Monday, July 03, 2006

Im in Maryland right now on my way home.... You know whats different
this time? My mom didnt tell me she loves me before I left like she
always has before.... and the thing was, it was intentional. It wasnt
that she forgot.

I keep trying to believe that I have people in my life that care about
me but it seems like the people that I make myself believe care about me
really dont... and then im left with one less person.... Right now, I
can count on one hand the people that I believe care about me..... and
none of those people are related to me nor do they live in the same
state as me.

Someday I'll be calloused enough that these things wont hurt me
anymore.... I'm already able to hide it from those around me but
eventually, it wont hurt anymore.... at least thats what I'm hoping
for. Every week I have a new reminder that I cant rely on anyone. I
cant rely on family or friends. I cant rely on those I date. I have
learned in the past that I cant rely on co-workers. I really start to
wonder if I'm alone in this feeling or not.... I mean, it seems that
everyone gets hurt and has lots of people they cant rely on.... but
everyone around me seems to at least have one person that they know they
can go to at any given time... I dont have that.... I thought I did
multiple times....

Really, there is only one miracle going on right now... and that is that
I am not suicidal... Which, really amazes me to be honest. I really
have nothing.... yet I seem to just keep hoping that something is
ahead.... I dont want to die right now and if you look at my past, this
really is a miracle that I want to live in this situation. I guess what
I do have is my church.... I know I am important to them so I guess the
difference is that this time I know I have at least a little bit of a

At any rate, I left PA and I could have been killed on the way down here
or I could be killed on the rest of the way home but it doesnt matter
much to anyone.... and now I know that it doesnt much matter to my
family either.

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