This is probably the hardest post I have ever made because I don't want to admit this is the case but it seems as I give myself more and more reality checks I have to start considering the possibility of moving back to PA. Quite simply, I can not afford to live here on what I make.

Things have been getting exceptionally tough on me but I have been trying to keep my mouth shut partially because I know people don't take me seriously anymore and partially because I just want all this pain to go away.... Or maybe I just don't want to seem like a baby? But the truth is that it is hard when about once a week or more you have to go outside while at work just because you can not hold the tears in any longer. Anyone know how tough it is when you sleep as much as possible on your days off just so you don't think about being hungry - or the days that you get to eat twice are blessings? The reality is that within all of this I am now starting to get shut off notices for my utilities. I simply don't have the income to support my needed expenses. No one can fathom the cost of living in this area unless you actually have.

On top of all of this, I am struggling emotionally. Many people have told me that some girl is going to be lucky to have me and then later they started saying that any employer would be lucky to have me. The reality that these were all lies is becomming more clear. I have had some really great girls that I have dated - of course, one in paticular. Into our relationship I guess they all started realizing that I am not that great of a person. Of course the relationship fell apart and the truth was shown that they simply can't love me for who I am. Its becoming more clear that I am going to have to change who I am if I want to remain with the girl of my dreams.... The thing is, I don't know what to change. And as for employment.... Well, if I was really worth all that I was told then I would be making enough to pay my bills, right?

There is a whole lot of talk and very little action. Saying I am a great employee and showing me that I am are two different things.... The same way that saying you love me and showing me you love me are different as well.

I hate sounding selfish by saying this but its really hard to make sacrifice upon sacrifice for people and yet never have anyone make a sacrifice for me. There have been a few people that have and I appriciate all of those.... But I just wish that I was worth something to more than just a handful of people. Words are not enough.