Im really having a hard time with this situation. One of the hardest things to do is to want to trust someone that you have no reason to trust..... it gets even harder when you start to trust and find out that you shouldnt have. I've had this strange tug at my heart recently about something.... and I dont know why. I asked about it and it seemed like my tugging was way off base..... but then right after I get that information I get contradictory information in the form of fact from someone that I had not talked to in months.... random IM and ironically less than 12 hours after I start trusting again.
Im tired of this, quite honestly. I just want these memories to disappear from my mind... not because they arent great memories but they are only a symbol of what never will be.... The memories are in my mind and torment me time and time again and I cant stand it. I just want people to be honest with me. I want people to tell me the truth instead of thinking they need to protect me from the truth.
I just cant deal with this crap anymore.... I want so badly to hate someone that I love because Im tired of this torture... I want so badly to think that this person is a horrible person when I know that somewhere there is a good part of them.... If I cant hate, then I want to believe that they can change.... but every time I think they are going to, I get smacked in the face and reminded that they can't/
I hate it.... I really really hate this!