Sunday, October 14, 2012

Do you see it?

"You see things, you understand. You're a wallflower"

I just got back from seeing The Perks of Being a Wallflower and I still don't understand why such an amazing movie is being shown in such a limited number of theaters. For the first time in a LONG time I'm not numb.... I feel emotions.... it hurts and it's causing the shedding of a lot of tears but it's so much better than being numb.

I don't really know how to explain what I've been feeling the last few weeks... I've been in a dark emotional state where I go between numbness to feeling, well... I just don't know. I guess in a lot of ways this movie maybe helped me realize a few things about me. Picture a high school student sitting in a mental hospital and being asked what is wrong and the response is him asking the doctor if she can see it.... see all the pain.... not the pain in himself but the pain in everyone else. People have such a hard time figuring me out and the go between absolutely thinking I'm the greatest person around to trying to avoid me and I never really understood why but maybe that's the reason. Yes, I am a wallflower.... I sit at the sidelines and I watch what is going on and all I see is all of this pain that people experience... pain that hurts me just as much as it hurts the person that is experiencing it. Words can't explain how you can care so much about someone and how frustrating it is that you can't help and if you really let any of that out then you'd be labeled as, well... something. To go through life seeing so much hope in relationships only to somehow screw it up -- and screw it up by doing something that you have absolutely no idea about.... You had to have done something for that special person or that friend to want to avoid you but what was it?

"Why do I and everyone I love always pick people who treat us like we're nothing"
"We accept the love we think we deserve"

In a way I guess I really didn't want this movie to have a happy ending. I kind of felt cheated. This movie really showed the best glimpse into the way I feel that has ever been in existence but it ends happy and the assumption would be that someone who is 32 years old has already got to that happy part of their life. Can you imagine being 32 years old, having so many people tell you how great you are and how much you mean to them, and yet still never having any girl tell you they love you unprovoked? Can you even begin to imagine what that feels like? I don't have to imagine it because I feel it every day of my life. It's such a horrible feeling added to that just because so many people have told you how great of a person you actually are -- it would almost be easier to have been told you're a horrible person because then at least it would make sense on how no one could love you.

I really wouldn't want to be anyone else and if you were to ask me what the perks of being a wallflower actually are then I would have to tell you that knowing that I have the ability to care for people regardless of whether they care for me or not is a good feeling because I know that at least I am not one of the people contributing to this feeling that I live with in other's lives. I hope that sometime I will look back and finally say that someone finally did tell me they love me (and mean it) and all of a sudden all of this will make sense but for now I'll live my life the best that I can... I'll shed the tears that inevitably will be shed, sometimes daily... and I will try my best to let other people know what they mean to me and how important they are in mine, as well as others', lives.

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