No matter how good things start to look... something happens that ruins it. Last night I was honestly ready to ask Tanya back out agian..... but Tanya has a guy thats interested.... and she seems interested too. I had the time of my life last night.... But what do I do? Where does Tiff fit in? She finally emailed me today and said she's been busy. Tiff fit so well into my life.... I really enjoyed being with her.... but there was always so much indecisiveness..... and like everyone tells me.... I cant have that in my life. I want to be friends with girls right now.... tiff and tanya included.... I'm just affraid that I am going to lose the chance by time I make up my mind. The perfect girl is out there for me. Some say they saw things in me when I was with Tiff that they have never seen before...... they would agree I need to keep talking to her and keep an open mind to a relationship.... people also tell me that I was never happier than with Tanya.... and that I should keep an open mind to that relationship...... then people tell me to forget them both.... my mind sometimes tells me to just jump off a bridge. Truth be told.... I was kinda looking forward to Kendra coming to stay with me for a while.... I could have really used that.... but she's not now. I dont know where im going.... dont know what im doing... I'm really messed up..... I need to know how others feel. I want Tiff in my life.... but I need to have the ability to talk to here often..... last night.... I didnt read... because I couldnt bring myself too.... I was missing Tiff too much.... its sad that she is the only thing that really kept me reading my Bible.... im sad.... and pathetic.... but lets say Tiff and I do get back together.... what promise do I have that she wont do the same thing to me again... especially since she isnt really putting effort into the friendship. I guess im passively suicidal again.... I hope that that never becomes real suicidal thoughts.... but I hate them. I want to be gone and done with this stuff.... I dont want to have to deal with it..... and I do wonder what would happen if I was gone... Would anyone miss me? If so, who? Would Tiff miss me.... almost definately not.... Tanya? maybe..... ok... Eli would..... family? Well if I died now it wouldnt matter because they have the damned olympics..... I just dont .... *sigh* ... I wish someone would just care for me like I need to be cared for.... someone who can actually listen to me and share things with me.