Friday, December 16, 2005

So the nicer I am to people, the more I get screwed..... but if I'm less nice to people, I feel guilty which is just as bad. I really sometimes wish I was just an asshole..... they make it so far in life and it seems they never stress out like I do.... But I guess thats not what God wants me to be......

Im kinda down again tonight. Dont take my post earlier the wrong way.... the Christmas party was really cool and really nice. Carpathia really put alot into and it was awesome.... I guess I just dont really fit in with them that well..... Maybe its because I dont work close enough with them.... or maybe its just because I'm a different person...... And its not that its a bad thing to work with them.... but I'm not like them.... I dont have the same interests.... Maybe I am just a scape goat..... people ask the world of me and I give willingly because it makes me happy.... but then those same people have no cares about my needs.... Even if something is justifiable.... Im the type of person that seems to not be able to do anything right.... I can do something wrong in someone's eyes, I correct it, and then I'm wrong for the way I corrected it.... not matter about the motive of me wanting to resolve the issue.... Its hard.... And then I get people that just send me emails and stuff saying "things arent good... please pray for me" .... and its not that I wont pray for them and that I dont care.... but if thats all I ever hear without even knowing whats going on or what I'm even praying about you kind of start to feel "used" in a way.

Granted, I ask for prayer alot on my blog and in emails to my friends.... but I always follow that up with what happened and how things are working and I always try to keep relationships open with all of the people that read this (at least the ones I know of) and the people I email.... and if any of them (you) have needs, I want to hear about them.... The Body of Christ is all about sharing needs.... It's a TEAM in the best sense of the word. A corporation works best when all members of the team work together and share the work load and help each other out.... As the Body of Christ, we need to take that a step higher. I dont want to be someone who dishes out my needs to everyone but doesnt want to hear whats going on in other's lives.... the thing is I want to be involved and I want those who are praying for me to be involved as well..... Galatians 6:2 - "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" .

This afternoon I was extremely content.... and maybe I still am.... but I did have my feelings hurt quite a few times tonight.... and its tough to swallow that so I guess I'm a little out of it right now.... but dont we all have those times? Honestly, I am content. I am liking my job.... I'm moving next month, I'm getting a new car next week, and I've met a really awesome girl who is actually interested in me as well as alot like me.... Doesnt mean we're gonna go out or anything but its nice to feel like you are wanted and that someone is actually interested in seeing how things go.... Even if this was the last day I talked to her, it would still be great knowing she was interested..... Who knows? Maybe things will go really well..... That is all up to God.... the point is that I am content with my life right now.... very content. One of my favorite songs is by John Reuben and is called "All I Have" .... in that song there is a line that really hits home.... "Whoever thought that being content was the dream come true" .... Well, this sums it up I think. We look for the stars and stress ourselves out over it... and thats not the way we should do things. God may give us the stars, but its not something we're gonna have to work at. I mean... I really wanted a Tiburon and it looked good for getting it.... but now that I'm getting this Elantra, I'm really happy about it.... maybe even more happy than if I got the Tiburon.... and jobs? Heck, we all know how I've been going crazy over jobs.... and really, there was a real need to look and it was through some of that that things got better.... I followed God's lead of putting my 2 weeks in at Carpathia even tho I had nowhere else to go.... and we now see why. I'd still be working for the same salary here at Carpathia right now if I didnt follow God's lead..... but now its like I have to realize that its time to be content... God has met my needs and He will continue to do so..... If I got an $80k job, it would probably be harder to swallow going into full time ministry later (which I think God is going to lead me to at some point).... so sometimes being content really is the dream that we dont think to dream about. We (as humans) are always so stressed out anymore.... and the thing is, alot of the times we do it to ourselves.... not all the time, but sometimes we really do.

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