Saturday, May 08, 2004

I am still in a state of shock. Tiff and I had worked so hard to work through so many problems. We were there. We were perfect.... everything was worked. And we did a lot of work to get there. I cant believe in one day's time she decided to throw it all away. All the we did. I wasted so much of my life on a girl who really never loved me. I dont care how much she tells me now that she does love me..... I cant believe it. It's just not possible to love someone as much as she did and then cause me to walk away without a single shred of effort to keep it alive. I just can not believe that she decided to throw all of this away. It looks like she built me up just so she could completely crush my heart again. I can not believe she just went through so much trouble just to break my heart. A couple people have already said that we will get back together. I dont know if this is possible. If it is, it will be a miracle. I dont know how I could ever trust some as cold hearted as that again. Some of the last words that Tiff ever said to me were "I do love you".... its like she had to say that just to dump a little extra salt in my wounds.

Years ago my heart was shattered. Then I started school and met this girl named Tiffany. She came into my life and started teaching me some things. She then started to put my heart back together. She worked very hard at that. She messed up a few times, lost a few pieces but then worked to find them and put them in the right place again. In December she accidently dropped what she had been working on and shattered my heart again. After that she realized that I really needed help and she worked extremely hard to put those pieces back together again. She had my heart complete. She worked on it very hard. She built me up for a time she had planned on my birthday. I thought that that was going to be one of the best days of my life. There was but one piece missing from my heart. She had found that piece. She held that piece in her hand but a couple days ago, she couldnt figure out where it went. Instead of working on finding it, for some reason she gave up and dropped my heart on the ground again and left it in most pieces than it had ever been in. Without any real explanation she made me take the broom, sweep up those pieces and leave. I did so. Now the only times that I feel good are the times that I rely on my mind and not on my heart. I am a person who always relys more on my heart than my mind..... it's one of the things that I have been proud of. But now, any time I rely on my heart, I am reminded of how many pieces that heart is in because I have relied on it entirely too much. I relied on that heart to stay with Tiffany because I started to really believe she could put my heart back together and make me a complete person. Unfortunately the parts of my mind that told me she was going to hurt me again, the exact parts that Tiffany made me ignore, were correct.

I dont know where I go from here. I close my eyes at night and I see her face. I have slept three times since we broke up and in each case I had a dream about her coming back to me. I saw IM window after IM window pop on me screen saying "I'm sorry.... I want you back" .... but is it ever going to be a reality? And if it will be, should it be? Where do I go and what do I do? I have worked so hard for something.... harder than I have ever worked for something in my life.... and it has dissappeared. I am pretending to be ok.... but I'm not. Everyone tells me I am strong enough to get through this. I've been through this before. Well, the truth is.... no, I havent. I have never been through this. I've been through similar but I have never seen someone pretend to love so well and then watch it all dissappear without any kind of warning at all. Will I get through this? Probably.... eventually. The truth is I am not well. Nor will I be for quite some time.

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