There are many things I dont understand about Tiff..... lots of things..... but if I did understand everything.... how boring would that be, right? There is just one thing that stands out that I can not comprehend... and I dont think I ever will.... I dont understand how she can deal with me sometimes.

This weekend was really good.... things went well... my dreams came true.... yet at some points through the weekend, I look back, and realize that I was the worst person that ever could have been there..... the way I acted at times..... things I did... things I said..... I dont understand why I did or said them.... I more so dont understand how she not only didnt throw me out but begged me to stay.... even tho I was making things misserable, she wanted me by her side..... She put everything she had into making me feel better.....

So what happened? Truth is I'm not sure..... but I do know this.... and even tho I had the idea that there were problems, they never occured to me how big they were until the past few days.... I have some serious issues. Things in my past are coming back to haunt me in ways that I never imagined..... things that I did but mainly things that others did to me..... addictions and problems that I had before have come in through the flood gates and I realize that I am completely out of control..... I need help... Towards the end of last year I was in the care of Western Psychiatric. We now have a proper diagnosis... we have the medicine to take care of me and physically I could not be better.... I am not falling into depression.... my mood is under control...... what we have now is a serious spiritual battle.... something that Western Psych could have never touched on.

So what am I doing? I'm making up my mind to get better.... My goal in life has always been to be a good husband and a good father... that is my main goal in life.... and, if I want to give that to Tiff, I need to start taking care of some things..... I have emailed the two churches that I am looking at down here.... I have been given a list of CHRISTIAN counselors in this area.... and I intend on making something happen.... I am going to give this my all.....

When things start going good and start going in the direction that God wants them to go in, that is when satan attacks.... and the better things are going... the harder the attack will be....

Please keep me in your prayers.... I have lots of things to work on.... and lots of help to seek out... I pray that God leads me to the right help and that He gives me the strength to get better.... and mainly.... the Tiff continues to stick by me.....