I honestly can't understand what has been going on recently. I have so many thoughts going through my head and so many things that I want to get on here but I sit down to write something and I'll get started but after typing a while I have to stop. It's not because my thoughts are not good because I really believe that they are but the problem is that once I get started and write a few paragraphs (or sometimes more), I feel like it's totally incomplete so I erase what I wrote and leave the computer.
Quite frankly, a lot of very strange things have been happening with me recently. I can't say any of them are bad but there is definately something different about me. I really do feel like God is about to push me in some new directions and, while this can sometimes make me nervous, I think it often makes those around me more nervous :) It seems when I hit situations like this it requires a huge leap of faith and is almost always something that defies logic. I often face people that lecture me and tell me how off-course I am.... I face people that run in fear because they want to defend me to the latter but they just aren't able to justify it themselves.... I have people that run away just because they don't want to deal with anything.... What I think the scariest part about this is is the fact that no one is ever really there to support me. Sure, God's in it.... but as far as anyone around me, it's all about second-guessing my actions, my beliefs, my intelligence....
What is really starting to get me is that over these years I've grown used to doing this stuff on my own (don't lecture me - I know God is in it - I'm reffering to physical surroundings) and it seems like I'm just training myself to be alone. I'm not fond of it.... I'm not fond of living in this awesome house by myself. I love where I live and I love helping people and being around people but the situations that I have been led in to and the (no doubt God-given) decissions that I have made have really pushed me away from... well, that's just it - I don't know. The only thing I'm really sure about is that being alone is something that is becomming a part of my life and I don't like it one bit.
I don't know where my life is about to go.... I never really do. I just really hope that maybe this is the change that God does that involves me actually finding someone who cares for me and wants to be around me and help me as much as I help her. There are plenty of people in my life for that I care for whole-heartedly but maybe sometime soon I will find the one that not only will do the same for me but actually DESIRES to do it.