Tuesday, August 17, 2004

No matter how good things start to look... something happens that ruins it. Last night I was honestly ready to ask Tanya back out agian..... but Tanya has a guy thats interested.... and she seems interested too. I had the time of my life last night.... But what do I do? Where does Tiff fit in? She finally emailed me today and said she's been busy. Tiff fit so well into my life.... I really enjoyed being with her.... but there was always so much indecisiveness..... and like everyone tells me.... I cant have that in my life. I want to be friends with girls right now.... tiff and tanya included.... I'm just affraid that I am going to lose the chance by time I make up my mind. The perfect girl is out there for me. Some say they saw things in me when I was with Tiff that they have never seen before...... they would agree I need to keep talking to her and keep an open mind to a relationship.... people also tell me that I was never happier than with Tanya.... and that I should keep an open mind to that relationship...... then people tell me to forget them both.... my mind sometimes tells me to just jump off a bridge. Truth be told.... I was kinda looking forward to Kendra coming to stay with me for a while.... I could have really used that.... but she's not now. I dont know where im going.... dont know what im doing... I'm really messed up..... I need to know how others feel. I want Tiff in my life.... but I need to have the ability to talk to here often..... last night.... I didnt read... because I couldnt bring myself too.... I was missing Tiff too much.... its sad that she is the only thing that really kept me reading my Bible.... im sad.... and pathetic.... but lets say Tiff and I do get back together.... what promise do I have that she wont do the same thing to me again... especially since she isnt really putting effort into the friendship. I guess im passively suicidal again.... I hope that that never becomes real suicidal thoughts.... but I hate them. I want to be gone and done with this stuff.... I dont want to have to deal with it..... and I do wonder what would happen if I was gone... Would anyone miss me? If so, who? Would Tiff miss me.... almost definately not.... Tanya? maybe..... ok... Eli would..... family? Well if I died now it wouldnt matter because they have the damned olympics..... I just dont .... *sigh* ... I wish someone would just care for me like I need to be cared for.... someone who can actually listen to me and share things with me.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

bro, you know who I am, call me and let's get together ok?

Tanya said...

BOBBY I TOLD YOU LAST NIGHT THAT I HAVE A LOT OF THINKING TO DO. THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I AM INTERESTED IN STARTING SOMETHING WITH JAY. I AM INTERESTED IN HAVING GOOD FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE NOW NOT RELATIONSHIPS. I HAVE TO GET MY LIFE BACK IN ORDER AND YES I MISS YOU TOO. I MISS A LOT OF THINGS THAT WE HAD AND I ALWAYS WILL BUT I CAN'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW. HE IS INTERESTED IN ME AND THAT MEANS THAT WE HAVE TO BECOME GOOD FRIENDS FIRST. IT IS GOING TO TAKE A LONG TIME FOR ME TO SORT THIS OUT. PLEASE DON'T THINK THAT NO ONE IS HERE FOR YOU, IF YOU NEED TO TALK ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL. TRY NOT TO BE ANGRY WITH YOUR FAMILY, THE OLYMPICS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THEM AND I DON'T THINK THAT THEY MEAN TO IGNORE YOU. CALL ME IF YOU NEED TO TALK OR JUST NEEDS TO TALK ABOUT NOTHING. I AM STILL A VERY GOOD FRIEND AND I ALWAYS WILL BE TO YOU. IN OTHER WORDS I AM HERE WHEN YOU NEED ME.

Tanya said...

ANOTHER THING BOBBY IS THAT I AM KINDA GLAD YOU DIDN'T ASK ME OUT AGAIN LAST NIGHT NOT BECAUSE I DON'T CARE FOR YOU BUT BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU WRITE ABOUT TIFF. YOU NEED TO GET THINGS FIGURED OUT WITH HER, SO THAT YOU KNOW WHICH WAY TO GO. I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU GET HURT AGAIN AND IF YOU DO THEN I WILL HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING TO TIFF BUT UNTIL THAT DAY JUST REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU LAST NIGHT, TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME AND FIGURE ONLY 1 PROBLEM OUT AT A TIME. DON'T POUT MORE ON YOURSELF THAN YOU CAN HANDLE. I WILL BE HERE TO HELP WHEN YOU NEED ME.

~Warning I don't pRooF rEAd~ said...

Bob,

This is Lauren. I wanted you to know that I would miss you if you were gone. There is a reason that God put you in my path. I need you as a friend. and vice versa. please, i know what its like to be suicidal. ive delt with it too. and ive come to realize that maybe its not the people we think would miss us that will. maybe it was the people who needed to meet us that will. we are all meant for somthing, all serve a purpouse. and when God feels you have served that purpouse He will end it for you. You cant make that decision for yourself because it just might not be time....

Lauren
email me w/ questions.. im sure youll have some..