Monday, December 29, 2003

This is going to be a long blog.... but PLEASE read it if you care about me. This is what happened to me in the last week.

First of all, bowling tonight. I had a 223, 159, and 214. I found that if you look at the pins real closely they say "Tiffany" on them.

Christmas night at 3am I was admitted to Comprehensive Counseling Services at Westmoreland Regional Hospital in Greensburg, PA. Panic attacks were out of control.... anxiety was crazy..... and I was having PASSIVE suicide thoughts. The Mental Health nurse examined and interviewed me and recommended that I admit myself which I then did.

The time I spent in there was really good.... but my life changed drastically, twice... it got really good and then REALLY bad today. Tiffany drove the whole way down here from DuBois to visit me. She gave me hope again.... she made me feel like I was special again and convinced me that she really did care and really did love me. She went home and got into a fight with her parents. Here is the email that she sent my mom:

--Start Email
Hi there

Ok - so it was really bad last night. Mom and Dad yelled and yelled last

They put down Bobby so much last night, it wasn't even funny. Mom at one
point had been snooping in my e-mail and reading things he sent me - I did
catch on and changed my passsword. But Bobby has a log online - I'm sure you
know. Well I figure she found that out and has been reading it. So, she
acusses Bobby of a lot of things. I mean a lot. I tried and tried to stick
up for Bobby - but they wouldn't believe a darn word. I can't talk to them,
all they do is hollar. I told them I talk to you because you listem and
don't sit there and yell at me. Of course they had to say - Sure because she
wants you to be with Bobby.

No matter what I said - It wasn't true!

They said I have to tell Jim before the weekend's over. They said all I was
doing was jerking him around, Bobby and them too. And well- yea I suppose in
a sense it's true. But they won't try to even understand what I'm going
through right now. All it is, is Jim, Jim, Jim. Yes - Jim has gone through
hell. They don't believe that I have.

I can't come down there. I'm not allowed. If I go to Pittsburgh (as they
say) - I stay in Pittsburgh! Bobby and I really wanted to do New Years, but
we can't. He'll be crushed to know so. I won't be able to see him again
until after school starts up. I hope he'll understand.

He doesn't, and I don't have my parents blessing at all. They hate him and
don't know him at all. It's completely unfair. All they feel is - that Bobby
is a mental case and will only make my life miserable. They said that any
time he wants something - he will pull this same stunt again! All he'll do
is make my life a living hell. I was so upset.

I'm really urged to come and stay down there. But I know if do - I'll never
be allowed back. How can I really do that? My parents said Bobby has turned
me into this person that does nothing but lie and cheat now. I'm glad they
think so highly of me. I know what's been going on is awful - I have no good
excuse - but....

I wish they understood what Bobby meant to me, and give him a chance to know
him for who he is. For who I see is inside. When he stayed here for a few
days. Mom says he was rude! She says he wouldn't talk to them. He tried! He
could tell mom didn't want him there, or wanted nothing to do with him.

I doubt he'll ever be allowed to come to this house. It may take years - but
I'll prove to them that we're going to be happy. He's not going to treat me
bad. I know that.

I'm not really allowed to leave the house. Never been grounded once. Now I'm
20 years old. Isn't that insane?! I'm 20 and can't go see Bobby. Can't do

I'm sorry I'm going on so long. I was so upset last night. Still am now. But
I have to go back to work today from 12 to 8. I wish I knew how to make
things better. But I can't I guess. I wish ..... well a lot of things right
now. I guess I should quit rambling now. I may not be on for a few days.
We'll see. Tell Bobby not to worry. It may be best if he doesn't call until
I say it's alright. Until I can talk to him online and tell him a good time
to do that. Give him a hug for me. Thanks.

Love always
---End Email

So its pretty obvious that she wants to be with me... she wants to make it work.... I was ecstatic.... my life was going to be back in order.... I made a DRASTIC improvement and the doctors prepared me for discharge. This morning, right after filling out my discharge survey I talk to my mom and she tells me about this email:

---Start Email
Hi there.

I am really a mess. Mom and Dad said for me to make a forth
and so on... I told you all of that. But what you told before... well that's
what I know now I need to do. NO MATTER WHAT. I don't know what's going on
with me. I'm truly torn up inside. I'm not allowed to see Bobby anyway. But
what I need to do is spend some time to figure out what's best for me. I
told Jim I'm not going to see/talk to him. I have to do the same with Bobby
unfortunately. I really need to sort out my life for myself. B/C wherever I
go, I turn back and forth.

Jim and I talked about this last night. Without biassing me... he made me
realize, this is what I truly need. We talked about marriage.... and the
whole divorce thing. I'm not going to do that. I need to be sure where my
life will lead me.

I will ask Bobby when he comes home, if he will understand that for me. I
don't know if he will or not. I've hurt him enough. He doesn't deserve to be
hurting like this. So, that's his choice.... to give me time... or not... to
sort out my life.

I'm putting my foot down for once... and doing this for ME. I tried to do it
once, but it didn't quite happen. But I truly need to do this.

I'm going to miss you guys, Jim, Bobby..... like crazy. But I need to pull
myself together as I said. I have to! I hope I can still talk to you if I
need an ear in all this. I'll either talk to or e-mail Bobby for when he
comes home. I know he'll be so disappointed about New Years. But I had no
control over that. While I'm doing this.... I'll still be here if anyone
needs me for anything. You're probably annoyed with me by this point? Ok
talk to you later. Send my love to everyone.

I better go now.
Love Tiff

---End Email
Also in MY inbox, I had this message when I got home
---Start Email
Hey Sweetie

Glad to see you're back home (since you're reading this). Loves!

I've e-mailed your mom a couple of times and let her know what's been going
on. I don't what she's told you about that so far.

When I came home. Yea it was pretty ugly. I was so upset. If you want to
know details I'm sure you can ask your mom a little bit. But in the end ....
it was you have to make a decision right now! So I told them about you. But
the whole thing was pretty ugly.

I'm not ready. I can't make any choices in my life right now. I'm so messed
up right now. Not just with love either.

The decision is yours. And I will understand if you don't accept this. But I
need time to myself. I tried to do that once.... but that didn't happen to
well. I'm not allowed to come for New Years, or during break at all anyway.
But I can't see you right now, and talk with you right now. As extremely
hard as that may be. I need to do this for myself. I need to figure out what
is best for me right now. You can give me that time, or you can say I've had
enough. I've put you through enough sweetie. But I know this is what I need
to do - I need this time alone - to sort everything out. I can't keep making
promises. That's one this I always hated - someone breaking a promise to me.
And here I am - I keep doing it. When I saw you again, and got so scared - I
wanted nothing more than to be with you. But it's the same way around the
other corner. Now that's screwed up!

I love you and miss you a lot. I hope you understand this time is what I
truly need to do. I can't rush into anything. You can let me know if you can
do that for me, if you want to let me know. If you need me - I'll be here
Bobby. I love you very much - bunches in fact. We're not apart, we're not
together. We are Tiff and Bob right now. I miss you, hugs and kiss.

Love always
---End email

Now, please not the use of the words "sweetie" and "love" .... what does that mean? I dont understand why she played these games with me. She was SURE of what she wanted... she was SURE many times..... now all of a sudden she wants to take time. I'm hurt, crushed, and shattered. I wish she would have just stayed home when I was in the hospital.... at least she wouldnt have reopened the wound..... what she did to me was completely wrong..... now.... there is the possibility of forgiving her, but I dont think she'll want to come back to me..... I dont think that she really loves me. I know I love her to death.... but it's a two way street and apparently the happiness I had in the last year was only one way. Apparently I am not as special as she thought I was. Apparently there is plenty wrong with me.... and, oh yea... now I'm a "mental paitient" .... Guys, I need prayer. I learned some tips in the hospital to getting through this.... they changed some of my medicine.... but the problem is still there and it hurts like hell. I cant get through this on my own.

Well, I have made this way long enough.... tonight is my first night back in the real world and I'm going to sleep soon.... WITHOUT that damn wolf!

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