It's really been that long?

I really can not believe that it's been more than half a year since I've actually made a blog post. I don't know if I can really understand why other than I think my life has just been so confusing that I don't know exactly what to say. If you're someone that's close to me you know that there have been some serious changes in my life and, that in December, there was some serious heartbreak. Let's go back there..... not that I want to.

In the end of 2010 things, financially, were not easy for me. I was getting more and more behind on my mortgage and despite my efforts it reached the point where I became 3 months past due and CitiMortgage acted immediately. I've touched on some of this in a blog post in November but it was in December that Citi scheduled a foreclosure sale for the second time even while they knew that they weren't supposed to. It was also in December, after they scheduled this sale, that they randomly decided that my HUD counselor was no longer allowed to act on my behalf despite the fact that I provided them with that documentation and they had been speaking with her for the past few months. We called via a conference call and was told that they were going to cancel the sale but we never received any confirmation so the day after the sale was scheduled we called Citi again to verify that the sale was canceled and the agent told us that my account was in a "pending modification" status and that no sale had taken place -- it was 3 days later that someone knocked on my door with the paperwork that the house was now bank property. I won't lie.... I cried. I called my mom and cried and then I called my girlfriend and cried... oh yes, there's another event that happened in December. See, I met the perfect girl for me.... we were so perfect together and she absolutely had ALL of my trust... It hadn't been easy for me to trust girls because all of my life it seems like I've been cheated on... I don't really understand why I trusted her but I just knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she could be trusted... something that I *NEVER* thought I would be able to do again, at least not so easily. I guess within that trust I gave up a part of me that I had kept away from everyone in the past... I made a mistake and I went too far but I had never been so sure about anything in my life. She was so comforting when I called her after I knew I lost my house.... she invited me over to her friends' house and I had probably one of the best nights just hanging out and watching movies. It really seemed like neither one of us could get enough of the other -- it was incredible. Despite the fact that I was losing everything she was there for me and she made everything better and helped me deal with all of the crap going on around me -- but, sadly, it wouldn't last long.

It was a really ugly day.... snow fell like crazy and at the station we were running call after call for accidents on I66 and I was supposed to hear from her but didn't... I tried calling... no answer. I knew she hadn't slept at all the night before and she had to drive home from school that evening so I was in complete panic.... I called her friend and she was worried too and for the next few hours we all tried to figure out where she was because we thought for sure she wrecked. When we figured out where she was it became the moment that I truly did lose everything. She was at her ex-boyfriend's house... Yes, she cheated on me. I was more crushed than every in my life... I cried every day for at least the next 2 weeks... I broke down crying in front of people that I would have never dreamed I'd let myself cry in front of... I was a wreck. The people that were closest to me through the entire month will tell you that after I met her I was the happiest person alive and that they could not believe that I was the same person and that you would have never even been able to tell that I was losing my house and so many other things but then they will also tell you that just as happy as I was for that time I changed abruptly when I found out she cheated on me. I have to say that I was proud of myself in that I was still able to function. If you read back through the years of my blog you'll see that there were many times that I had something happen with a girl and it completely destroyed me to the point that I couldn't function. I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that this time hurt more than all of the previous times put together but, yet, I was still able to do my job. It told me two things: I have grown and matured and that I loved this girl more than anyone before.

Anyone that is a Christian knows that God does provide for those that seek Him. It was no different in this situation. We had just voted in a new chief at the fire department and one of the things he brought up to me when he knew what was going on was that he wanted to start a live-in program at the station. Years ago he had lived at a fire station for 2 years and he said it was an incredible experience and he wanted to let others have the chance as well as help improve our station's call responses. Shortly before the new year I moved in and just went to my house to take care of my birds once a day and slowly started moving everything to storage. In the first part of January I found a home for my birds and I took them to meet their new friends -- their new home had plenty of other birds for them to play with and talk to. It was probably the hardest thing that I ever actually had to do. I hear reports that they are really liking their new home and I hope to soon be able to visit them but I really do miss them. Looking back having to give my birds away was about the ONLY negative thing that came from the foreclosure. I owed $190k on a house that Fannie Mae put on the market for $60k and I was sinking fast. I now have the freedom to start paying off the IRS and other debts that I have as well as actually start saving money. I get to interact with people more regularly since I love at the fire station and there are a lot of people in and out of there and I'm also able to do more of something I love -- help others. I just recently got cleared to drive Engine 4 so now I don't have to sit and wait for a driver to take me to a call. Sure, it has some frustrations but overall it's an awesome experience and God has really blessed me.

Today I still live at the fire station and I still enjoy it. I can't say that I understand my life though. I've recently been hurting quite a bit and I'm not really sure why... I think that a good part of it is loneliness creeping back in. I know for a fact that the pain of the broken heart in December is a pain that I still have and it still hurts despite the fact that I am coping with it and have moved on. I think I've recently just been feeling like I'm a thorn to a lot of people -- like a nuisance. I don't know why I feel that way but I have some ideas... Maybe it's because I complain a lot... maybe I'm just strange compared to most people... there are things that I see that might be but they are things that no matter how much I try to think about them and correct them I just can't seem to change... The reason, I think, is more because there is just something missing in my life. I know that I'm not where I'm supposed to me in my walk with God and I know that's a big part of it... They say that knowing is half the battle but sometimes it just seems so hard to actually put things into action.... you know how to fix it... you know how to get better... but you just can't seem to put it into motion.

I guess I really don't have much more to say than that. I wish that I had something to say that would provoke thought and help others but right now I don't. I hope that soon I fix me and can really start helping others and really get back to my old ways of thinking about stuff -- maybe then my blog will become active again