There are a lot of things I am sick of right now. One is my "friends" having all of the answers without even bothering to see the reality, I'm tired of being taken advantage of by everyone - especially people I work for, I'm sick of typing one handed, sick of everytime I try to take a break something bad happens and I'm not able to relax, sick of not having any money and not making enough to pay my bills - and still hearing about how well they treat their employees. I'm just fed up with everything. I'm in pain, I'm broke, I have no friends, and I have nothing to offer to anyone.
More than every, I am realizing how worthless I am. All the good things that have been said to me are just so people could appear to be my friends - most likely to get something from me. When it comes down to it, I have never been loved by a girl and I have never had a friend that cared (except one in MA and maybe a few select others). I am alone in this world.......
Bob, next time you are back in PA give me a call and if I'm not busy with work let's get together and get a bite to eat, totally on me. You are not worthless. There were times that I was way down in the dumps and you told me how it was and you have been there to encourage me. You as a person are not worthless to me or God. I would rather hang out with you than most of my friends and that's because you do care about others. I'm an extremely busy person, especially with work, so I don't get to read u'r blog as often as I used to and I'm sorry for that. Just because I don't post a reply doesn't mean I don't know what's going on. Seriously, give me a call next time u'r home and want to get out.
Thanks Bill! I guess maybe my flaw is that I give too much and keep nothing for me.... but yet, its what I chose and what I want. Occasionally tho, I get worn out and I feel really down. God always does take care of me and bring me back, but when I am down, you see posts like this. Remember when you see posts like this that it may not be what is deep in my heart but is what I am currently feeling. This blog is for me to vent and to keep record of how I feel, as well as update those that care about me. Its been often helpful for me at times to go back and reread a month of posts to track how I feel and certain patterns associated. If I didnt blog the days like this, that wouldnt be helpful.
I know you care... I know alot of people care.... but just like anyone, there are times I forget that.
My offer still stands. I think about you often because I know what it feels like to feel the way you do. Like you said, you give to much of yourself and don't keep enough for you and it wears you down. I'm happy & med free and it took me realizing that I don't care what others think or want or expect of me, I do things my way and do what I want to and I'm happy. I've never been this content in my life, I've finally left the anxiety and depression in the past and I hope that someday you will find that thing inside that makes you content. Cast your burdons and fears upon the Lord and he will free you. Giving it ALL up to him is the only way and when you give it ALL to him it means giving your wants and desires too. Let me know next time your in pa.
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