I really can not believe that it's been more than half a year since I've actually made a blog post. I don't know if I can really understand why other than I think my life has just been so confusing that I don't know exactly what to say. If you're someone that's close to me you know that there have been some serious changes in my life and, that in December, there was some serious heartbreak. Let's go back there..... not that I want to.
In the end of 2010 things, financially, were not easy for me. I was getting more and more behind on my mortgage and despite my efforts it reached the point where I became 3 months past due and CitiMortgage acted immediately. I've touched on some of this in a blog post in November but it was in December that Citi scheduled a foreclosure sale for the second time even while they knew that they weren't supposed to. It was also in December, after they scheduled this sale, that they randomly decided that my HUD counselor was no longer allowed to act on my behalf despite the fact that I provided them with that documentation and they had been speaking with her for the past few months. We called via a conference call and was told that they were going to cancel the sale but we never received any confirmation so the day after the sale was scheduled we called Citi again to verify that the sale was canceled and the agent told us that my account was in a "pending modification" status and that no sale had taken place -- it was 3 days later that someone knocked on my door with the paperwork that the house was now bank property. I won't lie.... I cried. I called my mom and cried and then I called my girlfriend and cried... oh yes, there's another event that happened in December. See, I met the perfect girl for me.... we were so perfect together and she absolutely had ALL of my trust... It hadn't been easy for me to trust girls because all of my life it seems like I've been cheated on... I don't really understand why I trusted her but I just knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she could be trusted... something that I *NEVER* thought I would be able to do again, at least not so easily. I guess within that trust I gave up a part of me that I had kept away from everyone in the past... I made a mistake and I went too far but I had never been so sure about anything in my life. She was so comforting when I called her after I knew I lost my house.... she invited me over to her friends' house and I had probably one of the best nights just hanging out and watching movies. It really seemed like neither one of us could get enough of the other -- it was incredible. Despite the fact that I was losing everything she was there for me and she made everything better and helped me deal with all of the crap going on around me -- but, sadly, it wouldn't last long.
It was a really ugly day.... snow fell like crazy and at the station we were running call after call for accidents on I66 and I was supposed to hear from her but didn't... I tried calling... no answer. I knew she hadn't slept at all the night before and she had to drive home from school that evening so I was in complete panic.... I called her friend and she was worried too and for the next few hours we all tried to figure out where she was because we thought for sure she wrecked. When we figured out where she was it became the moment that I truly did lose everything. She was at her ex-boyfriend's house... Yes, she cheated on me. I was more crushed than every in my life... I cried every day for at least the next 2 weeks... I broke down crying in front of people that I would have never dreamed I'd let myself cry in front of... I was a wreck. The people that were closest to me through the entire month will tell you that after I met her I was the happiest person alive and that they could not believe that I was the same person and that you would have never even been able to tell that I was losing my house and so many other things but then they will also tell you that just as happy as I was for that time I changed abruptly when I found out she cheated on me. I have to say that I was proud of myself in that I was still able to function. If you read back through the years of my blog you'll see that there were many times that I had something happen with a girl and it completely destroyed me to the point that I couldn't function. I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that this time hurt more than all of the previous times put together but, yet, I was still able to do my job. It told me two things: I have grown and matured and that I loved this girl more than anyone before.
Anyone that is a Christian knows that God does provide for those that seek Him. It was no different in this situation. We had just voted in a new chief at the fire department and one of the things he brought up to me when he knew what was going on was that he wanted to start a live-in program at the station. Years ago he had lived at a fire station for 2 years and he said it was an incredible experience and he wanted to let others have the chance as well as help improve our station's call responses. Shortly before the new year I moved in and just went to my house to take care of my birds once a day and slowly started moving everything to storage. In the first part of January I found a home for my birds and I took them to meet their new friends -- their new home had plenty of other birds for them to play with and talk to. It was probably the hardest thing that I ever actually had to do. I hear reports that they are really liking their new home and I hope to soon be able to visit them but I really do miss them. Looking back having to give my birds away was about the ONLY negative thing that came from the foreclosure. I owed $190k on a house that Fannie Mae put on the market for $60k and I was sinking fast. I now have the freedom to start paying off the IRS and other debts that I have as well as actually start saving money. I get to interact with people more regularly since I love at the fire station and there are a lot of people in and out of there and I'm also able to do more of something I love -- help others. I just recently got cleared to drive Engine 4 so now I don't have to sit and wait for a driver to take me to a call. Sure, it has some frustrations but overall it's an awesome experience and God has really blessed me.
Today I still live at the fire station and I still enjoy it. I can't say that I understand my life though. I've recently been hurting quite a bit and I'm not really sure why... I think that a good part of it is loneliness creeping back in. I know for a fact that the pain of the broken heart in December is a pain that I still have and it still hurts despite the fact that I am coping with it and have moved on. I think I've recently just been feeling like I'm a thorn to a lot of people -- like a nuisance. I don't know why I feel that way but I have some ideas... Maybe it's because I complain a lot... maybe I'm just strange compared to most people... there are things that I see that might be but they are things that no matter how much I try to think about them and correct them I just can't seem to change... The reason, I think, is more because there is just something missing in my life. I know that I'm not where I'm supposed to me in my walk with God and I know that's a big part of it... They say that knowing is half the battle but sometimes it just seems so hard to actually put things into action.... you know how to fix it... you know how to get better... but you just can't seem to put it into motion.
I guess I really don't have much more to say than that. I wish that I had something to say that would provoke thought and help others but right now I don't. I hope that soon I fix me and can really start helping others and really get back to my old ways of thinking about stuff -- maybe then my blog will become active again
Showing posts with label foreclosure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label foreclosure. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Oh, My Life
Sometimes I really struggle with life but its not the struggle I question but the reason for the struggle that bugs me. I have a lot of things happen to me that people have to look at me and say "quit being so irresponsible and you won't have these problems".... and while there are some people that certainly respond to me that way the thing is that I also have to question where I'm being irresponsible and then when I find few places that I could change I start to think that I'm just simply blind and lost which ends up frustrating me even more.
I know there is a concept that I've mentioned in my blog before that I still struggle with simply because, in some ways, it actually sounds like I'm indicating God is wanting me to be irresponsible. I don't believe this at all but what I struggle with is if God is just letting me get into scenarios where the end result always looks like I'm being irresponsible. What's the reason? Well, its the climb I guess. In 1999 it was really hard to find anyone that thought moving to Florida to work at Disney World without even having a place to live was a responsible move..... and quite honestly when I look back I wonder if it was but then I realize the reality of what 2000 looked like for me when many people who I knew before and after where constantly commenting on how much more mature I was after coming back. There were so many other things that happened as well like the college education for only 1 year, and the decissions I made with certain jobs that just didn't seem logical..... my life is full of them and I can't really blame anyone for looking at me as being irresponsible because sometimes I have to ask myself that question. What I've learned, however, is that illogical and irresponsible don't always go hand in hand especially when you're trying your best to answer to a supernatural God who has an understanding far above our own.
It was somewhere between 2 to 3 years ago that my life started to feel stable for the first time. I had bought a house (a house that, at the time, I could easily afford), I had ended up running my own business that was really doing quite well.... things were just awesome. I thought that maybe God was done letting these horrible things happen in my life. In May I turned 30 and there was starting to be a bit of a financial pinch at that point but ultimately I felt like I had become one of these so-called adults and was only dealing with normal adult stuff. In reality, it was the peak and the little struggle was just the start of that downhill descent that is possibly one of the largest that I've had to deal with in a very long time, if at all.
Ultimately, this economy has kicked my ass. In 2009 my income had dropped drastically to the point where I made just a little over half of what I made in 2008 and while I had some good months in 2010 I also had some really bad ones as well..... things that I just couldn't get around. I fell behind on bills and on my mortgage but had been paying regularly. The short story is that CitiMortgage has started the foreclosure process and tomorrow at 10am my house is to be sold. I find myself looking back and trying to figure out what I did wrong or what I could have done differently but ultimately I don't see anything. For the last couple of weeks I have been working with HOME of Virginia which is a HUD counseling agency and at many times you could just tell the shock in my counselors voice at what CitiMortgage has been doing. The reality is that the date CitiMortgage started foreclosure on me was only a couple days after I was 3 months late which, for most places, is unheard of. I know many people who are many months behind on their mortgage and, while they get letters, no legal action has been taken yet, for me, I end up getting the worst of all.
I know I'm not alone. What is beyond me is CitiMortgage. Here's the story of what happened. I sent a payment of $1400 to CitiMortgage at the end of September and, according to my bank, it was processed by Citi on 09/28/2010. Shortly after I scheduled that payment I received notice of foreclosure from an attorney acting on CitiMortgage's behalf. About a week after that I received a letter that was dated the part of September that explained CitiMortgage wanted to work with me regarding my account but, of course, this made it to me nearly a month later after the foreclosure was processed so that was null and void. Prior to this I had monthly filled out their online assistance form because they said I was eligible for assistance but then the system said that I was not eligible for assistance. I immediately filled out the information to work with HOME of Virginia in trying to save my house and was assigned a counselor on 10/26/10 and by this time I had already received a letter from CitiMortgage dated on 10/15/10 that indicated they were selling my mortgage account to IBM Lender Business Processor Service effective on 11/01/10 which was interesting because the day before I received that letter was when I received the notice that my house was being sold at foreclosure on November 3rd at 10am. Obviously I was confused but had no idea who to talk to because, well, who owned my loan? I received an email from CitiMortgage's attorney asking for information so they could work out a modification and I replied asking them what the status was and let them know that I was working with a HUD counselor but never received a response. So at this point it looked like I was going to be starting over on November 1st but, then, on the 27th I received another letter from CitiMortgage basically saying they changed their mind and that they were NOT transfering my loan to IBM. In talking to the HUD counselor I've found out that Citi is required to process me through the HAMP program and that, by law, they have to send me a letter indicating that I was denied that program before they can foreclose. I contacted Citi's attorney and they said they had not received any copies of those denial letters and that they would check into it for me but that they can not postpone unless Citi tells them too. I then contact CitiMortgage and they began to argue with me and contradicted everything that I had just been told by my HUD counselor. My HUD counselor attempted to contact them the following day but they said that they had no record that she was allowed to act on my behalf. She informed me that she had proof that the fax had been processed but that she was resubmitting it. Everything that Citi has been doing seems to be shady ways of getting around the system and even if they are violating laws they are playing stupid because they know the sale date is so close. So here I am, having no idea what to expect tomorrow..... and oh, yea.... the $1400 that I sent to Citi? They said they received it but that they aren't crediting it to my account and when I asked for them to send it back they said "No, we're keeping it"......
I, again, can't answer the question "Why me?" I'm not losing my house for lack of trying... I'm not losing my house because I bought something I couldn't afford (I had no problems paying the mortgage until the economy hit me this year).... I just had a horrible string of bad luck and, yes, I know, I know.... I seem to have a lot of that.... and believe me, I ask myself all the time what I'm doing wrong and why in the end I'm always turning out to be irresponsible and, with the exception of a few people who know me intimately, I can totally understand why many people think that of me. People always question why bad things happen to good people but finding an answer to that is extremely hard. There is only one thing that I can hold on to right now and that is that the previous times when things like this happened to me I ended up a happier person on the other side of it. All of the pain I endured and will endure I know is not for nothing.... there is a plan for this and I believe in the post I made last week (I actually began working on this post first and it was in the middle of this post that God really impressed the roller coaster concept on me). I don't know what's ahead.... and I'm scared to death... but I can hold on to the fact that the track of this ride has been laid out by God and He's taken everything into account and knows what He is doing. I may be getting sick of this ride and want off but thats the thing about roller coasters... you can't just get off of them in the middle of the ride like you might be able to on other types of rides.
"Why?" is such a popular question and a valid question but we don't always get the answer we want, if we get an answer at all. Why am I going through all of this? Most people want to say that I'm irresponsible or I've done something to really screw up and sometimes I have to fight myself to not believe that because I know that I've done everything that I could.... the only way I can answer that is quite simply that God is letting me go through something in order to make me a stronger person and maybe in the future I'll be able to help someone through a similar situation. Am I going to lose my house? It looks like it. What am I going to do? I'm sure crying will be one of the big things but ultimately I just have to focus on the fact that God is watching over me whether it feels like it or not.
I know there is a concept that I've mentioned in my blog before that I still struggle with simply because, in some ways, it actually sounds like I'm indicating God is wanting me to be irresponsible. I don't believe this at all but what I struggle with is if God is just letting me get into scenarios where the end result always looks like I'm being irresponsible. What's the reason? Well, its the climb I guess. In 1999 it was really hard to find anyone that thought moving to Florida to work at Disney World without even having a place to live was a responsible move..... and quite honestly when I look back I wonder if it was but then I realize the reality of what 2000 looked like for me when many people who I knew before and after where constantly commenting on how much more mature I was after coming back. There were so many other things that happened as well like the college education for only 1 year, and the decissions I made with certain jobs that just didn't seem logical..... my life is full of them and I can't really blame anyone for looking at me as being irresponsible because sometimes I have to ask myself that question. What I've learned, however, is that illogical and irresponsible don't always go hand in hand especially when you're trying your best to answer to a supernatural God who has an understanding far above our own.
It was somewhere between 2 to 3 years ago that my life started to feel stable for the first time. I had bought a house (a house that, at the time, I could easily afford), I had ended up running my own business that was really doing quite well.... things were just awesome. I thought that maybe God was done letting these horrible things happen in my life. In May I turned 30 and there was starting to be a bit of a financial pinch at that point but ultimately I felt like I had become one of these so-called adults and was only dealing with normal adult stuff. In reality, it was the peak and the little struggle was just the start of that downhill descent that is possibly one of the largest that I've had to deal with in a very long time, if at all.
Ultimately, this economy has kicked my ass. In 2009 my income had dropped drastically to the point where I made just a little over half of what I made in 2008 and while I had some good months in 2010 I also had some really bad ones as well..... things that I just couldn't get around. I fell behind on bills and on my mortgage but had been paying regularly. The short story is that CitiMortgage has started the foreclosure process and tomorrow at 10am my house is to be sold. I find myself looking back and trying to figure out what I did wrong or what I could have done differently but ultimately I don't see anything. For the last couple of weeks I have been working with HOME of Virginia which is a HUD counseling agency and at many times you could just tell the shock in my counselors voice at what CitiMortgage has been doing. The reality is that the date CitiMortgage started foreclosure on me was only a couple days after I was 3 months late which, for most places, is unheard of. I know many people who are many months behind on their mortgage and, while they get letters, no legal action has been taken yet, for me, I end up getting the worst of all.
I know I'm not alone. What is beyond me is CitiMortgage. Here's the story of what happened. I sent a payment of $1400 to CitiMortgage at the end of September and, according to my bank, it was processed by Citi on 09/28/2010. Shortly after I scheduled that payment I received notice of foreclosure from an attorney acting on CitiMortgage's behalf. About a week after that I received a letter that was dated the part of September that explained CitiMortgage wanted to work with me regarding my account but, of course, this made it to me nearly a month later after the foreclosure was processed so that was null and void. Prior to this I had monthly filled out their online assistance form because they said I was eligible for assistance but then the system said that I was not eligible for assistance. I immediately filled out the information to work with HOME of Virginia in trying to save my house and was assigned a counselor on 10/26/10 and by this time I had already received a letter from CitiMortgage dated on 10/15/10 that indicated they were selling my mortgage account to IBM Lender Business Processor Service effective on 11/01/10 which was interesting because the day before I received that letter was when I received the notice that my house was being sold at foreclosure on November 3rd at 10am. Obviously I was confused but had no idea who to talk to because, well, who owned my loan? I received an email from CitiMortgage's attorney asking for information so they could work out a modification and I replied asking them what the status was and let them know that I was working with a HUD counselor but never received a response. So at this point it looked like I was going to be starting over on November 1st but, then, on the 27th I received another letter from CitiMortgage basically saying they changed their mind and that they were NOT transfering my loan to IBM. In talking to the HUD counselor I've found out that Citi is required to process me through the HAMP program and that, by law, they have to send me a letter indicating that I was denied that program before they can foreclose. I contacted Citi's attorney and they said they had not received any copies of those denial letters and that they would check into it for me but that they can not postpone unless Citi tells them too. I then contact CitiMortgage and they began to argue with me and contradicted everything that I had just been told by my HUD counselor. My HUD counselor attempted to contact them the following day but they said that they had no record that she was allowed to act on my behalf. She informed me that she had proof that the fax had been processed but that she was resubmitting it. Everything that Citi has been doing seems to be shady ways of getting around the system and even if they are violating laws they are playing stupid because they know the sale date is so close. So here I am, having no idea what to expect tomorrow..... and oh, yea.... the $1400 that I sent to Citi? They said they received it but that they aren't crediting it to my account and when I asked for them to send it back they said "No, we're keeping it"......
I, again, can't answer the question "Why me?" I'm not losing my house for lack of trying... I'm not losing my house because I bought something I couldn't afford (I had no problems paying the mortgage until the economy hit me this year).... I just had a horrible string of bad luck and, yes, I know, I know.... I seem to have a lot of that.... and believe me, I ask myself all the time what I'm doing wrong and why in the end I'm always turning out to be irresponsible and, with the exception of a few people who know me intimately, I can totally understand why many people think that of me. People always question why bad things happen to good people but finding an answer to that is extremely hard. There is only one thing that I can hold on to right now and that is that the previous times when things like this happened to me I ended up a happier person on the other side of it. All of the pain I endured and will endure I know is not for nothing.... there is a plan for this and I believe in the post I made last week (I actually began working on this post first and it was in the middle of this post that God really impressed the roller coaster concept on me). I don't know what's ahead.... and I'm scared to death... but I can hold on to the fact that the track of this ride has been laid out by God and He's taken everything into account and knows what He is doing. I may be getting sick of this ride and want off but thats the thing about roller coasters... you can't just get off of them in the middle of the ride like you might be able to on other types of rides.
"Why?" is such a popular question and a valid question but we don't always get the answer we want, if we get an answer at all. Why am I going through all of this? Most people want to say that I'm irresponsible or I've done something to really screw up and sometimes I have to fight myself to not believe that because I know that I've done everything that I could.... the only way I can answer that is quite simply that God is letting me go through something in order to make me a stronger person and maybe in the future I'll be able to help someone through a similar situation. Am I going to lose my house? It looks like it. What am I going to do? I'm sure crying will be one of the big things but ultimately I just have to focus on the fact that God is watching over me whether it feels like it or not.
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