiff at random times and some of those posts seem like I am trying to attack her. I just want to try and set things clear on that.

Tiff was, obviously, a very big part of my life.... and I do still care about her and I always will. This does not mean that I want to pursue a relationship with her again, and actually, I don't know that a friendship is even something that I would want at this moment. But since she was such a huge part of my life for such a long time the entire relationship was one lesson after another.

Nothing that I say is meant to put her down. I truly do wish her and Jason the best and I hope things work out well for them. I don't want to put any more stress on them than I know they already have. On the other hand, there were a lot of lessons that I learned in that relationship and lessons that I am still learning. I use the relationship Tiff and I had as examples to both myself and to anyone else that they may be helpful to.

As humans, we all make mistakes.... one after another. The only way that we can really thrive at life is to learn from our mistakes and to learn from the mistakes of others. This is why I think it is important to share things that some people think shouldn't be shared. If I screwed up somewhere and I admit it then I am not keeping any secrets, I can be held accountable for the future, and someone else can learn.

All of us are part of the same world and we need to begin accepting each other for who they are and we need to quit feeling like we need to hide who we truly are.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Three real life scenarios that are all the exact same thing.

First: A high school teacher who has her own shortcomings gives one of her students a retest... and another... and so on. She believes this student is capable of more and she wont stop giving him chances until he either passes or he gives up. As a student, you're sick of working towards it.... you actually want her to quit giving you chances so you can just take the failing grade and move on.

Second: When the issues started arising with Tiff I started having a really hard time trusting her but yet I believed that she had it in her to be honest .... So while I may have known something I still asked her the question.... I wanted her to tell me the truth so that I could reaffirm the belief that she had an honest heart. I wanted to hear the truth so that I could begin trusting her again.... but every lie -- even the little "white" ones just frustrated both of us in the long run. I was a person who had alot of his own problems but had a belief about someone and put faith in someone doing the right thing. Ultimately, I was let down when Tiff gave up and felt more comfortable lying than actually caring about the truth.

Those are just faliable humans having faith in another faliable human.... but the third is how God feels about us. He knows us and knows what we are capable of and He gives us retest after retest until we pass. The same way that the student became annoyed by the teacher and Tiff became annoyed by me, we often become annoyed with God. But see, God is not faliable. And to think that He still believes we are capable of something great is pretty incredible.

I am really glad that in the Bible we can see that even the great heroes were perpetually confused. Trying to understand this life is tough and trying to understand people is even more confusing. I am also really glad that in Christ, I have a direction.... whether I know what that direction is or not.

I am realizing how much I unintentionally annoyed people. Over the last 10 years of my life I have had many people really hurt me emotionally but the problem was that I let that ruin the few friends that were actually not hurting me. The problem was I was so consumed by my pain that I brought everyone else down.

So I am realizing this all now because I am on the other end of the spectrum. I am surrounded by people that are looking for something that I cant provide and they bring me down in the process. The worst part is that some of these people really make me feel uncomfortable.... some people use what I do have to offer as an excuse not to get better.... so then I am stuck in my own personality flaw of not being able to help someone and beating myself up over it..... so what do I do? I hate the fact that I cant help... but additionally I am affraid that the people who are now what I was will pull me back to that time of my life.... and thats just not good for anyone.

Friday, December 01, 2006

We were talking together
I said, "What's up with this weather?"
Don't know whether or not
How sad I just got
Was of my own volition
Or if I'm just missing the sun
And tomorrow, I know
Will be rainy at best
And the forecast, I know
Is that I'll be depressed
But I'll wait outside
Hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun
Because on and off
The clouds have fought for control over the sky
And lately, the weather has been so bi-polar
And consequently, so have I

But now I'm sunny with a high of 75
Since You took my heavy heart, and made it light
And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive

And the temprature's freezing
And then, after dark
There's a cold front sweeping
In over my heart
And we might break up
If I don't wake up to the sun

Because on and off
The clouds have fought for control over the sky
And lately, the weather has been so bi-polar
And consequently, so have I

And now I'm sunny with a high of 75
Since You took my heavy heart, and made it light
And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive

Sunny with a high of 75
Since You took my heavy heart, and made it light (Made it light)
And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive

"High of 75" lyrics / Relient K

Monday, November 27, 2006

He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do

and he said
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

He said I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn't
and I became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden going fishin
wasn't such an imposition
and I went three times that year I lost my dad
well I finally read the good book
and I took a good long hard look
at what I'd do if I could do it all again

and then
I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about
what'd you do with it what did you do with it
what did I do with it
what would I do with it'

Sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu
and then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I watched an eagle as it was flying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying

"Live Like You Were Dying" lyrics / Tim McGraw

Sunday, November 26, 2006

In high school, girls had the option of taking a child developement or parenting class or something of that sort. In the class, they were given an electronic baby to care for for something like 2 weeks.... I now realize that those electronic babies can easily be replaced with a female cockatiel.... :)

I love Lisa to death.... but she can certainly give me attitude at times :P

Quite honestly, there really hasnt been too much going on...... I did go see Stranger Than Fiction today with Carl.... and let me tell you, thsi quite possibly could be my new favorite movie.... it's rivaling Murder by Death in that category.... but this isnt just all comedy.... The thing about it is it's something that has never been done before..... keeps you guessing the whole way through. Anyway, it was an absolutely phenomenal movie and everyone should go see it...

Things at the pet store are going great. I can not tell you how much I am enjoying my job and how great all of the people I work with are. I'm able to relax much more and I just completely feel like a different person. Sure, new jobs are always somewhat relaxing because it's new and I know that over time the novelty won't be there anymore.... but the thing is, when I leave the pet store, I know that I have done something and I know that it's done and I don't have to worry about it until the next time I am there.

There is really alot on my mind.... things that God has really been showing me today but I don't think they are completed thoughts yet so I'm not going to delve into them until I feel the time is right.

God is good..... And He always will be!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

No one can remind you of how horrible of a person you are like your family can.

I really wish I would have just stayed in VA and just had a nice thanksgiving with just me and Lisa.

I am kind of worried tho because I think Lisa may be getting sick and I guess my uncle is right.... I should be ashamed of myself.......

Usually this is my favorite holiday.... but not this year.... :(

Monday, November 20, 2006

On my break at Fox Mill and I never realized how good it feels to relax..... Well, how it feels to be relaxed at all really.

I never realized how much computers were killing me. There is no doubt that God gave me a gift with what I know about computers but it totally consumed my life which was obviously a healthy thing.

But honestly, I think its more than just computers.... It has a lot to do with people. There were alot of companies that I worked for who really honestly enjoyed having me.... and Ive realized that the more I interacted with customers, the more the company I worked for enjoyed having me. I am able to talk to people..... I am still very shy in some scenarios but seeing a customer come into the fish area and saying hi to them.... thats nothing for me anymore. Being able to talk about something I have knowledge in other than computers is an amazing thing..... and honestly, seeing people go home with a new pet is awesome. And thats not just fish. I sold a puppy on Saturday and just seeing the kids' face light up was a really great thing to see.......

I am so happy with my life right now..... I pray that it stays this way. God is so amazing..... He knew where I needed to be and I eventually realized that I needed to take that leap of faith.... when I did - well, here we are :)

I walk the line
Leave it all behind
I've been waiting forever
Let's go back in time
When I could read your mind
So I've been waitin'
It took a season's going by
To know it's not my fault

I tried to be perfect.
Tried to be honest.
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted.
I tried to be stronger.
Tried to be smarter.
Tried to be everything but you...

It's been so long
Since you've been home
I used to wait up forever.
Used to say a prayer
Wishing you were there.
And I'm still waiting...

You told me once
You'd show up,
But I fell for that before
I fell to pieces

Then I woke up to no one
Just a picture of Jesus
And a house left in pieces
And it took a season's going by
To know it's not my fault.


I want you
I need you
I want to believe you
I want you
I need you
I want to believe you

I tried be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything but you...


"Everything You Have Ever Wanted" lyrics / Hawk Nelson

Friday, November 17, 2006

I never thought the day would come that I would start feeling tired at 10:30pm and going to bed before 1am.... actually, this is the latest I have been up in 4 days..... and it feels freaking great! I worked at Fox Mill again today and then went to the data center.... again, feeling very relaxed.... and God certainly confirmed to me today that I made the best choice, no matter how illogical it seemed.... God's timing is incredible. And all this that went on, I found time to talk to a genuine "real live geek girl" who -- get this -- is from ashburn and currently lives in Pittsburgh.....

Amazing, strange, and VERY cool stuff is happening.... I'm lovin' it! (no, not McDonalds)

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Just 2 days ago I was going over some information on marine fish at work and going over some stuff about starfish and I remembered something I learned back in science class in middle school. Starfish will regenerate if they lose a part of their body, however, if you cut them in half, you literally have 2 starfish that will regenerate. What I remember is how fisherman had lots of problems with starfish so it was an unwritten rule that if you saw a starfish, you picked it up, broke it in half, and threw it back in the water.... what those fisherman didnt realize is that they were actually building a much stronger starfish community.

I think this is what is happening with the church today. Satan is attacking so many churches and it seems that he is succeding at what he is doing but he still hasnt realized that when he attacks one of God's family, he just creates a scenario that brings more people into the kingdom.... In so many cases, Christian's souls regenerate. It's horrible when things happen with a pastor sinning.... considering what happened in Colorado especially.... Does this really make the church look bad? I guess it depends on who you are. If you are someone that is heart and soul against the church, then I'm sure it does -- but its not like anything else doesnt look bad in their eyes either. I think what happens when all of these "scandals" happen is that it becomes a testimony that Christians are actually real human beings -- which seems to be a very common misconception among the non-believers -- and mostly because we feel the need to act like we really are "holier than thou".

Think about it.... what's going to happen to the next church that has a "pastorial scandal?" .... Call it a hunch, but I think revival.... Satan may be attacking people and it may look bad but it's really producing something much more amazing.

When all of us Christians realize that it's not a bad thing to be human, maybe we'll be given a little more respect from those who are not Christians.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Yesterday was my second shift at Fox Mill.... today will be my third..... and I'm really liking the way things are working right now. I've noticed that I am much more relaxed and that I seem to be getting more accomplished. Sure, the money thing is still on my mind but its looking like I'm gonna just make it..... All I can really do is put it in God's Hands and let Him take care of it. I never thought the day would come that I would be waking up at 7am without my alarm even going off but it's a great feeling..... A really great feeling! One of the greatest things is that cell phones are not allowed to be on while your working in the store.... this means that I am completely separated from everything going on in IT Land which is something that is crucial for me.

So, yea, I'm really happy with the way things are right now!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

People laughed at me anytime I talked about the fact that Pizza Hut was seriously looking into burning the Pizza Hut logo into the moon so that everyone would see their logo. They eventually realized that the technology was there but was not cost effective...... Well, it's obvious that KFC and Pizza Hut are sister companies because who else would do this?
Well.... I've jumped.... and I'm free falling.... and just putting my faith in God that this is all going to make sense. Quite honestly, I have a huge peace about all of this... it doesnt mean that I'm not scared in some ways but I know that the decissions I am making are the best choices for me.... no matter how illogical they may seem.

It's been a while since I said this......

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Willie Parker is my hero!


Im posting this on my blog, sending it to friends, and some staff at New Life because I believe that everyone is, in some way, involved in the things God is doing in general and in my life. It is my hope that everyone would be encouraged by this email and that everyone would please lift me up in prayer.

Some of you are aware that I am looking for where God wants me as far as work and as far as what extent God has called me to ministry. I have felt a strong calling to be someone that God uses to support those who are fulfilling the great commission and not so much being the one that is "going into all the world." That is not to say that I will never reach someone directly. Recently things have been arising that have really made me question what I am supposed to do. It hasnt been that something is wrong like there was when I needed to leave Carpathia.... its more like something just doesnt "fit" right.

I have, frequently, been put in positions where God just wanted me to trust Him - no matter how things looked around me. It is something that I try my best to encourage those around me to do. I think it is one of the most important things in living life as a follower of Christ. Perhaps I have recently been ignoring this fact and the truth is that I am in the midst of one of the biggest leaps that I have ever had to take.

I know that things need to change. Some of you may have picked up on this when I said that I started working at the pet store. The problem that I have been facing is finding a way to have an income that would support my expenses. So far, nothing has opened up that meets this requirement and I have been reorganizing my thoughts and backtracking on decissions I have made - out of desperation. I believe that I may have only been delaying the inevitable - that I need to trust that God is waiting at the bottom of the canyon, ready to catch me, whether I can see Him or not. I guess that it's not a real test of faith if you can actually see God there.

Either way, I am at a deadline. Decissions have to be made and they have to be made abruptly. I can not keep delaying this any longer. For a while I had thought there was no other option but to drastically cut back on my volunteer time at New Life.... but then I remembered that that wasn't an option. God has been doing amazing things at New Life and it is where He wants me right now. As a result, I need to keep what I am doing there active and cut back on what I do in corporate america. That does mean that I will have a drastic cut in salary... right now it looks like my income is about to be less than half and I have to say I am scared because that amount is well below what you need to live in Northern Va. But the God I serve is stronger than this and He told us all that if He takes care of the birds in the sky that He would take care all of His children. He has never failed me before so all I can do is jump and believe that He will carry me and provide for my needs.

Here I am again, needing to make a decission that is completely illogical and, depending on how you look at it, irresponsible. I have no other option.... well, I could not follow God but, well, that isnt an option, is it?

I want to thank all of you for supporting me, and above all, praying for me. I pray that someday people will look back at my life and the struggles I have had and they will be ministered to. I guess we will see what happens.

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves
And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm in over...
Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

"Over My Head" lyrics / The Fray

Saturday, November 11, 2006

When you learn to trust your emotions instead of manipulating them, you will experience true love. - Lucy Alexis Smith

Friday, November 10, 2006

Sometimes it feels like this world
Is spinning faster
Than it did in the old days
So naturally, we have more
Natural disasters
From the strain of a fast pace
Sunday was a day of rest
Now it's one more day for progress
And we can't slow down 'cause
More is best
It's all an endless process

(Well) I miss Mayberry
Sitting on the porch drinking
Ice cold Cherry Coke
Where everything is black and white
Picking on a six string
Where people pass by and you call
Them by their first name
Watching the clouds roll by
Bye, bye

Sometimes I can hear this old
Earth shouting
Through the trees as the wind blows
That's when I climb up here on
This mountain
To look through God's window
Now I can't fly but I got two feet
That get me high up here
Above the noise and city streets
My worries disappear

(Well) I miss Mayberry
Sitting on the porch drinking
Ice cold Cherry Coke
Where everything is black and white
Picking on a six string
Where people pass by and you call
Them by their first name
Watching the clouds roll by
Bye, bye

Sometimes I dream I'm driving
Down an old dirt road
Not even listed on a map
I pass a dad and son carrying a
Fishing pole
But I always wake up every time I try
To turn back

(Well) I miss Mayberry
Sitting on the porch drinking
Ice cold Cherry Coke
Where everything is black and white
Picking on a six string
Where people pass by and you call
Them by their first name
Watching the clouds roll by
Bye, bye

Bye, bye
(I miss Mayberry, I miss Mayberry)

"I Miss Mayberry" lyrics / Rascal Flatts

Thursday, November 09, 2006

I dont know that I have ever been as confused and scared as I am right now.... but yet I still have somewhat of a peace. Right now I feel like I am wandering around my life like a chicken with my head cut off. Im so incredibly clueless and I feel like Im doing some things that seem stupid.... some I even feel like Im screwing myself over with... but yet, in a way I dont.

The Boy Next Door
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDm)

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet.

We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what.

Your exact opposite:
The 5-Night Stand

Deliberate Brutal Sex Master
On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold.

More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not.


CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: bblboy54
So today I started my new job.... It's just a part time deal for one or two days a week... I'm working at Fox Mill Pets doing general stuff but focusing, of course, on fish :) Today went really well and I was able to jump right in and start working on some tanks and getting some things taken care of. It was great not to have to have any training, tho I know some will be coming up when I start running the register and that type of thing. I'll also have to learn some stuff about what dog foods are best and stuff about other animals... I'm *REALLY* hoping not to ever have to deal with any of the mice since thats about the only thing in life that I am affraid of.

Anyway, my life is moving a mile a second and I'm just trying to hang on for the ride. There are alot of other things going on.... lots of stuff circulating and I have no idea what direction God is going to lead me in. I know that its not exactly logical to pick up a part time job when you are trying to cut back on how much you work -- but when has the right decission for me to make ever been logical? :) This seems like a good move to make at the moment.... we'll see what God does with it. I have to say that I feel alot better today having done something that was not my typical routine. I mean, no matter what I do it's all computer related.... So I guess that the thing that is really good about doing this is that it is time that is set aside every week that I don't focus on computer stuff and I focus on something that I enjoy: fish.

I'm sure more details will be posted here as they become available. Sometimes I wish things were planned out for me but I guess God has some pretty cool stuff in the works and if I knew what was going on, I'd just screw it all up.

Check out Fox Mill Pets (I work at the Franklin Farms store):
I was faced with alot of things tonight... The biggest question on my mind was regarding looking back. I was just doing some research on Scripture that might help me and God led me to Luke 9... I don't know why we, as humans, always want to look back on the things that we have let go of and did so for good reason, but it is definately a problem that we all have.

Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." -- Luke 9:62

Apparently it's a lot more critical than I thought. I think that this also can apply in some specific scenarios that would reverse what I said in my last post (about not giving up on a friend). Sometimes you can care too much. If a friend runs into a burning building, you're a great friend if you run after them -- however, if that friend makes it into the building then the wise decission is to stop. Only people that have the proper equipment will be able to succede at rescuing that person and if you enter the building unprotected, then you have brought more on yourself than you are able to deal with.

There is a point when a friend may not be thinking clearly and as brothers and sisters in Christ, it is our job to help them but when it gets to a point that they are determined to stay the way they are then it becomes our responsibility to eliminate any contact with that person because its no longer an issue of saving them but an issue of saving ourselves. The only thing we can do for the person in the burning building is call a fireman just like the only thing we can do for our friend who is determined to continue the way they are is call on God to help them. Once we eliminate that contact, it is important to realize that we did everything that we could.

He told them: "Take nothing for the journey—no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra tunic. Whatever house you enter, stay there until you leave that town. If people do not welcome you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave their town, as a testimony against them." So they set out and went from village to village, preaching the gospel and healing people everywhere. -- Luke 9:3-6

I can't imagine that when the disciples left a ton that they didnt still pray, but it was important for them to make a point and to leave. If you have advice (whether it be Godly or not), and someone has no interest in hearing it and they run from you, then it is time to shake the dust off your feet and not follow them into the building. You have made it to the edge of the fire and it's no longer your job -- if it was, God would have equipped you for it.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

When you have a friendship, a certain amount of love comes with that. So whenever you call someone your friend, you should weigh that friendship against 1 Corinthians 13.

A true friend will always care about the truth and won't reject what you have to say. A true friend is someone that will always be beside you but someone that will not water down what needs to be said. A true friend will give you his or her shoulder to cry on when it's needed. A true friend will never stop calling you their friend.

It really hurts to see a friend hurting... and it hurts even more to know that there is nothing you can do -- even harder still when they don't even want help and are content with being the way they are.

I really wish that some people knew that I loved them and understood that I can't just lie about what I believe in order to keep their friendship.

You gotta love when celeb's get a big head and make an idiot of themselves :)
I recently signed up on MatchFlick and thought that I would post a link to my movie reviews.

Anyone who is interested in movies could really benefit from this site. Actually, anyone who is thinking of going to see a movie could benefit from this site. Google actually pulls the user reviews from this site for their widget on the Google homepage so anyone who posts a review at MatchFlick will actually be adding to what Google's results are.

Anyway, if you watch movies a good bit, sign up... and add me as your friend! :)

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

MSN Music and Microsoft Zune are not compatible

One thing is for certain about Microsoft.... We may never see a new and innovative product from them and they'll probably always copy ideas from other companies.... but no one, and I mean no one (ok, maybe SCO), will ever come close to the innovative ways Microsoft can make themselves look like asses.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Ok, new rant!
Why in the world did AOL decide that it would be a good idea to have an invisible mode on AIM? It's stupid and annoying..... especially because of the people that hide behind it all the time. I mean, think of it.... if everyone who used AIM went into invisible mode, what would the point of the network be? If they have that option then they should at least give people the option to prevent that are in invisible mode from seeing your information.... its only fair!

I had been thinking of doing something for a while and Jodi made this post to her blog and gave me the kick I needed to get it done.

So anyway, I have a public notepad now. Mostly I've realized that I do the same thing Jodi did... tho the notes I keep having to refer back to are tech related and not cooking related. I have done a lot of projects and then later (sometimes years later) I have a need to do it again and I can't remember for the life of me how I did it. I've posted some things on this blog but I think at this point it's probably much easier to seperate my life story from that which I work on. I'm sure this blog will continue to contain a lot of tech rants and raves because that is my life, but I can't see my notepad containing any life information or any ranting and raving.

Anyway, if you want to check it out, here it is:

Comments on that blog are open to all so that anyone can add information to it.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Well, I have to say that yesterday was pretty freaking awesome!

I did absolutely NO work at all.... I met up with Josh and just gave him a tour of the data center and then I went down to Micro Center in fairfax to get a video card for my G5.... I walked around there for a while which is a dangerous thing for me but I only ended up getting a Radeon 9200 (yea, it's ATI but it all they had for Mac) and a USB hub... so I was pretty proud of myself. After that I stopped at a pet store to get some rock.... they didnt have much but I ended up actually hanging out with the people there... I think for something like 2 hours... it was really cool.... then I went home and Evan and I ended up going bowling.... It had been over a year since I had bowled but I was pretty impressed with myself.... I had a 190 and a 210.... We bowled alot more than that but it eventually became cosmic bowling so I just ended up playing around. I have to say I'm pretty sore today but thats ok :)

So... hopefully today will be just as much fun! I do have to stop at the data center after church but it should only be a 10 min stop.... lets hope for the best, right? :)

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Bob-Mertzs-Mac-Mini:~ bblboy54$ traceroute
traceroute to (, 64 hops max, 40 byte packets
1 ( 2.744 ms 2.015 ms 1.935 ms
2 ( 10.818 ms 9.550 ms 10.469 ms
3 ( 10.185 ms 9.877 ms 9.907 ms


11 ( 115.441 ms 115.683 ms 115.417 ms
12 ( 118.941 ms 118.648 ms 118.375 ms
13 ( 146.545 ms 144.898 ms 146.264 ms
Bob-Mertzs-Mac-Mini:~ bblboy54$

Friday, November 03, 2006

You know what you can compare my life to? A tube of toothpaste... you just keep squeezing it harder and harder and you get more and more.... It never runs out - it just gets harder to get something out of it because it has very little left to give. Eventually you replace that tube because you cant afford to give it any attention.

Thats my life.... I just give and never seem to receive. Every girl Ive ever dated just got what they could out of me and then I just wasnt worth the time of day after that. Just about every job was the same way. When I volunteered at many places.... same thing..... Im not asking for anything from anyone... it just would be nice not to have the life squeezed out of me.

Fight the fight alone
When the world is full of victims
Dims a fading light
In our souls

Leave the peace alone
How we all are slowly changing
Dims a fading light
In our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
The things we hold
Are always first to go
And who's to say
We won't end up alone


On broken wings I'm falling
And it won't be long
The skin on me is burning
By the fires of the sun
On skinned knees
I'm bleeding
And it won't be long
I've got to find that meaning
And I'll search for so long

Cry ourselves to sleep
We will sleep alone forever
Will you lay me down
In the same place with all I love

Mend the broken homes
Care for them they are our brothers
Save the fading light in our souls

In my opinion seeing is to know
What you give
Will always carry you
And who's to say
We won't survive it too


Set a-free all
Relying on their will
To make me all that I am
And all that I'll be

Set a-free all
Will fall between the cracks
With memories of all that I am
And all that I'll be


"Broken Wings" lyrics / Alter Bridge
Ok, so first of all, Microsoft wonders why so many people pirate software. Well aside from the fact that their products are over priced crap it also has something to do with the fact that it is HARDER to not pirate software.

So I am working on a friend's computer that has a TOTALLY LEGAL copy of Windows XP Home.... and of course, it won't let me do a new activation since I reinstalled Windows. I jumped through all of the hoops and eventually had to call the activiation hotline. Now, I barely put faith in Microsoft running my computer let alone running a voice activated telephone system. After fighting with verbally talking to a computer, I finally get the information put into the system and it confirms that the activation ID is invalid. Great, now I get to talk to a rep. He grills me as if I am a fellon and then eventually says he is generating a new ID for the computer.

Here is the best part . . .

While he is generating the ID it takes a while and he eventually says "I am sorry for the delay but I'm going to need to place you on hold because my system just crashed"

. . . I guess thats what you get for running windows!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Bleh! Rapid weather changes and I'm back to not getting enough sleep again.... I feel like crap! :(

Comedy Central clips back on YouTube

Wow... did someone feel a pinch? :)
Once upon a time there was this little known program and network called Napster. No one knew about it except a few people and it was a great thing. The entertainment industry was upset that the free advertising they were getting was an act of piracy and it didnt matter that their sales were climbing.... somehow.... somewhere...... really.... SOMEWHERE... they were losing money. So they sued this little company called Napster and the entertainment industry returned the favor and gave Napster free advertising.... next thing you know, this little thing had turned into a big movement.... one that is still going today.

A few years ago, a new technology steps in called BitTorrent.... This is a great way for open source projects to deliver their products through those that support them. What isn't entirely well known is that there are huge search engines for finding pirated software... The entertainment industry figured that the whole Napster thing went so well for them, they might try it again.....


Techdirt: Remember How Shutting Down The Pirate Bay Was A Huge Victory For The Entertainment Industry?

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Anyone who is a member of YouTube, please consider supporting this channel. If you don't have a YouTube account, please disregard this video since you probably have no clue what its about.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of Hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything, but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
So far away
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

"Far Away" lyrics / Nickelback

Im not sure what to think of anything anymore. Im so emotionally hurting.... I need comfort and I need rest and I cant seem to find either. They way I feel isnt really something I have felt before. Im not depressed but I am sad.... Things are changing again and I know that its a good thing -- whatever it is.... Im just so tired and worn out. Things keep changing and I just really want to have some stability but I guess God doesnt think its time for that. Im not anywhere that I expected to be at this point in my life. In many cases things are better..... but there are some things that I wish was different. I really thought that I would be married by this point in my life.... and here I am not even to keep a girlfriend when I find one. Maybe its true that I am worth a lot to God but sometimes I dont feel like I am.... and I really wish that someone thought that I was worth fighting for.... but so far when things got tough, I was left on my own.....

I especially dont know what up with tonight..... Ive just had these tears welling up behind my eyes. I feel like its going to burst at any moment and Im just going to bawl.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." --Matthew 11:28

I'm really having a problem understanding things going on in my life right now. Today this Scripture came to my mind but I could not remember where it was. As I layed down in my bed to go to bed, skipping my nightly Bible reading, I just kept hearing this over and over again.... there is just so much on me right now and I'm not seeing where the rest is coming. Thankfully, I finally realized that I needed to read so I picked up my Bible and read the story of Daniel in the lions den. God ministered to me that sometimes people are tricked into doing something that they wouldnt do if they knew the whole story. I'm still trying to figure out exactly how (or if) this applies.... but again, I kept thinking about the rest that God promised to the weary and burdened..... I turned to the back of the Bible to look at the topical index and looked under rest... my search didn't lead me to Matthew 11 but as in so many other cases, I ended up back at 1 Corinthians 13. To me, it is a supernatural phenomenon that I keep ending up at 1 Corinthians 13. No matter what I'm looking for, my search always ends up at that chapter -- or at least passes by. I have to be up in about 5 hours but it just kept running through my mind so I got up and searched biblegateway and found Matthew 11:28.... and now I'm blogging about, well, I dont even know.

I guess some of the things on my mind are just questioning why it seems like God isnt answering me and questioning what it is that He is trying to show me.... I feel like I'm backwards to my surroundings... which is most likely for a good reason... but I don't like self-centered people and yet, God puts me in NoVA which is the capital of self-centered people. God is definately trying to talk to me about love... but I don't understand what.... And if love is such a huge factor in my life, why is it that all of my relationships fall apart or are ripped away from me..... add to that why there are so many relationships that are so strong and yet an external force seperates it. Is God trying to show me what I'm doing wrong and I'm not listening? Is God trying to teach me something that I need to learn for the future? And why do these typical male sexual desires consume so much of me?

Aside from all of that, there are even more questions. Where am I supposed to be? When I was 15 I knew that God had a place for me in ministry.... Actually, it's where the base idea of RansomNet came about ( What is my next step? Is it possible that I was wrong about what I felt I was called to.... or is where I'm at as far as I'm supposed to go in ministry? I don't feel it is.... but what does that mean? Does that mean that I need to go into full time ministry? But my jobs in corporate america have brought alot of things to the table and the contacts I have as a result have provided things that New Life would not have been able to do otherwise.... so corporate america is a big part of my ministry -- but is it supposed to stay that way?

Nothing I am questioning now is the result of anything going bad... I'm not depressed but I am confused. I am functioning and I'm trying to be as strong as I can be.... I know that my God will sustain me.... but I still question Matthew 11:28.

If anyone has anything to say about this, PLEASE leave a comment! I'm really starting to think I'm the only person alive in the blogosphere. I started blogging so that I could vent and hopefully help other people understand me... and it seemed like it worked for years but I dont even know when my last comment was.... Either way, I'll keep blogging.... this is the history of my life as well as an outlet.... but it would be so much nicer if I had feedback.... Just more rambling... don't think I'm mad at anyone :)

Ok, I really need to head to bed... hopefully now that I've spent a little time with God I'll be able to sleep.

Monday, October 30, 2006

??? - October 30th, 2006

I got a text message from my mom tonight that they had to put our dog to sleep. I've been emotionally struggling all night and I got the SMS and I just about burst into tears. I kind of expected that this was coming really soon since my sister had just told me a little bit ago that Chelsey was really sick.... I honestly had just hoped that I could make it up there this weekend to see her before they had to put her down.

Ive just been sitting at Taco Bell and this family was eating and it really got me in my heart. Having a family conversation and even just in watching them you could tell they had a genuine love for each other. I know absolutely nothing about these people but the father sure seems to be the ideal father... really interested in his daughters life and soft spoken but you can tell he leads his family. You just dont see that in this area too often.... actually, you dont see it anywhere much anymore.

I am so blessed to have grown up in the family I did. Words can not express how much I love my parents.... ok, they annoy me at times - but who doesnt? My parents really honestly love me. We all grew up on the poorer side of things... my dad being in his accident and put on disability in 1985.... but what my parents had they gave to me and my sisters.... the most important thing they gave us is their love.

So many things my parents did for us.... I remember while my dad was in rehab and the hospital after his wreck, he built a wooden rocking horse for my sisters and I. This is one of those things that chokes me up at times. And the time my sister really wanted something that was a hot seller... I cant remember what it was but I remember hearing about how he waited in line for the store to open and he ran back and grabbed the last one.... we all laughed about the thought of my dad running (those who dont know, he only has half of a knee and has a leg that is shorter - results of his wreck), but the thing was what he did for my sister.... my dad most likely was in pain after that... but my sister is what mattered. My mom is no different.... the big thing that I remember about my mom is finding out how she went without a lot of Christmases just so that she could buy more for my sisters and I.... When I hear the song "Christmas Shoes" by Newsong, my mom is who I think of.... I cry because I am reminded of how great my mom is.

I dont understand how so many people are blessed with great families and they dont appreciate them.... then there are those that have a horrible family life that wish they had a family to appreciate.

Ok... you have to love emails like this. So the deal is that PNC Bank is randomly picking days that you get double points when you use your check card. Ideally, you want to spend the most money on those days because you get more points for free stuff. So yesterday I got an email saying that Saturday was a mystery day! I payed my rent and such on that day so I was pretty excited. But then, apparently when the accountants got in today (of course its a monday) they must have realized that a lot of people spent money on that day so they had to immediately send out the following email:

Dear Robert Mertz,


The email sent on Sunday, October 29, 2006, was not correct. It stated that November 28 was a Mystery Bonus Day. This is incorrect. NOVEMBER 28 WILL NOT BE A MYSTERY BONUS DAY.

There have been three randomly selected Mystery Bonus Days thus far:

October 19
October 23
October 25

The Mystery Bonus Days promotion runs through December 31. Use your enrolled PNC Bank Visa(R) Check Card every day for qualified purchases* to make sure you earned double bonus points. You can track and redeem your points at or by calling 1-800-960-8472.

So if it was an error it apparently was a big one because I can't see a company making themselves look like asses unless it was to save a substantial amount of money.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

(23:23:46) jodi: i kind of don't know what gopher is
(23:23:51) jodi: i've heard of it
(23:23:55) jodi: i know it's old school
(23:23:59) jodi: but i don't know what it is
(23:28:03) bobkmertz: the old web
(23:28:12) bobkmertz:
(23:29:08) jodi: hrm, okay
(23:29:21) jodi: thanks :)
(23:30:38) bobkmertz: np
(23:30:45) bobkmertz: I actually started using the internet with gopher
(23:31:30) bobkmertz: then I found a big book called "The Internet Yellow Pages" and the web was soooooo much more user friendly
(23:31:38) bobkmertz: and then came WebCrawler and the web was great
(23:31:48) bobkmertz: and AOL saw webcrawler and saw that it was good
(23:32:11) bobkmertz: so AOL bought webcrawler on the 7th day so that the world could rest by not being able to have something functional
(23:32:45) jodi: heh
(23:33:14) bobkmertz: then Digital Equipment saw that the web sucked again and teamed up for AltaVista
(23:33:39) bobkmertz: many other companies created search engines which were good
(23:33:50) bobkmertz: Compaq buys DEC and AltaVista begins to sucketh
(23:34:04) bobkmertz: Lycos realizes that search engines are great and work so they buy them all
(23:34:18) bobkmertz: And in the end times, it is said that there will come something great that will bring peace
(23:34:23) bobkmertz: Google has now come
(23:34:25) bobkmertz: and there is peace

So Im at Fuddruckers and I ordered the biggest burger they had..... the next thing I know someone takes a bun and wraps it around a cow. I assure you they led a cow into the oven.

The moral of the story is that a 1lb burger is a big ass burger! :)

Oh, and I ate it all!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

At what point did I become so confused and lost? Was it when things got complicated or was it just simply when I started being "normal"?

Complacency is a seemingly safe place to be but mentally it's the worst. You know there is more but everything around you tells you its not where you should go. We have rules all around us and we are expected to follow them and if we don't everyone calls us crazy.

What happened to the Bob Mertz that decided he was going to work at Disney World and moved to Florida only a few months later? Where is the guy that started the 7th grade Bible club at Greensburg Salem Middle School? Where is he?

Maybe the reason I dont have direction in my life isnt because Im not focusing..... maybe its because I'm trying to focus like everyone around me does and I am missing out on the amazing things that God has planned for me because I lost the wild and free spirit that He gave me..... Maybe I am facing fear of not being normal and I'm backing down... scared... confused because I lost sight of what is important.

Where did anyone ever get by following the crowd? Maybe they made it to "the top" but what is the point being at the top.... If your at the top, all you get to do is look out over the land and see those who pressed on..... They are moving down that broken road and you watch them going into the sunset while you are still in the same town. You havent gained anything except the ability to see what you didnt take.

There was an incredible quote in the movie "Flicka"..... "Everyone writes a story in their mind that eventually becomes their life. If you don't write it and follow it, someone else will". I guess the question is whether you want to follow your heart or if your going to follow the rules and regulations that other people impose on you..... regulations that were designed without YOUR heart in mind. Do we want to follow what God gives us or do we want to pay more attention to our friends, siblings, parents, and every other human tells us?

Sometimes it's the wild and free spirit that makes us fall in love with someone.... and sometimes its our own wild and free spirit that makes us fall in love with life.

Here comes that rainy day feeling again.....

Well, not really... actually, while I dont feel quite right, Im not depressed or even down. I am, however, confused about the way that I feel.

Im missing Kim again... but there are huge differences between now and the past. Typically I became really depressed and saw no hope after a girl and I broke up. In those times, my life was over and when I felt like that, I was pushed to believe that whoever I just broke up with was actually the one for me and that perpetuated the "missing" her feeling. Previously, I blocked the idea that there was someone else out there. Its no secret to those who have known me for a while that I really handled things badly with regards to "loosing the girl."

So here I am now, more mature.... hahaha hardly.

Seriously tho... I really am missing Kim but its not in that obsessive jealous missing that I had before. I miss Kim because I respect and admire her. She is truly an incredible person and I miss the anticipation of getting an email or phone call from her every night.... because I genuinely wanted to hear what she had to say.

The biggest difference in all of this is my life is moving forward. I have (finally) been able to seperate what I want from what I need..... I mean.... I "needed" Tiff and I "needed" Kendra. I dont need Kim in my life.... I just want her to be in my life.

Sure I have to question why I am feeling these ways.... maybe it really is the first time someone truly loved me and/or the first time I truly loved someone? The only thing that is for certain is that I have a lot more learning to do. Until then, I will put Kim in the best place I know: In God's Hands

And now for the latest in bonehead moves coming out of hollywood.....

Viacom/Comedy Central sticks head up their ass

Does this kill YouTube? Nope! If it kills anyone, it's gonna be Comedy Central. When hollywood gets the gift of free advertising they expect to be paid for that advertising?

Just about the only thing that *AA and hollywood are good at is shooting themselves in the foot.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Ok... so I guess we all know the story of the trojan horse and all that. Basically, the trojan horse was used to get into the city, thus penetrating the security at the gate......

..... so what exactly does this mean for Trojan condoms?

Monday, October 23, 2006

Yeah I trust in You
I remember times You led me
This time it's bigger now
And I'm afraid You'll let me down

But how can I be certain?
Will You prove Yourself again?

'Cause I'm about to let go
And live what I believe
I can't do a thing now
But trust that You'll catch me
When I let go
When I let go

What is this doubt in me
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along You've shown
Your plans are better than my own

And I know I won't make it
If I do this all alone

"Let Go" lyrics / Barlow Girl

Its official..... its flipping freezing!!!

I can understand God not wanting to bless me.... what I can't understand
is how He loves me. I'm such a mess -- screwing up all the time.

On Saturday when we were up in MD, we got to watch a hang glider launch. I recorded this on my iZone and Josh did some editing and mixing :)
This used to be my playground [used to be]
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need
Of a friend
Why did it have to end
And why do they always say

Don't look back
Keep your head held high
Don't ask them why
Because life is short
And before you know
You're feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don't hold on to the past
Well that's too much to ask

This used to be my playground [used to be]
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need
Of a friend
Why did it have to end
And why do they always say

No regrets
But I wish that you
Were here with me
Well then there's hope yet
I can see your face
In our secret place
You're not just a memory
Say goodbye to yesterday [the dream]
Those are words I'll never say [I'll never say]

This used to be my playground [used to be]
This used to be our pride and joy
This used to be the place we ran to
That no one in the world could dare destroy

This used to be our playground [used to be]
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
I wish you were standing here with me

"This Used to be My Playground" by Madonna

Sunday, October 22, 2006

So I went back up the mountain and God met me there.... It wasnt really what I expected tho because He really didnt tell me anything at all.... but I knew He was there, and thats what was important.

The longer people have known me, the more they start to think that I like change and that I can deal with change pretty easily... quite the opposite is true. I hate change... and it happens to me all the time. But, like my friend Steve said... change has always been good to him and I guess the same is true for me... I just really wish I could have something stable.... but, yes, I do have God... He is stable.... but thats it.... there is nothing else in my life that is stable.

I had a long talk with Steve tonight and I again have to thank God for him. When I talk to people, I'm never expecting answers.... and when someone tries to give an answer, I almost always wish they would just shut up.... I dont need answers from any human -- I just need encouragement... and trust. Steve didn't have any answers but he did tell me that he fully believed that I was asking the right questions... and those words meant more to me than anyone can even imagine. Just a little bit of confirmation that I'm not crazy.... no answers.... just confirmation. And yesterday when Josh and Elisa asked me to go up to maryland with them.... they'll never know how much of an impact that made on me... again, they didnt have answers... they just had friendship... thats something that a lot of people dont share with me often.

I'm getting more of a direction in my life, I suppose... I dont really know what that means but I guess that things are starting to look like I may have an idea of where I want to be and where God wants me to be... of course, God will probably change that another 5 or 6 times.... THIS YEAR.... but hey, its ok :) He is God... I'm clueless and thats the best way for me to be. I have a really bad habit of getting in the way.

There is one thing that is just really confusing me tho.... First, I will openly admit that I have a hard time with thinking girls are worth more than they really are in my life... But here is the thing.... coming down off the mountain, I knew God was with me.... the thing is, the only thing on my mind was how much I love Kim... and additionally, how much I screwed that whole thing up.... There was really an outpouring of God's Spirit and reassurance that He is a God of second chances... and I know that He is working on making me a better person in the areas that I have failed on... I have no clue what this means about me and Kim... Man, I'm more clueless than I have ever been.... but why was she on my mind.... I just don't get it... God has forgiven me and Kim but its time for both of us to take steps towards something... dont ask me what those steps are because I dont even know what the something is. Whatever God wants in that situation is what I'll do my best at letting happen... I have really awkward emotions with that entire thing.... I dont understand them at all... but, I guess thats a good thing, as usual... If I knew God wanted me and Kim together or I knew that He wants us far apart, I would just get in the way... so it's better that I dont know because it's better that I *DONT* work toward something in that paticular situation.... I just need to follow God's lead, step by step... and I really need to pray for her and her parents... mainly that her parents will forgive me. I guess it does feel good that Steve specifically said I am even asking the right questions in this situation as well... it really helps... sometimes I do really start thinking I'm crazy.... OK, YES... I am crazy... but you know what I mean :)

My life is never dull, I suppose.... And I guess that this will be an interesting few weeks... year... ok, I'm sure the rest of my life will continue to be interesting... deal with it! :P

In other news, today is the first day in YEARS that I am physically worn out... this is a good thing. I did ALOT of hiking today... well, alot of hiking for me. Boy was the view worth it... and actually, even talking to people that were up in the mountains as well... It was all just a phenomenal thing... I really feel good... as in, REALLY good.... I'm confused, yes... but you dont really have to know whats going on to know that things are ok.

Peace be with everyone! God Bless!

Man I need to change things.... and some of those things are not what I would have expected.

After church, I usually help tear down.... today God really pressed on my heart that I needed to go straight to Target, buy some things, and head up the mountain. I asked Mike and he somewhat pushed back... he said maybe if I could even give 10 mins.... I was really struggling... I went and asked Carl and he asked what was up and he said go for it.... I walked to my car with tears in my eyes.... I wanted to go back and help.... they need help and I felt like I was letting them down.

My desire isnt a problem.... the problem is that I struggle to say no... I give so much that to so many people something seems like something small but its more than I can sometimes take.... not that helping tear down is bad.... but arguing with God as to why I should help is... well, kinda backwards... but still wrong.

I stopped to grab some drinks and Im on my way up the mountain. In some ways I feel like Im driving to the hospital for surgery... Im kind of scared... I dont know what to expect.... but I just pray that I come back to VA a new person.

God and I can do this.... not me by myself.

Just a picture of me up at the one outlook point in Maryland from yesterday. I'm leaving for church shortly and I think after church I'm going to head back up there... still planning on it.... Hopefully I follow through.
FBI Pairs with Website Violating Law

You just gotta laugh, right?
So here is the deal... I've really seriously got to make some changes in my life... like really seriously. I keep saying how people here in NoVA simply do not live life but just go on as slaves to becomming a better person... Ok, I dont have the same goals as them (thankfully), however, I'm just as bad as them because I am not living life either... I'm a slave to the work that I do and this just can not keep going on.

I don't know what direction I need to take... I'm clueless... but then again, what else is new?

Today was an absolutely awesome day! Josh an Elisa invited me to go with them up to some state parks in MD... somewhere around Thurmont, MD. It was absolutely incredible. I did some very very minor "rock climbing" but it was just enough to remind me of how great the outdoors are -- how great the things that God has given us are. I realized that I seriously need to get more of that type of thing in my life. I realized that most of the things that I'm involved in just simply are consuming my life.

I also learned something else today... well, actually, it was more of a re-realization. No one out there really understands me... It seems that everyone has this image of me that I am a computer geek and thats about all that I can enjoy... The truth is that no one has ever taken the time to really find out the things that I enjoy other than that. Sure, I talk about computers alot but not everything I say is computer related.... The thing is, I love being outside more than anyone realizes... I love rock climbing, off roading, spelunking, hiking, etc, etc, etc.... I could spend hours and hours just bouncing around on a pile of rocks and enjoying the surroundings.... The thing is, no one ever would have thought that of me. No one ever thinks to ask....

The hard thing for me is to actually just get myself out and do things by myself. I'm really a social person... yea, no one realizes that either! No one realizes that I need to be around people and that I need to talk... people think that I'm a geek so it's best for everyone if you just leave me alone... or maybe they just dont want to listen to me? I dont know... but whatever it is, it's extremely hard for me to do stuff by myself. I've adapted to going to see movies alone... pretty much every week I go see a movie by myself... simply because of the lack of anything else to do and the lack of anyone to go see a movie with. But what good is that other than the ability to relax for an hour or two?

One of the greatest parts about today was that I ended up in a conversation with a few girls that were up on the outlook that we were at. Ok, yea, sure... they were cute... but that wasnt really it... Being able to have a conversation with a complete stranger is just one of the coolest things in the world...

I want to impact the world -- how am I doing that by being alone all the time. I really seriously wish that there was someone that would really want to constantly be involved in some of these things with me... not just the one-time things... but an ongoing thing... I guess thats why I crave having that special girl in my life... But I guess the reality of the situation is that I am alone in this... and I somehow have to just do it.... It sucks, but I have no other choice.

So if all goes according to plan, after church tomorrow, I am heading back up to Thurmont, MD and just going to do my own thing.... I hate to have to do it alone but I somehow have just got to force myself....

Somehow, someway.... I've got to change things.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Verse 1:

Time after time you’ve been left behind
like the sun when it’s starting to rain
Time after time you’ve been forgotten
like a picture that’s faded with age
Time after time you ran after me
when I was still running away


You never give up on me
No, You never give up on me
Though I’m weak you are strong
You told me I still belong
No, you never, never give up on me
...on me No,you never, never give up on me

Verse 2:

Time after time I’ve used your grace
as a way to do what I please
I’ve taken for granted prayers that you answered
never been all I could be
You are holding out your hands
and now I clearly see


You always erase all my mistakes
You lift me up when I am down
Through all the ages, Your love never changes
You welcome me just as I am

"Never Give Up on Me" lyrics / Josh Bates

What do you do when God puts together an entire movie that is showing in your area..... just for you? How do you respond to it? How do you deal with the fact that you ever doubted Him? Tell me how..... because it just happened and Im .... oh God.... I just dont know.