"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." --Matthew 11:28
I'm really having a problem understanding things going on in my life right now. Today this Scripture came to my mind but I could not remember where it was. As I layed down in my bed to go to bed, skipping my nightly Bible reading, I just kept hearing this over and over again.... there is just so much on me right now and I'm not seeing where the rest is coming. Thankfully, I finally realized that I needed to read so I picked up my Bible and read the story of Daniel in the lions den. God ministered to me that sometimes people are tricked into doing something that they wouldnt do if they knew the whole story. I'm still trying to figure out exactly how (or if) this applies.... but again, I kept thinking about the rest that God promised to the weary and burdened..... I turned to the back of the Bible to look at the topical index and looked under rest... my search didn't lead me to Matthew 11 but as in so many other cases, I ended up back at 1 Corinthians 13. To me, it is a supernatural phenomenon that I keep ending up at 1 Corinthians 13. No matter what I'm looking for, my search always ends up at that chapter -- or at least passes by. I have to be up in about 5 hours but it just kept running through my mind so I got up and searched biblegateway and found Matthew 11:28.... and now I'm blogging about, well, I dont even know.
I guess some of the things on my mind are just questioning why it seems like God isnt answering me and questioning what it is that He is trying to show me.... I feel like I'm backwards to my surroundings... which is most likely for a good reason... but I don't like self-centered people and yet, God puts me in NoVA which is the capital of self-centered people. God is definately trying to talk to me about love... but I don't understand what.... And if love is such a huge factor in my life, why is it that all of my relationships fall apart or are ripped away from me..... add to that why there are so many relationships that are so strong and yet an external force seperates it. Is God trying to show me what I'm doing wrong and I'm not listening? Is God trying to teach me something that I need to learn for the future? And why do these typical male sexual desires consume so much of me?
Aside from all of that, there are even more questions. Where am I supposed to be? When I was 15 I knew that God had a place for me in ministry.... Actually, it's where the base idea of RansomNet came about (http://www.ransomnet.org). What is my next step? Is it possible that I was wrong about what I felt I was called to.... or is where I'm at as far as I'm supposed to go in ministry? I don't feel it is.... but what does that mean? Does that mean that I need to go into full time ministry? But my jobs in corporate america have brought alot of things to the table and the contacts I have as a result have provided things that New Life would not have been able to do otherwise.... so corporate america is a big part of my ministry -- but is it supposed to stay that way?
Nothing I am questioning now is the result of anything going bad... I'm not depressed but I am confused. I am functioning and I'm trying to be as strong as I can be.... I know that my God will sustain me.... but I still question Matthew 11:28.
If anyone has anything to say about this, PLEASE leave a comment! I'm really starting to think I'm the only person alive in the blogosphere. I started blogging so that I could vent and hopefully help other people understand me... and it seemed like it worked for years but I dont even know when my last comment was.... Either way, I'll keep blogging.... this is the history of my life as well as an outlet.... but it would be so much nicer if I had feedback.... Just more rambling... don't think I'm mad at anyone :)
Ok, I really need to head to bed... hopefully now that I've spent a little time with God I'll be able to sleep.