Friday, October 20, 2006

So I'm at least a little more relaxed now....

There is so much on my mind and I just dont know how to make sense of any of it. They say that everyone is always searching for their place in life.... to me, it seems like alot of people find it. So many people that have their family and they have their job and things are stable.... then there's me.... I'm always searching for my place but the more time that goes on, I begin to think that the reality is that I just dont have a place. I mean... I think I find my place and then it changes. I start to wonder if my problem is that I'm looking for a permanent place but God doesnt have one for me.

Things are always changing with me. I meet a great girl and things are well for a while and then it all turns to crap. I find a job and I get comfortable... and then something else comes along. I know the whole thing about getting pushed out of your comfort zone to make you better and stuff... the thing is, I'm getting older. No, I'm not old.... but I'm getting older.... I want to be able to have a family... I want to be able to support a family... have time for a family.... all that fun stuff. I just can't keep doing what I've been doing.... I just dont know how to resolve this...

I'm always hearing from people that I'm an amazing person but in reality, I'm starting to think that I'm an amazing person to most of the people that say that only because I help them extensively and for free. I don't mind helping people... actually, I really enjoy it but sometimes I just dont seem to be respected. Like, you ask me for advice and then you argue that I'm wrong... so why ask? Or I guess the more common thing is that people look at some of the things that I accomplish and they form in their mind that I'm made of steel or something. The reality is that I am quite the opposite. More days than most I'm barely able to function... I just put that aside and keep pressing on anyway. No one out there knows what goes through my head every day I wake up and every night I go to bed. The question I ask is whether they dont know because they just dont know or if its because they really dont care.

There are quite a few reasons why I have a blog.... One great thing is that it is history to me... and I also hope that it ministers to someone somewhere... sometime. I guess one fundamental reason I have it is the exact reason why I started it in the first place... quite simply because I have no one to vent to. My blog serves alot of purposes but one thing it is quite frequently is a medium for me to think out loud because there just isnt anyone around to listen. And when I say listen to, I dont mean someone to chat with or even talk on the phone with... I mean that there is just no one around me that is really passionate about helping me with -- well, anything.

I so often try to figure out what my purpose is... if I even have one. I know one thing that is pretty much a fact... if it wasnt for New Life, I dont think I'd have much of a reason to live at all. I do question alot what would happen if I was killed in a car wreck or something. I know my family would be upset because thats what is normal... and thats not to take away from the fact that they truly do love me... but outside of New Life, no one would really miss me being around. Sure, many might be saddened that I was killed but it wouldnt be a life-altering thing. And in the crazy scenario that that did happen, I know that God would provide for New Life but I do know that they are really the only group of people that would have to struggle and really miss me..... That gives me a purpose... and it does give me alot of people around me.... but yet, at the same time, it still doesnt give me that closeness of that true strong friendship that I am continually searching for.

Sometimes I wonder, too, if this is all just my head... I mean, I am ADHD and have some depression at times... so is all of this something that I'm just making up in my head? Am I really screwing so much up around me and not realizing it? Is it really me that is pushing these girls away and really screwing relationships up? I just constantly question these things.... People seem to make it out that this is the case... maybe it is? Maybe I'm just extremely different than everyone else.... I'm starting to wonder if anything else is true... I mean, when you have people saying that they cant believe all the stuff that has happened to me.... I dunno... you kind of start thinking that it has to be you.... which is what I struggle with alot.... everytime something goes wrong I have to question what *I* did wrong.... so in that am I just searching for something I did wrong too hard... or am I really a complete screw up and not worth the skin that I am in? I just don't know anymore.

There has been so much on me recently... and, again, huge changes may be coming down the line for me.... I just pray that I make it through all of this yet again.

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