So I went back up the mountain and God met me there.... It wasnt really what I expected tho because He really didnt tell me anything at all.... but I knew He was there, and thats what was important.
The longer people have known me, the more they start to think that I like change and that I can deal with change pretty easily... quite the opposite is true. I hate change... and it happens to me all the time. But, like my friend Steve said... change has always been good to him and I guess the same is true for me... I just really wish I could have something stable.... but, yes, I do have God... He is stable.... but thats it.... there is nothing else in my life that is stable.
I had a long talk with Steve tonight and I again have to thank God for him. When I talk to people, I'm never expecting answers.... and when someone tries to give an answer, I almost always wish they would just shut up.... I dont need answers from any human -- I just need encouragement... and trust. Steve didn't have any answers but he did tell me that he fully believed that I was asking the right questions... and those words meant more to me than anyone can even imagine. Just a little bit of confirmation that I'm not crazy.... no answers.... just confirmation. And yesterday when Josh and Elisa asked me to go up to maryland with them.... they'll never know how much of an impact that made on me... again, they didnt have answers... they just had friendship... thats something that a lot of people dont share with me often.
I'm getting more of a direction in my life, I suppose... I dont really know what that means but I guess that things are starting to look like I may have an idea of where I want to be and where God wants me to be... of course, God will probably change that another 5 or 6 times.... THIS YEAR.... but hey, its ok :) He is God... I'm clueless and thats the best way for me to be. I have a really bad habit of getting in the way.
There is one thing that is just really confusing me tho.... First, I will openly admit that I have a hard time with thinking girls are worth more than they really are in my life... But here is the thing.... coming down off the mountain, I knew God was with me.... the thing is, the only thing on my mind was how much I love Kim... and additionally, how much I screwed that whole thing up.... There was really an outpouring of God's Spirit and reassurance that He is a God of second chances... and I know that He is working on making me a better person in the areas that I have failed on... I have no clue what this means about me and Kim... Man, I'm more clueless than I have ever been.... but why was she on my mind.... I just don't get it... God has forgiven me and Kim but its time for both of us to take steps towards something... dont ask me what those steps are because I dont even know what the something is. Whatever God wants in that situation is what I'll do my best at letting happen... I have really awkward emotions with that entire thing.... I dont understand them at all... but, I guess thats a good thing, as usual... If I knew God wanted me and Kim together or I knew that He wants us far apart, I would just get in the way... so it's better that I dont know because it's better that I *DONT* work toward something in that paticular situation.... I just need to follow God's lead, step by step... and I really need to pray for her and her parents... mainly that her parents will forgive me. I guess it does feel good that Steve specifically said I am even asking the right questions in this situation as well... it really helps... sometimes I do really start thinking I'm crazy.... OK, YES... I am crazy... but you know what I mean :)
My life is never dull, I suppose.... And I guess that this will be an interesting few weeks... year... ok, I'm sure the rest of my life will continue to be interesting... deal with it! :P
In other news, today is the first day in YEARS that I am physically worn out... this is a good thing. I did ALOT of hiking today... well, alot of hiking for me. Boy was the view worth it... and actually, even talking to people that were up in the mountains as well... It was all just a phenomenal thing... I really feel good... as in, REALLY good.... I'm confused, yes... but you dont really have to know whats going on to know that things are ok.
Peace be with everyone! God Bless!
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