Sunday, January 21, 2007

I so often feel out of place but yet, I know that there is a purpose for all of it. I mean, no matter where I am there is something that makes me feel like I am way out of place.

First of all, I swear I was born in the wrong year. I act like a completely different age than what I am and I act like someone who has the attitude and values of the early 1900's ... but then again, I tend to be someone who is all about new things... innovations.... and they just don't seem to mix.

Then, of course, I am a Christian.... but yet, I don't fit the stereotype of what people think a "Christian" is so as a result, people don't understand me. I'm honestly glad that I am not like most Christians but yet when I say I am a Christian, all of a sudden I'm tagged as someone who is holier than thou and will never do things such as drink alcohol, or go to a club, or whatever else may be happening. So, of course, no one invites me anywhere.... I don't fit in with the Christians tho because I have different attitudes.... so I'm left with this little group of people that often seems to only consist of me.

And now I live in Northern VA which is an area of a huge amount of greed.... every man for himself and money is the sign of success.... yet, I grew up as a country boy where we are all about helping each other.... so I try to help where I can and I get tagged as a "freak" because it's just not normal to help people or to think about someone other than yourself..... and of course, if it's a girl, I automatically have other motives.....

I am a geek at heart.... I like computers so that means that I automatically hate people, right? No one takes the time to realize that I am a human being who really enjoys being around people.... actually, I NEED to be around people.... but geeks are odd and no one wants to stick around them unless they have a computer problem....

I just fit into all the wrong stereo types.... ones the describe exactly who I am NOT.... and at the end of the day, I'm left as a lonely person because no one understands me.... but the biggest problem of all isn't that no one understands me but that they just don't care to look at my heart and find out who I really am.

It's really tough but I do know that there is a reason that God has put me when and where I am.... there is a purpose whether I feel it or not. I don't understand why so many horrible things happen to me.... and I really don't understand why I can't just be blessed with a friend who is someone that will always be there for me no matter what.... While it's not neccesary, I still so often feel like Moses before he had Aaron.... And when it comes to relationships, I can't understand why God has chosen for me to be alone for now.... but He is God and I am not.... so all I can do is trust Him and pray that he would someday bring some really strong friendships into my life and eventually bring that one special girl into my life who thinks that I am worth more and worth standing by me no matter what happens.

I deal with the pain of a broken heart so many days of my life.... and sometimes it seems my heart just ends up in even smaller pieces... every now and then someone comes into my heart that seems to care about who I am... they start helping me pick up some of the pieces but then they realize that the job is more than they had expected and they leave, dropping the pieces they picked up and breaking them into even smaller ones.

So now here is my disclaimer... this post isn't because I'm depressed or anything.... I'm doing ok.... sure, I have some struggles but I'm hanging in there.... I'm just trying to get some thoughts down.... and if I put it here and someone happens to understand what I'm talking about, well, maybe it can be a source of comfort to them.... thats actually the prayer I have for my entire blog.... I show some really deep feelings that I have here because maybe there is someone else out there who just really needs to hear that they are not alone.... thats why I allow myself to post negative feelings at times....

At any rate, if your in the north east, I hope you're enjoying the snow.... it's beautiful down here as long as your not on the roads.... and it has nothing to do with the roads and everything to do with the fact that people around here just simply can not drive.... you'd think a dusting of snow was the apocalypse.

Hope you all have a great week!

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