Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Well.... I spent ALL night with Eli.... it was great. I took him to Overly's to see the lights.... it was an awesome night. After he went to bed Patti and I were talking and then Tanya came to pick him up.... As much as Tanya pisses me off, I still do care about her... and I especially care about Eli! I helped her carry some stuff out to her car and we were talking to a short while.... she told me about how Matt (her current bf) is different.... Honestly, yes, I'm skeptical.... and she knows that.... I gave her a hug and left.... One thing I told her tho is that I dont want to see Eli get hurt.... I told her that he needs her priority..... and I said too that one thing that scares me personally is that I worry that when I have my own kids I may not be able to love them as much as Eli.... she said I would and she is probably right... but that is how much I care about that little boy. For those of you that have not met Eli, you couldnt even begin to imagine how cute and sweet he is.

Needless to say, I'm not driving back home tonight.... I'll get some sleep and leave early AM to head back to VA and be there by 4pm for work. Its been a good weekend but yet a very trying weekend as well. Something is gonna have to happen with the whole Tiff situation.... if it doesnt, I really have to permanently give up. I've said it before but eventually I am going to have to really stick to it and just completely say its over... I cant keep putting myself through this. She wont tell me what she wants or whats going on.... but yet ive had text messages a few times over the last week that just make me go wtf.... and when I try to start a conversation, it doesnt happen.... its just one text message and thats it. So I dont know.... so many messed up things going on right now... its amazing how many decissions that other people make can really affect your life in bad ways... but yet I do know that God will take care of you if you take the steps that you need to take. There is no doubt in my mind that Tiff and I should not be in this limbo situation.... things should have happened alot differently... but she seems to still be affraid to take the actions she needs to.... its hard on me, yes... but God is taking care of me.... and God gives many chances I have learned but I have also learned that He doesnt let the other person go through it too many times before He moves that person out of the situation and works on the person not making the decission in another way.... It's happened to me many times... and I so many times wish I would have learned my lesson on the first time.... but I didnt... fear kept me from doing so many things.... but I cant tell you how much better it is to live a life of faith.... a life that allows you to just jump when God says to and not question it.... sure I still do but not near as much as I used to... and my life is so much better. So do I know what is going to happen between Tiff and I? Not a clue.... but what I do know is that God isnt going to let me be in this situation much longer.... one of two things is possible.... 1> I'm wrong or 2> Tiff is scared to death to do what she needs to. Either way, its not going to be long before God either convinces me I'm wrong or He works on Tiff another way with me completely out of the picture..... or of course things could be corrected the way they should have been a year ago.... but im not putting my hopes in any certain place other than putting my faith in God that He is going to take care of me. I care about Tiff very much, but I cant continue to concern my life with her and let things bug me.... I'm starting to realize (finally) that no matter what I do, I can not make any decissions for her.... she must listen to God and then act in the faith that she needs to.... if I was able to make that choice for her, then she would never learn....

Alright, well.... I'm gonna get some things done here and then get my butt to bed.... Good night everyone!

No comments: